How a people pleaser is born

[@realhealing7802]

Exactly! I felt so unsafe in my family. Trying to solve adult problems and soothing my mother's emotional needs.

[@nicolegio9173]

Same 😢

[@learnersforlife1111]

So true!!

[@trishthedishluna]

Same

[@evakurl]

And my mother’s friend had the nerve to say “well, your mom needs someone to lean on!” Don’t I also need someone to lean on, especially my own mother?!

[@jclyntoledo]

​@@evakurlI know 😭😭😭 It's like why are you the parent in the relationship when you're literally the child and why can't parents be adults and also get friends or a therapist.

[@ashleyguthrie572]

I grew up like this. I didn't like it, but I never realized it wasn't normal until I was in my 20s and someone explicitly stated to me that it isn't. I thought this was just how families function. Thanks for sharing this.

[@AsianCurls]

That makes sense! It was the same for me. It's not until we're actively outside the house (in the workplace or school or living away from family) and having the choice of what info we're getting fed that we consider different angles of analysis. Living in the same household for 18 years, the same ideas get recycled and it's frown upon to challenge them.

[@jclyntoledo]

Well I'm glad that when someone told you that that wasn't normal you actually accepted it. I tried to explain to my mom that she really shouldn't be telling me things that are actually meant for people in her own peer group like you know friends or therapist and that the relationship that she has with my grandma is too enmeshed. She wouldn't listen and kept saying "I'm her therapist, that's just how our relationship is and you're different so you don't like that" 😭😭(btw that was my mom describing the relationship she has with my grandma).

[@LeiraHdezP]

If u don't mind. Could u share who was looking enough at ur situation that was able to see this & also care enough to say it & help u with it? They probably did positive stuff to u besides just telling u that.

[@Cafeallday222]

Me too. I developed everything she said here but I’ve healed a lot now so I’m not a people pleaser at all, but I still want to help/run when someone acts up because I feel EVERYTHING.

[@faffamable]

Yep. I grew up like this. As a child I learned that there was no space for my needs and that I needed to be independent in every way. My parents always saw me as a "very mature child" for my strive to do everything by myself. Still nowadays I help anybody anyways, but it is hard to trust anybody back. Working on it but it is painful and hard to re-wire.

[@KatieM786]

Well you don't know me.... ...but I know you... ❤❤

[@RaisingVibrations23]

So proud of you for doing the work ❤ Keep going, it gets easier and better~ I love you 🧡

[@29aaronjones]

Wow you described a mindset that feels so familiar. I get value from helping others, but feel so uncomfortable to accept help or even love from others.

[@thenarrator6846]

My mother was like this to me. I have this vivid memory of her becoming self-aware and apologizing but I didn't know better so I kept saying it was fine for her to say those things.

[@beagee3]

I had the same issue but my mother never saw it. She never changed even when I asked her as an adult it she was ever happy.

[@joelthomastr]

Later on those apologies can help a bit because they give you some pre-validation that things weren't OK. At the time? Useless, absolutely useless. If I'm still going to have to defend myself against the same behavior tomorrow, your apology for it today is an incomprehensible waste of breath.

[@jclyntoledo]

​@@joelthomastrExactly! Parents will apologize but if it keeps repeating there's no point since that's just manipulation at that point.

[@SnowWhiteandtheSevenDwarves]

The penguin with headphones...😁

[@webeducation]

Yeah I know, it gets me every time. The penguin's name is Pingy.

[@cinderling5472]

He's so cute!

[@FabulousCucumber-ip9hu]

It's because a bunch of people have voiced their concerns about how traumatized that penguin is, sitting thru all these conversations.

[@Lyrielonwind]

The penguin is a resemblance of the daughter caring and protecting like any people's pleasers doing what they do best: putting everyone else first and guessing other's needs before they speak.

[@SnowWhiteandtheSevenDwarves]

​@@LyrielonwindIt would be better if it was a ghost.

[@ilikeitlikethat7305]

“I have my own emotional needs “ whew! That part! While you’re dumping on me, who’s caring for me? Listening to me?

[@christademarco5602]

I wish I'd had an emotionally intelligent reaction from my mom when I told her to stop using me as a therapist.

[@momo90416]

Same - and it takes A LOT of courage to even speak up to her. Kudos for doing your part in communicating boundaries like a mature adult. 💪👏👏👏

[@ceilconstante640]

People pleasers also grow up in Narscissts families and try to do anything and everything not to upset the Narscissts. It's horrible and completely inappropriate to talk to a child about adult problems!

