How Your Birth Order Shapes Your Marriage - Dr. Kevin Leman

Your birth order reveals some important clues about your personality and your relationship with loved ones. Dr. Kevin Leman discusses how birth order can affect your marriage. He reveals which pairings are the most complementary, and which ones might induce more conflict. Everyone is made uniquely, and Dr. Leman wants all couples to lean into their birth order strengths to make the most out of their marriages. At the end of this engaging conversation, we open the floor to the audience so that they might ask Dr. Leman specific questions regarding the subject matter.
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[@eleanorbest7495]

My husband and I are both first born and have been married 51yrs. I chose him due to the fact he was a Christian and we both went to the same church. He has always been my rock but we both think our way is best. It has been a challenge at times but I tend to give in more than him. Our marriage has always been our main focus. He was also a Marine when we got married which fits in with his need to have his way and I understand. I feel so safe knowing we will continue to grow old together ❤️

[@Rebecca-ci3zc]

There are always exceptions. Dr. Lehman is talking generally speaking or ‘most often’ that these things are true.

[@1954mill]

Very similar story❤

[@rosiefroese5461]

So inspiring

[@ZendelAtkinson]

There's no such thing as a perfect marriage or relationship; they're all unique. What makes one person happy might not make another person happy. But I've learned that there's always a way to solve problems. Five years back, my wife and I were almost divorcing because we had problems in our marriage, but we managed to work things out. It was a hard time, but we got past it.

[@SERIKAmrabat]

I get why what you're saying is so important, and I honestly want to be happy too. I'm in a relationship, and even though we're apart, I can't imagine my life without her; my love for her is strong. I really want her to come back, and I'm fully dedicated to making that happen. We've tried different paths, like therapy, to fix things.

[@ZendelAtkinson]

Moving on from someone you hold dear is invariably challenging, but in my experience, I was guided by a spiritual counselor who prevented the breakdown of my marriage. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.

[@SERIKAmrabat]

Thank you for this advice. I'll promptly start searching for her online. I appreciate it. I'm optimistic that pursuing this approach will also lead to favorable outcomes for me; her absence weighs heavily on me.

[@ZendelAtkinson]

You are Welcome

[@blewis41]

I’ve always been interested in birth order. It’s not an exact science, but birth order is more about family dynamics and roles than anything. Each child is born into a different family.

[@bredbornraised808hawaii4]

Ive ALWAYS ALWAYS been introduced by ny 2 older siblings to there friends (im the youngest) as their “baby sister” in my much younger years id get so offended and blurt out “im not a baby!” LOL even to this day im hitting 50y/o in a few months and Im STILL introduced to people by my sisters as their baby sister. It use to be annoying in my adolescent and teen years but now as a grown woman i adore it and will forever keep and hold that title❤️

[@annemccarron2281]

I hate titles like that! My mother and my sister were called that & milked it for everything they could. They both acted like "babies." They behaved like they were too dumb to take care of themselves. Others gave them money, did things for them, made excuses for their rude behavior. People often encourage the "babies" to never grow up.

[@jareya]

❤❤❤I love that you’ve embraced it

[@maryqcarnes4482]

Not fair. We refer to our youngest as just that, or as our 2nd daughter.

[@denisedwyer4929]

Girl same here...😂

[@laraoneal7284]

It’s much more than birth order it’s more the way we were treated by parents and the role that is assigned to us by parents especially if they are narcissistic toxic parents. The first born gets it the worst

[@sandyjuntunen4088]

Not true at all.

[@sandhya797]

3rd born. I got the worst. Especially after dad passed away..

[@cherylbarrel9966]

That was my experience as a first born

[@katierojas8066]

I was the youngest of five kids and I had it pretty bad. Was never taken seriously or thought of as capable or competent. I have gone low contact to almost no contact with my family and every time I enter back into communicating w them, that dysfunctional parental dynamic from my parents comes into play. I can’t stand it. I went on to become a therapist and family still thinks I know nothing. So it’s better I don’t communicate with them.

