How to Deal with People Who Suck

HOW TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE WHO SUCK
We all have someone in our lives that we get frustrated with because they don't see things our way, or do what we think they're supposed to be doing. And in this video I'm going to teach you how to deal with the people in your life who seem to have a knack for pissing your off, and what I'm about to teach you is something you've probably never learned before. This tool is incredibly powerful when we're able to take a step back and reflect and respond instead of react when we're feeling triggered. I hope you love this tool as much as I do.
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[@kararonin]

Everybody has a different "rule book". This is so helpful in understanding difficult people. Thanks Julia!

[@juliakristinamah]

Really glad it helped Kara. It takes some practice, awareness and thoughtfulness to use this tool, but when we do, it's a game changer.

[@admirbarucija2018]

I’ve been getting more patient with difficult people and simply cutting them out of the picture to the extent possible! For example, toxic friendships I’ll throw away very quickly because it’s not worth the frustration. I hope you’re having a lovely day 💕

[@Ilias24.]

I have it with my brother and cousin I learned to deal with there things and dont get to my just dismiss stuff

[@admirbarucija2018]

Aplias 20 That’s a good way to handle things, don’t let them get in your head as you’re amazing!

[@anitaroempke7310]

So glad to read that, i do the same now.

[@Rob9mm]

Took me a long time but I finally cleaned house as well. So over due! But at least it happened.

[@admirbarucija2018]

Robert K Glad to hear it! It’s so liberating.

[@VideoCesar07]

So true. We often create difficulties not because others are difficult but, like you said, trying to put our own rulebook on top of someone elses. Everyone has their own set of rules based on their own values, experiences and upbringings. Just because they are different does not mean they are wrong but that's how we tend to look at it. "I'm trying t help them! Why won't they listen?" Cause their rules work for them and for all we know they are perfectly fine with what we see as a poor way to live or a bad choice. Just throw the suggestion out there and let it go.

[@BrotherTree1]

I think it depends what you mean by different because there's various contexts when it comes to encountering differences - for example, what factors are you comparing differences against, how do you measure the extent of differences, how do you define it in each level of differences and where do you draw the line between tolerable and intolerable for each type of matter being assessed (and what to do about them and how to act responsibly if they're tolerable, neutral or intolerable), etc. Yes, not all of them are "wrong" in an absolute total judgement per se. Having said that, there is definitely such a thing as a moral and ethical "wrong" because, individually and collectively speaking, that seems to be one of the key barometers of how we orient our way of living/being and so anything that endangers that with long term detriment is definitely a form of wrong. There's bigger and lesser wrongs, and the lesser ones can be debatable subjectively (hence I think that's where it's not always considered a "wrong" thing and it's probably closer to something like "preferences") , whereas the bigger ones (that worsen/destroy a bigger chunk of our lives across time with added unnecessary suffering, from present to future) are more obvious as they're more consistently measurable and testable, and therefore more empirical collectively as experienced and learnt by us as the human race.

[@BrotherTree1]

If it's possible to summarise this in a nutshell, then I think it would be perhaps something along the lines of this: look to work towards peace, not to win and dominate. And to put your matters forward, openly, truthfully and forthrightly in the least amount of force and malice possible. If they don't reciprocate in that proposed negotiation, and/or you feel that your negative emotions (e.g. Anger, frustration, stress, sadness, hopelessness, etc.) are beginning to boil over towards fight-or-flight reaction to say or do something (ie. Those feelings are manifesting into bitter, vengeful, retaliatory behaviours), then before you let it get there (unless you seriously want to cause more trouble), say or indicate how you feel as soon as possible (as well as warn the person that you might "flip out" and that you don't think it's best for either one of you to go there as a consequence of a negotiation that's too unfair and mistreating) to prevent that from happening and also say where you draw the line (ie. Boundaries), stick to that with your behaviours from there on in and, if necessary, say you need time out and then depart the situation indefinitely or until both individuals are ready to have a more thoughtful and productive interaction. If not, then remain apart from each other to maintain or develop resolution and peace.

[@SamMartinPeakPerformance]

amen to that

[@craig3714]

I know alot of difficult people their is no reasoning with them Julia .

