THIS is Why the Dismissive Avoidant Leaves A Good Relationship

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In this video, Thais Gibson explores why the dismissive avoidant attachment style (avoidant attachment style) may suddenly leave a relationship when everything seems to be going fine. Watch now to find out what the reasons are, either as a dismissive avoidant looking for insight or the ex of a dismissive avoidant looking for a possible explanation, as Thais provides some guidance and useful tips.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "How to Repair Any Relationship" for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:31 - Attachment Styles and What We'll Be Covering In This Video
00:01:46 - Emotionally Unavailable Parents
00:03:08 - As the Dismissive Avoidant Grows Up
00:04:27 - Flaw Finding as a Coping Mechanism
00:05:40 - Reason #1: The Fear of Intimacy
00:06:10 - Reason #2: The Fear of Commitment
00:06:53 - Reason #3: Struggles With Vulnerability
00:07:24 - Reason #4: Unrealistic Expectations
00:08:33 - What To Do
00:10:43 - Lifetime Promo
00:12:49 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
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[@fosterfoster9913]

They’re terrified of being with the wrong person. So, they trash the person that was good for them to go to another person who is wrong for them and get trashed themselves. Makes sense. I think I have the science down packed. Crazy world we live in.

[@0Demiyah0]

Yes, it often boils down to that. It is alarming for someone with unconscious avoidance to be with a good person, and much more comfortable to be with the wrong one. The anxiety and anticipation for the other shoe to drop, and expectation of manipulative and greedy personality traits to become exposed at some point, makes it quite triggering to be with a good person. They will subconsciously behave in manners that will elicit a confirmation that their cautions have always been correct. Being with someone who is expressively more in alignment with their negative expectations is a comfort in some sense, because their anticipation and the behavior required to dance around to deal with such a person is much easier, as it is familiar. Subconsciously we always seek familiarity, and it absent, can behave dysruptively to fuel these familiar dynamics to become reproduced. It is very tragic.

[@fosterfoster9913]

@@0Demiyah0 makes perfect sense. Thanks for the explanation.

[@0Demiyah0]

On that note, I consider myself in a good position. I really like my DA SO. Everyone who meets him agrees that he - though reserved - is a very likeable and respectable person. Everyone who sees us together reflects back at me how watchful and protective he is of me, and how clearly his love shines through his expression. Basically, most people root for us to get married, on both sides. He has tested me quite a few times when we're alone, to draw forth the negativity that he associates with love and emotional intimacy, but I think on the whole of it, I have dealt with it exceedingly well and without injury. I am a very confident and self-compassionate person, and I have a good "bullshit filter". Where I am confronted with my own hurtful stories, he has only illuminated to me where I am yet to refine myself, and I became SA in the connection with him. Where other people constantly doubt and trash their (ex) DA's, I am perfectly confident that he is deeply in love with me and admires me. He holds me to higher regard to any other woman. His trust in me grows, and the reciprocity and vulnerability between us grows. I think I really challenge his programmed beliefs around commitment and vulnerability, and he is losing his arguments why he should not rejoice in committing to me. I know that he is a very caring and generous person, and if he reaches his confidence, I will never get rid of him. He would take it so seriously to get married. In the meantime, I just gently persuade him and help him to make sense of his inner-conflict without being too overbearing about it. And since his environment also wishes for this, I feel like almost everyone is conspiring to give him that encouragement.

[@therocknrollcook]

@@fosterfoster9913 Perfect description ! After my DA dumped me in a disrespectful, cruel manner I eventually retaliated with my harsh texts. Yes, I stooped down to his level, after 7 months of being generous, loving and patient. They bring out the worst in us eventually!

[@0Demiyah0]

@@therocknrollcook I can imagine that it is maddening and why you retaliated. Sometimes we just have this incredible urge to blow off steam against the injustice, and it is overpowering. We want to take our power back, and also air emotions we were unable to express in the moment. I also got dumped once, out of the blue, in an incredibly cruel fashion. Thankfully it was in person, so that I could see in his body language and eyes how entirely OUT OF HIS MIND he was. I really considered it a deeply irrational conduct. That helped me a lot to stay reasonable and calm through the conversation, although my eyebrows arched up so high they could have flown away. After his Spiel, that left him almost breathless, I just said "OK, I accept it". They were upset with me, and doubted whether I truly loved them, because my reaction lacked all the break-down in tears, arguing, bartering and begging expected. I said: "that's because I love and respect myself". It left him baffled. Really, within 3 days they were not so confident about themselves anymore whether they made a good move breaking up with me. They behaved completely like a dumpee rather than the dumper. I knew all along that dumping me was self-betrayal to them, but well, some decisions do have consequences even if they were inauthentic. That kind of lack of emotional mastery is not something that would improve quickly. So, don't feel too bad about losing the connection or retaliating as a result. It has left room for people on a higher wavelength to come into your life, and perhaps to them, it will trigger something towards their character development. At least I can attest that dumping someone irrationally and against my true feelings is what started me to do PDS. This also makes me mild against the behavior of other avoidants, because I do get how fucked up it is to find out you were mistaken.

[@firefoxchibi]

"Leaving" can also look like "lowering their efforts and connection to zero so that the other person is forced to leave". The most cowardly way to do it, IMO.

[@luketimewalker]

dammit, you so nailed it

[@Shiann444]

Dealt with with my first DA this year and it’s actually what made me learn about what attachment style was. Most traumatic relationship experience I’ve ever been through 😂 everything started off perfectly for the first couple month but whew, the way they treat u after they have feelings for u is scary! It’s like they’re in a race to hurt u before they get hurt. We were kind of on an off for about 7 months. I would get fed up with the push and pull bs. He would be mad if I blocked him and left him alone but also never made it TOO clear that he wanted me to stay around. We’ve been no contact for about 2 months now. I do miss him a lot but I also know the relationship would never work out due to lack of vulnerability on his end sooo yea traumatic lol and will probably never catch feelings for a DA again… they need serious therapy before dating 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@AlexM-sg8fn]

Everything you’re saying is so scarily recognisable, Shiann! I thought I’d found the best girl in the world but all of a sudden, after 2 months or so, she turned nasty for absolutely no reason at all 🤯. Had never heard of ‘avoidants’ etc until this relationship but will be very very cautious in future now! Anyway, I’m done with putting effort into people like her. On a more positive note, Happy Christmas Shiann, hope you’ve had a good day!

[@hurricaneaquatics]

Don't go back, I know it's tempting. They have an uncanny ability to pull you back in and trauma bond you. It's an absolutely no win situation.

[@nannoreul]

You just described my life at the moment too. We’ve been just about no contact for three weeks. It’s really strange how he could tell me he loves me, then go ghost. Good luck on overcoming the ordeal!

[@sheliasmith2884]

​@nannoreul yes they are known for ghosting that's why I left mine in the cemetery.

[@AlexM-sg8fn]

@@hurricaneaquatics so true 👏

[@penniroyal4398]

1) fear of intimacy 2) fear of commitment- and “potentially feeling trapped” 3) fear of allowing themselves to become “vulnerable” 4) unrealistic expectations

[@martincarroll5405]

In other words, they're shit

[@AmericanDreamer]

Intimacy, commitment and vulnerability in relationship for DA is already unrealistic expectation! So clearly , they want a relationship without these above mentioned elements! Good luck with that!

