How bad are the CPUs in Mario Kart Wii?

Mario Kart Wii, like almost any other multiplayer game, has computer players (or CPUs, for short) for you to race against when playing alone. The problem? Well, they're pretty terrible. In this video, I try to prove that the CPUs are even worse than one might think by lapping them- not once, not twice, but four races in a row. Let's answer the question: How bad are the CPUs in Mario Kart Wii?
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♫ Interior Shop - Tomodachi Collection
♫ Options Menu - Mario Kart DS
♫ Gourmet Race (Title) - Kirby Super Star Ultra
♫ Hyrule Field - The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
♫ Unfounded Revenge/Smashing Song of Praise - Super Smash Bros. Brawl
♫ Battle! (Rival) - Pokemon Diamond and Pearl
♫ Traveling the Warp Pipe - Mario Party (N64)
♫ Rainbow Road - Mario Kart 8
♫ Poké Center (Night) - Pokemon Diamond and Pearl
♫ Player Select - Street Fighter II (SNES)
♫ Gothic Neclord - Suikoden II
♫ Rainbow Road - Mario Kart Wii
♫ Credits - Super Mario Galaxy 2
♫ Porky's Theme - Super Smash Bros. Brawl
♫ Battle! (Gym Leader) - Pokemon FireRed and LeafGreen
♫ Victory! (Team Aqua and Team Magma) - Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire
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♫ (Outro Music) Battle Mode - Mario Kart DS
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Thank you all for your support. I really do love and appreciate every single one of you (:
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#wiimmfi #ctgp #mkw

[@mrzukunft]

The CPUs be an entire lap behind you and then pretend they were only 20 seconds behind you on the scoretable 😂

[@jpraise6771]

Folks! today is a new day, let it be a new start for you with the Almighty Jesus Christ. God awaits you✝️

[@holyheckism]

@@jpraise6771 man shut up

[@Sekert758]

@@jpraise6771 oh shut up no one asked

[@zachellison9108]

@@Sekert758no one asked for this comment

[@v01d_g34r]

that failed gap cut was heartbreaking

[@sweeches]

same but also the funniest thing ever

[@panthekirb7561]

Yeah it felt so relatable to fail a challenge only because I wanted to show off ;_;

[@NotBamOrBing]

It's not heartbreaking when someone goes "I'm gonna punch myself in the balls" and proceeds to punch themself in the balls, this is no different

[@NotBamOrBing]

@@jpraise6771 weird spelling of Alll-mer, the dude who gathered followers in the middle east and then was crucified and resurrected three days later and then killed the kings and rulers installing himself as the new ruler, whose symbol is a cross like the one he was crucified on

[@wildbuckhouse]

@@NotBamOrBingagreed that was just dumb

[@asayo11_]

yeah they are easy until they hit you with a blue shell, red shell, banana all in a row

[@ggg_ggg-ggg-g__g-g]

"56. Being punished for being good at the game"

[@CathodeRayKobold]

The first time I played Wii, I was miles ahead on Luigi Circuit and still got second because of 2 blue shells on lap 3. I can understand keeping the pack close, but that was NOT my fault.

[@XGh0sT77]

I lost the 3 star rank on mirror leaf cup because I got hit by 3 blue shells on BC3 and somehow baby peach got a 2:39 time on the QUACKER

[@richardrowberry7538]

It's alright saying cpu are easy when you plan on easy cpu. Hard cpu drive smarter and faster than human players even funky on bowser bike plus frantic items makes it harder

[@RobBlu-d6u]

It's like they knew their cpus were terrible and gave them too much of a leg up with items. This still seems to happen in MK8 because my friend and I noticed that it's infinitely more common to get "mario karted" offline than on worldwide in both games.

[@Streptobeep]

It feels like DK Mountain would have been a good track for this, since there are the downhill sections where you drive a lot faster than the CPUs if done correctly and the shroomless shortcut which saves a lot of time while also not having to bag.

[@Metagross31]

Same with DK summit. It even has the blue zippers, where CPUs trnd to go very wide and waste tons of time.

[@jpraise6771]

Folks! today is a new day, let it be a new start for you with the Almighty Jesus Christ. God awaits you✝️

[@Blue_Flare_]

"I'm feeling gutsy! Aw, dangit! Aw, dangit! Aw, dangit! Aw, dangit!"