[@voightkampffchamp]

Society throws around the term "Narscisst" way too much. Its a verry specifc diagnosis.

[@Earl_E_Burd]

@@voightkampffchamp It's one word to summarize what would take paragraphs to describe, just like all the made up labels. There's no blood test for these things, they just help to summarize how a persons unhealed wounds are manifesting.

[@ceilconstante640]

@@voightkampffchamp it's actually recognized by specific traits. Lack of empathy is on the rise.

[@puggirl415]

I@@voightkampffchamp It's also on a spectrum and most of us suffer from it from time to time. I do agree however that people often think that narcissism is just one thing and it is always a personality disorder. Personality disorders are more rare, more toxic and more difficult to treat than the low key narcissim that we sometimes employ when we are immature. I too hate how people weaponize these psychological terms and end up diluting it's meaning and creating stigma.

[@pariahmouse7794]

I think my grandma might have had narcissistic tendencies, she had mellowed with age (and Oxycontin, she had a wretched back with collapsed discs, she was in constant pain) but I know she was something rather formidable to endure for my mom and aunt when they were young, and the way she weaponized my mother's fragility and mental illness was chilling when I look back honestly, I will always love her with everything but she could be very toxic and manipulative, and she played my mother like a co-dependent fiddle... She met a match in me I think, and that's why we were so close- I don't know if that is because I am empathic or because i have misinterpreted everything about myself and I am really a malignant narcissistic, haha- I think I am ADHD, autistic, with C-PTSD, but who the heck knows?

[@abby5791]

Man if this isn't my childhood...

[@evacastillo4510]

No kidding.

[@cheerfulremorse]

Oh look, there's my childhood. Hi mom!

[@coleensteffenpaolucci213]

Such a good channel. Please keep your wisdom coming! 🥰

[@Ayarane]

This is me. My mother has been using me as her sounding board (or, really, a toilet) since I was a child. At first it was about problems at work (likely self-inflicted, in hindsight) but over time she decided it was acceptable to dump very intimate marital details on me. As if my being an adult made it okay to tell me such things. For decades, I had to listen to my mother and stepfather fight, only for mom to come into my room and regurgitate every detail of the argument, taking the same angry tone with me like she did with my stepfather. When I would work up the nerve to ask her to stop, she'd blast me and say I was being childish and sticking my head in the sand. That I was trying to shut my eyes to reality. ...is it wrong to not want to be repeatedly traumatized for things beyond my control? She still dumps her stuff on me. It's gotten much worse since my stepfather passed away. There's no one left to draw even a little bit of the fire. My siblings have distanced themselves (and cut me out in the process) and mom refuses to get any kind of help or cultivate any sort of external support. Once in a blue moon she realizes she might be overloading me, but that awareness fades within minutes and she's back to her usual fare. My doctor and therapist are coming down on me to reduce the stress in my life by trying to get out, but when you're on disability benefits and in a state with a high cost of living, moving out... isn't really a thing that can be done.

[@softtacoqueen]

That is when you need church to help you

[@Macabresque]

i'm so sorry. that sounds like a very abusive relationship to me. there is always a way out, no matter how difficult it may seem. perhaps you can brainstorm with your therapist on how to escape from this abusive situation. no one deserves to live like that forever.

[@nothanks5846]

I am willing to bet that your disability is caused by your mother’s traumatic influence over you; thus, if you eliminate the one, you will no longer have the other, and can live a normal, productive life.

[@s.stevens4520]

My mom would tell me every year that she was going to divorce my dad. I was young…probably starting around 8 years old that I can remember. Could have been earlier. But she also would replay her fights with other adults to me and yell at me as if I were them!! She kept doing it into my adult years. It would cause me so much stress.

[@yuppers1]

I've started spending more time away. It helps me spend some time fixing my own problems away from them. Else I'm too hypervigilent to focus. Working on HeartMath. It's helping

[@ExplosionMare]

My mom would vent to me about her relationship problems a lot, not when I was a kid but as I've gotten older. I'm always happy to help but when I tell her that her relationship is unhealthy, she doesn't listen and doesn't want to end that relationship even though it's bad for her. I can also heavily relate to being a people pleaser, I hated it so much and it caused me so much anxiety. I just had to teach myself not to worry about people to such a high degree all the time.