[@sandhya797]

@@katierojas8066 also we can help people only as far as we can go

[@mallredtgpr]

I’m a first born. But I’ve had learning disability and difficulties in my growing up years. That I gave my birth order rights to my sister the middle child. I’m still older but I listen to her like she’s the first born. And she definitely has a first born kind of personality too. I married a first born. He’s definitely as you described! And UGH!! It’s so annoying!!!!! Edited:::::::::: OH!!!!!!!!! My mom was not only criticizing and critical of me the older child. She was abusive towards me. Not my siblings. ( because I definitely frustrated her as an ADHD child, before there was a diagnosis for this). So it makes sense why my middle sister is the “older sister”

[@tgeetoo9451]

Peace be with you, my dear.

[@sfurlong0712]

I'm the youngest, 8&9 years between my siblings and myself. I was raised a bit different due to the gap. My sister was at flighty and went on to 6 six children out of state, brother was doing him so i got the place of I guess the oldest position. I love them but sometimes we have to adjust to placements.

[@vnedecim]

🎉Judgment pushes you apart, feelings bring you together.

[@ef5842]

I liked the insruction here. Dr. LEMAN was very helpful.

[@focusonthefamily]

It’s encouraging to read your positive feedback, friend! If you need any help, please feel free to call us at 1‐800‐232‐6459. God’s richest blessings to you! -Mia J.

[@lauraIngleswilder74]

Disagree

[@vickyfrazier3981]

I read his book, first born here. I read myself, it’s great for understanding yourself and it makes you aware in order to smooth things in a relationship.

[@bzyblonde10]

Happy Summer! Love these videos with your folks!

[@nicoleee1980]

I miss Dr Lemans podcast. His wisdom speaks to me.

[@Gohgoh2023]

Thank you . This is so helpfully!!

[@jessieekukole7182]

This is understandable. We are a lot about our environment. It does condition and wire us into different perspectives and personalities. And that all begins in the family setting so this resonates with me.

[@Anniepat2340]

I am the youngest of four and we are pretty close in age, I am not a manipulator and I definitely am the organizer of the family!

[@denimdevotionsme]

I read his book around 20 years ago and always share birth order with people I know.

[@mistibowens4352]

Same here! So powerful!

[@syebethel]

Me too. So glad I read it before I had children.

[@Veritas20008]

@@mistibowens4352 totally disagree with him.

[@aaronaakre9470]

My hubby and me have been married for 22 years both first born. He is 4 years younger than me. He is my little brothers age. He had 3 younger brothers. He is a PK. This is both of our second marriages. He had one kid I have one kid. The kids as kids when together fought like cats and dogs. But would defend each other to any other. I was single mom for 13 years.

[@tamiboley1529]

What a great book. I need to get another copy of it.

[@AccountabiliTei]

My husband is the eldest and ONLY boy no matter how you slice it. He has a step dad and a step mom - all girls before and after him (10 women siblings). I’m the youngest (baby) 2nd born girl and have 1 older brother. I was the kid who usurped my brother in most ways because of my mother’s critical eye. It pushed me to get the heck out and do something, anything, well. He took longer to get started but is doing well now! Even though I keep telling him to demand a raise he deserves 🙄😂, he is doing rlly well. I’m super proud of him ❤

[@KS-zc4jn]

Oh my goodness! My husband is a firstborn (critical mother) and he won't look for better work or demand a raise either. He is content with a job that does not pay him what he could earn with his skills. He finishes his work faster than the company expects by an hour or two. I asked him why he does that since he is paid an hourly wage. Getting the job done faster does not give him more money. He said that he does it just because he can, but he also mentioned that if they ever downsize, they will keep him. Which is true, I just think he should get paid more because as an employee that consistently does more than his coworkers, he gets no thanks for it.

