How to Save a Relationship from Break Up | Dr. K Interviews

[@jaylee5012]

bold of you to assume i have a relationship to save, Dr. K

[@SilverShadow02]

@boi TRUE

[@rainworldfan7757]

agagagHh

[@posthardcoresinger]

@boi you don't have a relationship with yourself. By definition a relationship is a relation between two or more points, or in the human context, two or more individuals. We're tribal and this whole "self-love" idea is just a euphemism for narcissism that I really think needs to be discarded. Self-knowledge is important, but we are honestly getting way too inwardly focused as a civilization. It's reaching levels of utter hedonism, we're tribal and designed for relationships. Deviate from that if you want to, but do so at your own peril, I think we should accept the fundamental nature of what we are and learn to integrate that, losing the self-centeredness because I don't see how that contributes to a meaningful existence. Everyone is trying to be an island while complaining about being lonely, major contradiction.

[@posthardcoresinger]

@Toke Asaurus420 I disagree. I think language and definitions matter. I don't think self love is being used as a metaphor, also I never said anything about ass slapping lol. I do see people use self love constantly to disconnect from having any meaningful relationships. If you mean self acceptance the just say self acceptance, no need for equivocation.

[@asmo_1929]

@@posthardcoresinger There are a lot of people who let others walk over them. They are too focused on pleasing others and they neglect themselves, that's not healthy and leads to unhappiness. You deserve to treat yourself like you treat others, that's what "self love" is about. The fact that some people hijack the term as an excuse to be egocentric doesn't change the fact that a lot of people need to hear it.

[@vexxank7602]

To the healthygamer team and Dr.K I think that these couples interviews should continue. I learned a lot in this one and for those of us with relationships romantic or not, this is a wonderful resource!

[@ifinditinteresting.8709]

✊✊

[@erynspeers]

I think we sometimes forget that relationships SHOULD challenge us to grow. Not to the point where it is demeaning and abusive - but if one partner is overprotective and never challenges the other, it can lead to stagnation which becomes this sort of underlying feeling of dissatisfaction and "are we even compatible" ness.

[@yoyobeerman1289]

I can second this. Just had a long-term relationship come to an end because we started dating when we were young and she felt like she never really had a chance to grow as a person; she didn't know who she was. I tried my hardest to take any load I could off her back and onto mine, but I over-did it and it got to the point that she eventually felt entirety stagnant. She didn't want to stress me out by telling me because she knew I had a lot on my plate (much of which was the stuff I decided to take off hers) but she just couldn't take it anymore eventually and by the time she told me she had already made up her mind to move back in with her family. There were also other reasons that things ended up going south, but that was a major one.

[@DeadpoolX9]

@@yoyobeerman1289 i think co independency should be a goal rather than codependency. You can't encourage someone to be their own person. all you can be is there for them, i know its hard when you want the best for them but just be the best you and expect theyll follow and if they dont then thats on them as hard as it is.

[@yoyobeerman1289]

@@DeadpoolX9 I agree, I think part of it was my own insecurity. On a surface level, I'm very good at acting confident, but I really struggled with my self-worth for a long time.and even though I'm better about it now, I still have work to do. By being overprotective and over providing I was calming my anxiety that'd she'd find someone better than me.

[@ozzylepunknown551]

"Envision history as a sequence of "dialectical" conflicts. Each dialectic begins with a proposition, a thesis, which inherently contains, or creates, its opposite - an antithesis. Thesis and antithesis. The conflict is inevitable. But the resolution of the conflict yields something new - a synthesis - eliminating the flaws in each, leaving behind common elements and ideas." The point of conflicts within relationships is to reach a synthesis

[@voiceboxdrummer]

@@DeadpoolX9 I believe the term is called interdependent. It’s laid out and explained very well in “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. I highly recommend it.

[@hack-comic]

what the fuck this is FASCINATING, the difference in their perspective on their relationship and issues. The way Dr. K was picking up on her protectiveness. She was NOT saying how she felt or where the issues actually were, Dr. K really had to sus it out by putting their two stories together, holy shit.

[@MundongLeyo]

just like in among us

[@FrappeChan]

just like in among us

[@fattyjaybird7505]

Well, while not pissing them off as well... that would be the real challenge

[@heavymetal1ization]

very similar to among us

[@LFanimes333]

Bro knows how to deal with woman lmao

[@DraconMusic]

Mad respect for opening up this way on stream. It's quite interesting to see how other couples handle their internal struggles. Thank you for this format.

[@FireBIaze]

Lol according to *trillby* I can imagine couples thing is interesting. Jk, it was the first thing that popped in my mind though.

[@DeadpoolX9]

yeah as insufferable as i find young 20s couples (i was in a similar one too and was a similar way) I respect them for coming on and bringing it to light, especially the parts my memory would probably gloss over.

[@iust_CatDog]

yes 100% and it’s a great way for others to see methods that might work for them.

[@LaffeeTaffeeGG]

To add some more productive discussion, my boyfriend and I met when we were 12, and started dating at 18. We are now in our 30s. Have never broken up in between, have had our fights and resolutions, and the most important thing we emphasize is to never stop talking about everything, no matter how small or how much you think it will hurt the other's feelings. We talk about everything from the pimples on our faces to how we wish we had better jobs. Nothing is off the table, and nothing is something we don't believe we can work on or improve. Even if we have complete disagreements in opinion, we will follow up every so often and see if those opinions have evolved. Not saying our relationship is perfect but hey... somehow we're still going after 15 years x_x So it is possible.

[@Kat31017]

I mean some privacy is important too?

[@LaffeeTaffeeGG]

@@Kat31017 Course it is, but it's a good idea to let someone know why you don't want to talk about it. "I don't want to talk about this because I want to keep it private." Good enough reason as any.

[@swisscheesy]

Hey, congrats! My wife and I are on the exact same track (though meeting at 15, then coming together at 18) and both just passed 30, and we also have 2 daughters now. Besides the regular fights and resolutions as you state, coming to your last point: We've had one very specific, extremely nerve-wrecking situation about two opposite principles where, in hindsight, we both had no idea how to deal with, as we were both in our first long-term relationship as well as wildly and hurtfully arguing without coming to a conclusion. And we've spent probably around 30+ hours of talking at that point, sometimes late at night, idiotically. We decided to let the topic rest for a long while and just recently picked it up again due to a comment which kicked it off, but this time we were able to dissect the topic much calmer and it feels we've come to understand each other much better due to that. It pays off to just let things cool down instead of clashing against each other in an agitated state and pick it up later again. I also noticed that the days have been more stressful due to the kids, but also since we haven't been treating each other well enough. I bumped into a video of Mr. K about relationship, and noticed the pattern of the "blame game" (mostly due to chores), that we often enough practiced that lead to a more tense atmosphere. We're both at the max already and doing our best, but for several weeks I've avoided do to this, do as many things as possible without throwing jabs and lo and behold, things are much calmer now, which she even stated herself without further comment from me. Sometimes one just needs some external input to correct a very trivial but nontheless annoying habit. So I'll keep on watching Dr. K's videos to get further potential insights that I can apply to everyday life.

[@Larstrollheim97]

My aunt and her childhood sweetheart dated from about 10-13 and then all the way into their 30s, they had a child together and suddenly he cheated on her and ran :( relationships are weird and scary for sure.

[@riccotheflamingape8876]

I can confirm that open conversations are crucial. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 10 years, but somehow communication got really bad within the last year. I'm pretty sure that all the Covid regulations here didn't help. Well, my relation began crumbling not even a year ago, and I'm now single. Keep the speech flowing, thats important.

[@fedorkochemasov4533]

The way he writes a conclusion for chat at hour 28 minutes is insane, like, he linked both their perspectives and constructed a problem they have. Damn son!

[@dsgclan]

Dr. K was very in tune here, definitely shows how much so with that conclusion.

