How To Deal With Being Anxiously Attached - Jessica Baum

[@ChrisWillx]

Hello beautiful people. Here’s the timestamps: 00:00 Intro 00:32 How Love Island Misrepresents People 05:55 Jessica’s Work Background 09:35 Impact on Upbringing on Attachment 20:46 Beginning to Understand Attachment 29:56 Attachment Differences in Men & Women 39:29 Healing Attachment Issues 48:34 Practical Strategies to Calm Anxiety 56:52 Exploring Past Traumas 1:10:46 Harsh Truth of Attachment Anxiety 1:22:48 Where to Find Jessica

[@EleutheriaBeth]

Chris this podcast has the potential to be life changing for me. It was absolutely awesome! You are an incredible host.

[@firstnamelastname8697]

Seriously one of the only podcasts I've found that's consistently so engaging, insightful, and genuinely useful. I really can't thank you enough for starting this thing.

[@intermission1864]

I wonder if our longing for long term relationships/attachment issues are a product of us babies doing our final 18 months of dev external to the mother therefore we crave those maternal dependancy pathways for the rest of our lives

[@pathingmusic]

Bought her book, and I sent this podcast episode to a TON of close friends. For me, this is THE sleeper hit from 2022, Chris. Thank you thank you thank you.

[@affe114]

One hundred percent

[@GJones247]

Now we need information on avoidant attachment types. This was pure gold Chris.

[@robinhoneyman4444]

^^ this

[@65andSpry]

I want to know the difference in the avoidant and the narcissist.

[@JoelMankeyMusic]

Yes please!

[@JoelMankeyMusic]

@@Delrin3030 haaaahahhaa

[@pathingmusic]

Hey Gabriel, check out the episode with Logan Ury. Probably the most meaningful thing I’ve heard in the past five years.

[@MrTubeuser12]

"biologically wired for community and connection" that's true, in Africa there's a saying "Ubuntu" which basically means "I am because we are"

[@cheekytitaable]

That’s a beautiful saying. Very cool

[@14docmurph]

Great podcast. I'm a therapist who works with kiddos in the foster care system...attachment issues are our arch nemesis and are often precursors for personality disorders that will torment these kids throughout their lives.

[@keyboarddancers7751]

Up until four years ago, I was a social worker in the field of child protection. The life histories (in terms of attachment as well as a host of other problems) of many of the parents with whom we worked were so awful, it was no surprise their parenting skills were so deficient yet the working hypothesis of much of social work's attempted reparative approaches in that field does not seem to recognise the true depth of such generational damage.

[@kalash_nikov]

Chris, I'm so glad you are learning about this stuff. Hearing some of your questions (this is not a criticism or a slight) I can see how little you know about the topic of trauma (especially chronic/childhood/developmental trauma) and how emotions, which we CANNOT control (we can learn how to control our reactions to those emotions), affect our thinking, not the other way around. Please invite more people from this field, people like Gabor Mate, Mastin Kipp, Stephen Porges or Sarah Baldwin (she's amazing at explaining this stuff in layman terms). The age of believing that "our thoughts shape our reality, and you can choose your thoughts" needs to end. The "if you don't work hard/keep abusing alcohol or drugs/aren't confident to ask a girl out/etc, it's because you don't want it enough/aren't trying hard enough", or "just change your thinking and you will feel differently" narratives are as harmful to people, as they are untrue on a psychological and neurological level.

[@juneelle370]

Yes and physiological too! New age thinking has it’s good points and incredibly inaccurate and sociopathic points that have spread to every corner of life. There are problems with old time religion (trust me I know) but then I found much of the same in the New Age community (so far as spiritual beliefs)…. It’s just a different flavor of dysfunctional beliefs!

[@craigd7695]

Inner Child work has really helped me heal some of my anxious attachment style. This shit takes time... It's so worth it. Thank you Chris x

[@chrisgiles5653]

Inner Bonding

[@djVania08]

Could share which way to go?

[@bewilderedbrit8928]

I was in a relationship for 8 years and hypergamy on her side and depression on my side killed it. She replaced me within two months. In other words, she had been busy for some time getting ready to swing to the new branch. That relationship just sorta happened. Three years of hell later and I feel totally lost and don't know how to feel any sort of feeling at all, let alone how to love. No respite from the emotional hurt so far. Sex drive exploded in the first year following being dumpee, went on a hook up spree and now my sex drive is destroyed. I'm revolted by the ethical standards of modern women, by sex and the idea of relationships in general, despite being terribly lonely.

