How & Why The Dismissive Avoidant Sabotages Relationships | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

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In this video, I’ll talk about how & why the Dismissive Avoidant sabotages relationships as well as some of the things we can do to create change in this area.
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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[@AngelofHogwarts]

AP here and now I've decided to avoid DAs and FAs. I feel for them and may God help us all but I cannot go through the cycle of getting ghosted out of nowhere (followed by intensely tormenting orbiting/bread-crumbing), panic attacks, anxious breakdowns on the sidewalk, weight loss, sleep deprivation, and self-chastisement all over again. I want to be loved, valued, and cherished in return. :'l

[@ishajain8379]

All of the things you mentioned, feel them a 100%. It was devastating. Currently in my third week after the break up, it hurts but atleast I am not having high anxiety levels anymore.

[@brittelska1449]

FAs will love you. We have feelings. We feel the feelings. We have the distancing strategies but we also want to be close to you. This is why, like Thais, a lot of us want to change. I think we are very different from DAs. They don’t want closeness and they are so disconnected from feeling that they can’t give you any perceivable love and they usually don’t feel any motivation to change. I think you’ll find a lot of FAs are self reflective and aware of our shit, so I think we’re worth giving a chance.

[@rameneater1437]

​@@brittelska1449 just stop

[@ileanaprofeanu7626]

You know, my first reaction was "oh, why avoid the FAs..." (as an FA haha) but my second was "oh, as an AP, sure, it's not a bad idea". I am sure you could find an FA you could connect and form a deep bond with, and I am sure I could find an AP, but in my experience as to why I did not consider at least the APs I have met up until this point as a serious choice was that firstly off the bat it seemed that they would need way more time that I could realistically give them, that it might cause needless discussions on the subject which I dislike because it simply erodes the relationship and I am all for talking about things but not for constantly the same discussion about one thing and why I need it, plus the dynamics didn't seem sincere to me, and it doesn't seem to me that the APs I met were sincere to themselves and committed to improve their life, for themselves. So, only because you show up and you are preoccupied in a relationship, does not mean you show up in a healthy way, nor is it necessarily healthier long term than being with someone avoidant, so all this is to say, I believe your focus should be on becoming more secure in your attachment and find people who are aligned on this journey of becoming healthier, irrespective of their attachment style.

[@themaldi1]

They rarely or never: - give you any affection - compliment you - ask how you are - wants to spend time with you It's hell and I've been through it. Never again.

[@spicyphilly]

I'm sorry you had that experience. There are DAs like myself out there that do the work, show up and are able to be vulnerable and present.

[@Ina_ei]

What I read it that comment: I love them so I give them my affection so I want them to give me their attentions/affection back But if they don’t give their affection back, I won’t love them too. Tho somehow it happened that you fell in love in them for who they are on the first place? So may be they ARE still giving? Sorry for your experience, I think and on my experience with my close lovely friend DA , you will receive when you stop need it but still be loving and kind when they be insecure (in DAs case when they hiding) My fav quote in here: show me where it hurts so I know where to love the hardest DA show their pain by hiding it don’t punish them for this

[@sirrparker3775]

Very tru

[@Ina_ei]

@Emnet Tsadiku we all hurt sometimes and sometimes we all toxic more or less. I tell him what I feel and why and ask what I need, I also remind and tell consequences if nothing change and let him choose, i remind him that I don’t hate him or blame him, bc he think so if conflict happens and avoid me, I say “this don’t go with me”. He pisses me off in many ways cuz he feels like he decide what to do or say, and other people accept it or leave, he doesn’t know what means taking someone into consideration, he just “mechanically” does what he was asked if he feel relationships worth it, he doesn’t know how to negotiate. So it’s like being mad at fish that it’s not capable to climb a tree. I focus on positive side of communication, (light funny attentive attractive wants to take care of me), and keep comfortable distance for myself because All insecure attachment styles don’t feel boundaries and can’t micromanage it. When shit happens I hurt and talk, if the person doesn’t get it I make my conclusions, stay in relationship (if there are positive) but I set a boundary and change the form of this relationship. No close friends- ok just buddy for good light talk or lunch. Not even buddy - just saying hello and bye. Over time it can change back to friends. I love good expansive coffee but I appreciate having a 2$ americano sometimes when I hurry to work, I don’t expect it to bring me same emotions as expensive one, and sometimes it tastes shitty, but overall it makes my day better, tho I’m not going to buy this cheap coffee for the same price as expensive one. Hope it helps

[@violetsky__7649]

I’m SO Confused because my partner does all the four stuff listed above but isn’t great at communicating. He seems to avoid conflict, collaborating on plans, and seems a bit wishy washy at times. I’m thinking he’s secure with a strong DA streak/wounds. I wish it wasn’t this difficult to figure someone out…

[@akuasalaam490]

They LOVE to destroy relationships, and then attempt to play victim... it's the craziest thing watching someone completely disassociate from their horrendous behaviors, as if the disconnect (that they have been steadfastly working at) came out of nowhere. WILD.