[@Kaliburrrr]

I think his pride in the idea of overcoming depression without prescription help, is overriding his understanding that his girlfriend needs it

[@ReverendDave524]

I wholeheartedly agree. I myself have clinical depression and thought meds were a crutch and that I could overpower it through sheer will. It just kept getting worse and worse until the point where I either had to find a medication that worked or else I couldn't continue life. I also was on Wellbutrin as a teen and it numbed everything like he described, which further entrenched me in this thought process. I now have been on Lexapro for 6 months or so and I feel like a completely different person, it is amazing. Some people really need medication for depression just as someone with diabetes needs insulin

[@Kaliburrrr]

@@ReverendDave524 thank you so much for sharing your story. It's important and eloquently put. You can't medicate a logically upset brain away, but depression isn't about logic. Sometimes people have depression not based on trauma, but sort of in a dangerous self-propagating cycle, which in itself can be very traumatic. Antidepressants are incredibly important, You should never shame a loved one for using them.

[@glowinglimes]

I was feeling the same thing. My SSRI has the exact opposite effect on me and allows me to be myself. I know it’s not like that for everyone, but it’s that stigma and tunnel vision that made me scared to start for so long. Alexa might be like me where her medication actually allows her to be herself and stop repetitive thought patterns of guilt

[@Eirud]

That's not what he's saying. Medication didn't work for him and he came to the realization that the best way to combat it is to make healthy and positive changes in your life to avoid the bouts of depression as much as possible. He's saying that she continues to take her medication even when she's no longer depressed which will increase her dependency, decrease her sensitivity so she will need a bigger dose, and alter her state of normal when she's not currently depressed. He's saying she should take the opportunity to make positive changes in her life to combat depression when she isn't currently depressed instead of just continuing to pointlessly take the medication. Effectively, she's addicted to it. He's not saying she doesn't need it. He's saying she uses it as a crutch even when her legs aren't broken.

[@Kaliburrrr]

@@Eirud you don't understand chemical imbalance depression. Just read the testimonies above I think they're pretty impactful

[@strz3086]

Everyone's gangsta till Dr. K opens Microsoft Word

[@lacari0805]

Me: I’m single right now Dr K in Word: what a fucking virgin Dr K speaking: that’s ok

[@XrpAndy]

Y’ALL

[@strz3086]

@@lacari0805 xd i wonder what he writes in his notes??

[@chelbylu87]

lacari0 😂😂😂 where's the lie tho?

[@trashatgaming2969]

@@strz3086 maybe it's better we don't know

[@uniworkhorse]

The energy switch when they transitioned to the gf was huge

[@arnavrawat9864]

The dude was so obscure in his ideas. He is brilliant but struggles to get complicated concepts across The girl is just sorted in her ideas

[@TheTpointer]

@@arnavrawat9864 he games all day and barely socialises. Bringing your thoughts across is a skill that needs practise!

[@arnavrawat9864]

@@TheTpointer Truly.

[@JD-qo7hm]

@@TheTpointer Well put. Its not so much that its hard, it just takes doing it to get "good" at it. Its funny, this whole year ive basically been more and more of a shut in, thanks to COVID (though i didnt reject it if im being honest), and ive noticed my thoughts are still just as complex as before but articulating them has become... less fluid. It takes more time for me to put it into words than it did before.

[@rowanmckereghan]

bruh the word docs were insane this man is a god

[@JennyDarukat]

Listening to the Alexa portion of this interview, I relate a lot to her feeling of being afraid as soon as a sign of conflict shows up. My family is very combative, and I've always found myself trying to be the bridge between people because it weighs on me so much when people fight with one another. I've also been bullied from a young age, so I'm always anticipating and trying to navigate around the worst outcome of these situations. It makes it difficult to deal with people who outwardly express their negative emotions, since I always see a fight or lashing out on the horizon. Was definitely a problem in my last relationship also, though my partner at the time also definitely had issues with anger due to unresolved baggage of her own. There are a lot of parallels I'm seeing between this and my own relationship, and it makes me wish we'd been able to have this kind of a conversation or couple's therapy then.

[@dood6647]

Shit I think I understand and relate to that issue also from my family with my mother always focusing on drama that lead to fights in my past which once I realized that I would hate to be that so I try to fill that bridge also and try to give the positive take since them expressing that negative emotion or holding onto that baggage is the main issue.

[@MrClean-ep7uc]

That sucks dude sorry

[@env0x]

doubt it would've helped. doubt you're compatible with openly aggressive people if you were exposed to so much trauma around it as a child.

[@vitamin9165]

Yup exactly the same myself, I actually thought Alexa was really cool. Having a really bad relationship sorta helped because I was like this can't really be all my fault so I'm slowly becoming a bit more assertive. Good luck! Edit nvm this was a year ago lol

[@PanHanos]

Oh wow, this is fascinating. I feel like this could describe the partner I was with. I realized that the reason they avoided conversation was due to fear of conflict, but it was so ironic...because the only reason conflict arised was DUE to delayed conversation. Funnily enough, talking about it was from start would result in much LESS tention afterwards, as it would release instead of building up. Kind of like how you get your chores done with and then you feel calm

[@comrad3892]

People in this comment section really make you understand why there are so many divorces happening. A 5 year relationship that has been good for both of them, but now problems bubble up that can be fixed with empathy and understanding your partner? Walk away! Just leave them! Why talk to your partner and work through your issues to make your relationship better and stronger? Just walk away! That's surely the answer

[@etcwhatever]

Oh yeahhh

[@LFanimes333]

100%

[@alireid5874]

At 22, if a man has been with you for 5 years and is "meh" about you, move on. Seriously better for everyone. Try to work it out if you have kids, but they aren't married, so no reason here. I met my husband when I was 17, and 20+ yrs later he would NEVER talk about me like this. Boy, bye!

[@dawidbiko6399]

Yeah if you think only about yourself then it's obviously better to end the "relationship"

[@JD-qo7hm]

Its funny, im more of the gamer and sometimes my girlfriend will be doing something or pop out of the house while im gaming and then finish or return home and i'd still be gaming. I'd end up getting into a foul mood, one I didnt want, one i didnt feel i had a reason to be in. But maybe I was making myself feel judged for just "sitting there" playing games when she never suggested anything of that nature. I think he might be feeling that kinda thing too. He'll play games and his girlfriend will be popping in and our, seemingly productive and he's, for all intents, been sedentary for the same duration. So, maybe he feels judged for it, or perhaps is self-flagellating for not having done something more "productive" like her. So, his mood gets worse and then her mood gets worse, and boom they both are mad and each dont know why. I think something happens when youre in a relationship for a long time. 5+ years. You spend so long so close with that person. They know you better than anyone else, yet communication falls. Its this weird paradox where we assume they know more than they actually do, like a mind reader, so we feel we need to say things less. Communication needs practice, so when we drop the communication it gets worse and less things get explained and understood and resentment forms. Its why marriages of 20+ years always cite lack of communication. Be it about finances, sex, the kids, careers, etc... we take for granted that though you might envision your partnership as a "marriage into one", you still need to understand that they are still an individual with their own thoughts and feelings and nuances. They are not you, though you share so much. A successful relationship is one where you grow each as individuals, and then take time to continue to learn of each other's growth as time progresses. Thats how you keep things fresh, thats how you stay and even fall deeper in love. Just my .02.

[@hornedlobster]

Does anyone else like seeing what Dr.K's thought processes are? The Microsoft word content was awesome.

[@amolnk]

I dunno how to feel about it. Can I think for a second? lol But seriously, what was the point of doing that, like it felt like he was talking behind their back, which kinda felt a bit disingenuous...

[@hornedlobster]

@@amolnk Ya I feel like it's a little disrespectful to the person he's talking to aswell, but on the other hand I find it fascinating to know what he's writing down and what's he's thinking during the interview.