[@rookie8052]

I grew up like this - then in later years my mom started constantly accusing me of judging her, as if she didn’t invite my judgement by constantly complaining to me / telling me nasty things about my father. Crazy how much of yourself you can trace back to how your parents treated you.

[@shalenawhite]

I know. it's upsetting. I want to be free from my past, but it's shaped who I am.

[@michelep8099]

😧 that’s my whole life as a child

[@Lighttanguitar]

A people-pleaser can also be born by NEVER fighting or even disagreeing in front of your children so that they come to equate love and acceptance with being non-confrontational. In conjunction with that, never shed a tear in front of your kids or voice your need for help so that they’ll learn to not be a burden others. Finally, only praise your children when they do something impressive like make good grades or excel at a talent, and never talk about their inherent worth as a human being, so that they’ll always be striving for the next compliment to assure themselves that they’re worthy of the acceptance and love they crave but are never certain is genuine since, deep down, we all know real love can’t be earned.

[@AenonBourne]

Always waiting for the other shoe to drop

[@yannikkissa9419]

Yeah, there is no such saying in my mother tongue, but it's so on point.

[@Sarah-ic4yu]

Can you do some videos on how the way a parent talks about themselves (i.e. I’m worthless, I’m fat, I’m ugly, etc.) might affect a child’s view of his/herself as an adult?

[@melomaniac11]

Your videos make me wonder if you've met my entire extended family 😂

[@maddystarr4626]

I remember being in grade school, 8 or 9 yrs old, and my (divorced) mother literally asked me if my dad & her boyfriend (now my step dad, great man, patient as a saint) were both drowning in the ocean, who would I save. Unbelievable.

[@tonyp8159]

The "I haven't really thought about it" always blows my mind.

[@EtherTheReal]

Those faces at the end always get me😂

[@cinderling5472]

Same hihihi

[@joeschmo1516]

That's me. Thanks mom and dad.

[@kiwi_rainbows]

My parents did this to me... among other things. So glad I'm not in contact with them anymore. I can truly heal without them!

[@pariahmouse7794]

I stayed up petrified my mother would overdose again. One of my very first clear memories was of her being loaded into an ambulance while I watched from my grandma's house across the road. She did that almost weekly when I was little, if she wasn't in inpatient psych treatment. At 21, a year to the DAY I moved away from home, she finally got the job done. Now I lie awake wondering if I had just called her back that night, would she still be here? She's gone, and she still rules my emotional life. I have forgiven her, and I UNDERSTAND it now, but it doesn't mean it has any less grip on me, and probably always will. And I am a DESPERATE people pleaser, haha... Working on it, though...

[@shonnyogunfiditimi7694]

❤❤❤❤ Things are always working out for you. Hope you find love and peace in your journey. ❤❤❤❤

[@RoseDances]

Story of my life.

[@alphadog3384]

This is absolutely on point of communication. Such a clear description of boundaries, emotional regulation, maturity, or immaturity, l could go on...thanks for sharing.

[@dovie2blue]

This is called triangulation. Only it's more malignant when it's a parent to a child.

[@seachel24]

Gee - seems generation after generation has its own baggage, strengths, learnings and a mixture (+/-) passed on to the next generation... awareness is the start of change - Thank you 💕

[@MsJoyce31202]

Yes.

[@imjacobthornton]

oof hits too close to home lol. but very needed in order to become self aware. thank you!

[@AmadaHabla]

Did you scan my entire childhood to encapsulate it right here?

[@angelagreen7388]

This speaks to me. Explains allot about my family, who never considered what they said in my presence growing up.

[@MonserratFoster]

Oh, so this is what happened to me

[@mrstoner2udude799]

That was my reality exactly. I became a stand in spouse for my mother. Oh jeeze honey...lol

[@cazjay017]

Very relatable 😔

[@karatecat46]

I grew up like this and felt unsafe too. Now I feel the urge to take responsibility for other people a lot of times. I needed that to help my mother and to regulate my feelings of helplessness and insecurity. Now I have to unlearn that pattern, So I don't overstep boundaries of others and to stay by myself. Like in biblical terms I did not care for my 'vineyard' much but for rhe vineyard of others. So my stuff was chaotic and not cared of leading me to depression, cause I spend all energy in my work in the health care system, church and family. Now I have to learn to look for my stuff and then others. Much work to do. But progress is seen also❤. I learn Selfcare 😊

[@amberscottcmt7400]

Her facial reaction at the end. Always love that part.