[@Heyu7her3]

Dissociation is altered state of consciousness, so their lack of awareness may actually be the truth

[@CHRISTChrysalisInManhaim]

Could also be disassociation, from demonic manifestation/possession... temporarily on spiritual auto pilot🤔 Like Narcissism is rumoured to be associated with.( I agree btw) Avoidant seems like Narcissism's cousin...now with limited empathy& communication. I'm being funny, but it's honestly very painful dealing with someone that runs from love

[@CommandoMaster]

It's so strange when u don't understand this stuff. Everything seems to be going well, then all of sudden ur DA pulls away, and u don't know what happened.

[@jelenajakelic1909]

Intro ends at 00:59

[@mcastro516]

I'm an AP (working on self-healing with a counselor) married to a DA that breaks my heart every day, sleeps in separate bedroom and is visibly relieved when I go away for the weekend. When we were dating he used to drive hours to come see me once a week, was consistent with text and calls, dedicated me love songs, and told me he loved me. I married him very much in love, then we moved in together and he started calling his "phantom ex" every so often and quickly pulled away from me and any intimacy. Now were basically "roomates," he even labels his food in the fridge. Please be careful before getting too close to a DA that isnt interested in "doing the work" to heal their core wounds.

[@lau.tizzir]

I'm a DA... and that's an asshole. He probably has no respect for you since he sees that you are still with him despite his deplorable behavior... Run.

[@Katrica670]

@M Castro phantom ex? 🤔

[@mcastro516]

@@Katrica670 Thais talks about the phantom ex in some of her videos about DA's. It's kind of a crutch they use to keep you at a distance when they start feeling too close, altho they dont actually want to get their ex back.

[@evaollie9208]

@@lau.tizzir first of all. You are a woman and probably low on spectrum. She totally described a high da

[@erin9243]

Sounds like he could be a narcissist

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

Functionally, being with a DA feels absolutely no different as the partner (or ex-partner) than being with a pathological narcissist. Even though dismissive-avoidant attachment and narcissism are totally different things and motivated by different pathologies, the experience of them is almost exactly the same. Ultimately, it's not worth investing in either of them because of how utterly self-consumed they are. My relationship with my DA ex was dominated by his needs and competing against me to get his needs met over meeting mine. All we ever argued about (and by argued, I mean he constantly picked fights about) was *his* needs, *his* boundaries, *his* space, *his* schedule. I gave and gave and gave to that relationship and it was never enough. I worked so hard to cooperate and collaborate, and all he wanted was to compete. Then, whenever I tried to assert my own needs and resolve why they weren't getting met, he would hijack the conversation and make that about *his needs* too. There was no room for me at all, and he didn't care. "I, me, my" were his obsession 24/7. Ugh. I'll never get involved with a DA again. It was exhausting, he took from me til I had nothing left to give myself and then blew up the whole relationship and disappeared. I got literally nothing out of it. And of course, he's never bothered to apologize or own up to his shitty behavior. I mean, why would he? *He* got everything he wanted.

[@brookelight2090]

I agree with you completely. There is no distinguish between DA FA and vulnerable narcissists.

[@TVVENCH]

Agreed! The only difference is.. one can be healed. The other.. unlikely. Nonetheless, until the individual recognises their issues on their own.. no-one can help them.

[@julia-rf4ql]

maybe it‘s just ~his ~ shitty personality. let‘s not generalize

[@Hookah_Horns]

I thought all DAs were conflict avoiders? Haven't heard much about them picking fights. But I'm pretty new to AT.

[@christyannceraso]

It’s a continuum. Same problem, different degrees.

[@kjdaniels3267]

Man this video really hits home into the subconscious sounding that happens in the DAs mind ☹️ I’m dismissive avoidant who is at the beginning of doing this healing work. It’s sooo hard for me to open up about my emotional experience and trust that the relationship will be fine if I do that. I haven’t had a romantic relationships but I do feel as though I have pushed friends away through not being emotional vulnerable. Yeah and I can see how DAs can unintentionally hurt people through not opening up or just ghosting due to emotional overwhelm. I know for an anxious person that wants more emotional closeness it can especially hurt. Honestly, I wouldn’t advise getting into a relationship with a DA that isn’t interested in working on themselves. There’s only so much you can do to keep a relationship going and strong.

