How To Deal With Your Toxic Relatives | Mel Robbins

[@jennywinget1144]

I have had to distance myself from most of my family. I feel more at peace with my decision.

[@belle4057]

Need to do this. Have a toxic in law she physically assaulted and left me in a mess

[@lifeofbeauty]

I love that for you🤍, you just gave me some inspiration🧚🏽

[@lifeofbeauty]

Arabel Lim that disrespect. cut your energy from her 🤍

[@alexandramateo4444]

Thank you for sharing Jenny , I just recently did the same thing and I don’t regret it . Why? Bc I have a husband and two boys to think about and I refuse to have them around that negative and toxic energy!!

[@alexandramateo4444]

Arabel Lim wow!! That’s not cool stay the hell away from her!! You don’t need that!

[@reardelt]

Family members can be the biggest impediment to your success.

[@rachellecox7658]

Profuond truth!

[@mightyobserver12]

This is so true. They impede your plans.

[@reardelt]

@@mightyobserver12 The only way forward is to disown and distance yourself from them. I had to do that. I'm happier now

[@davidtamsel3968]

@@reardelt so am i my sister always talks behind my back wont give her my number or take anything to do with her i actually hope i dont meet her in the street as i dont want to

[@tmag5016]

Sooooo true

[@fatherleo4603]

How to deal with toxic relatives? Move far, far away and never return.

[@AB-dd7yo]

That's what I did, I even stopped talking to some of them and I'm so much happier 🙏

[@LuffyDsan]

Next motivational speaker is here

[@BlackKettleRanch]

And a highly narcissistic, selfish solution. Hopefully, they find you nauseating enough that they don't care. Hopefully, you're not using children as trump cards in your game.

[@leannakekai162]

Often when someone wants to stay away from family like that it is actually because the relatives that are being avoided are narcissistic, or some other kind of toxic people. There are people who have narcissistic or alcoholic parents who continue to emotionally abuse their adult children who feel obligated to spend holidays with them. You mention children. Children should certainly not be exposed to mean, toxic people just because it's the holidays. I think we can agree that holidays should be a safe and happy time for them. I hope your holidays are spent with nice people. ✌🙂

[@leannakekai162]

Exactly. Nobody's perfect, but if your really have a horrible, toxic person or people in your life who don't care about your feelings you shouldn't feel obligated to spend the holidays or any other time with them.

[@jennboyermusic]

I love this, but would add one thing. If the toxic person you’re dealing with is abusive in any way (verbally, emotionally or physically), empathizing with them can be dangerous. If you empathize with someone like that, there is a chance it will keep you around longer and just destroy you. Sometimes it’s better to cut certain people completely out of your life - even if they’re “family”.

[@dianalaurau]

and what if it is not possible? What if you have to see the abusive parent again at a reunion, wedding or funeral? playing victim all the time and abuse you emotionally again and again?

[@karenadams2512]

I have family their loving have conversations with me almost on a daily basis after I've served their purpose then they cut me off don't respond or answer my text, phone calls they call back after a week or so throw me a bone I lap it up and it's back to all over again to not answering my calls. Totally frustrating I'll get depressed blame myself well must be me I'm too toxic for her. NO it's HER she has a history of this behavior with me and I'm sick of it. I hope someday she gets her own medicine back to her. It feels like I'm being picked up then dropped on a concrete floor. I don't need it.

[@myfuturepuglife]

Right. Because they will stay in that negative manipulative loop for as long as you allow it and it wrecks my health and takes me a week or longer to recover. Totally agree!

[@pollytheparrot8929]

@@myfuturepuglife yeaa so true.. I have headache and cry, if I think too much into it, how and why of their behavior.. I believe I have narcissistic parents. Seriously want to get out!

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I agree, my mother raised me to consider putting my own feelings first as a massive betrayal of her so I've had to train myself not to have empathy for her. In order to wriggle out of the enmeshment. She has demonised me of course but I know that all I did was stand firm in my own interpretation of events (in a gaslit swamp)

[@JudgeJulieLit]

A "family" is meant to be a mutually supportive safe haven, not a viper pit.

[@STMARTIN009]

My nuclear family and even my MIL and FIL are great. It's the sister in laws and various aunts on my mom's side that are the problem. Fam on Father's side are more reserved which is nice.lol

[@purpledancerbmw5279]

No one ever said that.

[@sakhilemathumo-mhodi2901]

Judge looks like you are talking to me about my family !😂😂😂😂

[@purpledancerbmw5279]

@@sakhilemathumo-mhodi2901 but don't you feel vindicated and realize it's not just you or yours and as my cuz calls it the Rockwell pics are a durn lie. Connect with your God and keep it moving. I wasted 67 years. Use therapy and whatever it takes to shut down them and the old tapes in your head. Nice guys may finish last, but at least in peace.

[@MarcShare4Profit]

When will people understand you do not need to interact with family. There is no law you have to interact with family. I kicked out some family members out of my life years ago. Be a wolf and not some faking sheep. Grtz from the Netherlands.

[@mjparham6430]

Indeed you Are so Right!

[@hawwaahmed772]

Not all of us are lucky enough to be able to do that, we are bound by rules, you so lucky.

[@eaumartineau7890]

Be wise as a fox, yet gentle as a dove!!! ❤❤❤

[@11111mhmhmh]

@@hawwaahmed772 la..fish kawaneen..7ai 7ayatak!

