How to Support Someone During an Autistic Meltdown | AUTISM IN GIRLS

I'm Olivia Hops and in this week's video I talk about how you can support a loved one during an Autistic Meltdown.
I give you 10 tips on how to help your loved one who is experiencing a meltdown get through their meltdown and how to help them recover from a meltdown.
I also go over the difference between Empathy vs. Sympathy. During a meltdown, show your Autistic loved one EMPATHY, not SYMPATHY.
***Check out the awesome Empathy vs. Sympathy animated short I talk about in this video by Dr. Brené Brown here: • Brené Brown on Empathy...
Please keep in mind that these tips are based off of what works for me personally as an Autistic adult and when I was an undiagnosed Autistic child/teen. No two Autistic people are the same, so just because these tips work for me, they may not work for your loved one.
----Check out my in-depth video about Autistic Meltdowns HERE: • Autistic Meltdowns in ...
----Check out my Autism Recovery Tips video HERE: • Autistic Meltdown Reco...
Thank you guys as always for showing me such love and support! It means the world to me! 💙
Instagram: @OliviaHops
Small Business: www.UnbakedBar.com (coupon AUTISM for 20% off!)
#ActuallyAutistic #AutisticMeltdown #OliviaHops

[@Feminazi1dc]

I was having a meltdown /exestential crisis last night and my boyfriend just looked at me and said "are you gonna be okay?" And it legit made me cry just to know that he cares enough to ask something like that. I know he does but growing up with people who just.. never show any kind of empathy at all. It can be literally shocking when people actually care

[@elisabethopp1]

If your child is having a meltdown, it is so important not to punish them. I am 13 years old and have not been diagnosed yet, but may be autistic, and during meltdowns my parents will punish me by taking my phone or even not allowing me to go to gymnastics practice, and that does not help. It makes the matter so much worse. We need support not consequences.

[@ash_and_lavender]

I’m sorry they do that💗 you’re right, punishment wont help. most likely it will just make you feel unsafe to be vulnerable with them

[@rrmother3748]

@Elizabeth Oppenheimer - that does not sound good for anyone. I’m sorry. I’m betting that your parents are confused and don’t understand what’s happening when you meltdown. Have you sent them a link to Olivia’s channel, and explained why you think her videos are helpful? That’s what I would try. Sending you warm mama hugs from here…

[@elisabethopp1]

@@rrmother3748 Yeah, I think they are confused. When I was 7 they got me tested for oppositional defiant disorder, because that is what they believed the meltdowns were. They treated it like tantrums, but they are different things. I actually haven't had a meltdown in a little while because I'm on a mood stabilizer that helps, but the last one I had, a couple months ago, they kept on giving more and more consequences and nothing worked because I couldn't calm down. They really are loving with good intentions, but just don't understand. I've told my mom about Olivia and Paige Layle, too, and my mom watched a couple of videos, but I will actually send her the link to this. I think she'd be really understanding. My dad, maybe less so, as he doesn't trust the Internet.

[@siennaprice1351]

@@elisabethopp1 wow. I can relate to this. It can really cause PTSD. Not only do I have autism, but I have a physical disability. And I’d get crap if I ran into things, dropped things, or spilled things. I’d also be punished for meltdowns. And if I was harming myself, I got the whole treatment of, “here. Let me do that for you.” And they would do what I was doing to myself to me. Whether it be hitting myself in the head, stomping on my feet, or beating my head against the wall. Usually those forms of self harm were a cry out for help. Luckely, I’m in a better environment now, and I get more help than I get harm. I hope the same goes for you.

[@reneedwards1082]

I was 💯 the same from early, when going through my teens was hugely difficult, very abusive strict dad and unavailable mum, I was told at school I was different and "special" which was even worse... thinking and praying for u, people will never fully get it or get us!!! Woman of the Cloth

[@SunscreenAndVitamins]

I've never had anyone handle any of my meltdowns in a responsible or empathetic manner.

[@meganclaridge2235]

Me neither 🌸 sending empathy 🌸

[@TinyNerdlette]

Same. They either yell or like I'm hitting them cuz I had big feelings around them. Making me feel like a monster no matter how it's done DOES NOT HELP A GD THING

[@AndysAutismLifeStory]

Meltdowns scare me. I have autism. Lose control over my body, actions, thoughts, and words is so scary.

[@trinaq]

Thank you so much for your tips, Olivia. I watched Sia's problematic film "Music" recently, and when they suggested that the best way to help an autistic person having a meltdown was to forcibly restrain them by "crushing them with love", I was horrified. This would not only leave them physically traumatised, but mentally as well.

