How to Apologize the Right way

• 7 Signs They Are "THE ...
We ALL need to learn the correct way to Apologize in our Relationships. First, we hold space for our partner to actually share what's going on, we show with our words and body language that we care about their experience or perspective even if we don't agree with it right away, we try to understand them by asking questions, we validate and empathize, and we take ownership and express remorse for what we could have done differently saying "I'm sorry, that was wrong, here's what I'm going to do next time". This is what leads to closeness and connection after conflict, listen, validate, repair, apologize. Both partners are responsible for these.
#apology #relationshipproblems #datingadvice

[@juju1896]

Apologies are soooo meaningful to me because my dad NEVER could apologize. It means so much when someone hears me out. I speak my part as gently as I can instead of getting defensive because I know it’s been a trigger for me but I've learned to assume they meant no harm to start with. My ultimate goal is openness, understanding and PEACE.

[@positivevibe7684]

@juju Same here. I think most of us want to be heard. And the icing on top if they truly understand. ❤❤

[@shreyamishra916]

Understanding they meant no harm us soo important

[@angieblake3424]

Same.

[@princesslady93]

Dads never apologize they only go "I'm sorry YOU feel that way" lol

[@TheBaumcm]

“I’m sorry” becomes “you’re complaining. I hear you. Now be quiet”. My response to it now is “don’t be sorry, be better”

[@princesslady93]

Omg I used to work with a guy who robotically said that EVERY single time someone said I'm sorry he was committed to it lmao 🤣

[@gmkbelanger]

Canadian here married to a Brit, both with C-PTSD - we take apologising to a whole 'nuther level. 😊 ❤

[@RadishTheFool]

You are so good at explaining these concepts so clearly and briefly and accurately and empathically. It's a talent for sure, but I know from experience it also takes a lot of effort. I truly appreciate you sharing all of that with us, thank you.

[@michellecorzine7521]

I agree with this 100%! I also wish there was a “guide” (for lack of better wording) that could provide instructions to practice. I watch a lot of his videos and think, “wow, this is amazing. And certainly wasn’t modeled to me as a child. I need that one pager to read over and over so it can become a habit in the moment.”

[@Ohhhwehere]

thank you for this. My X apoligicedto me right away before I had finished explaining to him why I felt hurt me by something he did/said, he would repeat "Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry" and hug me intil I stoped talking and I felt he wasent really sorry but that he only wanted to silence me. Im so glad I managed to break up with him when the pandemic hit.

[@jst4horses1]

I have used heart talk projects for decades for my students.....and clients.....it helps people learn to give total attention, and to move through an issue, equally. In small students, we would ask them to sit on a chair, or hold on to a fence post outside and talk until they are sure they understand and are ready to move forward. This has a great benefit of teaching kids to communicate openly and honestly, as well as to be empowered to stand up for themselves, not play sic the teacher or parent on the other kid. An added benefit is that the real bullies are out of service for hours as they have scheduled talks with many other students. Their parents are often required to sit and not say a word, today I would have them watch video.....and see how their child REALLY acts. Many a time teachers, in the interest of getting back on schedule rush an apology, parent do the same! We can all learn better communication skills. Parents can and do learn how to lead a heart talk and facilitate for teens to learn to lead them for smaller children.

[@johnnyjohnnyhottiethottie8345]

thats beautiful

[@positivevibe7684]

That's awesome!!❤

[@gabet7593]

This means so much to me. I always apoligized so quickly it led to strife with the girl I was talking to. I wish I'm glad I found your videos while I'm still young. Thank you so so much.

[@jackdeniston6150]

Have you ever, ever, EVER, had a woman genuinely apologise? Seriously, stop beating yourself up.

[@sadgirlvisuals4126]

Wow ! He said yes it’s hard but it doesn’t make it less necessary. I struggle with being passive about everything but im going to work on it

[@user-tn7oy8ze5q]

"Thank you" so much. All your videos on narcissists were both entertaining/funny on & also "seriously informative" to help me leave someone alone that was not good for me. It brought the **clarity to my mind needed !!

