How A Secure Person Reacts When Their Dismissive Avoidant Partner Pulls Away | Attachment Styles

7-Day Free Trial: university.per...
In this video I go over what a healthy response to the dismissive avoidant's deactivating strategies looks like.
---
Want to learn more about attachment styles and even find out what your attachment style is? Check out our playlist here - • Do You Have Traits Fro...
Never miss a life changing lesson from Thais Gibson and the Personal Development School by hitting the subscribe button here - / @thepersonaldevelopmen...
Join PDS for free with our 7-day free trial
university.per...
Public Facebook group:
/ 461389461257253
If you want to listen in, check out Thais' podcast here:
pod.link/14785...
Do you know what your Attachment Style is? Take my quiz to find out now, and begin healing your relationships! Click here: attachment.per...
I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
---
#Relationships #SecureAttachment #FearfulAvoidant #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #PDS #ThaisGibson #AttachmentStyles #Love #Dating #Romance
---

[@dianaortiz1150]

I’m securely attached dated a DA man. I was okay with him pulling back, needing his space and not committing. Then it got to the point where I hardly saw him. The relationship was on his terms and any conflict he would run. I told him we could never resolve issues if he kept doing this. I never knew when I would see him next. Finally I told him I think he needed his freedom and the relationship was over. He tried to fight it , said we were in a loving committed relationship. Nope. I was adamant that it was over. He wrote me a nasty text the next day telling me he did everything in the relationship and went above and beyond for me. Also I had an attitude and I thought I was a princess. I said yes, okay, good luck. That was Three months ago and I moved on.

[@akuasalaam490]

I never knew when I would see him next... WOW, that statement is so significant to me. I experienced this with the DA I dated for sometime.

[@Lolipop8686]

I can relate... I was the one doing all the logistics so see each other (feel like If I didn't, I never knew when we were going to see ache other as you say.. could be days, weeks, months).. So I had to ended fue to this lack of reciprocity (and dismissive comments which were starting to have an impact on my self esteem)..it felt just not worth it. It really hurt though and I am still healing

[@HarryStyles_01]

It's weird how same thing happened to me. I also got similar messages.

[@LeeChrissy]

Lol I love how he thinks he went above and beyond. It sounds like you gave him everything HE needed while he gave you the bare minimum. My DA was like this the first year we dated. Everything was on his terms. I would keep my weekends completely open for him and wait until he told me what works for him. It's nothing like that anymore. He waits until the last minute to ask me sometimes, but he will tell me pick any days I want. I also don't purposely keep my weekends open for him anymore. If I'm busy, then I'll suggest a dinner another night and he accepts. It took 3 years of me walking away before we got here though. I'm an FA who swings both AP and DA so I know my unpredictable ways aren't easy either. If there wasn't so much love there I don't think either of us would be putting in so much effort.

[@jip230]

I'm a DA female and bravo for standing up for yourself and calling him out for inappropriate behavior. It's funny how he perceived the relationship on completely different terms and didn't pick up how his sporadic interest didn't really solidify the relationship

[@wendydaniel1110]

I am a secure person . I don't feel the need to hang around people who will try and drain my energy. I am not anyone's therapist, love em or not. We all have choices to heal our wounds. I will never sacrifice myself to be with someone... I love being alone. When you're with a D A you're alone anyways.

[@lakelliabutler504]

Im dating a dismissive partner and I honestly focus more on myself than them. I continue to pour love and healthy space as long as it doesnt drain me. I understand that I can not control them. My spirit is strong and I believe love will find me through them or a new person. I will continue to live my life and do what makes me happy, include them as much as they are willing to open up to..never more never less. I encourage everyone to turn your focus inward. You bring more bees with honey than vinegar..meaning radiate with love and love will find you

[@ishaagrawal878]

Perfect response to DA and life as well 👏👏👏

[@HowardDee]

Very well put and great mindset!

[@annie456_45]

In the same boat 💯 agree

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Dead yet? 😂😂😂

[@sarahoshea404]

This is a great mindset and many times, I enjoyed the freedom of dating a DA! Ultimately it wasn’t a good fit (it was heartbreaking, actually) and I hope he finds happiness with someone else.

[@hmanfilms]

Being a secure attachment is great. It takes a LOT of work. Experimenting with relationships, working extensively in therapy, reading and education, rinsing and repeating. When you run into a DA and they pull away after things seem promising, it always hurts. But when you’re secure, you understand it has NOTHING to do with you and your worth. You set your boundaries, communicate you value yourself, and you move on. There is plenty of fish in the sea, the bus comes every 15 minutes, and someone out their will be lucky to receive your love. Stick to your journey, continue growing and learning, and remember, love is patience and kind. Give that to yourself :). Blessings to all ❤️

[@mexicanfoodjunkie8857]

LOVE this!

[@beatsg]

❤

[@warmhart2034]

Harrison Frost, so true!!! But even Secures hurt when they move on from an Avoidant🥺

[@JupiterWaltz]

@@warmhart2034 Indeed. We sadly are not robots that have no emotions. We still feel that pain.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Yup who wants to stay with a todler. You can not have a mature intimate relation with them. No tantrums and booboo. Eternal Victim is boring😂

[@Kevdo92]

So... How secures deal with DAs is... they don't? Lol 😂🙏

[@Kevdo92]

@@hashtagspandas4070 Haha, I was being facetious! I just find it amusing because of what I read in the comments of so many of these kinds of videos. It does reinforce my own belief though, that the DA must do this on their own. No one else can help them any more than they can help themselves.

[@nefelibata4190]

What I expected

[@nathalie5238]

They avoid avoidants 🤣 simple

[@NightOfCrystals]

@@TQT240295 I’m starting to think I’m in that exact situation

[@preciousgoje2193]

we really don't....ahahhaha

[@lbentley]

Dang, that is so accurate. I’m securely attached and whenever anyone has ever done me wrong or even if someone says something that could be offensive, I immediately think it has nothing to do with me and do not take it personal at all. The first thing I think is, they must have something they’re dealing with. And so I won’t react negatively to just make it worse for them, with whatever they’re going through. But instead, I won’t put myself around you to be treated like that anymore. So boundaries. Lol people only treat you how you allow them to treat you. And that doesn’t mean “putting them in their place”, it means setting boundaries and don’t deal with them anymore if they can’t respect you or if they hurt you 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@ann-louisegustavsson5008]

@Lauren Would you allow an apology and try again if there was responsibly taken?

[@robinschaugg9047]

@@ann-louisegustavsson5008 Yeah, sure. But only as long as the apology feels sincere and there is some real effort shown to do better. Someone displaying a fake apology just to keep on hurting you will be quickly cut out.

[@randiwin6034]

Ya I feel the same but I am Between SA and AP. I will not keep anyone around who doesn’t treat me w kindness and respect.

