What To Do When You Realize You Are The Toxic Person

Deep inhale ALRIGHT, so. I'm not sure how this one will go over but it felt important to make. This video focuses mostly on the controlling behaviors that are part and parcel with anxious-spectrum attachment issues (so, anxious and fearful-avoidant control responses) but the principles of noticing and setting boundaries around your own triggers can apply to pretty much anyone.
It is impossible to heal from interpersonal trauma like attachment wounding without, at some point, becoming aware of how your wounding has impacted the people around you. This does not mean you are "toxic," "narcissistic" or otherwise fatally flawed. It means you're a human being trying to do better. And if you want to know where to begin, this video is for you.
I should also note that I didn't really talk about what I mean by 'controlling behaviors' in this vid. So that's coming as a follow-up. Stay tuned. I love you!
www.heidipriebe.com

[@monicalouis14]

"If you are alive, you have behaved toxic. There is no way that a human soul is so damaged that your mere existence corrodes them. You are not a dangerous chemical." Thank you so so much, Heidi

[@kathyodaniel4044]

my kids hate me that much and adore the abuser drug dealing person

[@mummyjohn]

that is exactly the line that had me pause and share the video too. this singular message is worth a million pounds in gold. I don't know why it lands when she says it; maybe it's being ready to hear it, maybe it's being pre-biased to trust her because of the success of other videos, but in this instance I hear that and actually believe it. Maybe it's just never been phrased quite like that - young life certainly taught me the that the exact opposite was true.

[@GEOFFAMORTON]

I have a long list of people I owe massive apologies to - people who didn’t deserve what I had to offer. Most of these people I have apologized to, to some degree of relationship repair. Some others….. ehhhhh….

[@camilabomfim2234]

"We can only meet other people as deeply as we've met ourselves. If you are having toxic relationships with anybody else, it's always because you are having a toxic relationship with yourself first and you are reflecting that relationship outward." 🔥🔥🔥

[@peterwinson317]

I was looking for this comment. This is the part that really hit home for me. Working on myself first.

[@andrew.gardiner]

Wow!…. talk about having a drop the microphone moment KaaaaaBoom! TBH - I have been gripping & clinging on to this same microphone for so long and so tightly that my knuckles have been white for 62 years…. in a row:-). This is such valuable insight, and while intellectually and cognitively, I know this is true and I believe to the depth of of my very being, the hard wiring & subconscious programming runs so deeply, that it literally takes a Herculean effort to pull myself out of the movie, and objectively and maturely take responsibility for myself, including my emotional well-being, my choices, and the results (consequences) of all my choices, actions and behaviors. It begins with the awareness, followed up by a rigorously honest, consistent, & ongoing, systematic effort (ACTION) to unlearn these destructive, negative patterns of thinking & behavior and retrain myself. Suffice to say, it also requires patience, persistence, discipline, and an unshakable, unwavering desire to heal. I am happy to report that I have made some meaningful progress, however, there still remains plenty of good work & self healing ahead of me. XOXO Andrew

[@SewerMatt]

It’s really nice to see a video empathetic towards people with toxic behaviours and a resource to help, everyone is willing to point fingers and blame problems on other toxic people in their life but it’s hard to look at yourself and reflect on your own toxic behaviours. No one will ever improve their behaviour if we write them off as a inherently irredeemable toxic person by nature, everyone has the ability to grow and change and we could all use a bit of self reflection on our own behaviour, it’s okay.

[@cairosilver2932]

I'd say no, people aren't somehow 100% dependent on others to not write them off in order to self improve. And some people don't want to grow and change - thus they do not have the ability to grow and change as a result of that.

[@GG-jj3hw]

That's because it is not safe to be empathetic to someone so damaging to you. But it is really nice to try to teach them to be empathetic to themselves, from a safe place, when you are not involved in relationship with them.

[@siddhartacrowley8759]

​@@GG-jj3hwYou don't need to be empathic to toxic people. But shaming toxic people is also leading nowhere and is not constructive.

[@amnbvcxz8650]

Not everything can be changed, some ways of relating are unchangeable

[@joewilson9361]

​@@amnbvcxz8650 that's probably true, but we would hopefully meet them in good faith if they look into changing for the better on their own behalf

[@TheLategates]

Usually the person that is honestly able to consider that question is not toxic, but growing. True toxic people rely on blame shifting and victimhood.

[@danielmckee6471]

Yea. Toxic people can change . Usually it takes a total rock bottom to rattle them into asking the question “could it be me”

[@jaimebanks8377]

There are no "true toxic people." You're galvanizing your bias by repeating such things. We're all simply human beings.

[@DaveE99]

We all have an amygdla and all have triggers, ego parts . And we live in a sick world due to the hierarchy supporting and corruption intending influences in politics.

[@TheLategates]

@@bentosan If a person goes through their entire life blaming others (often using FOG - fear, obligation and guilt) to protect their own ego, how is that healthy and how will they ever learn or grow? Yes, it’s a base human behaviour but eventually they’ll lose friends and relationships. They’re ultimately toxic to themselves.

[@Momo-po5tn]

Not true

[@juliettevharris]

I really like how clearly she explains things. She is really good at what she does.

[@lovehalcyon]

😊k

[@lovehalcyon]

L

[@lovehalcyon]

😊m

[@lovehalcyon]

Mll

[@lovehalcyon]

L

[@TheCakeIsALie422]

I have watched so many videos like this, and I have never heard the “All anyone means by toxic is you are driven by toxic shame, rather than healthy guilt” before. It connected some extremely important dots for me!

