How to speak up when you feel like you can’t | Adam Galinsky | TEDxNewYork

We all experience moments when it's hard to speak up - whether it's at work, in our relationships, or out in a public with a stranger. Business psychologist Adam Galinsky shows research and shares helpful tips on how to find your voice when it matters most, and to advocate for others who need it.
Adam Galinsky is the chair of the management department at Columbia Business School. He thinks deeply about how we work with and against one another to achieve our goals.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

[@ChristinaAaliyah]

Loved his talk! Summary I made for myself: We are fearful of speaking up because we feel we lack power. Ways we can gain power is being an advocate for others, seeking advice for our accomplishments, having allies and having evidence on a topic/passion.

[@SPARQLyArash]

bullet-points from this excellent talk (on how to expand your range of acceptable behavior): - take perspective - signal flexibility - gain allies - ask others for advice - display expertise - show passion

[@linainversefan]

"Excellent" is a bit of a stretch. It was alright, but far from excellent.

[@davidj6095]

include - advocate for others

[@jameswhitleyart]

Presentation Notes and time stamps: We each have a range of acceptable behavior: Your power determines your range. 3:50 When we have lots of power we have wide range but when lack of power range is narrow. 4:25 Gender Double bind 4:45 Gender double bind is really a low power double bind Expand your range by (1) seeming powerful in your own eyes and (2) when you seem powerful in the eyes of others. --- 6:10 Advocate for others - "The mama bear effect" --- 7:00 Advocate for self - “Perspective Taking” --- 9:20 Signal Flexibility - Be assertive but still likable - Give options. --- 10:20 Get allies (via mama bear effect or…) --- 10:40 Ask for advice (solves self-promotion double bind) --- 11:50 Display expertise (makes us feel more comfortable speaking up / expands our range/power)((Show Passion)) When we tap into our passion, we give ourselves the confidence in our own eyes to speak up, but we also give others permission to do the same.

[@christy6001]

Ty

[@patriciakuzmicz4456]

Unfortunately, many get dismissive and unsupportive when they see this fire & light in you. They get envious and want you to stoop to their level...thank you so much for this wonderful speech!!

[@rustinstardust2094]

I try to take this as a sign that the person is too insecure and will only be toxic toward me. Avoid 😱

[@skylerbelle3407]

Work off their energy and when you begin to see that envy become more humble and weak lol (but have the same amount of passion)

[@hafsanuhhussein892]

@@rustinstardust2094 01

[@embodiedauthenticity]

Powerful! I feel it helps to look at the perspective that we are speaking up for ourselves not only to get something in the outside world, but also for ourselves to be true to ourselves and authentic. Meaning that if we say something and then we get turned down at least we didn't turn ourselves down by not even standing up for ourselves.. So, by speaking up for ourselves we say say YES to ourselves no matter what the outcome will be.

[@TheThebluepen87]

I didn't think that someone would answer such a question, don't know why It is a big problem in my life now and he answered it excellently!! Thank you very much

[@MonicaSancio]

When you use these tools, you expand your range of acceptable behavior & your days will be mostly JOYFUL! Thank you, Adam, great talk! Cheers!

[@jamshedanwar3709]

Seek advice from others humbly, expand your boundaries etc. are the statements spoken by you are really good to come strangers from their comfort zone and to be recognized

[@taylorsaunaturel9312]

oh my gosh this is so true I can advocate for others but not for myself.

[@sandye5518]

Excellent! I have a friend and colleague who personify everything you said. It truly works! And I love her!

[@miriamcassar5125]

Thank you Adam. Great talk and valuable advice.

[@Karinkarate]

Power packed talk. Just what I needed ! Love your dad's speach. Thank you

[@DanielPSurman]

This is a great speech on negotiating. A few takeaways.

[@arunkumarsrinivasaiah454]

Wow amazing, One of the best talks!