[@ipp1153]

In my opinion SA is an objective term. Security in a relationship is viewed differently depending your attachment type. I believe there are two attachment types really : Anxious and avoidant. If you are an emotional person who loves hard and you are feeling secure and self aware you can become anxious when you date an avoidant you love and don't want to lose

[@lozzielou]

@@ipp1153Yes, I can be secure but with certain people I get anxious. After the last one I feel like I’m now avoidant.

[@northshorelight35]

I'm securely attached. I normally give people the benefit of the doubt but I also have boundaries. I will always choose my peace first.

[@eugenenegrii5397]

I've dated DAs my entire life...endless array of trauma bonds and painful endings. Did a ton of inner work, essentially broke generational trauma...and now strangely (or not)...I find DA behaviour unappealing and repulsive. The moment I notice it...way easier to have a conversation around it and state my needs. Also super easy to walk away.

[@jasminerosewater3891]

proud of you, that takes a lot of mindset work and awareness

[@jeffreyrusselljr7713]

I've been married to one for 22 years, it's not easy but I love her deeply

[@jasminerosewater3891]

@@jeffreyrusselljr7713 I'm interesting in hearing how you two have been able to make it work. My best friend and dream man is a classic avoidant and I still want to try to be with him. Encouraging to hear that people last together.

[@jeffreyrusselljr7713]

@jasminerosewater3891 first thing I did was learn about the dismissive and sympathized. I also accepted her the way she is and learned how not to take it personal when she needs space. I learned her love language and once I started showing her love in her love language and learned how to ask for my needs in a way that didn't make her feel attacked she started ever so slowly reciprocating in my love language. It takes alot of work and ALOT of patience and understanding. But I love her MORE then myself so I was willing to do what it took.

[@jasminerosewater3891]

@@jeffreyrusselljr7713 that's so beautiful. she must be a great woman, and you a great man

[@Dragonfly_magictarot]

You validated that I am a secure person, who does not have time for a dynamic that is unfulfilling and that I should not be guilt tripped for wanting what I want. My time is valuable, I am valuable and if the other person is unavailable; I am ok with that... Just don’t play with me cause that’s just not human.

[@MeganSummer]

Amen.

[@Skalli10]

I've had several relationships over the years. And when it was time, I ended it. Until I met a DA which I truly loved. You're right, to stay healthy and respect yourself, you should leave sooner than later. I always thought "maybe I left the others too early" when they clearly had their own issues which they didn't wand to deal with. But dating a DA over 8 months and not getting into a serious relationship (commitment) just drained me so now I need some time to rest. Atleast I know what I was dealing with and know what to avoid in the future.

[@BrittanyPoet]

👏🏽👏🏽❤️

[@bellabong8862]

@Anthony Timmers Thanks, Anthony, for sharing that. I loved how simply you explained how a securely attached person's takeaway from a less-than-optimum experience is to view it as an opportunity to learn and improve, rather than viewing it as further confirmation of a distorted negative belief about themselves formed out of past trauma. I found your comment extremely helpful.

[@pvtruestmusic]

I’m going thru this now...

[@mjw1111]

If they don't like something they don't personalize. They clearly and directly describe what getting their needs met look like. If a secure person communicates their needs and they don't get met... they walk away. They don't stay in painful relationships.

[@jhanjones]

Wow that’s growth thw first thing I think of Is how do I get even

[@Skalli10]

It's funny how a dismissive avoidant "attachment style" is not called a disorder. This needs treatment, let's be serious. Because a partner shouldn't have to act as the therapist, it's just draining for the secure partner if you love the DA and would like to stay. But there's no way if you want to stay healthy yourself.

[@Miriam-ul4ke]

It's a cluster C personality disorders. X

[@evaollie9208]

Agree!!!!

[@asiminakaramixou9191]

@@Miriam-ul4ke what about when he's very social with everyone else except with his relationship? With me he had all the traits of a DA. Furthermore i was the only long term relationship he ever been with.(10 years).

[@Miriam-ul4ke]

@@asiminakaramixou9191 he's an extroverted DA the same principles apply, he will be extraverted with everyone else as they don't threaten his safety the way you do, because he's intimate with you not them. X

[@asiminakaramixou9191]

@@Miriam-ul4ke thank you so much for your reply. I must really have to love myself because this relationship caused me mental health problems mostly about my self worth.

[@jjames2162]

Yes but one thing here is forgotten: when you attempt to engage a DA and they are withdrawing or withholding, there is no chance regardless of communication style and approach will allow space for connection or intimacy. So while you as a securely attached try and offer the opportunity to connect, a DA will not reciprocate if they are already immersing in withdrawal. It may not be because of your relationship. DAs compartmentalize everything as a form of coping and mistakenly think that isolation is a form of security. The most courageous thing a partner can do is be vulnerable. Walk away from a DA if you the relationship is not serving you

[@reneenordeen9447]

If someone pulls away, LET THEM. Life is not a game, wish them well and be on your way. If you cant be respectful? Adios, amigo.

[@MeganSummer]

Amen. Unfortunately, so much easier said than done in practice sometimes.

[@karinafort2547]

I concur

[@becky15707]

“Adios amigo “😂😂😂😂💀

[@jlgotera1]

call them out.. tell them how you feel and say "you know where to find me when you want to start valuing me", and say ciao!!!!

[@lisawentworth6831]

@@jlgotera1 So, it's OK to call then out on this? All my walking on eggshells and still being kind, thoughtful and available is killing me

[@emiliabergamasco9734]

As a secure individual, having a relationship with a DA for the first time is a learning experience that is very informative and destructive. It blind sided me and as an empathetic person tried to give it time and space. If your DA partner is not willing and open to personal therapy and looking at him or herself as a large part of the problem in relationships, don’t keep trying to build or fix a relationship with this person. Your life will never feel rich and rewarding and you will feel stripped of self esteem and exhausted. Take what you have learned and find another secure partner.

[@jazmineramay4292]

Just remember that a DA can become secure if they are willing to put in the work.

[@marcd2743]

@@jazmineramay4292 Most aren't willing to because that would mean they would have to admit that there is something wrong with them. A DA is always right and all of their behavior is for the greater good.

[@michaelr3025]

@@marcd2743 We all have something wrong in us. 🤗 DA's are no more wrong than e.g. me as an AP, they just have different s##t to deal with and overcome. If you are grown up secure, wonderful and congrats to you. If you are an earnt secure, kudos to you for all the hard yards you've put on yourself (I'm following on your footsteps). DA's have the same capability to heal than you and me, it just might be really painful. Because they have been conditioned to suppress their pain, it probably is a huge leap of faith for them to start the journey. But if they can muster the courage, beautiful things can happen in their life.

[@marcd2743]

@@michaelr3025 I agree with everything you said, but I just hope you aren't saying it so you can square in your mind sticking with a DA, especially as an AP. I would say that the unaware and triggered DA, is a particularly toxic little creature.