[@BabalwaMusekwa-bm8oq]

I read the book a year ago - I found it interesting. I am excited to come across and watch this discussion...

[@JCASS24]

Amazing 👏🏼

[@joycenjoroge7230]

Im so excited about this..i always knew this in my mind, I'm a second born who knew i can't get married to a 2nd 3nd or 4th born i got married to a 1st born and the relationship is so easy.

[@janbansemer4269]

Brilliant book & explains a lot for me,being first born with a parent, who tended to be critical. I do think ‘sins of the fathers’ etc is so true but knowing what Kevin writes about could avoid this scenario.

[@idid138]

That's interesting, about the critical parent! I always wondered why my oldest sister didn't seem like a 1st born but my second sibling sister completely does! My grandma lived with my parents the 1st few years of marriage & hear she was a pretty critical lady... Interesting.

[@almav4739]

I don’t agree… I’m the last born but I am the one my parents trusted to lead all my siblings and I was the only one they listen too.

[@hzlkelly]

Some last borns are like firstborns. Even biblically.

[@zivaughn]

He said that if at least one parent is very critical of the older sibling(s) then the younger sibling will leap frog over the older siblings because the older siblings end up feeling incapable due to the heavy criticism. Sounds like your parents may have been less critical of you than they were of your older siblings.

[@muma6559]

Mrs Uppington........ lolol... love it !

[@allitish9404]

I think he’s trying to say he supports her but it’s in a different way but he’s got some interesting points and I really like that he says not everyone is the same he’s talking generally

[@vahneb7260]

I started listening skeptical, but this is so true. I am my father’s first, second child for my mother. My husband of 37 years, is a first born.

[@amandachamberlain3169]

I'm intrigued by this and would love to read the book. I think broken families makes this much harder to delineate though, especially since there's a decent amount of nuance already with age gaps and parental differences. I am an only child of my parents union, but my dad had a son before me in another marriage (whom I didn't know) and my mom had another daughter after me in another marriage (whom I helped raise). I was also a middle child in the blended family of my mom's second marriage until that ended and I was back to firstborn status. I have a firstborn personality with some mixture of other traits, my mom was also hyper-critical and I was expected to be adult-like very early in life. I'm terrible at giving encouragement to people I know well, a problem I really want to fix. My husband is an only child, but his personality doesn't fit into any category neatly. I guess I wonder how much is nature vs nurture.

[@erwinbrubacker7488]

Plain speech is easily understood.

[@kathydonaldson863]

I have said to a co-worker before, "Of course I know how to get what I want, I'm a last-born." Although I don't get really stubborn unless I absolutely know I'm right.

[@user-ig9ri5er1c]

I am an only and I do agree…my mother used to say it was like talking to an adult when we would talk ….even as a young child.

[@annieharrison851]

I am the 3rd of 4, the 1st of a set of twins, but was raised as an only child by my grandmother. I am 41 and have trouble trying to figure out my role--even in my work.

[@caitmlp]

I can see the relstuon of birth order to character. BUT SO MUCH of it is temperament, I think. It impacts it a lot.

[@TheRobbieflower]

Interesting - I'm #6 of six girls. My parents gave up having a son, and after me, adopted a wee boy. Relating to much of what Dr Leman said.

[@nunyabb]

12:21 critical eye parent Child will be discouraged

[@ashleyjones4323]

I've found it interesting that when I meet people from Africa and Asia, they tend to introduce themselves by including their birth order. We even see the emphasis in the Bible with Jacob's children, and the births of a few other figures. It really can tell you a lot about a person's personality and why they behave and react in certain ways. I wish there was more info on people that come from blended families. I am my dad's second youngest after being his youngest for 11 years, and my mom's oldest. So in a way, I am the oldest, middle and for a time, the youngest simultaneously.

