How to Manage Toxic Relationships - Terri Cole

[@avanellehansen4525]

Hi Terri. It's me again. The lady with the overly helpful/intrusive neighbor. I've been watching your videos and just received your book. I have chronic pain and am homebound. I sent her an explanation of "the spoon theory for chronic pain". It helped for about a week. (Energy vampire) I've suggested that she widen her circle of friends, bought her craft supplies to give her something to do at her own house, asked if she'd considered getting her own dog, etc. While she says that she's exhausted physically and emotionally, she's delivering entire dinners to three peoplebin the neighborhood! I just agreed with, "I'm sure you are!" I considered my assertiveness as practice, but now i think it's time to stop dancing. I can't "fix" her neediness. Thanks for your good help. Feeling relieved and guilt free. 😊

[@terri_cole]

Glad you've figured out a way to manage it ❤️

[@carolloraine223]

Draining! I've been NO Contact for several months and feel so much better physically and emotionally. Take care of yourself and BE Happy!!

[@karenmininni4962]

Perfect description of what so many relationships are these days. Toxic drama, negative, envious, belittling, and victimizing people. Its like you have to keep ducking from whats flying at you all the time. The workplace is the worst. Most are coming in high or half hung over. Its like you have to pick your battles because you are in a war zone. Yes, assertive courage to stay out of the mud is best.

[@David-ze2yf]

Hey 👋,, how are you doing today; how’s everything going over there; hope it was a blessed day for you Karen?

[@albatross0175]

I recall looking at a benefits report at a past co wherein 80% of the prescriptions were anti-depressant, anti anxiety meds, meaning 4/5ths of the people around me were on something.......can't say I'm surprised because I believe workplaces are more toxic now than ever!

[@searcherin1]

This video is pearl of wisdom... Straight to the point, all important points included. I saw this in the time when I was leaving my toxic narcissstic boyfriend. He was such a difficult person... Even though, I was sure of him and he was making an effort in general, he was so demending, he was treating me like his enemy, shouting at me and ventig his anger on me, trying to make me guilty of everything, omg... It was contstant attack. I didn't know, what's happening. I was trying to talk with him, explain, give an example, everything, nothing was helpful. I loved him and became attached to him, I was hoping we start home together... So sad :(. I think more young women, should receive direct message - people don't change, don't waste your time and as the author said - don't take part in that dance!

[@rage8620]

This is very sad. Im going thru this rn

[@KatzeMelli]

I‘m going through this right now as well

[@robinjohnson8149]

Terri, I feel a little better today. Thanks for the positive energy. I've been listening to this video over and over.

[@terri_cole]

Glad to hear it

[@christinabaatz1204]

Dear Terri Cole , I thank YOU.

[@jannamartens9806]

Yes I have two bullies who try to provoke fights with me everyday . Anytime I’m happy they get other people to call me ugly . Even though I know I’m not . I grew up with a family who made fun of me my whole life , so I’m uneffected by people like this anymore. I know it’s just their insecurities.I find it’s about understanding their bad behaviour s . I know lots of toxic people . I only do healthy relationships now .

[@carolloraine223]

I refuse to stay around and try to work on things knowing full well it's going nowhere......especially with a grown man. Too much work and energy.

[@ruthyoung1032]

It's this way with my family and I moved away from them only to realize I married a narc toxic man who told me everything I needed to hear and thought I finally found someone who truly understands me.. it was all fake 😣. I'm understanding the reason I did this through Terri's videos. I've been out of the relationship emotionally but still there physically. I'm being love bombed at the moment because he knows that I know and I guess doesn't want to lose his main source, with little peeks of his true self now and then. I have to figure out what to do next 😔

[@Interestingchica]

How are you now?

[@StandupGirl-ym3ey]

Yessssss!!!

[@julia912d5]

So true! So accurate! It's so nice to hear someone else talk about things that too often go unacknowledged. Thank you so much for your videos. We've been driven insane by toxic people when raised in abusive families. Fortunately, I have a knee-jerk reaction to people who try gaslighting me like that now. I have a zero-tolerance for all attempts to manipulate or invalidate me in some way. I'm not re-living my childhood one more second of my life if I can avoid it.

[@terri_cole]

Hell YES to that, Julia!!

[@imalifter2]

Thank you Terri!! Your videos are creating an awareness for me that I've never had. As a now 47 yr old single mom with 4 children with a lifetime of ( and still ongoing) Narc abuse from family members and ex husband, I can't tell you how relieved I feel knowing Im not actually crazy. I had unfortunately grew up in and subsequently married an abusive man with whom I stayed with out of fear and control for 23 years and have 4 children with. Which he now uses against me knowing I will protect them. I'd need another 47 years and a small fortune just to tell the entire story. But thank you again! You're doing a wonderful thing. 🙏🏽

[@alexandrae8519]

My goodness, so much of this resonated with me. I've realized it will require distancing to ensure a healthy relationship with myself and the rest of my family. Your videos are really helpful and I'm grateful to have found you.