[@cinmingrl]

As a 41 year old dismissive avoidant, the unknown unknown part cannot be emphasized enough. If you had shown this to me at any point before two years ago I would not have identified with this at all. I would not have seen myself in it even though in truth I tick so many of these boxes. I simply would not have believed I had not known that much connection was possible. That that much feeling was possible. The Nothing has consumed us and we’re convinced the last grain of sand is the world. I’m fine, leave me alone. Even once I did identify with emotional neglect, the vastness of the void I saw under that barrier scared me so bad I couldn’t face it for over a year. Imagining how secure attachment feels is like trying to imagine the fourth and fifth dimensions.

[@Erfan]

This has a lot to do with neurochemistry translating into behaviour and personality. I've noticed that DA's likely lack serotonin, and possibly other related chemicals and will need external sources of these to before they can properly heal for the long term. I've worked with folks with ADHD and it's the same thing. Add the missing chemicals, then make behavioural changes, and viola, its magic !! Why exactly this happens is a dynamic discussion.

[@LYoung-et2sg]

Cinmingrl thank you for sharing this. It makes a lot of sense

[@Missgevious]

That’s so touching

[@emmaleone3485]

This is helping me understand it so much better. Thank you for sharing.

[@abes2758]

I’m so sorry that you have had to feel that way. I literally just had my DA block me. It feels like I’m speaking to a completely different person. I understand where it’s coming from I care about him so much! It’s so hard. 😞

[@tamilyvideos]

My ex was a DA and I loved her. This video is so heart breaking. I hope she is able to heal.

[@shanez1215]

Same here

[@shaynesimmonstattoo]

Same. Going through it right now. Had been dating her for a year and still hadn’t met her family, and most of her friends. I asked why and she even said that her family had been asking why I never came to functions. Bc I was never invited! She finally told me at the solar eclipse that she talked to her family and I was invited to a cousins-night gathering… and ten minutes later she decided to tell me that some guy she apparently talks to all the time but has never mentioned in the last year is driving down 3 hours to pick her up, buy her ticket and pay for her drinks and whatnot to go to a concert alone with him at night. Obv I had a problem with that and even just offered to go with them as her date… still ended in me breaking up with her. Now it’s just looking like one incident in a long history of self sabotage. I’m more sad for her than anything at this point.

[@ScottH7651]

I once had a gf tell me early in the relationship that she had a fear of relationships and tended to sabotage them, literally her words verbatim. I had no idea what she was talking about since her words contradicted her actions. Sure enough, she ended up dumping me after she convinced herself that I was devious. As far as I can tell, she ended up marrying a Milquetoast. Her loss...

[@nicolesmith7611]

I'm a dismissive avoidant , working hard to move towards being a more secure person. But I find it hard to decide if I really like someone or is it fear.

[@mohamedhadjhafsi9441]

that's a good question i guess time will answer that for you just give it a chance and let things move slowly and see what works the best for you, at least it would be an experience you would learn from

[@matthewwallace9380]

This is really interesting to me. It does seem that DAs and FAs sometimes do have difficulty deciding whether they're not that into someone or whether they're just scared. I get the sense that my FA ex spent a lot of time thinking about this. As an AP, I do know this: body language doesn't lie, and metaverbal signals (combined with your own gut instinct) are the best ways to determine if someone likes you or not. I have a DA in my life whose body language and voice tone unmistakably show a lot of interest, and now she's running, which to me confirms this. But even if a DA likes me, that doesn't necessarily mean they want a relationship with me or are ready for one.

[@drewgilbert9947]

I just learned of this this past summer. Loved her so much. She pulled away when I told her I loved her. It took me a long time to get over her. Hope she gets help she needs to move forward with a relationship.. Incredibly sad. I really loved her. Hell, I still do.😊

[@mathews0618]

Why be with someone that sabotages a relationship. Yeah, its sad but not your problem.

[@orangepeaches8238]

Wow I’ve just given up on my DA, it’s honestly a cycle of one person constantly trying and every attempt is an epic fail. There’s only so much that a person’s heart can take…I did try seeing him as a little boy and the entire experience he might’ve gone through for him to end up like this… I see all of those angels I just wish he knew what it’s like to be on the receiving end of his emotional distance or indifference😖.

[@alainpatry]

Dating a DA is painful AF. Especially when even after showing them such videos they won't do the work to stop running away. I stayed with her a full year too long because I believed she would change.

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

Aw I'm sorry. I did that too, it's a really tough situation. At least you can say you've done everything you could, and you had an opportunity to learn lots about yourself and your own boundaries. I wish you the best moving forward!

