How to Survive an Emotionally Abusive Marriage | Karla Downing

[@julievdw6748]

I'm loving your video, thanks so much, going through it bit by bit, still at the beginning. I'm 23 years trapped in a terribly abusive marriage with a man with covert narcissistic traits. Thing is he doesn't take care of his own body the very best - I used to get on his case out of love to do do long ago. No longer though. He isn't the worst but he didnt love his appearance with intensity. He always criticized fuller women which I hated, because he was overweight. He stripped me of my femininity. My clothing and hair care and so on went downhill because he controlled the money, controlled my time, harassed and disparaged me through tons of passive aggression until I went into decline, and of course, he never cared, he liked me weakened. I have been trying now in my mid 40s with 3 children to do the best I can to recover myself with what I have right now. I feel sad my best years in my prime were stolen.

[@margaretchaney5627]

I have added this to my skills, relinquishing my claims on my difficult husband. Example: I drop my claim on my husband that he is emotionally mature. Or that he respects me. This eliminates my anger when he doesn't live up to my claim ( or expectation ). And I've added boundaries.

[@BedfordFalls7]

I have to say, I don't get this. I have been married 22 years to someone who never has been a real husband. Now fast forward and he is retired. He is always angry and yelling. We go no place together, he is in his room all day long. He is always up on the second floor. We get take out then he goes to his room to eat it. I'm always on my own. No watching movies, we are completely separate. I hate this life. I would like an actual companion. Why would anyone continue to live with someone who does not care about anyone but themselves. My next step is divorce! The hell with this. Why would I stay? To be miserable and let everything be his way? Because that is how it is. He has the master bedroom with a bath in it. While I have been down the hall in a bedroom since marrying him. He was never interested in sharing a bedroom and what goes with it. Tolerate him? I don't think that is a healthy way to live. When you know who they are, take back your life and leave. Seriously.

[@delindasmith5993]

Completely agree. This advice that this woman is giving doesn’t seem productive. OK so she understands the issues but it’s still affecting the emotional and mental well-being to live in that environment.

[@PassionateFlower]

I hope you can find some good girlfriends to hang out with and eat take out together, watching cheesy rom coms to laugh and cry to, and throw a divorce party❤🎉🥡🌯🍕🍔🥤🥗📺🎬🍿

[@1969kellyp]

I can understand what you are saying. It’s similar to my situation. We live in separate houses, he rarely wants sex (unlike me), we vacation separately and he doesn’t like to talk much about things that are going on. The only reason I will unlikely divorce him is because I have been single for many years after my second divorce and it is worse being totally alone. I guess for me is “well at least I have some of those things that are valuable in a marriage” I actually would not want to repeat the mistake of divorce even though my first husband was a narcissist as well. For some though it’s a good thing to get out.

[@changemyrelationship]

I agree. That is not a marriage and appears to never have been one. That is even more than abusive. It is complete emotional and physical shutdown. No one has to stay in an abusive marriage or any marriage. Many women, however, do stay and try to confront the abuse and get change. I offer hope for both. My marriage was emotionally abusive but not emotional and physical shutdown as yours was. My husband and I did a lot together including run a business and we raised three children together. We vacationed together and had many shared interests and friends. He has made changes all along. We also still love each other after 45 years.

[@1969kellyp]

@@changemyrelationship I am a Christian and know divorce is a last resort and there is only a few exceptions. Affair, if they leave or extreme abuse. I refuse to take divorce lightly and a solution

[@emiliaa6175]

Abuse is not a marital issue. Abuse is intrapersonal (one person) not interpersonal (two people). You leave an abuser in the safest way you can. You can’t go to counseling, you can’t confront the abuser, just save your breath, your peace and get out and away from the abusive person.

[@shellyt7173]

Agree!

[@emiliaa6175]

This video is for those who want to stay in this toxic comfort zone, it’s best to advise those to make a plan for a safe exit. Don’t just “let it go” but LET THEM GO! We need to stop coddling these pathologically disordered individuals. We need to realize what we are dealing with and cut our losses to save ourselves.