[@evolvewithmonettellc]

One of the most concise descriptions of a toxic relationship that I've run across on this platform. Thank you so much!

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome!!

[@voicebistro2726]

Thanks Terri, for your great info. I have had a longtime "friend" whom I have discovered is highly manipulative. So manipulative, in fact, that she told me she considered herself my life coach! (Who does that?!?!) I am thankful she revealed herself to me. I am waking up to just how controlling she strives to be in my life. One-up-man-ship, breach of trust, walking on eggshells, the feeling that I am always the one in the wrong, etc. have all become such an energy drain on a life that wants to move forward. But you know what? I am trusting my gut here. Setting boundaries. Over time I'll be able to tell if it's a real friendship. You were a real help to me today.

[@terri_cole]

Right on, Cynthia! I am cheering you on ;)

[@shelaveave7368]

I am that toxic person, I was so unaware for four years I had no idea what was wrong with me I kid you not, I was raised in a household with drugs and alcohol and I had no idea the effect it had on me. My partner showed me all my negative ways over the years, and I have been changing looking back at who I was I think how in the world did I not see my toxic ways. I'm not completely changed but I am very happy to be on the road to a healthier, better me. I thank my boyfriend for all the abuse I put him through how strong he was to withstand and educate me.. He shouldn't have but he did. I still like watching these videos to help me stay away from that part of me.

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you and holding space for your healing. Thank you for sharing this.

[@cynthiawhite1122]

Your courage is admirable as well as your vulnerability.

[@barbaranargang1244]

This is where I'm at now...my head is still spinning..like I've been on a roller coaster for so long. Like how have I not seen this before. It has been very damaging to me emotionally, mentally, and physically😢

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion. I hear you.

[@simondylim547]

Best vid on this topic by far... finding it incredibly difficult as a man dealing with someone so unwilling to work things through no matter how I approach the issues. Keep telling myself it’s a man’s job to put up with them and take the blame... found myself deeply broken, doing and saying things I am completely ashamed of... now here I am feeding into this toxic cycle. Some people are seriously only there to drain you. No matter how much you give. Over and over. Opening up gently makes it worse. I can’t even talk to anyone about this cuz I feel it’ll make lesser “man” out of me.

[@terri_cole]

I hear you and I"m witnessing you with compassion. You are not lesser for experiencing the full range of emotions. You are human. I am holding space for you.

[@cynthiawhite1122]

Keep watching videos...Knowledge is power...Put your energy into healing.

[@foodandhomeprep8425]

I feel so free ending that relationship. It’s been a lot of work, but it’s worth it.

[@sydneyparmelee3351]

I truly needed this. You provided me with alot of things to think about that I have been too afraid to. Thank you

[@raniaabutaleb4392]

Grateful to have found you I love to listen to how you are talking just calmly and from the heart ❤many thanks

[@terri_cole]

So happy to have been found, Rania ;) Welcome!

[@caleuxx9108]

Great summary video about toxic relationships. I would like to add that toxic (my experience) is also: constant lack of communication, not doing what is promised or agreed upon, extreme regular lateness that effects others, walking all over other people's boundries and them not clearly stating their own boundries and then being angry that their wants of needs are not met (they never stated them and/or when they state them they expect instant compliance)... that feels toxic to me. My sister-in-law (35) acts like a spoiled 14 year old, who has not learned to prioritize, so she is constantly doing fun things, is on facebook (even during short family get-to-gethers, etc) and then she asks for help with important things that are completely her responsibility and that she doesn't have the time to do, because she is doing unimportant things most of the time. When I say no, that is your responsibility, she has a fit and sends my brother after me - so triangulation and manipulative control tactics.

[@kittymonsta_pt6209]

This was so insightful, thank you and bless your soul !

[@sandyshorewalker5364]

Thanks for the ideas on handling things in a healthy firm way. Great video. In relationships with people I do care about therefore I think it's worth the effort.

[@David-ze2yf]

Hey 👋,, how are you doing today; how’s everything going over there; hope it was a blessed day for you Sandy?

[@CheFab1984]

Your describing how I feel to the T. But every time I express how I feel. His response is that that's how I make him feel. That I think im perfect.

[@fuzzyx2face]

Check Chetta Out that sounds like a manipulation, I would just break up with them

[@MsAndromeda63]

I get the same shit. gaslighting I think they call it. turn it around on us. pfffft

[@julieb6624]

That shows no empathy. Run. Leave him.

[@CheFab1984]

@@fuzzyx2face I can’t just break up. I am married with 3 kids.

[@CheFab1984]

@@julieb6624 I am married with 3 kids. 2 are small.