[@thecreatorlair]

And also, to quote Jonathan Decker from Cinema Therapy, “Healthy guilt is directed at a behavior that you chose that you can make better.” After you’ve done the work to make up for your mistakes, the guilt then needs to be released, since it served its purpose in getting you to recognize what you did wrong and got you to make changes.

[@RicardoLopez-ts3sr]

Can you explain the difference please?

[@SahelSarai]

Finding this woman is an emotional experience for me. For the past 5 years, from 20-25 years old, I've been stumbling my way around in the dark on this journey and behaving atrociously in self-preservation. 3 years ago I realized I WAS the toxic person, but as you say, there are NO resources out there and any therapist I went to always thought I was judging myself too harshly for some reason as well, even though I had all the evidence for the opposite. It's like people have no idea what change would look like, so they're incapable of understanding people can change and how to help them change. It really feels like I've had to work for this video... like, I couldn't have just stumbled on your channel years ago. I had to reach a certain point. I learned so much on my own, and now to hear it articulated and expanded on exponentially... it makes me emotional. Thank you for what you're doing, Heidi.

[@user-cu7so2zs2b]

I completely agree with you. I stopped thinking of people as narcissistic and that they had to be avoided because they had narcissistic traits. I realised that they have been abused like me. They have not been able to self actualise and they operate as a scared child like me. I do recognise that there is something wrong with the communication style not them or me. This has improved my relationships with a lot of people.

[@PierreDominique141]

❤

[@azmomconnection]

Oh, wow. It's like you read my mind.

[@victoriatench]

Oh my gosh, I have absolutely been desperately Googling what to do (slow gasp and wide eyes) as I’ve realized and been dreading the likelihood that I’m the toxic one/narcissist. So thankful to have found this - ready to start this super hard work! Thank you so much for tackling this topic, Heidi!

[@happytortoisee]

I'm still pretty young but I realized how narcissistic I've been. I've literally been told for YEARS how narcissistic I an and just ignored it but they were right. I haven't been caring about other people I've been making everything about me and not doing anything for other people like my parents always said. I always looked for ways to be the victim (especially on social media) and always made excuses even if it was unintentional. I've started to lose friends because I don't think about what I say and always bring the conversation to me. It's really hard go write this because it's the first actual time I'm admitting to myself that I'm the toxic person. It will get better though, I'll work hard to be a good person. Time to start setting goals! I'm trying really hard to do better.....It just doesn't help when every video is about pointing fingers 😃 Update: I wasn't narcissistic I just kept putting labels to justify hating myself lol. I'm all good now and authenticity me well in the process I like myself and others seem to like me more too :) Also, the people telling me I was narcissistic were gaslighting manipulative jackasses that told a 5 year old they were a narcissist. I've since removed them from my life.

[@MrCoffis]

Depending on how young “pretty young” is, it is normal to go through narcissistic phases growing up. For various reasons they might stay a bit longer than for others as a coping mechanism to be able to go through tough times and hence you feel no or little empathy towards others because you already are dealing with a lot. Generally it’s not healthy because you are trying to protect yourself but end up hurting yourself more in the long run because you don’t get to make strong friendship bonds and have to carry a lot of psychological baggage on your own. Since you do this unknowingly realising that you do this is really the biggest step towards improvement there is and you should be happy you did come to this realisation.

[@sacred_alchemy]

I’m proud of you ❤

[@whereisyourhumanity7557]

Being young is kind of narcissistic. I mean, you depend on others for everything, when you are young. It sounds like you intend to grow up with goals of being thoughtful and authentic, so you are on the right path!

[@Eg-jd9zt]

Usually a narcissist doesn’t even wonder if they are, as they don’t care they are never wrong ever. So the fact you questioned it and cared, shows you prob weren’t lol

[@aliveslice]

When I saw your parents told you this I called bs. I'm glad you went through this process and learned about yourself in the end 🧡

[@ashleighhindson4590]

The 10 year relationship you described is exactly how I felt in my previous long term relationship, I was mentally exhausted trying to figure out who is the one in the wrong, then feeling immense guilt thinking I was a terrible person… thank you for the video

[@pgreens]

Same same same! Also a 10 year relationship! I thought it was odd that I was willing to consider her accusations may be true, while she would not do the same. Still, the self-doubt remains. Could they be right? The insidious thing about all of this is it's so easy to say, "no u" and nothing gets solved... because "no u" is exactly what someone projecting would say if confronted about projecting. But if both people are no u-ing... well, that's a death spiral. Very confusing and painful time, glad it's over and I can explore inner realities without constant outer bombardment.

[@etcwhatever]

​​@@pgreensits the same for me. I always tried to improve based on feedback. But didnt get the same in return. This is why now i remain single. Im trying to fix my issues but i think it will require effort until the day i die. You guys are heros...none of my relationships lasted more than 2 yrs

[@shannahighsmith1179]

I love your perspective. I totally agree and know I have been Both Victim and Villain in relationships.

[@jasonweisman7243]

Me too

[@montanarusticranch2998]

I’m going to watch more, but I saw this. I’m curious if she tackles the projection some can pick up.