[@stripedcollar335]

You sound totally rational to me. Take your time and keep your active self-awareness alive. You will need it when the time comes to share with your future partner.

[@nationandy]

Same. :/

[@agathachris9722]

Yet do you have any disgust for your ethical standards surrounding sex and relationship?

[@fatheroflights887]

In other words, her inability/unwillingness to love you the way you were loving her only served to make your depression worse, and to bring your attachment issues to the surface. Had you, and many others of us, had more healthy attachment styles, we would never have stayed in such relationships for so long.

[@sarahrobertson634]

You went on a hook up spree, but you're revolted by modern women? You're not just immoral, but you're a terrible hypocrite. You're disgusting.

[@lilyvonshtuup]

Thank you for this. I identified with so much of what was covered here. Evoked a few tears. I feel sometimes what seems random is actually meant for you.

[@cricket12ish]

This was an amazing podcast. Wow it makes so much sense now how people react when they have the fear of abandonment constantly.

[@lilyvonshtuup]

& let’s face it, for those of us that have this covid was a catalyst to even more solitude.

[@_scabs6669]

This woman literally just described me in my last relationship. As a guy.

[@violetl.4615]

Time stamp

[@TheGoldenBoot-cz1do]

Yeah fr that opening line was my mindset for like 5 years 😅

[@_scabs6669]

@@TheGoldenBoot-cz1do yeah. I'm living it now. I got hit on the head a lot as a little kid and I had a mindfuck of an upbringing, especially with my parents being divorced and then my dad in the army being sent to war to Iraq, and the evangelical pentecostal cult I was in at my mom's place which didn't even allow you to date in high school. Then last year was probably the worst year of my life, started off with a drug overdose on fentanyl January of 22 and went downhill from there, tried to join the military and got sent home, downhill. Also I have had a speech impediment since 9 years old. So I'm pretty shut down now. I'm always either coming on too strong or closing off completely, I can't open up to anybody because I'm scared of scaring them off.

[@_scabs6669]

@@TheGoldenBoot-cz1do how did you overcome it?

[@yohaizilber]

The feel like the worst thing about being anxious is that you loose all certainty in yourself.

[@alyuksel348]

The fear of abandonment eventually makes you abandon yourself

[@Butterflybishop7001]

😢 so true, someone I really cared about ghost me makes you feel empty and blaming myself

[@iamchicharon]

Y E S

[@DarkWandererAU]

I recently developed a connection with someone that was so powerful so quickly it spooked me, and I got angry and defensive towards them purely because I felt so much for this person and was afraid history would repeat it self. I basically ensured my own demise & lost probably the purest connection I've ever had. Baggage can be a bitch - best to get on top of it before it ruins the best things you can have in life

[@murphymomof9]

This is me. Thank you so much for this. Love her words and thoughts. Grateful for the introduction, Mr. Williamson. Thank you to both of you.

[@TheRexTera]

This is why people like me that’s on the spectrum is having such a hard time understanding how neuro-typical connect. Most of the time we’re 70 % inner monologues and strategies and 30 % presence. People usually misinterpret that as lack of interest.

[@Putzl52]

Chris, these dating podcasts are super helpful. I've been listening to them constantly over the past few days.

[@paradoxartworks]

This helped me see the connections between neuroplasticity and interdependency in relationships and community, but "Monk-Mode" or "Self-Help" forms of spirituality don't necessarily bypass situations to overcome trauma or heavy wounds, but they do help us digress further out of the nervous system and interconnectivity to see connections with society, operating at levels we wouldn't have been able to discover otherwise.

[@corinaspfx]

as a child of deaf adults and also immigrants from the eastern block - being anxiously attached is an understatement

[@judya2691]

This whole video was so affirming to me because I’ve BEEN doing the work, have worked with plant medicine, isolated, went hyper independent, etc, and interdependence IS the way to solidly the new pathways. Great pod!

[@theskinnyfromphatty5811]

Thank you, Chris. You're best podcast yet. Your guest was brilliant at using the right words and similes to describe the emotional or ephemeral. Top drawer. My experience: Substances by themselves are temporary. You'll return. Substance + Dhamma practice: you're on your way, fast, no way back, even if you want to.

[@FelixSkura]

One is a great deal less anxious if one feels perfectly free to be anxious. Both sides have expectations that aren’t effective because of cognitive distortions. We never asked for these distortions but was ultimately raised in a way that affects our efforts to deal with the reality of a particular situation.