[@juliakristinamah]

Exactly.

[@knowtruth2773]

I was thinking along the lines of, if their "Rulebook" allows for certain types of things I don't subscribe to, why should I even be around them? Wish someone would have told me I could block 🚫 certain people when I was younger. Would have saved me from much emotional damage through the years. I'm getting too old to deal with Tom foolery.

[@ashleyavicolli4834]

Thank you Julia. This really helped me today. At my job, a lot of what we do is working within a team to accomplish major goals, and there are a lot of butting personalities. I have always been kind of a lone wolf and hands on doing everything - type personality. Your talk really brought some clarity to some disagreements I've been having with coworkers. The concept that everyone has their own rule book makes a lot of sense. You're never going to get someone else to run by your own book. But understanding that everyone has a different way of looking at things and notions of what is a right or wrong way to act is understandable. Something I may find disrespectful may be another's way of being "efficient and to the point" as you've said. So, thank you! And I hope to unlearn and relearn and grow continuously striving to be a better person every day with teachings like this. Thank you again!

[@carefulcarpenter]

You have finally freed yourself once you are joyful regularly, and not bothered by the freedom of others. 🌼

[@juliakristinamah]

I love this.

[@nurifit5179]

HELP! I cannot stop watching your videos! God bless you, and all of your hard work!

[@juliakristinamah]

lol. This made my day. Thanks brother.

[@terressamcgrath4355]

Totally!!! I have been telling all my girlfriends! I have a job that allows me some down time so I have really been trying better myself during that time! She speaks to me!!

[@KarleneA380]

Thank you Julia. This is an incredibly helpful tool. It clicked! I'm going to use it going forward.

[@juliakristinamah]

Music to my ears! So glad it connected Karlene.

[@Nova1-]

Fellow clinician here. You are by far my favorite self help channel because of your piercing insight and straightforward delivery. Thank you for your amazing work.

[@NenaLavonne]

You have amazing timing, lovely lady! Being able to emotionally distance ourselves from difficult people is SUCH a blessing. Fantastic video. Wishing everyone an extraordinary day!

[@SCzxjk]

A very pleasant lady

[@juliakristinamah]

You too Nena!

[@ron_r]

Thanks you said it so beautifully🤝

[@kimhowell-torres8402]

Thank you so much, Julia. I'll be sharing this. Your perspective/teaching here makes so much sense. Unfortunately, I'm guilty of being difficult. Especially with my loved ones. And, thanks to you, I better understand. Your "rule book" concept rings so true & authentic. Which helps me realize I can try and be more flexible and also more hopeful that we can be more understanding of each other. I am grateful to you.

[@kararonin]

I love what you said at the end of the video about how it's not about getting people to play by your rule book!

[@juliakristinamah]

We can ask, but not force.

[@ron_r]

Hi Julia!! I love your tools and this is just on time!❣ i am already seeing people through the rulebook filter and already feel some inner power when deeling with others

[@marywheeler7196]

Thank you for sharing this. What I was able to take away from this: I need to set better boundaries with my spouse and let him know, in a gentle way, what I need from him. Hopefully I can articulate my boundaries in a non threatening way. Thank you Julia for making me think in a different way.

[@velvetambuski1973]

This makes so much sense. The way these videos are presented make it so much easier to understand and potentially utilize the information.

[@TouchMeNice]

Hey Julia, These Videos are Revolutionary. I've been a subscriber for a year and a half. Keep up the great work!

[@isaacboyd5046]

I thank you for what you do Julia. You helped me through a seperation, divorce, and child custody issues. Your current content on dealing with difficult people has reframed how I think about my recent interactions with colleagues at work in law enforcement. Again, thank you for what you do. Peace and joy.

[@juliakristinamah]

Music to my ears Isaac. Good for YOU for doing the work.

[@isaacme3277]

I love this channel. It is helping me a lot. What's puzzling is that all these things are obvious once you have been told how things work. I looked this up because I was making a dreaded duty visit to my very elderly parents. Listening to this video I thought: she's not saying what to do... This is never going to work. During the visit I had a mantra: Rulebook, different generation, end of life stage where the filter button doesn't work anymore. And now I'm having a very nice time, with boundaries, rule book understanding and things I am responsible for and things I'm not responsible for. Thanks!