[@chajas5529]

Let's go gambling!

[@Kitten_Baker-art]

Let's be financially responsible

[@harrisonmoore3841]

@@Kitten_Baker-art [Luigi Circuit] I can't stop winning!

[@joshkidvr]

[Rainbow Road] Aw, dang it!

[@jimrdm71]

Let’s do some not intended shortcuts!

[@matej1608]

Awful CPUs don't stop Poofesure from failing the game and calling t rigged 😂

[@emilydavidson8844]

Prolly cause he picks the mii instead of daisy or funky and doesn’t wheelie

[@mrclean7473]

@@emilydavidson8844i play as toad and its still easy 😭

[@luigi6290]

Bro doesn’t wheelie and takes turns wide and blames it all on the game lmao

[@YoshiAteTooManyYoshiCookies]

​@@luigi6290people who don't wheelie genuinely piss me off. I know that there are plenty of people who have a skill issue and can't do certain things that would be easy for someone like me (and I can't even do a single ultra shortcut) and while taking optimal and precise wheelie lines can take some skill, just doing basic wheelies takes absolutely zero skill and you're actively handicapping yourself by not doing it.

[@yukimidaifuku_DLsite-d3o]

@@luigi6290I hate to sound like an American, but that is 𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 a skill issue.

[@skins1024]

I used to play at college where we would have 4 real players and 8 CPUs. We always played on hard cpu and the amount of times even I was able to pass multiple CPUs on ghost valley 2 was pretty much every time

[@Dmooreslotreviews]

I have a brother and we would invite 2 friends over and we would do all 32 tracks randomised as an ultimate championship. I would write our finishing position for each race and which race it was and would make a line chart to see how close it was over the 32 races. It was great to see who was stronger at which tracks and had much a bad run could affect a player. My strongest tracks were GBA browsers Castle 3 and Moonview Highway.

[@viniciopellicelli7561]

​@@Dmooreslotreviewsonce a year I do a Mario Kart Wii tournament with my friends, we play with automatic drift because we only use the Wii remote control and that's what we used as children when we played it, the first year it was a very simple thing with three groups, 2 semi-finals and a final but since last year we have been doing something very serious, with an excel file in which we mark all the matches, physical prizes and more. This year to change the tournament we did it in pairs, there were 12 of us in total (a championship of 6 pairs, with a final between the top 2). It always takes us a long time but it's really cool

[@Tgtg14486]

Hello turtle brother

[@masquatch]

26:35 the amount of second hand rage I felt

[@fractal-dreamz]

the inhale killed me

[@LaykaTheWuffinator]

*Sets CPUs to Easy* "Damn, these guys suck."

[@dedicated_plant024]

Exactly

[@jpraise6771]

Folks! today is a new day, let it be a new start for you with the Almighty Jesus Christ. God awaits you✝️

[@THGMR-ox7sd]

No wonder the CPUs suck 😂

[@LaykaTheWuffinator]

If he wanted a better example. I took no shortcuts, didn't drift, drove off the map, crashed, ran into hazards, ran into dropped items and even intentionally stopped to let CPUs pass me on Normal and still won. On Hard they're a bit more goofy though. Really steamed my hams in that test...

[@DictatePM]

I'm feeling gutsy

[@mr.l6029]

?

[@ImriGD]

Beanzard wanted to do turnskip in WGM, he failed it like five times​@@mr.l6029

[@FrancoisTremblay]

Aw, dangit!

[@skyro4444]

Pov: you don't have wiimmfi

[@Bupboy]

Or you don't own a wii and can't play online Edit: YUP OK I GET IT RETRO REWIND

[@hayato1886]

​@@BupboyYou can now with Retro Rewind at least. You just have to enable the Wiilink option in dolphin and you can play it online which is very cool

[@worldsupermedia7509]

@@Bupboyif you’re referring to Wii Mode on the Wii U, it’s still possible to get CTGP and Wiimmfi on it

[@Bupboy]

@worldsupermedia7509 no im talking dolphin emulator

[@jimrdm71]

Don’t even remind me (Because I don’t)

[@Simoran]

Hubris took full control on that failed lap skip lmfao. Man's biggest weakness: looking cool.