[@sunshine-sm6nf]

my 2 adult children are narcisstic and alcoholics. We quit doing holidays together for the first time last year. It got too painful. Yes I love them but it is toxic. Working myself to death and was not appreciated, put down, not show up a lot of the times. Talking to me disrespectful, saying things like you already said that and just giving me those negative curveballs. Their Dad was an alcoholic also. I tell them to stop by and see us over Xmas, keep it simple. No big dinners or planning helped a lot. Taking care of me for a change.

[@terri_cole]

Yes, cheering you on to take care of yourself. Thank you for sharing your reflections and story here.

[@caleuxx9108]

A toxic example from my life - I have been called stubborn many times by my narcissistic father... When the narcissist tries to control other people, they use various persuasion tactics. My father has many times asked me to do things for him, that were illegal, morally wrong or just wrong and when I told him no, he would press the matter with his brain washing techniques and when I still resisted he would call me stubborn and try to shame me for my integrity. He actually used the word integrity in the same sentence as pathetic - "you and your integrity are so pathetic"....

[@danpellyinspirationalspeak6168]

Good analysis ,and identifying all the hot buttons to realize your better off not remaining involved with toxic people..

[@terri_cole]

Thanks Dan!

[@zaidagarza4620]

Terri cole is amazing, listen her videos are helping me a lot, simple God put her in my life

[@TheRedgoldenchild]

You cant be asertative to your boss unless you dont really need that job! What you should do is join a Trade Union and Get them to intervene if you are being bullied at work! Also most normal people can handle a bit of banter and are not hyper-sensitive. Real narcissistic people are dangerous and can resort to violence! If you don't feel safe leave! Family or not there is no need to rely or depend on someone who you don't trust! If your not respected you never will be. The secret is to start a new life! Move city and start again! Rather than end up in a court room or dead!

[@lafonizodunlap4299]

I like this dialog better than others

[@leasah1197]

Thank you so much for this!

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome Leasah! I'm so happy the video resonated with you ;)

[@sweetlovingkind352]

Hi Terri! I learn from one of your videos pretty much every day. I watch and rewatch. Thank you. Also, 1 You are so cute with your mic. 2 You have a lovely voice with beautiful speech patterns . You’ve helped me a lot. Thank you

[@KAli-dk6on]

Wow! Thank you! I find your voice so soothing! So much wisdom!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for saying so, Karen! I'm so happy you are here and that the video resonates with you xo

[@MsAndromeda63]

How very motivating. I enjoyed this. I have a better and easier perspective. Thank you Miss. Terri

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for being here, Rose!

[@sunshine-sm6nf]

never ending trauma, all take and no give, draining. Now my Ndaughter diagnosed with 0-1 cancer cells and is having double mastectomy wanting me to call all the time, NMom judging me wanting me to go 3 hours to daughters house and ask if I am cleaning up for her or what am I doing. I simply say I ask Ndaughter to tell me what she needs. All trying to give you a hard time. Anyway no matter what I do it will never be enough, we know that! They definitely bring worst out in me, trying to do grey rock. I feel sorry for her but been thru it with NMom , always in hosp, always surgeries, always something. Trying not to feel guilty but it is sooo hard! I have my share of toxic relatives, Nparents, 2adult Nchildren, Nexhusband.

[@venusallegrayerkovich592]

hi Terri. thanks for awesome video. so to the point. I needed that. bless you.

[@terri_cole]

Thanks Venus! I'm so glad it resonated with you ;)

[@ruthyoung1032]

Was the best thing in this person's life and all of a sudden my hair wasn't the right color, my body wasn't good enough, couldn't say or do anything right. Always being compared to other people in his life. A true energy vampire who actually sleeps like a dead person, on his back, hands crossed over his chest. Very creepy

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing. I'm witnessing you with compassion.

[@christianboukhalil1922]

I really appreciate you and your videos.. Thank you!

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome. Thank you for being here!

[@georgiapascoe1625]

Awesome video! Thank You Terri!

[@brigittajamaer9985]

The harderst I struggle with is that it feels to mee I have to close my heart and got since these experiences a deep anxiety, scared to be hurt so deep again...I am and my partner was open true pure souls believing in the good and trust in the good...i know inside i am still the same and even wiser and stronger but somethings is holding me back now...

[@rachaelraisethevibe]

this video is trippy AF

[@brigittajamaer9985]

Thank you. It hels me to find my healthy assertive self back after being abused by ..government and healthcare in a caring process for my moved one who passed recently away...he was a true pure spul, so extra hard to deal with bow “so called” friends and family who where nevrmer there

[@brigittajamaer9985]

I have to skip them out my life because they exhaust me and as you say it , they only took but never gave...wanted to know us to be able to make them selves better... but now they show their true collors of absence.....an lack of love and care.. it leafs me with a very dirty feeling

[@mariamkinen8036]

Take a hike.......💕💜😄you describe my family. All actions cause a reaction. How come , we should not react? Do--be- doo. Hamlet. I got out of it. It was on-off. You can only take care of your own self. TY. Narc know what they do.