[@pisicacutecat4869]

My husband is a first born and he is exactly like Dr Leman described. I'm 3rd born girl and let me tell you I was a feisty little thing. 😁 😉

[@rhondaharris398]

My dad was southern but we lived in the southwest. I was third daughter followed by only son. When he would introduce me he would say " this is my least one..." As a child i of course understood the non southern definition of" least."...and needless to say it did a number on my head. I get it now...always wonder if dad ever figured out what was happening. I am definitely the textbook middle child

[@laraoneal7284]

Too many parents have children for narcissistic reasons and covertly hold them in contempt. Look at the criminal cases we’ve had in the last 5 years. Parents murdering their children left and right. I can barely keep up with all of these cases.

[@amirahp1690]

My parents were very critical of me growing up.. makes me understand why i always fail at life...

[@boomer1049]

I was the youngest of 16 and everyone was very critical of me. But it brought a spirit of fierce competitiveness and eventually drove me to success! But the key is learning to take your losses and learn from them!

[@esthertschetter9544]

Not your parents fault. ( blame it on your mother thinking). You could be plain lazy. All kinds of people make it in this world. Life is tough.

[@teddyboy252]

Kevin is wise

[@katierojas8066]

Birth order roles can be switched up.

[@kristine6996]

I was the youngest of the family of both of my parents and my own and it shaped all of my life. At twelve I should have left, I tried but they prohibited it. I walked through a different beat of the drum, for sure.

[@elaineproffitt1032]

I ran away every week when I was in first grade. My mother hated me and told me so all the time. I had two younger brothers (I'm the firstborn) who were treated so very different. I washed walls, store on a stool and did dishes, folded laundry, and took care of my brothers. My mother said she didn't ever know what to give me for Christmas so I always got a board game, even though I had no one to play it with. My sister was born when I was 12. My parents put her crib in my room so I could get up and feed her during the night. As she got older I was made to entertain her, playing board games, picking her up from school, and taking her along on my dates. She was spoiled like my brothers and hated me to the very end (54).

[@idid138]

I wonder how this applies if you're a kid in a large family?

[@KS-zc4jn]

I could be wrong, but for the purpose of birth order, I think he counts everyone in between the oldest and youngest as a middle child (unless there is a 5 year or more age gap between the person in question and their OLDER sibling(s). Then they would be considered (personality wise) a firstborn.

[@sharonfurey4019]

I didn't find this birth order as recognizable in my family. Nine siblings, I'm middle..oldest is boy, next is girl and neither carry the first born traits. 3rd was a comedian who was handed some first born traits. I think when one parent has mental illness it can change a few dynamics.❤

[@reynoldsje]

My husband and I are middle chidlren. Been married/together for 21 years!

[@korneliawegrzynowska667]

Interesting , I can see similarities

[@kathrynsmalley7480]

I'm like 3 yrs apart from older sibling. There are 4 of us total. I've always felt like a tag along and one with no prominent opinion. To this day I don't take criticism well from some. I feel like a first born with last born tendencies ..

[@pejisan]

I wish he would talk about twins!

[@rehemakiiryam3456]

Vitamin E💯

[@michelletaylor1900]

He said "Encouragement" not praise

[@deborahkyarasiime2148]

I am no.7 married to no.5, so I don't know what that means to my marriage

[@valeriestaggers5923]

Ha😅

[@timiburke7133]

Birth order research highly confirmed! 1,2,3,4 then starts over. 12 kids? 1234,1234,1234

[@wufflerdance9481]

this doesnt really match up woth my parents and siblings or hubbys parents and siblings

[@valeriestaggers5923]

Who came up with this birth order equals personality and your destiny?

[@hzlkelly]

I’m a firstborn married to a 4th born 💀 yaaaaaah

[@ilenievanstrijland6180]

We are both first Borms and have a list that we both made and tick everything off😅 😂😂😂

[@allitish9404]

But no spell check? Not very first born 😂

[@annabanzon313]

What about only child? Same as first born?

[@tgeetoo9451]

8:30 in describes only child

[@lilysgram5886]

Double - first born and only.