[@mike198383]

This is the story of my life . Growing up which raised by father when I cried as a Child I would always be told "Stop Crying or I will Give you Something to Cry About"

[@sorayalux]

It was super interesting, thank you so much I learned so much about myself☺️

[@HappyGirl707]

"rupture and repair." Wow. this is me. Learning how to heal so I can break this pattern.

[@RobbC.]

I'm really interested in the psychology of a person who has all red books on their bookshelf :)

[@jabbrewoki]

lol

[@colindavis2113]

Yeah, like, wtf??? Lol

[@susanboyles3460]

And yet neither of her books on display have red jackets!? What's going on here?

[@magnusdanielsson2749]

I dated a woman that triggered my anxiousness. Thought it might be a good thing to get "exposed" to it and learn to deal with it. Was a bad idea, only triggered me and after a while I realized it just made me worse. But hey know I know that at least =)

[@superduperdom]

I am reading and enjoying her book. She mentions spirituality in passing and I think this can be another great healing resource. The reality is that a lot of people are alone for whatever reason, and don’t have partners or friends or community to turn to, or can afford or want to see a therapist. It feels almost shaming to say that this is a requirement for healing yourself. The right sort of meditation practice that doesn’t bypass, can help you to feel and embrace what comes up as well as connecting you to a deeper reality prior to thoughts and emotions, which one might call the ultimate ‘secure attachment’, since all human relationships are fundamentally mutable.

[@itsshierlz]

Healing my anxious attachment has changed my life!

[@xiaco8309]

Straight male here. 33. I’m also a nurse. Anxiety is my baseline. Which helps a lot at work because I’m hyper vigilant and work in an ICU. So that behavior is actually useful. But not so much in relationships. Is it possible to be a mix of anxious/avoidant? I really want to find someone to settle down with but always second guess and assume the other person is annoyed with me. But if someone is openly straightforward and likes me, I assume something must be wrong with them. So it’s a never ending loop of loneliness. Reassurance is something I so desperately need. But I realize this is not attractive at all. But it’s hard to get over the sense of self you’ve developed your entire life. I’m either too trusting and naive or don’t trust at all.

[@DJones408]

The general concept with the psychedelics is that it opens/unlocks those alternate pathways and that lasts beyond the time under the influence. One of my best friends entered into a clinical Ibogaine treatment program for heroin addiction. It was multiple months of inpatient treatment and then prescribed regular progressively lower doses until none. Seemed to work

[@High_Rate136]

The problem with modern dating is that our cities force us to use dating apps and social media because they are not built for people. They’re built for cars and thus isolate the individual by placing them in a box. You wake up in your home (a box), you drive to work (a box), you work (in an office/store which is designed in the shape of a box), and then you drive home. You are isolated CONSTANTLY, so of course dating apps, social media, and tv are our reality! It’s the only people we see constantly. A city built for people would have phenomenal walkability and public transport which would naturally place people in social situations with these “accurate” depictions of people WITHOUT a screen

[@High_Rate136]

The fact we are talking about how to make dating apps better are the problem. We should be eliminating the need to use these things by designing our cities better. People WANT to be around people. Don’t believe me? Look where most of the US population lives. In densely populated cities, but those cities are designed for cars.

[@agathachris9722]

We no longer exist in actual communities.

[@jesuslopezanson5329]

For me: Solutions to toxic attachment: Short term, expiration focused meditation Long term, finding new healthy paths to attachment (new neural paths) Both wound and healing happen in relationships. We all are wired for relationship, no one can bare all on their own. Connection is a biological imperative, for we thrive the most as individuals when we're supported by others (Although there's a part of me now saying "but don't let that become an excuse for not being strong enough")

[@georgef6573]

1- get off the internet . 2- stop going along with what everyone does. 3- dont pick a side. Listen to both sides and decide for yourself . 4- youre not obligated to do anything. 5- spend your time learning and reflecting even if you dont like it

[@cain6981]

It can be somewhat rare, but a hard mushroom trip can really make serious positive changes in the brain. Had a buddy struggling with alcoholism for 20 years, trying to get sober for a couple years never making it longer than 3-4 weeks. We had a really intense trip together and he had now been sober for over a year, making huge changes in his life and losing 100 lbs. He still attributes the catalyst to getting sober and making changes to that one trip where the light bulb went off. We've tripped plenty of times since that weren't as impactful and not totally sure what made that one so special. I do believe powerful trips help addiction 100% though

[@douglatins]

"More important than knowing your horoscope" yeah I was done with the interview right there.

