How an avoidant is CREATED

[@lizardluminals9324]

This is why it’s so important that parents are taught how to parent. It’s scary to think that people that are narcissistic, avoidants, drug dealers etc. are having kids that and are passing these traits onto the next generation. It needs to change.

[@n1icolas]

This is scary to think what then next generations are going to be like with social media and dating apps. On top of this we have a mental health crisis around the world too .. this is sending me down the rabbit hole of thinking of the complexities going on around the world.

[@sf808opalaman]

Passing on the "generational curse"

[@n1icolas]

@@sf808opalaman Most definitely the case always..

[@cococaptivating7611]

I was with a severe d A He admitted to a severe alcoholic father that beat him regularly and verbally assaulted he as well. He said his Mama was enmeshed with him, using him as a confidant. He married 3 times to women that had addictions or sociopathic symptoms. Stole from him or wanted to have a child with him and then discard him. Yes, he was very kind to me and was supportive and consistent with me until he started fault finding, sabotaging, then discarding me of course he began with a mild form of love bombing and yes during the discard he showed immaturity. I agree with you there is a large amount of self loathing and the phrase I’ve heard on two different occasions “ I love her but I can’t handle her”. I think what that means is in their mind I’m out of their league and eventually I’ll figure it out and discard them so they discard me before I figure this out.

[@sheilasheila2709]

This is excellent. These people are emotionally handicapped, and most will never get the help they need in order to heal from the emotional neglect and smothering they experience as a child.

[@Align45]

Another great video! I was shocked when the 52 year old I was dating had an absolute childish temper tantrum freak-out when I brought up that I noticed he’d pulled away right after calling me his “girlfriend”, said I was curious as to what was going on for him, could he explain it to me, etc. I’d never seen anything like it. Ended it that night. I’d suspected he might be avoidant,..or just slow to progress things. I decided to go with the later as I let him show himself to me…Turns out he’d never had a relationship last longer than 3 months. Next time I’m asking those questions up front (automatic exit for me )in addition to all I’ve learned to identify these types sooner (your videos are the best!)

[@joyshipley706]

Such a brilliant video …. Why are we not taught these ‘varying attachment’ styles during schooling. If the parents fail in a sense there should be a kind of safety net to be there rather than let society (partners, their children, Co-workers etc) pick this trauma up. It was only through years of avoidant husband I kept questioning the behaviour, lack of empathy, no self-reflection, almost empty in their core, very veneered in their conversations, same arguments not being able to be resolved or even communicated about, castle walls you simply cannot get through but when you finally get the breakthrough and understand (videos like this) it’s almost a relief as you can put a distance between the drama and understand this really isnt personal, it’s about their internal workings, if it wasn’t you it would be someone else. However it also gives them the chance to work on themselves, to heal. Not enough people understand the dynamics of childhood trauma and the onset of attachments throughout their lives

[@andybiddle9088]

Instead of being angry with avoidents and saying they should be made to steer clear of relationships. As heart breaking it is....and it WAS for me! I know they should do the work on themselves, to heal. But we don't know what's really going on in their heads. How hard it is for them. I just feel desperately sad and sorry for my ex. I believe she DID love me..and I loved her. She may STILL love me as she doesn't even want to be friends. Heart says one thing, head says another. I HOPE she contacts me and we can be friends in the future....AND, maybe I can help her heal.

[@chelseajackman7730]

I saw this in my avoidant DM. He *_WORSHIPPED_* his parents. They could do no wrong in his eyes. Anything they did to him that was painful, he was grateful to them for because it just showed him the example that he needed to follow as a husband and man of the house. He was grateful to them for the time they didn't take him in when he was homeless and living in his car, because it showed they had strong boundaries that he wasn't going to cross unless and until he was man enough to deserve it. Also, his dad is a pastor. Look me in the eye and tell me he doesn't have religious trauma in spades.

[@n1icolas]

Well said Ryan I understand this so well.. with being around my ex's family.. when there were small arguments..it's like I came from being a supposedly son in law to son .. their mother was an alcoholic..