[@sonnymedina7237]

Awesomeness!!!! You are my go to 👊🏼💥

[@terri_cole]

Aw thank you!!!

[@orton46]

I love your videos, they are SO incredibly helpful. There, although, is some kind of static or frequency that makes it so I can’t listen to it very long without having to turn it off. I’m very sensitive to energy and the constant sound of the vibration, frequency, makes it so I can only listen for a minute or two without having to turn it off. I’d LOVE to hear the entire talk. I’ve saved many of your videos thinking maybe it will get better if I do that. Although it doesn’t make a difference, and still can’t listen to it for more than a minute or two.

[@ib1452]

after put some boundries he didn't liked he left, sad little cry baby. i tried everything! i Just want connection And he wants to feed his ego thats discusting

[@checoesparza8879]

My past cheating caused toxicity for my relationship, I want to change for myself and my family shes still with me but I feel her anger daily her belittling, I feel I need deal with it as it was my fault but when where do I draw line? 25 years together kids grown up, the fear us so overwhelming, think I'll go therapy

[@thesoundtrackofself]

Hey Terri! Thank you for informative videos first of all :) My husband and I have been in a toxic cycle since the beginning of our relationship. It has gotten to the point where I decided I want him to move out last year. Now, a year later we are still trying. However I have been in therapy for the past 1 1/2 years, as well as he finally got a spot in therapy just recently (after looking for years for a therapy-slot himself). Therapy has helped me immensely, I am much better at boundary setting and having tools to cope with everything life throws at me. My spouse still struggles and I am with him trying, still here with him, so I am doing my 50 %. .. My question is: how realistic is it to 'override' our toxic relationship patterns with healthy ones, isn't it just healthier to get out of this toxic cycle by leaving, healing and finding a person that actually brings out the best in me at some point? Or how are the chances that him and me will come out better than any other relationship, because we have put in the work to get out of this by working on ourselves individually as well as worked together and found a way out of this toxic cycle, and in a sense, have a feeling of accomplishment when our relationship issues won't be toxic anymore but more so 'regular' relationship struggles?

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry to hear you and your spouse are struggling ❤️ It sounds like you're both doing what you can to get out of this cycle, but only *you* know when it's time to move on and if this relationship is no longer right for you. You get to decide the boundaries for what you will and won't tolerate, and for how long. Maybe think about how much longer you're willing to wait, or what signs of improvement you'd like to see within the next few months. I would encourage you to speak to your therapist about it, too, if you haven't. Or perhaps seek out couple's therapy ❤️

[@robinjohnson8149]

I can't think of any relationship that hasn't been toxic I swear.

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you with compassion.

[@robinjohnson8149]

Terri...thank you for caring about me. It means a lot.

[@aaaaa1759]

Thank you so much !

[@9onia344]

No other close relatives and she raised me such that friends were” bad for me” so I have no support system

[@the_infinity_channel]

I tried all ways with an toxic partner, it all did not change nothing, they just get worst and worst. Cut it on time.

[@ALitheroyalcwc7078ALi]

I agree that self change is better. 💖✨

[@aprilliner9134]

I wish I could break up with my mother. Codependent, probably borderline personality disorder. Can suck the air out of any room. Toxic doesn’t cover it. I am trying to figure out how to change things on my end because it’s making me physically unwell.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ You can try checking out my other video on narcissistic mothers: kzbin.info/www/bejne/nnfVnoqEnsqBlcU

[@mmakeupstar]

I totally agree with this

[@FaithTranghese]

Listening to this video, I'm finding that I may be the toxic person? My partners family has negatively impacted our relationship (there are signs of narcissism and codependency within that family), and when I try to discuss those issues with him and how those behaviors are creating problems for us, he feels hurt, like I'm throwing negative curve balls at him, like he has to walk on eggshells, etc. This whole time I kept believing I was helping him and trying to address issues in our relationship, but now I'm confused... What am I missing here? Thank you!

[@terri_cole]

Faith, It sounds like you talking about your partners family is kicking up some loyalty issues for your partner. I am not sure this makes you toxic, per se. Maybe the way you are communicating your thoughts about his family situation could use some tweaking. Couples therapy could really add value-even just a few sessions. Wishing you the best!

[@FaithTranghese]

Thank you for this advice - we have both mentioned couples therapy, and this suggestion really helps me realize that it will probably be a positive thing for us! Thank you - love your videos.