[@snixw125]

Not only did my mom use me as a therapist for every reason, she also gave me alcohol when i was young so she didn't have to drink alone. We were drinking and smoking bud together by the time i was 15yo.

[@kirarasmom4274]

That's how I born a people pleaser. My Dad was a truck driver, and my mom could not understand why he had to be gone a lot. Both fought about my surgeries and the bills it caused. At age six, I wanted to unlife myself. I tried to make them happy by giving up my own desires. Both destroyed me by their self ways. I am 42 years old, and still rebuilding myself after several years undoing their trauma they caused me. I am glad souls go through a guilt and shame ( self h e l l ) , after dying. Because they can feel the pain they have caused, then learn from it. I tried to teach them it was ok to express feelings. It failed.

[@LuvnLemons]

One day my husband gave me the “aha” moment I needed to start enforcing boundaries without guilt. He said “I notice your mother gets really mean if she’s not getting one of two things from you: she either wants you to entertain her or she wants to take an emotional dump on you. There’s not much in between.” Once he said it - it all became clear. It was a long journey after that.

[@kayw4bros]

Hit the nail on the head there 😅

[@brendaliz.arteaga]

Me 😢😅

[@CookingCrossing]

So true. "Your problem is my problem"

[@texaslovelylady]

My parents did and still do this only I get angry and react to their Narcissistic junk but at least I am trying to put up boundaries.

[@juancena1259]

I feel so bad even when my kids see me cry, which i try so hard to keep to myself. My 1 year old comes to give me hug after hug and i thank her and tell her I'm supposed to be the one comforting her! She's so sweet but i don't want to make a habit of it, for her sake. i would never tell them my adult problems. They need to be kids and worry about kid stuff.

[@TheDavveponken]

I forgot about this

[@caitlindavid1661]

Hypothetically, if a child wants their parents to divorce, do they want the fighting to end or is there something else going on? Asking for a friend😢

[@puggirl415]

I can't answer that precisely but when my Mom and Dad told us kids they were getting a divorce when I was 10 I was relieved. Too bad after my Mom stopped being a victim for my Dad she took out all her frustrations and disappointments on me her #1 Scapegoat. I love how these videos validate my experience.

[@karu4115]

I grew up like this, now when people I care about come to me to complain I get very anxious and avoidant

[@returnoftheromans6726]

I'm this way. A major people-pleaser, and somehow always resent it when certain people "have" to help me with certain things. It makes me feel weak.

[@sam-ey7qk]

Oh okay. I've never thought about this before and now im crying.

[@shirleykeeldar9662]

My Mum, bless her, tried to keep her problems from us, but I would always get frustrated and pester her to tell me, because I knew something was wrong, and I couldn't relax until I knew what it was. Made myself a people pleaser because I was too nosy!

[@user-gn4pl2ib8b]

Another mirror. Thank you! ❤

[@jemnjules]

I really love your videos. They are teaching me to be a better parent. 😢Thank you 🙏

[@skeetsteinbriener]

Why did you just describe my entire childhood 😔

[@jirafiux]

This is how I grew up!! plus everytime I did something either of my parents didn´t like they told me I was like the other one (you´re just like your mother/father!)

[@EES1994]

I feel for my mum, because i know her relationship with her mum and dad was toxic growing up. So i never blame her for anything, as she was a product of her upbringing, and didnt know any better when parenting me. Shes apologised in depth a few times for how i was treated. She dont want the past to repeat itself, so she tries more than her mum did. My nan grew up in a toxic environment too, and grew up hard as nails and very independent. All i can do is make sure i dont repeat the cycle when i have kids (if i do).

[@charliedeegan1598]

Oof. This one was super painful. My mom thought we were "always there for each other" but in reality I was listening to moms drunk ramblings about a broken marriage. Still unlearning all this toxic bs.

[@Most0riginalUsername]

My parents used to tell me they were gonna divorce as a joke and then laugh at my face when i got upset

[@smileyface-hx3gh]

You just portrayed my childhood. Thanks for making sense of all the bs I went through❤

[@Dd94949]

The extent to which a parent must be deeply wounded and lonely to put their relational problems on a child is frightening and sad. My therapist recently told me she's pretty sure a highly skilled therapist couldn't have helped my parents, let alone me, as a child.