[@PassionateFlower]

Ya I agree. I broke up with the abuser I was dating for the last year and a half. We went to therapy. He told the therapist he is dangerous when he's angry. Therapist told me separately that if I continue seeing him, it's on me at this point. Basically she was saying he flat out admitted to both of us in session that he's a dangerous person and she's trying to save me from a catastrophe but obviously can't tell a patient what to do. So I cut it off. He lived with his ex for 10 years in a house he got with his VA benefits and she cheated on him and he held a gun to her head when he went through her phone and found the texts. She was able to escape his abusive clutches and ran off with the guy she cheated on him with and has been homeless ever since. I don't think she cheated out of evil I think he terrorized the poor thing for a decade and she was desperate to get out because he was the one who provided most of her basic needs so she was being financially abused by him he had all the power and she probably was isolated from family and friends and didn't have anyone to turn to. So I cut my losses after he told me all that and my therapist said get out now while you still can. Scary stuff.

[@1969kellyp]

I will have to say you are correct in a way, but those who choose to stay know exactly why they’re staying. For other women or men to tell somebody that they should leave or say things like “your stupid for staying” or “I wouldn’t put up with that” or “ I would leave I don’t understand why you don’t” it’s abusive in itself. I’m not saying you are like that, but it seems to be touching on that subject. I have been single and I’d rather be with my husband than be without anything or anyone. I just wish women would understand why we stay or why we leave and let us make that decision.

[@shellyt7173]

The reasons I left was first, to preserve my health and life living by my principles; and second, I didn’t want these patterns to influence my children/grandchildren and the ongoing legacy. It’s costly, but I’d do it again. I know I did the right thing for me.

[@clc7763]

Lots of women leave, then go back into another abusive relationship

[@1969kellyp]

@@clc7763 I did myself and most people would say that I chose the same type of men…well actually, being a woman, I was chosen then I allowed them in my life. That is my weakness. In my personal life I NEVER had a Godly man want to marry me, never met him, never had a choice in marring one. I either have to live single and celibate or be in the marriage I’m in. I refuse to continue divorcing, remarriage, divorcing, remarriage man after man. I want one man in my life forever, regardless.

[@theresekaun7143]

If he is abusive to you, don't tolerate

[@kathrynb7475]

Or she

[@sherylj586]

Easier said than done. Identifying emotional abuse is not always easy.

[@changemyrelationship]

The problem is that people have to identify it and get strong enough to set boundaries that don't tolerate. Another problem is that many people choose to stay in abusive relationships, some because they don't have a way to leave, and others because they don't want to leave. It may be that it is a parent whom they feel they need to stay in contact with. Ideally, don't tolerate any abuse. Reality is that many people do which is why I give them tools to get them strong enough to get out and show them a different way to stay if that is what they choose and they can change their minds at any time.

[@calliopelintwig285]

Sometimes people have no way to leave.

[@amyfelix2208]

Who wants to live like this

[@julievdw6748]

I'm looking forward to part 2 if there is more I can learn. I have detached and do recognize all the abuse and narcissism for what it is, but I still feel very helpless because I am very unhappy and I am very limited in the boundaries and amount of separation I can accomplish in my situation.

[@jenileerachel]

Thank you Karla and Dr Hawkins for covering this

[@ArashaSP]

Love this! Dr. Hawkins, thank you for sharing Miss Karla’s wisdom. The is especially helpful for those of us who cannot leave the marriage yet. ❤ Please bring her back!

[@julievdw6748]

A personal struggle I have with the very good concept between 16 and 19 minutes is my husband controls the money, we share a car, and he forces weekend "family time" around the chores... family time means not me being alone. I tried going to a church alone when he was really bad to me pushing me into a sick tight corner a few years ago. His face was so menacing as he felt he was losing control over me and he can come across truly frightening.

