How Do I Have the “Sex Talk” With My Teenager?

How Do I Have the “Sex Talk” With My Teenager?
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[@rocsib9551]

I agree with John. At 13, his son more than likely knows everything he is going to tell him. My daughter is 9, and we’ve had this conversation. (Age appropriate of course). When she asks a question, we answer honestly, for her age. If we don’t have these conversations with our children, they will get a lot of misinformation from other sources. Plus, I don’t want her to feel this weird distortion about sexuality, and not understand what’s going on with her body later on.

[@JustinCase780]

He knows everything. At 13, 100%.

[@juliennetully4814]

I did not know everything until I was sixteen and that was because I grew up in an ultra conservative and sheltered lifestyle

[@mattgowans547]

As a single dad to a 9 year old girl, how do you have this conversation?? I'm dreading it lol

[@mightyfox6902]

@@mattgowans547 you don't! just ask your wife or mother to have a have conversation with your daughter its best that way.

[@mattgowans547]

@@mightyfox6902 what if that's not an option?

[@dsma06]

For me, who my parents told me nothing. When I brought up my daughter, it started when she was around 2, naming body parts (the correct names) then as she got older and wanted to know about the pads in the bathroom, how babies were made, it's an ongoing conversation that doesn't start at 13. My daughter and I can now talk about everything.

[@megalopolis2015]

[@ashleyb940]

Yes to having the conversation earlier! My parents avoided "the talk" and so I heard it from my middle school friends 🤦‍♀️

[@morgankm]

Dr John please write a book on this topic

[@elkejansevanrensburg4692]

I second that!

[@maryedge8666]

Please write a book on this!!!!

[@MsEMAJOR]

I bought this book for my six year old about bodies and sex and babies. Forgot all about it and he brought it to me the other day saying he wasn’t sure if he should be reading it and he turns to a page of two fully naked (cartoon) adults with their body parts labeled. I was so excited that he showed me and we had a whole convo about it. We’re demystifying sexuality over here! 😄

[@jerusalem4492]

That’s not sexuality. That’s biology.

[@MsEMAJOR]

@@jerusalem4492 Gee thanks. I know the difference. I told a story and then said what we were doing in my house. No where did I say one was the other. They are related, not the same. Thank you for the unsolicited “correction”.

[@maryedge8666]

As a new mom of a 4 month old baby boy, this has been SO HELPFUL!!!! My husband and I were just talking the other night about how to have age appropriate conversations with our son in the future about sex.

[@megalopolis2015]

That is so cool that you two are already developing a strategy about it together. What teamwork. That baby struck gold with the two of you.

[@devanficken8643]

I have small children (6 &4) both boys. I was a very curious child and asked questions, and as a result I knew basically everything by 6 in an age appropriate way! I knew body parts, what a male body produced and a female body produced, etc. I was young enough that it wasn’t weird, I didn’t ask friends at school because I already knew from trusted sources-parents. And I’m thankful for that! I’ve always planned to answer my kids questions truthfully when they ask. The thing is, they haven’t asked 😂 So, for those who are ahead of me in the parenting journey, if your kids aren’t asking about it, would you bring it up? And at what age?

[@libbyneefe1075]

I am in the same exact boat with my daughter who is six. My mom was always super open and honest about answering all my questions, and I figured I would do the same with my daughter. I just assumed “mommy where do babies come from?” would’ve come up by now and I could’ve taken it from there. She hasn’t asked though, so I’m struggling with how to bring it up.

[@revampmylife]

This is such a great show. We have always had open conversations with our kids (age appropriate) but my twins are 16 (pigeon pair) and my son came to me to said: "Mom, 16 is the age where most boys are loosing their virginity, so just know that it's coming" I talked to him about respect and that he has to remember the first time is a big thing, especially for a girl, and that he needs to respect it and when it does happen, he needs to be prepared, so he asked if I could buy him condoms so he can be safe and that he's not going to jumps straight into sex with anyone, but there are many things that can happen before. I still think 16 is quite young. But at least my son is talking about it to myself and my husband. My daughter is also talking about it and that she is not ready for the physical side of the relationship. I am also very proud of her to not be influenced by peer pressure and making up her own mind about what she is comfortable with and what not. What is also great is that both our kids talk to either one of us if they have a question. We have the same rule, who ever gets the question answers the question, they are always able to ask the other parent their view as well.

[@kcourtney6826]

The “sex talk” should take place when they are younger and it needs to be explicit. As a former educator for middle school, these kids are performing “oral” sex like giving out handshakes if the parents don’t educate their kids someone else will.

[@billrich5217]

When I first read the title I missed the “talk” portion of the title.