[@belindavoronoff3739]

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and theories around our individual rule books . I recently discovered you on KZbin .... and am so grateful and thankful to your insights and work . Always look forward to more real life situations faced daily and how to cope , manage or become better or improve ones self. Thanks so much .

[@adamdenard7573]

Love your stuff 💕 it's already helping ..I am interested in the shift society but tackling other big issues at moment but my time will come

[@Eduardado]

I love this framing. It makes people not good or bad but incompatible at times. Also, it never focuses on "changing" other people. A big trigger for me: when I talk to my parents and they simply leave the room. They don't make the effort of saying: "can we talk later I'm busy now". That's huge for me and I don't know what to do.

[@juliakristinamah]

Have you told them you find this hurtful?

[@Eduardado]

@@juliakristinamah Hi Julia thanks so much for asking! Yes, I've been doing it for... maybe 1 and a half years. I started therapy 2 years ago and I realised I have a lot of problems due to how my parents have treated me since I was a little boy... Sadly, the effort of speaking up is only working on my end but that's ok. I'm learning how to be more assertive. Even if my heart goes crazy and my hands shake. That's why I like your framing so much because regardless of how other people end up behaving toward us, it's important to be aware that sometimes we are not the problem... is just that the rule book of other people have it written: "I can treat the person X the way I want because the reason Y" and that doesn't have anything to do with our value as a person. Thx Julia!

[@JC-ke7mj]

Greetings from Texas! On the waiting list- This is great information. I think this is something I have made a conscious effort to do in a "different language" - meaning, give people the benefit of the doubt, make no assumptions and there is no such thing as control. Just try to be nice in the sandbox even if their sandcastle may not appear to resemble any sandcastle I've seen before... Ha From this point of view, you're the best in this field on the internet. I always look forward to your posts. You are very much appreciated- Thank you!

[@myr940]

Hello miss Julia. I found you today while searching for self-respect and boundaries articles. someone mentioned your videos are very helpful, specially for the women in society. Im currenty watching your 3rd video in a raw and I love your energy and little jokes (ex the cleaning God thing). I wish your words will stuck in my head and start changing my life. Im 28 years old and I really have to sharpen my behavior towards others crossing my boundaries. Feeling guilt and a bad person for making others feeling bad after you make clear your boundaries is my problem and I'll change my view on this. I would definitely love/choose to work with a councelor like you if you were in my country. Keep sharing your work, is really helpful/clear and easy to point and with good energy.

[@soumyahegde1181]

Extremely useful... Thank you so much. Now I understand why ex- boss was the way she was towards me and I now know how to understand myself better.

[@thenebraskan6977]

Thank You Julia for you and your work. You are so inspiring! I feel so uplifted when I see you and listen to your videos. May You and your family be blessed by our LORD and have a wonderful Christmas 🎄.

[@sonriks2]

Great information content. Love your advice and straight forward delivery. The logic and breakdown of every point made are on point and from your view I have learned so much. Thank you

[@lisakeatingyoga]

Love this video!! I had never thought about difficult people like this before. Makes for way more peaceful, happy living 💖✌thank you! 🤗

[@thekingcrab1345]

This is exactly what I needed, thanks a bunch! ♥️

[@juliakristinamah]

Absolutely. Glad you're here

[@xxtnick3026]

The truth is some difficult ppl keep coming closer and their rule book is to cause trouble on you so they feel comfortable and pleased.

[@vprice777vp]

Very helpful info & you are so well spoken, deliberate no nonsense & "spot on"! You are refreshing...thank you

[@dettidobrocsi6395]

Back again.....the perfect time,Brilliant video 🙋‍♀️😊❤

[@annasmith9494]

Thank you! Very powerful stuff!

[@jodydavis6238]

I really needed to hear this!! Thank you.

[@lisakrushinski9436]

This video was SO helpful! Thank you!

[@juliakristinamah]

I'm really glad to hear that - thanks for being here Lisa.