[@lexicrossland4508]

Me and the guy I’m with, we’ve been together for a while. It started off puppy love and then we actually fell in love.... but we got over the honeymoon fase. We moved in together and then after a couple months the honeymoon fase was over.... and y’all are saying to just cut the toxic person off but the thing is I love him and he’s not the problem. I don’t mean to hurt him and I hate that I do, but I’m the toxic person. I feel like I’m ruining our relationship and I don’t mean to, it’s just became a habit.. so many toxic habits that I don’t know how to stop, I want to because I love him and don’t want to see him hurt. I just feel like it’s because I’ve been hurt in the past and I’m so insecure and I feel like I need him for everything, like I can’t do anything without him and if he says something that I don’t like, even if I know he’s joking I get mad so mad. I stop talking to him, ignoring him, and then he’ll say something like “yeah go ahead and ignore me again” or he’ll just say “okay whatever” or he’ll just turn over and go to sleep and then I’ll burst, I flip out, I say a bunch of stuff I don’t mean and rude stuff to him because I just mad right then and there and I know it hurts him and then after the fights I’ll think back and just think like “I really just hurt him, and he’s got so much going on right now, I need to be there for him but I’m just hurting him and making him feel worthless” and then I want to apologize.... but I can’t I feel like it’s not going to mean anything because I do it over and over again. I just keep doing it. I want to change though. I just don’t know how. I really want to change though. Because not only am I hurting him, I’m hurting myself, I hurt him and I know how he feels, I’ve felt it before, and then it hurts me because I just think to myself like “I know how that sh!* feels, why would I do it to him” and it just sucks. I just want to change.. for us. I’m always telling him when we have heart to hearts... I say “ you don’t deserve this, you do everything I ask of you, you’re beyond an amazing boyfriend, you’re my best friend, I love you but I treat you like shit, you deserve so much more than what I’m giving you, someone else could treat you so much better. You treat me like a queen. You need to be with someone who will treat you like a king right back, and I want to but I don’t know how to change the person I am. I’m sorry,” every single time we have a heart to heart, I say something along those lines, I want him to be happy, even if it’s not with me, and even though it’ll hurt like hell if he leaves to be with someone that makes him happy, I will be so broken but at the same time know that they’ll treat him better than I did, I just wish I could do something now that will change or start a change so I won’t have to loose him, I want to learn to be better, I want to be able to make him happy. He says I make him happy but I know I dont, I can tell from old pictures compared to now pictures, I can tell by the way we talk, the look in his eyes every time I get mad and say negative stuff to put him down. I hurt him so much and I hate myself for. I just want to change before it’s too late and I loose my best friend. I love him. I just need something, something to go off of. Advice? Please

[@rtorres9150]

Lexi Leeann you look like you’re aware of what you doing...if he is not the past...why you bring the past??....if he treat you right and he is been consistent...why you bring the past into your present?...i broke up with my gf last month...and i did no contact...she showed up out of no where a month later...because she missed me and because she knew...even she was veeeeery disrespectful to me and treat me like shit...ive never disrespect her back...but her past...her past made her sooo insecure and jealous that made she gets mad all the time and i get what you saying....she knew that i ve been the only man that PUT HER IN HER GROUND...and let me tell you she gets mad...but she knowss lol....and also...ive given her the best sex ever too... i always tell her: you can disrespect your family your friends your coworkers her mom her dad her kids( she have 3 kids) and the babydaddy is the reason she is like that... BUT SHE CANT NEVER DISRESPECT ME....and she ask why you?....because i know my worth. she gives me silent treatment and ignore me but sometimes she also looove to be sarcastic...soo thats my short story......LEXI you need to let gooo the past if he treat you right...but dont put an excuse that he is not man enough...its you that you neeed to think and say: i have a good man at the end of the day

[@denisekinyon3580]

OMG!!! I feel like I can never say or do the right thing... u can’t have an independent thought or idea... the whole world has got to revolve around him... I feel like giving up and n myself.... there is no hope for me...

[@terri_cole]

I see you Denise. There is always hope and there is always time to make change. You deserve healthy love and you definitely deserve to have your own independent thoughts. I am cheering you on, you can do this.

[@judevucovich7068]

So how do I change my dance steps if he keeps doing the same dance steps? And won’t acknowledge he can’t dance?

[@iremcetinor4856]

what if I am the toxic one?! ooooohhh boy - just realized this Terri!!!! 😳what to do!?!? 😩

[@terri_cole]

I see you 💕 Without more information I can't really say, but by developing awareness around your behavior, you can slowly start to make changes. We can't change what we're not aware of. You may want to unpack this realization with a therapist, if that's accessible to you. Otherwise, if it feels safe to do so, you can journal about what you just realized and what it might mean for you, and some changes you'd like to make in your relationships. You may also want to make amends with some people if necessary.

[@jeffsmith9793]

what a blessing

[@calimiller6143]

What do I do if I feel like I’ve been a toxic girlfriend in my relationship... I don’t want to lose this person and I’ve definitely been toxic. It comes and goes and I don’t know what to do..