[@elle7981]

It's hard when your mom get's along with them and invites them to the house though.

[@reyesqueen2469]

Some people dont understand depression anxiety PTSD and they put u down calling u names making u feel like ur worth nothing

[@leannakekai162]

It's true. I think when it comes to people who are that mean (especially if it's their abuse that caused our depression, anxiety or PTSD) we should just stay away from them, especially at holidays. Holidays are supposed to be about expressing love and sharing happy times with people we care about who also care about us in my opinion. Happy Holidays to you.✌🙂

[@73cidalia]

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt. It’s not what they say or think. It’s how you react. Their opinions are theirs. You don’t need their approval nor support. Find the people who understand you, and ignore the rest.

[@candyluna2929]

Exactly. That's why I avoid it.

[@mjparham6430]

@@73cidalia Words Have Power

[@wandawaaa7974]

Is true, I'll never understand. I had anxiety depression... i hated it. I looked for solutions that worked for me, Sedona method, the works of byron katie. I am a happy person, who is also very serious. -- As soon as I become aware of a habbit, behavior or thinking pattern that is not serving me... than I must deal with it. My Mom loved to play the comparison game, and I would straight up tell her that I am not those people. Yes, we argued. I still respect her bc she raised us well on her own. And she my not know how to express her feelings, but I've observed how she dealt with anyone who tried to talk shit about me... she stands up for me, because she also respects me. (Unless she's upset with me.)

[@maiaautumne2167]

I just don’t go, simple. If they can respect me and my feelings/opinions why should I spend my holidays with them?

[@stephaniestevens1175]

Amen!

[@shelleykieboom2312]

Excacly!

[@LuizSMatos-dr9tz]

Yves!

[@alexandramateo4444]

Thank you Michelle good to know I’m not the only one!

[@JudgeJulieLit]

*can't

[@cor-z8m]

I truly believe that we are meant to live independently when we become adults . Away from family. Create your new family with like minded people. This is pure joy!

[@vickigonzalez1714]

@RainbowDreams30 I'm with you on this. Why spend a holiday, like Christmas (which I love) with people that make it miserable for me? I'd rather not even be an observer of a train wreck. No thank you! I'd rather be with friends or people that actually care about me.

[@purpledancerbmw5279]

Amen! We pick our friends!!!!

[@leahtheanimationfan40]

A lot of this video made me think of the movie "The Ultimate Gift." So good

[@purpledancerbmw5279]

Yes!!! Because family think they know you and don't allow you to grow and change! Yes, yes, yes!

[@purpledancerbmw5279]

@@vickigonzalez1714 I'm thinking funerals illness too, say thanks, acknowledge pretend like you're going and just don't show. What are they going to do, talk about you bad?? They do that anyway.🤷

[@Mysterious_Moon]

It's more pity instead of empathy. I'm not interested in pretending to be in their shoes, when the emotional turmoil many of us experienced was from 0-18+ and these people are still unwilling to behave. I was never allowed to be myself or I was the bad person, so the less contact the better.

[@claudiacastillo5898]

Mysterious Moon seems like you had narc family members

[@keyanna2633]

A FREAKING MEN!!!! I AM TIRED OF HAVING EMPATHY honestly the problem is I too much empathy for these people especially my father. He refuses to change and til this day in my 20s continues to say hurtful things to HIS OWN daughter. The funny part is he treats other peoples daughters well and expects me to be a slave and take care of him. I AM DONE AND FED UP!

[@STMARTIN009]

Some aunts on my mom's side and my sister in laws are the problem most of the time.

[@alixcoba9144]

I became real to myself at the age of 33, I changed my friends and some bad habits. I still have some work to do, but I feel much better with me, myself, and I.:) thank you, Mel!!!

[@lreally]

Great to hear! At 30, I wonder if it’s too late.

[@VenomLeon]

I recently turned 33! I'm going through the same thing as you right now. I got fed up and tired with the toxic bs and family members. All I want is to focus on what's important for _me_ right now and what/who makes me happy and feel welcomed. It's a necessary shift that has to be done in order to save myself and my peace. We only live once.

[@VenomLeon]

@@lreally It's not too late. All that's needed is your decision to turn things around for the better.

[@ab_5557]

Im 34 and still can't break thru this toxic cycle.....how I wish I can distance myself from these stuffs

[@vickigonzalez1714]

I did it at age 50. I feel so much better about my life!!

[@lindahughes9207]

I haven't spoken to or seen my toxic parents for the past year, my mom passed away 4 months ago, dad past away 3 wks ago. I have no guilt over not seeing them and didn't even shed a tear when I heard they passed, they had made me cry so much through the years that I felt no emotion for them sadly.

[@empresszoe9351]

I'm happy for you. I actually was forced to go to my toxic grandmothers funeral. It was torture but I got through it. People were acting as if I didn't exist or they praised my brother for being her favourite.

[@nanlev613]

I completely understand what you mean!

[@nikkicappelletti8158]

I had a very similar experience. Both my parents gave me and my sister up, and kept the younger two. They wanted nothing to do with me, it hurt so bad until I realized, I don't care. They both passed away, and I wasn't sad.

[@nanlev613]

My mother was abandoned when she was 5 and it really did a number on her. I often feel like therapy would be beneficial for her to deal with all of that but she isn’t willing to go. But most importantly you are a precious human being!