[@MsSemera]

Bingo. Perfectly stated @ Emilia. 🙂

[@Micro_Learning]

I'm a securely attached person who has recently dealt with an avoidant. He frustrated me, but I think it's a lot easier to handle as a secure person than an anxious one. I was anxious years ago (pre-2014) and often fell into panics, anxiety, begging/pleading when breakups occurred. Now I still get upset, but I have emotional control and just let them go. I still talk to friends and analyze in my head a lot about what I went through, but I'm able to let the person go pretty easily and just live my life, which I've built up over the years to be very self-sufficient and with pretty high self-esteem.

[@seidenschnabelfederflugel5441]

How did you get to this point? What helped you? Because i have an anxious attachment style and its so hard and uncomfortable.

[@sushisam3010]

​@@seidenschnabelfederflugel5441You need to build an interesting life for yourself.

[@khisakaguangai9452]

I am a secure attachment style but keep finding myself with either dismissive/anxious avoidant. I had to end a relationship a week ago with a dismissive avoidant then I stumbled upon your channel so hopefully my next relationship will also be with a secure partner. These others are like working on a project instead of working with a partner.

[@helenwilhelmina536]

100% agree!! It's super exhausting :/

[@alexandramaria7754]

@Khisa That is normal because dismissive avoidants don't sustain relationships too long, so the chances to find and date one are super high! Look after the red flags, because they are masters to present themselves as self-confident individuals.

[@twovthree]

Maybe it's time to start asking from early on, "So, what's your attachment styles?" :)

[@4everu984]

Highly recommending- Watch on KZbin: psychology in Seattle, therapist watches 90 day fiancé and analyzes for his therapist students. Fascinating!

[@amygee778]

It is exhausting. I attract all the men with the childhood issues and this last one can’t communicate so he goes into ostrich mode when things get stressful. I stopped caring and just go about my life. He drains my energy it’s too exhausting.

[@majickmeg]

Just don’t date one unless they’re aware and workin on their attachment style…. It’s literally a roller coaster with a DA. Right when you start to get closer and whatnot, they pull the rug out… every time.

[@marcd2743]

Completely right, just leave them be and let them live in their mentally chaotic world.

[@youngloenoe]

I believe there is a lot of messages out there that you have to attempt communication or that you have to bridge gaps with individuals and that can be a trap. DAs are only interested when things are on their terms. That's why it is difficult to work with them. Even if you are secure, you will find yourself getting frustrated and getting anxious because the relating part of the relationship cannot be attained when someone is actively avoiding or dismissing you. The smart path is to no longer put any energy in communication with this individual. It is quite easy to fall into the push and pull dynamic if you are unaware of it.

[@00008327]

Yes...I experienced this myself...they want to be in control...has to be on their terms or they bail.

[@jokai.oficial]

@@evie9239 holy fuck! that is harsh! damn! Right in them feels!

[@Miriam-ul4ke]

@@PriyankaGupta-ew1li that's not true darling, I'm secure my daughter is a DA and I was AA previously I have 0 Percent dismissive in me, I smothered her and she loves calling me clingy, she says mummy why do you tell me 20 times a day how much you love me, I said because I never heard it from my mum once and I never want you to feel that way. She thinks it's clingy and needy, it's not always abuse babe. X

[@ginsu_pd]

I lost my sanity. Fell depressed and ill from anxiety cramps too and feel deep hatred towards him and then appreciating him then hating myself. Legit like swinging looney. Ah. I'm starting therapy soon so I can go back to feeling normal. This experience triggered me badly

[@marcd2743]

@@evie9239 "They screamed and called me a controlling narcissist!" This goes beyond being a DA I think, that person sounds like a complete head case.

[@alexisb.8965]

I have been working very hard over the last several years to "reprogram" my anxious attachment style and feel that I am primarily secure these days...but man did dating an avoidant really throw me back into some of my old patterns. In some ways I guess its good because I know I have more work to do and I can keep healing myself and not putting myself through the BS of being with someone who wasn't aware of his own issues.

[@TanzaniteHayley]

I’m a secure, I’ll tell you what we do. We give them more understanding and more chances to grow and develop. Depending on the level of DA, the DA themselves will pull away to a point where there is nothing left - because secures have boundaries and they don’t like boundaries!

[@erxfav3197]

Hi! MsJones could you PLEASE explain more of what you mean here? I’m trying to learn so bad... what did you mean by “they will pull away to a point where there is nothing left”? And what kind of boundaries are you talking about?

[@erxfav3197]

How long would you stay in a dynamic without commitment?

[@erxfav3197]

Also how do you know you’re secure?

[@jlgotera1]

I totally agree. Take yourself away from taking it personally because the DA will be reactive to support, like a deer in headlights or defensive. You see that, you will know that it is a foreign language to them, leave them be but when you see something informative whether an article and such, the DA will appreciate it and distance is a must. They have to learn to value your presence on their own. If they don’t appreciate it, hey it is what it is, karma baby.

[@erxfav3197]

@@jlgotera1 could you elaborate on that more? Reactive to support?

[@mailill]

Summary: They don't take it personally, they are clear about their needs when something problematic happens several times, and they walk away if they understand their needs will not be met.

[@kathyclaudiochandler]

I feel like through the years of recent therapy, I do conduct myself from a secure standpoint. However, I was recently in a quick “honeymoon phase” relationship with a DA (had to be) and he threw me for a loop and hurt me very quickly. I expressed my needs and set boundaries to which he disregarded so I wished him the best and cut off contact. While I know it was more about him, and I conducted myself as Securly as possible, the fearful avoidant in me had a private cry fest and all my childhood insecurities came front and center. No one would ever know, and months later, he still reaches out to try to engage me in conversation but I won’t. The one thing I have not seen is a video explaining the newly secure person still having lingering anxious thoughts in their mind that they try to process and let go of.

[@UnexpectedAmy]

Thanks for sharing this! I recently had something similar. Real good 6+ months, no issues, then starts backing off, being weird. I set sensible boundaries, state my needs, remind him there's no obligation, it's all good. Ghosts. Even when it's laid on a plate. Moving from insecure to secure, it still hurts and brings stuff up, but it's the healthy decision and I could the sadness as authentic feeling, learning, and healing. Wishing you peace!

[@Medietos]

Does conducting oneself in a secure way really entail being securely attached, or rather on your healing journey towards it? It's great you are healing, but it is concerning when epople prematurely call thewmselves healed, whicg´h is not right, can deceive others and gives real healing state a bad name of being fake. Being really healed takes a lot, transformation and deep maturation, individualtion and living in one's God-self, true self. I do hope we find someone who is also working with themselves so there is some level of fairness in the exchange. May I ask what sun-sign he was? Because f ex Gemini has difficulties with being in touch with their feelings and pull away at difficulties , being sanguine, light witha very active nervous system and needing peace. Also independent etc. Attachment theory is not enough to explain the human being and his complexity - and purpose,potential. I am glad you got help by a therapist, I have been seeking for decades and often abused instead 8Have Aspergers and C-PTSD and HSP and FA) All the best onwards!