[@maijawickstrom8425]

The range of acceptability includes the expectations of people, who think it is their job to keep you inside their perceived range of acceptability, while being extremely contradictionary to their own claimed range and dismissing your testimony, silencing your voice and punishing you, by sabotaging your life with theft, lies and deception. While claiming that justice has been served and exalt themselves as the fulfiller of justice by the ordination of torment for something you did not do, longer than the civil laws would have convicted you for the alleged crime, never admitting they made a mistake. But punishing you further for their unreasonability, not bowing down to their false reality construct.

[@michele5695]

Maija Wickstrom spot on!

[@erinthesystem9608]

Just the first lines there said it all. I am totally confident in my own abilities- but that doesn't mean jack if you've already set in stone the niche into which I'll be crammed forever. People are superficial, and it can be devastating when they cling to their own low expectations, rather than "risk" seeing what you are quite capable of easily doing.

[@sharonfaulkner120]

Spot on.

[@shewitabraham563]

Such a great speech. Thank you.

[@juwitajunit4250]

I finally got the explanation. Thank you for the great talk and content!

[@tkh1001]

Dude explaining speech like chemistry

[@cjm537]

Excellent & Insightful :) Thank you so much for sharing Adam!

[@nataliederzakharian4950]

This talk was very informative and gave me great tools and confirmed what I wondered about as correct choices in using my range in different situations. Thank you. I will keep this talk to revisit over & over. Perfect!

[@HeyImSupercoo]

When i sit in class and people are having a fun conversation i just sit in silence

[@lisahill2355]

Me too

[@eduardomaciel9855]

did you hear twenty one pilots? car radio and the i just sit in silence joke

[@HoshikawaHikari]

Rogue I stayed quiet for 10 years of school. I only opened up to everyone last year, my second last year of high school.

[@hmmm1543]

@@HoshikawaHikari that was probably hard to do.

[@HoshikawaHikari]

@@hmmm1543 Maybe, but now I understand why my classmates are so noisy.

[@nheme87]

I was told by a former coworker from my former workplace that I was hands down the most likable guy they ever had working there. Makes some sense now as I often asked people about advice about everything.. Where to get my car fixed, what to make for dinner, how to pack for traveling, what to do if this and that was leaking etc.

[@rustinstardust2094]

I ask people's advice often...but they seem to take this as me being weak and timid. And then they become arrogant and start giving me unsolicited advice anytime I open my mouth. I'm wondering what I'm doing which is different from your approach...

[@workfromanywhere707]

@@rustinstardust2094 i feel that is So hard to find true friendship. People often make frindship with whom they believe can offer them something.

[@palladium607]

@@rustinstardust2094 I have the same exact problem and it's given me an inferiority complex. I hate it.

[@rustinstardust2094]

@@palladium607 I've since stopped asking others for advice unless I absolutely have to or know for sure they're a good authority on the subject. And yes - that inferiority complex! I try to remind myself often that they do this because they're insecure, and I shouldn't let myself become insecure because of them.

[@SK-ik8hn]

This is a great speech!

[@nikitagiri1111]

Simply WOW!!

[@tonimcginley1888]

Excellent Talk

[@alibeaumont-filder3185]

So brilliantly true .... thank you .. outlining the truth .. powerful, poignant . Caring lessons to enlightenment 😘

[@fikaimu]

This talk is very informative, but I need to specify, organize refine my own opinion in general at first hand so that I can speak up for something.

[@zeultimo]

I think that there were too many Jargons in this content filled, useful talk

[@zzulm]

You simplified power dynamics very well thank you

[@hekelrocha6709]

The perception of value that your image reflects in another would be the first impact that increases its power.

[@AK-mj1er]

Great talk!

[@nicolanimo8014]

This is one of the best ones I’ve heard in a while.

[@therisingtide651]

Timing is everything

[@kati9116]

Thats good to read there are so much people in the world who feel the same way like I do

[@spadecheck8874]

I'm too nice sometimes!