[@Sulaeyes]

I agree with so many things said here. Of course there are differences in each family, but children looking to see where they fit in and adapting to their environments makes perfect sense.

[@jenautumn214]

What if there were miscarriages before I was born? I am a middle child but my mom had 2 miscarriages. Am I still a middle child? 🤔

[@KS-zc4jn]

No, your personality would likely be that of a firstborn since you were the first child to be born.

[@jenautumn214]

@@KS-zc4jn actually…. There were 2 miscarriages before my older brother and sister. So I am the 5th? And I have 2 younger siblings after me.

[@KS-zc4jn]

@@jenautumn214 For the purpose of birth order, I think it clumps everyone after the first and before the last as "middle" children. I do not think the miscarriages "count" in that sense since they never had a major influence in your life (other than knowing about them). Not that they weren't important, just that they weren't physically around.

[@jenautumn214]

@@KS-zc4jn so I am considered to be middle child still? I am sorry for asking too many questions and I appreciate you so much!

[@newbeequilter]

@@jenautumn214 I'd say you're a middle child with older and younger siblings. I'm 4th born in a family of six children. I fit the middle child description as he explained.

[@iameatingflowers]

what about the youngest?

[@one-step-at-a-time-curiosity]

Amen.this is why we need to study the Bible continuously

[@bg56838]

I have no idea why you don't, but so wish you'd enable Closed Captioning! The camera kept roaming so I couldn't always see Dr. Leman's face when he talked, which would have assisted hearing. But without Closed Captioning - I was lost most of the time. A shame.

[@focusonthefamily]

We're sorry we don’t have the resources to add captions to most of our videos at this time. Our digital team is working on this. In the meantime, please know that there are written transcripts for most of our programs here - bit.ly/3MQHyr0. We hope this is helpful.

[@jodiwest7957]

You might be able to play with your KZbin settings and find CC. Also, KZbin generates a timestamp transcript found in all the info on what you’re watching.

[@nadiavanheerden1979]

Not agree. My sister is the oldest and she's not the perfect list maker ect. She's messy and don't care. I'm the middle child I want stuff to be perfect I'll make the list, make sure everything is doing write. My husband and I are both middle children and still so different

[@rosec8101]

He said that can happen if there is a critical parent. So what happened to make your sister that way?

[@brendagriffin6742]

You had reversal with older child way patents relate has effect too

[@ericafielder8134]

wonder about only child

[@adougher]

I'm the baby, but my sister was 20 years older. Does that make me a first or a baby?

[@katierojas8066]

I would like at the traits you have and possess. Do you have leadership and a take charge mentality? Or do you feel incompetent, timid, not take seriously by family or others? I think you get the picture.

[@muma6559]

12:50 not at the first-born's expense, but because the first-born can't, for whatever reason

[@jaykay1488]

That part is literally my life story, my dad is a very critical eyed parent and his very often criticism messed up my self esteem, I am still doing ok in life though 😁😁

[@muma6559]

@@jaykay1488 that's great to hear, never rely on their opinion

[@mirib5007]

Haha your first born attributes…you didn’t know my older brother.

[@nunyabb]

10:34 💀 your husband hates your questions😂

[@peacefu1]

I'm first born and my parents weren't anything like what you are saying.

[@donaldakosior9840]

Not to acerbic, in my family of ten children

[@allitish9404]

Oh wow this is not true about first born and middle child for me, I am like my Dad I don’t know what my sister came from..she certainly did not leap frog 😂😂😂😂

[@sarc951]

Clean out the bank accounts and get finances in order

[@ShurlanRagoonanan]

This does not speak to me

[@katierojas8066]

I’m the youngest child like he is and there are things I can not relate to. I’m a list person and quite responsible. I’m also a take charge type person and can be quite serious. But I do have unflattering traits if they youngest born with feeling not heard or taken seriously by others a lot of the time.

[@aleciawimer8506]

If the first child was a stillborn, and you were born next, are you a first or second child?

