How to Get Somebody to Stop Interrupting You with 4 Simple Tips (and get your talking turn back)

[@alexanderlyon]

Vanessa's Book: amzn.to/3LkzNXJ Vanessa's Channel: kzbin.info

[@christineribone9351]

I had an interrupter cut me off, he assumed he knew what I was saying, and came off with anger, aggression, and insolence because he had completely not heard me out. He was a manager interviewing me for employment. He completely railroaded me and he couldn't contain himself. Then he immediately concluded the interview without ever giving me an opportunity to speak. I was stunned and appalled. This was NOT someone I would want to work with.

[@captainu.s.a.7980]

Yea,that is what I do...

[@KarePassion]

The "chronic interrupter" is suffering from pressured speech. It is biologically driven. Those of us who have pressured speech are painfully aware of how obnoxious we are. The more we want to stop, the more difficult it is to do so. It is a common feature of bipolar. My medications helped me to manage this. Now, if my speech becomes pressured, I know that it is a sign that I am becoming hypomanic.

[@christineribone9351]

@@KarePassion Sometimes that may be true. Mostly they don't care what the other person is saying and they're just rude.

[@jimreadey4837]

@@christineribone9351, be wary of conclusions that include the word “just“…

[@jamesmcinnis208]

When someone repeatedly interrupts or talks over me, I just stop talking and let the other person talk. Repeated interruptions indicate to me that that person doesn't want to hear what I have to say. There is nothing that I'm so desperate to say that I'm going to fight to hear myself say it (because the other person is probably not listening anyway.)

[@Lynn-kh5rs]

Right there with you. I stop. I really hate it when they insert their meaning into what I am trying to say (which doesn't match what I was trying to communicate at all).

[@jennywilson32]

The problem is that person is my husband.

[@abcdefgq1816]

Conversations over Zoom are a nightmare precisely for this reason. I react exactly as you do but I get frustrated whenever I can't even tell who was talking over me. I just ask to the group and allow for interruption/response then I try to resume my explanation.

[@jamesmcinnis208]

@@jennywilson32 LOL - that does make walking away a little more complicated now, doesn't it?

[@jamesmcinnis208]

@@Lynn-kh5rs In that case, if I'm feeling particularly feisty I'll say, "No. Would you like to continue guessing or would you like me to finish?" Then, of course, I'm the jerk.

[@Canny-Octopus]

I interrupted someone recently who said "oh, one sec, I just need to finish my thought" and it was perfect - polite and assertive without seeming rude. I apologized and made a mental note not to interrupt her again, and also to do exactly that if someone interrupts me.

[@cardinalgin]

With really good friends, you can even say, when interrupted : "Wait please, I just have a little more to tell you." and they will understand.

[@mapicepla]

❤

[@11Tov]

Thanks very much - that is classy

[@happyguy963]

As an chronic interrupter, this video is wonderful! I now know what to look for while I'm talking to give other people a chance to talk.

[@angelabell7254]

Well I hope you are putting this into practice. Cos people like you are painful.

[@dag118]

It is hard, especially with ADHD. Good for you to try

[@isabellaleifsdottir]

God, I’m watching this to help me stop interrupting, knowing that I’ve tried my whole life and adhd just will take over sometimes

[@kathrynberridge840]

A visual person, as opposed to an auditory or kinesthetic person will be the fastest talker and is usually the prime interuptor. As the world has become enslaved by technology ie computers, mobile phones, laptops which are all primarily visually stimulating, the visuals have become so wired, so much so that at times it's like listening to a machine gun. This is also why so many people now are reactive instead of proactive. What a diseased world this has become. Use all these Shackles less.

[@grainofsand4176]

" A visual person" ~I would not have thought of that. Opening eyes removes shackles

[@journeyjulie3973]

My mom is very good at interrupting. She won’t wait for a pause, she will just simply talk over you, and raise her volume over yours. She will also go on and on, and it’s difficult to get a word in, so I learned as a child to interrupt, from her, and it became a bad habit. At the same time, I absolutely hate being interrupted. So this was good!

[@justincase1919]

My mom would stop talking and when i started to respond, she would yell at me for interrupting. 🤣

[@placid5583]

I feel you

[@4everhealthwellness344]

I feel you, my mother is a HABITUAL chronic interruptor. Like I only get 3 to 4 words into a sentence and then she interrupts, talks over me and most frustrating, she jumps to a conclusion about what my message or thought is

[@francophiledawg9059]

As someone who has been interrupted many times (by one friend in particular) I’ve learned to listen well, and when someone in our group is interrupted (sometimes inadvertently by the waiter, or someone they know approaches our table, etc) , I make it a point to remember what point they were making and after the interruption is over, I will remind them at what point their story was cut off, and ask them to continue.

[@lakep7798]

I like that! That’s a subtle (and simultaneously pointed) way to communicate to the interrupter that someone was in the middle of saying something, and reassures the interrupted person that their voice matters. Love it!

[@tessm2152]

I do this too

[@CClay-kn9lm]

My husband is louder than me and interrupts me frequently in social conversations. I respond by saying, "I'm so sorry I was speaking while you were interrupting." I say it playfully, but he gets the point.

[@hope2029]

😸

[@GoddessLaurel]

I like this one..much classier than the aggression of swearing at them, especially in the presence of other people.

[@rabbeyaharoon8118]

🤣

[@nancyellen8006]

@C. Clay I know what you’re talking about because my husband interrupts me all the time. My sons have actually stopped him a couple of times to say “Dad, you’re interrupting mom”. This has shocked him, but it hasn’t stopped him.. 😮

[@kristineskinner6224]

“oh! i’m sorry! did i interrupt the beginning of your sentence with the middle of mine?” lol!

[@joycependleton4117]

Many of the interrupting styles you described sound like my friends and family members with ADHD, one of whom is me. Interrupting is not always synonymous with disrespect or lack of interest. Our brains have difficulty with holding thoughts to share or questions to ask because new ones pop in so quickly! Sometimes when we're together we'll use notepads to jot down words from what someone is saying to jog our memories and hopefully be able to listen to your whole message. Then we can ask questions, add our thoughts, or clarify what we think we heard you say. This is because what you've said is stimulating our minds, and sadly many misunderstand how we process new information.

[@juneelle370]

This is accurate! 🌟 when I get talkative I encourage people to interrupt, saying please interrupt me

[@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane]

I came on the comments to say the same thing. Many times if we don't get out what we want to say, we forget it so quickly because of our terrible memories due to poor executive functions, hence we interrupt so we don't forget what we wanted to add to the conversation. Ugh, so frustrating! She also called it being narcissistic when people keep talking and don't look at the other person, and that is not accurate. A lot of people with autism and ADHD have trouble looking people in the eyes, so we don't pick up on those cues from people when they're trying to let us know they want to speak. Edit: I just wanted to clarify that I mistakenly thought she was saying that people who talk a lot are narcissistic. I understand now after another commentor brought it to my attention, that she said there are narcissists who talk a lot and it can be difficult to deal with them and get them to stop, but then there are "dreamers" who talk a lot and look all over the place except in the other person's eyes, that you can use the technique of touching them to let them know you want to speak. Sorry about the confusion on my part... did I mention people with ADHD have problems with processing incoming information...? =/ Eek. Well, at least I can admit when I make a mistake.

[@elisemiller13]

@@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane I agree with you. It's a narrow view to say it's narcissism. Anxiety can also be a factor in not picking up cues.Also, there are cultures in which it is highly disrespectful to stare someone in the eyes

[@l.w.4701]

@@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane ADHD, and also autism.

[@PresAdams-bz2ep]

Great idea!

[@hsh1950]

I have a tendency to come across as harsh when I'm expressing a constrasting idea to someone with whom I am in conversation. I don't even realize it. My wife would often simply put her hand on my knee when my tone of voice became like that. She passed away two years ago. I really miss that loving pat.

[@margaretgarana911]

I’m so glad you had that pat. Beautiful

[@proinseasnihanluain4735]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[@nancyellen8006]

She sounds like a wonderful person who really cared about you. I’m really sorry she is no longer with you.

[@hsh1950]

@@nancyellen8006 thank you. When I said that "I really miss that loving pat", it had a double meaning. Her name was Pat. God is good. He is my sufficiency.

[@dimasgomez]

I think people are too sensitive to honestly put ideas. You have emotions and they come out. I'm the same, I express my heart and sometimes my ideas come out hot from the forge.

[@JamesScholes]

I've always found the phrase "will you shut the f@@k up, I'm speaking here!" works very well for me.

[@janetgiddings5538]

😅🤣😂

[@OrangeySky11]

I came here to say that very phrase! Works every time. ‘Nicely’ is overrated!