[@DonDadaDeeski]

That was awesome!!!

[@Krtwells]

Very good! Makes sense!

[@precious..1111]

Thank you 💗

[@deebadubbie]

Great insights!

[@letochato4429]

Loved it! Thanks.

[@loueckert4970]

Great insight--thanks!

[@tharunjain9683]

Lou Eckert But I have still not figured out

[@seymills]

thank you !! :)

[@babiryemercy3327]

O this was great and enlightening, needed it!!!! Thank you so much!!!!! 😊

[@lukaswhy7387]

This is probably very much true, but also very much sad in the sense that it limits human realationships to such a mechanistic level. There is love beside this, don't oversee it.

[@mediafirmrelationpublising3921]

great perspective thank you

[@marcellesmit4510]

Great!

[@rodneysaito7924]

Takeaway: It's all about perspective.

[@imweird8944]

I don’t know how to find comfort in things that are good for me

[@rbaleksandar]

I did the E-test correct (wrote the mirrored one with my finger on the forehead). Will I get a cookie? Anyone? Please... Joke aside - great speech. Learned a lot.

[@Steveleecomedy]

I wished I knew abt this long time ago.

[@jayfernandez7382]

Discrimination is also a form of retaliation

[@user-tf7nb2ju1x]

I destroyed the most amazing relationship with an amazing person because its difficult for me to speak up

[@francosci4514]

Share what you feel with her/him be honest and tell how much this person matters to you

[@raj5999]

@@francosci4514 you know when we tells them we like them much What they do? Surely they will feel good, appreciate all this - and then they again forget this, and now this next time they even become disappear more than previous time, it's kind of game for them I have someone , i love to talk to them, i said many times, next day they are again same or even more worse I seriously hate these games, can't just two person have some quality time in life! I'm seriously tired with these kind of personalities

[@francosci4514]

@@raj5999 idk what to say. I'm sure you will find the kind of relationship you deserve.

[@user-tf7nb2ju1x]

@@francosci4514 i did.. I was afraid because of his reactions sometimes but we are so good! Now we communicate much better and everything goes really good

[@sweetshay6172]

Great talk

[@joshuacortes7963]

My motivation I AM SPEED

[@blackfen1x]

Полезно, спасибо за перевод

[@TheeBlackSilhouette]

Conformist yields conformist Rebels yield rebels You have to change into a into a rebel but that is kinda hard not only because of your parents but just because you will get ridiculed into submission

[@salmahmohamed6048]

Great talk! :) :)

[@ufukbakr8850]

Be a ferocious mama bear, and a humble advice seeker. Have excellent evidence and strong allies. Be a passionate perspective taker.

[@reflexreaction3797]

Blah

[@Smonovc]

very good

[@otttamara]

Are they any articles published on that subject yet?

[@alihenderson2133]

This was one of the most interesting and insightful talks I have ever seen. I really loved how it tapped into the perspectives of sociology and talked about sexism and used the ideas of Marxism to explain the behaviour of women in a certain situation. Then used this perpective for how we can speak up. I will defently being watching the again, Thank you.

[@motivationalfrequency6850]

Deep ..

[@kidneutron]

R.I.P to your father 🤧💯

[@lobintool]

How did you get that jacket made? Obviously a bespoke creation and a wonderful one!

[@UpperCaseX]

he dyed and stitched a picnic blanket

[@QueenYak]

Yes, it's beautiful!

[@JuanchiV]

Great piece of advice, thank you sir

[@funilyily]

This is the video I need for my life (I’m shy)

[@cheyenneheka]

Y You

[@fokkenhotz1]

i'm sorry but to have your senario's work , you must have at least one person for support. i notice you have a brother and family. thats very nice. good luck all

[@on7134]

Крутой мужик

[@maha_sage]

No. This talk discounts real and actual problems speaking up . It just skims through. And some pitfalls are missed. For example, I suffered from being humble in office. It doesn't work when a woman is humble before a man. Some f these things are not addressed and they are in fact complex.