[@franovak2654]

It sounds like a derivative of the old Bettelheim-like theory according to which autism is a result of the lack of mother's/parent's warmth and love.

[@Dimensionalalteration]

A lot of people were absolutely appalled by that and thankfully so.We are human beings in crisis mode and reactive mode during a meltdown ,we are not a big ,aggressive, wild animal like a T-Rex but that's basically what they paint us as

[@millsfamily7602]

Omg. If someone tried to hold me down my brain would shatter and either I'd freeze up unable to talk and move but I also think I might go into attack mode

[@srldwg]

@@millsfamily7602 Thank you for saying this. I used to go into attack mode (during a meltdown) when physically touched, pushed forward, or pulled up. I thought that I was a terrible person for reacting that way.

[@MaryanaMaskar]

This is off topic, but your hair styling is improving in leaps and bounds! I know that it's something you're working on, so I wanted to let you know that your efforts are really paying off (from an outsider's perspective)! This is very impressive for me, because I struggle a lot with personal grooming, and seeing you succeeding is really important. Much love ❤️

[@slowerlifeonpurpose]

Others have problems with this- it’s one of those moments for me. “Oh! I’m not alone in this, I finally found my tribe” (My tribe of folks learning how to do the things.)

[@sportsmedia25]

I love her hair

[@riitaalin]

Grandparent here an old Boomer at that. I'm going thru the 2nd generation of what I suspected in my son. My Only grandson was diagnosed this past winter when he was only 7 yrs old. Your videos are a big help in confirming my actions with both my Son long long ago & my Grandson. Thank for teaching all of us. This round seems to be easier now since it was confirmed for my g/son. 😁

[@Dimensionalalteration]

I'm autistic and most of my kids are too ,I think that it's genetic, it's just how our brains are wired.Perhaps you or your sons other parent have it too.

[@ilovecheese8066]

Thank you for this My best friend has been seeking a diagnosis and I’ve been helping him with this since his parents don’t believe he might have autism. I witnessed their meltdown for the first time and his parents were also in the room, it was at a wedding party. It was very loud and there were bright colors every where. He didn’t have his headphones either so it could kinda mute it His parents asked a lot of questions and that kinda made them even more upset and his parents weren’t taking him seriously. I did my best and just simply asked him, “Wanna go inside?” He nodded and we walked together I took him into the bathroom since it was the quietest place in the house and I stayed outside behind the door. I waited until he calmed down, I remember he told me once that when he has meltdowns he can’t physically speak. I had my mini bag and remembered I had his notebook so after I heard him calming down I wrote in his notebook if it was okay to come in, I slid it under the door. He said wrote yes and slid it back to me So I knocked quietly as in im coming in and he was in the corner, I closed the door and sat down right next to the door, keeping my distance. He then started kinda explaining to me in his notebook what made him upset, though he couldn’t really explain but I understood I wrote down in the notebook that he had every right to feel what he was After I pulled out my phone and started playing his favorite thing He’s really interested in the show “Animaniacs”, and he knows everything about it He loves it! I slid my phone gently and left it there, I kinda encouraged him to watch it and to draw! He loves drawing ! It seemed to help a lot ! (A beautifully drawn picture of Yakko, I don’t know much on the show but I know Yakko because that’s their favorite character!) And this video helped me learn more so if he has a meltdown again, I’ll know what to do! Thank you

[@krissi89]

Thank you for being patient and kind❤️

[@Dimensionalalteration]

Oh yes,the questions during a meltdown,please don't do that no words.I am a pro toucher ,so my husband hugs it out of me.

[@cammie49]

Strangely, one of the best parenting tips I ever got was from a parent educator who told us Moms that feeling your child’s feelings when they melt down doesn’t help the child…but severely hurts the Mom as she starts to melt down and cry or scream too. Children, especially young children, are terrified by their strong out-of-control emotions and need to have a calm adult in the room…not a screaming crying upset adult. I think the words “you have every right to feel what you feel” are good. Also the instructor told us to give the child a pillow or stuffed animal to hit to get the rage out of their bodies. That always worked with my daughter. Turning out the lights, pulling the shades and basically anything to lower sensory input like turning off a radio or TV also helped. She was sensitive to MY feeling so I would sit still, close my eyes, breath slowly and say in my head “my feelings are my feelings. Her feelings are HER feelings” so as not to get dragged down to hell with her. Remember that Moms of autistic kids are often on the spectrum too.