[@penniroyal4398]

That’s why they stay with people they don’t love. They know their partner loves them, but they don’t love them back. It’s perfect because they can be friends and have sex without the fear of being dumped because they know their “friend” loves them but they don’t love their “friend so they get the relationship and sex they want without risking being dumped because they know their “life partner” loves them and won’t dump them but the DA can even “have an adult relationship with another person” and their life partner will never leave them. It’s completely crazy the mind games DA’s play on themselves and those who sadly fall in love with them 😢

[@schnee78]

Wow. I have all of them.

[@mariahmariahhh]

Sounds like a HORROR MOVIE! A bad one, on top of that! Don't be a part of it, never! Intimacy, commitment, vulnerability and realistic to no expectations ARE part of a healthy relationship!

[@jason_108]

Happened to me. Shocked my heart as all was good until boom.... wall of ice & sudden break up with zero closure. In the end I saw the red flags as roses & accepted. And now see it is my own trauma that requires such a harsh experience to know myself, develop boundaries & not settle. Her actions were a gift to me in the end.

[@JohnViguerie]

Yes. It's hard when a strong connection happens and you get a glimpse of a beautiful soul and her amazing potential, but... The DA can't handle the partner's desire for relational communication and gets triggered, causing a frosty disposition and escape behavior.

[@liit4m8]

A very mature take on the experience. Best of luck in your self-work. ❤

[@tgpomy]

Did she come back?

[@charlenelavalle2373]

Avoidant are the most unsatisfying and hurtful relationships. Because they don’t want to commit it also makes them run and cheat. 😊

[@marioct130]

I can understand why the avoidants act the way that they do, but, I am not going to sacrifice my well-being or mental health for them. There's nothing I can do to help. All this information does is tell me to avoid the avoidant.

[@theRavensRed]

I would like to also point out that having been in a relationship with a DA I also felt trapped when I would communicate clearly and be met with silence. It, too, made me feel like I had zero control over any aspect of the relationship aside from how I showed up to said relationship. Everything was in his hands. Though he would often fill his hands, and most heavily his DMS, with other people so I really felt helpless to do anything but be at the mercy of his will. I did the only thing I could which was walking away and it is messing me up. He was the first person I ever really felt forever with. 😢💔

[@shanewilkerson5128]

Exactly. She is an amazing person. Very giving. Want to fix and help people. But she ends up feeling lost and unappreciated no matter what I did to express how much I cared and appreciated her in my life. I fear she will move on quickly to fill that void with someone that is more comfortable in an unhealthy way.

[@JD-jp2fw]

I agree completely, as a middle-aged DA that has been isolated most of my life, my avoidance process is completely subconscious in the moment. It's only once I have left in isolation, i can process how I actually feel (it's very confusing when you can't communicate what you want because you don't know), and at that point the idea of confrontation and shame is overwhelming. The act of being alone or closing that chapter in your life is much more natural than sorting through the discomfort, regardless of how much you feel for a person. Full of good intension, but literally impotent to move forward.

[@warmhart2034]

I think this is what my middle-aged DA is going through atm. He knows we have a good relationship but in your words "feels impotent to move forward" and that's why he left.🙁

[@hildavermillion4646]

@jd Thank you for your brave transparency. You are on the road to healing and becoming a fantastic partner some day. Keep at it.

[@user-pt6ek3ew2q]

In hindsight, is there anything a partner could have done that would have brought you out of that avoidance or was it only going to be isolation that worked?

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

Can you begin to rest into the relationship...if it's a good one...if there isn't any pressure? And just take it a day at a time for what it is?

[@robinlipert1477]

I appreciate your honesty. However, if you know you do this, perhaps you shouldn’t date until you fix yourself. It’s not fair to the people on the receiving end of this cruelty and heartbreak.

[@aristark559]

its exactly what happened to me. 2 months in and out of nowhere, she pulled back. we loved each other, it was perfect, really. 4 months in and she left..... since then ghosting me..... the pain in indescribable

[@penniroyal4398]

It’s easier to judge another person than to be the safe person that your lover can tell their story to. It’s easier to judge another person than to allow them to share their personal journey. I know for myself I wouldn’t wish anyone to go through what I have had to. Maybe that’s why I can extend compassion to others. Just because I’ve gone through so much therapy to grapple with my childhood wounds doesn’t mean I am ready to tear another person down. You can’t understand what someone has gone through Unless you’ve walked in their shoes and listen to what the’ve been through. I’ve worn out many pairs of shoes. And apparently my karma is to be a safe person to help anther to sort out their own traumatic childhood. At 63 I’ve had many lovers and even married to a man for over 40 years. I have no regrets because I am stronger now than when I was much younger. I don’t take breakups personally anymore. I understand that it’s an opportunity for my personal growth and learn how different humans chose to live their lives and that I get to choose how to live my own life.

[@ashton1952]

❤

[@lisataylor-lf8bm]

Was in a 6 month with a DA he broke it off and found flaws that didn't exist. For 3 years we did the anxious avoidance dance as he kept me there in the hope that things would change, but it never did , which also opened pandoras box to attachment styles. If I had known about this when we met I would never have continued dating. I only recently finally told him to leave me alone after crying overtime we left each other I felt triggered. Even though I know it would never work whilst he refuses to do the work to heal his trauma. I feel like I've been left with the pain. But the relationship made me look at myself and self reflect on the choices I've been making. Value yourself. Understand yourself before you open your heart to someone who isn't capable of receiving love and know its not about you but their deep seated wounding.

[@flagirl0315]

It’s exhausting for sure. It’s so unhealthy. You can feel it without your being how out of balance and emotionally drained you are in the dynamic.

[@AmericanDreamer]

basically they teach you that you are better off without them!

[@penniroyal4398]

This is why DA will stay with a partner they don’t love even when they meet a person they fall in love with and then live with because being in a relationship with a partner they aren’t emotionally bonded with ensures they won’t get hurt. DA would rather get hurt on their own terms (leaving a relationship at the peak of attraction and love and control the outcome) then wait till the person they actually love “might” leave them some time in the future and then 1) loose control of the relationship 2) get hurt from being abandoned 3) open up the abandoned memories from their past they still have because they never dealt with this emotional trauma in the first place! Totally makes sense 🤔 better to stay with a person that they are not attached to then risk getting dumped by someone they actually could get hurt by 😢

[@rachhhh9722]

Ooh that's really interesting because I could never work out why he didn't love me but wouldn't leave me either

[@penniroyal4398]

My FA relationship ended when he lied to me then ghosted me by moving 3,000 miles away with his business partner that he was in a romantic relationship for years with when I first met him. He and I started a very intense relationship after they broke up for 2 years. Unbeknownst to me he was actually working for his ex still when we were together. He told me he was going on a biz trip out of state 2 years into our relationship and he was living with me. Turns out he was working for his ex all along, they had flown out of state together while he was living with me and she bought them a house. They came back and he told me he was going on a biz trip. He lied because he drove out of state to the house she bought and she moved all her stuff. They moved in together. He said he was on an extended business trip. I remembered his ex girlfriend’s name before our relationship looked her up on Facebook Book and she blogged their entire trip of flying together ( while he was living with me) the house she bought them and their moving in together. He pretended he was on his extended biz trip then eventually told me he was never coming back to me. I looked up his ex on KZbin saw their entire journey of buying house and moving in together. He was still calling me pretending to be on a business trip. When I found her KZbin about “them moving in together “ I sent it to him. He called and said it was all a lie. He then blocked my phone and I have only heard from him one time to tell me he wanted me to move on and date other men. He sounded like he was crying even though he was the one that did all this to me. We’ve never spoken to each other again and it’s now been almost a year. He says she’s a narcissist and lies about their relationship and yet he is still with her. He never apologized for lying to me or hurting me so deeply. Now I feel like he did me a favor to show me who he really is. He’s still with her even though he says he doesn’t love or even like her 😂( so obviously he is still telling me lies). I can’t wrap my brain around why he needed to create such an elaborate story when all he needed to say was, I was sexually involved with both of you and she had a better financial offer for me so I took it! (We know women do this all the time so apparently men do the same thing too but it’s very rare for the female to be the boss and the money maker and the man is the employee 😬 I don’t think any self respecting man would put himself in that kind of a relationship but that’s just my opinion. That is what being involved with a Dismissive Avoidant can turn into. Lies, denials and then ghosting. You can’t win getting into a relationship with a DA. I wish I had known about this personality disorder before I met him. You can’t win with this kind of personality trait. Eventually you are going to get burned because they don’t really care about you, it’s all about how you make them feel. I’ve grown tremendously through this ordeal and am stronger than I’ve ever been. It still hurts and I cry most days but I am stronger and wiser than ever.