[@pmeehan_3]

I'm 55 now and never had a good relationship with my parents. I realize now they have/had their own issues. But the "sex talk" my mom had with me I was in my young twenties, already dating AND living with my bf. One day I go over to visit her and she just said I hope you're not having sex. I looked at her like well this is inappropriate.

[@lemongrabthesecond]

Patti, that's absolutely hilarious. Like you're in your 20s co-habitating, lol what?

[@CyeOutsider]

I have talked to my son about sex since he was about 7 or 8 - but always in a age appropriate way. He had questions so i always tried to answer them openly and without any embarrassment or shame. My parents never did that for me. He's nearly 11 now and has a good basic understanding of it. Its a good foundation for us to keep talking as he gets older when we will have to have more detailed and serious conversations about consent, pregnancy and STIs. Its better to start young. especially if you want to protect them from predators.

[@davidbonatz1275]

The other thing I have seen parents get all flustered talking to their children about is finances/money. Sure there are things like allowances, but I am talking about things like budgets, interest rates, different types of debt, hazards of credit cards, and taxes. And the end result is very similar. Luckily if they do screw up and end up in a mountain of debt they can head over to Dave Ramsey to get all straighten out.

[@megalopolis2015]

There are books on the subject of discussing this kind of thing in age appropriate ways. (I wish Dr. John mentioned a couple of good titles). One thing that helps is observing how the kids talk, then take their lead by speaking as closely to that level of cognitive development and style possible (without patronizing), so they'll understand better, won't feel talked down to, and the information conveyed won't be too much or too little. Getting a couple of books on cognitive and overall development would help, too. Once a child starts going through puberty, for instance, incorporating that in is a good thing, because once the hormones start going, they'll think they're (the hormones, and possibly the kids) running the show, and it's important to acknowledge the feeling of that, as well as ways to stay healthy through that time, especially since society preaches too often to not fight any urge or to take any responsibility. Genuine responsibility isn't about what you put on or in your body for protection nearly as much as on and in the heart and mind. Being a grown-up isn't just about what you can do, but about making decisions and handling consequences. It's up to us to get all this information, remember what it was like for us, and relay it to our children in small amounts at a time and responsibly, with respect and caring. My Love, prayers, and encouragement go with all parents who are navigating this mine field of postmodernism with their kids. ❤

[@coxrocks25]

With my daughter I stared talking about this basically from infantcy by just using correct terminology for anatomy. Other conversations just start coming after that

[@MabelRD08]

In hispanic culture,the parents never open up and discuss sex topic; it's very taboo and scary and comes from generation to generation. In Europe they're a lot more open which I feel is important. Thanks for another great video 🫶🌟💕💯

[@donnaallgaier-lamberti3933]

I knew my husband would not have this talk with our sons, so I had to do something. What I did was buy books and leave them on my oldest son's bed. I did not want him to feel embarrassed so this was my best option in the 1980's (this was before the Internet.) I did my best given my situation.

[@MattTerrell-gc9vw]

Devices for a child is a hard one. The whole world is based around tech now. It's almost a necessity. We just need to educate the kids like John said

[@dannydillard1911]

I'll never forget reading a book at age 10 that was my first real comprehensive anatomy book, regarding the reproductive systems. Very scientific and informative. Then my mom looks over to my dad and goes, "guess what [kid] is reading about right now? PENISES! hahahahaha" and up to that point I was just taking in pure information but now it was "funny."

[@Anketam]

Or you could be like me. Dad gave my older brother the talk when he came of age. Then when my sister came of age my mom gave her the talk. Then when I came of age... they forgot.

[@taklfarms2575]

Lol 13..... I have a boy that is 9 and we are about to go over the bees this summer

[@Blu_Slime]

Can you just write a book on parenting?

[@Kamingo170]

Theres literally never been a reason in recent past for any parent to have a sex talk with their kid honestly

[@CyeOutsider]

That's a really myopic and dangerous view. Conversations about consent, unwanted pregnancies, and STIs are vital today, and you can't rely on schools do it with religious nutcases blocking science based sex education at every turn.

[@Kamingo170]

@@CyeOutsider That's a good point actually.

[@suzanacaetano7390]

❤JOHN❤

[@parzivallampruge2549]

I believe there is no way to 100% monitor a kids phone activity. I remember watching porn on ifunny coming up to hide it from my parents.

[@towpottsfam7631]

Theres a good book called LETS TALK ABOUT SEX i think for ages 10 and up. I have gone through this at that age just before they have learnt it formally at school. So that when they were Covering it at school they already knew. Prior to this i read other age appropriate books about bodies, babies, very basic paragraph on sex to my boy and girl (separately). We go through it over a couple of months, with lots of discussion and questions and then they get to keep the book, having gone through it together so they can refer back to it. Also emphasise that they can always ask and i will do best to answer or find out answer... discussion on good sources of info. Keep it chilled. also give them a book about body changes in puberty. Regards relationships and consent etc.these topics are in the books but is on going drip feeding of values about consent, respect, how to treat others. I also do this for my job so i guess im lucky i dont get freaked out about it...

