How To Communicate With Your Dismissive Avoidant | 4 Phrases That Cause Them To Shut Down

[@josephsarto689]

instead of “how to communicate with your dismissive avoidant” how bout “the dismissive a avoidant needs to get some professional help and heal their attachment wounds”

[@cspace1234nz]

There's only one thing to say to a dismissive avoidant when you find out that's what they are. Goodbye ! I just did this as I have zero tolerance. 4 months into what appeared to be a very beautiful relationship she tried shutting down to me. I gace her three days, spoke to her, saw no personal responsibility, the next day I completely ended it. Now she gets to have all the space she wants. These people are highly destructive. I am here to figure out how the hell I attracted this nonsense into my life and how to avoid the avoiders. I have way to much love to give not to waste it on these people.

[@Jordandacosta25]

Problem is I used to be like this and you end up bouncing from relationship to relationship

[@theloveandthriveschool]

@cspace1234nz it's great you had the power to walk away from a connection that was not serving you. You're asking great questions. This shows you're taking responsibility for your end. This gives you the power to choose healthier options. A great question I like to ask my clients is : What made you attracted to this person? Instead of "Why am I attracting these people." It's nuanced, but the former gives you power, and the latter is disempowering. Once you figure out why YOU get attracted to someone who is Dismissive and Avoidant, you can change that so you get attracted to people who are secure. Would you like me to do a video on this for you?

[@cspace1234nz]

@@theloveandthriveschool ....the way I see it is that the so-called 'honeymoon period' they talk about can be so perfect for these ones and they can open up quite fully during that period. I'm a pretty smart guy, mature, well adjusted, deeply intuitive and have had generally happy and successful relationships in the past where I remain close to the exes. I was actually married for 12 years to an avoidant woman so I know how they tend to go. The thing is, I saw not a single hint of a sign with this most recent woman, in fact, I would go as far to say it was probably the most beautiful, intimate three months of any relationship I have ever had. Just that, in my view, being everything she had dreamed of in a relationship she was unable to handle it. She inevitably had to sabotage it. I suspect she will be sitting at home right now wondering what the hell happened. I was indeed attracted to her and I very much 'fell in love'. Just that, I am not silly enough to think that that's anymore than a very pleasant delusion and I am perfectly fine with that. I know there comes a point where both people have to face up to themselves within the relationship and at the pint she crashed, one of us was ready to start the work, one of us wasn't. If I had my time again there is really nothing that I could point to as being at fault. This is a highly intelligent, very attractive, successful woman. Very affectionate and loving, appeared to be thoroughly enjoying a deep level of communication anad intimacy. However, sometimes this is just how it is, sometimes people will destroy a good thing for all the reasons we know about. I'm loving the videos, never too late to learn, I wish I had had this 25-30 years ago with my wife. Interesting thing about her, she has never been able to have any sort of intimate relationship since I left her, she never 'did the work'. Crazy !

[@ohdear2275]

​​@@cspace1234nz The question of this YT content creator remains, why are YOU attracted to avoidants. I'm not sure I saw your answer. It might be helpful to you to delve into that and attempt to heal whatever part of you is attracted to avoidants. I've been having to confront this in myself. I'm not sure I have the answer yet, but I feel it has to do with my own CPTSD and lack of emotional support and empathy when I was a child. My last two serious relationships have been with avoidants. Now I can see I am or have become Fearful Avoidant myself. I do wish I had learned about attachment styles much much earlier in my life. I'm learning now at age 63! Another good channel that addresses this subject is The Personal Development School. (This particular content creator has stated on another video that she has worked with Thais Gibson, the creator of The Personal Development School.) am wishing you and all of us here success and happiness in finding our last and best love!

[@cspace1234nz]

@@ohdear2275 .....who knows about these things ? My last two relationships were not with avoidants, both very secure as I have been myself. I still can't see any signs that pointed to my last short relationship that she was avoidant, even in retrospect, and I mean nothing, I kind of think anyone could be attracted to one, I mean, she is a very attractive, very smart and charming woman and we got on fantastically well. Till that moment when she shut down. The only lesson I could draw from the experience is that like you I have now come to learn so much more and would know what to look for. I would straight out ask a woman what relationship style she was and do so in a way to ensure I knew what I was dealing with. No different to what i do with women when I ask them about their habits, you know, to do with drinking or their general health and well-being, mental health, all the rest of it. Like you I too am 63 but there's no chance of me becoming avoidant, apart from avoiding avoidants that is.

[@krisbaker3349]

This information would be useful when communicating with anyone of any attachment style. Something I have also found helpful with my DA is to begin by specifically saying he has done nothing wrong, I just want him to understand something about me. It seems obvious to me but if I don’t specifically tell him that I am not blaming or accusing he often assumes I am. If I clearly state that I am simply sharing information about myself he is eager to understand and will try to work with me on the issue. Another similar way of beginning is to say I am not telling him what to do or what not to do, this is simply the way I feel about his decision. He is free to do as he chooses, and here is how I will feel about it. When I do that he seems to easily take my feelings into account. I am sure this wouldn’t work for everyone but it has helped us a lot.