[@Bupboy]

Yet that doesnt stop waluigi from throwing me into lava after tricking off a ramp 😔

[@youtubecomments2740]

26:36 Daedalus: Do you WANT the wax to melt? Icarus: Lol. Lmao.

[@stylesrj]

"I'm sure the sun can't be THAT hot now can it?"

[@Miss_Rydia]

12:30 "I'm feeling gutsy." He says, making the same mistake for the third time in a row. Hahaha, I love your videos! They've got a sort of interesting and calming vibe to them.

[@beanzard64]

Thanks haha, glad you like them (-:

[@tchomsdaguy]

0:24 no, they do in fact wheelie

[@Vorbino_GD]

Next: beating the CPUs with the jet setter and without items

[@supersmilyface1]

Question: No items enabled, or no using any items?

[@Vorbino_GD]

@@supersmilyface1 no using any items

[@parad0x200]

The CPUS are crazy when I’m trying to practice 😭 Like, it’s lap 3, I’m miles ahead, there are no blue shells, then suddenly I get blued, random greened, target shocked, and get blued 3 more times IN THE SPAN OF LIKE 10 SECONDS

[@chajas5529]

Yeah like, you can never get a break from the CPUs

[@JEKaviator]

Cool video! I think that lapping a cpu on BC3 was a vintage TWD98 challenge if I remember correctly

[@tobysimmonds487]

I feel like doing Mushroom Gorge first would have been better since it's so rng based that if it was a bad run you could restart it without having to loose all your old progress. Well done with the challenge!!!!

[@funkyscott47]

"I'm feeling Gutsy" 😆

[@Parcel_GT]

FUNKYSCOTT

[@khgaming_kai]

23:47 while the ENTIRETY of this video is interesting, seeing mario with the "loss" pose made me realize that the moment all players are done, the CPUs INSTANTLY finish the race. I know i know, the score screen appears, but i still find it neat.

[@beanzard64]

I don't think I'd ever noticed that either, nice observation

[@khgaming_kai]

@@beanzard64 thanks!

[@noobula7]

26:35 hubris was your downfall

[@EbroGame64]

1:32 idk if that was an intended shortcut. But it looks like an ultra shortcut. You know passing a whole ass 11 npcs with one "shortcut" damn...

[@nyon7209]

It's a very good, definitely unintended shortcut, but Ultra Shortcuts have a technical definition which (apparently) doesn't apply to it.

[@tuckertechnolord6126]

Ultra shortcut means skipping key checkpoints, which this doesn’t do at all. Mario kart wii just doesn’t have good key checkpoints. Ultra shortcut is like the grumble volcano rock for example

[@turbinegraphics16]

Pretty cool, a thing I used to do in old racing games I found too easy is go backwards on the first lap and see if I could still win.

[@grimanium]

Once had an interesting interaction on yoshi falls, basically peach was the number two CPU ( third overall ) and was driving pretty well getting no placements under third. Now in Yoshi Falls she wanted to go through the first water Fall, I didn't tho and I actually bumped her up to the bridge by mistake xDD Peach then was just aggressively driving against the railing and eventually managed to drive straight into the abyss. Once she finally respawned every single CPU had already lapped her xDD In my 8 race GP her placements were: 2,3,3,1,2,3,12,3 hahaha

[@beanzard64]

I think Yoshi Falls might have a bug, I've never seen the CPUs literally drive backwards anywhere else

[@Pjiwm]

12:24 Someone arrest this man.

[@heinricha]

hi john backflip

[@Pjiwm]

@@heinricha Hello, this is John's dad mr. Backflip speaking. John fell on his butt doing backflips so he'll not be on the computer for a while.

[@MamaTrixxieAsmr]

Kaaaaaarmaaaaaa poliiiiiiice Arrest this man

[@bluntslt8023]

26:32 🤣🤣i knew this would happen i was like nah don't risk it

[@SirLampsALot]

I’m surprised you didn’t choose DK Summit because it has a large shortcut (the double) and is a track that the cpus are very bad at (falling into the chasm) plus there are all kinds of smaller shortcuts that save time like on every zipper and the 3 small ramps

[@tensixtyoclock]

they're bad at driving fast so they throw twelve million items at you when they see you in first place

[@girlbuu9403]

"The CPUs are awful." Has them on easy in a game made for children

[@danielcrump8254]

When I used to play Mario Kart Wii I remember lapping the CPUs on Mushroom Gorge pretty consistently. They really struggle with that track it seems like

[@worm.on.a.string.]