[@autisticflapper]

I couldn't thank you enough for this video, I need to watch this whenever my past comes to haunt me, which it does from time to time. The topic of toxic relationships comes up a lot in the autistic community. Obviously autistics are more vulnerable to abuse. But few are willing to acknowledge that because autistics experience so much trauma (and have limited social skills), many will also develop maladaptive behaviors themselves and behave in ways considered abusive. I was that person, and I know I am not alone.

[@HundredPercentLuck]

This very much. ❤️ I relate to your comment very much.

[@the.masked.one.studio4899]

I understand what you're saying and I'm sorry you've experienced that. I'm also a part of the community. I've connected with others through a support group and most of us are really focused on self improvement. If you want to message me, I can ask for an invitation.

[@kassi4837]

You really aren’t alone and this video is really empowering to those working to get out of maladaptive cycles and behaviors. It takes courage, grit and perseverance as well as great maturity to do.

[@andydataguy]

Shit, reading this makes my past trauma make more sense 🫣

[@autisticflapper]

@@the.masked.one.studio4899 I lliterally just saw this now, but yes, count me in!

[@rohitsonone9643]

This video was so revealing. It made me realise yes I'm the shame based person. I have been reclusive my whole life, i didn't let anyone come near me. Finally i found someone who's willing to get inside and fight their way through it but i end up hurting them. It's just my bad behaviour and expectations from the other person that don't get fulfilled and then i lash out. Maybe not screaming or being physically violent in any way but i harm them by my words. I harm them. Outwardly one can find me quite charming won't be able to figure out why I'm this way. But i can see how i developed these coping mechanisms to avoid my childhood trauma and that deep sense that I'm somehow different. It's all screwed up. There are times i realise this when i do introspection but sometimes it's just difficult to not be triggered. Like when you want your loved one to be around you but situation dictates that they can't be and you feel as if it's your right to lash out to let them know it's they who are at fault. But having said that i see from this, people who get attracted to "toxic" person like me are also flawed in a way as they accept my bad behaviour. I need to get better and i need to realize that my behaviour isn't me and i can change it. It seems uphill task though because somewhere in the past i kind of accepted that I'm broken and i do not deserve love. And now when i have it by sheer chance I end up hurting the other person despite their perseverance to tolerate my unhealthy attachment.

[@Diane_McDon]

I could have written these exact same words

[@foresthandfield910]

@@Diane_McDonsame, I guess we aren’t so different after all

[@luthohlazo7431]

Someone has put my feelings and thoughts into words.

[@jasonweisman7243]

I want to do better. I am the common denominator in my relationships. I can do better and you are an enormous help, Heidi.

[@rustyshimstock8653]

Brilliant common denominator metaphor.

[@CourBarone]

i was the toxic person and she left me 8 days ago. i was emotionally abused as a kid and i did it to my amazing, loving partner. i feel so regretful and filled with dread and self hatred. thank you for this video.

[@CTHD13]

You are not alone in recreating your emotional abuse. My ex left 3 months ago, and I totally deserved it. It has been a turning point in my life, as much as it even matters anymore.

[@blnkrctn]

my ex left me a month ago because of my behavior too

[@Johnson-sd5mr]

I really don't understand how your channel doesn't have millions of subs. It honestly confuses me.

[@ingrid3578]

I needed this video so much. A lot has happened in my life the last couple of years, and I'm FINALLY ready to begin taking responsibility for my failures and shortcomings. I am finally ready to face the fact that I inherited a lot of my narcissistic father's traits. My relationships with my family members and my ex are eerily similar to the way he functioned in his marriage. I am struggling with so much shame right now, shame that I turned out like him, shame that I'm a narcissistic brat who acts entitled and is emotionally abusive. The shame is so painful that I'm cycling between rage and despair, anything to mitigate the shame I have for the person I've become. I needed this video so badly to tell me that I am brave for even admitting I have a problem in the first place, and that I'm capable of change, and that my behaviours are maladaptive coping mechanisms from childhood that no longer serve me. Thank you Heidi. I will try to push forward on this excruitatingly painful and shameful journey.

[@schoo9256]

I wish you the best of luck. Facing the shadow self, the part of our self that we work so hard to protect from our own notice, is hard but it is worth it. Do it and the end result is that you will learn to like yourself, truly and deeply. Many blessings to you ❤

[@Pandoradow]

You’re not a lone

[@grietlaenen8169]

You ll get there for sure. All the best to you ❤❤

[@tonic.9234]

So proud of you!

[@theadventuresofNeeBee]

Because, same.

[@studiotinneluyten]

‘We are all in this together!’ 🤩 ‘You are not a dangerous chemical, you are a human being.’ 😂 Love your humor and how you dissect and then rephrase words/behavior. Toxic versus shame based. 👀 Please continue forever and ever.

[@Happywholy]

Doing away with this term “toxic person” - you are an ok person you are doing the best you can, you just need better coping mechanism. Problem is 99% both persons are unhealthy in some capacity. If you’re insecure attached there is a constant struggle in your head about whose fault is it. Both of us are doing things. It’s not black or white. Stop the game of whose fault it is in your mind. Separate identify from behaviour. Spend time in your life in observer mode than judgemental mode - of yourself. When are you behaving like this and why. Figure out where you are hurting people because you are hurt, be very very aware Slow that moment down, what’s happening in my body, I’m triggered, I need to take a step back.

[@alyssalewis8421]

It is really scary to try to research what to do if you made a mistake or have toxic behaviors and most articles are about how awful you are. 😩 I appreciate this video very much.