[@user-bi3cv3cz5w]

Yeh the risk for vulnerability with someone you actually have feelings for is too uncertain. Can you even feel equal with them?

[@aristark559]

very accurate description

[@wendydaniel1110]

"Amazing " relationships are usually how securely attatched views healthy connections where there's love, safety, empathy, respect, affection etc. For D.A those are considered nightmares. Leave quickly Its an endless downhill rabbit hole from there.. Save yourself.

[@LaurensLifePhotoJournal]

Thank you Thais. I needed this today on Christmas. As an AP I don’t think I’m getting my Christmas Miracle with my DA but my prayer is he will see the HOPE that he can heal through your learned wisdom and Gods strength & love. Thank you for encouraging my heart today. I’m appreciative of your heart for the hurting people in this world. ❤

[@bradwilliams7198]

Sending prayers for you and your partner.

[@cdwilliams1]

I'm with you on this. Going through the same thing. I also don't think I'm getting a Christmas miracle. Comfort and blessings to you. Merry Christmas.

[@Lukearthwalker]

My Christmas Miracle is having the awareness that my DA will most likely never be the person she could be, either for me or for herself. In spite of this making me a bit sad now and then, it's still enough for me to feel pretty good about having moved though these last eight months with relative ease, at least in comparison to many stories I've read on these comment threads. As a result, I've become a little wiser and even grateful for the experience. Merry Christmas everyone.

[@luketimewalker]

@@Lukearthwalker hey, we're almost twins!

[@Lukearthwalker]

@@luketimewalker Wow, close indeed!

[@YT.26]

We dated for 5 months, after the 4 month we had the conversation, to become exclusive. he agreed. 1 month later, 2 days before the breakup, he suddenly said out of the blue that something was bothering him, but he also said, I'M PROBABLY MAKING IT WAY TOO DIFFICULT IN MY HEAD. He said he wanted children, but not for the first 6 years yet. He thought that was going to be difficult because I'm 38. I was flabbergasted, 2 days later after he mentioned this, he broke up with me. He wanted to know my view and opinion about this, I said that I am just open to children, nothing to worry about, everything will be fine, I told him. He didn't come up with a compromise, suddenly he was gone. He is a person who is not in touch with his feelings, he said in the beginning. But when he got to know me, talking about feelings felt easy with me. He felt seen and heard by me, he said. He completely followed me and almost always initiated the contact himself. To me it feels like he has come up with a reason to exit. Because after we became exclusive, the contact changed. Made less time, it felt like I had to pull him to meet up with him. Im so confused.

[@ivanfilatov7913]

that's more of a damn narcissitic tactic than DA...that's what narcissts do, disappear randomly and reappear.. get rid of her asap!!!

[@avie3937]

I am familiar with the odd, sudden changes in direction and confusion that you experienced from your partner towards the end. I hope you’re doing better and that you’re prioritizing your happiness.

[@YT.26]

@avie3937 i am, but it's hard. Every morning, i have a sinking feeling in my stomach. Can you share what the familiar thing is you talking about ?

[@marvelgurl1012]

Flaw finding for an excuse to walk away and not feel like the bad guy. "Well, it would have never worked out because I want kids on a very specific timeline and she can't give me that." You dodged a bullet, let him go. Moving on will get easier with time. Also, don't fall into the trap of focusing only on the good parts or his "potential" as a partner. That mentality kept me in a loveless, sexless marriage for years, just waiting for him to become the man I *wanted* him to be.

[@YT.26]

@marvelgurl1012 your right. I feel used. He should have mentioned it in the first month. Not after pursuing me for so long until i developed strong feelings for him. He was selfish. And i am hurting so bad. Think of him all the time, it feels like i will never get him out of my head.

[@gorantomas]

This is probably the best video on Dismissive Avoidant attachment style, I've seen thus far!

[@markcollins1012]

I was with a dismissive avoidant woman for two decades. I worked ridiculously hard on my anxious attachment issues, and got a lot better. I asked her to work on her issues. She could not overcome her vulnerability issues and blamed me for everything. She walked away with virtually no conversation or closure. Was heart breaking.

[@archonofvoid]

I'm sorry!

[@marvelgurl1012]

I've been there too. Was only 9 years for me, but it was so painful. Wishing you peace and healing.

[@KellieGormly-pe6qx]

I was in a similar situation! Just up and left one day with little explanation. It hurts badly, but we are better off without these people.

[@ashton1952]

@markcollins if the person blames you for everything, this is a sign of narcissism. The person could be a covert. Look for other things like isolating you from family and friends, gaslighting (manipulation where you start to think you're the crazy one) and other forms of abuse, when it's emotional it can be subtle too, and harder for men because society always wants to feel sorry for women in these situations whilst being harder on the men. It's real though, and we need to love on ourselves a lot to heal from that. Covert is not a joke, been there, escaped and recovered.

[@ashton1952]

​@@KellieGormly-pe6qxexcuse me? It's not nice to lable "these people" because you do not know each of us individually and sufficiently to make a generalization like that. Please do study the material available to be sure of what you're referring to, because half the time people are labelling anything that hurt them as the fault of all DA's, and that's unfair. So often it's also another FA or even a personality disorder that caused their problem, and nothing to do with the DA. Please refrain from casting judgement. Most of us DA are here exactly to try to learn and heal too.

[@forestcop2399]

This hurts. I miss her and the kids. I wish she'd known how much I loved them :-( This day is especially hard.

[@EightyFourThousands84000s]

Aw man I'm sorry hang in there

[@forestcop2399]

Thank you. Happy Holidays. Respect

[@jenbodhi1133]

They know, they just don’t care, they only care about themselves and their own feelings

[@0Demiyah0]

Thank you PDS for such a clear and comprehensive video. I healed my insecure attachment style to SA by being with a DA. I had my ups and downs with him, but I can honestly say he never wounded my self-esteem and I am a confident, self-respecting and composed woman today, even more so, because this connection illuminated for me where I am not there yet and I worked on that. There is not a shred of doubt as well in me that he is violently in love with me, despite he is not so far in his recovery to show that with the emotional regulation of a more secure person. I know that my presence in his life is something that he bears with both great joy and great pain, because I am challenging all the wounds and stories mentioned in this video. I still love him dearly and understand so intuitively all the struggles that he has under the surface that make it difficult on him to be fully present. This video confirms everything I already know.

[@hotpink3459]

Why did you break up?

[@0Demiyah0]

@@hotpink3459 we have had two stints where we broken up for a moment, once instigated by me, once instigated by him, but it only served to refine our characters and reflect on a deeper understanding of us. We're still together, and it's been a really good year for us. I hope we made it through the power struggle now. I at least don't consider it to be much of a struggle now, much more stable.