They're good at mirror mode, though normally because they're hard and don't have the factor of visually being thrown off. Besides that yeah they suck.

[@tiziocomunista6993]

"oh yeah, im cracked" restarts

[@04123a]

the failed gap cut physically hurt me. we love u too tho bean

[@Purplexium]

First failing the optional gap jump to then getting the gap jump needed to lap the CPU was a spectacular ending

[@JTLawson_P]

Do this on normal items and maybe then I’ll subscribe, take the challenge Bean. You got a Birdo WR, don’t let my challenge go undefeated.

[@beanzard64]

Thank you for the donation! Regular items would just make it less consistent, instead of pulling shrooms in last I'd be pulling bullets or shocks

[@JTLawson_P]

@@beanzard64 Shocks suck, but hey I subscribed anyway. Keep up with the juicy content 😌 you never know what challenge awaits you next.

[@brunomcleod]

7:59 That was one hell of a mushroom bounce 💀

[@kart5486]

Not sure if this counts for anything, but almost exclusively on rMR, you can actually drive Lap 1 backwards on both easy and medium difficulty, and then drive forwards and still get first place (I did so on DB Flameflyer).

[@tzarg]

"I'm not a good Rainbow Road Player" *proceeds to not fall off a million times*

[@shrimplysop]

Ive been slowly chipping away at this video for a few days now (i put on youtube videos to sleep) and ive gotta say 10/10 very chill and a very neat topic

[@beanzard64]

Thanks! I'm glad

[@Double-X2-Points]

I loved the concept, enjoyed your initial (keyword initial) comparison of bagging vs not bagging for shrooms to determine the proper strat, but then when you decided to abandon the strat that allowed you to lap like 6 vehicles and instead opted for the one that kneecaps you from the starting line I had to take an ultra shortcut out of the video. Still great work but maybe pay more attention to "what is working and what isnt". Or dont, thats just my 2 cents (if youd bagged it would have rolled a 10 cent piece instead probly).

[@slitheredboyz]

You never stop surprising me with your awesome content, on top of that well done on 30k man, you’ve deserved this all the way!

[@beanzard64]

Thank you dude!

[@VixMKW]

They would be better if they mained super blooper imo

[@beanzard64]

True

[@VixMKW]

@@beanzard64 Or you could lap them twice using it lol

[@trumancremers6337]

The hubris of going for the gap cut

[@Lebon19]

bean: CPUs are bad. me: I can't even drive as good as you so the CPUs are actually good for me. (I mean, I can still finish first on all cups at 150cc)

[@qsxsqsxs]

Love the Suikoden II music! :D

[@TGSharkman]

I had a bit of a hard time with them tbh

[@Bupboy]

Yeah im ngl the harder cpu's on 150cc messed up my star ranks a few times

[@ImTired009]

13:14 I've played Super Mario Sunshine and i've never knew the names of the duck on Peach Beach! (Also great vid!)

[@beanzard64]

Thanks!

[@MurtazaPirani]

I instantly thought of DKM and DKS, since those maps have pretty good shroomless shortcuts and theres considerable tech involved that cpu's don't do good whatsoever

[@RDGamer321]

Him blowing the final shortcut on the winning run has the same energy as those mountain bikers who celebrate before coming to the line just to have 2nd place sneak it out from under them.

[@saraclover7084]

amazing video! next video you should do the jetsetter video but with the piranha prowler

[@AmaroqStarwind]

CPU: Central Processing Unit, the thing that the game is running on. Don't fight the CPU, for by processing your inputs, it always wins on a technicality. All jokes aside... You should see what 1600 cc looks like, as that would be equivalent to 1.6 liter engine displacement. That's F1 territory! :D

[@TehVulpez]

0:40 the beep sound made me think my smoke detector needed new batteries lol

[@FuzziPlaysMSM]

I just saw 13 htf episodes in a row, on the front page of KZbin. KZbin got crazy luck

[@fallgg2965]

I love when you make long videos i enjoy watching you everytime and congratulations on the coconut mall WR I love when you lap the cpu and you use the sound in super mario 64 red coin

[@ZMysticFox]

I love your content beanzard. Keep doing what you're doing.