[@krisreynolds9490]

Such a great video on explaining how they come to be. To the point. My ex grew up around alcoholism and the same family dynamic but she never talked about it. I didn’t realize the impact it had on her and us until after the discard and she blocked communication. Not that it’s my fault, I still wish I had known about this before hand so I maybe could have helped her and us. She did everything to push me away afterwards to the point of questionable sociopathic tendencies that I would have never expected from her. Heart breaking to say the least. You’ve taught me a lot from your videos

[@GodHelpMe369]

Avoidants are so focused on testing their love interest to make sure he/she will be a good partner that they don’t even notice that in the process... THEY have become a terrible partner! We have to let people walk away. That creates a space for the right person. I will not hide what I feel. I will NEVER sugarcoat what I say. Radical honesty is my highest calling and my greatest value. I only accept consistency. I deserve it. I accept nothing less than being treated as the queen I AM.

[@MD-gk2un]

And then they're 30 plus years old and have never left home and ask their mother permission to marry you...run from your texts but immediately jump to attention when their mother texts when you're on a date.

[@ChumpanZees]

This was great, thank you doctors 🙏

[@ThaMetalMan]

Can you do more videos for the people that have left the avoidant? I suspect my recent ex-girlfriend was a dismissive avoidant and I'm just curious on what the avoidant goes through when there was passionate love and they are left by their lover . It makes me sad what she might be going through but it also would help me understand better

[@GodHelpMe369]

The hardest person to break up with is the one you've created in your delusional, fantasy-making mind... 1. Know your value!!! (Do NOT doubt yourself.) 2. Take yourself and your worth seriously. You need to BE A QUEEN to be treated like one. 3. Don’t give easy access to anyone, at any time. Access to your energy should be expensive. 4. Do NOT only express your boundaries. YOU MUST show them. 5. Always be ready to walk away. 6. Show that you are focused on actions not on words. 7. Have a healthy degree of skepticism. 8. You must be willing to say NO and you must be willing to lose the man, if needed. 9. Never EVER chase a man! A truly worthy woman, (who knows her worth) does not EVER chase a man. Giving the same energy that you're getting is key and if you don't like that energy then move on! NOW! It can be hard but that's when you need to choose yourself over the damn illusion/fantasy. A man who loves a woman will not ignore her, ever, period. So... If he ignores me I will step back and he will lose me. Simple. Simple. Non-dramatic and uncomplicated. I don’t, under any circumstance: play these childish-abusive-controlling mind games. I will only be with a man who values and appreciates me, and treats me as the Queen, I AM. (Daughter of the Most Hight; King of kings!) Because I am a beautiful and kind and divine and sexy and wise and intelligent and magical woman: who knows my worth. Period. Also, We create each moment. This moment contains, through my focus, both positive and negative... I can put my attention on what I lack, what I don't have, what traumas I do have etc... And, I can put my attention on the calm moment that I am in, NOW, the food I just ate, and the fact that my body is satisfied, the shelter I do have... (You get my idea!) Both are here... And now. For the sake of fairness, I will allow myself to cry my pains, in the moment if/when they come/arise, AND also acknowledge the beauty I still have in my life NOW. Pain? Yes. Suffering? Indeed. And, also: wonderous magical divine beauty. Blessings to you!

[@malapauta]

beautifully said

[@adriennelatimer2491]

Thanks!

[@nefertitiqueenofthenile5320]

Could you please make a similar video for fearful avoidants?

[@mgtowsoldier8673]

I had a ex Gf who was severely FA....she had no pathology of parental neglect...but medical trauma...and a severe trauma when she was stood up at the alter when she found out the guy was already married......is this a possible route to FA

[@tredd9019]

Makes me wonder...because these exact things cause Narcs as well. Wondering the reason for turning Avoidant over Narc and vice versa? Interesting.

[@Apbt-rv7zw]

Would it benefit an Avoidant watching your videos?

[@sf808opalaman]

Yes, it would be benificial... WOULD they watch it?? Absolutely not. It requires inner work and self reflection. No such thing from avoidant.

[@goldy140]

This abt DA & FA both right?

[@taylorbee4010]

Is it weird that I test anxious but know all of these fears..?

[@OliviaJordanFan]

Great video, very much needed! Thanks Coach!

[@GodHelpMe369]

to my dear former so-called best friend, I miss you. SO MUCH!! it's almost unbearable, to watch you, discreetly, from the sidelines, as you are ALWAYS with her * my replacement * out making all of your wildest dreams come true, together, and I've been left to suffer the loss of you, and the trauma of what you both did to me... *it is truly a most bizarre characteristic of humans, that we smile when we are in pain.*