[@sola2625]

So superstitious bull$h!t trumps neuroscience now? SMH FYI, she's right, knowing mine and my partner's detailed horoscope compatibility charts and whatnot didn't help the last relationship but everything she discussed after that quoted line is helping my new one.

[@OlderWomenRock]

Unfortunate comment I agree . It didn’t put Me off , some great information and advice in this interview

[@colindavis2113]

Very interesting stuff! Definitely learned and affirmed a few things about myself, others, and why I chose certain relationships. Doing my best to figure these things out and grow as a physical and spiritual being. Thanks Chris!

[@lisaq787]

Chris, if you think Anxious Avoidant sounds rough you should look up Fearful Avoidant (disorganized attachment style). It's a mind f#ck. Happy you're diving into this stuff on the channel :)

[@MrVvulf]

Attachment theory is not universally accepted among psychologists. There are major flaws with the premises, methods, and scope of the conclusions drawn by the theory. I encourage people to do their own research regarding attachment theory. Quite a few professionals view it as just another trend in psychology that oversimplifies, overpromises, and underdelivers.

[@Dehangus]

Yeah I don't even have to look it up, you are right.

[@ProfWho-ut5he]

Well said. I am a neuroscientist and studied dating, also working through the studies. In my opinion the attachment style theory is utter nonsense. Bad science, bordering pseudo science.

[@agathachris9722]

Hmm. Interesting stuff

[@MomoSimone22]

One thing that stood out to me was her not really explaining the research behind it all. Basically saying that there is a lot of research on the topic and that it's pretty much proven. Chris did ask for more detail and she didn't give it. For me, longitudinal studies observing how parents care for their childen from birth to when the children are older and can observe their romantic relationships would be better evidence to determine how parenting styles influence attachment later. Because otherwise, I don't know how they draw those conclusions, especially if (and I'm guessing, because I''m not at all across this area of research) they survey adults, because self-report questionnaires are not overly reliable and adults aren't going to have any solid memories of how they were cared for in the very early years of their lives. And our memories are not reliable either, despite how vivid you think you memories are.

[@ProfWho-ut5he]

@@MomoSimone22 People do not just develop an attachment style because parents did this or that. Also, romantic relationships have nothing to do with love and relationships towards parents. Completely different.

[@defendliberty1289]

The biggest problem with modern dating is that it has been poisoned by ideology, feminist mainly. Never again in human history have the two sexes been in such rivalry.

[@defendliberty1289]

@@TheOlzee That's why I blaming feminism, i e. the female side of the equation.

[@agathachris9722]

The biggest problem with the modern dating world is that we are just realizing that our ancestors were right. The average person cannot be relied upon to make good decisions about relationships without the judgment and shame placed by society. There is a reason that almost all cultures in the world, especially the most developed and successful had very strict rules when it came to sex, marriage and the relationship between men and women. While they were far from perfect, there is a reason why such ideals were ideal and they were passed down from generation to generation. It is we who arrogantly deemed everything traditional as backwards when we didn't bother asking why. Till this day, certain people have higher levels of matrimony, fidelity and longevity. People do not understand the correlation with the statistics that says the less partners a person has, the longer they can form meaningful relationships. Women who have had 0-1 partners before marriage are the least likely to divorce, the same for men. The happiest couples and the ones with the longest longevity are the ones who often have "traditional , backwards" ideas.

[@joerapo]

@@agathachris9722 Exactly. In the words of Thomas Sowell "There are no solutions, only tradeoffs". The "solution" of removing the stigma around promiscuity in the sexual revolution was not a solution it was a terrible tradeoff. Those traditions that were "repressive" actually kept the worst parts of human nature under control and was the best compromise between the two sexes.

[@Angelenergy123]

Amazing episode! Thank you, Chris and Jessica 🙏🏼

[@Byenia]