[@terri_cole]

You always have the power to change your choices, actions and behaviors. If you think you are the toxic one, you can make new choices. I have a lot of videos here about changing your part of the relationship. I also want to take a moment and recognize you for the bravery of owning your part of the relationship.

[@MsAndromeda63]

Tell me what to do when you have nowhere to turn and have become ill and co-dependent? So demoralizing.

[@9onia344]

My mother.. a true narcissist . Sadly due to multiple operations after years of misdiagnoses I’m now financially dependent on her and she thrives on that control. She has no respect for boundaries I’m just her golden accessory the respected doctor What can I do

[@mystrugglepersonalitydisor3104]

I am a boarderline and very abusive woman and dont want to be

[@terri_cole]

Therapy is the way to go. I am wishing you the best.

[@thehealingroom1111]

So so brave to say that aloud! How are things going?

[@timerunner9164]

And after you make the request to them to not do something disrespectful and they do it again what power do you have then when it's a boss or coworker

[@lisakrushinski9436]

You look beautiful in blue!

[@berniceg.8863]

I have a female boss who insists on turning on my 2 cubicle lights over my desk as well as turns on my monitor and CPU. I even placed the CPU under my desk in a hard to reach place so she must swat down every morning to reach it. As for her, her office door is always locked and I've seen her freak out when it was once left open accidentally by the cleaning people. She turns on her own desk lamps and turns on her Spotify music which is her daily ritual. My being able to turn on my CPU and lights is my morning prep ritual and I feel she doesn't respect my personal space. Am I over reacting? I Don't want to feel her negative vibe at my desk. How can I get her to stop being so intrusive. I work at a large law firm on Wall Street not a mom/pop office. Help!

[@terri_cole]

Thanks for sharing here with us, Mattise. I can totally understand you feeling a space violation with her ritualistically 'starting' your day by turning on things that you should be turning on in the morning. Does she do this to other people, too or just you?

[@kareenafahim5673]

Mattise Shui sounds kokko

[@geraldinecardona3303]

What if your your spouse has just recognized that they are being abusive, manipulative, and controlling and asked for forgiveness and expressed that they want to change, but it's been a month and you have seen no sign of change. How long should you wait? What should you do in the meantime? We have been married for 20 years and have 3 kids.

[@bernicerogers2383]

Geraldine Cardona it's good that your spouse has owned up to his unhealthy ways of relating to you but if he's really serious about changing he needs help from a therapist. He needs to be accountable to someone so that he is not caught in the habit of repeating behaviours. Marriage counselling would be helpful also for a safe place to discuss problems with a professional as a mediator. Best wishes and God bless

[@bernicerogers2383]

Geraldine Cardona if the abuse makes you feel unsafe and worried for your children you would need to leave. There is a video about planning to leave an abusive spouse safely

[@daniellausoro284]

Wot do i do if its my mother, since i depend on her for a lot of things?

[@terri_cole]

Daniella, Since you did not mention your age, it is hard for me to say. If you are over the age of 18 then I would start to focus your energy on becoming independent, in a ways, from your mother. If you are still a minor you might have to wait until you are old enough to move out. Either way, the sooner you do not depend on your mother for ANYTHING, the sooner you will be free. I am sending you strength and courage!

[@shanelunsford5495]

Daniella, I would add it is important for you to take control of your emotional independence. This means accepting that your mom is toxic AND that nothing you do can or will change her. Don't let how she treats you affect how you feel. Also I suggest you look into narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Your mother may be npd and you may be codependent. Love.

[@badriakhavan5666]

You are talking about my mother ...oooooh my god

[@GinaMadrigranoPhD]

would like the link to the cheat sheet please. Thanks for this.

[@vcw6891]

Have known a bunch of toxic sociopaths. They constantly lie about me on fb. Some of them have recruited what I call "flying monkeys ". Complete strangers following me around going out of their way to basically stalk me. Talking loudly around me about the exact issue I am going through. So tragic, these time wasters should put that effort into getting a job. So over it..😁

[@sumuduweerakoon3356]

My boss does that to me..

[@NickyLindolls]

