How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?

Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramshackle homes.

[@abyssion8]

Y'know, this video is actually stating important uses for the newspaper. Like how WOULD we make paper mache, and how WOULD we keep paint off our floors?

[@roddydykes7053]

Q. Sirius they definitely sell paper by the roll in body shops, with a strip of tape attached as a bonus! And classrooms can use any scrap paper

[@Tyronejizz]

There is enough paper in waiting rooms to cover the earth in paper mache.

[@Languslangus]

Asbestos.

[@fghsinging]

Toilet paper.

[@creepyjimcrowjoebiden9293]

Newspaper is the best at soaking up grease at fish fry's

[@Humanoidfreak]

Wait. hold on a second. Did Clifford go through with it??? We must know people!!

[@Anastas1786]

I realize, of course, that your comment is over three years old, but I want it on record that I would pay through the nose to read Clifford Banes' autobiography. If nothing else, it would be rewarding to find out how exactly he keeps his job.

[@abr1304]

Yes he did

[@Barneyismyname]

It was probably the scumbag that murdered his father

[@Humanoidfreak]

@CR that old story eh?

[@timopper5488]

@@Anastas1786 Maybe he pays an advertising fee for them to say his name on each broadcast, therefore promoting his extracurricular activities.

[@GorgutsFan1998]

"no other living person has set foot inside my house for fourteen years" felt that.

[@mrniceguy7168]

*living* person

[@nosuchthing8]

During the pandemic, yeah

[@TheNightshadePrince]

Hoarding human bodies is hardcore hoarding, Leonardo da Vinci kind of crazy. :)

[@macbeasty]

"I acknowledge the stackability of newspapers"...I died at this part.

[@AlanOfAmine09]

"...because stacking is a treasured pastime of Loons, something I've dreamed about my son being able to do once HE loses his mind...". ROFL, classic ONN.

[@turkey2003]

"We already subsidize Amtrak for the benefit of loons" god i wish they made new episodes

[@matthew8153]

With timeless jokes like these they don’t need to. But yes, I also wish they would.

[@matthew8153]

The gaffe prone Biden videos have definitely stood the test of time.

[@Magic_beans_]

What’s wrong with Amtrak? I love riding trains, in fact here’s my scrapbook with all my ticket stubs from… Oh.

[@BigWinn]

Soon

[@MaxPacheco]

It's scary that for once this does raise a legitimate concern of what we'll use as a source for the many physical uses of newspaper we've come to rely on once they're gone.

[@goodstuff8156]

Oh no what will we make papermche out of! Oh the horror.

[@korbo2796]

we'll use paper

[@tomaspabon2484]

@@korbo2796 regular paper is garbage for making papier-maché

[@kooolainebulger8117]

here we go the onion, coming in with the stories that deserve the spotlight

[@puppergump4117]

What else to light campfires with? Normal paper?

[@Draginvry2]

"You cannot insulate your clothes with animal bones." LOL, where does The Onion come up with this stuff? It's hilarious.

[@Thanasis_Koligliatis]

At 1:46

[@abyssstrider2547]

Well, weirdly enough paper is a very good insulator.

[@abyssstrider2547]

When dry ofc.

[@goodstuff8156]

How is that funny? That’s just a fact.

[@gogousa6661]

And HE gets to be a lawyer?! What a sick joke.

[@IanR1205]

“No, we already subsidize Amtrak for the benefit of the loons, costing the taxpayers millions of dollars.”

[@KateReadsBooks]

gold every time.

[@Anuj-2]

Its been 10years

[@KateReadsBooks]

@@Anuj-2 I stand by it

[@Anuj-2]

@@KateReadsBooks Glad to see you here after a decade. Have a good 2021 and beyond.

[@DanishAhmed3]

I was wondering why you might have had a million subs. Lmao it was this wasn't it: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rH2Wf3qZntWEb5I That's so funny lool. Big up to all those kids who watched and most likely even subbed😂🙌

[@martinhawes5647]

“Internet news is completely unreliable” I’ve always found the onion’s future predictions completely reliable.

[@augustday9483]

To be fair, that statement was already true by the time this was uploaded

[@goodstuff8156]

Neckbeard comment

[@goodstuff8156]

These people are like children, they are afraid of not being led around like sheep. It’s pathetic

[@goodstuff8156]

“Oh no! A interconnected group of companies all working for the government can’t control what information people get. Oh the horror!”

[@sjisjsissk]

@@goodstuff8156 that is exactly what is happening on the internet you dunce

[@kreaturen]

Man, I miss these :D Why did they stop?

[@HotCuppaCoffee]

kreaturen - In short; Poe's Law, and loss of Brand Identity. People couldn't tell the difference between the Onion News, and Fox News.