[@valentinanocross8677]

Yes, I don't know which videos they opened or not and also a book in German to reference, but he never read anything besides the sale flyer of the grocery store. He thinks he's lazy, he doesn't know he's avoidant. Soooo painful for 2 years. I did date and enjoy life between all the abandonment. Without dating apps I would have had worse PTSD on a new country.

[@valentinanocross8677]

@N Bee yes, but we sent videos... Ropes, ladders and boats, but if they don't grab on we have to chase the people back who are chasing us. Finding mine with another .. I guess his wounds were too deep. She was a low quality version of me. Door mattish... I already forgave.

[@adamwood87]

similar situation as myself, only my FA left me, and i want her back. i showed her these videos, plus she is in therapy. per what she told me, not only have her therapists failed in helping her to rewire, they actually encouraged her to follow her unconscious. in short, i haven't seen her in months.

[@valentinanocross8677]

@N Bee thanks for writing. I feel very comfortable reading there is nothing I could do. You are absolutely right. I was dating below my level and I can't expect someone to meet me where he is at. We great up different and all the Shane around how he grew up, will make him run back to that creature comfort . Nobody could have explained it better. I now feel centered and understand his, self soithing to that level. I played small so he could play bug. But the roles were reversed. Now I see they must be doing the work, but those of us who gave lived in healing and growth will be challenged to find a partner to talk with.

[@Stella-cv4mc]

At 6:08 I think you meant to say "your subconscious mind will always outwill or overpower your conscious mind", but you accidentally said it the other way round? I'm just mentioning this for clarification esp for new viewers of your videos :) ❤️❤️

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

you are right! thanks for catching that -PDS team member

[@walidb123]

Through your videos I've learnt that I'm extremely avoidant. I just broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years for the 2nd time after sabotaging our relationship. She knew it was the wrong decision but I did it anyway. I feel so broken because I felt like I couldn't stop myself. I really want to fix this and have her in my life but I'm scared I will do it again. I can't break her heart like that again.

[@alexandrachirila1917]

go for her buddy!! it's amazing you are willing to learn more about yourself, kudos to you. You deserve to be loved and for sure she loves you and wants to be in her life. Anything can be resolved and figured out

[@sadcowboycat1995]

my gf just left me after a year... how do i get you guys to come back? first it was "i want to work on myself to love you the way you deserve" and then it was that i was "toxic" and "manipulative"... self sabotaging im guessing, please help i love her so much. She has me blocked, do you guys ever come back?

[@Ash-yi1en]

Did you get back together?

[@sadcowboycat1995]

@@Ash-yi1en no. We are over a month of no contact, she’s been trying to make me jealous tho...

[@berfin5865]

Be there for her. Let her choose. If she feels like she needs to protect herself, she will take the time and space! My DA always said things like to me and I hate it because it's basically saying I can't protect myself and takes away my option to decide for myself. And I miss him so much and wanna support him. I'd die of happiness if he just reached out to me. You two can be happy. Try it. Don't overthink

[@jeanmm6823]

Thank you for your videos. Short, sweet, and to the point like an immunity shot. 💥 This next comment is for folks who may read this comment. At 6:13 she said the conscious eventually overrides and then the subconscious will say no we’re going THIS way. This is because she meant to say the subconscious eventually overrides.If you were able to catch that great. This is more so to clarify for people who do not know psychology and hearing this for the first time. Hope this brings clarity. Be great! ♥️

[@BrazzersGirl]

Your videos and information you provide are pure GOLD. Thank you, I appreciate it so much

[@ShaunBennetFauntleroy]

This was IMMENSELY helpful.

[@nataliel2149]

Wow this makes so much sense and really helps for understanding 💜

[@ytfeverguy8367]

I think I am anxiously attached to a distant avoidant female. It hurts like hell.

[@Sixrabbbit]

What’s your attachment style?

[@MayBeeWheelSea123]

Roller coaster

[@70Mishi]

Get out of the roller coaster ride and love your self first. It will only get worse.

[@paulwatson1547]

One hell of a Rollercoaster

[@marcd2743]

You are addicted to the dysfunction. Get out, take the beating, do the work, get stronger.

[@joyajackson5982]

My DA refuses to change. I have walked from him so many times and he always finds a way to come back even when I don’t want him. I just don’t understand how someone can be so stubborn to change or to get help. He’s absolutely okay with being alone for the rest of his life because he doesn’t want to get the help. It’s so frustrating and irritating. I even offered to go to therapy with him and he still won’t go. I’m just completely over it. He wants to be with me but I don’t deserve that.

[@youraccount7003]

This is brilliant. Extremely well explained. Thank you so much

[@ranjithravichandran2645]

This just helps a lot thnks!! U define things in a sharp and precise way...