[@deeanna8448]

John is so right about it being too late at 13. By 13, I had bare bones sex ed at school, nothing from my parents, and A LOT of misinformation from other 13 yesr olds😂

[@Shay-yg7nm]

When I was 13 my mom put condoms in my siblings and I Christmas stockings and said.. Use protection and don't get pregnant or get anyone pregnant. Well.. it worked lol.

[@9liveslisa]

Here's how my parents handled "the talk" when I was young: My mother: Sex is great. Don't be afraid of it and enjoy it. My father: (He was a doctor) "If you want to have sex, get on the Pill." I thought they were both ridiculous. lol! Note: Neither conversation was solicited. I was just a kid and I had no idea why they were bringing this stuff up.

[@towpottsfam7631]

There's no such thing as child porn

[@elkejansevanrensburg4692]

What?

[@towpottsfam7631]

@@elkejansevanrensburg4692 "child porn" would imply complicit child actors etc. What goes around is child sexual abuse images and footage of children being r@ped

[@jpmasters-aus]

I agree that the sex talk at 13 in 7 or 8 years too late. When one of my kids was on porn at 12 and my ex-wife and I received alerts from the software. My ex wanted me to deal with the ‘issue’ and wanted him to be punished. I decided if I was ‘forced’ to deal with this, I would manage it my way to avoid the horrors of my youth. I talked to the 12 yo, trying to identify why they were accessing porn (which was at the lighter end), and realised it was really our fault because because we hadn’t been open enough and regular enough about sex/body etc, and they were interested in the looks of a person of the opposite sex. Part of the conversation with the 12yo was about the issues of the porn industry, how some people are caught into for money to survive. So I tried as hard as I could to take this potentially a negative event in to a positive learning experience and to keep a relation open. Later on, because that kid went to a conservative Christian school, it was obvious to me that their high school PDHPE program was not of depth I believe required. So during one of the programs, if I recall about year 9, and the parents were expected to attend a seminar before the program started, I used that as an opportunity to do the condom practice, I demonstrated it, I then asked them to try, and left them with a couple. One of the key things I did was to ensure with each kid was to try to have an atleast a 30 min drive weekly (and as much as possible the same time per week). When you’re driving as the parent and have to look forward, I found with my kids that as their was no face to face contact, there were ‘awkward’ conversation that both of us could raise and discuss. In relation to the child that went to the Christian School, that denominate is against (some would say is at war) wtih LGBTIQA+ people. On one of those drives I raised what their understanding and views were on LGBTIQA+ people. They acknowledged there was a gay person in their class, we talked about alternative views on the existence of LGBTIQA+ people. Fortunately from our ‘human rights’ discussions at earlier times, they were pretty much in a good place, and just some tweeking offering were make. (Little did I know then, that around 3-4 years later I would come out). I have offer the driving model for difficult conversations, with the following cavets. 1) Unless the discussion is about suicidality, and it is stressing you out as the driver, never stop the car. Even if suiciality comes up and you are able to engage in the conversation, keep driving. 2) Teens are often looking for a reaction, when driving never react, do as much listening as you can, and when you speak, do so in a normal calm and positive voice. If you break these two cavets, the conversational benefits of the regular drive will disappear. I came out to the kids when the oldest finished their final year 12 exam, and the younger was a few months from completing year 10. It wasn’t that much of an issue for the kids. When we are parents seperated, one of the first things I did at my home (which the older lived with me permanently, and the younger went between us weekly, then part way through uni ended up staying with me permanently, and has now started their professional career still lives with me) was to put a bowl on the kitchen table and filled it with condoms of various sizes and individual packets of lube. For the six months I didn’t say anything, and later just asked if they had any concerns with the bowl being in public view in our home. Both said no, and I continued with I will always be filling the bowl up if needed, I don’t want them to be caught short if they need any. When the older had their first relationship towards the end of Uni, and their partner was having some issues with their living arrangement, I simply said to both, they were offered a double bed in the latest home but unlike their younger, hadn’t got around to talking about what bedding they wanted. So we very quickly decided with their partner whether a double bed or a queen double would be better. This ment them having my bed for a few hours to understand the size different. The new bed was ordered and delivered within a few days. Having come out, and discovering how the LGBTIQA+ community talks so much freer and to a much better level around sex and sexuality, I was freed from the more conservative perspective, which was very freeing for me around converations in their mid to late teen conversations (which did get a bit of ‘Jesus Dad, do we really have to talk about this now’ (excuse the expletive), and the response was alway yes now or soon after that was probably more a conflicting time for them.

[@druechermak8573]

69th upvote