Relationship in “Hard Mode” - Why We Had To Rethink Our Strategies

[@HowtoADHD]

Thanks to Paired for sponsoring this video. ❤ Get 25% off on Paired premium! Start your 7-day free trial by clicking the link here: www.paired.com/howtoadhd25

[@vulpixelful]

Did Duolingo make that app 😂 The UI for streaks and streak freezes are exactly the same

[@marleysoluna]

could you please add the link for the Fair Play deck? thank you for another lovely, helpful video ❤

[@BryanCook]

"We don't choose our boundaries. We only choose whether or not we communicate them." That's golden. Thank you for being vulnerable!

[@figure15skater]

Correct. Boundaries are for ME (ourselves) and when others bump up against them, that's validation & confirmation that they needed to be there and in place.

[@vlong7112]

"Babies can't tell time and neither can I.." so brilliant 😅 Transitions are so hard!

[@vlong7112]

Glad you guys spoke up and got the support you needed!! 🙌🏽

[@kristinemunchkin]

I felt this in my soul too 😆

[@blumoon187]

I'm pregnant right now and I died laughing. Then I repeated it to my husband. He just looked at me and went, "well, yes."

[@meebabeebadeembadeemdam6787]

It's just so heavy metal and cool how vulnerable and real you both are.

[@AuDHD_Mom]

I'm always called "intense". I was told once by someone I love that I am a firehose of information. Not everyone can handle that, and unfortunately, they tend to be the vocal majority that made my whole life on expert mode.

[@EmmsReality]

@@AuDHD_MomI’m a lot and I found someone who is somehow more. And we’re almost perfect for each other

[@EmmsReality]

@@AuDHD_MomI have such a better idea what my ex partner was dealing with living with someone like me who’s audhd

[@Shadowarfare117]

​@@AuDHD_MomI really realized my brain worked in a different when I was called intense at a wine tasting. I'd never been to one before and was studying every element I could of each sample so I could make my own the way I like.

[@LeeCarlson]

I remember when my daughter was born, I told her mother that I was scared to death, and she replied that if I wasn't scared, I would not be ready to be a father. My kid is now a teenager, happily coping with the AuDHD because I showed her your channel, and now she helps me cope with my CPTSD and BPD.

[@jdmmg4904]

Not sure how your teenage daughter should help you with your ptsd and bpd?? Shouldn't be her job...

[@LeeCarlson]

@@jdmmg4904, I didn't say that it was her job. Just that she helped. She also provides the inspiration to hold my suicidal ideations at bay.

[@lafken2]

​@@jdmmg4904why do you jump to the conclusion that their child helping them cope means they're acting as a therapist? Always assuming the worst and jumping to conclusions isn't a great way to treat people you don't know. It's also very damaging to live on the defensive, always expecting the worst. Just a thought.

[@bugwaterguy]

I think Fair Play is a great system. A key to making it work is handing over the "whole card" for a particular chore - Conceive, Plan, and Execute. You set a minimum standard for a chore, and then "let go". If you don't do that, one spouse can still hold on to the mental workload for a particular chore, even if they are not doing it physically. For example, it one partner has Dishes, and the dishes are clean, you cannot complain about how they load the dishwasher.

[@mercysmartt9765]

Oooph! Great insight

[@JustinOutdoors]

As a parent with a 7 week old and in a relationship where one of us has ADHD and the other autism, I could have listened to you guys discuss obstacles and solutions for hours. You didn't use the word but kind of alluded to something my partner and I have encouraged each other to be, which is selfish. As long as I trust my partner is being honest about their state, I feel okay taking the time and space I need to maintain my health. It's the same for my partner. We have to be our own advocates first and foremost because it's too easy to people please and give-give-give. Hours of preemptive couples councelling also helped.

[@sweet_veganmomma4188]

Yup yup, put your mask on first cuz you can’t help anyone if you pass out!

[@andrewleavitt6548]

@@sweet_veganmomma4188 Love this! My wife is an airline employee so I'm an incredibly frequent flyer - I hear this message so much that I tune it out, because fundamentally in the event of a loss of oxygen it's so life and death that it naturally follows; that said, I've never applied the same logical framework to emotions, needs, and self-care because it never felt like the same level of "emergency". Thank you for framing it this way!

[@fwallus]

I think that if being “selfish” was used to keep someone from focusing on self (share your toys, you’re being selfish) it can be challenging to use that word in a positive manner. I can think of doing self-care in a positive way - I’m feeding, watering, nurturing myself so I can be a healthy person.

[@chariqy]

I EFFING *LOVE* THIS CONVERSATION! It's OK to have a non-traditional relationship! Thanks for saying it out loud!