[@Deletinginprocess]

I wad in a DA relationship and three weeks ago he blocked me because of someone else lack of integrity. No questions just immediately blocked. He was extremely vulnerable with me five days before. I’ve met his children, he spoke of taking me where his father is buried, (sacred grounds). And the lack of someone else’s integrity took that from me. I am hoping he will come back.

[@jelenashome1725]

Did he ever come back?

[@Deletinginprocess]

@@jelenashome1725 no

[@brittyj.6060]

I’m a AP and my ex just broke up with me 2 weeks ago who is a DA and I was very calm empathetic and showed over and over I’m on his side even took blame at things to avoid arguments but nothing ever seemed to work but he started off completely didn’t I just want the other side of him back it’s so sad they self sabotage

[@shebutter3195]

Were we dating the same man? 🤣

[@taylors7107]

Same girl same

[@englishwithsanjuktadas]

Thank you so much 🙏

[@NM-vs5lg]

Thanks Thais ❤️❤️❤️

[@SaraDiFeliceinspiringlife]

Great value!

[@MusicIsMySoul334]

First half had me crying, it hits so close to home

[@Katrica670]

@5:21 that's soooo messed up! 😥😢What a beautiful, perfect world with Lotsa people who mess people up! 😥😢

[@user-bh6wc3jf5c]

Amazing explanations thnx ❤❤

[@rachellaverkck4789]

I've just watched and commented on this topic for the anxious preoccupied video..... Which is exactly who/how I am... So I'm watching this for reference to my DA partner & it is EXACTLY him.... Are we doomed..... 7yrs of the push pull... But love each other greatly... Of course he would only see it as criticism and that he's happy being the way he is.... He says "I'm not like normal people"

[@kevina12]

I loved my DA ex A LOT, trust me, I really really liked her strangeness. We were not really that compatible but I loved all her being somehow. I still miss her and remember her contantly after 1 exact year apart, but I have to tell you, she was exactly like that: "I have difficulties having relationships bc how I am, but this is me, this is what I can offer to you" Every time she said that it would bring me to my knees and I would refuse to accept the reality. Now I've come to realize that I didn't stop loving her during the relationship, but the dynamic, the lack of interest, intimacy, transparency, affection, plans for the future, respect, etc etc... That was a price too steep to pay for staying with her. I did love her but I wasn't willing to sacrifice so much, to be in such humilliating and one-sided relationship. I know is not what you wish to hear, but if he/she says: "that is who I am" then you better take off. Trust me, love can be great, but you just have to find better partners.

[@kevina12]

@@auralionasol2205 i feel you. Is like: I don't care this is a horrible trait, I'm weird and I'm fine with it, so I rather leave you and a dozen partners before I let you manipulate me!

[@pujapanday8286]

My ex is a DA. He is shutting me now. He says he doesnt wanna talk to me or anyone else. I told him i respected his decision. I don't know how else to deal with this. I love him so so much. We broke up 4 months back.

[@southernsoul152]

I’m so sorry, it’ll be ok 💙

[@sandrae2319]

You are doing the right thing. Stay strong ♥️

[@alexandrachirila1917]

updates?;(

[@AshleyLebedev]

Send him a very poignant video

[@Alixir1228]

Move on please. You need better.

[@Katrica670]

@6:08, "and your conscious mind will Always outwill your subconscious mind" You probably meant, "and your subconscious (download, bs programming, unknowing mind) will Always outwill you conscious mind."

[@wasssup7573]

It’s interesting content but no need to work out something with a DA, in the end you will not know where you stand with them.. if you are a fixer and believe that the people on death row are all good on the inside if you just look long enough then by all means go ahead and waste your time, energy, sense of self and your feelings just because you want to fix someone else who can’t make you happy, work on you, life is already stressful enough

[@katharina1439]

All they do is sabotage😒 and sabotage some more. No matter how loving i am and try to accommodate their needs. The more I'm loving the less he feels safe🙄

[@mason9086]

No amount of accommodating on your end is going to solve anything. The more you put into trying to meet his needs (or have him meet yours) the more likely that he’ll feel like he can’t reciprocate what you put into it. And you can’t fully expect a DA to reciprocate the way you would like. You just have to set your boundaries and make compromises that involve taking less of their time away and also gives YOU more quality time when you are together. Don’t push uncomfortable ideas onto them, and work to understand yourself fully before you try to understand him. There are ways to make it work but you have to use your excess of emotional energy sparingly so you can find the patience necessary to manage a DA and their lack of emotional energy. My DA ex is an amazing human being, but she’s been through a lot and I have to be patient with her. I tried to overcompensate and when she withdrew a second time, it triggered me (anxious preoccupied) and I ended things temporarily to work on myself. I’d like to get back with her but I’ve accepted that that may not be a reality for years since I’ve triggered her abandonment wounds pretty heavily by cutting things off, even if it was amicable and solely to work on me. It is what it is, but don’t beat yourself up over how it could’ve gone differently. Just focus on what you can do to find happiness beyond partners and you’ll find the security necessary for healthier relationships in the future.