I told my mother that things she says hurt me and upset me. She said she sees that things she says hurt and upset me. Then the next time I saw her she pushed me to the limit so subtlety that I couldn't even be mad at her. So I lashed out at my 7 year old daughter. It was horrible. I looked at her waiting for her to reprimand me, but she was smiling to herself. On Christmas we had a friend over who had moved out of state months ago and she could only stay for one hour. My son really wanted my attention and was very clingy by the time my friend left because I was giving her a lot of my attention. Then I told my son lovingly that I saw how upset he was and how he was very patient in waiting for me. He's 2. My mother then in that moment said after looking at us critically, "he's manipulating you!" That is NOT something a loving mother says to her child in that situation infront of the entire family. Yeah. No thank you. I started typing this in the middle of your vid and was listening in the background. Maybe i'[m not strong enough to dance the dance and to not react. For me no contact or extremely low contact is the only thing keeping me together. I feel utter betrayal. I have a lot of work to do. And for me being around this person is toxic. Therefor I can not do it. Even if I don't react. I still feel the cuts deep down. And for weeks after the encounter I feel sick and I'm angry and depressed and not healthy for my own family. I'm an extremely happy person. I'm optimistic and great full. But I have to stuff that down if I'm around my mother. If I don't she will cut me down. She will say things like "your son is so cute. It's a good thing he's not stupid like his dad". What the actual????? In front of my son, to my face when my loving husband is in the other room (in his office working so hard being brilliant running his own business that bought us a house, so I can stay home with the kids AND send our daughter to private school. Yeah, that dummie!). She always sides with him and talks him up. That was totally out of character and a calculated move to take me down a notch. I'm no longer having any part of that and I will NOT force my children to endure having their boundaries obliterated.

[@terri_cole]

Nicky, Break free from that horrible cycle. Seriously limit contact or go no contact. Save yourself and spare your children. You don't deserve that treatment and if she is really unwell (and it sounds like she is) it will only get worse not better with age. I am sending you so much strength and good energy xo

[@NickyLindolls]

Terri Cole Real Love Revolution thank you sooooo much for the reply. I have been low contact since the fall of last year. October 2016. But I have been resolved to go NO contact from now on. It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that its what I really need to heal. The fog is lifting and I am able to see my whole childhood through new eyes. I really appreciate your echoing my feelings. It helps in realizing how toxic things are around this person. Thank you for all that you do.

[@joannameehan3417]

Niki I completely hear you , and I think your mum and my mum must be twin sisters !! Thankfully my parents live 6hrs away but that doesn't solve things completely with ability of using phones but it does have some positivity of putting some distance in the equation . I have mostly gone very low contact and even then thankful I have a co worker who is in same position as well so I have someone who understands that I can share venting with , but that still doesn't stop me from feeling the deep cut in the tiny amount of time I do have with her . I can't go full no contact yet because my beautiful dad is in a nursing home there , and being so far locations apart it would be a struggle to pay for accommodation rather than my mum's house to see my dad -( altho I am highly considering that option from here on or just not go). I really want him to be able to see his grandkids (my two kids) . Plus im really close with my two sisters who don't (appear ) to have the same experience with her as I do or to the same extreme frustations. I was born with severe health problems and my mother would've made Nazi's proud with her disgust and shame of having an unperfect species. But to not upset my sister's I try to retain the very smallest amount of visits - like once or twice a year - but even that feels like too much Like you , as much as I try to manage my part - the anger and psychology therapy I have to process and console - is just too consuming to be worth it - but at this stage I mainly do so for the sake of my dad , then my sister's . If my dad passes when time decides , I will def no longer be visiting her , and controlling if I take calls from her or not

[@joannajohnson696]

I would like to see a different background for new videos. Also, a link to your checklists would help.

[@terri_cole]

All you need to do is click the link which will take you to the blog and a big button that says, "Download Now" and you will get your wish since I am moving out of my apartment - lol!

[@freelancingbliss]

Cheat sheet link not working. :-(

[@terri_cole]

Should be fixed now. Thanks for the heads up!

[@trishbedford1215]

Hey

[@sharonlee5041]

should I let him know that he is a toxic person?..we fight a lot buh he comes back to me at the end of the day..now we have broke up buh I know he would still text me and might want to come back ..how do I fix it?

[@terri_cole]

You don't have to tell him he's toxic. He would probably disagree and create another fight. Invest in yourself. Give yourself all the love and care that you need. You can't fix another person, only they can do the work on themselves to become healthy. For now, focus on you.

[@Martty_4]

I dumped this 60 yr old women who stayed with her husband for cheating on her. But she was offering me unsolicited advice. I treated her like a mother figure because I was 20 yrs her junior. But she was total crap. I just used the grey rock with her because I feel she might spoil my name if I confront her 😓

[@sarahfoster4437]

My ex thinks he owns me , really creepy, stalking, physical abuse, totally negative. Riddles, parent alienation, mindfucking my daughter.. My current partner swooped in after away from my ex and he acts the same way.his motherhood me tonight " that a woman that knows me and my ex, that if I leave my current partner I will lose my girls. My ex basically screwed my life, I left in 2010, have had six hours a day while my daughter is in school. He thinks that I want to be on " his page" and keeps trying to get close to me. Apparently he has gotten away with all the abuse and jerk moves and abuse towards his children. I thank God I got Sole Custody of my girls.

[@corenejn-charles9894]

😢what about when it’s a child???