[@Dzanarika1]

That is ok, Linda. Just because they are your parents or family does not mean that you have to be around them, especially if they had caused a misery in your life. Love yourself and always be gentle to yourself, because nobody else will do this part for you. Like-minded people do deserve to be in your orbit; and remember, you, yourself, are just enough. Sending lots of love your way ❤❤❤

[@alexandramateo4444]

Growing up Latina, we were raised that family comes before everything. Basically we were raised that we have to put up with our family just bc they are family . My parents and brother are very toxic, they’ve always judged me for everything! The way I dress, the friends I have, the guys I’ve dated you name it! I moved out at 19 years old and stayed as far away as possible. I’ve always tried to have a good relationship with them but they always push me away. Not to mention they LOVE DRAMA!! No matter how many times I tell them to stop coming by my house unannounced, to stop coming by my house with gossip and drama to stop criticizing me and also to stop throwing the favors they’ve done for me in my face they always disregarded my feelings saying I’m being overdramatic. So recently I decided enough is enough!! I needed to cut them off for my peace of mind for my sanity bc I don’t need negative energy in my life! I’m now 35 years old and a happily married mother of two beautiful boys and I promised my boys that no matter what they will never experience the drama I endured growing up mind you I almost committed suicide bc of them!! Let’s just say now I’m happier than ever with the family my husband and I created !! Just bc they are your family does not mean your obligated to put up with their shit and you don’t owe them anything !! YOUR PEACE OF MIND COMES FIRST !!! They don’t feel guilty for treating you the way they do so don’t feel guilty about cutting them off sometimes it’s necessary for you to have peace happiness and tranquillity in your life .

[@dumabel3351]

My mother made my feel guilty for her and all of her brothers\sisters ephews ieces\, so I paid a lot of money and energy for them until my mother died. And now I just want cut relationship with them for my own sanity!

[@ninili830]

You're godamn right

[@DocNinini]

Very well said 👏🏼

[@jennymarie2603]

“They don’t feel guilt about treating you the way they do so silt feel guilty about cutting them off” THIS!!

[@michellefoy5198]

Beautifully stated. Thank you. You're not alone.❤

[@m3d747]

You can't control their action but you can control your reaction, you are the boss of your life :)🖒🌹

[@andree824]

Totally agree : )

[@avzani]

If you control your reaction you will probably become depressed for not letting out what u feel and not expressing yourself. You don't control shit. You're the boss of nothing. That's motivational bullshit

[@wingardiumlachancla9078]

@@avzani : you can't even control the shit making its way through your intestines, how do you expect to control your reaction/feelings/emotion ?

[@avzani]

@@wingardiumlachancla9078 that was my point. In a way

[@wingardiumlachancla9078]

@@avzani yes I know I emphasized what you said

[@user-ms4ef8xz9t]

I tried many of the things you have mentioned. I think you are wrong about dealing toxic family members. There is no reason you have to put up with them. All you are going to do is get humiliated time after time. Just not engaging is useless and only harms you. You're the one that has to eat the shame, not them. I agree with the person below, just cut them off. It took me 60 years to learn how hopeless it was to try and make these people happy. Live your own life. It was amazing how much better I slept once I walk away for the last time.

[@teethnclaws]

I would say, under circumstances of extreme narcissism, gaslighting, or equally unpleasant levels of emotional/psychological abuse, you are better off just cutting those ties altogether and having a healthier and happier holiday with people who are not out to emotionally harm for kicks. Narcists will never give you the empathy or emotional validation you need. But I do appreciate your advice Mel in terms of "normal" situations with unexpressed resentments or roles that create frustration and anxiety around the holidays and how to deal with those.

[@purpledancerbmw5279]

Gas lighting exactly by the one who is a mind doctor. Thought she changed but sadly, no.

[@axolendzimane139]

I have a toxic aunt as well. Has always been negative and thought the worst of me since I was a child until now. 2 years back and last yr she would call me and be so negative. After her calls I would feel so depressed and I still recall all those events and get filled with so much anger. When she texts me she doesn't even bother asking how I am she just wants to track my progress in life. What I am doing. That's all she cares about. I think she compares me with her children. I told her recently about her behavior and she denied everything. I have made the choice to remove her contact and stay away from her. Which will be hard coz she is my mom's sister.

[@wendykrattli1426]

Thank you so much Mel. My "sister " is that way so incredibly toxic. I was finally so incredibly happy when she told me that I was no longer her family. I was so sad at first, however as time goes by I have realized how toxic she truly is and was actually really great full. This video just helped me even more so thank you!

[@VenomLeon]

She might have thought that it would hurt you for the rest of your life.. But eventually, and ironically, she has done you an amazing favor. ;)

[@NayaRuth]

Oh man! Why does it hurts when you know already what you need to do - which is to stay away too! The hurting part is the thing that makes it hard and you can’t even control it. It’s like grieving I guess.

[@melaniepitt4295]

My sister is accusing me of not helping her resolve the conflict with our brother who will no longer speak to he r I am the middle child and feel compelled to be the peacemaker and have done my best to support her She is alone and I know how she has suffered in her life with relationship and mental health issues so I cannot cut her off even when she wonders out loud if I am even "family" anymore. A cousin has called a meeting to try to sort things out so we can celebrate the upcoming holiday season together. I am not very positive about the outcome and don't even feel like going now. One last try!?