[@samhayek_]

That’s where I’m at right now… Rough times

[@roxanakh2094]

Being a secure person doesn't mean that you are not going to become sad when they pull away; it doesn't mean that you won't grieve if it ends. It doesn't mean that you won't reflect on the relationship to think about what you could have done better or differently and accept responsibility for your share of mistakes. However, I don't hate him; I feel empathy towards him. I don't think my value is less, I don't think I won't ever find anybody else. But I grieve for having no option but to leave someone I love. His personality was interesting and he had a character that I cherished. We could have had something really beautiful. I was forced out of the relationship as he hid in his fortress and kept all the doors closed. If he was willing to break the wall from the inside, I would have helped him to remove the wall from the outside.

[@Misslove-ol1nq]

100% triggers the fear of abandonment in me. I don't feel responsible for their behavior, but I do end up ruminating on it. After years of sticking to myself, staying single, and learning a lot about attachment trauma I thought that I was ready to date again. The fact that I realized what was happening at the 1 month mark of a new relationship shows progress, but the way that it's made me feel is a definite indication that I still have significant work to do. :/ Also... Parents: Please put this information to work for your kids/ teens/ adult children as well-- before they face a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships. I have two teenagers, and it's clear that their father and I created insecure attachments in each of them as well.

[@Kinteresting]

YES re your message to parents. Attachment styles impact EVERYTHING not just love or romantic relationships. It impacts our mental health, friendships, work life, success, earning power, self love confidence health etc.

[@joei3943]

If you are a decent person and treat others with respect and love and truly care about others, you will get burned by an avoidant, period. Don’t change you because you are wonderful and exactly what makes the world a better place. Simply let go and replace the avoidant with a better person. DON’T put up with their BS because they are some of the most self centered, soul sucking people on the face of this earth. They will NEVER change and you will waste years of your life trying to help them. You are a supply to them.

[@el-syd1981]

Thank you for such a heartfelt comment. I will not stop being a good person because I was burned by a man child.

[@ginsu_pd]

Bruh you even lose your sanity

[@marcd2743]

Yeah, that's one of the tough ones with them. You are nothing more than a resource. When whatever that resource is, becomes tapped, it's time for them to close up shop and monkey branch to one or more of their many orbiters.

[@flagirl0315]

It’s true we cant change people. I think a lot of people fall into the trap that it’ll be different with them bc they will be chosen when it’s never the case

[@JupiterWaltz]

I dated an avoidant for 4 months. The beginning was magnificent but after a couple of months the "situationship/relationship" was only on her terms. I tried more than once to vocalized my needs. Like seeing us more than 1/2 times a week. Well she blindsided me after the first "discussion". As a secure person that "discussion" would be easily fixed in 2 minutes max.

[@foxerrr7864]

Secure modeling with DA behavior is SUPER helpful. Do more of these!

[@waterlilynymph]

The most beautiful thing is to realize you can go from anxious attached to secure with hard work and self awareness.

[@alisagalloza9328]

I've become a secure person because of God, and Im so grateful for that. 🙏💖

[@nopeacewithoutjustice6133]

God bless

[@hashtagspandas4070]

Good content. Have you ever considered making a video on the topic: “learn how to receive”? I think not just DA/FAs can benefit from it, but also APs ;)

[@maleborathokolo1679]

What is extremely annoying is that most of the advice is directed to the partner of the DA and them adapting to a relationship with minimal to no intimacy. I can sympathise with the events that may have lead a person to having a DA but I cannot sympathise with a behaviour if my sympathy is for baiting me into being complacent with what is causing me distress , in this case, I'm told sympathise with coldness and aloofness because "he has trauma" No one views Anxious attachments styles with the same rigidity, at some point, Secure or not, no relationship can survive a lack of intimacy.

[@kianathomas8797]

Thank Thais! Can you do more videos on secure attached people with insecure attachment styles!

[@rustyshimstock8653]

Your videos are very helpful. Thanks!

[@kateviers6536]

This video is so validating to me. I have anxious tendency and I have done massive inner work for the past year and a half. Listening to this video makes me realize how far into security I have come.

[@UnexpectedAmy]

Congrats!!

[@stephelisabeth3143]

I’m FA and my partner I’m pretty sure is secure. Our connection scares me but I know I am going to become a better and healthier person as a result of being with him. I’ve already learned so much about myself

[@kathrina.109]

but can I ask you something? I'm a FA myself and I really want a healthy relationship. but I always sabotage them and the problem is that my brain is constantly telling me to run away from secure men (it thinks that they're boring, bc the emotional stress is missing) and I don't even find them attractive (bc apparently I'm just attracted to men who trigger me, like dismissive avoidants).. can you relate to this? and how did you overcome this problem with your secure partner? 🙈 sorry if it's too private.

[@rose-pz1is]

Do you mind me asking why does your connection with him scares you?

[@PS-xb9hc]

Kuddos to you!❤🙏

[@Spik-w2c]

Awesome! Great explanations. I have worked on myself over the years and I am at the point where I secure me so I walk away after expressing my needs and seeing they are not met. And I feel at peace. Bottom line is “do the work”, reprogram. Many spend their lives not doing so. It can and will be messy along the way but it sure feels great when you’re able to identify problems ahead of time and address them.

[@Femininelovevibes]

I would let him be. I knew he was this.. or fearful avoidant.. in the end I left him. It became annoying and I’m good without completely

[@TJ-nq5nt]

If you living your life for peoples approval that is a messarible existence.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Some people have childhood have trauma around their parents approval and at that age it was frightening because your parents not approving you felt like your survival was at risk. This can get carried unconsciously into adult relationships and feel triggered when you feel like someone doesn't "approve" of you

[@translator544]

It’s weird I’m like an avoidant in friendships but anxious in romantic relationships

[@Kyrmana]

I feel like I have an outer avoidant protection layer but inside im more anxious. Weird attachment issues high5 :D

[@kedibonematlala4812]

Me tooo omg it’s crazy!

[@Lauracupcake1121]

Might be fearful avoidant

[@SybilNix]

Same

[@resueah7257]

FA here and same

[@amydigpal5558]

I guess it's easier for a securely attached person rather than an anxious preoccupied to think "onto the next" cos they arent hardwired to repeatedly attract insecurely attached partners, so it's easier for them. When you're an AP and you repeatedly attract these partners, it's impossible for every bit of hope you hold to have a fulfilling relationship to not diminish

[@verosaenz75]

I love this... thank you so much Thais for PDS I began my journey as Fearful Avoidant about 5 months ago, the person I'm dating is Dismissive Avoidant after watching this video today I am extremely happy to say that I am headed towards being Secure!!! I have to say although we are not there yet we have made some progress. My Dismissive has put in the effort in communicating and trying to meet my needs as I am his. He began shutting down this week and it's been about 2 days since we communicated but for the first time ever I didn't feel it had anything to do with me and I have to say that is extremely freeing. I'm hoping he continues to make progress I'm going to give it another month if not sadly as much as I care and love him I will need to walk away. I owe it to myself to be in a healthy thriving relationship.