[@foureuro5664]

@@hornedlobster not sure how I feel about it too. It's very interesting but i think it gives the impression that he's thinking more about the audience and chat rather than the interviewee

[@connn1723]

@@foureuro5664 interesting that you see it that way. I'm not 100% sure, but I've seen him take notes on a notepad before and taking notes and/or thinking isn't necessarily talking behind their backs he's just organizing his thoughts in order to help them. Idk that's just my take

[@connn1723]

Nvm I went back and looked at the notes lol. I think it's fine as it allows him to talk to chat a bit without interrupting the interview

[@GreelTheMindRaker]

These two really have restored some of my faith in humanity. As a 30 year old man, listening to these 2 openly discuss their thoughts and issues so eloquently and intelligently at such a young age is really inspiring.

[@listenfirstmedia2868]

I mean, you're 30, theyre 23 so... really not too big of an age gap. You were both born in the 90s.

[@GreelTheMindRaker]

@@listenfirstmedia2868 a lot can happen in 7 years. I'm very different than I was at 23. I was also born in 89 ;)

[@RockLou]

I'm 30 too and you just made me feel very old lol

[@nico.7907]

im 157 years old and you made me feel young

[@Vivivofi]

nico. Any tips on how I can live as long a life as thou hast?

[@Eclectic-Sheep]

When I started dating my now husband, he also thought the goal of antidepressants was to eventually stop taking them. That may sometimes be the case, but sometimes it’s a chronic disease. You don’t tell schizophrenics that the goal is to one day not need their meds. He understands that now after years of my doctors telling me I may never be off meds.

[@Eirud]

True, I think his ideal 'goal' for her is misguided, but not exactly relevant. She doesn't have chronic, permanent depression. She has bouts of depression and his criticism is with her continuing to take depression medication for weeks or months on end even when she doesn't need the medicinal boost because she's not currently depressed, and what effects that has on her in the long run. I think his criticism also comes from the fact that he is right in the way of making positive changes in your life to help fend off bouts of depression, and that she might not be trying to actively make any of those changes, or potentially is even doing things that do the opposite and makes her depression worse.

[@Lomniko]

I feel for you. I think a lot of men, myself included, see medicine as a crutch to getting healthy. And we see relying on medicine as a sign of weakness, or a willful mistake on our part. That we should man up and bear the brunt of it, and achieve health without any crutches. Once such view gets internalized, we apply it to everyone around us. What personally helped me to see things in a different light, is understanding the goal of anti-depressants is different from what I've thought it was. That some medication isn't meant to cure you, but meant to make up for a genetic/biological malfunction, which exists independent from the efforts of an individual.

[@Annemoontje]

In my masters in neuroscience it came up that roughly speaking depressions can have chemical problems in their base, or 'thinking' problems (which can be caused by a brain thing - natural tendency of overthink due to your wiring, or a 'outside world' thing - traumas/bad experiences lead you to need this etc) thinking problems are long term best solved with therapy (and sometimes meditation and such), chemical problems are best solved with - you guessed it chemicals. However, both can help the other too. Medication can help you gain the resources to work on the thinking problems (if you are too low to have them anymore), to be able to grow and develop healthy skills, often this means you can wean off the medication after a while. If the problem is chemical, you absolutely want medication, and find the best dose and type with your doctor etc and you will just take those for your life, like you would do insulin, but often the load of having to have this problem for so long is also helped with some therapy to internalise that it's okay and to help get to a good place :)

[@es0teric76]

I kind of agree, but comparing schizophrenia to clinical depression is a bit.. disingenuous? They're not very comparable. They're both chronic mental illnesses, but that's about where the similarities end. You can often get to a point with clinical depression where you can be non-medicated, but the same cannot be said for a schizophrenic.

[@SnailHatan]

The vast majority of people don’t need antidepressants permanently. It’s just a way for doctors and pharma to leech money forever. If they really wanted to help patients they would use practical fast-acting solutions like ketamine/MDMA/psilocybin therapy which actually helps people long term without needing to take pills every single day for decades for a problem that could be greatly helped in a matter of months. The vast majoritt of people with “depression” don’t have true clinical depression, they lack purpose, community, passion, healthy habits and diet, enough exercise and time in nature. If 90% of people given antidepressants had even half of those things in line, they wouldn’t need SSRIs anymore. That’s backed up by tons of studies, and Dr. K himself. So, yeah, for most people, the goal should be to eventually stop taking them. The benefits are outweighed by the side effects long term. But every greedy doctor is immediately ready to sign off on decades of meds without even asking whether those things are in line for a patient. It’s insane. Most people don’t have a “chemical imbalance”, that’s just straight up propaganda meant to trick people into taking 5,000 pills and spending tens of thousands of dollars on nothing more than a blindfold. Yes, some people can have everything in line and still be depressed, medication can be very helpful to them. The overwhelming majority haven’t even tried the absolute most basic needs for a human before condemning themselves to a lifelong curse.

[@MrReljus]

Him opening up word doc is such a huge meme potential, people pls do your best

[@terrinsnelgrove4005]

1:47:00 dang Dr. K literally just described my last breakup. My girlfriend dumped me, I stopped gaming so much and I fixed a lot of the things going wrong in my life. I could have just gamed less first and it would have gotten better. Tough lesson

[@joshbarr118]

Dodged a bullet friend. You can blame yourself or you can realize she wasn't the one. The right girl would have been like a best friend, someone who tells you when you're fucking up and supports you to get better. If she did that and you said "fuck you im fine" then yeah. You had to grow, but often it's a 2 way street in growing.

[@protoindoeuropean]

@@joshbarr118 >the one

[@samuellandos785]

@@joshbarr118 it’s your own responsibility to make yourself grow. Im sure he is old enough to make his own decisions and he decided against his girlfriend at that time. No bullets to dodge.

[@excalibro8365]

@@samuellandos785 Obviously the guy's fault for gaming too much, but I'd like to know if his girlfriend tried her best to help him get up. Sure it's nobody's responsibility to help anyone, but if you run away at the first sight of trouble you'd never be able to maintain a relationship, because nobody is perfect and trouble is matter of when, not if.

[@XanderGarrow]

@@excalibro8365You’re not describing a best friend, you’re describing a parent, or an an addiction counselor.

[@pikupikuseru]

This video was amazingly wholesome. I saw a lot of things that made me reflect on a previous relationship that I ended up terminating, and seeing a lot of his wonders for whether leaving is best for him is uncanny, because they were mine too. It took a lot of reflecting to see that my desire to leave the relationship was a misguided desire to change myself, and it ended up leaving me with a lot of pain, and guilt, which took a lot of time to process and let go of. It's a very, very sad thing to break up with someone because losing the relationship is easier on the ego than changing your own behaviors.

[@ricardo5831]

Jesus, man, seeing this comment makes ME feel an uncanny view on my previous relationship. I lost a great girl all because I was unwilling to change, and I can fully see that now. The pain and guilt you mentioned is hard, man. I feel so bad for the way I handled things. Hope everything is going well with you now!

[@pikupikuseru]

@@ricardo5831 yeah I don’t think it ever fully goes away. This was a relationship from years ago, and I’ve moved on, but I still have a mental bookmark on the kind of person I don’t want to be again. But I think these feelings are important! if you have them and can talk about it, then I think it means you’ve grown. I appreciate you for facing them with me 🤝

[@Twat2024]

@ricardo5831 wow... it's just what i feel like

[@v.ndeadd]

"losing the relationship is easier on the ego than changing your own behaviors" this is so damn powerful like a slap that will stick in your face permanently, it has woken up a realization within me, so thank you a lot!

[@connermcintosh4322]

When dr. K asked “do you ever feel like he has one foot out the door?” And she was so confident with her “no” I was like....oh poor baby lol

[@kendallkreidell7299]

The way she blamed herself for blaming herself and Evan pointing that out is low key funny

[@Warnerchild]

I hope there is a "What happened to them" video in a few months

[@BanAaron]

90% odds they break up

[@bamie16]

@@BanAaron didnt watch the entire video yet but so far its looking fairly neutral

[@BanAaron]

@@bamie16 his comments towards antidepressants were pretty dismissive but other than that it seemed neutral. Until Alexa come on and Doctor K started pushing the gaming topic imo

[@TheTpointer]

@@BanAaron if you game like 60h/week and do not earn any money with it, your habbit needs critizism! Dr. K wouldnt do his job correctly if this wasn't a topic!