[@lsimonson100]

😂 Chronic over talkers are usually rude narcissists

[@megcampbell2900]

I find it very interesting in most of the examples she gives she’s talking about stoping someone who is already speaking. No someone interrupting. When she talks about the anchor touch ( 6:13 ) she specifically says it’s a way to remind someone who is speaking that you are there. So really you’re interrupting them. In fact Alex each time has to basically reinterpret her entire explanation to make it fit the topic. He had to say something along the lines of “well yes and if you are being interrupted….”

[@g.e.boroush5176]

An old friend would start talking and go from one thought to another, nonstop, for hours at a time. Not once would she stop and ask me how MY day went, what was new in MY life, etc. I brought her with me to a friend's birthday lunch, there were 4 of us total, and she knew neither of the other women. She dominated the entire conversation, nonstop, throughout the entire lunch. I tried numerous times to bring the other women in but she just took over. I had to call the birthday-woman later and apologize. I was beyond embarrassed and wish, now, that I'd given my friend a firm kick under the table. She'd done this many other times. I decided that all she really wanted was a receptacle for her verbiage . . . . a cardboard box would do. I finally just stopped contacting her and let the 'friendship' slip away. Don't people understand that it's not a conversation if you express no interest in the other?

[@socalsal627]

I know what you mean! My husband and I frequent a coffee shop where over the years other regulars have approached us, talked on and on about their lives, and then walked away. We just look at each other and laugh at the fact that we know so much about these people and they know literally nothing about us. It makes me so angry sometimes that I just start ignoring them and go back to my book as they're still talking. My husband is a bit more patient than I am so he suffers through until the end :)

[@armedwithjello]

My father was terrible for this, and so is my husband. In both cases, it usually stems from social anxiety. They don't know how to have a back-and-forth conversation, so it becomes an endless monologue. We always said my dad must inhale through his anus because he never seemed to pause to take a breath while speaking! For example, my dad once trapped someone he'd just met by talking for 45 minutes about grocery deli pizzas.

[@MyMuse1111]

@@armedwithjello could be a temporal lobe injury ?

[@janec1489]

@@armedwithjello Inhale through his anus! 😆 That's a good one!

[@marti220]

How sad that has to happen. It might be a gift to be honest that she does that.

[@mikederucki]

My lord I need this with my uncle. He’s the ultimate one-upper. Constantly interrupts to tell you that he’s done it bigger, better, faster, earlier.

[@VanRants]

Your uncle's a stud get over it

[@fevb2685]

Are we related lol

[@CaliChaos99]

Do we share family??? LOL 😆 j/k a little 😳😅

[@lyndamyles8354]

Your talking about my husband

[@llsmcslllsmcsl4427]

The man I love is this way. I have talked to him about this and he said " talk over me jump in". You would not believe the amount of times I've tried with no luck. He even try's to tell me that his mother was the worst person in the world for never letting another human talk!

[@jennifercollins881]

I think I need to see these role played. They seem like ways to politely interrupt someone who is monopolizing the conversation versus helping people not interrupt you.

[@RachelLWolfe]

Agreed. I thought this was about trying to keep people from interrupting you while you're speaking. Personally I just keep talking if someone starts talking while I'm talking. My time is literally money, so I truly hate people interrupting me.

[@JRein-do1pv]

Also with scenarios with your boss.

[@rainysunday2386]

@@RachelLWolfe Exactly. It's false advertising.

[@tikitribe5715]

Exactly. Misnamed video.

[@denadajupe4047]

Thanks for pointing that out!

[@deefee701]

I've learnt how to let people just talk and get their thoughts out. But I'm here to learn how to deal with those who won't shut up.

[@melissab8500]

Had a boyfriend who completely dominated the conversation during an evening with my parents. After about an hour of trying to converse and being talked over I just left the room. When he asked why later (he was offended) I explained that he didn't allow anyone else to take part in the conversation. He said he didn't know we took turns talking 🤦‍♀️

[@alexanderlyon]

Hi Melissa. I've seen things like that happen many times. Some people need basic communication skills training like how to listen, take shorter talking turns, ask questions (rather than only talk "at" people), etc. I'm always a little shocked (though I shouldn't be) about how many people don't really think about how they communicate and have almost no self-awareness about how they come across.

[@Ad-Lo]

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

[@camillakilleen7118]

Thank you for ur tips. People are forever talking over me and now I have ways to get these peoples attention without getting angry 😀

[@fd4511]

@John Smith That's a good *explanation* of a person coming from such a background. That's not an excuse though. Everyone has a personal responsibility to improve their own communication skills, and not expect others to match his/her communication style. Even financially independent people need real friends to enjoy a fulfilling life. Friends should not be expected to be anyone's therapist with endless patience and forgiveness.

[@fd4511]

@John Smith Perhaps your comment indicates your background. Life is big enough for a variety of choices people make, so if you don't need friends, that's your choice. My experience is that life is just more fun when shared with good friends, but I also understand that other people may have a different experience. Joy and money are only related to a point. After that it's all about successful navigation of satisfying relationships. As a wise man said, "magna vitae, memento mori." What exactly can we take with us? A meaning of life is a subjective decision, I believe, and our priorities are similarly reflected in what and how we invest ourselves.

[@GoddessLaurel]

As a person who identifies as a recovering interrupter.. I find these very helpful for both sides. It makes me feel less awful about getting carried away, when people use these techniques than me finding out after that I was a conversation hog and they didn’t feel heard. Sometimes I’ve correctly or incorrectly considered people as shy and introverted because they let me do all the talking without asserting themselves. Personally I prefer talking with other interrupters because that way, we both get our opinions in.. lol

[@auntyjo1792]

Yes, I stick to fellow interrupters.

[@LoveFaithLive]

Just don’t see the importance of getting your "opinions in"; so what, big deal if one doesn’t. In my experience those who love to interrupt or always talk over you rarely contribute anything of consequence.

[@PresAdams-bz2ep]

@@LoveFaithLive sometimes YOU just need to say something important!

[@rebeccabriggs2982]

Wow you just said everything I wish I could of Yes I get the two interupters thing.... I grew up in a family like this and it was easy and no hard feelings

[@auntyjo1792]

@@PresAdams-bz2ep And feel like you are joining in with enthusiasm! If I'm silent I hate you.😉

[@njcanuck]

When I was a teen, soneone told me that I interrupted people. I've never forgotten and always appreciated being told directly. You can be direct with a nice tone. I'd love to know how to handle people (usually female friends) who dive into too much detail that's irrelevant to me.. e.g., she went to her reunion then describes every person she met. Or go for a walk and the whole time is their work rant. I leave thinking why was I here anyway? I have more interesting interactions with my cat! Are they a friend when it's always so one-sided? Honestly I prefer talking with men.

[@kimberlywills7219]

Yes! Same problem here sometimes! They can go on & on with detailed stories about people I don't even know, yet when I'm talking I feel like I better summarize and hurry up with my story. One particular person actually looks anxious, tapping or nodding briskly like a kid who has to go pee, lol! I can see she's just waiting for her turn and not even listening. One time I was at a little party of about 5-6 other people and I just decided to check out and stop trying... they were blabbering over each other, not even listening to each other (all interrupters, maybe? lol) and I actually thought, "I'd rather be home cleaning my toilet", lol... or doing something productive!

[@proinseasnihanluain4735]

I know what you mean about interesting interactions with your cat :)

[@Trenchant468]

I had a bullying colleague who would fire inquisitive questions, seeming very interested in hearing your point of view, and then invariably interrupt each reply with a new question. His interruptions were more like an inquisition or deposition than a conversation. He was 100% looking for control. I’m not sure I ever found any solution for dealing with him, except simply walking away.

[@ixlnxs]

I am known to simply say "if you want to ask me a question, I want you to listen to my answer. If you don't want to hear my answer I don't need to hear another question from you. Hopefully you will understand this." I've said this in every language that I speak (I'm a Eurabian), to managers, staff and journalists, and if I do it with my friendliest smile and softest Dolly Parton voice, it never comes across as aggressive or assertive but as simply stating the obvious.

[@AlextheENTP]

Walking away can be a pretty good solution! Wordless, efficient, gets you the result you need.

[@AcmeRacing]

That often means that you weren't telling him what he wanted to hear. Even if your answer was accurate, he may have just wanted to keep you from saying it.

[@AlextheENTP]

@@AcmeRacing In my experience, when you're not giving the answer someone wants, they will often either ask again as though they hadn't just asked, or insist that you didn't understand the question. I like your perspective!

[@mercedesmcvey1776]

That sounds like a form of torture.

[@stephanie4020]

Thank you for sharing this. I have had inattentive ADHD my entire life and have never been an interrupter, and have avoided chronic interrupters like the plague.

[@theTENISHAcampaign]

I just recently told an acquaintance directly that I like to finish my statements…and that she doesn’t respect that need in other people. She was so taken aback, and got defensive. So I said, “we’ll have fun talking to yourself because I don’t stay where my voice is not respected.

