How to set Boundaries around Needy Energies, and Others Pulling on You

[@creatormom123]

Yesss I have experienced this! I know what u mean about putting up the wall building even more resistance

[@mitaganguly3948]

God I hear you loud and clear...my mom makes my fav dishes when I visit but acts so condescending when I actually sit and try to talk about anything in my life with her. All her comments are about how I could go about being a better mom, wife etc etc...how to hold my life together etc etc....im 60 and she's 85 btw😂 but it's always been like this so now I'm elderly I still act like the chastized kid trying to please her while she acts like the dowager experienced parent telling me what to do 😮. My stomach cringes when I see her stately shuffling towards me...then comes the tsunami of mixed emotions, confusion affection guilt frustration...my stomach bricks up bc now I'm getting older and can't numb my emotions much either. It's my stomach and I have IBS so that doesn't help that. Tension grips when we talk. Patterns of life. Nowadays I purposely slow to a snails pace when I see or talk to her which resets my nerves in a strange way and relaxes me somewhat.😅. I also just ignore us both. Helps. Oh well...

[@lucylight176]

Yes. The stately way she shuffles towards you while your stomach cringes, the rush of impossible emotion. It IS them, not us though isnt it. Mindfulness. We are saving our inner child 🙏 I am 54 now, she is 84😗

[@jadeweissleader4008]

My mom is dead, we had a hard time, now im 46 and without her here. I'd give a lot to hear her criticisms 💚💚💚

[@lucylight176]

@@jadeweissleader4008 🙏xx

[@youfindingyou]

I kept meaning to reply back to your message. I hear ya. 3 years ago I put up boundaries with my mom. I no longer just did want she desperately needed from me, it was the hardest thing I've done. And I knew the whole time she thought I hated her. Now we are on better talking terms and I have the boundaries up and still don't do all that she needs of me. So, beyond doing that, I'd ask how much do you want this interaction in your life? Does it feed you or drain you? Could you limit how much time you have with her? If you're saying "nope" I couldn't do that, what's behind your nope? Again, I know it's the toughest relationships to manage for sure. ❤

[@lucylight176]

What do you suggest for a narcisstic parent who mixes being dramatically 'loving' with ignoring you when you express yourself. I am long adult now but I find this rude turning away of the head when I talk (express myself) so incredibly infuriating it's hard to cope with the rage feelings and bodily symptoms. I continue to do much self work but listening to your tips I wonder if I can work them in for this as well. I feel I have given precious energy out of sudden trust with my mother and that she has just grabbed it and stuffed it into herself with no kindness and acknowledgement.I feel tricked and robbed.

[@mitaganguly3948]

Read my above comment ....I can so identify😂😂. At least yours looks away....you should see the scathing looks mine gives me....I feel like a peice of ykw(you know what) but then she goes and makes my fave food etc...dont know what to make of it. I actually burnt my dress while ironing it bc she was standing at the doorway watching me iron in a most distrusting way. Catered to her idea of me. Was younger but it's an uphill battle with lots of scars. It's all she's been exposed to herself I guess. Cringed and cringed before but now that I'm older just ignore us both and if I start to cringe slow down i.e. start moving or reacting in slow mo which resets my mindfulness back to myself and I just barely react anymore. Try running your fingers through your hair slowly when frustration arises. That helped me connect with myself in a innocent way and contact with your own scalp may also ground you. Don't tear your hair out tough...😅. Also lowered expectations to zero. Take our talks at such face value. Now our talks have little energy but quiet and mellower. I've learnt how much I can expect and what I cant from her. My neediness will have to find another source. Peace😊.

[@lucylight176]

@@mitaganguly3948 Yes! Thank you -we have the same mother!!! Yes, mine does a horrible little smug dismissive smile when she looks away when I'm talking, then will give me things to take away with me..shower me with snacks etc... so I feel guilty and confused. Worst is the anger. Good ideas, I'm seeing her tonight and no doubt will go through this, I will run my fingers through my hair and ground. I am learning to give up on her emotionally and make my own rightful connection with my Inner Being/the Spiritual essence of life -whatever we may call it, and good friends. Trying to challenge her unlocks a whole bag of her worst, and there is no explaining it to her, it is expertly tuned back on me. No justice for me that way and I am coming to terms with that. Peace ☺

[@lucylight176]

@@mitaganguly3948 Hi, I did a reply but it can't have posted. We have v similar. The ice-ignoring then the over-giving. The absolute take-over of reality.The entitled stateliness and the victim guilting. I like your suggestion of mindfulness in the midst of it. I'm going to try it, together with the psychic shielding suggested on the video. We are getting there x

[@JPcommunicates]

You might reflect on how do you actually talk to others. Your tone sounds like you just perceiving yourself as a victim without being wanting to know why your parent act a certain way. That is basically the same kind of behaviour complain about the parent. People get listen to when they start to listen to themselves and others. Blaming and shaming doesn't lead to a healthy relationship. And calling someone narcissistic who reacts emotionally is toxic as well.

[@lucylight176]

@@JPcommunicates Believe me, that isn't what I was doing at all. I take full responsibility for self work. I was referencing extreme narcissistic abuse and childhood trauma. Continued behaviours. I was genuinely asking for tips on coping with that kind of continued treatment that is extremely triggering when already working on inner child. It was perhaps not the arena for that question. Believe me also, I have assertively raised these points with my mother and the as my therapist pointed out, she is not well and so is in aggressive denial of admitting or discussing anything. So it is an ongoing problem. A shame this came across wrong. Ps I did respond with love and respect to the lady who lost her mother but my comments are not uploading here v well. Also I was really relating warmly to the lady who related to my experience. Never mind. Phaps I came from much anger that day, much had happened along these lines, hence my genuine searching and honest expression. Crossed wires with others, obviously/

[@JPcommunicates]

What is the meaning of that? Setting boundaries means communicating yourself clearly to others by telling what you can and can't do. Who doesn't do that doesn't set boundaries. Boundaries serve the person who set it and all the others around. Being needy is something natural because without other people's needs nobody would perceive themselves as someone with a purpose.

[@youfindingyou]

I hear ya. In this case I'm talking about a desperation in needing to have it, versus what you're saying of having needs. Yes, I agree we all have needs, but there are those, which I was one where I needed other to fulfill my needs in a desperate, "I need you to fulfill them 24/7" kind of way. Like I needed someone to show me that I was accepted, and I'd never get that feeling fulfilled in me from others because I didn't have acceptance in myself first.