[@threewolfshirt700]

Hi everyone I am so excited to have found this space on KZbin. I’m on the wait list!

[@joshuaprince9015]

Good & helpful advice there Kristina. Enjoyed listening to what you had to say. Have dealt with my fair share of difficult people over the years. And its been anything but easy. Never actually thought about they were using there own playbook. Light just clicked on. Hope your having a g[d start to your own day

[@ranjanaluwihare1511]

Julia, your soo great & real! Wonderful insight!Thankyou Rx

[@Rachel-yc4zz]

Thank you. This makes a lot of sense.

[@juliakristinamah]

So glad it connected with you Rachel.

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

I LOVE this analogy and have often thought this myself!! 🙌☺️

[@juliakristinamah]

Love that we're on the same page with this.

[@andreagiroux3796]

This is an excellent perspective to use. Thank you!!

[@lylahboling6383]

But what happens when I am the one who is considered the difficult person?

[@chanuppuluri8726]

Then realize the rules you make that make you so difficult to deal with are YOUR rules and other people have different rules. (And you don't have to give up yours, but it wouldn't be very considerate to make them change theirs.)

[@ericseal4453]

If possible, get FAR AWAY FROM THEM! (I have encountered this situation many times in my 49 years.)

[@izawaniek2568]

Great video, very insightful and helpful. Thank you.

[@lesliengo8347]

Very helpful information. I learn something new and a lot of practical stuff from you. Keep the great content coming!

[@margheritemise3919]

Hello! Shifter!!! Glad that I found you. Thank you.

[@briankuykendall678]

Appreciate the videos. Been listening to them lately. Keep it up

[@amyzee714]

I think rule book is equal to everybody’s personal choices n boundries ... thank God i never push any one’s boundry n try to let ppl be easy in front of me but only till their own boundry.

[@craigmerkey8518]

Beautiful as always! For me it comes down to habits and choices. I really do try to have two way conversations/dialogues with my parent. I have independently diagnosed them with NPD. We were "chatting" a few days a go... When I was a young child I realized this person's "rule book" has two pages, 1.) control, 2.) winning (ego hits). I have been home (153 days as of 08.12.2020 due to the pandemic) During this "conversation" I mentioned I organized my closet and sent a few things to the dry cleaners to keep busy. One of the many triggers for them is a fixation around money. During most conversations they find a way to work in "how people spend way way too much money." I got to hear for the millionth time how ridiculously horribly expensive dry cleaning is. My request during this conversation would be stop making things up! Since I know the contempt will be there no matter what, I choose to be my authentic self. This time the the control really leveled up. They added dry cleaning is so expensive very few people in the state which they live (it is a small state) ever go to the dry cleaner......... deep breaths deep breaths... it is like a comedy routine at this point but without union writers! The total population of the three closest towns with in 18 miles of my parents is about 14,000 none have a dry cleaner. When I asked where they found these details... the answer was it is "common knowledge." Someday I will get to wear my beautifully pressed clothes out in public.

[@pediatricianmother9833]

Hi Ur lectures are amazing and inspiring. Keep on going the good work.. It has definitely changed my life..

[@evamussio7533]

I have found your videos the most helpful content ever ❤ well done 👏

[@fingerprint5511]

Thank you 🙏🏼

[@juliakristinamah]

Absolutely. Glad you're here.

[@johnberry2366]

Hello Julia. Thanks for your advice on dealing with the problem of difficult people. John.

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I find a parent and sibling difficult sometimes because my brother Bryant just doesn’t respect my privacy and my mother and I just don’t see eye to eye and wants me to follow her rule book.

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I wish my brother would just leave my belongings alone.

[@Christieinthejourney]

Hey it’s Christie from Seattle! Great advice! Here I thought they should do what I want them to do! 🤪

[@etchyoussef1080]

I appreciate all what you said in this episode .. you are a lifee-savior

[@juliakristinamah]

Glad you're here friend - and that it connected.