[@t.f.6297]

I wish my sister would tell me that so I can officially stop dealing with her 🙄

[@WonderfulWorldofAwesomeness]

I can have empathy for them, and yet still not want to get sucked in by their insanity

[@idontknow-ms8mc]

These tips are good for year-round if you still live at home. I loved this video so much. The first tip, some people won't let you grow. It's just how they are. "But you'll always be my " But it's true that it's good to be conscious of my own behaviors and what I can control. 👏🏾👏🏾

[@chavachan727]

When they point out your deepest insecurities straight ahead. It makes me want to dig a hole every single time.

[@AB-dd7yo]

I never understood these forced toxic holiday evenings. Growing up I loved being with my family, but my grandfather was a huuuge pain on those days for all of us. Grew up, moved away, stopped talking to him and my mother and I'm so much happier since then. I'm not gonna force myself to spend time with people that I don't like, even if they are family. Still love Christmas tho

[@mjparham6430]

I Agree I Dreaded the Holidays and Gatherings because of just That No More I just Stay Away #ImFree.

[@rachellecox7658]

Create your own new group to share good times with.

[@CupOfTeaX]

Help me… lol.

[@fatbitch7168]

this is such a mood

[@Rain-sh1sg]

PeriodT

[@b10monessebastianm.91]

My mom always judge me when i fail and compare me to my cousins and brothers or other people.But She can't SEE my EFFORTS...

[@floramaelibres9835]

Relatable

[@shyamalidasgupta671]

Don't let her rile you . Block her emotionally

[@nolwazidlamini6988]

I was being compared to the smart kid in school

[@bohaynz7741]

I know that feeling...

[@cosa2288]

Someone once told me imagine you are at a boxing event, you are a spectator, your toxic family is inside the ring trying to get you to join them in the ring, don’t step inside the ring just wave from your seat. Let them have the spotlight, this piece of advice has helped me immensely throughout the years. Don’t engage with crazy

[@bluecube7247]

I hate seeing them gang up on one person though.... 😢 they target one person and group attack.... it is horrible

[@SH-vj2ce]

Hey Claire. Just dont go. Your're welcome ❤ Happiest Holidays!

[@imbrakingthrough2152]

Not going to help - it’s still gonna ruin your mood - and you’ll feel sad-it’s not worth it ! Even better is - go spend time at hotel with your loved one - don’t waist time with people who don’t appreciate you . Family doesn’t mean you are life sentenced !

[@viviane_casella]

My advice when it comes to really stressful family members? Don't be with them. At least until you create strength in yourself. And accept the fact that they might not be people you like to be around, that's okay. The world is full of people, give yourself the right to choose people that make you feel peaceful, you have the right to have a good holiday.

[@Atilaurakiss]

I am an older college graduate and these have been comments that trigged me when I had contacts with three specific family members in the past. "Well now that you finally graduated. You are ready to retire now." "You should be ashamed of yourself taking an opportunity away from someone younger and more deserving." "Oh. You are still doing that shit." My response since has been to basically and actually say F-you and completely cut off contact. Since then one or possibly all three of these individuals have made contact with a lot of the other relatives and gossiped. I now know that instead of losing my temper and cursing I should have just replied with "Whatever" wave the side of my face like I was shooing a fly and gone home.

[@STMARTIN009]

Amen to that. I don't really love some of the aunts' on my mother's side of the family as they always felt the need to try and tell me what to do when I was younger and I never saw them as authority figures so I always in a polite way told them to go screw. There were definitely some shouting matches in the past.As long as you are paying your own bills and on your own you are your own boss in your personal life

[@needfulthings6603]

Good time to post this, I was just sharpening my machete for christmas

[@shiningstar8595]

Sharpening your matchete...hahaha...hahaha...you are so funny!!! I have laughed and laughed!!! Better not to lest you end up in jail!!

[@sandrasmith9635]

Hahaha, quite funny. Just don't go there, stay home.

[@jenniferm3572]

lol 😆

[@FryCook87]

Sorry but this advice just doesn't work. Most of these toxic behaviors are highly narcissistic and no 1 day yearly dinner talk at the dinner table can reverse decades of poor behavior, poor decisions and failed parenting in these people. These people don't change unless they make the conscious effort to. And most of the time they just don't. Being miserable and selfishly taking it out on you is much easier road for them. The best thing to do in these situations is completely cut them off. Do not let anyone ruin your quality of life just because they are "family". Not all family is truly "family".

[@JustMe-ob3nw]

I feel physically nauseated when I have to have contact with my mother’s family - they are beyond toxic, critical, jealous, two faced people - once I had to run to the bathroom and throw up after meeting one of them after a long time. Me and my sisters spent our whole childhood, teenage and young adult life being criticized and ridiculed by them. After over 10 years of having contact with them ( I live overseas now) I had to come back to help my mom who is sick with cancer. I have lost a ton of weight and am on the best shape of my life, exercising, becoming athletic etc - one of my mother’s sisters, the youngest, who refuse to accept her age ( dresses and behaves like a teenager and she is over 60 now) jabbed at me calling me too skinny, sickly looking today. That devastated me because it brought back how she used to criticize and belittle me when I was a teenager. I tend to believe there is a place in hell for people like her, actually I believe she already lives in one ... trying to get myself back together here.....

[@dumabel3351]

Omg, I think you talk about my life!!! When my mom died, I decided cut relationship with them!

[@fendiebs]

Are you asian? Haha critisizing family member is like rice in asia. Common bad habits of asian people. Not the worst of the culture.