[@56jrudy]

I feel so much guilt that I have not been able to understand these things about my daughter.

[@bingebuddies1241]

For me, it is very helpful when I have a meltdown, that my husband is sitting with me and reading a random phone numbers from the contacts on his phone. Also, repeating phone numbers that I remember helps me generally, to culm down when I feel exited or angry. Of course if my brain allows it at the moment ))

[@siennaprice1351]

My mom and my husband are very good with me whenever I’m having a meltdown. Sometimes my meltdowns are due to CPTSD flashbacks. I try to hide my emotions and if I feel a meltdown coming, I try to bottle it up and say that I’m fine. I’m very verbal, but if I’m having a hard time, I have a hard time verbally communicating. I also feel as if I’m not allowed to communicate that I’m struggling, so I try to stuff it all down. I only feel like I’m allowed to feel happy and positive 24/7, no struggles, no obstacles. Music helps me a lot, especially meditation music.

[@SuperGingernutz]

I'm new to this channel, though a late-diagnosed Autistic woman in her 50s. Thank you and God bless you. Your advice is spot on here, whether it is a meltdown or a shutdown I go through. I tend to call shutdowns 'controlled explosions' . Peace and All Good.

[@Catlily5]

"Controlled explosions" are a good description!

[@JK-ek5jv]

Yes, no questions, touch, yelling at me, or arguing with me and being really insistent on being right about something towards me. Everything feels bombarding at that point and anything added makes it SO much worse. I'm relieved that there's an explanation for me as a grown adult experiencing these meltdowns. Omg yes and do NOT tell me everything is going to be ok. I just want to be left alone in a dark room as I come out of it on my own. What a great video! Thank you! All spot on for me! I've never had someone support me through this before, other than the dog I used to have.

[@artsykate]

This is very helpful. I'm a 26y/o woman currently seeking my diagnosis, my husband of almost 5 years is autistic and all of these tips are spot on even if they need to be slightly changed depending on the person. I wanna send this to my parents as well because they have a really hard time being around me during a meltdown.

[@slowerlifeonpurpose]

Thanks so much for your channel- being open with us as you teach. This means so much to me. I was diagnosed a few years ago, I went to multiple therapist- and your videos have taught me more about my condition than ANY of them. Your channel is also teaching my family, which makes it easier for them to interact with me. God Bless ya.

[@Tala_Masca]

Thank you for making this video. My adult daughter had her diagnosis a few years back. Some things made sence in hindsight. I try to be understanding and supportive when she needs it and on the other hand not treating her really different like not having to do something when it's her turn. I have known for a long time autism is really different in boys vs girls. But still didn't suspect it with my own daughter because she didn't feel different like most girls I encounter in my work ( with small children) they tend to feel 'different' for me. but I just can't put into words exactly what. Anyway. Thank you for helping me understand more about melt-downs.

[@nancystehman8449]

Love your hair style in this video! Thanks for the info.

[@charlms89]

You look beautiful Olivia! 😍

[@l4w0f3lixir]

Always love the first bits of your videos genuinely goofy😁😁😎😎🤙🏼🤙🏼

[@charlieo4575]

Your videos are very informative. I've been married for 30+ years and now I believe her issues are related to autism. She has many of the traits you have. I've never been tested for autism but I believe I also am autistic. I'm going to get tested in the near future. Thanks and keep making this informative videos.

[@Nami-dq3ox]

Have you ever had a meltdown in public as an adult? The reason I ask is because what I think are meltdowns for me, I only do when I'm alone. I can safely allow them to happen, and they are intense but quick and leave me feeling wiped afterwards. They usually happen as a result of a combination of too many inputs (sound, emotions, thoughts, information). But when I am around people, I can't let that happen. I have to disassociate myself and essentially close some of the programs that take up processing power, so to speak (e.g. facial expressions, speech). If people ask a lot of questions and try to get me to talk, then I will cry. It's really embarrassing, I'm not even upset. I can generally postpone meltdowns until it is safe. But I wonder: are these actually meltdowns, or am I just "letting it out"? I know everyone's experiences are different, but I want to know if others can relate.

[@jennifergrimes1563]

Thank you for being so clear and straightforward. You are very helpful. Plus it's fun to watch your hair transformation.