[@ashton1952]

@0Demiyah that's sad, I hope you guys can work it out 🙏

[@Stukkeman]

Flaw finding sounds a lot like the devaluation phase of a narcissistic relationship…

[@misschanandelerbong7946]

It doesn't have to be a flaw in the person so much as a flaw as to why the relationship won't work. For instance, I cut off a relationship because I knew I was going to be leaving town... In about a year. It never occurred to me until much later that if things worked out, he might be willing to come with me. Because why would he? I had never had an experience in my life to suggest that someone might care enough about me to consider something like that.

[@neen9438]

They are narcs...

[@priscillarodrigues7599]

today has been the most painful day for me got a text from after 15 days of silence just wishing me a merry christmas but seemed distant and i dont even know the reason why he keeps me at a distance and pushing me everytime. its veryy painful for me cos i really love alot. its been two years weve been on and off with eachother

[@careitina1412]

Mine is in 26 days of complete silence and no Merry Christmas text.If I never see any ,,Happy New Year " /,,Happy Birthday" on second Jan. ,I am breaking of my phone number card.

[@priscillarodrigues7599]

@@careitina1412 trust me getting a Christmas text send out to everyone feeling is even more worse I feel I'm gone back to day 1 of the breakup

[@misschanandelerbong7946]

Tell him that for your own good, you're going to ask that he refrain from reaching out anymore. He may not even realize it is hurtful. He may only be thinking, I don't want more but I do what her well, who doesn't like warm holiday wishes?

[@elisarose6393]

Think twice about making a life with this person. Imagine 20yrs down the line and it's your adult kids getting Christmas messages like this after months of silence. This is what happened to my kids and myself this year.

[@careitina1412]

Update-I didn't see any messages,and I did break the phone number card.I gained my peace back! Couldn't do this for almost a year.

[@LG-ly7di]

Thank you for this video. Im going through another phase of my gf going completely silent with. I don’t even know how many times it’s been at this point. She always comes back after a while and promises to do things differently, but always goes back to her same behavior within a few weeks. I’ve tried to educate myself on attachment theory, and have learned a lot! The hardest thing for me to grasp though is the fact that I can’t recall ever doing anything to make her feel like I wouldn’t meet her needs! I’ve even asked her what her needs are, so that I can meet them! She’s told me many times that she loves me, and wants to be with me! But afterwards she just disappears. This last time, we were talking on the phone, and she told me how much she loved and wanted to be with me. She disappeared for 2 weeks, not responding to any calls or texts. Which resulted in me being frustrated because all I wanted to do was understand what’s going on. She then responded as if she was bothered saying she’s be busy! What am I supposed to do, you haven’t said a word to me in 2 weeks.. And it’s not like we just met. We’ve known each other for years..

[@chiko7547]

did you talk with her about attachment styles?

[@LG-ly7di]

@@chiko7547 I have tried in the past. She admitted that she’d never heard of attachment styles. I even tried to send her a couple videos on the subject, but I doubt she really paid attention. Almost like I was being critical of her. Which I wasn’t. So, I stopped because I didn’t want to push

[@eddys.3485]

Plz don’t make the same mistake I made. Where we try and find reasons, answers as to why others are how they are. Otherwise you go years with a toxic situation. And you’re left craving them. Work on yourself and socialize, it is a great medicine. Set an ultimatum and stick to it. If the pattern continues then that person gave you a clear answer. Use logic to cater to your emotional end. You’re worth fighting for yourself. Becoming secure is a blessing. Take the space to do what you love.

[@screamingrat]

Best thing you can do is send her this video, break up, and hope for the best. As a former dismissive avoidant, I NEEDED to be single so I could use the time to work on myself. Once I really managed the emotions and own trauma, I was able to date again without creating a toxic environment for the other person.

[@LG-ly7di]

@@screamingrat thank you! I really appreciate the reply! I think ill do that for sure

[@ShadrockMarciano]

This definitely describes my ex, we got into another argument 3 months ago and I've gone no contact. I'm done and I truly want to move on. Ultimately, because of her DA style and unwillingness to work on it, we're just not compatible and she's not my person. Took me a while to come to grips with that but I'm at peace with it now. I'll continue to work on myself & I'll be mindful to look for more emotional compatibility. Thank you Thais, hope you had a great Christmas and that piece of artwork behind you is really nice!

[@jenbodhi1133]

Currently broken up with mine AGAIN too, I’m also no contact and I honestly feel relieved this time, I want to move on and I want out of this situation and this never ending loop

[@aristark559]

how long you been together?

[@northshorelight35]

This describes this person I'm currently dealing with to a tee. His parents neglected him as a child. He tends to enter relationships with aggressive, abusive, and judgmental women or women who unavailable. This way he never has to get close to them and doesn't feel hurt when the relationship ends. For two years everything was going great. We spent every day together and he was the one doing the pursuing and main initiating. Suddenly, at the beginning of October he ghosted me. When I finally got a hold of him, he claimed that he was super busy. Then he started breadcrumbing me. We've had two worthwhile contacts in which he acted like nothing happened. The thing is that I'm a secure attachment and I only date with intention. He knew this at the very start, which is why he was so attracted to me and pursued me. He probably just needs space. I'll take this into consideration if I want a project or not. We're too old for this.

[@AmericanDreamer]

you might be secure now but entering into a relationship with a man who is over his honey moon phase and now is consistently showing you that he's not into you, like, he does not want you and him to be a thing.. I mean, why is that something appealing or is it appealing to you as worth pursuing? If the dude has already told you a few times he doesn't want you,why don't you stop and go about your business and allow yourself to be together who knows, in how near future,with a man who reciprocates? Do you want one sided relationship? A project as you said.

[@Karll541]

I’m sorry you experienced that. That’s incredibly manipulative and immature on his part. I wish these FA people came with warning labels. I know they’ve had some trauma in their life but they use it to justify being abusive and cruel to you

[@ashton1952]

@north nothing easy about your situation; he has to come to the realization himself about what he wants in life (re. relationship) and how to get there, and to feel hope it's possible. Hopelessness is a big problem to overcome, I hope he can find a way how.

[@jenbodhi1133]

I started as secure and have become anxious because of this madness, it’s over now and I have to stay gone, this insanity destroys mental and emotional health

[@brq034]

This is so well-explained, thank you Thais. Your new book Learning Love is also great. The heartbreaking thing is that the DA has to be self-aware enough to want to change. I tried many strategies (going to therapy, assertive non-shaming communication, allowing them space) to become more secure in my relationship, but ultimately my DA ex never stepped up to do the work, or would improve a little, and then revert back to hot and cold.

[@shereses.3298]

Can you imagine that people feel disempowered when they have to work through differences.....like Beam me up to the parallel universe these damaged folks live on because anyone with common sense knows that resolving conflict brings healing!!!!! SMH, so sad that I dealt with a DA for a year and a half. As a recovering FA, I equipped myself with so much knowledge, tools/strategies, and other men do his job and supported me Emotionally...and still this Dude could not get it together. Now harassing me from private numbers and sending his friends to try to reel me back. ABSOLUTELY NOT! he had it so good, and worked so HARD to F*** it up. FOOLS, Broken FOOLS.

[@LosmitosdeDaniellefer]

Thank you once again for the invaluable information you provide us. Happy Christmas!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

thank you! you as well :)

[@roshalllambert]

I agree with all your points! very well explained!