[@johanneshalberstadt3663]

While listening to this I am thinking: maybe we should allow for the notion that - even if not ideal - some amount of hurt is going to happen in relationships, to be integrated into our concepts of relationships and ourselves. I am talking about idealism vs. realism here. Perfectionism in that area may lead to unnecessary shame and self-blame.

[@robertblume2951]

Honestly I thought people did this already?

[@ahimsaalexander9004]

Ooh, lala! Love this topic;) It is soooo freaking necessary for the culture. I’ve said for a while that the whole demonization of those with mental illness, be it narcissistic or bipolar or whatever, is an act, in and of itself, rather neurotic. If someone has BPD or NPD, rejecting and shaming them is actually a really strong validation to their coping mechanisms in reality,

[@shellbell8062]

If someone truly has NPD Im not saying that you should shame them but you need to get the hell out. I work with these people and they do not change. Yes they have experienced trauma in childhood, but they had created a false self and in order to feel control they then target empaths and methodically manipulate and break down their self esteem. I have even known them to be microdosing bleach into heir targets drink to slowly damage their insides. If you don't understand this then you probably are lucky enough to never have experienced it. I appreciate some of the insights of this video; but it is incorrect to say that people with anti social personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder or psychopaths are not toxic and inherently bad. They are, and they never change. IT's like being empathic towards a crocodile. I may not want to see the crocodile hurt or abused, but if I go and sit next to him he will take my arm off, because he's a crocodile. Those are not the types of people who watch this video anyway as they have no intention of being honest with themselves or changing.

[@drebugsita]

Yes but also narcissistic abuse is very real and dangerous and requires awareness to not fall victim to it

[@redj1101]

@@drebugsita We can just call it emotional abuse because that’s what it is

[@smokyquartz5817]

A Narcissist is never someone to defend. Protect the others.

[@Aelffwynn]

​@smokyquartz5817 nuance exists. Someone may be a narcissist, and if you need to go low/no contact with them to be safe, you should do that. But it's not healthy to go around armchair diagnosing everyone you have toxic interactions with. Lots of things could be going on, and in most cases, we all need to take responsibility for our part to play. Not all cases, but most. Nobody's saying, "don't protect yourself."

[@sleethmitchell]

the number of youtube videos on narcissistic videos is staggering. i watch them uncomfortably, vacillating between recognizing the trait in my partner, then in myself. thanks for calling that out. very helpful.

[@SB-yj7qo]

The distinction between operating from shame vs guilt was very illuminating. Thank you for sharing your insights!

[@pgreens]

Thanks for making this. Ive been trying to find resources for suspected self-diagnosed narcissism and other "toxic" traits. Its always people dunking on narcissists and how to get away from them, nothing about how to fix it, especially if its a self-suspicion. As if its impossible for narcissists to earnestly investigate and reconsider their thoughts and behavior. Thanks! Super subscribed.❤

[@ItsAsparageese]

Just want to say, good on you, that's an incredibly brave and humble step to take, whether one is a narcissist or just narcisstish. If you haven't found the channel the Nameless Narcissist yet, you might dig his content, I've been really impressed with it!

[@satovich]

this is exactly what I needed someone to tell me, like an awakening slap in the face. I've spent too long thinking that the world is toxic and I'm deeply flawed.

[@hilarydaly1872]

Thank you. Your channel is great. Me too. I have behaved atrociously and been abusive in relationships. I get so frightened and so stressed. And lashed out in anger, verbally not physically. And then wonder I'm single. But then I've also been treated badly. A vicious circle

[@katiebee2937]

If it’s any consolation too anyone; If you are willing to admit your behaviour is toxic then you are already half way to resolving your issues truly toxic people never admit they are wrong or say sorry

[@aviator1787]

thank you heidi. it’s interesting to think of all the ways addressing our own shame can help us treat others better. it’s like we have so much shame, we start “sharing the shame” with people around us. ouch!

[@clara.c.m.]

You just performed a mass exhorcism here with this video, Heidi. You are such a great human being. A true "lightworker". Thank you for your work and all your efforts!

[@emilyjoy7059]

Yes, absolutely phenomenal.

[@monica_.]

Omg this made me giggle. Loved your comment Clara!

[@emilywilcock4039]

Omg! I want to shout this from the rooftops! Thank you for making this video. I strongly believe that the more we demonize narcissistic traits and “toxic” behavior and “just cut those people out” the more those with those negative traits and behaviors will be denied and does the opposite of encouraging self reflection and take responsibility. And it’s not just others who will deny and justify their behavior, but ourselves as well. It’s not about encouraging behavior that is hurtful, it’s about understanding that mistakes are a part of life and so is forgiveness, especially forgiveness of oneself. We need to get away from this perfectionism and shame! Signed, a recovering perfectionist/covert narcissist. ❤

[@timk7073]

ENFP here. Great topic. My bad behavior started early on at Catholic school. I leaned in to my role as the family scapegoat, after saying to myself, "I am bad, so now I will do "bad" things." This was reinforced by my schoolteachers. My older brother was the "golden child" who got good grades and everyone thought he was "the smart one." In hindsight, his role was not easy or enviable either (lots of pressure and he was "expected" to do all the "right" things).

[@lalaanae333]

Is this a common trait among ENFP that we are like campaigners which is portrayed as people who pander 😮

[@browndiamond457]

Im just now seeing this video at 2am and the title did make my heart sink a little,but i decided to watch it anyways. Im glad i clicked on it,because its helping with the residual toxic shame ive been feeling on and off for the past few days.