[@audreyrudowski927]

I live the same situation. Do you have some advices?

[@jenaya_laila2442]

Dont wait! He will give you enough to not walk away but always feel like you are starving in it. 20 Years for me now! Just walked away! Hope you do to! You are NOT responsible for healing him..

[@jenaya_laila2442]

@@audreyrudowski927 leave! He will not change!

[@audreyrudowski927]

@@jenaya_laila2442 I did it. I’m with someone else since . It was hard but I’m okay now thanks girl !

[@AlinaTowers]

Have you seen people flip attachment styles? I feel like I was more on the avoidant side and my husband on the anxious side when we dated, but when I stopped holding back (I was really fearful) and decided to trust and marry my husband, we flipped places. 15 years later I feel worn down by always being held at arms length, I feel like I’m unraveling. My husband seems to show just enough affection to stay above reproach, and I do believe he loves me in his way, be he doesn’t fully connect. He hugs me, but he can’t give praise or compliments, and it’s easier for him to express negative emotion than positive. I would never have stayed in this relationship if he’d been like this before, but now we have four kids, and I do believe besides his inability to be really intimate or supportive, he loves me.

[@lizp2512]

Hi Thais :) you look stunning - had to point that out first! Second, the audio is sounding so much better ! Thank you for this video ❤️

[@martinrehout9121]

I was thinking the same she did look extra stunning didn’t she! :)

[@Kyrmana]

It's so great she figured it out

[@13parse]

Hey, what mic r u using now? My 10-yr-old wants 2 start a KZbin channel, so I'm asking around 4 him... Thanks, Thais! ❤️

[@danaconnolly8574]

Thais, yet another amazingly informative and empathetic video. I loved this bc you broke down the thoughts of FAs and APs but you also allowed us into the inner thoughts of how a secure thinks which gives us a tool in which to aspire to. Would definitely love to see more videos like this of “what would a secure do, how they would handle it/ react ect” it’s helpful to know what our end goal should be. So thank you once again 🙏🏻

[@antoniosciara7322]

If one person starts growing, a lot, and the other doesn't, I don't see how you can have a continuing relationship, even if you've already put in years. It can work of both people are willing to embark on self-exploration and self-awareness. But at some point, if you are growing and continue to grow, it is pretty much impossible to stay with someone who does not want to change and grow. At least in my opinion.

[@sw5018]

I’m a secure n I don’t think I would tolerate or have enough sensitivity to deal with an avoidant Props to those who can though, I love myself and my life to put myself through such emotional distress and turmoil

[@BFNLEO]

Your analogy of the mine field was beautifully articulated and makes so much sense. Thank you

[@BFNLEO]

And I must add you are seriously changing the world by giving us this info that we may incorporate into our PARENTING.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

@@BFNLEO Thank you for your comment, that means a lot

[@Pulsepoint129]

I am scratching my head in absolute confusion. My first love/ex from 23 years ago that pops in and out of my life at random and lives two thousand miles away swears up and down that his childhood was perfectly normal. Zero complaints, idyllic even. I've met his folks twice, and they think the world over of both him and his younger brother. So--where does his DA come from? No abuse or neglect, so--🤷🏼‍♀️​@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

[@janefaceinthewind6260]

What if you just love that person and that is why you find it hard to leave? What if it's just as simple as that? You can't undo loving someone.

[@alwaysaccurate8725]

It will be hard but know you deserve someone who can love you and is actively working on themselves.

[@issa8299]

You can’t undo loving someone, but you need to love yourself too...

[@taracheng7024]

then you need to examine why you love that person, e.g. what traits of him/her made you love him/her, what needs of you has been met by him/her, then try to meet those needs by yourself or from other relationships, and develop those traits in yourself, or date someone else who have those traits. Thais has a course on how to heal from breakups on her website, i got my ideas from that course.

[@karenthompson5539]

Thanks for helping me understand my tendency to personalize as an AP. Your video gave me hope there's healing.

[@regular21930]

Funny thing is I realise I somehow deal with friends and other relations with the securely attached way but in romantic relationship I am more anxiously attached 🤔

[@Skylardietsche]

My reaction was, oh, it is what it is, but I don't deserve to be treated like this. I've attracted too many avoidants in the past. I'm done.

[@mslissa5793]

I think and I know I have always been secure in relationships, but in this last year been triggered into an anxious state. However brief it happened before I remembered who I was. I know this is from an absent father growing up. I think personally we can float between these states depending on what we focus upon

[@rensraj]

Hi Thais thank you this was amazing, great to measure against a secure type. I am FA in a relationship with a DA. 1.5 yrs together but both of us avoid difficult conversations and seem to brush things under the carpet. Would be really good to know how secure should behave or react so can measure, compare and learn. Thanks xx

[@brunette3696]

I think non confrontational conversations help a lot. In my case I have learned ( and still learning) how to address issues in a manner that starts wuth *I* instead of *you*, it feels less direct and agressive

[@LeaderLessons]

Will securely attached even get into relationship with a dismissive avoidant? If you don’t want to connect, I will find someone who does.

[@rosebud0391]

I have DA and am currently being pursued by someone with SA so yes. It's all about where DA is on their journey, how self-aware they are, their active involvement in moving to a SA, and their willingness to continue to work on themselves.

[@shashwatasamanta7358]

@Fiona Secure people do not pursue.

[@Kate-B4]

And I thought I was anxiously attached, turns out I'm securely attached haha ! That would make sens with my other relationships... I've been anxious only with one person, obviously an avoidant !

[@militaryhorsegal]

I'm likely to watch this video again and again. So educational and empowering. Thank you, Thais!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for your comment

[@sierraG333]

I didn’t understand I was with an avoidant and got so frustrated with his confusing behaviour that I eventually blew up. Of course this was after repeatedly saying that we need to talk. I was trying to understand him. And he just wasn’t interested in talking. So I couldn’t take it anymore and went nuts and now I’m the bad guy. I’ve never experienced something like this before.

[@elsiecheesman1642]

I love your videos very interesting :) I was just wondering if it's possible to have a combination of a few attachment styles? Such as secure and anxious preoccupied? And can your attachment style vary on who you're with? Such as if you have partly secure and partly insecure so the insecure part of you panics when someone draws back?

[@komlat253]

Idk. I think that i have developed into a secure person cuz i had a messed up home but im the one that's counciling my community through the attachment styles. People ask me how but i don't really know how i got here,i think it was my study in behavior psychology and i know that i Express honest emotions and i very very comfortable with myself and being alone

[@kk70x7]

Giving grace to Thais but anyone who has been around children knows they are not "unconditionally loving". They are selfish little creatures who easily lash out when they don't get their way and know how to manipulate so they do get their way. It's actually sort of hilarious to watch a toddler think they are being sly! 😀

[@scarletsletter4466]

I agree. I couldn’t help but laugh when she said this. I know what she meant, but children are just a window into the entire spectrum of human nature 😂

[@shubikl9826]

Thais, I'm 36 yo and 10 days ago I was still in this lost/anxious/hopeless state of mind. Where have you been all this time?? I feel these past few days, discovering your work, you have changed my perspective and my Life! I'm recommending your work to my friends!