I'm anxious and get where she's coming from and have researched this topic in recent years. But I agree with Chris, the terminology and "trauma talk" makes me cringe too. This industry that's sprang up around these matters is itself pretty cringe, IMO. It's like the way it's being discussed now is childish and overly feminized and pseudo-spiritual -- that's just how it strikes me. Has been being gentle and understanding with myself proved helpful at times? Yes, but so has giving myself harsh reality checks. It's not all about self-love and acceptance out here on the ground, in the real world. We got jacked up and now have self-defeating habits and well-worn neural connections, yes, and that's maddening. No, there's no "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality that will cure it, but then again, there's really no cure for it at all. Finding a compatible relationship partner and learning to communicate more effectively and maturely is probably the best we can hope for. Along with learning to avoid engaging in other destructive or limiting activities/addictions (for soothing or escapism or whatever) that bring in more drama and keep us from being able to see and think clearly. That, in a nutshell, is truly likely the best we can do. Guess I get frustrated with these topics over time. My first step, before anything else would prove useful, was quitting drinking. And yet I rarely hear anyone bringing that up in these sorts of conversations. Is it viewed as simply a given? Or do people assume that's included in learning to "love oneself"? Because I see a lot of enabling going on out here in the world and not as much taking stock of what we can directly control that contributes to our ongoing interpersonal problems and anxiety. The culture itself is anxiety-inducing, and we're impacted by it and perpetuate it with lifestyle choices that aren't serving us well. So, I see a role for tough love in these matters as well, despite that being less popular to discuss currently.

[@daryld149]

The start of this convo is ironic considering how different Baum looks on the thumbnail vs on screen in the interview. Not judging but I’m just noting there’s a pretty significant difference.

[@sononi4798]

Hmm.. she does look different but other than her hair, I don't like she looks less attractive than her pic.

[@HarryJoiner]

Man she’s excellent

[@francisfoley2109]

The problem to for guys who are anxiously attached is there is fine line between a women like a man being emotional and her loosing respect for him.

[@ThomasJDavis]

40:59 I think she misspoke when answering this question. I think what she meant to say is that while it is required of a person to be in a relationship in order for healing to take place, the person with whom the insecure person works through that healing doesn't have to be the romantic partner. So no. You cannot heal your insecure attachment as an individual. You HAVE to be in a romantic relationship in order to heal. And this makes sense because as an anxiously attached person who's just flying solo in life, your nervous system isn't getting activated in the kinds of ways it would be when you're actually becoming attached to someone. There's no problems coming up as an individual. There's no fear of rejection or abandonment, so there's no way to practice solutions to the problem. edit: The unique problem that anxiously attached men face is that women can detect insecurity in men from a thousand miles away. It is one of the most potent turn-offs to women. So an anxiously attached man will have won the lottery if a woman ever were to agree to a relationship with them. But for the rest of anxiously attached men, we are sealed off from healing because women don't want emotional baggage, especially that kind in their man. So these men never get into relationship and they never have the opportunity to heal, so they never become securely attached and never are able to attract women. It's a catch-22. Anxiously attached women can at least get into relationships. They at least have the opportunity to heal because it's not wholly unexpected for a woman to behave in that way. Anxious attachment is stereotyped as a feminine insecure attachment for a reason. The pop-culture term for it is "clingy". What's the pop-culture term for an anxiously attached guy? ...SIMP. And there is no sympathy for someone relegated to that label. It is packaged with contempt, degradation and humiliation. No one cares to understand what's going on behind the scenes. It's just coupled with pure disdain and scornful remarks to get over it.

[@debslagel1132]

Wooooow! This was great! I will be listening to this a few times. Thank you Chris for going deeper and asking her to explain or use different words to explain the feelings and the terms used. This was an excellent conversation! This is why you are the best at what you do! Sorry for all the exclamation marks lol this was really important to talk about.

[@ggstylz]

This has been my favourite discussion on your channel. It describes the human psyche in a nutshell, well done!

[@migah139]

another brilliant episode! learned alot about myself on this one. cheers Chris! keep up the amazing work! ❤❤

[@amospan14]

Really found this insight useful for helping us better understand ourselves and partners attachment styles and healing past traumas. Thank you Jessica and Chris! =)

[@Romie15]

I love this episode! This is so important. It should be taught in school

[@Sisterlisk]

Well researched and excellent questions and commentary at the ready, as ever. I learned a lot, thank you.

[@skauffman74]

Such a beautiful and genuine conversation; really appreciate it. Kindest regards and keep up the good work (both of you).

[@shobisyd5762]

Excellent perspective, especially her account of how co-regulation strategies can clash when avoidant vs anxious people come together, and the irony that the initial basis of attraction is what seeds so much later miscommunication. One way I’ll push back strongly - and this is entirely necessary, given how a feminine groupthink tends to rule the therapy/counseling fields: she relies too much on a simplistic “being scared/needing connection” explanation for male avoidance or aggression, and she seems to take for granted a more socially constructed vs hard-wired neural/physiological basis for differences between men and woman. I find this not so subtly gynocentric, since it *often misconstrues* the behavior of many men: anger and aggression may *not arise from a place of fear at all, but just as likely from one of annoyance, desire for logical consistency, cognitive style, and/or impatience with overblown emotionality etc. Chris seems too polite of a host to push back, but we can’t let such feminine perspectives on masculine interoceptive realities to which they have little access go unquestioned - and more men need to be willing to express their inner lives with sufficient nuance so as not to cede the framing of partner conflict to women by default, as happens in much of the Western world.