[@S.Patierno]

How can parents guide teens in this area when dealing with a parent .. a parent who withholds and controls the entire relationship giving only when they decide or communicating that they can only give if the teen behaves in the way they want ..how can you get through to a teen to set boundaries when sadly they want what little is given ..can it be helpful for the teen to say no eventhough they really want to take the crumbs of love given

[@terri_cole]

Thanks for sharing here with us, Sandra. It is a hard situation but I think the teen has to come to their own conclusions and eventually they will. It is ok to share information with the teen about how to set healthy boundaries and take care of themselves emotionally. It is also normal for a teen to act out and any parent who does not know or understand this - is kind of not doing their job. Narcissists have a tendency to freak out when things (and people) don't go their way. I don't know the situation well enough to weigh in but I am sending you the best energy.

[@mitch201211]

What if it's your child, how do you deal with it then ? Need help please

[@terri_cole]

Michelle, I would involve professional help to get a proper diagnosis or help with strategies on how to interact most productively. Sending you good energy. xo

[@NickyLindolls]

Michelle Brewer I agree with Terri Cole, but I just listened to an interview with Dr George Simon and he said he has a strategy that can help those with character flaws... he's also working on a book that deals with addressing character flaws and some of it is about children too. I think that's what he calls it, Character flaws...??. He said in the interview that the book would be out later this summer. He wrote "In sheep's clothing" and a bunch of other books. He also trains clinicians in how to help people with narcissistic tendencies. Maybe some of his interviews can shed some light. Keep searching keep watching videos. There is a very big spectrum of toxicity. Some times its cptsd that looks like Narcissism, or cptsd can turn into Narcissism too. But some people (according to Dr George Simon) lack something that makes them have a mean manipulative personality.

[@mitch201211]

Terri Cole Real Love Revolution , hi Terri I have been to meany professionals with her , she even spent some mouths in the Priory , she has been diagnosed anti-social personality disorder when she was 14 , and the children and family adolescence until diagnosed with autism psychosis bipolar , but she was to difficult to treats as she really didn't work with them , I have tryed meay things to work with the team's that was working with her and not to mention cancelling I got for her but she didn't respond within that as she just said things that was un true, and tall story like things , she found herself off from mental health when she was 18 years she's been very very violent mind games manipulation physical mental abuse to me some believable , I had to get her removed from my house, but I still love her , she is my daughter after all but I really don't know if it's possible to have a relationship with her anymore,

[@findfaith1480]

Nicky Lin A full blown Narc is beyond the scope of current medical therapies. sadly no one can fix them.

[@ManypossibilitiesGaoLY]

Leave the relationship with your man if he is an intimacy avoidance because that's when all things start. He will only starve you and feed you enough of the little bread crumbs to keep you wanting more, that is total controlling.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing.

[@drubio707]

This was more how to identify but the video doesn't fit the title of the video

[@mystrugglepersonalitydisor3104]

Help me

[@oopsidazy143]

🙏🏾🦋🙏🏾💗

[@99ize18]

0, 59 "I'm the founder of ....... And that explains ....... immediate bullshit meter reading.

[@siffis100]

You spent way too much time describing the water I am drowning in. How do I fix it was the question.

[@madoramadora1903]

What if you get pregnant for this person and don't to get rid of it coz of your christian principles?

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you. Boundaries are going to be very important for you, your well being, and the well being of your child. As the mother, you have the right to set what's best for you and for your baby.

[@madoramadora1903]

@@terri_cole Thanks so much. It won't be easy coz I still love him somuch despite his flaws, but will try my best

[@kenw1111111111]

I love your opening argument from authority fallacy that you’re a relationship expert and a licensed psych therapist, which to you means you know what your talking about and this we should listen and obey. Do you know what part of the video resonated most with me? No, I’ll tell you. Your claim that quote you are 50% of the toxic relationship. Tell me doc what 50 percent am I? 50% toxic, victim, enabler... or am I a mixed culmination of all conceivable possibilities? When you make such a claim without clarifying what you mean you leave the door wide open to interpretation by the viewer. In my eyes this is no better than a narcissistic con job to convince people they need to keep watching your channel so you can profit rather than actually helping them. I have been a victim of not only a toxic but an narcissistic gaslighting relationship for 5 years not to mention my likely abusive childhood which only served as a tool to help The aforementioned relationship locate and suck me dry physically and emotionally, it was only through a therapist that I even learn what was going on. Here I am trying to find information on yet another potential toxic relationship but one with someone who I fear was herself a victim of abuse and a toxic childhood and past relationships that I love and do not wish to end the relationship, and am damn determined to save it if possible. Yet here watching your video I feel he only thing I have learned is how anyone even a person who claims to be a relationship expert is performing little more than lip service likely in hopes of filling there pockets with more money. Help us who genuinely seek help, because the reason we’re watching your video is because we want help, and some of us might not be able to pay hundreds of dollars an hour for lip service.

[@HelenLange-up1pz]

Yes, you've improved this aspect, now do your nails, then...

[@carolgerber6375]

All of these videos say the same thing. Give us some real life examples not extremes!

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