[@juliet8678]

Thanks so much for this! I most appreciate you actually putting into words the things a securely attached person might say. Growing up in a severely emotionally dysfunctional house, I never had that modeling.

[@miut7995]

Traumas/wounds they are what you perceive them to be. If you look at it negatively then you will react to it negatively. It’s inevitable to encounter trauma throughout your lifetime. Just my opinion. Parents who feel like they cannot or shouldn’t discipline/punish your child will end up hurting them. They will feel like they are entitled to everything when we are a social creature. We need to learn to live with other humans in a civil way. Yes, we can walk around with a gun shooting people just because we feel sick and tired of shit. Self control is what all kids need to learn. Everything in this world is conditional. Love from parents are mostly unconditional but there are times that we need to admit it’s hard to love a child who will not listen or behave. There’s nothing wrong with that. We are humans. Secure people will not look at their failures as a restriction. Instead, they look at it as an opportunity to improve themselves. I think secure people have as much, of not more traumas. That’s how they learn to cope with it in a healthy way. If you’re never sad, how will you learn to cope with sadness? If you never fail, how will you know what is success? What about those who quits easily? I feel like there are more people who give in less effort.

[@katja6228]

I am a FA/DA developping to secure. After 3 months of wonderful dating and asking where he sees us, je was suddenly pulling away, was cold but tried to stat in contact from a distance. I break up after givibg him more than one chance to speak as communication is key (and he agreed with since de began dating). I didnt understand anything, no after a lot of research I am pretty sure that he is DA, I am not willing to accept his hot and cold behaviour and I said this to him very clearly when he asked me to meet after months again of ghosting me. I was calm an clear, honest, no drama and he impulsively blocked me an SM. WTF I am getting even more secure after being aware of his attachement style. I can understand it and let go.

[@NoireFleurFatale]

Being with a DA is draining. You look at them and wanna tellem grow up and get some thick skin.

[@melisacar934]

If a DA is behaving very rude, arrogant, inconsistent and distant in the early dating phase how would a secure person respond? I didn’t stay in the realtionship but couldn’t help but react to bad behaviour followed later by being ghosted!? How can i not take this personally after that? 😂

[@melisacar934]

Ravens Moon McDonald of sleat good point! So can we say that being a DA and a narcissist does have some traits in common eventhough many argue that they are two seperate things? I believe some of the characteristics of DA s are very close to those of narcissists

[@SybilNix]

Idk what a fully secure person would do, but that kind of behavior and personality is a repellent. I would lose all attraction and move on.

[@elle381]

I want to be secure..

[@tianiemitchell5692]

I like your analogy I was an abused child I had a mother who was like a saint very loving and nurturing and protected us from our dad had severe trust issues and anger issues but because I had two different individuals to observe and study it made me realize that my dad had been abused as a child and it's gone through something very traumatic so when my mother passed and that abuse that he gave to her moved on to us I knew it had nothing to do with me personally yes he hurt me at times physically most of my young life but I did not take it personally I knew that it was a effect of something that he had gone through and I had the courage and strength to forgive him for lashing out at the only people there to lash out to. We became close friends when I became a teenager and because of what I went through I had chose not to be like my dad and not take things personally or as others may say internalized it on myself I was just there and forgiving him for each and every act that he did taught me to be a stronger human being and a better parent

[@alisonmcintyre7876]

Please can you do a video about an anxious or fearful avoidants relationship with Christmas? It’s such a massive trigger. I want to hide under the duvet till it goes away!

[@tedtalksrock]

Me too!

[@beta3810]

Me too! Not just christmas but also new year's celebrations. I've been married for 6 years already and migrated to my husband's country where he and his family are. I was always acting like a grinch during christmases and just wanted to stay in the house til the whole holiday season was over... but not. I had to attend those gatherings all the time with families. And the last one was a disaster.

[@JasonButterHarper]

If one of my lessons from my Mom dying is to not just walk away from silent treatments or avoidances; a ) I like what you said about *what a relation looks like to me. Connection , resolve, discussion, accountability, etc. b ) What are some things - or how can I express in a way that’s helpful in allowing and encouraging their authenticity. I understand expressing my boundaries does help that. I’m just curious as to creative ways that you may have noted. I believe I’ve moved into a more secure attachment style having some recent experiences over the past few years. And it does tend to be a trending thing in the dating book and coaching world to “meg” and ignore. So, it seems counter intuitive to finding anyone with actual authentic space taking and accountability.

[@kaalmansur]

Dismissive people CAN'T do relationships. You can be as secure and caring as you want. It will NOT work. All you can do to safe your life is leave. Leave early.

[@superwaxx]

Damn...you’re good. Lol I wish I had accessed this information in my last relationship

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

better late than never :)

[@qd8wl]

Your explanations are so so so good, I've never seen something better. Thank you so much.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

We're so happy you are getting so much out of the videos. Thanks for your support

[@holocene.]

Thais, thank you. Can you help (or anyone else help) point to resources that would help with "scarcity mindset" as it plays into your comments at the end of this video. I think I stay in a relationship (like you talked about in the end) because although it's said there are plenty of people etc etc, I feel I'm unique enough that with my political, religious/spiritual, and other aspects, intersts, etc about me, it's hard to find someone who is aligned with where I am. So I find it very difficult to find someone with the same spiritual, political, and other ideals as I do, much less, someone I'm attracted to, and who has healthy boundries (not to mention my own disfuction). So naturally the scarcity mindset comes into play. "I'll never find someone who has this and that in common with me AND is attractive. Nobody is perfect. Etc etc." Until you realize you're not happy and in too deep, then it's hard to get out. Because then I start to date again or look around and there's just NO one you're attracted to who aligns with you, so it'd never work. Thoughts anyone? (Specifically I am speaking from me being very anxious and dating a very dismissive avoidant for 4+ months. I have also dated someone more anxious than me who triggered my avoidant tendencies and also stayed too long in that relationship for many of the same reasons, as we aligned on a lot of other things, but my serious committed or trying to be committed relationships are very far and few between)

[@umbrascitor2079]

This is something I face. Hard. The people I really vibe with are rare creatures indeed. But when I find them, connection is virtually instantaneous and my relationships with them have been long enduring (even if they don't stay "partner" relationships forever). The best remedy I've found is to respect yourself enough to build up a "quality over quantity" mindset. It's easy to learn but difficult to master. Seek out the people who understand you. Give them space in your life even if you're not attracted to them or they're not attracted to you, because they will be your anchor for feeling appreciated and valued in a world that's hard to fit into -- and sometimes a rich source of more social connections with people who also understand you, and you do have a mutual attraction with.