[@joeleggett425]

Yup! When they say "it's me it's not you" u think it's the ol cliche but no they are being god honest!😔

[@TamagoEgg]

A DA knows if you're trying to meet his needs genuinely or you're just trying to please him. If you're doing it to please him, he will shut off even more.

[@selfdiscoverysupport]

Sometimes avoidants have a different idea of what 'loving' means from those are anxious. For some quality time or touch means showing love when an avoidant may most value words of affirmation. Frustrating but everyone's reality is different and sometimes people just aren't ready for relationships at all.

[@trollhunter3944]

​​@@mason9086Sounds exactly like my story. Hope you are well! You had to do what was best for you!

[@vladimirsamsonov46]

Hey Thais, thanks for the great video. Could you please tell more about the influence of insecure attachment styles on PSNS. I wonder if DAs can experience an even level of intimacy, especially after being in this state of subconscious mind for many years?!

[@xavierharnett1046]

You’re amazing

[@patrickvally6572]

Only facts in this video!!!!

[@SkyePhoenix]

As an FA, I can relate to some of this...

[@nico3641]

As a DA, how can I learn about a healthy role model? I don’t even know how emotional support even looks like? Is it good for me?

[@ging3030]

I love you work. Thank you for all you do.. I have been told I might be a BPD. Do people with BPD typically fall in the category of Fearful Avoidant? And do fearful avoidant people tend to hook up with Dismissive avoidants?

[@spannycat2]

I was diagnosed with BPD but have since gotten it removed. But when I had that diagnosis I was fearful-avoidant. But now I have a higher opinion of myself and I am a Dismissive-Avoidant currently. I'm working on getting to Secure eventually.

[@dannywholuv]

@@spannycat2 sounds like youve a split personality

[@andelyse4665]

Should I seek Therapy before getting into a relationship? I've sabotaged my passed two perfectly fine relationships because I have Dissmissive Avoiddant Tendencies. I feel like a failure for not being able to withstand the feeling ny longer and regret brreaking up with my recent ex.

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

Aw I'm sorry you feel that way :( You're definitely not a failure, so many people struggle to form healthy relationships (myself included)! However, willingness to work on yourself is always a very good first step. If you think a therapist could help, go for it! For me, having an amazing therapist to help me sort through issues has been life-changing. I'm so grateful. Good luck, girlie, and keep your head up! You can do this!

[@uniquedavenport7232]

Yes you should seek therapy the fact that you can see you have a unresolved problem is a great start good luck to you

[@AshleyLebedev]

Yes

[@trailblazer7108]

Just got dumped by a DA after 2 weeks. Why? Who knows, but I think because I told her I have feelings for her, and was affectionate towards her. Those 2 weeks were living hell. I was thinking about her all day, wondering when she might respond, yearning for the slightest crumb of reciprocation.

[@sassygirl4728]

Can you do a video on why we sabotage our goals? Like we start and then we fall.

[@MsPaint1]

or why do I quit as soon as I see progress?

[@jonathanberkley6626]

Is there a school to earn a PhD in attachment theory that you suggest?

[@sara-dx3ix]

I tried so hard to gently help my DA partner even though he constantly sabotaged our relationship for 7 months. At my breaking point he promised to work on his attachment issues (he read a book) things improved on the surface but he still withheld his emotions and was unable to even be present when we were intimate. In the last few months both of my parents died due to Covid-19 and I have needed support and he found my emotions which are up and down too much and just finished our 16 month relationship we were supposed to be moving in together. Do you have any suggestions on how I could direct him to help only if he reaches out. I realise we are all personally accountable for ourselves.

[@freshlykissed]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. That is awful and you deserve the utmost love and support. I'm not Thais but if he does reach out I think you should be really clear about your needs. If he can't step up and be there for you I would encourage you to ask yourself why you need someone in your life who can't show up for you in the way that you need him to. Best of luck and hugs to you ❤️

[@SK-no2pp]

You should have very clear boundaries with him. I’m very sorry about your loss. He sounds emotionally unavailable, and cannot be there for you during these times. He will only get better once he himself decides he wants a healthy relationship

[@GeorgideMarne]

So sorry for your loss, that must be soooo tough 🤗. In my opinion it would be best for you to focus on your grieving process and not on your ex partner. Self care first ! Not your job to make your ex see the light.