[@krook527]

Very insightful. Clearly explained and relatable ❤

[@Katie8ginny]

One day I could see he’s so in love with me and the next we argued and he just left(me in pieces). That avoidant discard was so cruel especially when he moved on 2 months later

[@user-lb1ry4yp1z]

Exactly ! such Cruel

[@user-lb1ry4yp1z]

Why did I slap him twice Last Friday? My experience with “Avoidant Attachment Personality Disorder ” Well, maybe I'm different from most women, Generally: I never bother or MSG bomb to him, I never ask for hugs, kisses and sex, I'm a real lady Christian, that's all. He should't be feeling any pressure, but somehow he's still so upset the Sadness lies in:Every time we say Goodbye... I have a premonition that winter is coming again. Although my heart screams in pain like a wounded beast, my face always has calm and naughty smile - BCZ it's protect my own most respectable method! Moreover, he let Stood me up many times, and I accepted it with patience again, Although he Never explained the reason. But within 10 days, he Suddenly blocked me 2 without any reason or even just ONE word...He Turned into an Bottomless ice cave again___This barbaric and disrespectful act makes me fall down! In last Fri night (5.17) at my "Cozy place, North York fall", he even sent ambiguous MSG to his Bla GF in front of me (I don’t know is't true or not, BUT: APD are good at Lying or Acting), and finally, I beat him hard 2 slaps ____ It was the First time in my life that I had hurt someone. I could clearly see a few finger prints on the bridge of his nose! But it's strange, why is there no blood? I don't feel any guilt about it, BCZ he deserves to be repaired and taught a lesson like this,Hopefully he'll be woken up from now on:thanksdoc

[@aristark559]

how long you two been together?

[@user-lb1ry4yp1z]

@@aristark559 if u asked me ? we just met eachother 14 mounthes

[@gilliamm.5732]

Thanks!

[@dominikwolski9577]

Thank you Thais, still recovering from the breakup my DA gf surprised me with in August after we came back from a a rock show that we had both enjoyed. Hard to be ok again at times, even when it all makes sense now.

[@dr.florence]

Exactly this! He kept going on about compatibility and how he was worried about me being an extrovert needing to connect and him an introvert needing alone time. But he was super chatty and friendly in groups! And I need a lot of alone time for my own therapy and contemplation and work. This was a ruse or a pretext for different attachment styles. Compatibility is something you make together, npt a prerequisite: although EMOTIONAL ALIGNMENT and willingness to grow is a prerequisite for sure. - So he kept calling me "almost perfect", and from being his "best friend" and "we stay together for ever" I got demoted further and further and he used all the distancing strategies in the book to make his feelings go away. We had three minuscule conflicts in 5 months which we immediately and swiftly and calmly resolved. I thought it was magical how well that worked on both sides. In the end, he alleged it was these conflicts which made him withdraw. I said to him he was a DA and workaholic and he agreed but refused to engage in the thought of exploring that.

[@aristark559]

you are still together?

[@ciprianc7094]

I have seen DA that had suddenly stopped providing for his childrens while isolated itself, and ended up blaming his partner for this. I have seen DA unable to stop lying about obvious things even when the future of his live was depending of this. I saw a DA that was getting physical violent with his partner for the simple reason of asking them what is wrong. For all this I say f**k that, you have a single life, live it with someone that makes it worth it, and that is not a DA that is basically a mentally sick person, tolerated as for the fact that he can hold up appearances.

[@shanewilkerson5128]

I have been with an Adult child of alcoholic parents for 5.5 years She left recently and it is killing me. She showed me more love than I have even know from a giving sense. But when I didn’t meet and expectation it was zero. Relationship IN HER EYES was either 100% FANTASTIC OR 100% SHIT. She constantly called me a narcissist because I like nice things and I am a workaholic. Even told me I purchased her a 2 carat engagement ring to look good for my peers. I planned a Surprise 50th B-Day party. BIG MISTAKE. They don’t like surprises ZERO. It’s unsettling and uncomfortable. I gave her very nice diamond earring at the party. Again I was accused of being a narcissist!!!! I should have given to her at home privately!!! Said I was showing off and being grandiose and narcissistic. When she left, I started researching and BOOM! It hit me. It was all her childhood trauma. Now I want to help her even more, because I truly love her unconditionally. I don’t know what to do to convince her to seek therapy.

[@mr1m020]

This is yet again another brilliant video. Could you talk about why/how the dismissive avoidants tend to stay in the dating pool the longest? I read about it once in the book Attached by Amir Levine but I haven't seen it spoken about elsewhere.

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

I think it's a statistical effect: since SAs tend to get married and so on, they're out of the running, and the other styles are still battling it out on the fields of war.

[@pcdcma]

As always, thank you so much for this and other videos ❤ I can definitely relate as you perfectly described my last partner. I tried my best to make it work, with patience, openess and encouraging communication, but I guess you can only do so much and then rest needs to come from the other person and their readiness to open up and be vulnerable. I admit this relationship (and breakup) had / has quite an impact on me because I know that we have an amazing connection and that he is a good person. I'm currently working on moving on and healing, despite the fact I really know how good things were and could be. Thank you again and best of luck ❤

[@Lukearthwalker]

The end of your post... "I really know how good things were and could be". I'm certain they were good and that he was a good person but from everything I've seen, read, listened to and experienced personally, it could never be the way you wanted it, they are rarely capable of turning that corner without a tremendous amount of growth. Be glad for the experience and that you've cut your losses.

[@pcdcma]

@@Lukearthwalker thank you for your comment ♡ I know one day I will be able to look back and be glad things didn't work out. At the moment it hurts, but this shall pass. Your reply and words mean a lot more than what you can imagine right now. Thank you so much ♡

[@Lukearthwalker]

​@@pcdcma I appreciate your reply and wish you a rapid return to feeling good again. It is not an easy task to pull back from an amazing connection with someone that you've invested a lot of yourself into. For me, I've found these DA comment threads absolutely invaluable, there are so many others also having experiences of pain and frustration.

[@indigodp7]

Thank you Soo much for sharing this. I never experienced a relationship like that until I met him. It hasn't been easy for me to understand why he acted like that. But as I read the comments, It makes so much sense. Thank you so much for sharing.. 🤕🙏🙏🙏 it helps me a lot .

[@pcdcma]

@@indigodp7 thank you for your words ♡ it is a difficult journey and it requires a lot of patience. There are ups and downs and there are times when you feel you are making progress and things are getting better and suddenly the cycle begins again. It can be very draining over time and, in my case, because we already were friends for 10 years before engagingin in a romantic relationship, it stings quite a bit. It really depends a lot on the other person, their worries (also work or financial fears) and how much they want to open up. I wish you luck. Hope everything works out for everyone related with this channel :) ♡

[@Ausaini17]

I’m realizing that I’m an avoidant and just left a relationship and I’ve been really meditating on my choices and I’ve been on a bit of a tear leaving this stuff lately, but something feels off. I grew up in a single parent home but my mother is and was an absolute, open angel who I’ve described as being a true loving Jesus-like Christian. So I’ve always felt safe in opening up. I’ve also been in a few long term relationships with the goal being cohabitation then marriage with a couple of them. And I open up and I’m gentle with them I like telling my partners my deepest sad stuff and sharing passing thoughts and goals and fun future goals! So I don’t think i feel commitment? Everything else about avoidants that I’ve learned sounds 96% like me! Could I just be an avoidant and very tragically not liked this relationship for me? Tragic because we were friends for like 10 years before we dated for 4 years.