[@TheTpointer]

@@WrathofFenrir99 kind of sexist to say that. Furthermore it has nothing to do with what we were talking about. xD

[@teknionfredericboisvert]

Interview with a murderer is great, but it is so far removed from what I experience in my daily life that I have difficulty getting anything from it other than entertainment. But these sorts of interview are absolute diamond grade content. It really makes you reflect on your own actions and how to better your life, even if you aren't the one being interviewed. I love it! Keep it up!

[@alt_abz5958]

As a fellow true crime fan, I agree!!

[@Fuchsia_tude]

I was really impressed by Alexa. She is so good at answering these questions. Probably the best I've seen on one of these interviews.

[@WeirdFlame]

She's been to a therapy before, she knows how to talk with psychologists and this is why she feels more comfortable expressing her feelings

[@metalcake2288]

She's also a woman... Women are generally better at expressing their emotions and men are better at acting on their emotions.. keep that in mind.

[@danidisco284]

I meet so many women who can articulate their feelings so easily. I really do feel for men who have trouble understanding/expressing their feelings, mostly because it's not encouraged by society. Hope we can work on that as a community.

[@the11382]

Well, there is some evidence that Testosterone makes it harder for men to express emotions. But that doesn’t mean it’s not a learnable skill.

[@SirBojo4]

@@the11382 The conclusion were that it was negligible at best in its influence. And it's ridicule and pretty toxic to call it a learnable skill, people express emotions but for men they learn for most to hide their emotions because it is viewed as unmanly, not because it's their nature.

[@the11382]

@@SirBojo4 There are places where this is the case, but where I am as a man. But it isn't toxic to say that expressing emotions is a learnable skill. Everyone learns it during some point of their life.

[@SnailHatan]

@@SirBojo4 Huh? There’s no ridicule and toxicity in calling something a learnable skill. Wtf are you pressed about? Literally every behavior and ability is learnable. And it is in men’s nature generally to experience emotions less intensely. That’s been shown in plenty of studies. The brain activity is downright different for men and women overall when feeling emotions. Women experience emotions more intensely, and for shorter durations. Men experience emotions more mildly, over longer durations. That’s physical data, not society.

[@kateginger]

I'm a woman and growing up I used to suppress my emotions. I think I'm kinda lucky that I was born a girl because friends would always talk about their feelings and ask about mine too. In my family nobody cared, but girls do care about feelings and can help you open up and process them. It's a healthy skill that not all families teach, and having girl friends can really help in that aspect. I'm not sure if testosterone plays an aspect, but I know from my experience that it's a skill we can improve on.

[@rileymoogoo]

Dr. K handled this well

[@rileymoogoo]

@@jimmyjohnsonREAL I watched it live

[@sisyphuswasnthappy5237]

@@jimmyjohnsonREAL Dr. K livestreams on Twitch before it goes up on KZbin

[@jimmyjohnsonREAL]

@@rileymoogoo 👍 gotcha

[@robbytheyogi990]

As he does always🤗

[@Tentacl]

To be fair, they did handle this very well too. They are both inteligent, civilized and very capable in comunication.

[@nazimmeghezzi5872]

wow, i hope there was more stuff like this on the internet, just open conversations about a relationship, goddamn did i need this. i feel like i've never learned these kinds of skills in my life and i'm very happy to have found this.

[@steggyweggy]

It’s a shame that emotional and communicatory education is still extremely lacking in the world. Seeing a therapist or going to organized therapy groups is a great way to get irl experiences like this

[@christinamansen8636]

This! Litterally sometimes in my relationship I don't know if we are having issues or if its just like a boring time in my life because I have never seen a real example of a non-turbulent healthy loving relationship so its very difficult to feel secure in my own

[@na_kiri]

I'm in a 5 year relationship as well and earlier this year I kinda felt like it was crumbling and this made me realize some of the issues we're having. Thank you! :)

[@Momosvlogsies]

Good to hear dear

[@oremfrien]

DId you make it through?

[@na_kiri]

@@oremfrien Stil going strong ❤️

[@oremfrien]

@@na_kiri That's great news!

[@pigeonite1]

Are you still in a relationship w the same guy?

[@cameron1896]

‘Boyfriend pov’ is the correct way of titling the section but wow is my head in the gutter

[@rainworldfan7757]

:|

[@Zachko]

hahaha I thought the same shit once I looked at the chapters and saw girlfrined POV, lul whoops!

[@qwertyki9367]

Wdymm

[@Zachko]

@@qwertyki9367 my ass

[@qwertyki9367]

@@Zachko cute

[@Tentacl]

That's a seriously cute couple. They probably just helped a lot of other couples by example being so far from the archetypical "male x female" the internet usually presents.

[@redryan20000]

What do you mean by that reference to the archetypical male/female?

[@LFanimes333]

@@redryan20000 She’s a working busy woman and he’s a pretty meek shut in gamer. So that’s that.

[@redryan20000]

@@LFanimes333 I must be so shut in that I thought that was normal.

[@LFanimes333]

@@redryan20000 Lmao

[@fadence]

The note taking on Word really helps us understand the process about what he's thinking! Editors/mods/mrs.K/whoever runs the channel... please pass on that this is a fantastic addition to the format!

[@isabella7p]

Except for him getting distracted by it and loosing track of what someone was saying

[@DEN8Y]

I’m sure most his notes shouldn’t be shared with stream.

[@b3p]

"There's PVE zones, and there's PVP zones" oh my god he didn't did he

[@jakejason4333]

did what?

[@joster6268]

@@jakejason4333 your mom

[@jakejason4333]

@@joster6268 crawl back to your simp cave

[@throwaway9347]

@@joster6268 peepoClap

[@mocha753]

@@test-zg4hv HAHA

[@adamkostandy1827]

The fact that this is free content is absolutely insane. Great work Dr. K ;)

[@cchan9098]

Hey Dr. K, Dunno if you'd ever read this, but I'm going through a really rough patch right now in a relationship and watching these types of videos really spurs me into a good train of thought that has usually led me to some amazing conclusions and feelings. I really appreciate it. Thank you. I loved the blurb that came up about how she realized that school, doing well in school, trains an individual to blame oneself and only yourself, and that's seen as a positive trait. I didn't realize how it could be manipulative for IRL or relationships, especially during tough times.

[@steggyweggy]

I would highly recommend talking to a therapist and trusted friends who really listen and think about your problems with you.

[@Kaliburrrr]

Hear me out, seek a therapist. not for any other reason than you won't get to the bottom of things like this without someone trained in psychology, let alone willing to listen. Manipulation can take so many forms, even this comment I guess you could look at as manipulation in its own way as I try to sway you towards therapy. I think you should study conscious and subconscious forms of manipulation and you will at very least find it interesting

[@lizl1407]

I want a check in with this couple to see how they're doing two years later! ❤

[@gianb3952]

Same. Was sorting through recent comments to see if there was an update haha

[@25daysAmonth]

@@gianb3952 ditto😋

[@MR-xw7mc]

same

[@vivisimonvi]

@@MR-xw7mc same 2

[@mojojojo3141]

I'd be surprised if they were still together. People who do couples therapy almost always end up breaking up, not because therapy doesn't work but because by the time they come to therapy it's already pretty much over

[@brettjacobson4600]

When Dr. K asked her if she ever thought Evan already had 1 foot out the door and she said no not at all, I was like oh honey I'm sorry, brace yourself. In all seriousness very well handled. I even had a light bulb moment myself about a past relationship.

[@shapedsilver3689]

Yeah I had the same thing, I was surprised

[@geoffreyromain]

@Hi How Are You? He did and he didn't, which essentially means that he did. (Meaning that just the fact that he was constantly questioning whether or not the relationship was holding him back and that he needs to break up is essentially having 1 foot in and the other foot out)

[@marcas7]

@Hi How Are You? Gotta agree with Vlad, questioning if I want to stay in my relationship feels like I partially want out but also don't. It certainly feels like I'm one foot out.