[@twovthree]

Hugs, Sara.

[@sara-dx3ix]

@@ShawnFin the good thing about the people who watch Thias is that we all seek insight into personal improvement & growth for ourselves or trying to help others we care about that keeps our bar high where it belongs x

[@ad6417]

I'm an DA and not afraid of intimacy or commitment. I just get pissed off when 90% of my day is spent reassuring and validating my AP boyfriend. I have a life. I have work, duties, hobbies, and self-care. Love is a verb people. Get out there and DO LOVE. Quit talking about it.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

You sound just like my DA boyfriend.

[@JESUSG33K]

Here’s the thing…a big part of doing love *is* talking about it. Especially for APs, reassuring and validating is a part of helping them reprogram their wounds. I am secure and I know from experience that reassuring an AP partner is a pleasure, not a burden because I know that this is a part of me “doing love”. AP partners often become much more secure simply by having a secure partner who doesn’t see it as a burden to reassure them. The more secure they become, the less reassurance they need over time. Many DAs have unrealistic assumptions about what love really is. They often think that communication shouldn’t be needed in order to connect, and often associate communication of their needs and feelings (read: vulnerability) with bad news, negativity, rejection and harm. If you are DA, I would not recommend getting into a relationship with an AP (or anyone honestly until you become more secure but that’s another conversation). The fact is that you will always assume that if your partner is not DA, they “need too much” and that comes from the perspective of your patterning (“having needs is unsafe”). I have been in relationships with DAs as a secure and still have been seen as “needing too much” simply for knowing my right to have needs and asking for them. DAs: get some help please before you get into relationships.

[@ad6417]

@@JESUSG33K Fair enough but interrupting someone's workday to the point where their job is in jeopardy or becoming jealous of children is not healthy needs. At some point a person needs to soothe themself or get some help. Also, crying every time you tell your partner ILY is not healthy.

[@JESUSG33K]

@@ad6417 yes, I agree that all of these are unhealthy behaviors, and some sound like stalker-like behaviors. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and it’s clear that your partner needs help learning to self-soothe and self-regulate. Hopefully they’re willing to do the work that Thais & PDS offers!

[@marcd2743]

You don't sound completely DA, in fact, you sound kind of normal. If what you say about your bf is true, then maybe it's more of a problem with him.

[@Bee-sp2yf]

Can a DA tell someone they are dating they don't like them as a means of self preservation when they feel overwhelmed? As in, they like the person but their fear is too much so they say they don't (or, at the time, actually even feel as though they don't)?

[@jelenajakelic1909]

Yes, it is possible

[@Anna-sh3ir]

my da ex would tell me he pushed me away cause he was scared of his feelings and felt overwhelmed and unsure why he felt like that since he had "never felt this way about someone". to note only when he felt safe to do so (once i had pulled away and stayed away). In the "heat of the moment" he would say pretty hurtful things sort of like things he didnt like about me or why he was unsure of me. then coming back weeks later in different formats, truly all the ones thais mentioned in the recent video about DAs missing an ex or whadevvuhhh.

[@Bee-sp2yf]

@@jelenajakelic1909 what's your attachment style?

[@Bee-sp2yf]

@@Anna-sh3ir how long did he take to reach out? And how long were you together? I'm sorry he said hurtful things about you, that sucks :/

[@jelenajakelic1909]

@@Bee-sp2yf I'm secure leaning to AA (mix of both) and my bf is mild DA (we're both half secure) so we were sometimes struggling during our relationship. We were dating for 8 months when he broke up with me out of the blue. He said he's overwhelmed, that I'm too emotional, etc. He even said he doesn't want to be with me ever again, claimig we're "not for each other" because I don't understand his struggle with business (he has his own small company). Ofc, I was begging and pleading, crying etc, but I knew I had to do something so I've found some new hobbies, went to the gym and started no contact 5 weeks after the break up (I thought it was too late to fix anything). We were in NC for 2 weeks and he started to reach out to me. We are dating again, the break up happened on 18th of August and we were seeing each other for the past 2 months again. 🥰🥂 Everything is possible, you just have to work on yourself and do your best. Ps. I didn't even know anything about attachment styles before, my friend told me about it when I told her everything about my love problems. So now I'm learning and doing some progress to become secure attachment style totally

[@auroragismrles5849]

Thai, you talk a lot about DA from childhood, but I firmly believe my boyfriend is a DA from adulthood. Does that make him any different?