[@rainywoods95060]

Honestly, I find myself interrupting in one-on-one conversations because I want to have a CONVERSATION. Not listen to someone go on and on and on. I admit, I may have a short attention span. I think it is polite when you notice you are dominating a conversation to stop and check in. I would love to hear the person I'm in conversation with say, "I could go on and on. Do you want to hear more?" or "What do you think?". Maybe, "Has anything like that happened to you? How did you handle it?" In business meetings, of course, one should politely listen until the end and not interrupt. I sometimes find two or three active talkers will completely dominate the conversation by not allowing enough of a pause for anyone else to speak. I just raise my hand. It is not subtle, but it is effective. I strongly believe the loudest person is not the smartest person or the only person who should be heard. Unfortunately, the research on this is that people do read confidence as intelligence.

[@sidilicious11]

One of my pet peeves is when people monopolize conversations. Grrrr

[@PresAdams-bz2ep]

Stupid people talk the MOST!

[@Santu7220]

This is a relevant topic. I observed that there was interruptions going on in the video. As these real here-and- now- moments were not addressed and qualified, they grew into a kind of elephant in the room. What this video did for me is to appreciate the subtle makeup of authenticity.

[@alexanderlyon]

I think that's an exaggeration, from my view. Either way, here are some qualifications that may add some depth. Face to face is very different from communicating over Zoom. There's a delay and it's hard to know when the person has stopped their talking turn entirely vs. they've just paused for a moment. When somebody pauses for a moment and another person talks, it's not considered an interruption if both people then speak at the same time. In fact, zoom has become famous for comments like, "Oh, sorry, go ahead." Even when people are doing their best, little moments like that happen and nobody considers it a foul. In any 12 minute conversation, it's almost unavoidable that overlapping talk would occur. Also, in a friendly conversation like this (whether in person or on Zoom), this kind of overlapping talk is the norm and isn't experienced by either person as an interruption. Nobody is cutting anybody off and not letting the other person talk. If you watch almost any friendly podcast conversation, there's lots of overlapping collaborative conversations that nobody interprets as a genuine interruption. That's just the nature of human interaction. For example, if somebody is making a point and while they are talking the other person says, "Ah, makes sense" at the same time, most people in the conversation would not consider that an interruption. That's just overlapping talk and it's not the same thing. It only becomes a problem in real life when one person won't let the other person talk or finish a thought. In our case, we both clearly enjoyed the conversation, we were building on each other's ideas and none of the negative aspects of "interruptions" were part of our conversation in the video.

[@ytcarol]

Sometimes I just keep talking, i.e. finishing my sentence, when someone interrupts. It takes determination but it's amazing the effect it can have when you don't allow them to override you.

[@alexanderlyon]

Yes! It's often really hard to continue talking but it is powerful if you can get to the end of your thought without stopping.

[@ytcarol]

@@alexanderlyon I'm older now - took me years to get that ability!

[@yuppers1]

I do that too in a group setting. I don't give up the floor mid-sentence. I'm a woman, so this didn't come naturally.

[@monicaswavel6074]

Thank you for this video. I really needed this as I tend to interrupt and be interrupted as a pastor's wife and I really don't like feeling like I'm either being rushed or rushing people while talking plus my husband talks a lot ( a lot) and it's hard to have a conversation vs a speech and I feel like this will help me be more gentle and yet effective. I'm excited to try this out! I'll probably be re watching this lol

[@charlottehh]

How did it work with your husband then?

[@annamariaiannacito5291]

Unless the situation is dire, I do not use my energy to try to get a person to allow me to speak. They have 'told me who they are' and I believe them. I don't keep listening after a certain amount of time. If it is really necessary, I will speak up and over them and spend as little time around them as possible.

[@eileensullivan549]

An older friend of mine once told me "Time is the coin of your life. Don't let other people spend it for you". So true! As soon as I realize that I'm talking to a self-centered bore who won't let me get a word in edgewise, I end the monologue and walk away. People who drone on and on and constantly interrupt only want to hear themselves, so why let them waste my time?

[@vickienicely5921]

I find I desperately want to interrupt when someone is blatantly lying or getting the facts confused. So I hold up just one finger to let them know I have something to say. So is there a right TIME to interrupt when you KNOW what's being said is untrue or misunderstood without starting an argument?

[@linmonash1244]

As a counsellor - I really like this gentle and respectful approach. So many 'interrupters' are completely unaware that they are doing so, and can be very taken aback or really genuinely bewildered and upset, if met with irritability or even aggression. It's not correct to assume that they are all narcissists. Many have come from families where communications are all about having to shout over others as the only way to get heard! It's their 'normal'. Sometimes that behaviour is also about extreme insecurity. They feel that if they don't get everything out that they want to say and and just then geared up to say, they may not get he opportunity again! Or may not find the confidence to enter into the conversation again, and so it's a kind of flooding or 'flood disclosure' exercise. Yes they can learn to do it differently, but not if they feel attacked and defensive. No-one can learn anything new when they've flipped 'wounded' to their 'bunker'.

[@Canny-Octopus]

She said these cues work for everyone BUT narcissists. (Because narcissists don't care about the other person enough to give them a chance to talk.)

[@dimasgomez]

Unfortunately, sometimes, as studying to become a counselor myself, you have to take over and I'm trying to learn do so. Because politeness quite often won't help me or my client. In professional conversation, we are among the worst.

[@lynnehood2198]

Saying "Shut-up", works too. Some people just want to over whelm you with cognitive load and highjack your thinking. I figure if they are not polite- I don't have to be . Walking away works too.

[@AccessoriesAddict5528]

😂🤣😂 Love it!!!

[@bocelott]

It can actually be very funny if someone's interrupting you and you just say "interrupting me interrupting me interrupting me" until they stop talking lol. Works well in a group.

[@lynnehood2198]

@@bocelott brilliant!

[@darrennew8211]

I find it effective if you're getting interrupted in a very small group of people you like (i.e., family rather than a work meeting) to just start over from the beginning every time you get interrupted. And then eventually someone says "you already said that" at which point you can say "yes, but I haven't yet managed to finish."

[@LS-ek1fd]

You can go completely silent and say, “Go ahead”. That guilts the interrupter into shutting up.

[@ashleycnossen3157]

Thank you! I'm such a gentle talker, I get run over in almost every conversation, including with my husband. I can't wait to try these out.

[@alexanderlyon]

You got this!

[@Prinzenelleke]

I can be an interrupter too. Someone once used this cue on me when I interrupted them: (light touch on underarm, then in a calm and friendly tone: “I want to finish my sentence.” That cue works so well!

[@fredneecher1746]

Interrupting is rude, so I prefer to go with, "Excuse me, I'm speaking." It doesn't work, but then nothing works with the determined interrupter.

[@AcmeRacing]

I've heard the same line from someone who's just interrupted me. She'll change direction to calling me rude for talking over her when she's interrupting me.

[@waygoblue4729]

@@AcmeRacing The reply to that is: "Yeah? Well, I am SO SORRY that the middle of my sentences were interrupting the beginning of yours!" I think that's from Judge Marilyn Milian, but I've used it before.

[@Canny-Octopus]

@@waygoblue4729 you really shouldn't say that. Every single person who hears your comment will think you're a raging jerk. They will entirely forget the other person's much-lesser rudeness.

[@waygoblue4729]

​@@Canny-OctopusActually, I've been applauded for it because where I've used it, it has been like this: Usually, the people like the ones described by Acme Racing (as one who 1.- rudely interrupts, then when I say, "Excuse me, I'm speaking" and 2. - has the audacity to call me rude for talking over him/her when he/she's the one interrupting me) are so well known to be the actual "raging jerk" in the room, that many people present want somebody to call their hand to it in some way. And, I've even been thanked afterward by people who were sick-and-tired of the rudeness described by Acme Racing - thanked for retorting in such a manner that it closed the mouths of said rude people. Now, some of this, I will admit, is possibly because I am in a small town where everybody knows everybody very well, but the person I learned the reply from (Judge Marilyn Milian) is quite cosmopolitan. I do believe, however, that it would be to one's benefit to be careful before using the comment I gave flippantly, and even when/if one decides to use this retort, much attention is to be given to tone of voice (level, quick, and steady instead of loud, overly enunciated and out of control) and eye contact (direct focus instead of widening the eye sockets and "popping out" the eyeballs). From what I've experienced, much in conversation depends on place, time, people, and circumstance.