[@ashton1952]

Do you know within yourself the reason why you left? (Don't need to answer me but it's something to think about)

[@ckyung1312]

Wowza. Apparently, I’m a “DA”, and according to many, many comments on this video as well as many others, I’m a terrible awful person. Yep, DA is synonymous with “ITAH”. Buuut I’ve spent the past 12+yrs of my life isolated and single and beating myself up about the fact that I’ve never understood why I couldn’t feel settled in any relationship, like, what’s wrong with me?! The fact is, I endured horrific trauma and abuse as a child, and even after completing degrees in psychology and religious studies, I had no answers for my personal failures. I was never really a failure. Many, many DAs are struggling so please be kind.

[@misschanandelerbong7946]

Don't take the comments to heart - it seems to me that most are hurt people who are looking for answers, and they've diagnosed their exes as DAs when in fact they were just assholes. Or some seem to be anxiously attached and they always say "I did EVERYTHING" which to me is a red flag because no one does everything... I think what it often means is that they did everything they would want someone to do for them, but that's not at all what the DA wants so they feel like they did everything but in fact they unintentionally did the opposite of what the DA needed.

[@user-hx1lp6fc9r]

​@@misschanandelerbong7946how do you distinguish assholes from DAs, I think all these people are having troubles with attachment style and all the need to prove themselves better pushing down their damaged feelings

[@r_and_a]

@@user-hx1lp6fc9r "how do you distinguish assholes from DAs"? 🤨 seen many unironically asking that in the comments on videos *about* DAs apparently lacking the self awareness to see how *they* are exposing themselves as a-holes *any* attachment style can be an a-hole but people, *especially* APs, seem to love acting like DAs are the ultimate a-hole 🙄 interestingly according to pds APs are the *most* likely to be covert narcissists whereas DAs are the *least* likely

[@r_and_a]

agree *anyone* complaining they "did *everything"* for a DA *obviously* doesn't understand DAs & how *they* were as much of the problem in their relationship as the DA - if not moreso @@misschanandelerbong7946 unfortunately covert narcissists not only love to play the perfect victim in scenarios like that but often seek validation & supply in "personal development" spaces - i'm not even a DA & find it horrific as an FA in love with a DA for 6yrs with much of that having been quite challenging, i have empathy for those hurt from relationships with DAs but *not* for blaming & dehumanizing DAs i have *far* more empathy for DAs who often *rightfully* feel misunderstood which understandably but unfortunatelytends to further increase their "insecure attachment style" most of my close relationships have been with DAs for various reasons, especially as i find the dynamic *can* naturally encourage & reinforce working on become more secure for both of us imo anyone who wants to villainize others is *not* interested in *actually* growing themself (indeed, tend to already have inflated ideas of their own self if doing that) so makes sense they'd be threatened by it to be clear, don't mean "making sense" is the same as "being right" - just fits the patterns & motivations of particular approaches

[@r_and_a]

*thank you* for sharing your perspective as a DA 💜 especially as these comment sections can get quite toxic against DAs which seems particularly unfair & unfortunate since DAs are already less likely to publicly provide insight into their experience & their tendency to avoid conflict often means there's little counterbalance not a DA but most of my close relationships have been with DAs for various reasons including our dynamics (i'm an autistic FA with CPTSD 🥴) generally tend to naturally encourage & reinforce working on becoming more secure for *both* of us. so *please* know some of us *do* see & value the strengths of your attachment style i'm glad you know you were never really a failure & found pds - hopefully it's helpful with your continued journey 🌈

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

They say if the shoe fits wear it? Is it possible that some people's feet on this earth just will never find that perfect fit? Or seem to be having an incredible amount of hurt in the process of finding them, to the point of feeling like there's no hope while at the same time seemingly holding onto the edge of the cliff with a few fingers?

[@Smalltummywonderful]

I'm a dismissive avoidant person, that deals with anxiety and depression

[@karinteeples9715]

Hope you’re truly doing the emotional inner healing work so you can find peace within yourself and future relationships.

[@Smalltummywonderful]

@@karinteeples9715 well with what I have known about myself is that I have a disorganized attachment style, and an insecure attachment style. Once I am or get into a good relationship I start to feel comfortable to the point of secure attachment. I've been in therapy, since 2016. I feel that I have, and I just got back into therapy and counseling again. I am honestly starting to feel better about myself again

[@babayaga7230]

I GF of 2 plus years just ghosted me for the 2nd time and i just realized she is an avoidant….im done with this bs

[@Anandroid]

Man there seems to be nothing but negatives for DA. It’s like the final boss of a game on the headrest difficulty. What’s the point of pursuing any future with them

[@stephanie579]

Are dismissive avoidants more susceptible to having affairs ?? My husband just told me he was having a 2 yr affair and I am shocked and devastated … he is now in therapy but I am so confused as he withdrew from me and I was too distracted to realize it until he was involved with another woman … he avoids all conflict so when she pressured him to leave me he panicked and told me about his affair … of course I threw him out and he went to his AP but said he doesn’t want to leave me ??? What did the affair represent to him ??

[@iheartkristal]

yes, i’ve seen many videos of people studying psychology state that avoidants are more likely to cheat/have affairs. look up more content on it

[@fearlessavoidants5594]

I found out that I was the other woman to DA man once. Remember that an affair is still a *relationship* and if you can see that, that there was a whole other person involved, makes it easier to understand. Instead of "the affair" as an object, imagine if your husband said to you instead "I am afraid of you knowing my feelings and rejecting me, and I don't feel safe even telling you that." Because THAT is what they are saying when they have an affair. DAs will be who they view themselves as, who they wish to be, in the early parts of a relationship. They then don't have the emotional tools to actually be that person and they run and do it over and over again. My ex-DA also said the same thing to me as your husband said to you (I'm the one who found out and confronted him). He didn't want to leave me, and he didn't want to "lose her" either. He liked me because I understood him as an avoidant-type myself (FA). But he wanted the familiarity and comfort of his marriage - in his own words. He wanted "to make it work" and basically just freaked out that he didn't know how, and used me instead of doing the work himself. I still love him, and I know he still loves me, but we haven't spoken since. He's still with his wife. In the same situation, doing the same things, over and over. I can't stress this enough: your relationship ended 2 years ago. The most loving thing you can do is let him go and hold him accountable to his unavailability.

[@neen9438]

Just leave. You need to work hard for something you never did and isn t your problem. Trust is gone. Go for someone who will love you and is loyal.

[@tumbleweedconnection7906]

I'm dealing with this right now. She ended it 6 weeks ago after a group trip to Nashville that didn't go great. I missed one event bc I wasn't feeling good then got very aggravated the last night bc she was snoring so bad and I yelled once she turned that 3 day trip into the first and last straw after we had already been through one breakup in January but got back together in April and 7 amazing months we fell in love we both started thinking "this could be it " and I think she got scared and used my annoyances or short comings as reasons to run. It made no sense. Really wish I could send this video to her and have her watch it and say "oh wow this really resonates " lol

[@tumbleweedconnection7906]

@@willygates yeah my ex just chalked it up to "we're just not each other's special person " which is such a cop out to hide the fact she can't resolve conflicts struggles being vulnerable bc she even told me once she can't be vulnerable and she definitely towards the end focused on minor pet peeves and short comings. Actually said during the breakup that I don't use technology mainly bc I didn't have uber on my phone to use in Nashville when 2 of 10 people had to order one. And reamed me out over 1, 1 flipping degree on the air conditioner in the hotel room! Literally yelled at me over it.

[@chiko7547]

Im literally thinking about showing the DA girl I dated this exact video to see how she responds.