[@beanzard64]

Thank you!

[@neb64]

13:04 in competitive team formats, the pow is called, just like a shock or blue shell. U can do a surprising amount with it lol

[@almond-ul8ce]

okay so i’ve been watching the mk tree video, and also the time trials video, but i didnt notice that they were both by you. i went to your channel today and i was like WAIT WHAT

[@beanzard64]

Thanks for watching!

[@mkwpatsfan]

Come on Beanzard you can get the CM Glitch World Record back!

[@beanzard64]

I think I'm good on CM for now. Maybe I'll play it again sometime, but probably not for WR.

[@BLJMARIOSM64]

@@beanzard64 try getting crash% mkds world record not second place

[@clairofmemories]

i randomly saw this pop up in my recommended and was super suprised by the Tomodachi Collection music being at the start, i love that game

[@titusr]

I don't know if you tried racing the Retro Rewind staff ghosts but I'm having the time of my life trying to beat them. It's pretty challenging but super fun. Maybe that's interesting for a video or something... Great video, as always btw ❤

[@ZynSays]

I think you might have far better odds if you play splitscreen MP with a bad player. Though perhaps that's not in the spirit of the challenge, I recall lapping NPCs playing with my family when I was young.

[@bjark4.792]

Daisy with Mach bike is a little faster than Funky kong.

[@dolphinhat]

15:33 the funniest edit you've ever done thank you for that

[@sonicwaveinfinitymiddwelle8555]

I remember back in 2018 when I grinded for 3 stars cups the CPUs lapped another CPU in mushroom gorge 💀💀 Edit: craziest part is the CPU which they lapped was baby Mario which was the one who bean lapped in this video

[@kacey258]

you have the perfect voice for relaxing background noise omg

[@kiraramax2066]

have the CPU race on the infamous Mushroom Peaks custom track, they struggle so hard on that track, same to a lot of players

[@kingbouncer1314]

I read some of the comments taking about a screw up at mushroom gorge. When i came to MC at the video I figured it would be about the burnout. Oh how wrong i was.

[@nolanfischer4855]

What happened to most of your other videos? Like the no VR loss challenge, hide and seek mod, and the tournament mode?

[@beanzard64]

I decided to Private them, Nintendo was cracking down on another channel of a similar size because of mod content and I didn't want to risk being next.

[@nolanfischer4855]

@@beanzard64 :(

[@JustaGuy_Gaming]

To be fair it's nothing new. Most games just hide this problem by letting the CPU's cheat in some way. Getting insane power up luck or just effectively teleporting around if off screen in some games. A lot of games just have the enemy racers always be "just behind you" so if you make a mistake they pass you by, but if you don't your fine.

[@g21pizza]

Fun fact, you can get triple mushrooms in 3rd

[@mystere_fn]

I know this is random but the Street Fighter music in the background towards the middle of the video was so nastalgic

[@kaito-dimension-purple]

I'm feeling gutsy!

[@The_Deep_Blue]

this is the game equivalent of bullying kids at a playground as an adult

[@Aether52]

ngl, I've lapped "hard" cpus countless times with aggro items just due to the sheer chaos it ensues. Perhaps give aggro items a shot?

[@mk8-mkwil117]

CPU are bad on easy but they will get harder to as they hard difficulty they will rubber band faster u go the faster the CPUs try to keep up with u on tracks that aren’t rainbow road especially in the later games where they give up on rainbow road.

