How The Fearful Avoidant Experiences A Relationship With An Anxious Preoccupied | Thais Gibson

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In this video, I talk about how the fearful avoidant experiences a relationship with an anxious preoccupied.
What are some of the themes you have been able to identify in your own relationships with people with these attachment styles?
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
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#FearfulAvoidant #AnxiousPreoccupied #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #PDS #ThaisGibson #AttachmentStyles #Enmeshment #Boundaries #FeelingsAsFeedback
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[@roshalllambert]

Thais has a course on the relationship between all attachment styles!

[@nickbarbosa21]

Seems like its almost impossible for the FA to not flip flop :/ Even in my relationship with an attachment aware FA she still flip flopped and left multiple times Best advice for all is to NOT STOP just with knowledge and awareness. You need to REPOGRAM in order for things to work out. If not, the subconscious mind will win always

[@jamesjohnson6309]

I’m an AP and ended things with an FA. It’s really hard. She had issues with communicating and fearing conflict. Being shut out and pushed away was taking a toll on me and things weren’t changing.

[@alainpatry]

I hear you on that!

[@nicholasbrassard3512]

I hope things are better my man. Im an AP in a relationship with an FA, but ive communicated my needs and hoping to see change or else I'll have to do like you. Her difficulty communicating, fear of commitment and pushing away to the point of avoiding sex is brutal. I love her and she's a great person, but god damn

[@lilmisssunshine14]

I feel you. I am AP and was with a FA for 7 years. We had a good relationship but his fear of commitment got triggered when talking about marriage and he walked away.

[@paninilena]

I can relate to all your comments. I

[@gregoryritchie7852]

I'm an FA who lost a great AP love due to my continual "push-pull" behavior. I failed to communicate leaving her in the dark - and she left. I did it to myself.

[@Ben-ru9ju]

I’m an FA in PDS in the getting to know you phase with an AP. This is 💯 spot on! I’m healed and educated enough to know the dynamic but it’s still happening. I’m like, “oh there goes my anxious side” then a few minutes later “and we’re back to avoidant.” 😂 PDS is amazing for healing and education.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

Good point that the FAs can feel bad or guilty after they act volatile

[@justinjbolyard]

Guilty of this!

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@@alyssahockensmith1098 You feel guilty after acting volatile?

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@@alyssahockensmith1098 I hear ya! And good openness & honesty :)

[@couch_philosoph3325]

I feel horrible once i come back from the deactivation. I never understood it in past relationships. But i have been working on myself and for the past year there has not been conflict where i said something purposefully hurtful or mean. Of course that doesn't mean i was perfect and still apologized, but i can happily say i just took space until i calmed down or talked through it

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@@couch_philosoph3325 Good work! :)

[@m_hall]

I'm looking forward to "when fearful meets dismissive" video. I was recently in a short relationship with a dismissive, and while I was definitely extra stressed from other life factors (work, house remodel, etc) I showed up as straight up anxiously attached. It was really weird, and I used to think I was actually dismissive avoidant at one point. I think as I've learned more about attachment theory I've gone from avoidant to more anxious, but I think that might be a sign of moving toward secure hopefully.

[@brookelight2090]

I think the difference between avoidant and AP is that when triggered, are you activating or deactivating?

[@katieandnick4113]

Dismissive avoidants can make even the most secure people feel anxious.

[@Julsies7]

That doesn’t say anything about you becoming more secure. It means you’re an FA and so when you’re with a DA, you become anxious. If that was an impactful relationship or something that triggered you, you are likely still in that anxious phase.

[@zackhanks8820]

I am an AP dating an FA. She’s been breaking up with me and coming back at least three times in the last 2 years now. Yesterday she broke up with me again over silly minor things that built up. She never communicates, and would go cold when I communicate my needs. It’s just so difficult with her. She would be so in love and when I start reciprocating she goes 100% cold ice. I don’t abuse her or cheat on her. I treat her like a gentleman would and yet she keeps breaking up with me. One time she broke up with because I wasn’t calling enough. Another time she broke up with me cause I was showing her affection. She comes up with things and accuses me of thinking of things I wasn’t even thing about. OMg it’s just so difficult with the FA

[@primerdimers]

Can we hear more of your personal stories? Found them meaningful :) thank you Thais

[@DopeyDetector]

To my fellow APs, get therapy. If you love a FA, they can change, they should work on themselves, but YOU need to improve your anxiety so you can give your partner what they need to feel free to improve Its difficult. It suxks sometimes But YOU must work on you so you feel secure enough to give them space to realize they love you, and they need to improve Youll always have issues, like all couples, but you can overcome My advice: Know your partner. We are programmed to read people because of our trauma. Ise your superpower to know what your fa needs, even when they don't! Give a lot of reassurance. Tell tjem they're great. Be specific. Don't be afraid to be romantic or loving. You wont always get it back right away, but it will help them and eventually help your relationship Be consistent even when they aren't Model the behavior you want in a relationship, but be willing to meet them halfway, too Get therapy! ❤

[@gregorystinette8271]

This sounds like too much work ; I think I'll just hang out with my dog. Shalom

[@nbee6217]

😂lol it won't hurt to educate yourself. Love shows up unexpectedly. You don't want to regret having been unprepared.