[@play4dc]

I needed this video. I stopped medicating my ADHD several years ago as felt I have (just) been able to manage. My partner and I recently had a baby and everything fell apart. My routines went out the window. I'm dropping 2 days of work, and starting medication again but feel like a failure. My family come first, but acknowledging that I can't be the best parent, husband and breadwinner at this time is hard. This helps me forgive myself. If two very introspective informed people had these difficulties of course I would have the same problems. Thank you.

[@sylviamaike6866]

I went through something similar as a new mom - had to drop a lot of things, including work and volunteer commitments I valued, and didn't feel I was giving anything my best PERFORMANCE. It was humbling, but once I began to get to the point where I could acknowledge that I was giving everything my best available EFFORT my mental health improved from that realization. From the microcosm of a comment on the internet, I felt like I knew everything I needed to know about you from this one phrase: "My family comes first" - you care, and that love is what I think your family will ultimately take away from this time, not the imperfections that I know are a huge stressor in the moment, but which don't need to be the final word about this season.

[@play4dc]

@sylviamaike6866 thank you for a such a kind comment

[@bettinaschafer320]

I am a midwife of 23 years and know that I have ADHD since three years. This is far the best parental preparation video I've ever seen and I will try to share it with as much new parents as possible..❤❤❤

[@HowtoADHD]

Aw thank you!!! 🥰

[@annajacobs5461]

Absolutely! Mom of 4, wife of 23 yrs. He was late diagnosed as Autistic. I was late self-diagnosed with ADHD. I wish I had this video 21 yrs ago before our oldest was born! Definitely sharing with others. Thank you both for sharing with us. ❤

[@dn3305]

I cried. I just cried folding my laundry while hearing you say, that the day you forgot your meds was the worst and that you needed someone to take care of YOU. I was diagnosed this year with ADHD (thanks to you, too!) and don't take meds bc we still nurse. My daughter is 2 1/2. It was and is so unbelievable hard for me. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for giving me the feeling of "it is OK and common that this time IS f* hard and you can lose yourself".

[@jillkirson6048]

This literally brought me to tears. I couldn’t wait to be a mom. At 39 my son was born. Then I had the worst postpartum. My doctor wanted me to go to a hospital program and I didn’t. Now I wonder why I allowed myself to suffer so much.

[@mercysmartt9765]

😔 So much undue suffering because we thought we "should" be able to manage. The nexus of unsupported ADHD and early motherhood is so painful. Sending hugs ❤️

[@rob6738]

I have the trifecta of ADHD, anxiety, and PTSD. In past relationships, if I got emotional or stressed, I tend to isolate to calm down. My ex thought I was angry at her, avoiding her, or cheating. Honestly sometimes I needed space, because my past trauma, that was how I survived through childhood. I would isolate, avoid, and detach often. Even though I told her it was no fault of hers, I was undiagnosed. After so many relationships, I thought there was something wrong with me. After diagnosis and treatment, I now realize my behaviors, and now if I need space, I just let people now. People won't understand your needs if you don't tell them! Communication was a huge factor for my treatment. I learned to ask for help, set boundaries, and instead of pushing down feelings, letting people know when you are struggling. Your family, your significant other, and your friends will understand over time if you tell them. Trust me. ❤

[@elizabethhouser3357]

This is exactly what I went through with my second pregnancy with my son. I was hospitalized for a week at Overlake Hospital. Exactly the same. I couldn’t sit up and feed myself either, but the baby came first. Now I come first, but my son is 9 years old. I can’t be the dream PTA mom, I volunteer occasionally. My husband does the dishes and cooking. Even though I am a stay at home mom. Hugs new Mom. Thank you for making this. Helped me heal. Identifying for me. I am not alone.

[@ThirdHorseman]

As a single father with ADHD raising two kids, I can understand the difficulties balancing work, personal life, and caretaking.

[@lijohnyoutube101]

That’s tough and atypical!

[@AuDHD_Mom]

It's the algorithm feeding me your content that helped educate me to the point where I could tell my therapist 8 years ago that I thought I was Autistic. She literally clapped, then pulled out a paper she has prepared for me with a list of resources for next steps. I was using the free clinic through the local university, so she couldn't diagnose me. That student therapist forever changed my life for the better, and I know wherever she is, she's still helping people how to hack the hard mode of life. I started my KZbin channel to help ease my anxiety about leaving my ND (neurodivergent) children alone in this world should something unexpected happen and I can't verbalize help for them. AND to be that "fire hose of information" I really enjoy being, but that gets under my kids skin. KZbin is my outlet, but I'm struggling to learn about it because of my monotropic mind. I'll get there, though.