[@juliek3074]

A boundary without a consequence is a mere suggestion. A boundary isn't enforced with consequences, it's not really a boundary, but rather a wish or hope. It's not a request or a demand, it's "if you do _____, I will detach."

[@changemyrelationship]

There are consequences depending on the choice the person makes. It is my way of looking at boundaries. If you tell someone, "You can't abuse me or talk to me that way," you can't enforce that because he can. If you consider that you set boundaries that you control such as "I won't continue in the marriage if you continue to abuse me," or "I won't continue the conversation if you raise your voice," you have complete control because you enforce the boundary. It is clearer to consider a boundary as what you will or won't do. The consequence comes with the choice. Some people think of a boundary as punishment but it isn't punishment. It is choices and consequences.

[@dianasmith1398]

I was married 23 yrs. These thoughts only work if you get him from the beginning. My husband chipped away at the confidence for years so I always thought I could love him thru it. But I was getting panic attacks and the earge to run. I had a emotional break down. And went for counselling. I left my husband and cried so much cause I loved him. I was drowning and this was my only hope of survival. With some of us women we need help before it is a crisis.😢

[@estellesweet6703]

Being abusive to me is one thing...but no one better dare be kicking any dogs.

[@changemyrelationship]

Your dogs are loved. It isn't okay that he is abusive to you either.

[@dawnbrock7137]

Great information

[@iw9338]

Recovering people pleaser here. Thanks very much 👍👍❤

[@changemyrelationship]

Glad you have recovered. We are all a work in progress. You will love Part 2.

[@donnag.3611]

Love this message w/ the clarity & examples. David, there's sound issues when you're speaking.

[@meganlazare9177]

These principles work! I got the book and it has been a real game changer… Also “change my relationship” podcast! Looking forward to conversation part B

[@julietaylor7305]

What if he doesn't take good care of his own body?

[@PassionateFlower]

That means he won't take care of yours either.

[@changemyrelationship]

He won't take good care of yours either.

[@iw9338]

Thanks very much 🙏👍 i needed these reminders

[@sandyhenry3238]

I gave up myself to have a good family and he took it for granted and started treating me like a child. Now in divorce because he has a government job judge seems to side with him. Said my protection order is nonsense and I must protect his job and his interests cause he will never get a lower interest when I want to sale home because he wants to buy me out for pennies and I can't even afford a lawyer I have nothing and no one cares about me or my sacrifices. It brings back trauma from childhood. my mom and step dad took in foster kids. my step dad was abusive to me. Social worker threatened me to shut my mouth about my abuse because on paper their home was tops for foster care and if I didn't shut up she will put me in a bad home.. Today judge saying protect abusive husband he matters more or else you have nothing is just like when I was a kid. protect everyone else.. I DON'T MATTER

[@tg2347]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is a lonely feeling. I hope things turn around.

[@sandyhenry3238]

@@tg2347 Ty, I appreciate it

[@changemyrelationship]

That is horrible and wrong. I am so sorry. The judge should require him to pay for your attorney. You need to get an attorney so that will happen.

[@sandyhenry3238]

@@changemyrelationship Yes, I know. It's so ridiculous

[@anntastic1532]

I try these things.....not perfect at it yet, but we have 5 kids in the house who are seeing and mirroring his unhealthy characteristics in the meantime.

[@deborahs.sinico4836]

What if your husband isn't taking care of himself and his health is terrible. So then they aren't going to take care of their wife? Right?

[@changemyrelationship]

Correct.

[@1969kellyp]

This is a great video with good things to follow. I’m dealing with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic husband and I’m at the stage of setting the boundaries and walking away but I have a bigger issue of fear. He has threatened so many times of leaving me or threatened another woman. I feel as though I need to keep tabs on him and question him or let him know it is wrong to do that to me. I know I can’t control him and he is not the cheating type but I have to know the truth and guard myself from any of what he might do. I do understand he might only be threatening to gain control of me but it does cause worry.