[@porlawright]

Also see the late Anne Campbell's research on female aggression and oxytocin.

[@MD-yp7im]

Brilliant woman. Please have her on again ❤

[@Saylessdomore109]

There is a way to heal and become more secure in attachment mainly by inner work but can also be aided from a partner who’s triggering. I’m a therapist and I don’t doom anxious/avoidant pairings to lives of misery together. There are ways these two can have great growth and a strong, balanced relationship. What I work on with any couple who aren’t physically abusive is getting the time down it takes to repair and reconnect. Can we regulate ourselves so we can reconnect. Getting that conflict time down shows the team that they are a team and can overcome and have overcome. Can we see the ratio of good interaction rise while the argument time falls. It can be a fun challenge when the time is documented. Existential therapy helps as well in these situations. Maximizing when many problems are in fact small and totally manageable. Gottman is also helpful with couples as well and communicating. I think attachment and vagal theories are just that. I think they’re a little overstated. We can have anxious or avoidant tendencies but don’t arrest us in those attachments. So yes it’s on an *ugh* spectrum. And yes women tend towards anxious and men towards avoidant. Majority of women are predisposed to anxiety for evolutionary biological reasons and men are more aggressive when vulnerable for, you guessed it; evolutionary biological reasons. Also we can flip flop attachment styles. And when a man is more feminine, women tend to become more avoidant. These dynamics can be fluid or responsive depending on our environment and relationships. Also when she brought up zodiac signs.. she lost me. Lol also the explanation for attachment theory seems rudimentary considering this is her therapeutic lens. IRT isn’t my favorite. The step are mirroring, validating and empathy and honestly society does a lot of that already. This method also includes cradling the partners head and asking them what it was like when they’re little. Let me just say… most men, don’t really resonate with this kind of therapy if one couldn’t gather. A great perk to pairing with an avoidant with anxious is learning to be more self involved and self-regulating. They really can teach each other those missing parts. Then an anxious partner when they feel safe can be more vulnerable and comfortable being affectionate or asking for physical touch… I see it all the time and it’s beautiful. Anyways don’t AVOID people bc you suspect they have maladaptive attachment. We all have our baggage. Let’s not over pathologize.

[@Saint_Nicolo]

Wow, you have amazing podcasts with amazing guests. She is great! Thank you.

[@sublimehoneybee]

Found you through JRE and been binging on the your podcasts! Thanks for getting some great guests. I tuned in at the right time🙏🏽 . Great interview style and your questions on point!

[@rebecca7410]

Nice Baudrillard reference around the 2 minute mark!

[@peter_schomus]

@ 39:00 what an epiphany i had: i feel so comfortable talking with the person who continues to listen and isn't casting signals of judgment. I have needs of processing (especially vocalling) and I can hardly get there because i have few people to talk with like that.

[@vivarc2]

Very interesting episode but a lot bs flags started flying after she said that horoscopes are important to understand for dating. There may be some value in trying to digest what she is saying but it seems to need a lot filtering and moderation.

[@cmtstrong2421]

Hmm interesting subject Chris. Great episode!

[@mariahvega7230]

The circle of security 🙌 sounds like that is what she's talking about.

[@daveyloveable]

Loneliness? I'm 42 and never been in a serious relationship. All I know is loneliness. Finding love seems impossible now.

[@Butterflybishop7001]

I’m sorry David. Don’t give up Appreciate your ability to love the world. God bless

[@colincharan-kumpula6424]

Same here you're not alone brother. One has to put yourself out there but it ain't easy, especially in a world of distractions.

[@wyleecoyotee4252]

Get a cat

[@Saylessdomore109]

Honestly, cheat code:go to church. You’ll find a wife there easily.