[@sandrae2319]

@@ShawnFin True. I think my ex became DA because of his previous relationship, especially because he told me he wasn’t like this before

[@shannond.5916]

I've read with interest people's comments about DAs. While the experience may have been disappointing to say the least, the statements are judgemental and insensitive in my opinion. Any DA reading this has two problems...being a DA and feeling like gum being picked off off the bottom of a shoe in disgust and tossed. Hmm, what is the DAs core wounds. Something is wrong with me. Hmm. Why do they have that core wound? Emotional neglect. Hmm. After hearing this, how does a DA feel like they even have a hope of recovery when they are the Phantom of the Opera?

[@laurabeigh283]

DAs are hurtful. Plain and simple. Accept it and either stay in yhat space or do uour work and move into a better space.

[@MK-dn2ll]

Yeh - as a DA, it can be hurtful. Makes the choice to push people away feel like the right one. But I'm also aware that KZbin commenters aren't the most rational group of people.

[@fractaldisarray1518]

​@@laurabeigh283 Yeah but DAs aren't the only hurtful people, AP are also very hurtful, we all need to work on ourselves and become secure. The point is, there's no need to throw baggage and horrible insults onto self-help spaces, those should stay safe.

[@onyxmoon4843]

Jaw dropped.

[@Oceansta]

DA: I need space, I'm having second thoughts about this relationship and I may or may not come back. AP: What?? Where is this coming from? We seemed to be doing so well... DA: Sorry, I changed my mind. Deal with it. AP: Ok, Im not putting up with is anymore. It's traumatising me and scarring me. I'm walking away. DA: You abandoned me! You rejected me!! Youre toxic!!!!

[@patriciapeeters7]

🙏

[@Zen4life-]

Thais question....can a DA be even more affected by a divorce where they were betrayed with infidelity? Can this cause someone's attachment style to become exacerbate and get worse? Becoming even more DA?

[@whoiamhowilive2746]

I'd like to know this too!!

[@staceylicata]

Not that i am an expert, but I'd say YES ABSOLUTELY! It just reaffirms to the already insecure individual that intimacy is NOT safe

[@marcd2743]

Absolutely. My DA ex got a lot more DA and messed up from her second marriage, bro was a psychotic lawyer who abused her.

[@Hookah_Horns]

From what I understand it might be the reason they're a DA. Not all DAs are that way bc of childhood. My DA ex had gone through a traumatic divorce as well and I'm very curious if she was already DA during her marriage. I've got a feeling her ex husband would give a very different account of what happened.

[@christyannceraso]

Yes.

[@gordona1076]

Do Aspies tend to be DA?

[@MercSolo]

The definition of Vulnerable: susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. Why is it SO important to the other attachment types for us to put ourselves in this state emotionally? How does meeting our own needs negatively affect our partners in any way?

[@AngelofHogwarts]

Because that's what bearing your heart and soul to your partner looks like. It allows for a deeper connection, an understanding of them on an intimate level so you know exactly what they need in order to be comforted, and what their weak points are so they can be worked on. It establishes trust and respect.

[@rl798]

I'm living HELL these days with someone I think is a DA and he is a Capricorn! What a combination🙄 Ugh😵‍💫.

[@Oceansta]

I have no empathy for DAs coz they lack empathy to begin with. They don't deserve to have your love if they are not willing to put in the work to heal.

[@scottwidiculous]

This doesn’t say how they do it

[@seguna]

I think the point is we don't sabotage, it's just a reflection on the stories we tell ourselves based on upbringing. DAs should learn to basically be kinder to themselves and no see themselves as defective etc

[@beccastroh8852]

I’m a DA and I couldn’t be happier not allowing anyone to ruin my life lmao

[@SuzieNewzie]

True but what is also true is that you will ruin your own life because nobody will put up with you for long

[@notmyrealpseudonym6702]

I suspect the term 'dismissive' to a dismissive ... is dismissed as it infers and reinforces, in the dis part of the word, exactly what they are trying to avoid. Perhaps Anti-missive, or anti-submissive, but more likely supra - missive or pro-independence approach would be a kinder frame. I'm good at independence and am unfamiliar with, and thus unbalanced on, interdependent grounded relationships is a workable frame to build from. I'm good in independence however if I increased my sufficiency in other forms of relating to self I could achieve more. Just brainstorming on the fly ... about myself.

[@KM-oj4jk]

Well, it's not like fear-avoidant or anxious-preoccupied are attractive names either. But I hear you, the labels are "charged"

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

Perhaps try on counter dependent? It's part of codependency just on the opposite extreme end of the spectrum. Might like to explore counter dependency. :)

[@patriciaowen5988]

If tried every thing I could with my life marriage I'm devoriced now.nothing worked.lot of people don't care .they say there doing there best but there doing there best 4 there selfish really fed up of labelling.