[@changemyrelationship]

Yes, you do need to be careful when he is physically threatening your safety. It is best to get help from a therapist or a domestic violence help center to make a plan that protects you. The most dangerous time is when you leave. They don't like losing control. Has he ever hurt anyone else who has left him?

[@1969kellyp]

@@changemyrelationship if you are talking about physical abuse, he never has hit me or anyone I know. Emotionally abusive yes. He has been abusive and left three wives because they cheated on him. The threats he makes is leaving me or finding someone else. He is emotionally abusive by calling me names, belittling me, demanding that I trust him demanding that I not ask questions. Leave when told to leave, he doesn’t want me around because he says I’m drama when he starts being dramatic and abusive out of the blue. I walk on eggshells.

[@donnaramer8644]

Wow I can relate to everything she has said I need to read her book. Excellent advice. Her experiences have been mine.

[@donnaramer8644]

Need to detach with love

[@1969kellyp]

@@donnaramer8644 me? My biggest fear is to be alone again. I suffer either way. Perhaps I will find that Godly man but no guarantee. Either way I will suffer so detaching myself with love is what I’m doing but totally walking away and being alone it’s just as bad so I’m stuck. I am not planning on doing to him what I would not want done to me by leaving him for another man or not being there for him.

[@sandyhenry3238]

The lady guest sounds like me.. I just stopped catering to my future X husband and because O stopped giving him supply he wants out. AWESOME.. now lies in court and seems to be winning. Putting reason for divorce as all me. He drained my lawyer funds. I have no money of my own and can no longer afford a lawyer. I waisted $10,500

[@zitroanor]

What a woman has to accept is what she's willing to live with for the rest of her life- for financial or other reasons. But she's still depending on him to continue to hold up his ends of the bargain i.e. provide, be safe, be faithful etc. That doesn't seem very powerful or secure.

[@tw3353]

Oof! Just ordered her book after this episode. This episode describes me and convicted me of my own behavior contributing to my own suffering. 😑

[@lourenciamiesner4570]

Sound isn't good

[@kristinccha]

Hey I'm 30😂 such a good video except it does affect thekids

[@changemyrelationship]

Yes, it does and you need to take that into consideration when you decide to stay. It's painful to deal with that in the future and know you could have prevented it.

[@Ratgirl2]

With my friend and her husband is hopeless it's all her fault and he doesn't see it any other way. She's leaving for a week don't think that will do a thing.😕🫤

[@PassionateFlower]

She needs to leave forever and close the door gently behind her on her way out.

[@BedfordFalls7]

I live this horrible life. She needs to pick up and get out. Life is too short to have to live with these fools. They are toxic and suck up any happiness you once or might have until you feel so lonely and sad you don't even want to exist. Divorce is the route out I'm taking.

[@Ratgirl2]

@@BedfordFalls7 He tells her I broke my back for you working and you don't appreciate me. It's so twisted is it a mental illness it sure sounds like it. So so wrong.😕😕😕

[@iw9338]

Yeppers, mine has time and energy for everyone else😮. Should have left long ago 😮😅

[@karenkelley4344]

My husband and I were married 27 years . There were many challenges and at times it was very lonely . But I hung in there . We had two kids , a beautiful house , lots of family gatherings at our house over many years . Our relationship wasn't perfect but I just accepted the things that we're hard . I lost my mom in 2018 and my husband said some really mean things to me that just stunned me . He told me I was hysterical when I found out she was going into hospace . He got upset I cried when we drove near her house and told me he'd lost his mom too . We went to the beach he woul not walk by the water with me . He kept texting me to leave . He never would hug me or try to comfort me , instead it was like I was on display and he'd just watch me . I hated being alien with him for the first time in 27 years . Our daughter moved 3000 miles away at this same time . Finally I had enoug and left . I never thought I would do that but when I was shamed ofe my grief I had to get out .