[@LapisLazuli155]

A large part of the dysfunction is our attachment to wanting others to be what we want/need them to be. Better people, more loving, kinder, more supportive, approving, generous, etc. And we keep HOPING that they will change or grow or evolve into someone else. We can't control the people around us, but we can control the amount and types of access that we allow them. We can draw boundaries, and enforce them. We can ask ourselves if the battle will matter in five minutes, and if not, walk away. We can change all of the variables associated with ourselves. That is our power and control.

[@annaraczynska2923]

This is the most perfectly fitted in time thing you've ever posted. Yesterday I've arrived at my parents house and just few hours ago I was looking up for any of your posts and videos on similar topics as I had The Annual Breakdown again and considered leaving to spend Christmas lonely but peacefully - no matter the consequences. Thank you so much for being always here, always understanding and changing my life one more time - in the most difficult aspect. And if that wasn't you saying it - I'd never take into consideration the fourth point. Now I'm actually excited for what the next hours will bring. Love you!

[@fruityeva]

😂😂love your comment, annual break down- yess I feel you😂😂

[@fritz-creates]

Yes, me too. Let's see what the next hours will bring :) Thank you for your courage and inspiration!

[@aafsterlife9647]

What a positive, emotionally honest comment!

[@slorenaleal]

Toxic family like bad L.A. traffic you have to get through it in order to get to your destination..you must adapt to the traffic slow , stop, steer clear , or proceed w caution...we put up with any traffic situation...that s what toxic families are like bc they don't even realize how toxic they are to everyone just like what traffic does to everyone. After years of trying to fix family members that have a negative fault finding mentality this is my take on how to handle them.

[@keyanna2633]

Honestly I'd rather not even be around them I deserve my peace. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@the_endling]

I'm sorry, there's no need to PUT UP with toxic people or situations.. that's the worst piece of advice I keep hearing.. Part of having boundaries is enforcing them. If going home for the hard earned holidays we have so few of causes you anxiety, go elsewhere!

[@lindsaymorley9290]

Apache helicopter Sometimes people just don’t have a choice, they have to go home, this video is for them. 🙂

[@mjparham6430]

Indeed! I left home for College at 17 I'm now 67 I'm sure in 50 yrs I havent been home 10 times.Loving it I never plan to go back.

[@Dzanarika1]

Yeah, keep up with the appearances. Oh, please, the old tradiotional things do not and cannot work anymore. People are way more aware and intelligent these days to keep putting up with that kind of behavior!

[@SH-vj2ce]

Agreed. Why go if you have to psych yourself this much. Go where you are loved and appreciated. Even during the HOLIDAYS.

[@SH-vj2ce]

​​@@lindsaymorley9290If you are an adult, you don't have to go anywhere. Especially a toxic home for Christmas. Why put yourself through the torture? Go if you want to practice all your boundary setting skills in real time. However, if anyone is feeling anxious about going home... DONT GO.

[@kiauni6818]

This goes for anytime of year also. I just watched this before I had to deal with a family member and have been doing my best at doing the inner work to heal and transform into a stronger me. I guess its gunna take a lot of practice.. I am trying really hard to set boundaries and not let people guilt me into what they want from me. I have to remember its their problem if they have an issue with me setting boundaries or saying no to things including saying no to borrowing things from me. When they either dont return them, they get ruined and not taken care of, or before and/or afterwards i get treated like crap and the people are ungrateful. I deal with a couple narcissistic people in the family and people who take advantage of me and my empathy.. So now i need to be firm and just say no i guess and walk away & not take the bait and cause myself the same turmoil like always.

[@AicxMedina]

Just in time... totally broke down last night of stress and anxiety 😓

[@melrobbins]

Happy it helps! You got this.

[@AicxMedina]

@@melrobbins Truly appreciate.. your 5sec rule helped last night.. it took me about five times doing that, but it really helped, too.

[@American_Boy]

Thank you, Mel. I needed this desperately!

[@rachelbritton3498]

My family always crosses boundaries in their way too personal questions towards me...i dont know how to answer because they are offended by everything i could possibly say to let them know im uncomfortable with the questions!

[@NathalieRGascon]

Claire : best answer is sometimes not answering. ;)

[@cerezablack13]

I often use the ancient mantra "not my circus not my monkeys" but since that took me away from the mini family dramas my mother now has taken the route of talking ill of me behind my back (calling me selfish, uncaring, etc because of me distancing of the dramas) i know that the things she says aren't true and i'm also aware that when someone wants to speak badly about you no matter what good things you have done for her in the past or in the present she will always find something to criticize (It is exhausting but as you say "don't take the bait" do not get on board the train of emotional blackmail, so thank you for reminding me that on this video) Although in this case it does not hurt what is said, but who says it and with what intention. For my peace of mind, keeping distance is something I must continue to do, and it is a relief not to get hit in the crossfire and to not carry guilt or responsibility that does not correspond to me, but at the same time it is sad, painful and tiring to be in a constant state of vigilance when you live surrounded by people that you know does not genuinely care about you and does not mind hurting you, living in a show of fake smiles for the sake of holiday cards :(

[@AngelCosta]

Same. Exactly the same. And I loved the circus thing :D

[@candyluna2929]

Oh my gosh...that's my case.

[@isaurapacheco4314]

Cereza Black 👏🏽

[@sakurasan8646]

Exactly the same with me and my sister right now

[@jupiterscorner5423]

I rather create a new family with great friends and have holidays with them

[@PracticalInspiration]

Everytime you face a challenge, you have an opportunity. It might be tough, but take the opportunity and the reward is incredibly satisfying. Great message.