[@tianam.964]

Reminds me of the time I wanted to finally get in a word during a long phone “conversation” with one of my best friends. She talks a lot and generally I love her for it because she’s hilarious, but she also interrupts. So when she interrupted me this one time, I doggedly continued talking, determined to finish my response, but so did she! 😂 We both talked at the same time for about a full thirty seconds before I got to the end of what I wanted to say, at which point she said, “But you didn’t hear me though!” and promptly started over from the beginning! 😂🤣 I just laughed to myself and gave up lol. I don’t think any of these tips would work on her, but they’re great to keep in mind for everyone else!

[@mountaindolly2659]

So, you know Linda too?😉

[@njcanuck]

If she's a best friend, maybe you can talk about these conversation habits. You might negotiate giving her a signal or directly telling her when she is interrupting. E g., saying "can I finish my thought?"

[@tianam.964]

@@njcanuck I was just sharing the story because I thought it was funny, but I actually love that suggestion, thank you! I reminded her of that conversation once and she gave an abashed laugh and apologized, so I think if I do as you advise in the future, it would definitely work. She doesn’t mean to be rude, my girl just had a LOT to say! 😂 Thank you for your input! 🙏🏾

[@tianam.964]

@@mountaindolly2659 😂😂

[@susie5254]

I admit, some people can pull it off. But I find my relationship with these types will stay superficial.

[@amyludwig8685]

I know I've interrupted folks many times because I want to relate or share my thoughts on things too.. and how many times I've said "I wanted to share or I'll forget it.." Interrupts the train of thought, the process for the other, the conversation loses its value because it gets side-railed.. I didn't like this in my relationships.. I've learned to take notes while talking with others on things they say that I want to touch on.. I find this makes me a much more present listener, and I can write down a word or two of my thoughts, quickly acknowledge them, and continue to listen.. allowing others the chance to be fully heard and a full response in return.. keeps conversations meaningful for me because through the whole process I hear the other person deeply and can respond to the full body of the communication.. I love listening to others.. I've learned many great ideas and practices from others of all walks of life.. ❤️ "listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, they too, have their story.." The Desiderata ❤️

[@spinnettdesigns]

Thank you for this interesting and helpful video. I’ve used all of these techniques and had them done to me as well. I likewise learned them from watching the habits of gracious people that I admire. May I say that even at 60 yes old, I am a very outgoing, friendly, engaged and excitable person and ADD (lethal combination) that fights tooth and nail not to interrupt! As such, I would like some folks to know that interrupting, while rude, is not always a sign that the person is not listening. I am the “external processor” that she talked about (in other words, I’m not attempting to take over the conversation and make it about me, I’m further relating to my interlocutor) and it’s been a real fight to control this awful tendency. I’ve done a lot of therapy and it’s helped me to see many things about my childhood experiences and how I was “not heard” So there may be deep things at play when a person interrupts, it’s not simply rude behavior. While their rudeness and it’s reasons may not impact how we feel about being interrupted, it can. We can use these lovely techniques to show our compassion and care, because that’s who we are. I’m still extremely friendly and love people but now I don’t shame myself into not interrupting, rather, I have learned to become a more attentive and compassionate listener, which combats and quells my desire to interject. Thanks again!

[@shellyscholz1256]

I have traumatic brain injury and am tangential. I fully appreciate when someone asks me to return to the initial conversation. It helps me stay on topic and when interrupted by asking about the initial topic gives me the sense that you actually cared what I was trying to convey to them. Tangential aphasia should be considered when trying to get someone to stop speaking, otherwise you’re the rude person and may not even know it.

[@libertyfirst4083]

How about you cuing your conversation partners by revealing your aphasia vs. expecting others to consider that their conversation partner may have tangential aphasia and should conduct themselves accordingly?

[@shellyscholz1256]

@@libertyfirst4083 I absolutely do this! How else would they know? There’s no outward sign of aphasia. It’s not like there’s a physical sign on one’s body that lets someone know they have aphasia. But once the person knows it is absolutely rude to try to shut down a conversation with someone who has aphasia. Once they know and decide to be rude that’s a fundamental problem for the one shutting down the conversation. That is not the fault of someone with aphasia.

[@libertyfirst4083]

@@shellyscholz1256 That's great and very considerate of you, Shelly. Once you have alerted someone to your aphasia and how they can help during conversation, it certainly is rude for that person to ignore your needs.

[@shellyscholz1256]

@@libertyfirst4083 When I rapidly switch topics because I have forgotten my original topic simply ask me to go back to the first topic. If I cannot get a word from my brain to my mouth I start defining the word, let’s say the word is truth, I might say the opposite of a lie. Simply tell me the word you think I’m looking for. As this affects many people I’ll give you a few tips. If I walk into a room three times, ask me what I’m looking for and then the item will stay in the memory bank long enough for me to go get the item. Since many people forget why they’re walking in a room and forgetting what they were looking for this works well with people who don’t have aphasia. And if no one is there ask yourself why you walked into the room. It works well. Do you often lose things like keys and you can’t put them in their spot because you’re not home, instead of placing them somewhere smack them down somewhere. People forget where keys are but they rarely forget slapping something onto a flat surface. I’m off topic (not surprisingly) but I hope you find some of our adaptive measures useful in your own life.

[@shellyscholz1256]

@@libertyfirst4083 Also I may ask you to repeat what I was just talking about so I can pickup where I left off or decide that I’ve conveyed the information and it is now another person’s turn to speak.

[@bethanymay7186]

When I am talking to a certain family member on the phone, they take every pause after a sentence as their chance to respond. It's very frustrating. When I try to finish my thoughts later, they say that we have moved on, so they don't want to hear what I have to say. Very frustrating. If they weren't family, I wouldn't bother trying to communicate with them. It creates a level of hostility in our relationship and becomes toxic. 😕

[@alexanderlyon]

That sounds frustrating!

[@bethanymay7186]

@@alexanderlyon It's very frustrating. 😕 It's like I've lost a member of my family because I can't talk to them about certain things. 🤷‍♀️

[@silvameaferam5441]

I so completely identify. I actually solved this issue accidentally, by speaking "privately" to said family member's best friend. They (unauthorized) passed the message on and problem solved. NOT my way of choice, and it could have easily gone in a worse direction, but nonetheless, it did in this circumstance, work well.

[@dannovak3886]

So why even bother with them. Just cause They are family doesn't mean you have to like them. Feels weird when you 1st start to do it and X people out But after a while you realize its the most normal thing to do

[@rosew7962]

Did you consider that perhaps you are monopolizing the conversation and they are using those pauses to get a word in, or that the subject you are rambling on about may not be interesting to them?

[@richantonelli4643]

Way to much effort needed to communicate with people like like this , After determining someone is a conversation Hog , I generally totally ignore them !

[@erpollock]

An older, rather eccentric woman was compulsively talking and talking to a third woman who was very polite and didn't stop her (in our synagogue), and she continued as the Torah reading began which is very very "not done" in our circles. I said shh! several times and it was ignored. When I said out loud "Shah!" she shut up. She needed that stop sign.

[@redessa01]

I have a family member who tries to anticipate the end of your sentence and say it with you so that she has a head start on talking again. If you attempt to continue with what you'd been saying, she'll keep talking louder and louder. Once, I was having a time sensitive conversation with someone else and this family member kept trying to interrupt (with topics unrelated to the discussion). So we were ignoring her in order to get things taken care of and she got so frustrated at not being able to get a word in that she stood up and yelled, "Let me talk!" That one incident aside, overall, I would say she is not a narcissistic person, she just really loves to talk, and there are not enough social cues in the world to get her to be quiet.

[@Zzyzzyx]

I know someone like this. I wonder if it's almost a neurological thing.

[@tannpl]

I've noticed that my sister, who talks incessantly and dominates every conversation, whenever she needs to pause for a breath or to think about what to say next, will use a verbal sound to preclude anyone from taking that pause to speak. I'm going to start using these tips to see if I can get a word in. 🙂

[@susie5254]

@@Zzyzzyx I've noticed that people with poor "presentation" skills can often be in this situation. It takes them so long to get anything out that people (even usually patient people) think the speaker needs help to express what they want to say.

[@theresan8880]

I’m confused. I thought these cues were about keeping people from interrupting you when you’re talking, but she’s discussing them as to how to interrupt a person who keeps on talking. Especially, “the fish” that’s actually how to interrupt someone, not prevent it. So a bit of a confusing video title, I thought.

[@alexanderlyon]

I hear you, Theresa. I think what you're saying is only true for "the fish." This tip will not prevent them from talking but it will cut short their interruption and make room for you to resume your talking turn. However, the bookmark (raised hand), anchor touch, and preview tips can _all_ be used as you are still talking and the person is attempting to interrupt you. For example, you just raise your hand (i.e., "bookmark") as the start to speak to say nonverbally, "Hold on, I'm not done." And you continue to talk as you hold up the bookmark. In other words, the raised hand is not about you asking for permission to talk as much as it is like a stop sign. The bookmark (like the fish or anchor touch), of course, can also be used if you need to interrupt somebody politely and professionally because they won't let you into the conversation unless you send them a clear signal.