[@happyapple898]

I got diagnosed recently (at 20 years old) yesterday I went to the shop after going to uni, I had my list and wanted some ingredients to try making a salad, however the shop moved the tuna and did not remove it from the sign above the aisle. Felt so frustrating to spend so long looking for something (I wanted to kick something) called my friend to try to get help calming down, she told me to “stop being silly, I thought it was something serious” THIS MADE ME FEEL WORSE because I knew it wasn’t the end of the world but I was tired and wanted to leave the shop before it got dark, and my plan had been disrupted.

[@TechieSewing]

I doubt sympathy can do anything good actually. I was always surprised when in American movies people would ask 'Are you OK?' when nobody would in that situation. And then doubly surprised when they answered "I'm fine!". Any character that doesn't answer that in the movies is either dead or severely asocial. I sort of learned to translate it in my head as 'Are you dead yet?' "No, not yet!" dialogue. Makes more sense but usually is pointless as the other character can be seen as alive ;) Also if they are dead, they definitely don't need any assitance anymore, so in terms of assistance it's an 'OK' answer.

[@meganrenee4380]

Thank you Olivia for making this video! It was helpful 😊

[@viviancovington7813]

Love it!

[@amandazeober6249]

Thank you for this! Super helpful 😁

[@teribartusek1125]

Thank you, as usual. God bless and have a great day!

[@matthewrobles8543]

Thank You Olivia So Much for Sharing this.. I Appreciate You.

[@lindabeaulieu6770]

This video is very helpful and answers one of my top questions. Thank you for your videos.

[@ChristopherDinesOfficial]

I think you’re very brave. Excellent video. 🙏🏽

[@melaniewantsabeer243]

My husband tries to fix it. It makes me so much madder and I melt down worse

[@siennaprice1351]

Some of my meltdowns are due to complex PTSD flashbacks. I don’t have the best patience with myself in those times. My mom and my husband are really on to me about giving myself a break and cutting myself some slack. I tend to hide my emotions and say that I’m ok and that nothing is wrong. And then I give myself the whole, “don’t you dare show emotions. What the f*ck is your problem? People won’t hire you already because of your physical disability. What makes you think they’ll want you when you’re like this?”

[@Catlily5]

@@siennaprice1351 I have PTSD also. Yes, you are being hard on yourself. I am hard on myself too. It helped me in the short term but not the long term.

[@siennaprice1351]

@@Catlily5 so I guess I’m not the only one after all. I thought I was the only one.

[@Catlily5]

@@siennaprice1351 No, there are more people like us too. I learned to be very hard on myself from my mom.

[@Catlily5]

@@siennaprice1351 We tend to hide ourselves so it is hard to tell when someone is similar.

[@viviancovington7813]

Fantastic and compendious

[@reannehein]

Great video! Could you also make a How To Support Someone During an Autistic Shutdown version of this video please? (If that's something you have experience with.) Though I did find that most of the tips in this video also apply for helping with an autistic shutdown, at least for me, so that's good. Thanks, I love all of your videos 😊🧡

[@nathanjw940]

Most of mine are I want to do things myself and can't do it. Yes if you can fix the problem it helps but once the meltdown occurs don't ask me questions. Example we had a boat show I planned and unfortunately we missed the parade because they closed the park right before it started. My friend tried to get me to make a decision on eating out after that and I was like don't care. Don't try to rationalize what is happening. You will just keep winding me up adding to it.

[@a.kenneth3521]

Thanks for all your vids. I think I and my kid are on the spectrum, so your info is great! Also, I’m still doing Covid protocols cuz I’m immune compromised AND cuz I don’t like public places. 😆

[@robbertdekok8987]

So true

[@gaberlv]

Thank you so much for your videos. I wish I had these when my adult child was young. I am able to identify with everything you are saying . This is helping us both in going forward. I know it’s helping her too. Validation. Thank you again.

[@asdfeww]

I was diagnosed 6 months ago I'm 36 stress is a huge factor for me and also noise my son is the opposite to me and sensory seeking which can set me off I shout and get very verbal it's horrible 🤦my partner of 8 years is still trying to help but struggles. I try tell him what can help me when I feet more verbally responsive

[@haroldgifford852]

👍

[@hannahc966]

Hi Olivia, I am 33 years old and I am also on the spectrum. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s at the age of 12. This video was very helpful. I appreciate the tips you have shared. My biggest supporters have been my mom and older sister. They have always shown empathy whenever I went through a meltdown. What tips would you give spouses of those on the spectrum?

[@Baszihter]

The sound of popping up tip boxes is a bit annoying. I don't like it.

[@melaniewantsabeer243]

My response to it's fine is no it's fucking not! It's kind of insulting.