[@archonofvoid]

Absolutely don't act on your wish

[@misschanandelerbong7946]

You yelled at her? For snoring? I wouldn't stay with someone who yells at me (for snoring!) either. If you're willing to do that when things are good, how will you behave when the relationship is going through a tough patch? That's a hard boundary for me, and probably many women.

[@tumbleweedconnection7906]

@misschanandelerbong7946 for some context, she snored for 7 straight months and I never got upset but being in a hotel where I couldn't just go sleep on the couch and I was on my 3rd night in a row of very little sleep I said loudly "you're snoring so loud!" Not screaming at all I guess it was kinda yelling that was it one sentence Then when I apologized the next morning she said "it's ok" people get aggravated sometimes. And I was an amazing boyfriend for all 7 months before that I drove close to an hour almost every weekend to see her the drove everywhere we went together. Cooked her special meals brought her flowers for no reason bought her surprise gifts. Joined every family or friend group event didn't miss a thing. Was there for son's entire graduation weekend helping her shop cook and prep for the party having dinner after the graduation with her ex and his family. Went to her best friends brother's wake by myself on and on and all bc I love her and I never asked for much in return. So I am allowed to get aggravated once. And she'll never know what I'm like when the relationship is going through a tough patch bc the only two times she got upset she broke up with me. She isn't capable of resolving conflicts she just runs away at the first sign of an issue. My dad snored for years and years. My mother would yell at him to roll over lol its life.

[@tumbleweedconnection7906]

Man the 4 reasons explain my ex to a T. If only she could watch this and comprehend it.

[@GSTDISPLAY]

what about 2.5 years in?

[@maximustruth9547]

This is the Christmas day recorded message? It is so personal, Thais, that you taped this day?

[@aquaearthnfirequ_pinsnsavi1721]

Can two DA be in a relationship? And can one person be more than one?

[@viktortamasszabo6722]

It’s very unlikely that two DAs are being in a relationship because both is afraid of showing vulnerability and opening up so usually they end up not taking any steps to make it work. If one DA is less avoidant or healed more then the relationship can progress but it’s very rare

[@aquaearthnfirequ_pinsnsavi1721]

@@viktortamasszabo6722 thank you for clearing that up for me. Appreciate you!

[@ashton1952]

​@@viktortamasszabo6722it's possible, as a DA woman, we understand DA men better probably than women with the other styles. We don't talk about feelings like other women or get too demanding of our guy's time and space. Can work well especially if one partner is more secure, and if there's work to try improve on vulnerability etc.

[@armanzardast5848]

Thank you for the video but I have one question to ask, Can a person have the secure attachment style but with the DA act like an AP or AA?!! I don't seek validations but as soon as she pulls away, I saw myself in an anxious position where I want to just know what's wrong with her. If you make a video about this, I will appreciate it :)

[@katieandnick4113]

Absolutely.

[@jenbodhi1133]

This happened to me, I entered this situation as secure, walked away as anxious because of his ridiculous behaviour- they’ll ruin your mental and emotional health if you stay

[@juliehunter9915]

Oh my goodness, I'm glad I'm not the only one. Same thing happened to me and made me really question my attachment style. He shattered my heart.

[@burymeinbaldwin5896]

Is there comorbidity between dismissive avoidance and cluster B's? Do DA's use manipulative tactics to ensnare or bait?

[@neen9438]

They are covert narcies. But avoudants get a koochiekoochie name and treatment somehow.

[@Evi_Evi86]

​@@neen9438not true

[@karinteeples9715]

@@Evi_Evi86Yes. Das mimic covert Narcs very closely. My DA husband has genuine empathy/ shallow emotions towards his friends or sometimes his kids. Just never me his spouse. Narcs have absolutely 0 empathy so that separates the 2.

[@giovannij1368]

I agree. I feel like alot of time ,we act in a passive aggressive way, because we believe the other person "should know" what we want. Ppl aren't mind readers, we should try to be more direct. Only thing is, if someone isn't willing to do it, you have to leave them to do their own thing.

[@CorneliaMyrberg]

Is it possible he will come back?

[@GlitterPrincess74]

I ask myself that all the time. But the true answer is….do you really want them to? I loved him and cared for him with everything i had (i now realize this was a mistake) and he refused to admit he loved me back. Just tell me you love me. Everything else can be fixed but that….i can’t love someone who is completely unwilling to express love back to me. I deserve more out of love than that and so do you. It’s easy to want them back…it’s harder to take an honest look at it and how our needs were met. They weren’t. So why fight for someone who can’t do enough work on themselves just to say “I love you”. I don’t want him back. I love him but I’m worth more than being treated like shit. Find fault and go. It’s heartbreaking but I’m only letting him break my heart once. I’m not reeling him I’m so he can do it to me again. I hope you find someone who can love you out loud!!! I’m not stopping until i do!

[@sifublack192]

As a DA myself, I'm still surprised about many of these apparent classic behaviors. Having risen above the approval of others, being direct and transparent has become so natural to me it's second nature to me. The flaw finding is interesting because I've always given people the benefit of the doubt (like my ex who was an alcoholic) so long as they're making an effort to change the behavior(s). I admit this can be to my detriment in a romantic relationship. The intimacy and vulnerability aspect always confused me because not only do either of those things have a clear definition, it seems to mean something different for every person. My exes, close female friends, and even FWB would often say I was "unemotional" or "couldn't read me" even though I told them everything. When I asked them what they meant or what they wanted to know that they didn't already, they could never tell me. Based on what they COULD tell me, they simply wanted to see me be reactive to everything, but I'm simply too stoic to move with emotion rather than logic. All that said, I like the communication aspect. It's one of the main reasons several of my relationships ended. When I expressed my thoughts or concerns in the relationship, they'd often downplay what I was saying, play victim (start crying and say I was trying to break up with them), or accuse me of trying to manipulate them (as if not wanting to spend money I don't have for something they don't need is manipulative 🙄). Perhaps it was me learning to speak fearlessly from my heart that allowed me to stay away from these traps associated with the dismissive avoidant. 🤷🏿

[@0Demiyah0]

I am SA, but my dominant insecure attachment is FA/DA. I relate to your remarks about vulnerability. I consider myself an open book, willing and able to get deep into topics that can be quite distressing and effective at verbalizing my emotions, however I have a high sense of self-respect and composure. So despite I feel I have a sensible approach to openness, I am not so deeply reactive, and people say it is hard to read me.

[@sifublack192]

@@0Demiyah0 yeah I always thought I was pure DA until I started delving deep into understanding attachment styles. I'm much closer to SA than DA, but my stoicism makes the other attachment styles uncomfortable, particularly APs (most of my dating partners before I understood attachment styles) and to a lesser extent, FAs (my mother). That said, I agree that intimacy, vulnerability, and emotional connection are all subjective to each individual. I don't even bother trying to figure all that out anymore. I speak fearlessly from my heart and leave all the emotional connection, vulnerability, and intimacy on the woman. She's going to decide whether or not those things exist in the first place anyway. 🤷🏿

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

I'm curious, if I may ask, does a relationship with a DA woman work better, since you are both on the same footing and modes of thought?

[@sifublack192]

@@GeoffreyAngapa hard to say for sure, but if I were to take a wild guess I would say yes. DA women likely have hobbies and interests (I consider it a BIG red flag if a woman doesn't) that keep them busy and can handle their own needs. This would in turn take the pressure off of someone like me who is a business owner and can't be available 24/7 to entertain her. She would also likely appreciate my stoicism and logic based mentality as opposed to complaining about it and expecting me to be emotional and irrational about things. She would also respect my need for space and solution oriented problem solving. The best part is that since I never ask a woman to be exclusive (unless she brings it up first), she would be able to develop trust at HER pace which in turn would make her happy.