[@theresan8880]

@@alexanderlyon Thank you for clarifying. Yes, the bookmark works well for teachers with eager students, I’ve seen that a lot. Any suggestions on how to turn the conversation back to the subject I was talking about after my friend interrupts me, other than the words, “Anyways……as I was saying…..”

[@katmiller51]

Totally. I am disappointed in this video.

[@vincentbiddle]

I love how she instantly interrupts him 🤣

[@andreciagl]

Yup lol

[@tessm2152]

Totally 😂

[@heathergerdes7303]

That was the first thing I thought hahahah

[@vicenteriosrios9918]

im 53 year old, 4years ago I was diagnosed with severe ADHD and my 46 year long tendency to interrupt was explained. 46 year Ive been shamed at home, school and work. and worse by myself. Im not disrespectful , uninterested, self-absorbed. just speak out with honest y in a civilise manner. no need for manipulation.

[@katella]

Me too. I'm aware that I do this. I always thought it was my social anxiety that makes me interrupt people. I don't want to be rude. It makes me ashamed afterward. when the other person seems to have made their point I speak, but oftentimes I later realize that they meant to go on. It is embarrassing.

[@intentionallyinpired]

My loved never stops talking , never takes a breath and never let's anyone else talk ..if you are lucky enough to jump in they cut you off pretty quick. Conversations with them can be painful and even exhausting 🥵🥵

[@siwardwoudstra1751]

I really liked this one! It's really cool how powerful a small gesture can be. And also the build up toward a more powerful gesture depending on what is necessary makes it really ethical: Being aware of your environment and looking for the least drastic gesture that is effective to stand up for what you are entitled to, is also the least manipulative option and therefor most ethical.

[@alexanderlyon]

Hi, Siward. Thanks for your encouragement.

[@janec1489]

@@alexanderlyon The video was brilliant! I have 2 chronic interupters in my life, one of whom I speak with on the phone. He just keeps talking and even when I'm shouting at the other end to say "Can I just say this?"and even saying his name, he still carries on like he can't even hear me. He knows he does it because he jokes at the end that I never let him get a word in edgeways! Do you have any tips on how to deal with a phone interupter? Many thanks!

[@wintermatherne2524]

Jane C: I refuse to take their calls. I literally instruct them to TEXT 🤣🤣🤣their intent. If that offends them, tough tits!

[@MrNottocd]

I saw a conversational technique where you look away, which shows disinterest. And therefore, is less polite, however, I feel like it might be another tactic for dealing with an interrupter (especially a rude one).

[@paulmaloney2383]

Lot of people told me I interrupt their conversations, so now I am aware of it and I hardly interrupt at all, but now I gotta listen to people just on and on and on, sometime ya just got to interrupt to end the misery

[@luvmusic540]

WOW! Loved this video!“Recovering awkward person”-I’m stealing that phrase. And I will be looking up Ms. Van Edwards’ book as well. Well done video, per usual!

[@alexanderlyon]

Yes, Vanessa has a way with words. Thanks for your encouragement.

[@lindaj5492]

1:05 Love it that she interrupts him!

[@4Grace4Truth]

And 8:01

[@kimnolan4084]

As someone who is chronically interrupted, to the point where I almost feel invisible, these are great things I can add to my toolbox. Often I will be in a conversation with someone and someone will walk up and interrupt me like I'm not even there. It's so frustrating! I was always taught not to interrupt, to the point where it is hard for me to break into a conversation, but i usually wait my turn, or if the person is in a conversation with someone and I approach them , I say "I don't mean to interrupt, please go ahead and finish what you were saying". I do feel like I have valuable things to say, this may help me say them!!

[@evayossifovad]

I hear you Kim... It is so frustrating to respectfully wait your turn, or an eye cue, or something, and no one notices. Then I have to force myself to become an interrupter

[@yuppers1]

I'm so sorry. This used to happen to me a lot (female in a male-dominated industry). But then I realized that most people can't interrupt you if you don't let them. (Some are obnoxious so this doesn't work 100%.) I will keep eye contact with the rest of the group and finish my sentence. Most interrupters are doing this unconsciously and will shut themselves up when they see they're being rude.

[@francophiledawg9059]

I let the interrupter speak, and sometimes others in the group will chime in, and your unfinished story/thought is abandoned. THEN, when there is a break in the conversation, I say “…to finish what I was saying” and finish my story. It works really well, and reminds everyone that I was interrupted.

[@pammettee4975]

I want you to honestly believe me -when I say- this. We much older people (over 70 crowd) often & really do leap in to say something & DO INTERRUPT. We do this-because we have-a thought -about what is being said & know we will forget it very soon. I am serious ! This is not an excuse - there IS NO EXCUSE- but it IS a REASON. We are-So sorry !

[@eveperry4321]

I have PTSD and now and again, I have problems with my memory, so when I have a thought during a conversation, if I don’t express it immediately, I can forget it completely. I’ve had discussions about this with friends. What I found has worked, is to put up my hand when they are speaking, apologize for interrupting and say “remind me tell you my thought when you’re finished talking”. Sometimes, I add a hint to my request in case I forget the thought completely by the time they have finished speaking. This has worked very well for me. When someone keeps interrupting me, I usually just stop talking. I refuse to compete with anyone for speaking time. I handle this differently when I’m teaching or the speaker for an event.

[@juliaw7533]

Haha thank you for this. And btw Im only 55 so it doesn't just relate to 70+

[@modamus]

The anchor touch is wonderful when children want your attention and you're in a conversation with someone else. They come over and put a hand on you and you look down, acknowledge them with your eyes and then you let them speak within 30 seconds. They learn that it is more effective to way to get your attention.

[@robertvondarth1730]

I have been somewhat Que blind most of my life. Further, my communication style is that I will have a thought and then I will parse and package it to make it clear and succinct before I share it, because my attention is very valuable to me and I assume it’s valuable to others, and so I like to get down to brass tacks so to speak. Yet I find many other people have a stream of consciousness communication style,where they begin to share before the thought is even fully formed, and they expect the full point of the conversation to assemble itself in the air between us, and so I feel frustration about that because it feels so be labored or half baked, thus lends a feeling like they’re stealing my attention. My mind races ahead to guess what their point might be, and that’s a bad habit of mine. I interrupt out of frustration- SpIT IT OUT MAN!!

[@alexanderlyon]

Thanks for sharing, Robert. The good news is that these are learnable. You're in the right place.

[@tannpl]

You’ve hit on my pet peeve. I’m like you…”Don’t waste my time! Please get to the point!”

[@Find-Your-Bliss-]

Try staying with what they’re saying in the moment, listening, and being right there with them. What a gift! It is an amazing way to connect, & isn’t that the point?!

[@tannpl]

@@Find-Your-Bliss- I have always listened and tried to stay engaged because I am a polite person, but at my age after having so many waste my time because they love to hear themselves talk, I lose patience and just steer clear of certain ones.

[@optimalperformanceconsulta5813]

Wow this is helpful. I have so many associates and friends who ask how I am then proceed to talk about themselves and their lives. As per the adage "if your mouth is open you are not listening". We all need more listening and less talk.

[@Katsem]

People with focusing issues sometimes do this because they are afraid they will forget what they want to say if they don’t get their thought out, at least that’s what they’ve told me. One person I know who has trouble focusing also changes the subject out of the blue, for the same reason - afraid they will lose their thought but really want to chime in.

[@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane]

I have ADHD and that is absolutely true! Thank you for saying that so well! I do sometimes interrupt if I have something important to add to the conversation that I KNOW I'll forget if I have to wait for the other person to finish. Otherwise, I'm trying to keep it in my brain as I'm (not really) listening to what they're saying because our brains are terrible at that! Sometimes I wonder what people would think if I just said everything I'm thinking! Lol, our brains are constantly thinking about something and switching topics very quickly. It's like a constant internal conversation you can't shut off... very frustrating and exhausting!

[@miriamtorres551]

I also have a focus and memory problem in language, but like math. So I’m excited to try the finger counting tip and see if it helps me to remember what I ‘Dl like to say and not fumble all over the place trying to pick up the points I wanted to say and concentrate on the words to choose👍🏼 If it starts to work, I’ll come back and to this reply😊

[@susie5254]

Many of us are afraid we're going to forget what WE want to say. But that might be like excusing the behavior of somone who says, "I'm in a hurry so get out of my way" and pushes through the line. Some people can't follow social cues, but I think it then becomes a question of whether or not each individual can deal with their mannerisms. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I can't.