[@joycenjoroge7230]

Second born

[@eleanorbest7495]

​@@joycenjoroge7230 first born

[@banditwithmoxxie]

First born personality because the stillborn child (so heartbreaking) was not in the family lineup to exert their presence or personality. This essentially makes you the first born.

[@aleciawimer8506]

@@banditwithmoxxie I’m the firstborn of my dad, but the second born of my mom.

[@Sara-cb6fb]

1st born dead, 1st born alive

[@esthertschetter9544]

I wouldn’t listen to it.

[@maryreevesblessed]

The birth order is less relevant the more children there are in the family as well as the gender mix and the responsibilities growing up.

[@muma6559]

If you watched William and Kate, often they were videoed competing in something against each other, I found that odd. As you say Dr Leman, marriage is NOT a competitive sport. Thank you. Indeed, a healthy marriage is not.

[@lilysgram5886]

I wonder if it’s because they are both first borns??

[@muma6559]

@@lilysgram5886 yes, it's how they were raised which is not healthy at all. First-borns are no better or worse than any other people. And the sad thing is that they are not prepared to see their younger siblings do well. That was their parents' job to do to raise them as equals in value. Parents cater to culture that is of no help to first-borns. If parents can't love more than one child, only have one. Only-childs have exponentially a better chance than a first-born competing. For example Kate wasn't strong enough to carry that burden of being "better" than her siblings. But she had to be by hook or by crook.

[@rebeccaveloz3331]

People are brainwashed into believing this lie. We are all unique and we determine our outcome not our birth order. Gid did NOT make us that way!

[@JacquelineHahn1]

I got to 3.29 mark and had to quit. This is so culturally biased and so American it just did not resonate at all with this Aussie girl from the bush

[@angieposso695]

The author is American after all 😂. It rings true for me and my family and we are from Europe. I’ve read the book and it applies very well. But cultural influences definitely play a role in how we turn out and hence not everyone will find this idea true for them. It would be curious to investigate how Burt order works in other cultures.

[@JacquelineHahn1]

@@angieposso695 I think I can see how not only the culture aspect but also the generational changes within the culture would make a difference

[@angieposso695]

@@JacquelineHahn1 I totally agree. The book goes into more detail and describes what else influences the various characteristics. This video does not do it justice.

[@Romans_Twelve_Two]

This sounds a lot like horoscopes. No biblical application. It made me quite uncomfortable because it was so far from a biblical connection (at least 10 minutes in) - so I couldn't finish.

[@Psalm2710_]

Birth order is a very prominent subject in the Bible. See the old testament.

[@Romans_Twelve_Two]

​@Psalm2710_ I'm familiar. Please help me to understand why what this man is saying is biblically connected. Birth order is a fact in the OT. Not a determination for your personality 🤔

[@at-ym3xw]

I understand there was a significance in birth order in the old testament for blessing but not to determine your personality. I agree, I'm not seeing the biblical application here.

[@KS-zc4jn]

The Bible says that men are to dwell with their wives according to knowledge. Knowing why someone thinks or behaves the way they do can lead to better relationships if you apply that knowledge. You don't see anything in the Bible about cars, planes, trains, computers, phones, etc. yet we have them. It doesn't mean that it is on the level of a horoscope. It is not sinful to apply that knowledge to your relationships in life.

[@barbaraletterly4884]

Family dynamics (including birth order and parent/child and sibling relationships) impact how we learn to relate to one another. Look at Isaac/Ishmael, Esau/Jacob, Joseph and his siblings. Think about your own siblings too. This is a well studied field. But also, this needs to be interpreted in light of other family dynamics.

[@gwenbiedler8181]

Amazing...I just learned that 2 firstborns should never marry, lol. My now EX made the same mistake twice, tho, and married another firstborn, lol. Ah, such is life!

[@debrasternhagen6598]

Leman uses multiple cliches. He's a walking talking, praphrase and idea plagierist.