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

@@sifublack192 Thanks for the detailed response; it's interesting. I think patience and going slow are certainly key in any relationship.

[@madlen3015]

How do das feel when they want to come back but u dont let them back?

[@ashton1952]

Pain

[@alanrodriguez210]

Rejected. And they leave for good most likely

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

Is it possible that it is me though? Is it possible that many people are dealing with certain ones are more chosen ones than others due to reasons of anatomy? And that possibly people aren't courageous enough to admit the certain truths?

[@shaeb2315]

If this is a case and the person moved away and used that as a way “out”, is there any way I can communicate this information when I chose not to be friends?

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

Or one hand

[@tarkov666]

How come no focus is put on the people that get discarded like trash?

[@erin24101]

Who cares 🙄 just be glad they did .. I have a child with one and he’s the worst human I’ve ever met in my life

[@zachstewart7233]

Broken woman know how to love but not who broken men know who to love but not how

[@ggggg4030]

Pretty sure I married one. She bailed, moved away.

[@erica2105]

My DA was very passionate at the beginning and...he stopped wanting to have sex with me almost immediately after he said he loved me for the first time. 6 months later we are on and off because he says "there is no chemistry"

[@AmericanDreamer]

then why be together? He said it himself ! Be free, Erica! He clearly is not into you,not after the got whAt he wanted to get from you! Because that is all he was in for. Unfortunately, but at least, he has been showing you that ! Trust the actions (or lack thereof) not just words alone!

[@themagdalena]

This is me. I want someone who amazes me, contributes and is 100% reliable and trustworthy. I can provide it myself, so why should I compromise with one that is a clingy, needy, me-dependant liability.

[@chimom5635]

F…cked up 🙈

[@RaySmithWeb]

If I could only get my DA Ex to just sit down with you and work through things.

[@PB-md3nt]

They don't want to. They thrive on the drama, and want to blame you for everything that went wrong.

[@iyeshabarrie]

This is incredibly disappointing and earth shattering to know. After weeks of watching your videos I have literally no words as to how unfair life can be and how things will never work unless we all heal what is within. My Da ex meant a lot to me but the complexity of his behaviors and the way they trigger me now proves a love that will literally be from a distance. very sad.

[@rachhhh9722]

If an avoidant has done really hurtful things how do you convey to them the extent of what they put you through if they Stonewall or try to ignore things ? I don't want to argue or get emotional but I just want him to know and realise that he deeply hurt me and it was unfair

[@nomadcarpenter8549]

You can't control another person's actions. You can't gently guide them if they are willing. Unfortunately, some people just aren't willing

[@misschanandelerbong7946]

What do you want out of it? An apology, acknowledgement? A change in future behavior? Etc. I think being very clear about that can be helpful. If someone came to me and said, "you really hurt me," I wouldn't know how to react. Maybe I would apologize, maybe I would try to explain my intent (which was almost certainly not to hurt), hard to say. But having some guidance as to what YOU need from that conversation could benefit you both- you can with towards a defined goal, and the DA can know what exactly it is that you need from them instead of them groping around blindly for the correct response and feeling like a failure for not providing it.

[@user-hx1lp6fc9r]

Don't know about your DA but after some time of my relationship I started pushing my girlfriend away, picking at her, trolling her needs and concerns, physically abusing her, and afterwards I felt so ashamed of myself that I couldn't move or talk to her normally. Im sorry it happened to you I think it is hard for people like us to admit our fault because we think that it will ruin the relationship and that it is a weakness rather than strength

[@ashton1952]

​@@misschanandelerbong7946best answer 👏 lost exactly this when we don't know what they need us to do

[@aristark559]

yes, its very unfair. i tried to communicate, before i knew about attachment styles. but she just said " i cant and im sorry i cant give you more" "i dont have energy" " i cant give you what you deserve" - all the excuses, you name it. - now that i now about bonding theory, would it change? i dont think so. and i never find out, because she ghosted me :) so already the conversations before were too much. if you start with this bonding stuff, they run even faster :D

[@its_supreme]

these videos are so repetitive

[@neen9438]

Because da s dont learn and their 'partners' also 😂😂😂

[@danijackson1107]

DA need Jesus and to be nuns. 💯

[@FNC84]

I could care less about what you saying but I must confess, I can't get off your channel. You are dangerously gorgeous 😊🤗🤗🤗.

[@YouilAushana]

You seem extremely rushed and uncomfortable. The ideas don't seem to land in their sticking point.

[@neen9438]

And the insecure fry... Annoying af

[@dickwhite7046]

Be vulnerable??/ You mean set myself up to get hurt again. Anybody that wants to know what hurts has the intent of hurting you. There is no intimacy when you trust on one. I will be this way forever, I know no one is coming to save me, or even cares. I'm in this world alone.

[@0Demiyah0]

What I hear from your story is that you do not trust YOURSELF to navigate social relations and attach to people who are trustworthy. If you are not attuned to your own emotional vulnerability, meeting others that you can be vulnerable with becomes luck of the draw. Because if you do have this emotional intelligence you would be far more intentional at forming bonds where it is safe to share more deeply about yourself. Ironically enough; avoidance cannot be healed until you learn to risk your vulnerability and allow others in to hear you, see you, validate you, comfort you etc. So with your guardedness, no, you will never truly know yourself and no other person. It sounds like a condemnation to live a hellish life to me. Faced with that choice, I chose to be brave and grab the bull by the horns. I healed my avoidance and I ONLY have safe and trustworthy relations with people where vulnerability is permitted and acceptance is the norm.

[@therocknrollcook]

@@0Demiyah0 love your courage and balls. ❤

[@LitBroBeats]

Damn playa I hope you can find the peace you deserve

[@dickwhite7046]

@@LitBroBeats deserve has nothing to do with it

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

There are many many good people out there who would never intentionally hurt you. I'm so sorry you've been hurt by others. I don't think you would want to be saved. You need a friend who is safe, who accepts and loves you for who you are and who you can learn to trust. We are nit meant to be alone in this world!

[@Nomad.Hawk_87]

The more i understand how DA react and where their actions come from, the easiest it is for me to let my love and tenderness for them flow in... 🩷 i really deeply love my person... he's in my heart and will never be replaced... i want to understand to the fullest so this relationship can work better... thank you so much Thais for all your beautiful work and deep understanding, and for your generous share !

[@mstea2234]

Maybe you need to read the accounts of the avoidant victims on this thread. If you have to suppress your needs and feelings to align with his, maybe it’s not worth it. She’s not advising you to be a doormat.

[@GlitterPrincess74]

@@mstea2234that’s exactly what I did. I set myself aside and like this commenter, did everything i could to make him happy but it was ALL at my expense. I had to throw out twice as much work and vulnerability just to get things as far as they did. He did nothing. That’s what they love about us….we’re open and loving and do all the emotional work basically with ourselves. Like we do the work for them so we can be happy. My problem is I’m verbose and just want to make him see he’s in love with me. Which he is yet won’t deny it but he won’t say it either. It’s heartbreakingly ridiculous. (My person not DA in general) I’m ridiculous for even trying. I know this now. He’s never going to be the man i deserve. I think he’s being merciful by pushing me away. Unlike this commenter, I’m not sticking around to be treated like shit. I can treat my own self like shit lol.

[@NormanInAustralia]

Thanks!