[@hawaiiwahine6678]

If you get a chance, send a short email or letter to the facility where the student therapist helped you. It would make their day - and hers if they are still in contact. And it will hep encourage them to continue to help others as sometimes being a therapist can be emotionally draining and knowing that 8 years later you are still benefitting would be great for them to know. Thanks for sharing your experience with us. Hugs.

[@bideoman8509]

Becoming a dad 3 days after i turned 40 was what really brought out my executive function challenges. We bought different house a year later and then a few months after that was the pandemic. I was diagnosed with adhd later that year. I did a deep dive and realized those challenges were always there but not to the degree they are today. Being a dad is the greatest so i wouldn’t change it but it did a number on my brain.

[@monriatitans]

0:00 - Real quick: paired app 0:19 - Traditional "Hello, Brains" Strategizing 0:31 - Title Screen 0:33 - Intro/Why We're Here 3:14 - Added Urgencies 4:04 - Less Time Available 4:57 - Self-Care 5:58 - Needed help taking care of myself 8:30 - Circle of Security 8:42 - "New Tools" Begin 8:58 - Putting solid boundaries in place 11:29 - Equitable division of labor 12:30 - "Fair Play" Deck 13:27 - Routines that help us connect 17:48 - Thank You! 18:26 - Traditional "Bye, Brains" Strategizing 18:30 - Outro

[@kashiichan]

+

[@sylviamaike6866]

Thank you so much for answering the comments about "Would you do it again if you knew?" I have ADHD and am a mom of two (so far), and my answer to that question is always 1000% yes. I had postpartum anxiety and OCD and am often still barely hanging on with my motivation and daily routines, but although my executive function breaks and my house is pretty imperfect I know that my love and attention is what my kids need most, and those things I AM able to give them. The early years are so hard, but I feel like even 18 years is not a huge price to pay to have these two wonderful people in my life for decades afterward. I can't imagine life without them - or rather, I can, but the image of that carefree life with more money pales in comparison with the reality of them.

[@KRinT04]

Good for you! 👏👏👏👏 Thanks for this beautiful, family-affirming comment. So much in today's culture is wary of having and raising children, putting self above selflessness. I love your 1000% gratitude for your children, despite it having been hard, and I echo it!!!!

[@deidrenelson1385]

I’m a mother of five and they are ages 28 - 16.. the parenting never completely ends - it just changes seasons. though I have plenty of regrets in life, my children and the time I spend with them, talking, listening , reading, cuddling when they were small- are never on that list of regrets.

[@BOABModels]

My wife and I have just been both diagnosed with ADHD and your experiences regarding being a new parent really ring true. Our first son was born 9 years ago and neither of us realised we were neurodiverse - had we known, it might have helped us let ourselves cut ourselves some slack. It's really tough, and I'm sorry to hear about your post Natal depression. It's really good to talk about it though and I am sure you will help others in the future going through parenthood too.

[@derekwade4042]

Another adhd/ autism couple here... the point of brain speeds is just so true but also the strength to work so close together and profit from one another's strengths ❤

[@clucibello9421]

A therapist here (with ADHD) and I love, use, and recommend your videos CONSTANTLY. I did my giddy-dance when you mentioned "Circle of Security"--this is a fantastic way to frame what both kids AND adults do (and need) & would absolutely love for you to do that video.

[@izabelarivera5211]

This is literally why so many women get diagnosed after having kids. Before I had kids I was managing my symptoms without realizing they were symptoms. After having kids I broke down because I no longer had the time nor the mental bandwidth to do the thing that helped my ADHD.

[@mercysmartt9765]

🎯

[@Lyandra01]

As a single foster parent with AuDHD, it has definitely been hard getting used to the unpredictability of children-even the older ones that can talk-and the foster care system in general. I really underestimated how difficult it would be. Finding time to sleep and energy to interact with other people constantly after decades of living alone has forced me to find new ways to accommodate my needs. I’m really glad that my mom moved in with me for a while. She likes to talk a lot. 😄 You two are adorable! I’m so glad you found each other; it gives me hope that someday I’ll find someone that can appreciate my differences.

[@stephjouppien]

Same!

[@emilysmith9853]

This video is so cool - honest and transparent as well as hopeful and insightful. As someone who's just coming to understand my neurodivergence as a 31 year old and would like to be a parent in the future...this is so so helpful to see.

[@zenpie5093]

I‘m also 31 and only got my diagnosis this year and still haven’t decided if I’m able to become a parent or not 🤝😂

[@DMarrettTV]

idk why "... But they were verbal" took me out 🤣

[@demothes]

When crying is the only communication mode…yeah, getting to words is awesome. Plug for learning and teaching a little baby sign language!