[@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane]

@@susie5254 It's not an excuse; it's trying to raise a little awareness and educate people as to *why* some people have a hard time communicating with others. The majority of people out there don't understand nor can they relate to what it's like to have executive function problems. This is a genetic problem having to do with chemicals in the brain we are unable to process like "normal" people can... we're really not trying to be immature a-holes, lol! I honestly can't think of an area of life it doesn't affect. It can be VERY difficult for people with ADHD to process incoming information (what YOU'RE saying plus all the other stimulus happening), and at the same time hold in their memory what they want to say long enough for a pause in the conversation to tell you, or harness one of the 50 other thoughts we're thinking. The thought can seriously be gone in as fast as a second or two... it happens to me multiple times a day. It doesn't mean I go blurting into every conversation with every thought that comes to mind, but it does mean that it happens *occasionally.* I don't feel like I interrupt people any more than they interrupt me, however. Neurotypical people may relate a little because it does happen to them sometimes, but not to the extent it does with us literally every waking moment of every day, year after year. I don't know if you can even image what that does to a person's self esteem, being so misunderstood for so many years. It affects friendships, love relationships, working relationships, etc. Our choices kind of boil down to these: 1. Take notes on what the other person is saying and what we want to say... gee, nobody would think we're weird or anything doing THAT in a normal conversation at work, home, or socializing... right?? 2. Interrupt... so we look like a jerk sometimes, 3. not say anything because we wouldn't remember it long enough to wait for a break in the conversation as we absorb what the other person is saying. Then we would feel like we aren't being heard, or feel like we're not contributing, and that we and our ideas are not important... meanwhile, when there is a break in the conversation, we're just standing there like a deer in headlights with nothing to say because it's been forgotten, so we look like idiots to others, when we're really not. (They think that Einstein and Leonardo da Vince had ADHD) 3. Hope that the moon and stars align and we get to say what we want to say right when we are thinking it and right when there's a pause in conversation to say it... LOVE when that happens!! 4. Hang around people that understand us... and that's what usually occurs eventually in an ADHD person's life... because everyone else sees us as childish, selfish, weird, loner, etc. because of a lack of UNDERSTANDING and maybe a little empathy that not everyone is the same.

[@deniseshore9637]

Wow, so adhd makes rude behavior acceptable. The rest of the world does not understand your superior brains that move too fast for the rest of us slugs. Lol

[@libbyworkman3459]

It took me a long time to realize that a friend who lived in another city and called me every four days did not want a conversation. She wanted someone to listen to her. When I finally realized that I needed that 45 minutes to do things myself at home I ended the friendship. I was getting nothing from it myself, and it was costing me too much.

[@acupofrainbows]

These are some great tips. My daughter and I use the loving pat to help each other. And helpful info for people with difficulty reading social cues. What I would like to add is to please remember that some people with ADHD, autism or other neurodivergence may not be noticing the cues, but it doesn't mean they don't care about you having a turn to talk. Many times, we, as neurodivergent people have a huge fear of forgetting our thoughts and without the opportunity to write them down, our brain says "hurry up and finish" - this is also related to the neurodivergent brain's difficulty with impulse control. Another common problem we sometimes have is feeling validated or truly heard. One of the best ways to "shut me up" 😉 is to say something like "That's a great point" or to rephrase what I've said (even if you disagree) so I don't feel the compulsive need to keep explaining or repeating in different ways, thinking that I haven't been clear or must be making a "stupid mistake" (as was commonly told to us growing up in the 80's). Final thoughts, neurodivergent or neurotypical alike, people with this problem - of interrupting or not letting someone else speak - often have low self esteem and low self confidence. Work to build other people up in conversations and make them feel important and included and try to keep your frustration to a minimum. We all need that in our conversations and in life, but neurodivergent people and people with layers of childhood trauma actually need it even more because most likely they've faced a ton of bullying, teasing, ridicule, embarrassment, shame and lots of other negative experiences - for their *entire* life - that result in low self value and self worth. Typically even a narcissist is just a severe case of low self esteem. When you can look at it from this perspective, from compassion and empathy and search for the root cause of the problem, it can really help you to help that conversation flow instead of becoming frustrated. It can help us all find a way to connect in spirit and help the other person communicate more effectively, rather than you feeling annoyed with them and then feeling "stupid" or unimportant. Trust me, they're usually already annoyed at themselves and this may be the one topic that makes them feel the tiniest bit of personal power and confidence. And many of these people may be undiagnosed and uneducated in neurodivergence - and not even know what's going on with themselves other than feelings of low self worth and lack of value. Granted, we have to learn how to be thoughtful, notice social cues and stop obsessing on "special interests", but I just want this awareness to be out there so we can all creater a kinder, more accepting world with less judgment and greater focus on help, connection and collaboration. 💕✌️🕊️

[@DeborahCaldwell77]

…. no room for a reply to your repetitive rant

[@Gherkinlife]

Well said. Especially exasperated sighs don't help neurodivergant people.

[@tea3838]

Thank you so much for this useful input. I have saved your comment to read when I need help helping my mixed neurodivergent-neurotypical groups of students interact.

[@lindahollander3588]

Thank you for your intelligent comment

[@deborahcaldwell9775]

Nice realistic tips. With my ex-husband, I have (lately) fallen into silence, verbally note when he was finally finished that I have been interrupted and that I will not continue with what I was saying, thereby pointing out to him that he has insulted my commentary. I think your tips are better

[@joyceonthego8317]

Great tips for everyday life as well as giving a presentation. Thank you, Vanessa. And thank you, Alex, for presenting her lesson to us.

[@patriciastewart2537]

Watching this again to try to stop myself from interrupting people!!

[@claritytruth445]

Such insight into this particular matter is also helping me to become more self-aware during a conversation as well, which is equally important! 💛 Thank you so much for sharing this!!!

[@alexanderlyon]

Happy to help!

[@mikeflowers8832]

Courtesy is something you learn as a child, listen before you speak, be quiet when someone is speaking to you (Listen with your Ears)..I got 2 life time friends who does it all the time despite the fact I've talked to them about it. It's a Hard habit to break.!

[@alphamegaradio]

Excellent tips, Alex! I have a superior in the workplace that's notorious for incessant interrupting and cutting you off mid-sentence... every sentence. I'm going to try these softer cues in addition to the harder ones, in order to compare. Thank you for presenting this info, and for all that you do, brother!

[@laurelb4193]

Good tips! A person who interrupts or talks for a long time might lack self awareness or be neuro divergent rather than being a narcissist

[@kenetinuade9657]

My first encounter with Vanessa was on her TEDx talk - you are contagious. She was absolutely delightful. I particularly like the way she intertwines humor with practical and relatable examples. I'll try the techniques here but maybe not 'the fish' (haha). Many thanks for sharing Alex!

[@alexanderlyon]

Hi, Kene. Agreed. Vanessa is great.

[@dechinta]

I remember one time when a baby in the family had started to say something, and we were all suddenly quiet and rapt with attention to hear this beautiful child's first words. But my mother just started talking LOUDER, trying to talk over the baby because she thought her words were more important than anything the little baby might want to say. There was no shutting my mother up. Never.

[@alexanderlyon]

Oh, that's a pretty bad habit! That's a person who has some issues.

[@Narbyful]

This was very interesting and very helpful - especially the Preview Technique. I have folks I adore that are absolute interrupters. There are two problems for me with that. First, I was raised that interrupting is super rude. So every time I'm interrupted, it's ingrained into me that I should be at least annoyed. And second, the folks that do it now feel that it's just part of normal conversation, and that so what. I've expressed hey, please stop doing that and no. That's just how we are. So as others have expressed: I've just sorta given up, overall. But I like the Preview Technique, especially with something important that has many points or layers. THAT'S where I'll get interrupted consistently. I may START out well, but by the end of the first point, it's like crazy train of not my floor anymore. So, thanks. I have hope now. 🥰

[@kimnolan4084]

I was raised that way too....and I think you are right, it is ingrained to feel annoyed.

[@rodschmidt8952]

Try carrying an air horn, and every time they interrupt you, let off a blast. They'll learn

[@Narbyful]

@@rodschmidt8952 LOL You're funny, Rod. Yea. That's crossed my mind. "HEY!" I've actually raised my hand like someone asking permission to talk. It's a subtle reminder - the air horn is next. :)

[@dianeelder8773]

Formerly Vanessa Van Petten. She tutored my son long ago and was terrific.

[@lagartogrande1908]

I do not and will not tolerate interruptions. That includes quick questions that do not pertain to the conversation in the moment. I will continue to speak, I will raise my voice if I have to. I will say "do not interrupt me". I will repeat my thought. Keep it plain and simple. The only way some people will get the message is if you are direct and forceful. I do not care at all if I hurt their feelings. They are the interruptor after all. However, when they are speaking, I make it a point refrain from interrupting them. Which usually goes unnoticed. Finally, if they keep interrupting, I will disengage. Conversation is not info one upmanship. Conversation is not "debate" or sport.