[@janethomas78]

My family is horrible. I went no contact- This year I am going to Paris alone. It will be great!

[@Bellabc-ki3pe]

"Stay on the side walk" my family is vindictive, narcissistic, evil and cunning and plotting I do feel sorry for them but I'm cutting ties and going no contact. Thanks Mel👏👏 they're all wearing a mask for hurt

[@williampurvis2887]

My grandma has completely destroyed our relationship her and has set us against each other. Unreal of how someone I used to grow up around was the biggest hindrance to my development into what I am now.

[@kellymeganart]

"Our your racist aunt" sadly so relatable :/

[@patriciaoffer9585]

Kelly Stanton racist uncles

[@aliza6900]

Yes.

[@kp-rh2mo]

Yukk

[@jordinstephens9355]

Damn

[@kiauni6818]

I thought she was really talking about my life for a min. 😅

[@MsStacyYvonne]

Man this was RIGHT. ON. TIME. About to have the first grandbaby of the family and my in-laws are already about to make me lose it with the comments, questions and intrusiveness. It's giving me MAJOR anxiety.

[@adishankara3491]

lol, this is such a HUGE topic. Very good advice here. Everybody just wants love, ending standing in their own way. In my country Christmas days are the days with the most 911-Calls. The expectations at Christmas are so high, and often ends in so much trouble.

[@mjparham6430]

I hate all These ManMade Holiday.

[@LonjeMarie7]

I love her content I have grown so much in a very short period of time watching her videos. He’s like my therapist she was the reason I got on stage for the very first time to do a comedy routine with the five second rule she is amazing

[@DragonNestMP]

I love you Mel. You helped me cope up from my depression and I became more productive each day. Merry Christmas 😍. I'm excited for the reset event

[@melrobbins]

I'm excited too!

[@DragonNestMP]

@@melrobbins omg 😍

[@ricind8118]

If you don't speak up, these toxic family members will always tread all over you. These type of family members are worthless.

[@ari_6624]

Thank you so much for the video - for someone who's still a minor and doesn't necessarily possess the financial or legal ability to distance myself from my parents, it really helps me a lot to regulate my responses and reactions and general mindset around my family ♥

[@AmyElizabethFrith]

Thank you !

[@bok_soon0713]

Things is, I live withe my aunt ever since I was 3 because both of my parents worked overseas, and I'm the only child. And the toxic person I'm trying to avoid is my aunt. Turns out there's no escape. Sigh, I'm just going to endure it.

[@maevaabou8597]

I am in your situation

[@evanreiter747]

Mel you are so real and so down to earth. I love watching all of your videos and I even read your book. You really are a true inspiration

[@CaToRi-]

Maybe one alternative is to keep moving. Don’t talk to them more than 5 minutes and then excuse yourself and move to other spot, talk to someone else, go to the restroom, whatever... but don’t park.

[@foggypebble5159]

J 2004 It’s kinda hard to not park if everyone is seated at the dinner table and the toxic person starts up a conversation

[@VenomLeon]

5 minutes is too much for me.. -1 or 2 min. tops. Because I can immediately notice my energy dropping.

[@CaToRi-]

Foggy Pebble - hit the panic button of your car keys so you have an excuse to get outside to check the car 😈

[@ducrogers302]

Empathy is cure for my anxiety. Angry people are hurting inside. This statement is so true. I know this is the true from the people i have anxiety for.

[@pinkladybug56]

I completely DESPISE BOTH parents and so does my brother. My brother and I get along great but we can’t stand to be around them. If I never see either parent again it will be too soon. To anyone that has a close relationship with one or both parents.... CHERISH it!

[@MartaKeller]

Every encounter with others, especially family, is an opportunity for personal transformation. I value family and at the same time, I have family that definitely triggers me. It truly does seems like a time warp when I return home, where I currently am, but remembering that I've evolved beyond past patterns and identifying the ways I might fall into these patterns and how to get out of them, is the opportunity for growth. Thank you for this sage reminder as in a few hours, my family home will be a full house again after several years of not everyone being here. Happy holidays!

[@toptaemin1278]

Wow I was dealing with this issue recently. I love my parents but sometimes their behavior disappoints me so much & I get angry time to time. I know that my angry behavior isn't the right thing to do at that time but I can't control myself. Thanks Mel for this advice. I will try my best to ignore those situations😩

[@tipontoe]

Thank you for this very clear instruction on how to behave. It's tough, but I'm learning how to achieve it to the level I will feel satisfied and calm. My mom is throwing baits so often and the more I behave like a pedestrian, she throws even more guilt on me, telling me I'm a coward, I ignore what she's demanding from me and it's comfortable for me to stay outside of issues, which are actually her and she's looking for someone to do this for her, she's looking someone to save her, but she doesn't put any her own effort into finding solutions and making her own life better. I'll be watching this video from time to time as a good reminder. Thanks to your words Mel I also went to the psychoteraphist, who made me realize about the reliationship with my parents.

[@KimBuchanan]

I like what you said Mel about having empathy. I found this also transformed my relationship with a very close difficult family member and a person who was bullying me in a community group. When I looked from their perspective I felt quite differently. And they started to act differently too. I treated them as humans, not as "superpowers over me". Weird but it worked!

[@karenadams2512]

That's an interesting concept. Glad things worked out for you.