[@gregorystinette8271]

@@nbee6217 /.nah, no thanks

[@lifeform106]

Communication is key 🔑

[@freedomfinancial]

video starts at 2:18

[@DopeyDetector]

Durrr

[@howtosober]

Ultimately, what all of this content points to for me is that the only real way to have worthwhile relationships and get your needs met is to become securely attached yourself and then go attract and partner with other securely attached people. IF you're insecure and partnered with another insecure attachment type AND you're both actively, committedly, doing the work together, then MAYBE that could turn out well. But from my perspective, coaching on how to "deal with" you and your partners' insecure attachment styles in order to make the relationship work just isn't worth the amount of labor and investment. Be healthy and attract healthy people. The work of becoming healthy has to happen either way, so why bother with all the obstructions of trying to do that work while wasting time and energy trying to get someone else to become healthy too?

[@howtosober]

@@evadebruijn You don't have to be in a relationship with everyone you fall for.

[@brookelight2090]

@@howtosober I wasn’t in any relationship with any of the avoidant, we were just flirting and feeling, just kissing no sex yet. Then even at this stage is too close for DA/FA, they run away. WTF!

[@brookelight2090]

This is a great point. But my dilemma is that how to avoid avoidant from the beginning, like in flirting stage? All avoidant men acted like a secure person in the beginning. They pursue, they listen, until they catch a real feeling for you then they run away. Then as AP, we are triggered by discard. Although I managed to not chase after them just like a secure person do, but the hurt stayed. How to avoid avoidant in the beginning? Why all men I’m attracted to, even in the beginning, are avoidant?

[@J80199]

@@brookelight2090Easy… first date. “Tell me about your relationship with your parents” That will tell you exactly how it’s going to be 👍🏽

[@sagarwadgaonkar7580]

This was 100% true of my relationship with an FA partner. I'm FA but lean AP and she was FA leaning DA. I can't stress enough how enmeshed and comfortable we were with each other for the first 2 months (especially during the 2 weeks when we were away for the Holidays and only communicating virtually). I felt more comfortable being vulnerable and communicating with her in thr first 2 months than people I've been with for a year or more. And yet after 2 months a shift started taking place and she wanted to slow things down and rapidly withdrew. She ended up ending things a few weeks later. There was also a complicated situation with her ex, which exacerbated matters. It's nice to see that my experience is in line with what can be expected of this dynamic. Quite the whirlwind!

[@alainpatry]

WOW! Word for word my FA partner (or ex). Fantastic video that helped take a huge burden off my AP shoulders as I was really taking things personally. Still doesn't excuse her behaviour of constantly pushing me away after periods of closeness, as well as suddenly engaging in flaw finding, and irrational behaviors stemming from distrust and suspicions of me having other women in my life. She watches some of these videos so I'm not sure why she's not on board to heal our relationship. In my opinion we could definitely make this work if she wanted it to.

[@jennie22.02]

the last part of this comes off as a little indirect

[@alainpatry]

@@jennie22.02 I agree. But when the FA ghosts and there is full stonewalling, this is a last resort. Happy you caught that! ;)

[@weruleyoudrool]

I bet you triangulated her tho. Lol

[@StylesArmstrong]

@@weruleyoudrool I share these vids with my FA. I'm self aware that I hope to reconnect but to honestly share. Cause they have wanted to heal as well. I'm an AP and have accepted that if they come back cool and if not its alright too. but shared it for the both of us. As even separated doesn't mean that I don't care. They can choose to watch them but its with intention to help them. Its the way u communicate ur intentions of sharing to them. so that there not fearful of being manipulated. Its best to share when they have a clam head as in the heated moment may stem to there FA tendencies. Make sure to clarify to ur FA that if things don't work out its alright and that u thought they would be interested. but do it with actual intentions of being ok if they don't come back. It should be a low expectation. Do it out of love. So that there validated in there feeling of feeling loved. Like my FA has restricted me on socials but not blocked me. so I can tag them but it wont notify them as that would be crossing a boundaries. But they will check up on u to see how ur doing trust me all my FA's who leave always check up on me but dont always reconnect as they then get a huge sense of fear or shame. FA's that have came back always apologized as they regretted there actions later. plus they will see that on ur feed for them as there tagged. They wont see it as a trigger as they looked at ur profile by themselves and wasn't forced upon them. Its the common ground that I have found without hurting them or misrepresent my intentions. cause who knows once they know they may come back but again keep low to no expectations as it will be seen as manipulation to try to win them back. plus they will feel shame and guilt as it would seem like your attacking them cause then it would look in there eyes like its their fault it didn't work out, and then they shut down again and pull away. Just be mindful

[@josegrijalva2993]

When i was living together with my ex FA girlfriend, she rarely slept with me in the same bed. She would go sleep in the other room that we had. Whats up with that? Has anyone experience that with a fearful avoidant?