[@SaladDongs]

@Hi How Are You? I'm not gonna be condescending and ask if _you_ have had a long term relationship, but I AM gonna be condescending and ask if it's still working out. I mean I did too, and it did not work out, and I was sort of in his spot, though a lot of things were different. I just wish I had gone sooner.

[@acefoxy4117]

what do u mean "brace yourself" bruh... i totally disagree with y'all. i wouldn't say he has one foot out the door but I can agree that he's standing at the door contemplating about opening it

[@vikutoria3474]

wow I totally can relate to Alexa, I was the same in my last relationship and I always felt guilty about my boyfriend's problems, insecurities, pains, I always tried to take accountabilty on them and how to fix it to feel useful on the relationship too, we are both growing apart now but im really proud on what we are becoming into

[@JenniferMoleski]

I'd love a "Where are they now" video.

[@lord_haven1114]

Probably broken up tbh.

[@blopartDGRI]

Would be nice, but this ain't a TV show.

[@DK_Son]

Here's another way to look at it. They have tried to grow together from teens into adults. They are different people now. They aren't who they were when they met at 17. And when they are 30 they will be even more different. I bet their relationship has run its course and they just need to find themselves, by themselves. This is why so many young relationships don't last long. You explode into the world, but are anchored down by a partner you don't connect with anymore. I was with my gf from 17 to 23. But it took the break up for me to become me. I was locked down, but I did love her. However, it was the best thing to happen to me. Sometimes, a break up is actually healthy. Don't stay together for the kids, or for fear of how you may feel when you are alone. Independence will chisel you into a fine sculpture, as you start to make your own plans and have your own experiences. Life isn't just about finding someone else. It's about finding yourself first, before you find someone else.

[@charityszakel2794]

Holy fuck I needed this. I met my ex at 16 and he broke up with me 3 months ago. He has a lot of unresolved trauma and so do I, but we were both hoping we could grow and become better together but he wants to end it bc he feels we have been doing the same thing over and over again for a while now and no progress is being made. He believes this break up is for the best bc he has hurt me repeatedly over the years due to his Trauma responses and he loves me and doesn’t want to see me continuously be hurt and also he believes I lack my own life and identity which has also caused some issues in the relationship but is also generally unhealthy. (He is right upon further reflection, I’ve always just been his wife and never really me) I’m still sad and I miss him a lot and I know he still loves me but also trying to find who I am is scary and I wanna be in denial and just go back to my comfort zone. Thank you for this comment

[@darny2314]

@@charityszakel2794 Just broke up with my partner a couple of days ago, and I feel the same denial and desire to go back into my comfort zone. We do plan on staying as friends but I really want to believe that we can get back together after some growth. I don't wanna face the possible reality of not living a life together with them.

[@OvermindThousand]

@@darny2314 I feel you man-right there with you. I’m (probably) in the process of breaking up with my fiancée. Might be more accurate to say I’m getting dumped. In many ways our relationship has been amazing, but I think both of us sense that something important is missing. We love each other ferociously, but I’m not sure if it’s enough to fill whatever void exists between us. At least, I don’t think she’s convinced that we can reconcile our differences. Honestly my heart’s totally broken, but I have to keep living and growing. Hope everything works out for you.

[@felibunni]

So to kind of summarize my comment; I agree with your statement BUT, just because it can be healthy it doesn't mean it's unhealthy to choose to work on things together. It's not like one answer is the only right answer. Just because you find some solace or growth that you are happy about on your own doesn't mean that things couldn't have turned out just as good by staying together. Both people have to respect each other enough and you have to have the mental clarity to know that the relationship is not blocking the road as much as you think it is. But I do echo your statement that sometimes it can really be a good thing, just not necessarily the best thing unless it's abusive. Also, finding yourself first is not necessarily the answer because to be blunt with you you're going to be finding yourself for your entire life. It's not like you can go out exploring and suddenly you have all the answers. You'll be asking the same question when you are 80 years old. You can find yourself while staying with someone and it's the same with learning to love yourself (just don't make it unhealthy and codependent). I don't know, I just have to point that out.

[@Sanx007]

Awesome chat, I learned A LOT on this one.

[@Kaliburrrr]

your hairline looks like a landing strip if you catch my drift 💀

[@lostclips7078]

Alexa seems sweet bro, she's very articulate

[@acr_-kj8gd]

​@paco garza *vsauce music plays*

[@tomaswoksepp]

Agreed! Very surprising knowing she also snacks on SSRI's

[@jarry8150]

ya. u like that?

[@LongJohnnn]

​@@tomaswoksepp Lol shit take. People with high IQ are more predisposed to depression and therefore more predisposed to taking SSRI's.

[@alex_gnosis]

She does seem sweet but no so articulate with all those "likes"

[@Kortul456]

i loved the swap from " he is very vague? " to " is he insulting twitch chat?" :D

[@romanrogowski1752]

I can really relate to Evan’s fear of not living the life he’s “supposed” to live. It seems like he is putting a lot of pressure on himself to live up to certain ideals (perhaps those he’s read about in philosophy books). I have very much felt the same way, and sometimes still do. Thanks Dr. K for this amazing video, and thanks to Evan and Alexa for sharing ❤️

[@eddiebarton7217]

It sounds like he realizes he’s not living well but isn’t actually doing anything about it

[@bassstellar]

What a wonderful couple. I'm really happy for them and I hope the best for them! I'm glad that they were able to learn a new language to communicate with each other...and that they deleted some malware in the process :D

[@dsteddd6087]

what the hell are these next lvl psyche lectures ?! Every time my mind is blown away by how effective and proficient you are as a therapist!

[@Nikgek]

This was really great and enlightening! Like your new "notes for chat in real time" approach.

[@threeofeight197]

Wow. This is really helping me understand my boyfriend. He came from a volatile family and if I complained about the stove he would turn it off. Complaints upset him more than they do me because in his family complaints didn’t come as a part of commiserating over shared grievances but as a part of fighting, blame and overreaction. So when I have any complaints he gets anxious and I have to be sure sometimes to say “I’m just venting thanks for hearing me out”. But he will NEVER say “I hate that too”. His favorite motto is “everything is fine” or “it’s better this way”. Fascinating, thanks so much to this couple for being vulnerable online and sharing. ❤❤❤

[@portugueselatinagirl]

I am only 20 minutes in, but it's a sticky one because at times it feels like he has delegated most of the blame for things he hasn't achieved to the relationship. However, the wrong relationship can sometimes be so energy consuming that at the end of the day you have nothing left to give to anything else. One thing I have learned is that the right relationship will not have you feel like you can't achieve things outside of it. If anything, it will feel like more of a driver to go out there and succeed.

[@danielandree3947]

I don’t think it’s good to blame a relationship on not doing something because if that’s the case and you’re not happy about it you really should take that “leap of faith” and change it, However, I can see why he feels that way, he said she goes to school and he works, I’d be willing to bet that since they moved cities and she’s a student, he’s probably working a job he’s not happy with but feels responsible to carry the home financially, and that can lead to the well “if I wasn’t in a relationship I could have done *enter blank here*”.

[@gavilar5425]

When he kept saying it feels like they're 'just good friends' and mentioned antidepressants (often associated to create lack of sexual desire) I was like... there's no sex in this relationship. I was surprised Evan didn't bring it up, seemed to me like he also was very protective of her. They also didn't come to a conclussion about antidepressants, I was interested in that part, but I understand it's not a subject to be talked in the last 10 minutes.

[@onseayu]

completely agree, also picked up on the same signs.

[@AnxietyRat]

Could be... But not everyone gets that symptom. It's a common one to have but there were certain antidepressants that did not give me that symptom. I've tried around 10 different ones. So it might not be an issue/symptom with her current meds. Who knows? They didn't mention it. He seemed more upset she upped the dose not that the drug was killing her sex drive already... which upping the dose does tend to make persistent side effects get worse. Just that she was "leaning on the crutch" of meds in his opinion. Which is bullshit in MY opinion.