[@kathyxray]

I wish I could disengage, I can't its rude (just my opinion). I also cannot/will not say, "please let me finish". I am an introvert, but also am someone who hates details over inconsequential stuff. I don't give details nor can I understand why anyone wants to share these details.

[@greylizard1040]

This happens to me a lot. It sucks. I kind of give up on anything I have to say around certain people I know, there are unfortunately people who have to get everything out before they even notice that you exist, and even then they talk over you. There are some people these tricks don't work on, and reaching out and even touching them lightly to get their attention could be seen as an insult or personal attack, as they are very sensitive. This is the kind of thing that can trigger an argument in some people. It's one thing to be excited and passionate about telling someone something every once in a while but when it happens on a regular basis, that's a sign that they might be a toxic person. It's really good that you mention narcissism in this video, most people don't know much about it, and talking over people is something most of them do. Narcissists can do huge amounts of damage to people's lives, I recommend everyone learn more about it, about 20% of our population consists of highly narcissistic people and the number is growing all the time. We have all dealt with at least one narcissist in our lives.

[@ChrisCanary]

I've ended friendships with people who constantly interrupted me, or asked a question, interrupted my answer and then would change the subject. I'm obviously not interesting enough or you don't care what anyones opinion is besides your own. As they show so little care or social skills, I can't be bothered with trying to be tactful. Just straight up, walk away from them in the middle of what they're saying and then drop them completely.

[@tml9174]

Been there, done that. Life is too short to put up with that much disrespect.

[@margaretcurrie4093]

Yap knw just how u feel 👍

[@InJusticeAustralia]

I have suffered immensely my entire life bc of the uncaring, self centred, selfish, disrespectful and even obnoxious non stop talkers, who aren’t just “interrupters” bc they never shut up even a minute. It consumed me for most of my life. I couldn’t, and still can’t, understand how anyone can be so rude, and so oblivious to the fact that they’re being so rude. Since gaining some good confidence I have straight up told some how rude they are, others- I’ve shown in other ways like just walking away, or my now favourite is I tell them I hate when people speak AT me… I recall so many times feeling mentally violated by those that just wanted to use me as a sounding board, and that clearly didn’t give a rats that I may have wanted to speak, or leave, or even just not want to listen to them. Yet on and on and on and on they went. It’s made me hate socialising, and made me a recluse. And no, I / no one should HAVE to find ways to get a word in. The one hogging all the time and sucking the energy out of the listener should be the one to adjust their manner, and just shut the hell up.

[@kimberlywills7219]

I totally know what you mean about being talked AT. And sometimes I wouldn't notice, being an introverted and polite person. One time I suddenly realized, at my house, there were 3 of us sitting at the table and one person was standing, facing us, and shouting a story that happened to her years ago and made her mad back then. She was so into it, and it was going for so long with such detail, and with her standing above us and shouting down all this negativity at us, I suddenly thought, "this actually feels kind of abusive!", like she was just getting her anger out by recalling the story "at" us. I decided that night that I am NOT a big giant EAR! I didn't know what to do about it at the moment, but one thing was that I never let her stand above me while I sat, like a power-position thing. I spent less & less time with her, gradually. Another common thing is when people just want to complain and blame, and show how everyone is against them, blah blah blah.... sorry, but if you think your last 5 bosses in the past 2 years all screwed you over, you might need to look in the mirror. Hey, have a hand mirror nearby, and next time someone is using you as a sounding board, just hold up the mirror. When they ask why, say they might as well be talking to themselves if they're not going to let you respond! 😂

[@femmedraven]

These might work if the person who interrupts me the most actually looked at me when I'm speaking to them. My mother never lets anyone finish what they're saying. Never. She doesn't look at you when you're talking so she can ignore social cues and is always fiddling with something or doing something when others talk. She uses the, "I don't want to forget what I wanted to say" excuse for interrupting as if what the person who was speaking had to say meant nothing.

[@allanh5618]

These methods will be most effective with people who do not want to be rude and want to let the 'conversation' be more than their personal monologue.

[@nyborp]

A very important topic. Thank you for addressing and showing interruption in action :-). It raises the question of why we wish to spend time with people who are not interested in what we have to say. For me, someone has to be interesting AND interested. I would be interested in how to handle this over the telephone when verbal cues cannot be used.

[@alexanderlyon]

Great point!

[@kathyk2777]

Agree. My sister constantly interrupts me on the phone. Several times I just decided to keep talking rather than stop and let her interrupt - but she doesn't get it and we both end up talking at the same time which is ridiculous. My response now is to let her interrupt and when she's done, I start my last sentence all over again without commenting on what she said. It's not fun. I have asked her in the past to p!ease let me finish, and then she just shuts down like I'm the bad guy. Sigh.

[@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane]

@@kathyk2777 I have a friend exactly like that and I have done the same thing you have! I've even flat out told her "please stop interrupting me!" She stops for awhile, then it starts again... I have ADHD (executive function difficulties cause us to have problems retaining information temporarily while having to focus on something else needing our attention) and if I get interrupted I completely lose my train of thought, so this is especially frustrating for me.

[@robinr.9007]

Robyn Pulman- Yes, me too! I was in a phone conversation with a neighbor; I ended up talking so fast, I almost got dizzy! It was important new legal information, I found myself saying repeatedly: “Please, let me finish this, you need to know this … It affects you!” - to no avail. I even said to her: “Please… stop interrupting”” This went one for 10+ minutes; it felt like an hour. Kinda exasperating. 😵‍💫

[@janec1489]

@@SweetStuffOnMonarchLane Yes! I have this too where if people interrupt, I lose my train of thought. I have said to people when starting to talk, please let me just finish otherwise I lose my thread, but they sometimes still do it! 🤷‍♀️

[@inkoksikate]

Love how they keep interrupting and talking over each other, despite the title of the video. Also Cues 1 to 3 are about how YOU can interrupt somebody else. It does not prevent from being interrupted yourself - unless you keep the "Bookmark" and "Fish" activated at all times while you speak.

[@chloenightingale]

This was super helpful, and I'm so glad to learn I'm a dreamer and not a narcissist. 😂😂

[@alexanderlyon]

I'm so glad! Ha. I'd guess that most people who think about this topic wouldn't be narcissistic.

[@onecoolcat2478]

I'm not blessed with natural diplomacy. In fact I'm rather blunt. Videos like this help. I typically start raising my voice over theirs, to be heard. Remember - whoever interrupts you is the rude one - not you. I have to constantly tell my husband in advance "I'm about to say something - now *hear me through to the end*" !! If that doesn't work than I am mentally done. I start thinking about my schedule for the day.

[@Knapweed]

Oddly enough, I find, "'Please stop interrupting and talking over me." does the trick without any need for passive-aggressive hints.

[@alexanderlyon]

Well, that can work. That's pretty direct and would clearly be helpful and necessary in some situations. These tips in the video aren't passive-aggressive, however, as you suggest. They are mostly nonverbal but they are 100% in the assertive communication column. In contrast, passive aggressive examples would be eye rolling, smirking, or throwing our hands in the air when we are interrupted. But back to your other point. I have said statements like "please stop interrupting me" a few times over the years when I mattered the most. It sort of worked but also caused some longer-term blow back. Still, I had to say it because it was no longer acceptable.

[@Knapweed]

@@alexanderlyon I think our different positions could be cultural. I'm English, so I prefer honesty and forthrightness over goldfish imitations and hints. To me, these strategies display a lack of trust and an attempt to manipulate me, which I would resent. I called it passive-aggressive because Vanessa admitted she used the strategy to gain control of the conversation. However you look at it, deliberately attempting to gain control of a conversation is an aggressive manoeuvre and if you use covert rather than overt tactics to do so, it is passive, hence my conclusion it is a passive-aggressive strategy. I see no difference in terms of passive-aggressiveness between eye-rolling and somebody sticking their hand in my face with their mouth hanging open. I have met people who consider a conversation is delivering a long monologue with my only purpose being to initiate the conversation with the occasional starter and to listen to them, attentively. My approach may cause some offence but at least they actually know the reasons why and it is well within their power to remedy the situation should they choose to do so. In fact, it may ultimately have a positive effect on their other interactions if they use the experience to alter their habit of dominating the conversation.

[@chimbob67]

@@Knapweed Many people prefer indirect correction, not blunt statements asking them to behave better. It is about letting someone save face and about not coming across as aggressive.

[@Knapweed]

@@chimbob67 I understand the intent but I disagree with the outcome. Continually stamping over somebody and denying them the opportunity to respond is a very aggressive act, basically bullying. Most people know that bullies require direct intervention, not vague hints.