[@Butterflybishop7001]

Great conversation 😊l learning so much about myself and relationships❤thank you both 🙏

[@chrissy96]

Thank you so much for this episode. 🙏🏽🥺

[@b.melakail]

Your apprehension towards psychs reminds me of Jonathan Pageaus point during the 'Four Horsemen' podcast by Peterson. That it is not an embodied phenomena nor is it truly a participatory experience. We are trying to take short cuts on the road to wisdom to our detriment

[@kt9495]

I liked the discussion on that here and feel it’s pretty spot on. Ayahuasca came on my radar and I waited 4yrs before I went and had the experience. And it reinforced my intuition and the timing of things because during those years I went deep on my own. When I got to the retreat I was mostly just curious, and very open to anything. A big takeaway and I’ll loosely quote Eric Weinstein…it felt like a construct; at a more quantum level I think consciousness has been infused into “the medicine”, and the shamans that work with it. That doesn’t mean I didn’t observe some major catharsis in others, but I also followed along in a group chat for awhile and most of them couldn’t wait to go back and do it again. Many actually did. What was clear to me and the most profound was how I had been in isolation, and the coming together with the group became a place of true and deep shared connection to life and experience. Perhaps that’s what draws people back to it again and again, aside from the idea that “something is still broken and I must fix it.” Self help and personal growth can be an endless cycle and hold many delusions of their own. There are traps everywhere.

[@Ochtone]

I’m sticking with it because the comments seem positive overall, but in the first five minutes Jessica has (1) failed to understand a basic concept you explained about the love island photos vs Instagram photos, (2) responded to two of your questions with wholly irrelevant answers and (3) said attachment style is even more important than your horoscope (I should hope so!).

[@Ochtone]

Having finished listening, I think there were a few good points in this episode, but generally it continued in the same fashion as in my initial comment. I think Jess may have some really good points to make, but would benefit from training on listening and responding. On several occasions, the answers Jess gave were unrelated to your question, or related loosely but failed to answer at all (not in the sense of saying “we simply don’t know”, but in the sense of being asked what colours exist, for example, and responding by saying you like the ocean, which is blue).

[@zubairkhan-wb5sy]

I disagree. She did understand the social part. She instead delving into the exact point as Chris, she added to it. If she can’t expand on Chris’s point then she should add or just acknowledge it. Which she did. Her response to people perceiving social lives as real lives was: We can choose to be authentic and close to reality on social. This would attract the right people and make them happier when they meet you IRL as you are genuine.

[@uziw]

Mr. Wiliamson, I would like your lightening to accompany me all through my life

[@OlderWomenRock]

Thank You , most helpful 🙏

[@Fanaro]

Very practical tips.

[@whatshappening3327]

I was raised by two explosive parents that got angry at small things. At the chaos of life. And in sense it was righteous anger but it sets up the brain to resent every little Thing that goes wrong in a given day. After awhile I felt defeated by my inability to not get pissed off at everything. This leads to a lack of ambition because I become scared of my own reactions to stress. And yet the irony of this is that at my core I find my parents anger righteous. Because the world Is so blatantly chaotic and uncontrollable so In that sense it stands to reason that ambition is inherently impractical but you have to have a panic/anger issues to realize it and that’s kind of tragic… (I suppose I have a disorganized attachment style. But of course as always..it doesn’t seem to be accurate enough for my standards)

[@beskidwood]

For those who heard and read word "(to) preside" for thr first time in their life - in short, it means "(to) lead".

[@chelseawells1025]

This is a good interview but I wish you’d touched on betrayal trauma/abuse in partner relationships. I’m having a heck of a time differentiating what is childhood stuff and what is from my traumatic marriage.

[@mariatancu]

I dont know where all these hateful comments are coming from, it was one of the few podcasts i watched end to end, and maybe she just resonated with me, but i feel so much better after watching it:)

[@yesterdayseyes]

@@HimmelsDaemon weak people think disagreement equals hate

[@hahamasala]

Great video. I learned a lot but find it interesting that the focus is on anxious attachment. as somebody who has an avoidant attachment style, let me tell you that it's hell and we are seen as the bad guy or the narcissist. Great to hear that we're not.

[@linussaurian4000]

Trying to catch a Fish... you don't ask a Fish how to catch it... lol

[@asho345]

Of course women are more anxious. We’re wired to care for vulnerable infants and it is a good idea to be sensitive to potential threats. At the same time, we are also wired for greater empathy and pro social behaviors because having multiple children involves the fair allocation of resources to each child to increase the rate of developmental success. Once a threat has been identified, men can get their hands dirty and solve the problem. You don’t want men to be to anxious regarding the ethics of killing a predator. And you don’t want women too emotionally callous to care for her children. The delicate balance between the sexes is disappearing because men are often resentful for having to channel their emotions into something productive, while women get to express theirs freely. This leads to poor pair bonding and the generation of attachment issues.