[@mimmar3891]

+HotCuppaCoffee Sadly, that is probably actually true! It seems like pretty much every day on Facebook there is someone reposting satire as actual news. But I really miss these videos, which are absolutely hilarious!

[@PwnZombie]

Oh fuck off. Its so easy to criticise fox.

[@a_literal_brick]

kreaturen the lying media couldn’t stand an honest news source

[@nickgula6512]

kreaturen Clifford banes came back

[@dimoolia]

I'm dying from completely unprompted "Big piles of printout fall right over when your cat jumps on it" from Robert himself, as if it's something desirable and he's raising a good point in defense.

[@pavarottiaardvark3431]

Clifford Baynes has the wildest life.

[@Baconator-ou6kj]

clifford banes has seen it and done it all except for being a talkshow host

[@pavarottiaardvark3431]

@@Baconator-ou6kj he does. In one episode he hosts while wearing a perfect Juliana Mckennis mask

[@SillyPuddy2012]

IPads, Amazon Kindles, and other computer tablets!! That's what I've been stacking in the corners of my apartment for the last six years. I have piles eight feet high, in lieu of newspaper stacks.

[@matthewwelch8839]

SillyPuddy2012 shit give me some

[@RadioForYahweh]

Smart man

[@ibieiniid4240]

they make for very solid piñatas.

[@adh0c468]

Yes, and for those loons wary of the costs, you can get broken ones in bulk for next to nothing.

[@zuutlmna]

Although I'm a "reclusive old loon," I hoarded special interest magazines, journals, books. Never got into newspaper hoarding. I got my daily dose of newspaper from the 24/7 lunchroom at work, where there would usually be several copies of the big three Bay Area dailies scattered or stacked on the tables: The San Jose Mercury News, The Oakland Tribune, and the San Francisco Chronicle. One of the guys that lived "out in the valley" would bring in a Sacramento Bee several times a week. So it was 'newspaper heaven' in the lunchroom!

[@HO1ySh33t]

modern loons stack anime figurine on top of their shelves and wed virtual girlfriends.

[@Paddy-zn4oo]

7 year old comment. Still 100% accurate

[@chtholly8084]

Modern loons go to sporting venues where you are trapped in between two sweaty unpleasant yobbos chanting altered nursery rhymes and swilling cheap shitty beer for over an hour whilst you watch some steroid-jacked men run around a flat rectangle throwing or kicking balls into netted holes.

[@spectre7877]

@@chtholly8084 modern loons watch TV about people watching tv

[@Catchcheese]

Oh boy that aged well

[@starchy101]

Old loons stack up on plates and dog figurines

[@VinceTaglia]

Wow, 806 lbs of lives. That's like 2-16 people!

[@heroofmalta9158]

I think this one has my favorite Clifford bannes story

[@lennydagostini5845]

"can you stack your family?" - Michael Falk.

[@dhardcastle88]

Lmfao. "When my son becomes a loon." Classic satire

[@LuFFyStRuM]

"something I've dreamed about my son being able to do when he loses his mind" :D...

[@jakobc.2558]

"No other *living* person has stept inside my house in 14 years." ( 0:53 ) Why did he add _living person_ when he could have just said _person._ I have a bad feeling about this.

[@matthew8153]

What has Clifford Baines been up to?

[@augustuscurnow]

Went to the comments to say this same thing LMAO the details the onion adds are always great

[@kxmode]

Where do you think the "crazy" part comes from?

[@WeeWeeJumbo]

old people collect dead friends

[@giverdend1416]

Well, ghosts might've paid him visits.

[@zeigbert1743]

As a loon I find this very troubling. What will I stack now???

[@damienhine1861]

1:23 "Internet news is completely unreliable." Coming from the onion 😅

[@immortalsun]

Yeah, that’s the joke.

[@Mashruz]

What you mean? Onion is trust worthy.

[@saviorofseals5111]

technically this was TV news at the time

[@akshaytiwari4994]

What is this supposed to mean?? Onion is as good as they come, better even, if you chop it and add it to the rice.

[@adrianedawndawn]

"Something I've dreamed about my son being able to do when he loses his mind." Haha, his look!

[@PhilMoskowitz]

In 2020 the whole suffered from the lack of old hoarded newspapers.

[@Josh_James76]

This is my favorite vid, on the Onion. I have a friend that I love so much, that lives in Traverse City MI! She is in her 50's and she has newspapers all over her house. Very funny. Then I get back to Detroit and found this video and sent it to her. To appreciate this video, you need to know someone who hoards newspapers! They are fun people, though!

[@ontledingen3348]

Good comment, person from 7 years ago.