[@user-ur9bv6wi2j]

Great

[@paulmitchell5349]

Speak up on behalf of the powerless, then your conscience will be clear.

[@INAVACL]

What can I do if I feel like when I listen to someone's passion I just don't care and feel like I don't want to listen to them?

[@tinas8787]

Just be honest: Sorry I am not interested. And leave. I have to concentrate on my own life.

[@LinYouToo]

Neo Chen when there is a pause in there talking say this: “ what I hear you saying is that you really care a lot about ____ and you’re really passionate about _____.” Then give it to a new topic or talk about something you’re passionate about. I have found the best way to get out of one of these discussions is to acknowledge what they have told you with sincerity and then move along.

[@utsavdhyani8839]

Why does he sounds like Arthur Fleck aka Joker?

[@beneath.the.rosesluciddrea8470]

Looking for a way to talk about my suicidal thoughts to my family or maybe a counselor instead...but I just cant seem to speak up. It's getting worse though and I need and WANT to end the silence.

[@Waywardmountain]

beneath.the.roses Lucid Dream Journal all it takes is one moment of bravery and then the rest will follow xo

[@zp7741]

I'm the 1000th like!

[@alexianeves]

That profile you have till this day, my dad and I make fun of each other using that face lol!!

[@tinabeana4495]

He sort of sounds like Olaf to me!

[@wade5941]

Given the censorship being launched on certain voices today, this is still valid.

[@rudylabsilica2286]

Something about his speech bothers me; first, I couldn’t help but feel he’s dismissing the problem women have about speaking up and being assertive and second, it seems that what he’s advising is be altruistic and seek other’s help and approval to be able to say what needs to be said, which is contradictory. Being able to speak on your behalf should be based on your confidence in your expertise and experience and to be strong in your stance. Wether you get rejected or not is beside the point, at least you spoke up.

[@rovworkshop2937]

i think you misunderstood his stand. first is that he does not dismiss the problem but say women problem is boiling down to Low power perspective. As people see woman as less powerful or women see themselves as less powerful. Second, he doesn't advising about you need to get people approval to speak up. In your example, even though you spoke up, you wouldn't achieve anything beside satisfying you own self pride. the reason why people want to speak up is to change someone point of view, to change something. Hence, using the tool he suggest, people would give you more power and willingly to accept your point of view or advise. Hence, he might have been come across as you have to seek people approval to speak something. but it boiling down to if people to accept your stand, your offer or just rejected it and you would better say nothing at all.

[@rudylabsilica2286]

rov workshop ; but that’s exactly the point though. Wether your opinion is accepted or rejected, at least you spoke up. Isn’t that the reason of standing up for yourself, to be assertive of your point of view and be confident enough to back up on it? You have to be assertive, male or female, and believe that you have as the right as the other person, regardless of status or power or position.

[@betsybccclt]

Totally agree, he is way to dismissive of the problems women face when trying to be assertive. Nothing he said is going to change the sexist attitude's that others will impose on you and change how powerful you seem in their eyes and expand your acceptable range. He assumes that because we expand our own range when we advocate for others that makes the difference, but I think that it's actually an expansion in others' eyes that happens when women advocate for others, because it's what's socially expected and socially acceptable behavior for women. So other's acceptance of this type of behavior from women is what expands your range in that scenario.

[@rachidlasfar9653]

At work place it works especially when u deal with people who have a higher position or power, in business it help for sure. Its all about to know with who u are dealing with and prepare ur self to satisfy his needs if u really care to get urs from him

[@landonschertz2325]

You sound biased since you obviously took offense to his evidence-based conclusion that what people erroneously write off as gender bias has to do with personality characteristics. Enjoy your faux-chauvinism

[@jasminereyes8366]

Is it just me or does he sound like Lin Manuel Miranda? Anybody?