[@buffuniballer]

I can say yes, it is hard to stand there and take it when the one you love is lashing out at you over what seems to you to be a miss. On the other hand, sometimes, we hurt someone without thinking. Imagine the example of dancing with your partner. If you step on her toes, she will say ouch because it hurts. Telling her that you didn't mean to do so doesn't take away that hurt. On the other hand, if, instead of saying ouch, she says, "Are you trying to kill me?" and not in a teasing manner, I.E. it's an attack, it's hard to stand there and take it. There is work on both sides for this. If you step on someone, intended or otherwise, it hurts. Acknowledge the hurt and accept they are hurt. Telling them you didn't mean to do it, or that they shouldn't feel hurt isn't going to fix things. If you are the one who is hurt, don't assume they did it on purpose. Accidents happen. Misses happen where you each just see things differently.

[@Benefacez]

Showing some empathy helps, too.😅

[@buffuniballer]

@@Benefacez indeed.

[@Asharra12]

Often the reason we assume that someone hurt us on purpose is because they hurt us in the same way repeatedly. Like if you step on her toes multiple times and just say each time, "sorry I'm just bad at dancing" but never make any efforts to improve your dancing, it becomes intentionally neglectful. That's usually what I mean when I talk about how someone is hurting me intentionally. I know their not setting out to deliberately hurt me, but they are hurting me through their neglect to not fix their own issues because it's easier to just keep stepping on my toes than it is to take time out of their day to get a dance lesson and improve.

[@buffuniballer]

@@Asharra12I can see that. I can also see where someone insists he dance and he's tried to explain he's not good at it, but the other insists they keep doing it. There are all sorts of scenarios. I mean, not everyone is good at dancing. But if they are doing their best and still stepping on their partner's toes, there has to be a decision. So there are more questions to ask. Did they not take the dance lessons. Or, did they take them, or are still taking them, but it's not something they are good at? I'd be careful calling something neglect without exploration. I'm not saying neglect doesn't happen. I'm saying just because something keeps happening doesn't mean it's neglect. I'm colorblind. You can train me all you want, but I'm going to fail the Ishihara Plate test. Are we asking (demanding) our partner do something he or she cannot do and then getting hurt because we insist they fit into the mold we've created for them? Still, we are getting far afield of apologizing. If it hurts, it hurts. Telling someone it shouldn't hurt or we didn't mean it doesn't help. Rejecting a true apology because we don't believe they've done their best also doesn't build a strong relationship. What one calls neglect, the other might say is being forced to do something they have little interest or aptitude for doing.

[@lauramarlo8108]

This was a beautiful explanation..

[@tesseract5082]

You are so above and beyond on this topic. I see so many "very educated" people that are "bouncing around",about what is really going on.... you are a true professional... you brought honesty which was truly missing... yeah it can trigger people but there's no way around it... we either corect it or forget about it, and do the same mistakes over and over.... I am so happy and proud of you. Proud that you had the courage to embark on this journey. I wish to you, LOTS OF SUCCESS!

[@positivevibe7684]

Yes, this will be hard for me to do because when I'm wrong, I apologize pretty quickly. I admit i was wrong. I have to listen to this video again to get a better understanding. Ok.. I get it. Hopefully, the person you are apologizing to will be open to your sincere apology. If not, atleast The person apologizing has done their part. And can move on from it. ❤

[@TheBaumcm]

It’s not just about them being open to the apology. It’s that you have to listen to what is actually wrong so they know, that you know, and can actually be open. Otherwise, you are blowing them off. What is the point of an apology, other than placating with no intent to change anything, if you know nothing of the circumstance?

[@positivevibe7684]

@@TheBaumcm You can't force or make anyone be open to the apology. It's too much to try and make them open to receive the apology. Maybe I misunderstood your post.

[@ellewhy3560]

Wonderful video! It's amazing and sad how something like an apology can become a toxic thing. Genuine care involves more forethought than many people seem capable of, lol.

[@THENEONARCADE21]

When i would accuse my last boyfriend of things he had actually done, he would always say: Oh nice one. Which understandably made me feel more angry and frustrated. What he should've said was: Yes i did do that and I'm sorry and i won't do it again, and really mean all of that, then we could've made up and felt closer emotionally instead of further apart. I couldn't get anywhere with him always saying: Oh nice one. Extremely frustrating for me !!!!! He did so many things that were terrible. The way he treated me was so bad, I'm not going to put up with that again. I'm so glad he's gone from my life. I deserve so much better than him !!!!

[@user-oy4vq9ze1x]

Your content is amazing brother, thank you : )

[@tiffayneehorsley70]

What do you do when they frequently blame you for being defensive when you’re really just trying to seek to understand how they are feeling?? 🤔

[@kristensandoz3046]

YES, YES, YES! So helpful.