[@theloveandthriveschool]

@krisbaker3349 This is brilliant! Thanks so much for pointing out how important it is to state the obvious : "I'm not criticizing you." Yes! This goes a far way. 🩷

[@tanyamarie5321]

Thank you, very useful information!

[@Koga-Ed]

Thank you for these very practical examples ! They are a great help to make the rules of constructive feedback work ! Could you also do a similar video about what to do when someone suddenly ghosts you ? Is it best to wait, or better to take the initiative yourself ? And if the latter one is best: how ? Thank you in advance for sharing your insights and keep on doing this great work ! 🙏🏼

[@theloveandthriveschool]

@Koga-Ed thank you for your appreciation and encouragement. It's very motivating. I'll do a video on that once I'm done with my current series. Keep an eye out. It's great to have you here. 🩷

[@ccbowden19]

Could you and Matt do a video about physical intimacy? Especially from the viewpoint of a DA and how you can help get to a more comfortable spot for both if you? As an FA, I cringed when it came to a lot physical intimacy. Now that I date and don’t really get much from my DA, I feel like I’m trying to pull, even holding hands, out of him. I remember recently he had expressed that his back was hurting from working. As we were walking into a restaurant we went to sit and eat at, I tried to rub his back as comfort and it felt like he was trying to walk faster as to end the connection 😂😂😂

[@theloveandthriveschool]

@ccbowden19 it's a great topic. I'll do a video on it. It also feels like a vulnerable conversation to have on a public forum 🤣🤣. I'll think about how to structure it to make it valuable to you while also keeping some of my private life, well, private 🤣🤣🤣. Did you ever ask him why he was walking faster? Maybe he's embarrassed PDA? It may have nothing to do with you or your touch. I felt smothered as a child, so if anyone tried to, say, hide a name tag on my top, or pick a piece of lint off me, I'd have a squirmy reaction. It felt invasive. This was a part of my tactile defensiveness. It usually has nothing to do with the person offering the touch. Somatic exposure work is great here. I'll put all this in a video. Just giving you something while you wait. 🩷🩷🩷

[@ccbowden19]

@@theloveandthriveschool totally understandable. I never really asked that specifically, but I do suspect he’s embarrassed by PDA. Physical affection makes him uncomfortable in general. Even in private, when I try to give him a hug outside of the hug when we greet each other, he does get “squirmish” as he kinda pushes me away lol. I have no doubt that it has little to do with me, but I can’t say I’m not still affected by it. I will take a look into somatic exposure. Thanks so much for your help and reply!

[@ohdear2275]

​​​@@ccbowden19 My ex DA told me he was uncomfortable with PDA's on our first date. One of the top fears of a DA is any show of vulnerability. He had told you his back was hurting, which was a vulnerable disclosure he made to you alone. Rubbing his back in public MAY have made him feel vulnerable to everyone around and could have felt like too much, a Public Display of Vulnerability. Perhaps it would have been better to offer to rub his back in private?

[@miyawinn623]

I'm so excited to see that you have posted another video!

[@theloveandthriveschool]

@miyawinn623 Hello lovely Mia, I'm so happy to see you here. My previous apartment was a bit noisy and made it very difficult to record. We've moved now and I'm getting my routine going agai. More videos will come. Thanks for always being so enthusiastic. You're precious. How are you? 🩷

[@miyawinn623]

@@theloveandthriveschool Thank you for replying to my comment❤️I hope you have settled in to your new place. I know moving can be stressfull. I'm doing good. I have had difficulty with communicating with my DA so I have really enjoyed your videos which address this topic. I'm looking forward to watching this one after work😊How are you❤️?

[@theloveandthriveschool]

@miyawinn623 I'm sorry it's been rough. I hope you can find a way back to calm again. TG the move is over and now we are enjoying the new place. Let me know how it goes when you switch up the communication style. 🩷

[@miyawinn623]

@@theloveandthriveschool I will, thank you and take care😊❤️

[@LauraBurke-d6p]

Can you please tell me your qualifications/training for offering this advice?

[@brunalina2275]

Why my ex avoidant did not go to non contact after the break up? Everyday he txt me telling me about his daily routine? Vague conversation

[@Growwithgrace101]

Would you say that this only works with an avoidant who is aware and working on their attachment actively too?

[@theloveandthriveschool]

@Growwithgrace101 very good question. This style of communication works with most people. Of course, there are certain people who have more wounds, and they filter information through these wounds, which makes communication difficult. We also need to try various things and see what works for that specific relationship. It is not a one-size fits all but a general guideline. It is easier when both people in the relationship are doing the work, that's for sure.

[@Emma-ud2pj]

no, he is not. just indeed you are not good enough to treat well..

[@tarkov666]

Way more than 4 things... sorry, but avoidants are expecting you to be scary and will see that regardless of what YOU are actually doing.

[@theloveandthriveschool]

@tarkov666 Yeah, when we see the world through our wounds, it all looks distorted. I really enjoy consciousness relationship where both people are doing the work. It makes it so much simpler. 🩷