[@biggestcheezburger]

i had a stroke reading this

[@Max-fh7ij]

Wtf is bro talking about 🗣️🗣️ ⁉️❓❓🔥🔥

[@mk8-mkwil117]

@@Max-fh7ij it’s about the cpus rubber band on different difficulty levels how they will speed up to catch up to u as u try to go faster to say in 1st

[@singularity564]

I couldn’t believe that the gap cut got you 😭

[@silvesta5027]

I wanted to see Moo meadows, N64 bowser's castle and DS desert hills. I think all of them could've been good choices too. Mushroom Gorge is so RNG heavy I'm sure there are easier tracks in the game somewhere

[@peng_wii_knee]

Now beat Hard CPUs waiting for them to finish lap 1 before starting 👀

[@Jynxcursed]

WHEN YOU SAID NOTHING CAN STOP ME, MY VIDEO FROZE AND MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS “lag can” 💀

[@coledavidson5630]

You should probably have done BC3 and Mushroom Gorge as the first 2 tracks for the GP each time, then you would waste less time if you messed up or got bad rng on one of them. Putting Gorge at the end was definitely a terrible plan lol

[@Samsungor]

Bad enough to still body me on leaf cup

[@steamysoles]

the intense CPUs on retrorewind would end ur life even the default hard CPUs on some custom track distributions are wild lol, on some custom tracks on like variety pack the CPUs are total gods

[@RGBSupremacy]

Love your videos! Would you ever try out double dash on the channel? The controls are very different and itd be interesting to see how someone who is good at mk wii handle that. If not that’s okay, keep up the great work! :)

[@beanzard64]

Thanks! I've got Double Dash on my list, I just gotta come up with an idea for it

[@RGBSupremacy]

@@beanzard64 That’s exciting to hear! I’ll definitely keep an eye out for it then

[@zNestrian]

I got a mini hearth attack for a moment with that intro

[@chajas5529]

What is a hearth attack?

[@L4zY_RaT]

@@chajas5529 “A heart attack, also called a myocardial infarction, happens when a part of the heart muscle doesn't get enough blood. The more time that passes without treatment to restore blood flow, the greater the damage to the heart muscle.” - CDC

[@chajas5529]

@@L4zY_RaTI know what a heart attack is. I just want to know what a "hearth attack" is.

[@nemdot_]

its so hard to focus on the video when you play these banger songs

[@jevontesmith-v2j]

I would like to see this challenge again but this time lapping the cpu's 8 races in a row

[@BinglesP]

Fun fact: I've been playing Mario Kart 8 Deluxe's DLC stages for the first time recently, and I've actually done laps around some of the CPUs on 50cc* Grand Prix. And that's even with my added confusion towards the Tour tracks' design structure before I picked up on it. I'm not even a competitive player, I just play Toad with a drift/trick-boost-optimized min-max build for fun. (*My usual is 100/150cc btw I just did 50 because they were new to me, and didn't play in a long time beforehand.)

[@TigerClamory10]

12:59 How about target powing players on a corner? On Rainbow Road, N64 Bowser Castle and many more tracks you have corners where people will lose a lot of time if you use your pow correctly. The pow is one of the most strategic items imo (if you know how to use it), so I disagree.

[@ThatGuy-te9wh]

2:59 - the hell happened with that shell?

[@Dr-Random]

0:22 i think the computer players do wheelies, but it’s fairly uncommon

[@Dr-Random]

9:15 lol, that’s why you need to be sixteen to drive

[@User1924-se]

There was one time I was playing Grand Prix and one cpu just chose to stop moving for a whole lap, once I caught up to bowser, he just starting going again

[@craftodude3267]

6:53 bro i literaly just played that track in Mario Kart DS

[@montyvr6772]

Your description implies that CPU is shorthand for computer but that is not the case, it is an abbreviation of Central Processing Unit.

[@andreworders7305]

A custom GP feature in the game would be nice

[@semajniomet981]

`13:20 I regret to inform you that the Cataquacks don't go after AIs. If they happen to run into them they will spin out, but the CPUs won't get chased down like the player will.

[@tzarg]

huh, interesting

[@semajniomet981]

I naturally treat Cataquacks like the plague - I always played offline, so I've never known them to not want to treat me like a toy.

[@ミア-n2d]

you can actually beat this challenge in other mario kart games too! just as long as baby park exists!

[@tommo120]

I unexpectedly got very invested in your journey

[@cs-7]

Baby Peach, Birdo, Peach, Donky Kong, are my enemies. I hate them. They're out to get me every single time. And I don't know why. But I love King Boo, Rosalina, Mario, Daisy, and Jr. I've never had a problem with them.