[@ramprasathpunithan9926]

Hi. This is someone from India. Sending love for all your content♥. Watched two of'em yesterday. And im already sure this is gonna be an amazing life saviour too... Being an empath myself, i feel i could vibe with you much❤❤

[@jderekito]

I literally needed to hear this today thanks

[@yvonnemariehorvatr.h.n.nut3315]

I agree with your statement. it can be that possibility a rule book. but I believe outside of this rule book theory, I believe it comes down to lack of respect, understanding and maturity to recognize that others are different and those ways are not bad. Too often, it ends up being a quarrel about whose way is better. People have to start focusing on loving each other and stop fault finding with the way we do things, then agreements can be reached.

[@natashadziesinski2916]

Hello Julia Sometimes I am a few days behind on watching your videos but I still watch them and I love them. #shifter

[@silentgrove7670]

I came to this realization a few years ago, "The rulebook" It's nice to hear it from someone else that is a psychologist and has looked at this and found a way to accept it. For example one of my rules is "Look after the planet and the other species we share it with.". I don't understand why most people would not have this rule.

[@joyleenstrozier4295]

Hi, my name is Joyleen. I like your content. I love watching your channel.

[@juliakristinamah]

Hey Joyleen - so glad you're here. Welcome!

[@ShunyamNiketana]

This reminds me of something a counselor said to me years ago after I complained that a difficult person wasn't "playing by the rules." He frowned and said, "Everyone plays by the rules." More to the point, we have little choice but to get annoyed, express a resentment, or be happy even when someone forgets to put the toilet seat down again and we have said down on the rim at four a.m. But when the "difficult" person is a boss and a controller, then life gets difficult, too. It still helps to see them and their weaknesses clearly and to lower our expectations--not standards--for support.

[@robert5263]

Thank You 😊

[@davidbruce6479]

Hi kristina, ur content has really been helpful thanks , I'd like to get into you shift groups but couldn't work out how .

[@cindybassil5946]

❤ thank you!

[@anitaroempke7310]

Hi Julia so nice to ser you again!

[@evamussio7533]

Thank you do much for your very helpful videos xxx

[@Dream-bebe]

Rule Book 📚 wow ! What a concept. This video unpacks a lot of questions.😊❤

[@patriciamcguire-huggins1047]

Hello, I am back I love your videos they are really helpful and needed. Thank You!

[@soomitramanekporia3433]

Thank you - you are like a life line

[@kerrynsteele5653]

hi I have been enjoying your videos, learning lots :)

[@ScottRiddleArtist]

There seems to be a pandemic of insincere people. I encounter a 99% population of bullshit people where I live. All talk, but rarely impeccable to their word. I have to learn to truly expect everyone is just talking and saying things . To make themselves feel better . And not truly meaning to follow through with what they say and promise. It makes it difficult to socialize and connect .

[@goonjagandhi4090]

We are usually told in our childhood that if we do good things the outcome would be good... And so we go to great extents to do good things... But when we get nothing in return we are literally shattered... I was actually shattered when I heard this at first from a counselling session I had... Because it takes huge efforts being ethical towards difficult people it REALLY REALLY DOES.... but yes you are absolutely right that the solution is to just cuttoff and set the right boundries.... Because the argument that you made makes things extremely convinent for even criminal like attitudes which is completely unfair... I don't agree with it completely because I think people do face a lot of genuine crap from toxic people... They CANNOT BE JUSTIFIED.... HONESTLY they Cannot be... But yes making boundries and knowing when to cut off yes that is an accurate advice... But please don't justify toxic people... Please don't... I have had first hand bad experiences... And honestly I have been nice to them till they have reached the point where they DO NOT FEEL ADDICTED TO THEIR TOXICITY OR EVEN THE NEED OF IT.... but they DO RELAPSE.... and when they do it conciously IT IS UNJUSTIFIED COMPLTELY UNJUSTIFIED... but yes creating boundries is the most accurate way to deal...

[@MariaSantos-gm7ps]

Thank you”

[@JC-nw4km]

Another great video!