[@rachaelpino6914]

You said if you are healthy, you probably don't spend a lot of time with unhealthy people, but if you are unhealthy, you might spend most of your time with unhealthy people. That is exactly what I have been self reflecting on for a while. Honestly the title of your video really piqued my curiosity, and so much of what you say really resonates with meet at least so far. I'm like halfway into the video, but I am eager to listen to it all. And I do want to send it to a lot of people, but I'm not because I think they're toxic, but I just really liked what you say about the fact that people are not inherently flawed and unfixable.

[@rachaelpino6914]

And please excuse all the weird typos. I'm using speech-to-text

[@amritagitikam.7922]

Thank u so much for this video, I'm an INTJ and A Fearful Avoident. I hv heard this so many times tht, I'm emotionally blocked, Cold, heartless, psychopath, arrogant. Where as all this time I was just protecting my inner self and couldn't even realized how my behavior must have hurt people around me. I really want to change n be more kind, understanding n most importantly build a healthy relationship myself and make my inner self feel safe even with other people.

[@rachelk4805]

People are not toxic, people are not bad. Relationships and behavior can be toxic, but people are nuanced and everyone will harm and help many people throughout their life. If you feel like a toxic person, it probably comes from harm that you have experienced. Work through your own pain, which isn't your fault, but is your problem. Also, let's differentiate between people who are egocentric or have narcissistic traits and true narcissists as defined by the dsm, because a diagnosed narcissist is not likely to change, they are not likely to see a problem with their behavior. It is because they aren't interested in growth or change..If you are, you are not a narcissist.

[@EsseQuamVideriSe7en]

I think that when the blinders were lifted and I recognized my attachment style, I then saw the true harm I caused those around me. So I then took ALL the blame on myself. It's then hard to forgive and look upon myself with compassion. It's something I am going to have to work on. Hope to see some videos from you on this.

[@rnbsteenstar]

Anxious preoccupied!

[@EsseQuamVideriSe7en]

@@rnbsteenstarFearful-avoidant 😞

[@rnbsteenstar]

@@EsseQuamVideriSe7en one of my loves has dealt with that. While he seems to be trying to work through it he may be approaching it wrong.

[@grandmastermario3695]

Alot of times I want to just be alone and be away from the world because I don't trust people, because alot of people are rude selfish mean cruel, and even down right pure evil, but other times I want to shut myself out of the world because I find that I'm toxic, and that it's eventually going to go horribly wrong.

[@lulusworld2703]

Heidi you are quite genius in my book!This video made me realize how creative we are as human beings at finding places to hide.When we play hide and seek with others we are in fact doing that with ourselves. Shame is so tricky to deal with. Thank you for your content, it has made such a massive difference to me.

[@maddyglasses]

I really appreciate this video! I have observed in myself a tendency to use my insights into another person's psyche (their struggles, insecurities) as a weapon against them if I end up feeling hurt by something they do or say. This seems to mostly only occur between me and those with whom I engage in a romantic way, not usually friends or family members. I think that focusing on their "flaws" ends up causing me to somewhat devalue them in an attempt to protect myself. My only explanation for this would be that it's rooted in a maladaptive belief that if I address their flaws and dismantle their worth in my mind, they won't have enough "power" to ever hurt me again. There may also be a sense of vengefulness? (You hurt me so I'll show you). I'm trying really hard to get to the root of this and address where it's coming from. It's clearly not an emotionally mature, healthy way of interacting, and only leaves me feeling remorseful and alone. Your videos are really helping me shed more light on my internal world. Thank you.

[@muscleman369]

A reaction out of anger or frustration especially when hurt or feeling like someone has crossed the line can be tit for tat. But we often are left with regret as we act fast to relieve the pain of being hurt by this person. Some people will poke and prode you so it's all about sticking within your character frame and not being reactionary.

[@lzestrara1518]

@@muscleman369 Is that you in your profile pic?

[@ericniles4867]

This fire video was on fire! I shortcut boundaries for myself and deny myself the time I need with myself. All because I want to control situations. Life is so much more complex than work. Thanks, I'm choosing my imperfect self.

[@Chopin1397]

Thank you Heidi for this beautiful video. I came out of an alcoholic home with toxic shame after reading John Bradshaw’s book, Healing the Shame . . . Ever since I’ve felt broken, bad, flawed and corrupt. It was the underlying reason I became an alcoholic myself. Now that I’m sober I realize I never addressed this issue. I’m looking at myself and I see traits inside that I accuse others of having. I admire your honesty Heidi and I’m listening closely to what you say so I can finally do something about this crippling condition.

[@sagnikhaldar3229]

I have thought about this topic for such a long time... I have searched about it for soo long... I have seen so many videos before this one but i never found a video that was actually good... Thank God Heidi made this one... This video is a gold... This is such a helpful video... Thank you so much

[@the.emc33]

"I won't be okay until you start behaving differently."

[@ThePortia1983]

I’ve often thought that most of the advice around toxic ppl is unrealistic, self-aggrandizing, and childish itself, assumes if your feelings are hurt then you must be getting gaslit, and basically assumes most conflict is toxic in and of itself. This is not always the case obviously, but I have noticed that the toxic person is in the eye of the beholder-so called healthy behaviors can actually be avoidance, manipulation and abusive itself. Vicious cycle actually.