[@Angelik_]

Thank you really much for this,im somehow dealing a toxic aunt who says such a thing and gossiping towards other ppl about our personal life and this is really helpful to deal out of them

[@bohaynz7741]

Yea but what about family members that put the guilt on U when your already head above water with your own life...? Or how some family just think they can overstep your boundaries and put guilt on U. What about a situation about a mother who spends all her money on gambling and not help buy food. Do U kick her out of your house for your own sanity. ? Can you answer those questions cause it's hard to say what people can do when things other do affect a person that's not the person fault but those toxic family members or those that don't speak out for the ones in the right

[@wandawaaa7974]

I love this. I love my Mom and it's important for ME to take care of her as she gets older. We have argued, and I am a strong person who doesn't take bull shit from no one, thanks to thinking that she was more than enough. She has a hard time expressing her true feelings and lashes out. Now I bring attention to my calm voice. I listen to get rant and hear what is truly bothering/hurting her... and ask what is truly the reason for this. If i can, i resolve the issue... like me saying, i will deal with those books this week. I'm communicating. I am finding that I am becoming stronger as a person. I am more confident than before. I walk into any space and i am me. I don't take bs from no one, and i have no need to be defensive. I'm

[@TheNikki284]

I'm glad that you mentioned the exception of Narcissistic family members when you discussed using empathy. Empathy absolutely does not work on them. They will take it and then beat you over the head with it. Take my word for it. I tried empathy on one particular lost person for 15 years; now I am utterly exhausted.

[@clovrr291]

I think i understand . Im really sorry. I haven't been with a narcissistic person for that long but I already feel like I lost my identity and im no longer the innocent person I used to be.I think it drained me from my compassion and that just makes me feel horrible about myself. It's really sad but let's not lose hope, alright? Stay strong.

[@TheNikki284]

peachycrown67 I can definitely relate. They use us for a charge, like a battery. I think the secret is to not buy into the untrue and unfair things they say to us and about us. We already know they are not dealing in reality; why should we trust their opinions of us? We shouldn't! Stay strong and keep reminding yourself who you really are. Wishing you the best💛

[@clovrr291]

@@TheNikki284 Thanks! I wish you the best too💜💜

[@TheNikki284]

peachycrown67 Thank you💛I forgot to mention earlier: you might want to check out a channel on here called "Surviving Narcissism" by Dr. Les Carter. It's seriously priceless in helping to deal with these people, especially the Covert Narcs. He's the best. I hope it helps!

[@clovrr291]

@@TheNikki284 Thank you! And I would recommend Dr ramani, I love her!

[@aztradescrypto]

Mel, it was like you were directing this message to me. It is just like I was telling you my life story and this is your tailored answer to my situation so I cannot THANK YOU enough for confirming what I should do but didnt do!

[@marenzita71]

Don’t take the bait...my mantra thanks so much

[@g0og0o._.]

I understand you are sometimes better off walking away from your family member but the more you find the way to love over top of them the stronger your love becomes. Relationship is work. Love is work. Everybody has their own time to be willing to work on it and that's totally fine. I believe it can be possible through true love. Hope everybody feels more love today than yesterday 💛

[@jojibeanz]

I never realized something was wrong with my anxiety towards one of my relatives until it's got so bad that i feel like throwing up whenever we have family dinners sometimes my hands shake and i have trouble breathing it's gotten so bad that i just shut down

[@karenh.1236]

It’s okay look don’t think about that certain person. Instead think it’s your inner child that was so traumatized and think about healing that child and making that child more confident little by little NO MATTER IF PEOPE SUPPORT YOU OR NOT.💗🤟🏼🙏🏼

[@mhienyjks2044]

We are the boss in our lives. They cannot control us. Only God can guide us always and be a good person to others. Just have faith and pray to Him how to deal or be a good person esp. To our relatives who cannot understand our situations.

[@planneraddiction1277]

I need to practice boundry I know that but it is not easy to me Thank you for sharing♡

[@vivdoolan6846]

If you have to make that much preparation to psych up for a family visit then surely it's better to just not go and save your sanity.

[@travelandtash]

I love the traffic pedestrian analogy. 😎 Thx for sharing, Mel.

[@ambrosiatea]

This is the mum advice I really needed, especially since my mum isn't around anymore, thank you ❤

[@kengkengkeng4882]

My dad's side is full of toxic and negative. Dad's sister aka my demon aunt she's so problematic that she yelling all-day and swearing complaining about anything.

[@ricind8118]

Aunts from the dad's side are the worst. I know what you mean. Lol.

[@amyzee714]

Simply ... keep in ur mind that its not ur job to be responsible fir everybody’s thoughts n behaviour n dont try to settle down everything.only uderstand everyone’s situation n let the cope with it.

[@rheamontera8889]

Thank you so much for this, Mel. I just woke up from a nap I took coz my mom just drained me off my energy. I cant believe how my own family can be so annoying; arguing over small things and fighting over at the breakfast table for who is right. But you're right, i'll just stand at the sidewalk looking and be just an audience. Or i'll just simply excuse myself from the table. It is true that my home brings back the old me.. The grumpy kid who never understood why she's all grumpy. And i found that its because i eat up on all the drama that happens at home that never happens when i'm actually back in Manila. I gained my peace with the distance i have with my family. This is really a long comment. :) I just wanted to express my gratitude for posting this just in time for me to think up my strategy on how to deal with this Holiday stress. Happy Holidays from my Family to yours. :)

[@toptaemin1278]

You are not alone girl.