[@mc2273CFU]

I'm an FA and I do this. I like my space. I love physical affection, but when it's time to sleep, I want to be left alone.

[@josegrijalva2993]

@@mc2273CFU my FA never communicated that. I learned about attachment styles after the breakup. Wish I would've known all of this before.

[@mc2273CFU]

@@josegrijalva2993 I understand. I just learned I was a FA this year after a traumatic incident had me wondering what on earth was wrong with me, so I started to explore and figured it out and suddenly so many things made sense. I've been married 18 years to a Secure man who has put up with my FA-ness, thankfully, with patience, love, and understanding, but he deserves better and now that I'm aware of my maladaptive patterns I'm working hard on becoming Secure. However, some things I don't anticipate changing like my need for a lot of space. Knowing about AT has helped me so much in all my relationships, and I wish I knew about it earlier too. Would've saved me a lot of heartbreak. All the best to you.

[@mc2273CFU]

@@alyssahockensmith1098 Yes, I used to like to sleep next to my husband. For the first 10 years of marriage or so I couldn't imagine sleeping in different beds. Something happened in the past 5 years or so in particular, though, where I've really been feeling a need for space and freedom. He's still wonderful and supportive, so nothing to do with him. Just some type of internal thing. Anyway, we still love and adore each other, and he gets to fall asleep watching The Office while I can have my white noise app on, so it works. We just snuggle until we are nearly asleep then part ways. :)

[@josegrijalva2993]

Sometimes when I would wake up in the morning she'd be right next to me. Never felt when she would walk into the room to lay down next to me. I'm an anxious preoccupied. If I would've known I wouldn't have smothered her so much.

[@brookelight2090]

Thais, can you tell us how to discern FA from AP from the beginning? Because FA come on strong in the beginning and it’s hard to tell they are actually FA. Once relationships progresses and attachment style kicks in, it’s too late to back out. At the same time, FA starts to run away, and AP starts to be triggered. Until this stage everything is too late. APs are already hurt. In fact, are APs doomed? Why we kept on meeting different types of avoidant? In retrospect, they all behaved the same way as secure person in the beginning, that is all avoidant guys pursue women in the beginning until attachment kicks in, then they discard. Some Saying say if I don’t learn then the same problem gonna happen again. But how to prevent? I can’t discern them from the beginning. I can only leave like a secure person do once avoidant discard me for the first time. But it still hurt. I want to not even start with them in the beginning. Please help.

[@aishwaryasuryavanshi4720]

So true, I’m stuck with the same kind of dynamic with a FA. In the beginning he was so present and available. He met all my needs and I thought I finally met someone secure. Now I’m triggered all the time and crave for this person badly

[@nevadatan7323]

FA here giving my 2cents: we are acutely aware of what the other person is looking for. It's born out of hypervigilance trying to navigate life as a kid, We're really perceptive to anticipating what other people want and being compliant with that standard coz it avoids conflict. It's an anxious trait, trying to make sure we're good enough for the other person in order for them to like us in the first place coz deep down we subconsciously know we arent. And remember, this constant shut-down, closed-off, way of life is a really lonely place to be.. so deep down we really crave attention and we WANT to find somebody to be intimately connected to. We _REALLY_ feel the attraction towards them, sometimes to a point of hyperfixation in a similarly to an anxiously attached person. It's not intentional manipulation or lovebombing, it's genuinely felt wholeheartedly But there's a part of us that knows subconsciously that getting fully involved with somebody could be leaving us open to getting _REALLY_ hurt. We don't move away once the other person gets attached to us, we move away when our emotional safety is in jeopardy. And people like us are just super tuned in to potential signs of danger so that we can step away when things get too intense. Even very innocuous things that seem normal to other people can be a red flag. Things like the partner needing extra reassurance can be scary af for us - it feels suffocating... and its because when we were kids we typically had to learn to self soothe coz we weren't getting our emotional needs met by caregivers. We don't interpret an Anxious person's need for reassurance as something positive to bring us together closer, We subconsciously interpret it as "gah! They're getting too close... they might completely engulf me and stop my ability to self isolate ...its the only way I know how to regulate my emotions and I can't afford to lose that"

[@PookieNarc119]

@@nevadatan7323 why would a FA leave a partner who is nothing but kind to them? And even during breakup why they given bogus reasons and if u try holding onto them they start being cruel with their words.