[@mirchellepinpindg9164]

Thank you so much Jimmy. I listen to all your relationship advice which really highlights the emotional maturity that both partners must have and nurture. More often I am dismissed, my partner (then) was so defensive and out speaks me which left me so confused …and if I tried to recall the instance of a particular hurtful situation, I am gaslighted. So overall, I felt unheard. Yet he told me, he felt unheard. It was more like a competition of arguments. I was given all these wonderful spiritual stuff which in my mind AND heart, I could not argue against. To say anything that may sound I am challenging some biblical truth was inconceivable. At the end of the day, I recognized that there was a huge incompatibility of values and beliefs. This incompatibility included the kind of love language I would have wanted in a relationship. I asked to separate so I can ground myself once again, set up my emotional boundaries and let go of the relationship despite the love… I knew this was not my person - not anymore. 😰. It was a painful decision but I knew self love and care must take precedence. We were no longer a couple, a team nor best friends … I felt I was alone, and on my own. More success and blessings to you Jimmy. Don’t stop sharing!!! 😊

[@edward9674]

So like you do something, you ask them what made you feel like that and what did you wish i had done instead, and then say i'm sorry?

[@TheBaumcm]

Yep, that’s it. From someone for whom “I’m sorry” has come to mean you’re complaining, I hear you, now zip it, this would be exactly what I would want.

[@totadol]

exactly .. ot's the narcissits way to apologize too quicky to end the discussion

[@mpilested]

the big problem i found is that most partners don't bring up things in a non critical or respectful way which often then triggers defensiveness.

[@allmyedgesaresharp]

This world would be so much better if people would concentrate less on being tight and more on saying the right thing

[@pammypampam6920]

I disagree with wanting to say the right thing, although it MAY be 1 step better than wanting to be right. My spouse says sorry too soon because they think that's what they are supposed to say to my hurts. Unfortunately, they say it WAY too soon, before first fully understanding how they hurt me (like I'm not even done explaining how their actions hurt me) so I'm left feeling unheard. NOW, (just 2 days ago) I leaned into explaining more hoping to help them understand better, but was met with, "I said I was sorry,"....and, "I hope you don't start making a capital case out of EVERYTHING." 😢😢😢 They just negated their entire apology and proved it was only a manipulative attempt to silence me, NOT to understand, repair, or avoid causing pain in the future. 😢😢😢

[@allmyedgesaresharp]

@@pammypampam6920 yes so an unmeant apology was not the right thing. I have stood where you are and believe me you will never be heard. You can't fix someone who thinks that you are the one that is broken. You seem as if you are still strong, I am feeling that the right thing to say is run run fast and far and don't look back because it's a lie, but I know that you won't until you are ready. The more you try to show them the error the more of your own light you will dim. The worst lies are the ones you tell yourself. I hope that you are still bright and strong I hope you understand.

[@charisse234]

Know what Jimmy I really really wish it was that simple and that easy! but it isn't sure I can apologise in the right way only for it not to be heard! Unfortunately life is not black and white there is a whole lot of other colours floating around.anyway thank you for this video! positivity peace and love ♥️

[@TheBaumcm]

All apologizing the right way means is actually listening to the person’s complaint first and not expecting them to shut it simply because you said sorry.

[@positivevibe7684]

This makes soooo much sense. If both partners were on the same page, this would be awesome to do. I can't see my spouse doing this. He has Aspergers. Therefore, his thinking pattern is not neurotypical. However, this is a great tool to use. Many thanks ❤❤

[@trebmaster]

I'm hesitant to say things like "it's normal to feel that way" if the emotion is a pretty irrational level of anger. If it's a controlled anger, maybe. Why would I want to say irrational = normal though? That's just wrong, and I don't want to say something that's actually factually wrong.

[@therandomnuthouse622]

Saying “it’s normal to feel that way” isn’t the same thing as saying “it’s normal to act that way.” You can validate someone’s anger without approving their actions, especially if the actions are harmful. Besides, irrational IS normal, as in common or expected for humans like you and me. The best way to reach a rational conclusion is to deal with the irrational stuff first.

[@TheBaumcm]

You can say something about the feeling being understandable and then once that piece is resolved, say but I’d appreciate it if you could find a different way to express your feelings because this is making me close off.

[@TheBaumcm]

@@therandomnuthouse622you haven’t encountered a rage reaction from a narcissist I take it. I watched my 5’ in shoes mom toss my 6’ dad out of the way once, like poof he was gone. That is not rational, nor to be expected from an adult.