[@American_Boy]

Thanks for sharing. My experience is very very very similar.

[@heavenoo4999]

Rhea Montera it’s something similar going with me how you r own family not understand you feeling very isolated and lonely please pray for me Need some strength 🙏🙏

[@rheamontera8889]

@@toptaemin1278 Thank you for empathizing :)

[@rheamontera8889]

@@heavenoo4999 i will pray for you.. We can all use one.. :)

[@sistermarie]

Toxic family is worse than toxic friends to me.

[@Bellabc-ki3pe]

Who else is watching this during the second wave of COVID19 new variant 😷😷

[@victorjames7944]

Just a thought here; but have we all forgotten the need to forgive and to be forgiven? Is there not some value in proactively seeking to be reconciled when relationships go sour regardless of 'fault'? Does personal pride or selfishness have to keep us from mutually enjoying those relationships once again? Should we explore both sides of every story - and listen to one another with adult maturity? Are family relationships not worth fighting for? Love covers a multitude of wrongs - really, it does! May I encourage you whoever you are ........... please do not let past failures prevent a fresh initiative; it is worth every effort.

[@changoviejo9575]

It always gets worse, much worse when I choose not to react at someone angry. They literally compel me to. It's hell. So I choose being apart as much as I can.

[@christiansgrandma6812]

I try to speak life and be positive. I try to look at other's point of view, but I end up being the one that gets hurt. Family can hurt you so much. I am so tired of being a voice of reason between those who are hot headed and those who love to control.

[@xrc7445]

"How to deal with your toxic relatives?" Don't.

[@athenaenergyshine7616]

I try to get away from toxic friends & family at all. Only deal with toxic people if you have to like work. Maybe if you have money safe up and get away for the holidays they get the point and will be careful about what they do in the future

[@patriciaperkins2533]

Wrong, walk away toxic people will kill your health if you don't it doesn't matter what you do, toxic people don't matter,

[@rk212005]

I agree with the far away moving

[@321southtube]

Hey.....insomnia and holiday anxiety kicked in and boom....you made me a video! 😀 Seriously, long time subscriber and student of your wonderful advice. Thanks so much. I truly appreciate all you do. Have a Merry Christmas and wonderful holiday season. DG

[@melrobbins]

Daren, that means a ton. I am happy it had good timing. Happy holidays to you and your as well xo

[@hovikkevork3069]

Her advice can be very dangerous and destructive. She painted it all pink. Abusive people take your empathy and turn it against you, they see it as weakness on your side. They see it as a green light to continue. When I asked my toxic, verbally and emotionally abusive mom and brother of the reason of their behavior, they were like: "Yea, I'm venting out, plus, family sticks together no matter what and you have no feeling to be hurt on the first place!". Take their word when they tell you they are monsters and LEAVE!

[@curtistinemiller1560]

Nice Video,I feel when toxic relatives do what they do don't react,just say Oh,Really the confused look is just priceless smile and keep it pushing......

[@adalidlucas8850]

That's why l didn't spend time with them in Christmas, they are always asking me the same questions, when are you going to get married?, where is your girlfriend at? Are yoy ever gonna have any children? Why you are not in a relationship? Why did you drop college again? Why you didn't invite any friends? Why you don't have many friends like your brother? Etc.

[@caskettsolo7925]

I cannot believe it! Just had another horrible experience with my mother and then this video comes up in my suggestions. Thank you so much Mel. I have definitely stopped reacting as I used to for quite a while, but I still seem to break down, holding back tears and not saying a word. It’s just certain phrases that trigger and I don’t know how to not react to them. Would appreciate any advice on this. Thank you 🙏🏽

[@marianamartinez4106]

Great message ! Even though I don’t celebrate Christmas. This is awesome for everyday !! I hope I remember her sweet soothing voice when I am facing an argument cause it’s difficult

[@tanyanelson8671]

I absolutely love you Mel!!! You are such a gift to people. Thank you for what you do

[@TheWilDOn31]

Empathy helps but it depends on the situation. Abusive people will see your kindness as weakness and that will give them a free pass to keep abusing you. There are situantions when the best thing you can do is stand up for yourself, express your truth in a calm and firm way, and if it starts to escalade just remove yourself from the situation and don't engage with those people anymore. Abusive people very rarely change, so don't put yourself in another situation with them again. Learn your lesson quickly and keep avoiding them.

[@johnnyorlando1085]

I used to be so close with my cousins, but now they changed.. I caught them talking bad about me, not once but many times, this been happening since 2019.. Im so sad the fact that they were my only bestfriend, and my parents been fighting each other for the past 4 years untill now,man I wish i was never exist

[@evie7599]

dear Johnny, my parents broke up when I was 5 and they had the worse divorce ever. my grandparents are now trying to control me completely and they threaten me emotionally. but WE CAN DO THIS. there will be a day when you will be living by yourself, doing what you want. start putting money aside and work on yourself emotionally. we can.

[@blaineg107]

Johnny is this really you? The famous singer and KZbinr?

[@bunny9489]

How to be empathetic to somebody who have hurt you so much, and you have tried so much for them, and they still don’t change.. they hate you from the bottom of their heart..

[@anahiaguirre7666]

I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS 4 YEARS AGO. You are a GENIUS. I love you!

[@mariabanholzer5960]

Thank you Mel! More than helpful!