[@jakeherter]

Every episode of Dr Phil

[@kaylamoose6531]

Thank you for this❤

[@lilypadjane]

I know it's completely unrelated but I love that top so damned much

[@avantikashetty5829]

Now i understand why i grew up as a people pleaser, can u also upload how we can cease to be one without getting scared how relatives will perceive the change in us as? There is a constant fear that they will misunderstand

[@Mstyictraveler1312]

Your videos are so good stuff makes sense ❤

[@SnowWhiteandtheSevenDwarves]

Actually I never had one stuffed animal. Or a baby doll. (Let alone a large cute one like that.)

[@shalenawhite]

perhaps now you can

[@katechristy6842]

I love your content so much!!!

[@ladytalksalot4097]

LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!!!

[@DA-ck9ug]

My parents would have wicked thrown down fights, followed by 2 weeks of silent treatment and then when they started to warm up to each other they’d joke with me and ask who I would go live with if they got a divorce. 😔 This happened on repeat since as far back as I can remember.

[@geordieghoulette7142]

This was my childhood 🫠

[@seachel24]

Love your clips. Thank you both very much !! the simple articulation of perspectives from the relationship dynamic is brilliant 🏆🫶🥰

[@Bethany1315]

Well, that explains a lot...

[@pennywhistle9060]

Absolutely true.

[@brettroethler749]

Nailed it sadly enough🙏

[@ruthnolan13]

my childhood to a capital T.

[@learnersforlife1111]

So on point!!

[@sk8razer]

There's been a lot of emphasis on not speaking negatively about the other parent *after* a divorce. Which is good, but it's also really important not to do it while you're still together. For the reason described in this short. But also because parental alienation can happen when the parents are still in a relationship. And parental alienation doesn't have to be this super deliberate act where the parent is thinking "I'm gonna turn my kids against their other parent". In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's rarely, if ever, a conscious choice to *that* level.

[@OneLovefromOregon]

This was my childhood

[@juliahut]

The worst part is, as a kid I felt so proud that I was entrusted with adult level problems, like I was so mature that my mom could lean on me. But. I don’t think that was good for my development, like emotionally. This video reminded me of those times

[@KS-yx7ho]

Ha! People pleaser here. So true!

[@webeducation]

Pingy the penguin listening to the soundtrack Frozen 😂

[@marca7434]

Again, another well-made "This was your life" video. I'm still working on eradicating my 'people-pleaser' symptoms. 🎵

[@karatecat46]

Sad truth.😢

[@robot7759]

How a people pleaser is made...

[@Veronica-kw2vj]

My parents were like this, my mom would tell me about emotional and SA abuse then tell me weeks later it wasn't like that. I wanted them to get divorced because I felt unsafe and they wouldn't be near each other.

[@Robert-ri7mt]

THIS IS MY LIFE.

[@easterfortoday712]

Now I understand me..damnit

[@ryancharlston5712]

Amen

[@LaceR.Griffin]

I was 12 when this exact behavior started.

[@debbiehopper5288]

Yes....exactly.

[@scootergirl3662]

A people pleaser or an instigator born I swear. I have been both. I was a people pleaser young in my life. I got screwed over too many times despite all my best efforts to fawn over people and give them everything they want Now I’m having the opposite problem where sometimes I just will not be nice. As usual for situations when you are dealing with someone that you just need to leave your life - I also on the unnecessarily escalate situations sometimes I’m trying to get better in the moment of figuring out which one it is

[@lucydong3270]

😂😅❤ very funny and too true

[@strawberrysangria1474]

Hypervigilant is right. I'm still learning that my parents problems shouldn't have been mine to deal with. Asking for help is difficult when you believe that you are 'Help'.

[@ktbiwk]

APPPLAUSEEEEE 👏 ❤

[@ChrisTina-qb6kl]

I always said to my sister, it's like we are the adults and they are the kids 🙄 there's nothing more to say about that. We bagged them to get a divorce instead of fighting every day and pulling us into there marriage problems. It's been hell on earth. There was no ear, no minute, for our problems as kids. I raised myself and had to comfort and deal with the problems of my parents on top

[@jeanag3279]

This is my story. I've been working to overcome it for years.

[@shalenawhite]

what's a different story we can tell ourselves?

[@lanacaine3455]

In adult life ... I still remind myself that my parents' relationship or respective emotions, are NOT my responsibility, still...

[@bw4091]

so accurate 🤯

[@Kellie_55]

He never spends time with "US" ... that's a rabbit hole in itself 😮

[@shadowandashes]

Wow, and all this time I’ve been thinking my family did this because they thought I was a good listener. I guess not.