[@elmera.latorre9875]

Omg yes!!! Supportiveness = supporting people to follow their own rulebook 🌠

[@Mistymegaccinomoments]

Love your stuff

[@happysmile427]

Love this, I had no idea we all have rule books

[@StcyBRD]

I grew up following "The Golden Rule.". It was warped and pretty much was 'make sure you follow my rules or else bad thing I life will happen to you.' BS... and now here I am trying to figure out what the rules are to my own game of life.... It's exhausting and exciting at the same time. It's my game I make the rules, but it's a pretty intricate game, and there are a lot of rules I'm still figuring out and trying to set boundaries for.

[@flowergirlicart3949]

My name is Traci, glad I found you!

[@maryhamilton2027]

This makes sense👏

[@juliakristinamah]

Really glad it connected

[@wendyvasquez6063]

New #shifter here! Exploring strategies for minimizing my suffering. Thank you for your words @4:03! Over the past two weeks, I am shifting and feeling more anchored and centered and much less preoccupied by People Who Suck. So grateful for these skills, yo! =D

[@user-mh6ix3zr8c]

This was so validating

[@jenniferlaird9047]

Thanks Jools :)

[@dougarnold7955]

Thanks. 4:31...this is a really good point and a great way to walk through each day. My truth is not their truth. 😊👍 8:41...right. It's very important to work for people who work in ways that I feel comfortable with!

[@k3v1n37]

This is awesome and very similar to "The Four Agreements" .. Don't take anything personally, everyone is the star of their own movie. Great insight and reminders.. now how to apply to my twin tweens!?

[@yoramalon5273]

Very insightful. Julia kristina is funny witty this time. Every person has a personal "rule book", but also a "cover". Some people come in soft cover, some in hard cover. People with soft cover, has hard rule book. People with hard cover , has soft rule book. The greater the gap from cover to book, the deeper the person. If both the cover and the book are the same, you are dealing with a deranged person/ disordered. Personally i never deal with people who suck, i dont let them get too close, or avoid them altogether. I am not sure i understand accurately the concept of "suck", since english is not my first language.

[@user-zo6tf8cb9w]

#shift. Hey just started listening to you. Very impressed 😃👍

[@cindyb8775]

Julia, my husband is so critical and sharp tongued. I grew up in an Italian household and I never heard my father speak to my mother such as he does me. We have been married 37 yr. I am not well physically and I do not handle it as well as I used too. I am in it for the long haul but I need help in how do handle it so as not to become nervous and then over eat or obsess or become despondent. Any further ideas you could pass my way. Soon as I can afford it, I will definitely be a shifter. Much love. you are a blessing to me.

[@juliakristinamah]

Cindy, this sounds like verbal abuse - do you think it is? It also sounds like he may have some anger issues - do you think?

[@SCzxjk]

If only everyone was like you life would be so much easier 😄.I soppose all I can do is try to keep my side of the street clean. Keep up the good work 😁

[@TheMalikTwins]

I was trying to get that dot on the top left off of my screen for like a solid 5 minutes.

[@juliakristinamah]

Hilarious! It's a hook for a picture that normally hangs on that wall, but looks awkward in the videos. Good eye brother.

[@rono1rono]

First time listeners... You said you were going to give listeners the/a tool to deal with difficult people, so I was intrigued. I got the part about everyone has their own rule book, in the first few minutes. I didn't need more examples, so I fast forwarded to the end--and I didn't find out what your "tool" is. Do I need to join your "shifter" organization to get that?

[@aikidoRick]

I like this video. I never thought of each of us have a different rule book.

[@silascochran9705]

Thanks for reposting some of these as I told you in my last comment I've been skipping classes lately I don't bounce off of walls I go through them 🦅🇺🇸💪I'm doing okay though really🤠👍🏚

[@MariaSantos-gm7ps]

Hello Thank you

[@aanandee3306]

logical....tnx

[@chrisdigitalartist]

A great reminder that people aren't really trying to be difficult, just playing by their own rule books. Also, remind myself that you can't SHOULD on people. Having those expectations. For those who may see this comment, that is a concept or disrtorted thought that we go over in Shift Society. See ya later in Zoom Julia! #Shifter

[@ezio_3602]

That explains why Woodes Rogers captured Nassau in Assassin’s Creed Black Flag

[@nathanhagen8874]

Hello! Much thanks for the insight!! #shifter