[@gwho]

it's possible that you're both right. say the skew is 60-40. it's about the same and it's also more skewed towards women. but i think you and her would both agree it isn't super skewed like 90-10

[@andrewmcfarlane7901]

Love your stuff and podcast as a whole. As someone who has done psychedelics, I would say its better to avoid speaking on it until you have the experience. Not to say what was shared here was totally off base. But it lacks the understanding in my observation because there is so much more to it than what was touched on.

[@RegulusOrigin]

No, it was totally off base. One can’t even come close to understanding what a psychedelic experience does for the mind until they have a truly powerful psychedelic experience and intimately feel the energetic basis for their own consciousness. These two were talking about it like a recreational drug that you keep coming back to for dependency. I know very few people who have done powerful psychedelics more than a few times; they are as unsettling as they are profoundly and acutely healing. As a wise man once said, once you get the message, you hang up the telephone. Couldn’t be more true for powerful psychedelics.

[@sebastianrubio928]

1 big flaw in this interview, in part due to the interviewer => Why not go into the actual science? I'm talking going deep into the subject, I've seen Chris do it in previous interviews. This whole thing sounded too much like bro science. There's several parts I simply didn't buy, but I remain open to any science and I will look up other interviews hoping to find her talking science. I can't justify getting a book if it's bro science, once convinced, then it's a whole other matter. She was just telling him all these "facts", but he didn't question anything, he didn't ask for explainations. I was like 40 mins and I started to wonder, this interview is pretty shallow. I finished it all and I still wonder: is this all BS or is there actual science to back this up? In my experience, not all studies follow the proper scientific method, many studies use questionable means to get their results, this is exactly why I would love to see where she gets her data.

[@joben2191]

She had me interested.... until she said "Horoscope" .. I'm out ✌

[@chrisbrown6920]

Chris was too polite to say anything but yeah, that's game over

[@Sisterlisk]

Everything else sounded right, though.

[@Talpiot8200]

Is this the chick from Smallville? All jokes asides, phenomenal episode. I relived so many of my past relationships when the anxious-avoidant dynamic conversation kicked in. Thank you for all the insights!

[@ThomasJDavis]

What's the difference between a partner "meeting your attachment needs" and a partner enabling insecure attachment?

[@ladyyorgana1827]

Should have talked about disorganized attachment

[@cat108gbo]

What about the feerfull avident?

[@chrisandrews3793]

21:07❤❤❤ 38:20😊

[@tomtom21194]

Mostly interesting, I appreciated Chris trying to get her to break down her jargon and buzz words a bit

[@iamchicharon]

Hmm I don't think I agree with the point at 1.14hrs - we can't form a healthy relationship with self if we don't have external healthy relationship (or something to that degree) - I think we need to take a step back and make sure we're self aware of our wounds and knowing what a healthy relationship is before using an external relationship to heal. I think it's dangerous to push external relationships for healthy healing, if we don't know what that would look like.

[@eaf888]

resonates

[@Sukmuhnutz]

I don't even know how to find a relationship let alone work on one. Lmao! More lock downs coming down the line too gonna make things harder to meet someone, hard not to be a doomer these days with the rich ruining everything. 🤣

[@red_adept]

Listening to these physiological romance experts makes me feel less human, cause a lot of the things they perpose as a given are just not true for me.

[@francescos7361]

Beastly mode , beast mode , di bestie come BESTIE TOTALI ; TOTALIZZANTI !!!!

[@bezoznaught5261]

Im pretty sure im an anxious/avoidant, i sabotage myself sometimes just automatically

[@RegulusOrigin]

Always hilarious to hear people who have never used serious psychedelics try to speculate about what a powerful psychedelic experience is like. Good luck with that 😂

[@wyleecoyotee4252]

What about apathetic unattached

[@speckles9251]

OMG ... Feed that to the next big AIs.

[@jaywalks9918]

For guys, work at getting and maintaining a good group of male friends.

[@beskidwood]

Anxious attacyment style seen as narcississm. And how a.a.s. corresponds with otber attachment styles. @37.50 -40.10 passage This comment is kind of personal note, but perhaps it may be valuable for somwbody.

[@chrisandrews3793]

16:19❤

[@juhel5531]

This makes it sound like Freud hit on something with intuitive knowledge but didn't have the intellectual framework to test for it.

[@killa-ma-jig7281]

I feel attacked