[@johnjordan3552]

Requescat En Pahper

[@NoirTheSable]

As a college student slowly going crazy in his studies, I agree. I mean, yeah, sure, used ramen cups, dozens of beer bottles, old textbooks, and porn mags make for adequate clutter for now, but what about when I graduate? Right now, I just pray that there will be at least one newspaper company left so that I can sit in a dark corner, take their papers, rip them into little squares, and fold thousands of little cranes while muttering curses under my breath when I finish my studies and go insane.

[@zeigbert1743]

Speaking as a loon, I'm so thankful I've been hoarding newspapers for years.

[@kxmode]

But have you been lining your clothes with it?

[@MatthewTortora]

“We already subsidize Amtrak for the benefit of the loons” god I love old onion

[@nosferadu]

You cannot insulate your clothes with animal bones.

[@Thanasis_Koligliatis]

At 1:46

[@changer_of_ways_999]

0:52 She's so enchanted by his loon antics.

[@coffe4meplz]

I have hoarding disorder and this is my favorite In The Know sketch, it KILLS me every time 😭 The Onion always knows how to make fun of people without punching down at them but laughing along with them

[@DrJ-hx7wv]

Disorder? You're just insulating your clothes

[@Mr_Valentin.]

How are you fellow loon ?

[@8__vv__8]

The trick is to convince yourself you only need to hoard one type of very small thing so your lifetime collection of eyelashes fits in a shoebox

[@zaphodbeeblebrox9225]

He did say no LIVING person has set FOOT in fourteen years.

[@AugustusLarch]

"we already subsidize Amtrak for the benifit of the loons" That is gold.

[@johnstamos5948]

I once worked at a thrift shop with an old loon volunteer. She had a wall in her house collapse from how many newspapers were pushing up against it

[@matthew8153]

You mean she replaced her wall with news papers?

[@nonofyabidnez5737]

The Onions really does ask the best questions! xD Also that woman kills it every time!!

[@MildMisanthropeMaybeMassive]

Seriously though... as the child of hoarders I'd like every news press in the world jam and catch fire. Except the Onion's. Newspapers were the obsession of my dad. He even threw out rare stuff of mine that was in perfect condition such as my Olympia SM3 typewriter and FamiCon to make room for the newspapers he never read, scattered and things he retrieved from the sidewalk. My mom on the other hand buys bulky appliances she never uses and holds onto things for friends with more space than us.

[@8bitminer]

Hope things are better all these years later

[@MildMisanthropeMaybeMassive]

​@@8bitminer Eh...the Onion stopped printing their periodical.

[@8bitminer]

@@MildMisanthropeMaybeMassive I… I did not expect a reply 13 years later

[@KickboxingKangeroo]

love the park where the old guy just starts stacking paper lmao this show should replace real news on tv lmao

[@Mashruz]

Hi, how r u?

[@milascave2]

My mom was one of those old loons. When we visited Seatle she took home five copies of the same free newspaper.

[@a_literal_brick]

That old guy though...🤣

[@Kamil712]

'Internet news is unreliable' - True, except for the Onion News Network!

[@Kasarii]

I wonder if this Clifford Baines guy has a Twitter account, the amount of information his coworkers have about his activities is truly astounding.

[@EduardoEscarez]

Search "In The Know - All Excuses for Clifford Banes"

[@holysword876]

about 6 people died if my calculations are correct

[@matthew8153]

Are we talking about Norse Gods at 6’2” and plenty of muscle or Roman Gods at 5’4” and slender?

[@holysword876]

@@matthew8153 Just used average weight, so the sickly anorexic Roman Gods

[@johnjordan3552]

What?

[@holysword876]

@@johnjordan3552 maybe look at the above comments?

[@avocadomonkey4892]

Onion Reporter Michael Falk: "Can you stack your family?" The Onion is the only new source addressing access to stacking issues. The Onion also highlights how newspapers underpin so many other national activities. Over here, pet owners prefer newspapers to line their pets' cages and other areas because of the softness and soakability of newsprint. Flower packers prefer shredded newspaper to other types of recycled paper (like office/copier paper) because of softness. The Onion really needs to do a longer investigative episode on how the decline of the newspaper industry will have a reverberating impact across our economy.

[@walidkhan616]

During the whole coronavirus and with news papers in the shitter because of it this has never been more funny and relevant .

[@dilibau]

So did Clifford Banes have the guts to go through with it?...

[@DemonicAdj]

"You can not insulate your clothes with animal bones!" Has popped into my head pretty much when I think of grabbing a sweater.

[@goodstuff8156]

Don’t worry, 12 years later and I’m still collecting news papers.

[@Ozmodiar6]

For real, newspaper is good for cleaning mirrors and windows, and drying the insides of damp shoes

[@tommygunjonney]

Cliford Baynes = bad ass

[@likeabunnie]

John Bennett... If he had the guts to go through with it ;)

[@phatrickmoore]

Shooting spree claims 806 pounds of lives

[@GBXS]

Clifford Banes has one crazy life, that's for sure. Admirer-able is that he somehow still finds time to call it in to his employer.