[@Mahrimae]

Lately it’s made me feel better about a recent breakup to watch those other videos on “toxic people” but i always come back to this one as I’m crawling out of that hole to get back to myself and rededicate to the work on my own issues as an anxious avoidant. Especially before i act on any of that information.

[@lindadunn8787]

Thank you. I use DBT to help me with those suggestions to observe. Been practicing DBT five years. Doing the attachment work is triggering a lot, so having a practice to support behavior change is essential. Your videos are my new curriculum I will be sharing with my psychologist who I only see monthly. Again, thank you for sharing your work. P.S. I am nearly 72 years old and happy to be learning except when I'm not. Grateful for new behaviors.

[@collinmichels7972]

This helps a lot. I feel everything building up to “I just need to sit in my own ugliness and figure this out if I am going to be the person I can be.” Thank you 🙏

[@4everu984]

YES! Ty, ty, ty. This video is 1 to 10,000,000 in they are a narcissist and I’m perfect videos. You got my SUB easy.

[@bschena]

This is the most important video on the internet. Thank you Heidi for doing absolutely incredible work on yourself, and then being vulnerable in sharing your insights in such a relatable, accessible, and kind way with the rest of us out here trying to muddle through and become better humans ourselves.

[@pngproductions8529]

It hit home, when you said stop focusing on how toxic others are and just focus on your own. Thanks for reminder it need to help myself before anyone else

[@dawnofthedelts]

Shame vs. Guilt. That is an important distinction. Thanks for this perspective.❤

[@bettyluvs211]

Heidi, you, are an amazing person! Thank you for taking on topics that are not widely discussed, "unpopular", and addressing them!! You are keeping me responsible for the drama that I create in my life. And then teaching me how I can change ME to be a better person. ❤️👍

[@heidipriebe1]

This comment was so heartwarming to read - I have such a huge appreciation for people who approach life this way, so thank you for being who you are and for being willing to approach yourself + your life in such a head-on and honest way

[@JennnB]

This is one of the best videos on YT. The algorithm popped it up for me today and I can't thank Heidi enough for her channel ❤

[@LavenderHazelwood]

This is a perfect conversation. I think you're right about the conversations around this always pointing fingers. Though, as I've been learning about Narcissism it seems like there are 'disorders' and there are 'tendencies' and most people are treating tendencies like disorders. Thank you. My mother has some narcissistic tendencies and she's done a lot of shitty things. I have a lot of anger about those shitty things along with her lack of taking responsibility for them. I respond in kind to her. I'm not compassionate to her because she just doesn't seem to care when she's hurtful. However, I've recognized that I can be the same way and give myself a pass when it comes to responding to her rudely- and I know I'm doing it when I do. That, in and of itself, is a narcissistic tendency on my part. I'm so much like my mother in many ways which means I have narcissistic tendencies too. I try and remind myself that even if 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree' at least I can look at myself, acknowledge when I'm wrong and apologize and do the work to be a better human.

[@eddieneyman4035]

do you think you hate your mother deep down, and this makes you hate yourself in a way?

[@LavenderHazelwood]

@@eddieneyman4035 Yes, of course. I hate the part of myself that's like her that I don't like.

[@MsPizpi]

Omg…this is my same relationship with my mother 😢. Thank you for sharing. I thought, should I send her this video? 😅😂

[@LavenderHazelwood]

It depends if you think she'll hear it or get defensive. @@MsPizpi

[@greyfox2822]

There arent enough videos that tell peoppe to actually call themselves out. Thank you for this

[@lilnoodz]

thank you for this video. i am so tired of messing up the relationships that matter the most to me. i will do my part, hold myself accountable, and be healthier. i see no other choice. there is no shame in growth!

[@kirtidagautam6786]

Hi Heidi, Among the crazy negativity that erupts from labeling everyone else as toxic and narcissistic, this video is such a clear-headed approach to understanding human behavior, including our own. Thanks a ton for the brilliant work.

[@fb2500]

thank you for bringing nuance into this topic that seems to be everywhere right now !

[@tanya1450]

Thank you for your honesty and for talking about this condition with empathy and understanding rather than blame and condemnation ❤

[@vanimalviya3299]

This video is a friend. I especially liked the one thing Caitlin said that "accepting there is no arrival". PS you look so amazing in this video!

[@alanklm]

This video needs much more views. Tbh i wouldn't expect to ever see something like this. For me youtube was just a bunch of narcissists convincing each other that others are narcissists. The terms these days...

[@johnheart6890]

A person that is toxic will never consider themselves toxic. To consider that you might have hurt someone and to feel pain because you hurt someone- that is called empathy. Toxic people don’t have empathy. Well, they might have it, but only for themselves. Yes, All people misbehave and act selfishly- can you FORGIVE another person for being selfish and misbehaving? Can you forgive yourself, while fully admitting your fault? Can you pick up your cross on your own? Toxic people do exist and they can not do any of the things I mentioned.

[@bjornodin]

I'm into true crime and serial killers in a big way! But as time passed, I learned to examine the psyche involved in a comparative kind of way. I believe that the word "monster" gets thrown around way too liberally! You can learn a lot more by admitting that these people are actually human! And they are almost 100% identical to you! Examining that angle is a lot more rewarding than just judging and avoiding the issue.

[@lilacperspective]

your perspective is so humanizing, kind and overall beautiful. thank you for articulating so such empowering rhetoric.