[@VictorialuvsGod]

I have come to accept that it may not happen and I'm truly becoming more and more ok with that. I have so many people in my life who are amazing and see me/respect me/love me. Sometimes healthy love doesn't come to us all. That's the truth.

[@dreysantillan]

I am a Secure She is a DA Most of the time I feel useless for not being there for her Whenever i try to help, seems like i was messing up, and right now saying this I feel like im just pulling out a victim card, I dont know anymore Im so confused I'm also scared But I feel like i have no rights to feel that

[@umbrascitor2079]

FA working hard toward security. Was in the same situation until very recently. It was so hard to be a helper type with a deep capacity for understanding and care, and to have all my best efforts be the wrong thing, because the only right way to help is either not to try (aaaggh) or to know exactly what she needed when she didn't even know what that was (hngggh). It helped for me to, in some ambiguous sense, "be there" for her, except when she wanted as little contact with me as she could get. It was frustrating, confusing, in some sense devaluing, and scary for me to see her hurt and not be able to do anything to help. The thing I came to understand, though, is that for the most part she didn't want it to be my business. And with that being the case, my inability to do something cannot be considered "useless." Because there was simply nothing expected for me to do.

[@franciscoguevara9727]

Ya i am a childhood trauma survivor and my pattern was really anxious , stay and allow abuse or crumbs or poor treatment because whos going to want to be my friends if not. But i realized when i started my healing journey from cptsd and i was the family scapegoat to a narc parent, that keeping boundaries and enforcing them if not respected, and not allowing poor treatment is actually how i heal and love myself, and almost 3 years in, i have been practicing expressing the nuances of my feelings, my needs, and all of that for the 3 years of my recovery and its a great way of seeing who's available. Im now looking to understand more the avoidant person, and attune to their needs, to avoid the anxious-avoidant trap, although my patterns ive been trying to practice are that of a earned secure attachment all in the effort of valuing myself and healing my childhood trauma, there can still be little residues of being somewhat attracted to avoidants and them having that mysterious pull over me at times (a little bit only) which is ok and also , they can have that that they run away or need more space. Im understanding their needs for time and space in effort to having a fufilling connection with a woman sometime, and perhaps it will be avoidant woman thats also commited towards practicing the healthiest secure attachment. I would not stick around anymore for a relationship where the other person isn't making an effort to be available or anything that would feel like im abandoning myself.

[@PieterFret]

My FA girlfriend is showing up extremely inconsistently lately, there's a lot of push-pull going on and it's making me very anxious (being an AP). She's also overstepping some of my boundaries (e.g. texting her exes almost daily). I've talked to her about how that makes me feel, but she just says not to worry and keeps on doing it. I feel disrespected and I think I should leave this painful relationship, but my fear of abandonment won't allow me to make that decision... It's like I'm stuck in limbo, because my anxious reactions just push her away even further :/

[@oosn0b0ardroo]

Get out now, man! A major red-flag like that at this stage is not likely to change and you'll be perpetually prevented from moving to a more secure place yourself. You will be SO much happier and healthier with a secure... Forgive the cliche but "short-term [emotional] pain for long-term [emotional] gain."

[@twovthree]

If established boundaries aren't being respected, you know what to do...

[@healthyhippy4282]

Sorry to hear about this . I would walk away and show that you mean business . Dealing with D.A s are special cases but you need to look after you . She may notice your gone but you never know with these ppl . Good luck .

[@a.llewellyn]

@@oosn0b0ardroo nicely said 👍

[@husseinfaiz3397]

The think with FA is you have to always be this perfect person to them. The moment you falter they go back into their shell and act on their unconscious triggers. They don't mean it, it just so happens. They constantly want attention. By the sound of it you seem the nice guy type. Not to blame you at all, but if you're paired with an FA it'll be hell

[@IdontspeakBro.]

Im not sure of the order it should happen in, but I have done alot of work on myself through Meditation, breathwork and EFT. Coming back to watch these videos and this one specifically, i accept and understand the information much better and have more confidence on implementing it. Without the initial work it would have felt like catching knives. Now Im Neo and can catch a samurai sword. Thank you!

[@Ckyt572]

My DA never pulled away, he was consistent with the communication, I always told him we should talk about our needs. But after he dumped me, he dissapeared 😢

[@stephaniefernandes7735]

Is it possible for DA to show secure attachment characteristics?

[@lyciumchld]

They may present as secure early on, before their fears are activated. That's part of why so many report feeling deceived and used after, because in the beginning a DA can show up in a relationship so beautifully. When the distancing starts it's like a slap in the face.

[@fatatabata]

Recipe for disaster

[@rhonnieminnie]

I probably trend towards anxious, but my da ex actually made me really secure bc he allowed me to communicate my needs and showed up. Hit me like a ton of bricks when he deactivated, blamed me for his feelings, then ghosted (100% unacceptable not appreciated)... but bc he made me feel sooo secure, im not putting up with mistreatment. Shocking because we had committed to healthy communication, then he bounced. Working it out in therapy. Can only hope he chooses to too. I can't fix him.

[@jennettebaughan4393]

I know the reason for attachment styles . I clicked to see how a securely attached acts, and you never really said how . I wish you had stuck to the title more.

[@StoanPhrogg]

Your content has been so helpful for me Thais. I used to identify as a DA in my past relationships, but watching your videos on FAs, secures, (de)activating strategies, etc. has made me realize I'm more of a FA striving to become secure. I've been dating someone that's way more dismissive than I am, and while I still struggle with personalizing issues, I know my needs and try to communicate them. It feels much better than shutting down or living in constant anxiety.

[@verosaenz75]

Hi, I'm a fearful avoidant and I've been off an on with my dismissive avoidant I'm so grateful I found your channel because it all makes sense now. Every time he pulls away I would be left thinking there was something wrong with me. Now I see why he does this which is heartbreaking. It's been almost 4 weeks since we spoke, we got into a small argument while he was at work and I did say somethings which came off as criticism. I'm trying to be patient and let him have some space however although I'm working on myself I can't help but think he has moved on although that has not been the case in the past being this has happened before. Any suggestions, I'm working on becoming a secure attachment style. Thanks again for the great content!! Stay Safe and Be Blessed

[@marcd2743]

Hopefully you found the strength to move on from someone that ghosts you for a month for criticizing them.