[@steggyweggy]

@@AnxietyRat he definitely has a toxic view on medication imo, and sure just the meds on their own don’t automatically mean “oh yeah they definitely don’t have sex” but just the vibe they had and the way he described their relationship definitely made it more reasonable

[@beyondviolet]

They’re both very protective of each other, which is kind of the problem lol

[@zoobiewa]

He did say roommates more than sex early on.

[@yoyobeerman1289]

Holy shit... Dejavu. This seems almost exactly like the gender-swapped version of a long term relationship I have that's in trouble. I spent so much time and effort trying to make her life as stress-free and enjoyable as possible that I over-extended myself and neglected her moment-to-moment needs. Over the course of years she felt like she was entirely stagnant, and at the same time she felt like the relationship was stagnant because even though I was committed to her with my whole soul, I never proposed. I was scared. I was scared that I'd lock her in and end uo just like my dead-beat father, and we'd spend 20 miserable years together stuck because we've tied ourselves together legally. I also grew up around a lot of adults who never got married, and so it was never ingrained in me as something of symbolic significance. It was significant to her. It was very significant to her and I was so blinded by the day-to-day of trying to shelter her and provide for her and mould myself into what I thought was required to ensure I could make her happy for the rest of her life that I never stopped to ask her how she was doing or what she thought of the situation.

[@DreiSchwerterZorro]

It sounds like your relationship hasn't ended yet, so recognising the situation is awesome! How has it been? Were you able to work on your relationship so far?

[@emmanarotzky6565]

If marriage is important to her, she should propose instead of waiting for you to propose.

[@nineinchthread]

​@@emmanarotzky6565I hope we eventually go to society from needing to have the man proposed

[@fattyjaybird7505]

​@emmanarotzky6565 She'd rather resent you for not proposing, than do it herself

[@LFanimes333]

So… Y’all married by now?

[@michaela3681]

I’ve been in this guys shoes. My wife and I have been together since we were teenagers. I’m 40 now. There were times that I wondered what it would be like to go “ play the field”. Times that I got bored or ungrateful. Now I’m seriously great full that we have built this life together. Btw, contrary to most people’s belief, sex only gets better the older you get, if you live your spouse.

[@sallyjrwjrw6766]

I read Passages in college and it explained that adults go through a "mid-life crisis" every 7 years. Many people wind up divorcing their spouse thinking it is their spouse "holding them back" from change/growth. In fact, a good spouse is willing to grow with you. That is why a good therapist can help you translate your feelings into words that connect instead of words that erode.

[@hershey2581]

I was so confused listening to Evan talk. He was so vague, and I think I’m part because he wants to be the philosopher guy. And when Alexa got on I was relieved within 20 seconds how much more clear she is and able to boil down the issue lol. They definitely do live different lives, which is ok (:

[@Kakirachan]

He was so difficult to listen to tbh

[@IEdjumacate]

I think he just had a hard time articulating his issues in the relationship without giving out too much. Never got the impression that he wanted to be “philosopher guy”. Some people just aren’t great at articulating things especially when details need to be omitted & that’s okay.

[@broccoliandbeans]

I think he just tried his best to not say too much where his girlfriend might feel uncomfortable with

[@unknownpresences5627]

​@@broccoliandbeans this is exactly what's going on

[@iwant2haveu]

He puts up walls for sure.

[@MrWhiteLioness]

She was going around the question of "what do you think of how he should be spending his time?" She didn't want to give him a straight answer because she thought she was gonna be judged not only by him but the viewers. Her laughter was a sign of nervousness and holding back some thoughts.

[@MrWhiteLioness]

Which the thought came out in 1:12:56. That's what he wanted to hear and she wanted to say for so long.

[@Myllz]

I like how Dr K was throwing out the gaming stuff to Alexa and it went right over her head. The look on her face when he said "that was 5Head level shit" was funny.

[@Fuchsia_tude]

Yeah I kinda wish he would tone that down somewhat. If it helps connect with the gamer bros, whatever, but like in lectures and whatever it feels very "how do you do fellow kids"

[@Annemoontje]

@@Fuchsia_tude On the same time it's also just the environment he is in. You pick up language from your environment, and in his case, it's twitch. I notice occasionally that I've picked up a phrase on twitch too, even though (I'm 30) my outside world would not generally use it. He does seem to do it extra sometimes indeed, although I read it as a joke. So actually one level further that you imply, he's kinda joking about the fact that he's older and on twitch and is using this kind of wording to joke about the ' how do you do fellow kids'. Bc I mostly read it as a meta joke I don't find it as cringe worthy, as long as it isn't too much. It seems to be a combination of some phrases which you just pickup bc environment and the meta joke. The difference to me is the grin he has while using it.

[@Ribcut]

@@Fuchsia_tude The entire reason for his channel was to reach out to gamers. Have you tried reading the literal title of his channel? It's healthygamergg Him using those references is absolutely fine, and in fact intentional.

[@lemonke8132]

he's cringe with that sometimes

[@lemonke8132]

@@Ribcut but he doesn't know his audience. Clearly she said she spends no time on computers, and now he's speaking twitch emotes at her. It's an annoying lack of awareness.

[@Kvh47]

I am really glad DR. K split them up to get their individual POV's first, because boy did I get a completly wrong impression of her at the start of the video. I thought she was an anchor and that he should run. while actually she is great, she just doesnt meet his needs on some issues.

[@Kvh47]

@YMX that is not applicable to their situation at all, did you even watch the video?

[@Kvh47]

@YMX I actually watched it again and at no point does anything she says imply that she is with him for his money. for a long time he was "inbetween jobs" playing video games all day long and she stayed with him. You really think a gold digger would do that? I think she almost loves him too much which keeps him from changing or improving because he doesnt have to. He even admits that a kick under his ass would probably serve him better, than her taking the blame for everything that happens in their lives.

[@Kvh47]

@YMX Seems to me like you are projecting, had a run in with a gold digger yourself recently?

[@8pija22]

@@Kvh47 sounds more like someone who needs an excuse to hate women for being in relationships

[@azuzzza]

@YMX she literally works and is out all the time getting her shit together while he is at home gaming and then blames her for him not being more successful. what are you not understanding?

[@lunamente3821]

Chat could've handled this one with a bit more class, but that's why we're here after all. Patience and listening are key to understanding even as a viewer.

[@christinamansen8636]

How do you see the chat??

[@quistopherdavis9549]

@@christinamansen8636 It was streamed at first.

[@feefee6889]

It’s interesting to hear about Alexis reaction towards the kettle noise comment, it’s completely opposite of what my immediate reaction was, which would be to say “ikr, isn’t it the worst!?” I’m glad I get to watch this and learn about others reactions and maybe learn to deal with them myself.

[@dennagrey8055]

This guy gets a 👍 for going and asking if she was comfortable with sharing the example

[@coolbrz4]

Wow! My daughter recommended this and I am sold 100%! Love the courageous bravery of this couple and their willingness to share so openly and honestly. Dr. K is very insightful and does a great job teasing out what is really going on. And thanks to the chanting at the end, I now have a mediation form that feels much more aligned with me intuitively. Fantastic video all around.

[@ohheyderrkim]

I learned so much, this was beautiful. Love these two, i feel hopeful for them and their individual self growth. Dr. K is amazing thank you so much sir if you ever see this, definitely had some take aways for my own relationship.. I connected and related each with these two in certain aspects which some of the arising advices and pointers i'll be trying out on my own. So glad i took the time to watch the entire thing

[@calissaloricchio3957]

i need to share this because personally it's been weighing on me hard. it's been so hard to find a therapist for me, let alone a couple's therapist. we went to 2 so far. the first one was...not a good fit. she just wanted to look at the clock and end the session. second lady talked to my partner first for an hour, then "both of us" for the remaining. we talked all about my partner and his issues, but not mine, i got scolded for interrupting even though i never got a turn. second appointment she immediately said "so, you have a job yet?" i was LIVID. this lady was so unprofessional and did NOT want to even hear what my problems were. why did i not get my own time to talk with her? because she was extremely biased from the start and MY therapist was like "maybe she was" UM i was literally crying to my therapist about another therapist. Next appointment, She told me I could leave. I said is that how you talk to a paying customer?? She just said "I'm direct, you don't like that? You can leave" "No you're a biased asshole" I wanted to say. I literally have trauma from THERAPY. how they hell can I find someone that isn't like that? The thing is, she was fucking referred to me from my therapist who I like. And she told me this other therapist was direct which I was happy about. No, she was just an awful person. Why is it impossible to find someone normal? more people need to be like Dr. K....