[@d.soldier3720]

I'm the person that interrupts. Still working on that. Learning to shut up to listen more. That's been my trick🙏

[@emerald637]

How can I regain my interrupted conversation while on the telephone? I have a friend who constantly interrupts me and cuts me off right at the point when I am three-to-five words away from completing my sentence. This friend boldly interrupts me, and then sharply darts the conversation away to a whole different subject. When I try to return to complete my thought, it just sounds awkward and out of place. Every time this happens, I find myself rushing my words to say as much as possible within a matter of seconds, just knowing the interruption will indeed take place. By doing that, I mess up and cannot speak with the same clarity and articulation that I normally would with another person. Even before I begin sharing my thought and request that my friend allows me to complete my full thought or comment uninterrupted, they still do it. I love this friend, but do not enjoy being constantly disrespected in this way.

[@gatheringmoss5726]

You describe your feelings as love for someone who has no interest in you nor do they have respect for your thoughts and feelings. I was married to someone like that and for decades I told myself it was love until I finally realized the truth and left. I had a dear friend of 40 years that never really respected me and snarled at anything I said that she didn't agree with. I finally realized the truth about that relationship also. I waited far too long to wise up. I hope you won't let anyone treat you that way anymore. Take care of yourself. That's the lesson I had to learn.

[@ricKter2099-Oficial]

I'm deeply in love with Vanessa, in another reality we are the perfect couple, her books are powerful stuff!

[@TrustKnowWun]

What about phone convo's? My sister totally dominates our convo's. Ever hear the saying 'can't get a word in edgewise'? It gets exhausting being her audience all the time.

[@coinholio6863]

I used to interrupt myself (a learned family thing). Now I am conscious about it and try not to do it. I have one friend that talks on and on and is so banal and vapid in her choices of conversation. (I literally don't need to hear the story of her friend, who left a purse in a hotel room, going on to describe the mundane contents, etc., and that story surfaces quite regularly). By the time I want to actually comment on what she was saying, we are so off-topic by now, it doesn't make sense. Our conversations are mainly by phone. As a test, I let her speak (for over an hour) and didn't say much of anything, more than a "uh, huh" or "oh" to see if she even realizes what she does. I just lose the will to live when speaking to her, and we've known each other for over 50 years.

[@HappyHolyHealthyLife]

This is awesome! I was interviewed for a podcast, and the interviewer would scarcely let me get 2 sentences out before cutting in and talking for several minutes! Sometimes I couldn't get out 3 words before he jumped in! This was done on a Skype call with no video, so I really didn't know what to do. This call was almost 2.5 hours. I guess some people are better suited to talking alone and not interviewing people, but I don't know him well enough to point out how strange all this felt. Maybe when he goes back to edit, he will realize how much he cut me off. Funny enough, when I tried to cut in on him talking he wouldn't allow it. He'd either just keep talking, and at one point I think he even said, I'm getting to my point. Lol 🤣 Wow!

[@missmayflower]

Why would you even stay and tolerate that for 2.5 hours? What a waste of your time and what a display of disrespect on the podcasters part. I would have hung up after a half hour max.

[@HappyHolyHealthyLife]

@@missmayflower He's really nice, and I think he was just really excited about the topic we were discussing. I didn't want to be rude, and I kept thinking eventually he would stop interrupting, but I guess he just needs some coaching on how to interview. 😇

[@zanleekain117]

I don't know about this guy, so maybe this doesn't apply here, but some Podcasters do 'interviews' just to have someone there to validate their point, rather then to actually hear from the guests point of view. Some may be doing this subconsciously, but for many it's an ego thing.

[@elisemiller13]

"A recovering awkward person", I can definitely relate!

[@babthooka]

As a not very assertive person, I don't see a lot here that would help me do stuff to prevent people from interrupting me. Point 4, sure, but everything else is a "how to go about interrupting people" instead. Very strange! Perhaps one should approach conversations as a competition on interrupting each other? The best and most subtle interrupter wins?

[@alexanderlyon]

Many people are making a similar comment but let me paste a response I left on another one that I hope will clear it up. "The title is accurate. These tips work equally well for preventing somebody from interrupting as they do getting the talking turn back on your side. The next time somebody might be ready to interrupt you, use the preview, bookmark, and anchoring touch to prevent them from interrupting and you'll see what I mean. Those techniques will help you continue talking so the other person doesn't horn in and take over. They all say "I'm not done yet." Only the "fish" is exclusively handy when the other person has already taken over the conversation and you're trying to get the floor back."

[@angelamorrison2229]

Thank you so much it’s not a case of what you say but how you say it she’s brilliant

[@SingPrayPaint]

My biggest problem: I've been ignored all of my life. So I've evolved into an abnoxious person. I will still wait for an opportunity to talk, but then someone else will cut in, so I usually end up walking away. When I finally get a chance to speak the thing I hate most is when someone touches me. It indicates to me that they feel that their opinion is far superior to mine and that they think they have a higher intellect. It may also have something to do with past trauma, though. I just don't like it when someone touches me...especially when they're interrupting me. Affectionate greetings are fine, but PLEASE for once...listen to what I have to say!

[@viniciusgmachado1204]

@Communication Coach Alexander Lyon Thank you, Alex! This should work. I could sure use a communication coach like you. In fact, I could sure use you! You’ve just earned yourself a subscriber.

[@desertdweller8683]

Hmmm...well I know a few people that none of this would ever work with, they just rudely burst into a conversation...not even on topic. I have tried pointing it out, tried to wait and go on with whatever I'm trying to say, but none of this works. These people just want to basically monologue endlessly and really aren't interested in hearing anyway. So I just walk away. These polite tactics will IMO only work with people that are not intentionally interrupting. When it comes to rude, constant interrupters and monologue-ers..why bother? Honestly, they don't care what anyone else has to say anyway.

[@rosemacaskie]

One such gesture i have met with, to shut me up, was to yawn when I spoke, which used to totally work with me. I never imagined taht people were mean enough to shut me up because they did not want me to prove myself in any way worth while.

[@austingeorge6659]

Wow, that's helpful. Yes, even letting your middle school youth group know there are three things first we'll do before we can free-talk is extremely helpful! Thank you!

[@rebeccabriggs2982]

I've found myself interrupting because the other person doesn't create any breaks for anyone else to speak..... I've also interrupted because I have something so relevant to what they're saying and I know I'll have forgotten it 3,5 or 15 minutes later when they stop speaking. But I do it in a way that allows them to immediately carry on within seconds. Don't know if that makes sense but I really want to learn good two way conversation but then I think well it takes two. These tips are great

[@Joy-zd3wu]

The preview technique (also known as Roadmapping or Sign Posting) is effective for nearly EVERY age group. I have used it in a room of 5 year olds and when needing to keep my boss' attention to get quick answers, and everyone in between! Thank you for these tidbits. We appreciate you Coach and thank you for bringing guests on as well.

[@alexanderlyon]

Thanks for sharing your examples, Joy.

[@theeemaven]

I read "in a room with 5 year olds when needing to keep my boss' attention.." I started laughing so hard. Was thinking "good one." Then I reread it. & I now see how very significant the word "and" can be. Conjunction Junction, What's Your Functionnnnn."

[@Narbyful]

@@theeemaven My husband once applied for (and got) a position of Dean of a school at his university. During his interview process, someone asked, "What special experience makes you qualified for this position?" and without missing a beat, he said, "I have a 5 year old." The connection isn't lost there. :) Everyone at the meeting laughed and nodded, appreciating how that WOULD be of value.

[@elstal22]

I am a chronic interrupter. Unrelated to that, I started participating in a weekly Codependents Anonymous meeting on Zoom. While one person voluntarily shares with the group, everyone else is required to keep their microphones on mute, and keep their facial expressions to a minimum. And, if you choose to share, you can’t comment on what someone else has said or offer them advice. I am hoping that I’m building up some “muscle memory” of just sitting and listening that will serve me well in normal conversations.

[@alexanderlyon]

Sounds like good practice.

[@Sonia-zq9ek]

Amazing! I just realised that I use these cues naturally!😄 I love Vanessa’s style, thank you 🙏🏻

[@MuseLeathercraft]

Excellent instruction and explanations! Thanks! G

[@TheKaffeeBonbon]

I have this problem with my brother. But the thing is, he knows he’s interrupting. Everytime I tell him something, he thinks of something else and says ”just a minute” right over my story and steers the conversation into another direction. It’s just so frustrating. My mom now is talking so fast with him in the hopes she’ll get to finish before he interrups. It’s so annoying. It destroys every conversation with him. I sometimes tried to just keep talking if he interrupted but he still kept talking. I‘ll try these cues but I don’t habe much hope for them to work.

[@robinjosmith66]

I have the same issue with my brother. However, I have to be very firm with him and emphasize to him that he needs to let me finish what I'm saying. "Stop, you need to let me finish what im saying," usually works.

[@donyabroas3192]

I feel like this is more of a “how to interrupt without being rude” but helpful.