[@rsamom]

I think i never had a real apology. 😢 Giving me so called apologetic hugs, felt more like physical control and there was never an understanding or a care about what upset me. Flowers and chocalates and other expensive gifts is also mot a real apology😢

[@emmarentiaharding6895]

This is toooo much hard work. Rather stay single!!!

[@ElimEx1]

My wife likes it when I do that and it took me years to learn (and I'm still bad at it). But I can honestly tell you that I truly hate it when people apologize to me. It's so unnecessary and a waste of time and then you have to poo-poo them and acknowledge it. So useless. People are people and will always do their best. They will make mistakes, that's how we all learn. Tiptoeing around feelings is truly annoying and I know a lot of people who agree with me. it's just not politically correct to say it nowadays.

[@ninjycoon]

What about situations where you couldn't have done anything differently or when their expectations of you are unreasonable?

[@HarleenMokha]

First to watch and comment! Yup…that’s been me!

[@vallverde7357]

What do I do if I ask this questions but they don't know why they felt bad?

[@lydiav107]

🔥

[@papermoon1]

❤

[@pammypampam6920]

@AllMyEdgesAreSharp I disagree with wanting to say the right thing, although it MAY be 1 step up from wanting to be right. My spouse says sorry too soon because they think that's what they are supposed to say to having hurt me. Unfortunately, they say it WAY too soon, before first fully understanding HOW they hurt me (like I'm not even done explaining how their actions hurt me) so I'm left feeling unheard. NOW, (just 2 days ago) I leaned into explaining more hoping to help them understand better, but was met with, "I said I was sorry,"....and, "I hope you don't start making a capital case out of EVERYTHING." 😢😢😢 They nit only negated their ENTIRE apology and proved it was not sincere, but only a manipulative attempt to silence me, NOT to understand, repair, or avoid causing pain in the future. 😢😢😢

[@Cateyes937]

💞

[@MichelleL20942]

🏆

[@Cantdisrespectoremasculatemeun]

Never going to work but why not give it a go

[@fabplays6559]

Have you ever considered that your “this will never work” attitude might be the reason it never works?

[@johnnyjohnnyhottiethottie8345]

dont know until you try

[@johnnyjohnnyhottiethottie8345]

never know until you try

[@Cantdisrespectoremasculatemeun]

@@johnnyjohnnyhottiethottie8345 I got into a open throuple relationship. Eventually we decided that we would prefer a closed relationship. Apparently that weekend she went out and cheated. Gaslighting me for 8 months it was literally torture. Honestly it really hurts at the moment but she showed up and ruined me mentally, emotionally, and financially. Paid off all her credit cards and remodeled the house so her kids could move in. She showed up and destroyed everything in her path.

[@Cantdisrespectoremasculatemeun]

@@fabplays6559 well when she cheated the first time I might not have the attitude. When she got caught talking to several different men maybe there wasn't an attitude. Maybe we should gaslighted me before 8 months I didn't have that attitude. Now that I tried everything in my mind I could possibly think of... Yeah she is not going to change and will never take accountability for anything

[@johnrainsman6650]

Is it inappr opriate to apoIogize right after someone tells you what you did to hurthem? One second they tell you how they feel, the next second, you say "I'm sorry." Is that a bad apoIogy?

[@WeCanHearYouNowwithPeggiMerkey]

Said no guy anywhere!! Cept Jimmy!! None others ever‼️💚🩷🩵

[@user-xf8rf4uc1u]

1:45 1:52 🙏🏼💎🙏🏼

[@arnelewinski79]

Apologizing for nothing is nonsense. You have tomget clear about what should really bother you and what not. Are we dealing with kids that give in to their current mood and complain about something that did not happen the way THEY want? Grow up.... only because you feel something, it does not have meaning to someone or in general. The point is: These apologies, that relate to unintentional hurts, finally blend across the big things, and make them less important....

[@joshuamorrison8332]

Jesus. A lot of this advice just projects "beta male" and that will do more harm to your relationship with a woman than not apologizing at all. Just say I'm sorry and mean it. Don't empathize with their lived experience or whatever.

[@lizavandermeer1581]

"Beta male"? What an out of touch remark to make.

[@lizardme88]

Do you think it's a good idea to spread fake videos of fake psychologists? Do you know the harm this is causing to people who think this is a real person? Taking advice from fake videos is causing harm.

[@Lin-co9jd]

Let me guess. You will take advice from the "red pill" groups though.