[@chrisd1405]

@@aishwaryasuryavanshi4720 we all need to learn to meet our own needs

[@Darksky600]

Thank you for this video and speaking more slowly

[@stylistha]

I'm a FA/Secure and there was this AP boy trying to date me. It was sooo tiring, he called me 10 times a day, when I asked for space because I had anxiety he asks every 20 minutes to call him because he HAS anxiety and need reassurance even though I gave enough reassurance and that I have to call him everyday until 5am. When I go out with my friends he became passive aggressive, saying ok I can go out but like stalks all my friend etc, saying "have fun" and didn't mean it. I'm not saying APs are bad, for a FA i'd rather not date AP.

[@getting2knowjapan]

Similar to when an FA is dating a DA and wants them open up and communicate, that's how the AP feels when dating the FA (who flips to their avoidant side). I'm Secure/AP, but the lack of communicate turned me more AP in the way my FA would say things like "I want to give YOU some space" when she meant that she needs space. I would always respond with something like "I'm fine. I enjoy spending time with you and getting to know you." But it was the start of her pushing away. If she had said "I need some space", I think me, as well as other AP would take the hint and give the space. It's the vague wording that comes from a complex mindset the makes the FA difficult to understand for APs. Growing up with a brother who is very very DA, they just don't care to open up and a relationship is low on their list of priorities. Usually work and responsibility to society is more important than fulfilling romantic relationships to DAs.

[@henryzhao4622]

Dude, thats an extreme AP.

[@DopeyDetector]

He sounds immature, but so do you. Grow up

[@anothermanicfriday]

@@DopeyDetectorum in what way does she sound immature?

[@jknight392]

hmm sounds like as an AP this one girl I had a relationship with was a FA

[@heythere4926]

You say volatile in ur videos What do you mean by volatile??

[@HH-pj5bl]

With fa attachment styles there a few different sub types, she made a video explaining the different types of Fa. She explain volatile fa very nicely in that video

[@hannahkarlberg2253]

Up and down, no consistency

[@danoctavian8184]

2:49 a FA with a DA, now that would be interesting

[@avaleclair7415]

I’d love to take a course

[@shortingthetrend]

First like and comment. I'm an 38yo AP with 35yo FA. Why does she watch cartoons Alllll dayyyyyyy???

[@MoschinoAmore]

Possibly self-soothing through avoidance and distraction

[@shortingthetrend]

@@MoschinoAmore from me? We use to be toxic. I use to be a good decent man, I still am. But 8-12mos ago, I lost my way. She cheated with a coworker by having an emotional affair. Since then tho, she just watches the same family guy seasons 1-4... American Dad, Futurama, I only like Rick and Morty ... Is she's soothing herself because of me? Her childhood wasn't all that great she had inconsistent discipline her mother's would take away her TV and then Daddy would give it back when he came home and that's what she did use as a self-soothing method. When she heard them fighting and arguing she would turn up the TV so she didn't have to hear it. I keep reading and hearing about FAS disconnecting and she does that a lot during her period... But then when her period is done suddenly she wants me... I honestly feel like I'm her capture and she's my victim. It's weird to say that. I feel like she doesn't wanna leave me until her Daddy passes away or has Dementia. I believe she's only with me for security. Yesterday, I asked to look thru her phone after she was gone for 4hrs when she only meant to be gone 30mins. I look thru phone, she threw up. I just dunno. I don't abuse, I don't act possessive or needy but we are codependent. Any advice?

[@marcd2743]

@@shortingthetrend Sometimes people are just lame and waste their lives. Nothing to do with attachment styles.

[@shortingthetrend]

@@marcd2743 ouch this hurts 🤕

[@marcd2743]

@@shortingthetrend Just trying to be honest, not trying to be a jerk. Sometimes I think we get too caught up in attachment styles and don't focus enough on if we are compatible with a person or not.

[@davidosalsero2519]

And what is a FP ?

[@davidosalsero2519]

What ia an AP ?

[@notsoanonymous686]

Thank you, Thais. As an AP having been in this dynamic with an FA, I found/find it extremely challenging - emotionally taxing, to say the least. It was quite beautiful until she was triggered by something - of which, I still don’t understand. One day we’re sharing our feelings for each other, the next she says she can’t see me anymore… Having perspective from the FA side is helpful. I appreciate what you’re doing - thank you so much. 🙏🏽 *I watched the previous video too, on the AP side.

[@19watadol]

This was so hard to follow I just gave up.

[@DopeyDetector]

Another genius

[@NAhuufeloo]

Literally been through HELL she just shut down again!!!! After we were both discovering “why” this is happening 😢 gosh! It’s really overwhelming for me AP and her FA 😢 I GIVE UP. I gotta save myself ❤