[@alerp0712]

Omg I'm so sorry you've had such a horrible experience. She is one of those people who uses the excuse of being "direct" to be an asshole. My husband and I are in therapy and at the beginning I was doubtful, but our therapist ended up working out for us and I feel like we are getting along much better. I was lucky in this case, but at least when looking for a therapist for myself, only this year, I had to switch therapist 3 times until I found one that I feel like actually understands and gives me good advice. I hope you are able to find someone who can help you and your partner, maybe you can give feedback to the person who referred you to that therapist and maybe they can refer you to someone else or just look on your own in psychology today or maybe online service? My husband and I have been doing zoom appointments and it has been working well. Best of luck!

[@morg444]

Evan has a lot of frustration with himself that he needs to work out. Common with gamers. Being in a mood has nothing to do with her, he's frustrated with himself. Tough one. He needs to work on himself.

[@nidingale]

You know what's actually frustrating? Dr. K spending so much time on this talk and all people like you collect from it is that the sky is blue. What he needs is for her to stop providing him with a better option than confronting his internal conflict, because that's the only way he will start growing. It's not her fault, but luckily it seems that she's now aware that her kindness is hurting him and in return herself, which is what is corroding their relationship.

[@gonzaloc4711]

@@nidingale You know what's actually frustrating? You trying to dismiss a perfectly accurate comment with something that doesn't try to counter it. What you say isn't so thoughtful by the way, any person with a brain could've recited what dr K said in the video, just like you did.

[@nidingale]

@@gonzaloc4711 I can't tell if you're seeking attention or just genuinely incapable of processing information, but either way if you think putting all the blame on the dude is fine when it's clear that they're both the issue then you're literally a donkey. Of course I recap the video for the person who very clearly didn't watch it, because that's the entire point of the comment.

[@mbangroo]

@@nidingale na bro you said what most people are saying. chill

[@nidingale]

@@denks7849 You realise that by only mentioning his side in it you are blaming him, and only him?

[@spencer.eccles]

Playing videogames 20hrs/week then judging someone else for anti-depressants is a stunning lack of awareness

[@СимонЦанков]

everyone is on its own drug

[@Kaliburrrr]

For real though, she's clinically depressed doing what she can, he's cynically depressed talking about not needing medication like he's doing so great.

[@DrJerryFigs]

If you were a smart person you'd of come out of that with a way different mindset

[@Eirud]

What's a better spent 20 hours a week? A different hobby or discipline that results in the same effect in the form of disconnecting from emotions/reality? I don't understand your insult of hypocrisy. He mentioned he used video games during peak pandemic as a form of escapism, which everyone on the planet did in their own way, but that isn't the case now. Some guy at the gym working out 20 hours a week isn't doing anything different than Evan playing video games 20 hours a week. It's a distraction/absorption of time. Evans goals might be game based and the gym goers goals might be body or fatigue based. In the end they're both the same, so I'm confused by your criticism.

[@spencer.eccles]

@@Eirud He sees himself as more independent for not needing anti-depressants and thinks his girlfriend shouldn't rely on them when he relies on videogames to accomplish what she accomplishes with antidepressants. That's the hypocrisy. I never said videogames are better or worse.

[@SpyroTheSmallDragon]

Probably my favorite Dr. K videos of all time. I watched this a long time ago, and rewatching it I appreciate it just as much. I'd actually love to see a follow-up with this couple

[@BanAaron]

I bet £10 they broke up

[@ryanschwan2507]

@@BanAaron You monster! FR though I was like COME ON DUDE!

[@PrestoJacobson]

​@@BanAaron you angel! Which A Aron do you wanna ban?

[@shapedsilver3689]

This kinda reminds me of a relationship I was in about a year ago. We’d been together for a while, and nothing was really wrong but we still broke up because there was a feeling of “is this it?” and it just felt like it was time

[@steggyweggy]

Nothing wrong with that

[@gablo1089]

Two intelligent people! Still hard to see things from the inside even for smart folk. Hope these two can work it out, or failing that be happy.

[@tomoakley760]

It was curious to see how Alexa initially had these incongruities between the topic of discussion and her body language, like, smiling at strange moments where that reaction wouldn't be the norm. But then seeing her countenance change as it more honestly reflects the emotional issues she was trying so hard not to address openly. Dr K caught onto it quickly which affirmed that I wasn't just imagining things lol. But once I understood the incongruity was her subconsciously covering up those feelings of shame / self-blame, rather than her being vindictive and "smiling at her partner's flaws" or something, I understood her heart's in the right place and she's just needing the right way to communicate what's really inside her. And yeah, total energy switch-up between her and Evan's segments. Even while she was being protective and shutting down her own true feelings, she still communicated more clearly in five minutes than Evan did in 45 minutes. But I can see how Evan clearly has multiple tracks running in his brain at once, trying to see a situation from every angle without claiming a definite position on the matter. I can be like that at times, Alexa has the skill of being able to just get to the crux of the matter (self-blame aside). No hate against Evan, I just see the different communication styles and that can be tough to reconcile when one partner habitually speaks in more floaty ephemeral terms, and the other wants to just stay on point and eschew what they view as unneeded ambiguities or tangents. But it seems like they've been trying to reconcile such differences. More power to them both.

[@aspiringcoconut6561]

I really hope you do more steams with couples like this.

[@Svendzeen]

This was great, I learned a lot from this one. Being in a relationship for some years in the same age group as these two, I can take away a lot from this. Respect to Evan and Alexa! Seem like great people :) Wish them the best of luck in life. Thank you so much Dr. K!

[@chajonson]

Wish you the best bro :)

[@_naichog4425]

i got a "he just warned them of being in an abusive relationship 20 years down the line" kinda vibe, wow 1:49:05

[@PonaHD]

Kind of exactly what this video is about lol.

[@TheBigWazowski]

I think you guys are misreading that situation

[@webgard_]

@@TheBigWazowski nah I think it's accurate. continuing in the self-destructive tendencies and co-reliant tendencies the both had would not result in a healthy relationship down the line, even if it's not toxic now.

[@TheBigWazowski]

WΞbgΛrd That’s not really what I meant. I think Dr. K recognized them as smart enough to realize the point you made, so I don’t think he would have felt the need to hint at that. But idk

[@Svenbala]

Saw the stream and was like ughh... this doesn't have anything to do with mental-health and turned it off. I watched the whole thing just now and realize I was completely wrong. There was so much in this session that was mental-health related, and also learned a lot about communication skills and understanding ones partner. Good shit Dr K!

[@Phantom_madman]

They both seem like cool people

[@justinkellenberger7462]

right? they're both real funny.

[@jarry8150]

ya?

[@manumaster1990]

no.

[@squingussquingle]

@@manumaster1990 subjective

[@manumaster1990]

@@squingussquingle no shit sherlock

[@soapfoam]

LOL Calling parental misteachings malware is the best metaphor I've heard all month.

[@danielmcdougle6925]

amazon devices across the world all activating every time dr. k says Alexa >_

[@siphom47]

This video caused me so much anxiety, there were 5 times I would have just ran away and said yeah idk if this is worth the stress. Dr K is so good at making you confront your feelings about things

[@ordainedegg5388]

I love these interviews with people who aren't social media personalities. I feel like I'm getting a mini therapy session just by watching. (Not that I substitute these videos for getting professional help!!!)