[@Eggs_hatching]

newspaper dissapearing is really hard on artists lol. i am always looking for it for paper mache and protecting floors from paint

[@BelleFlower15]

Lol I love The Onion because the titles of the videos always sound like really bad, cheesy jokes, but the videos always pull it off just perfectly. Something about seeing people rationally discuss crazy issues is so funny...

[@jmhill24]

“I acknowledge the stackability of newspapers-“

[@varsityathlete9927]

modern internet loons do this by having far too many tabs open and 1000s of unorganized bookmarks

[@RichoRosai]

Holy shit. No one has been in my house in 14 years either. And I haven't been to anyone else's house. My life is literally worse than an Onion parody.

[@jackreid2664]

I'm legitimately gonna have to start collecting papers after this. My eyes have been opened.

[@SomethinSik]

This will affect my mother deeply....

[@srddnrsmn7320]

"Shooting spree claims 806 pounds of lives."

[@DakinRinone]

I acknowledge the stackability of newspapers

[@Goodbrew84]

I've accumulated a significant ipad collection slowly filling my house. I just wish apple put more memory in each one so I can save more news articles before having to get a new one.

[@VineFynn]

The amtrak joke is priceless

[@kxmode]

As an old loon, I’ve got stacks of old bookmarks for websites and pages that no longer exist. Do I clean them out? Nay! I say. They might just come back someday. I must keep the lighthouse going to guide them back home safely.

[@LogoDojo]

Hahahaha!!! Jokes on You! I live next to a library! 😭

[@Comrade_Jason]

"No other living person has set foot inside my house in fourteen years." Guy is living the dream.

[@Jordan781]

I love that they use "loon" like it's a technical term. :)

[@kokosagina]

2010: end of print media 2024: the onion is getting a print subscription

[@sweetpary]

Lmao, I knew the guy with the crazy beard was a "loon" even before he announced it.

[@-Kal-]

So true. I had to clean out one of those houses.

[@TomDaly943]

"We already subsidize Amtrak for the benefit of loons" - lol!

[@agorismo_na_pratica]

This is why my county adminitration prints and sends county newspaper every month, now i understand...

[@jackwright2894]

"Stacking is a treasured pastime of loons" 😆

[@NoOneReally111]

I agree with Dr. Robert Woodson - DAMN!

[@DecisionAvoidant]

Easily the single funniest Onion video I've seen. It is joke after joke!

[@TheCloud175]

“Internet news is completely unreliable.” - The Onion

[@outlawkelb]

the first time i watched the onion i thought it was real, messed up my head for a whole day.lol

[@hoosierarcher]

One of the best yet!

[@SonglyWryt.Bon-Burr]

I remember this loon from movie 43. He was great.

[@cliffordbanes1548]

Thanks, Julianna. I- I couldn't do it...

[@gotboar]

Finally news worth hearing

[@VaughnCampbell]

I JUST SAID TO MYSELF TODAY, i would only ever get news delivered for its uses such as camp fires and stuff. WHAT ARE THE ODDS

[@baygrl518]

Amen. Glad to know that I'm not the only one who gets bugged by this.

[@ewan7283]

David’s face after he asked ‘You’re a loon?’ 😂

[@averyellis]

Exactly! I can't line my catbox with Internet!

[@bgbreakdown]

That's the spirit!

[@Uniteusall]

I am way ahead of the curve. I stopped stacking newspapers a long time ago... now I stack bodies.

[@bobby123greenhalgh]

@rewhing You're correct. This talk about the death of the newspaper because of the internet is merely meaning the death of the national newspaper. Local Newspapers are still safe and will continue doing the same.

[@dingers5days]

“I love newspapers as much as any half-crazed packrat hermit…” The writers of this segment absolutely adored flowery, verbose language and it’s so great

[@kittyonmydesk5532]

Gotta give some credit to the lack of "not everyone has access to the Internet" before my Internet goes over again, lol

[@OutaTowner]

The very end where it says "shooting spree claims 806 pounds of lives"

[@xsr740]

I depend on newspapers to cover the floors when i am trying to paint something. lol

[@neingagging7747]

There's a fine line between a loon and an archivist.

[@saadmanh]

"You cannot insulate your clothes with animal bones!"

[@wom_Bat]

Gold! Where is Clifford Bains now!

[@mjnelson91]

I acknowledge the stackability of newspapers.

[@skylar5257]

One thing these people obviously forget is WTF am I going to wrap my shit with when I’m moving. Blankets?!

[@Thanasis_Koligliatis]

Shooting spree claims 806 pounds of lives I wonder how many people are these pounds?