[@nazirkazi2588]

I love "world insight" from people who begin by stating they've dropped another kid into this world.

[@viethoang2280]

Đây là comment mà các bạn có thể phản hồi và tương tác.

[@LinYouToo]

Interesting points however I don’t agree with his assessment about the differences between men and women and the power differential which results either going unnoticed or rejected. As long as we live in a patriarchal society we will always experience sexism and double standards. I have been fortunate to work for some of the most incredible and enlightened male bosses ever. I’ve also worked for some who were small and dismissive. On the one hand we have to be self-aware as to how we are coming across when we speak up. Assuming we have done the work to make sure we are to the point, respectful, open, intentional, etc. then how we are received or perceived really is on the other person. Many people are too insecure to handle people speaking up especially a woman speaking up with assertiveness. While others are open and accommodating and genuinely interested. There is no doubt that women are held to a very different standard which is not comprehended in this talk.

[@DelphineduToit]

This man's examples are so full of unconscious sexist bias, as he puts forward his arguments that I'm unfortunately finding it not of any use in referring it to my clients.

[@hybridgoth]

I agree with you that the speaker showed a sexist bias that either will or could very well be considered offensive by those who percieve such, as I did personally, but "this man" could also be considered unconscious sexism... The fact he is or identifies as a man is of no consequence to the apparency that his argument is inaccurately concieved from a biased perspective. While I agree, the speaker is a sexist fungus, it doesn't help to formulate a centred reply mirroring such actions that you recuse. May you feel as free to voice your opinion as I am to choose to find offense in carelessly considered self-sabotaging statements.

[@ladybubbl3x]

My biggest fear: Not completing my BS program in Psychology @ Loyola University

[@gobears6487]

For me this is an easy answer. If you believe you can do it you can. It’s all in your perspective. If you doubt yourself why? Have you done this before? So if not, why do you think you might fail? I might be a pot talking to a kettle, because I find self confidence very difficult... but I’m telling you YOU CAN. You just need to believe that yourself. Good luck!

[@TheKronnos]

:(

[@manuelt2502]

self confidence? or you want to please society ?

[@curiousgeorge555]

8:45 , am I the only one who finds the bank robbery story far-fetched? What bank robber is going to walk back with the manager and fill out papers? Their handwriting will be on record and the police have time to come arrest him. I trust that this guy isn't lying but is the story true?

[@petiemelisse1504]

I don't know, it seems a bit complicated and cynical

[@user-wm5rv4vs6k]

How you crying

[@enoonmai5071]

"women who speaks up get punished" wew... 🖖🤪😂

[@murnimohammad977]

Talking is easy. Doing it in real life is difficult.

[@tabathastaples7884]

Shepherd's Chapel Network !!!!!!! Pastor Murray is an Anointed Servant of GOD who teaches the Word of GOD with Authority!!!!!!!

[@voxeledphoton]

help I can't stop pressing 2 X''''D

[@voxeledphoton]

oh no... press 2 and 6 x....x 9:01 3:00

[@reflexreaction3797]

Waz this about?

[@dazzassti]

The word is advocate with a "D" ;-)

[@nelliharshita469]

But it sounded cool.."aVocate" ;P

[@joshuasanchez5814]

Jesus loves you

[@manuelt2502]

probably it has a diplomatic reason to not speaking up. aber wenns sein muss dann sag was sache ist. kann dir ja scheissegal sein was der andere denkt, du bist ja nicht wegen seinen gefühlen dort wo du bist sondern vermutlich wegen einer dienstleistung und die verdammte dienstleistung sollte verdammt nochmal gut sein.

[@goliathbroodia942]

Sucks to be twitch.

[@kunalsingh1944]

Was I the only one who thought he low-key look similar to RDJ .....just lacks hair....

[@downbntout]

He sounds like a young Bill Gates