[@kritivathinthaly5468]

I really wish I was able to save my relationship of 5 years. I'm a little too late and now filled with regret. I was blinded by my ego and didn't listen or try to understand her. I know the best I can do is learn from it but man it's hard. Best of luck to them and hopefully whatever happens, they both end up happy.

[@Vivivofi]

Kritivath Inthaly, I hope the same for you.

[@kritivathinthaly5468]

@@Vivivofi Wow thank you

[@Vivivofi]

@@kritivathinthaly5468 Its no problem, we all make mistakes because we're human. But I don't think they're ever really mistakes once you've learned. You just keep moving, you do your thing. I wish you the best of luck and a peace in mind to last a lifetime, my friend. Stay safe and be well!

[@darijanjamak2632]

Kritivath Inthaly can you elaborate? I have had times where my ego has gotten the better of me in an argument

[@kritivathinthaly5468]

@@darijanjamak2632 Essentially when we had arguments, I always had to be right and because of that, I would get angry when she was right. I never truly listened to what she had to say or her feelings.

[@lizbarbanell7643]

ARE THEY STILL TOGETHER!? I NEED TO KNOW!

[@MrGatlin98]

1:48:26 I think she felt a huge relief when Dr. K said that because she's been wanting to say it for a while but didn't want to cause conflict.

[@BusinessWolf1]

I'm very proud of myself for figuring out bit by bit that there's been gender reversal in the way they deal with problems, and when Dr. K said it I was just so happy to be right

[@StorytellingHeadshots]

Dude: “I want to break up with her because she holds me back from my potential to build a company, conquer the world, etc…I’m just not growing and living up to what my friends are achieving.” Girl: “He plays video games 8+ hours a day. I try to stay busy.” Hmmm. Yeah, she’s really holding him back. 🙄🙄🙄

[@suds9365]

Lol They said he now plays 20 hours a week 😂 that’s not even that much

[@iwant2haveu]

@@suds9365I’d take that claim with a grain of salt.

[@rbvp45]

😂

[@ed.amame_z]

@@suds9365LOL, imagine if we all told the world how much or how long we ACTUALLY game for. Mans probably spends as much time on game as a full time job.

[@hoogalaga]

Hey Dr. K as someone who meditates and also chants, I just want to say that sometimes when you try to teach an anxious person chanting on stream I feel they are unable to fully engage with it and will therefore not really feel any enthusiasm to continue the practice. Obviously I have no way of knowing what other people will or will not do but I just thought that if you agree with me you might want to consider giving more down to earth practices for beginners.

[@maxim_ml]

A really cool video. One tidbit I found interesting is the {expression of pain => feeling of guilt => attempt to fix instead of understand} pipeline

[@gzozgo]

"Notice the change in emotion, watch her face" but then I notice the change in Dr. K's emotion and face when she seems somewhat okay with Evan calling her an annoying person.

[@thecooljohn100]

This was just amazing to watch. This channel is a gift to all it's followers and listeners.

[@lostclips7078]

1:47:40 When Dr K says what she has been wanting tell him, its that like "finally" moment

[@darrenmills3943]

In my experience, fighting with your partner, if done with compassion and understanding, is a positive sign that there is something worth fighting for

[@jakeb.6487]

"So you feel like this relationship is preventing you from living the life you're supposed to... Have you got any questions for me?" "Yeah what's with the chairs behind you?"

[@sallyjrwjrw6766]

That is a question I would ask!

[@dancesingsmile]

love this. and man, can i relate to her feeling of "everything is my fault" or "i've ruined things and everyone is mad at me". Thankfully i can say that i have had so much growth in this tendency of blaming myself and thinking of things in such black and white terms. It's been a lot of trial and error, but my progress on this frong is one of the reasons I feel that life gets better with age. When people joke that they're "turning 24 again" on their birthday i just can't relate to the joke at all. for me young life and especially my 20s were so turbulant and trying to figure out and navigate my own emotions was painful and confusing work. There is still much i work on and growth to be had--that never quits--but as someone nearing my 40s i can say that my life is full of so much more peace. thanks dr k for this and all your vids. i am learning a lot!

[@BUGHUNTER6]

This is so incredibly helpful, massive kudos to everyone involved, opening up and everything 👏❤️

[@Dave29]

i watched the stream and was pretty happy when they figured it out

[@WatchLearnSee]

spoilers bro

[@witchhunter7652]

@@WatchLearnSee brooooooooooooo

[@TheOnlyWay2Go.]

WatchLearnSee brooooo jkjk:)

[@jackieboyok]

There was a dude in my friend group who was just like this guy, like an armchair philosopher. Always thought he has the answers and knew better than doctors and professionals, it was infuriating

[@brainstorming1369]

wow...she is so well-spoken and kind. he's a lucky guy.

[@mxandrew]

I think it’s interesting how Alexa is able to articulate very clear and specific reasons she likes being with Evan whereas Evan seems to have a lot of internalized respect for her while not being able to specifically name things that he likes about her. Also I feel so much for Alexa. I hate to blame anyone else for problems because that has never been safe for me. It is always easier to manage your own actions than expect the adults around you to actually take responsibility for their own actions

[@fattyjaybird7505]

I dont know, the fact that they know this is public, Alexa seems to skirt around her actual feelings of "turning off the kettle to appease him" ... theres a resentment, an unspoken anger, vindictive, which she more than likely expresses to her peers, while acting like she "defends him" .... she comes out on top, he "is the asshole" .... he's whiney, she is a passive narcissist.... they are doomed, hopefully

[@mxandrew]

@@fattyjaybird7505 I fundamentally disagree with how much you are reading into this especially considering your lack of hard evidence from their interactions. I think trying to phrase Alexa “skirting around” something when earlier in the same stream Evan explicitly leaves to room to clear up a boundary with her is assigning a misogynistic level of deception to her. I think both of them just want a respectful (to them) amount of their dirty laundry public on the internet forever. Your conclusion is weirdly specific and again, lacking any evidence or context. I don’t hate you or anything, I’m just trying it tell it like it is.

[@fattyjaybird7505]

@@mxandrew true, i am just assuming by her story of the boiling water, tho its definitely not misogynistic... i would say the same of any other human with that type of behavior, ive seen it before, and ive seen the aftermath, ive seen males do it, its a control and power coping mechanism, but thats the part you dont tell your patients if you are getting them to reconcile, or get them angry with you... she likes to be right, and she believes she is, cause other therapists have probably told her exactly what Dr. K told her...shes probaly already told him, he probably whined about it, idk im sorry, im dark, i wonder if theyre still together ❤️

[@a1b1c184]

I'm new to Dr K and probably one of his oldest viewers at 44 but this is good stuff. Dr K is a good doc.

[@dalindacastro714]

I’m new and also watching any videos I haven’t watched from time to time. Good stuff indeed.

[@anthonyg6083]

Dying to know updates on them! Hope they both find what they are looking for!!

[@randomshots2023]

As a therapist who wants to learn couple therapy, this is goldmine. Thank you dr.K You guys in the therapy dont realise how good having a best friend for 5 years to figure out life together is. ❤

[@80sixd]

kid is 22 and made a promise when we was 18... its haunting him bc he thinks he has to keep that promise.. He is ready to move on. Unfotunately i was in a very similar situation and handled it completely the wrong way. My advice to this kid would be to break up cordially, it will hurt them both at first... BUT it will work out.

[@bane8305]

My advice is to cheat and make her keep thinking bout him and then leave before she cheats back

[@catleaf]

@@bane8305LOL

[@nineinchthread]

​@@bane8305are you joking?

[@nineinchthread]

Also I think some people can make it work and some can't it just depends.who know what they up to now.

[@bane8305]

@@nineinchthread How old are you

[@YerNewUncle]

Great watch, and I respect Dr. K and everything he does, but... This relationship is not going to last. Sad to say, cause I like them both. Wish them the best!

[@LeVector1337]

Nothin' lasts forever And we both know hearts can change And it's hard to hold a candle In the cold November rain - Guns N' Roses "November Rain"