[@kimberlysanchez5321]

I was told I was toxic as a child and today I am here to watch this video to help. From depths of my soul , thank you Heidi for your work and being you

[@shai2121]

if you were told that you were toxic *as a child,* particularly if it was by an adult who was in charge of caring for you, i would advise questioning that. You may have some toxic behaviors in the present, (probably like all of us in this comments section), but as a child you would have been only responding to your situation in the best way you knew how, and you were not responsible for that situation and could not have reasonably been expected to change your behaviors by yourself at that time. A caretaker should ideally have stepped in to help you cope, but it sounds like instead you might have been unfairly blamed in order to take on someone else's shame. sending love on your healing journey.

[@kimberlysanchez5321]

@@shai2121 thank you for your kind words. Everyone has their story, my story involves death of both parents followed by abusive caretakers and there drug abuse behaviors. I’m working to heal all of it, as I am graciously aging, past my mothers age. It has taken long at 39 yrs to get out of my limerence feelings over it. I’ve taken medication and years of not so good therapy. I found nothing will heal it till I heal that childhood wound. Till I understand all the terms of the bad behaviors and till I can let it go and not speak of it anymore. I watch all types of videos and Heidi is so relatable and sincere about her work. Comments like yours, remind me I am not alone. Sending Love right back to you. Have a awesome day

[@HundredPercentLuck]

The comments seem to lack introspection. Yes, you can act toxic without being aware. No, your toxicity is not excused if someone else "caused" it. I used to be toxic, I probably still am in some ways but putting all the accountability on someone else in itself is toxic.

[@ryanbarker3978]

Great video. It's miserable when intimacy is the thing that triggers you. Fearful avoidance is so difficult to deal with.

[@sebastiendeloumeaux7372]

Focusing on behaviours definetely helps healing because realizing that I act toxic at times help me get off my high horse and stop judging those whose behaviour I find unjustifiable. Indeed, once I get rid of my own toxicity I will be better equipped to see that of others and have the peace of mind to find the best way to deal with it. Thanks so much Heidi. This was an humbling and necessary video to me. 'Hurt people hurt people, healed people heal people.'❤

[@its.caroline8096]

For the past 5 years (so, since i was 12) ive had these cycles of incredibly intense self hatred. Just this week i found the term "toxic shame" and now this video...i feel hope for the first time. I'm going to cry tears of joy and relief. So many connections are being made, and its crazy to hear myself being described so well because i genuinely thought it was only a problem eith me. Everything is starting to make sense. Knowing im not alone is life saving.

[@doctorofart]

With a two week reprieve I was functioning and getting things done I could never seem to do. Upon return, though I was determined to keep all of these balls rolling, I completely shut down. I have watched a half dozen of your videos. I’m not quite sure exactly why, because I’ve been learning of these things for a while, but you keep striking nerve after nerve in just about every aspect. I can’t thank you enough for getting right to it. Most of the folks speaking on narcissism, CPTSD, etc. want $ to receive the secret info. Bless you.

[@SLCKaled]

Hi Heidi! Topic suggestion. Would love a video on techniques to cope with emotions after we disengage from a confrontation. To me I'm able to slip it under the rug during the day but at night I dream about it. And it haunts me My takeaways: When you feel the trigger thought of "this is it, this time is different" instead of flying off the handle use it to disengage. 27:00 need to if you wait for the other person to be ok before you can be ok you will be forever trapped in a death spiral. If you are having a toxic relationship with others, it's because you have a toxic relationship with yourself.

[@heidipriebe1]

This is a great video idea, and one that's very needed. I'll work on making it over the next few months!

[@enidginn8986]

@@heidipriebe1 Have you gotten around to make this video? I so would love to watch it as I'm in quite a state right now, having blown a fuse. Would love some ideas about sorting it out, particularly in a way that doesn't destroy the relationship (friendship). Absolutely love your work and particularly, your honesty. It is so apparent that you are a 'been there, done that and with that comes an authenticity that one doesn't often encounter. Keep up the good work! And a huuuuuuuuuuuge, thank you!

[@joannahzamora]

I wonder how many religious people feel like a shameful person. I've known a ton of Christians and Catholics who although they're wonderful people, they always see themselves as sinful and undeserving and it's heartbreaking. 💔 I hope those people find more videos like your Heidi so they can begin to heal ❤

[@Kmglnj6]

My in laws are born again Christians and they think they are so wonderful 😅

[@joannahzamora]

@@Kmglnj6 they say that anyway 😄

[@etcwhatever]

Everyone sins. Its a fact. Im a catholic and i just fall and get back up. Thats the christian life. You analyze your behaviour, repent to God and make a purpose to improve. The shame part is a misunderstanding of what christianism is but is a common issue. When i feel shame i just calm myself that God knows im flawed but that i make the effort to be the best possible.

[@etcwhatever]

​@@Kmglnj6because born agains think because they accept Jesus as saviour that they already earned paradise and dont need to work on themselves...

[@user-rf6br5eq2g]

I had to walk away from religion, to finally begin my healing. I couldn’t heal while internalizing so much shame

[@karenellis1031]

Trying to learn these lessons. What has helped me is to take a breath before I respond to a triggering situation. I was in a situation this week where the person was angry about something that had nothing to do with me and I started to feel triggered during the conversation we were having and could feel myself getting angry so I opted to end the conversation and said to them that we can revisit this when we are both calmer. It felt so good to do that rather than just react.