[@lisawentworth6831]

I don't know...I am securely attached and my partner is avoidant. From him pulling away...out of the blue...I have become an anxious attachment. I should also mention that I am foreign I have invested and given up everything for this relationship, so his pulling away for fears that are strictly in his head...my fears are real factors that the last few weeks, have hit me hard. I know i am a catch...I don't understand why he does this. He is the love of my life...Tons of man have asked me out during this latest pull away period, so I don't think I would be alone, but I would lose him

[@Miriam-ul4ke]

Lisa, you need to have a second man , I'm serious don't rely on this one it will never work he will turn you into a wreck, start talking to other men and start dating. X

[@lisawentworth6831]

@@Miriam-ul4ke Well, my friend, you may have hit upon something. Men have been coming out of the woodwork even before this happened. I have this other guy at work that has been totally interested in m,e, plus an ex. I gave my heart and soul to this man, so it's hard to envision being with anyone else; especially since he didn't even tell his friends and they are still liking his posts of how much I love him. I am just broken hearted, and so many people are just so mean to me, ecen my bff. i dont think its over, but i am talking to other men. it doesnt help that my visa depends on this man or i lose all rights. i love him so much

[@Miriam-ul4ke]

@@lisawentworth6831 don't be stupid do not give your heart to a man who is not willing to reciprocate, get another men even s few believe me the one your obsessed about will start looking like a tool. X

[@lisawentworth6831]

@@Miriam-ul4ke Well, he gave his heart to me right away as well....that's been a long time. When he did this to me and pulled away, we had never been closer. You are right, just before this last break up, men from all over the world and even exes started being interested in me...I didn't seek out their attention, just started getting messages. One man in particular from work that has been interested in me since one of the last break ups last November [because I started crying at work, everyone knew]. He has made it very clear he won't play around with my emotions and wants a relationship...I still feel so much in love with yes, the man I am obsessed with. I saw a video that says men don't like to lose assets, so when other men start getting interested in me, you think he will know what he lost? I was his world...

[@soulharmonie9157]

Is it possible to develop a certain attachment style after childhood? I try to identify possible childhood experiences with my parents and can’t find them. I feel like it was experiences that I experienced with my peers as a teenager, young adult and especially in my previous marriage.

[@andreamarshall1005]

Good question! Would like to see her reply.

[@markcollins1012]

I have long accepted that I have an anxious attachment, that I have had to work on becoming more secure. But I think I held on in my marriage years longer than I should have in large part because I didn't want to hurt my children. it's harder to hold your partner accountable and put up with not getting your needs met because you don't want to hurt others by breaking up a family. Not sure I have seen a video on such a topic.

[@MrTheomighty1]

I really can’t believe I’m watching bloody videos again on my woman of 15 months is pulling away, this happens to me a lot with not just my new woman nearly all the women I’ve been with do this to me but my last woman was into me like I’ve never had before, now she’s pulling away in how she contacts me, she was the one telling me how great I am and how into me she was and she wants me forever as I’m the guy she’s always been looking for, she’s told me not to worry as all will be ok

[@kimb.4400]

I think I showed up secure and as time went on with my DA I reverted back to FA patterns leaning avoidant by the end of the relationship. Working hard to gain back the progress I had made.

[@dancorson5822]

Because you have a conscious you do all the adjusting to them. Let’s be honest, criticize them and they’ll show you the door. Of course they’ll say you “attacked them.” Ask them what is getting attacked and they won’t know being unaware as they are.

[@cinmingrl]

I think I’m a DA and I think I’ve known that even before I learned the term. I always wanted to be better though. I have often wondered if I had gotten into a relationship with a secure that could be patient and stable if I would have been able to work out of it. Instead I committed to a FA child of a narcissist and we spent years triggering each other. We’re both learning and getting better now, which is great. We can’t go back in time

[@hibiscus1688]

You cannot expect someone to change you though. You also need to put in the work and take the necessary steps to change. The secure person is not a saviour nor a therapist. Sure, they can help you, but they also need some reciprocity and a sense of being in a partnership with a an adult who is willing to commit to the relationship. Otherwise, they'll leave, because it's exhausting to deal with people who can't connect emotionally, who are too afraid to change and FEEL emotions, who disappear when conflicts/issues arise, who ghost them just because they don't feel like going beyond heir comfort zone, etc. Secure people know that they deserve better. Although they are patient, they also have limits and boundaries.

[@cinmingrl]

@@hibiscus1688 well of course. Same to be said for being in a relationship with anyone. When I said “if *I* would have been able to work out of it” I was taking responsibility for being the one to do the work. However, we don’t live in a vacuum and environment plays a role. I was speculating on the stability of a secure person vs. an avoidant in helping my healing proceed faster. You sound like you’re attacking me for faults I didn’t choose and am working to be aware of and resolve, possibly because you’ve been hurt by similar? If that is the case then I am sorry for your hurt. However, it would be more helpful if you could be more kind than accusatory.

[@ranikster9955]

Love this, I keep listening to this video, whenever I feel insecure and anxious. It’s such a comfort Oh, apparently he was just busy at work today lol😂😅

[@AliValentine143]

It would be excellent for life quality if everyone got assistance with attachment style u derstadimg or healing at some point. Until our society and economic lifestyles change in the US with the need to work a lot, balance leaving our young kids to be raised by caregivers in order to work enough, our work-life balance improves we're going to grow up with core wounds that cause attachment difficulties, relationship issues, and the Anxious -Avoidant pattern continues.

[@romilynparra]

I have an anxious attachment going towards more secure while dating a man who is obviously an avoidant. While seeing him, I felt extreme highs and lows due to his inconsistencies. I felt that he's pulling me back to being anxiously attached again. After asking him what's on his mind recently, he said: "uhm, we are just having fun and hanging out, I thought." That struck me because I made it clear in the beginning that's not what I wanted out of our connection. I thanked him for his honesty and just told him that I'm going to distance myself from now on. He just sent me a thumbs up to avoid talking further. I just accepted that he's not for me and moved on.

[@ummjunayd1511]

The worst thing about DAs is that they don’t always show their dismissive side right away. They can be so present, loving, available etc initially then once you’re hooked they can just start being avoidant which is extremely confusing. Better to leave that keep hoping for an illusion that’s not really them to come back.

[@OmeHoney]

This is soul food 💫🙏🏽

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Heartwarming comment, thank you Amanda

[@samuelpayne5460]

“A happy relationship to me…” this is the problem with pretty much all of the advice given in these types of situations. “Avoidants” are avoiding you for a reason. It’s because the focus you put up is, “fulfil my needs” bc that’s what I want. Then when her needs are fulfilled, she’s happy and thinks her partners needs are met as well bc they’re “connecting”. Whether she likes it or not, men and women want two very different things in a relationship. Men have been shamed for the things they want in a relationship, and women have been praised for what they want in a relationship. When it becomes “give, give, give”, and then it’s “shame the man” because he wants things that guys want, it makes sense why he would avoid.

[@sarahqureshi9406]

It’s not that easy to leave an avoidant esp if Ure married and have kids

[@firefeethok_tui2355]

This is a good description of whay avoidants avoid. And why secure or mildly secure-anxious should avoid. In my opinion the problem lies in that if you’re securely attached and you give those avoid in person space the first several times they pull away just demonstrating that you’re a good human they take this as a president think this is what they will be able to do in the relationship. When you try to talk to them about this behavior they of course avoid everything. Your needs will not be met and you will know it so if you find yourself trying to explain yourself and trying to make the other person understand you you know you probably have this dynamic going on.

[@valentinavadillo]

THIS INFORMATION IS SO ON POINT. It talks about the 2 most important points and the balance between them