[@d_teex09x44]

Paused 2 minutes into the video to say you are bang on about people going straight on about how toxic people are, when the reality is all of us are toxic in some form in different levels. A lot of people (including myself) struggle admitting when we are toxic and I think it's really important to point out that we all can be and that self reflection is important for our own growth.

[@jonwilkinson3886]

You have really done the world a huge service with this one very special video. You're an awesome woman Heidi. 🙏

[@goldmidwest]

I liked her content before. But I love it now. Thanks for another real one, Auntie H. Very validating.

[@akhilapanickar5355]

I'm being so real when I say, I am so happy you're here on yt. Thank you.

[@sefutho]

Self-Introspection 🤔 most people on this planet lack it. If only half of the world's population can have it, this world could be a better place. I love your videos and most of your topics. Stay blessed and thank you 🙏🏽

[@m2pozad]

Not everyone is rehabilitatable. Shamed people, shame people. Damn, this woman is good!

[@mystosplosion]

I love this, Heidi. I used to watch Dr. Ramani’s channel, and although I think she means well, it disturbs me that she has created an echo chamber and a place that breeds confirmation bias and this idea that some people are downright irredeemable. It’s not a healthy perspective. It just promotes fear and division. I do believe there are so-called toxic or dangerous people who will never change, but we don’t have to make that assumption. We can choose to be compassionate to all people while still having boundaries and choosing not to have them in our lives. If we allow ourselves to see the humanity in others, we will be kinder to ourselves. And vice versa. (if you said any of this, apologies, I wrote this before finishing the video)

[@mummyjohn]

I've watched several of your vids and you're one of the best in the space, primarily because of being able to deal with dark topics without getting lost or hopeless but rather making the uncomfortable work of facing one's own darkside occur as an opportunity and as liberation. But this video right here is your grand slam. The title gets folks in the door but then the direction completely changes from self-blame and accusation ("I am the cause of all problems" like so many with omnipresent shame think) to compassion, ACTUAL growth, and opportunity. It's amazing how lacking this is out there, as you aptly identify the blame game is alive and thriving even amongst therapeutic circles and "enlightened" types.

[@user-tq4fm4he8i]

I'm actually practicing 'flying off the handle' more. I'm an expert at 'taking the high road' to the extent that I never stand up for myself. I still don't want to get abusive, manipulative et c, but I don't want to always stay quiet and walk away either.

[@valeriapazmino338]

This video is life chancing, I’ve been feeling so stuck in this mentality and I thought it was just who I am to the point where I thought it’ll be better if I was not here. I now see how I was thinking of the easy way and too lazy to put in work. Thank you :)

[@user-wx1eb7xc6v]

OMG Heidi I have been pushing almost everyone away in my life and you explained eloquently why people do this. I never knew why I was doing this but you told me I have issues with intimacy and abandonment Now I can work on this, Heidi thank u so much for helping me to understand this!❤

[@fearpocalypse8062]

Wow! I needed this video. Thank you so much. I want to grow as a person and this has given me a lot to think about and practice.

[@Vitamin.joe1]

Thank you, beyond the lack of morality, I think manipulations always backfire in the end. I’ll be working on my own toxic behaviors but remember not to beat myself up over mistakes. I want to grow from them, though

[@eax2010EA]

This is one of the few videos which are worth rewatching because there are many ideas in it that are shocking and unbelievable when revealed and also hard to grasp. Nevertheless, thank you for the serious dedication you have provided to this subject, it really shows. You have grown a lot since last time I've seen your videos.

[@patriciaschultz3005]

Thank you. I have apologized often for my behavior and words throughout the years. But I’ve been carrying shame and guilt for years of hurtful dysregulated emotions with triggers from a long history of moderate to bad abuse. And I am changing. But you helped me see from a perspective that I believe will make it easier to let go of the old shame and guilt.

[@ecm9251]

I've been looking for so long for a video that focuses on what to do for myself and I'm so happy to have finally found this! I would never have expected this from the title.

[@destinysdaughter3424]

Thank you so much for this video!!! You’re the first person I’ve known to address this. Normally, the toxic person is simply to be dumped. But some so-called toxic people need help and do want to get better. They are the result of other toxic people after all.

[@jessicaeddins1935]

You are always so on the mark! I can’t begin tell you how helpful your work is.

[@SWTORDREKKIN]

You are such a gem. By far the most authentic person on KZbin. Everything you said is exactly what I was thinking on pointing the fingers.

[@HJOTech]

Heidi, your videos are so incredibly valuable to me and everyone else watching. Thank you so much for making them.

[@nguyetanhnguyen8670]

omfg thank you for this I 100% relate to this so so much. From the googling, to how everyone's pointing fingers, to not know what to do with myself. The world needs your kindness, thank you thank you

[@gracesimpson9959]

YEESSS!!!!! THIS IS SOMETHING THAT HAS FRUSTRATED ME SOOOO MUCH!!! THANK YOUUUU

[@ChickADeeJourney]

This is one of the first videos I’ve ever come across specifically talking about our own “stuff”. I love it because it’s really hard for me to pick apart who the people who harmed me are and their motivations and seems so much more helpful for me to focus on how I can manage my own behavior better.

[@astridprojection]

This is probably the best video ever made on the internet. The way you explain things is so relatable, kind, non-judgemental and enlightening. Thank you!

[@christaschroder9388]

Your passion for your work really comes across, very good. You are walking the talk and this makes the difference.