[@chrissyheerschap8636]

OMG! I went through the exact experience last year including the PHP for PPD in Seattle. I know exactly which program you are talking about. 😊 So grateful we have that resource in Seattle. I also met so many other ND moms in that program and I am convinced there is a link between neurodivergence and PPD.

[@jf6548]

I wish I had seen this video before becoming a parent. Everything you said is true. Self-care doesn't really happen when a baby is around. Thanks for sharing your coping strategies. You are helping countless new and future parents which is priceless.

[@jupiterstone827]

With my first I didn't know my husband and I had ADHD. Girl, the PPD was out of this world, I so completely empathize with you, and I'm so sorry you're going through it. With the second, we were both diagnosed, it was still hard. But what saved me was a postpartum doula, that literally held me when I cried, and fed me, and held the baby so I could shower. My kids are school aged, and I wish we still had one just to check on my a couple times a year!! Thank you guys so much for your transparency, so many of us struggle alone.

[@stevenjones22]

It's crazy to see two therapists in a relationship. The way you two talk about things and take on challenges is so unique. I'm so happy for you both, congrats on the little one!

[@thevalkyries8680]

Shout to to you both. Having a dedicated partner is a HUGE boon, even with the added difficulties of another set of ND traits to navigate. Not sure how I survived the early years solo and undiagnosed, but we made it. And yeah. Worth every painful secons.

[@ashcar6903]

Ahhh congratulations on the engagement!!!

[@mchlle94]

I love you two being so honest and reflective. I wish more parents could be this honest with themselves, it really helps kids as well.

[@SlinkyGaming]

You guys talking about your problems are making me realize why I haven't had a kid, and This has really taught me to be realistic, honest, and I have been at times been at denial about some things. While I don't want to hear this, but I do need to hear this! the first 10 mins of this video really gave me a real eye opening, and this is what I was looking for when preparing for having a kid. This information is so so Valuable, and I'll definitely come back to this! I am so appreciative of your personal expierience of what life is like having a baby! You guys are amazing!

[@Gaya-ch1ff]

Ps. I dunno if that’s helpful but I was very overwhelmed with my first newborn until I got us into a flexible routine (not hourly but more according to the part of the day) . I know sounds like BS but after a long stroll and a meal babies tend to get sleepy… I think it’s essential for babies to go out (grown ups too) for soooo many reasons, starting with circadian rhythm and vitamin D. Our outings gave us a sense of routine (without adding pressure and complications) and calmed everyone down. Sometimes it was very short 10min so no pressure… plus I think you’ve got a dog so I guess that’s a habit you already have and with few modifications it might be feasible. Feel free to ignore advices (like mine) as I know how new parents can often be bombarded with the expert that rests in everyone. Best wishes to you three and lots of love to everyone !

[@theanadevine]

My newborn screamed relentlessly every time he went outside for the first thru months of his life. Every baby is different.

[@puppypoet]

My mom is slowly dying from ALS. I wonder if these strategies will help me and my NT husband? We are really struggling to adjust. Especially since Mom was diagnosed with autism at 84 years old and I'm the only person she feels safe with.

[@tomasvanhoof9786]

I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s and your situation. My impression is that neurodivergents appreciate approaches that NT’s don’t need, so it might be a good idea to try it, I can’t envision a situation that it would be detrimental to the relationship to try a relationship tool which is created specifically for ND’s. We’re the difficult ones ! 😀

[@taoist32]

I hope you can figure out how to adjust everything well. It’s amazing your mom was diagnosed so late in life. I’m diagnosed at 50 as autistic, but 84?

[@Ragt0p]

That is so incredible difficult. I feel for you, and your mom of course. I’ve lived through something similar. It’s easy to be gobbled up by the need, urgency and feeling of responsibility. Please do what you can to safeguard your own well-being.

[@ffKingcreole]

My Girlfriend and I have a regular task in our repeating task list called "🎂" where we go out, eat cake and talk about the relationship, the cake really helps set the mood, this strategy has been really helpful thus far, but so far no baby is around breaking routines so who knows :D

[@ChristineCary]

Your willingness to be vulnerable with each other and your followers has enlightened many people. I admire your ability to talk with each other and use Fairplay in good faith; your child will benefit big-time from your example. Best of luck! ❤

[@mariannetfinches]

10:53 I love this framing & it's so true! Never thought of it that way. You can't change your boundaries, you can only share them, or struggle in silence

[@danielsoukup5734]

I love the positive ending note about parenting. It’s so easy to talk about all the hard. I’ve been trying to always talk about the good of being a parent.

[@Zer0N1nja]

As a newish father with ADHD to twin girls and husband to wife with neurodivergent issues. Sharing the challenges we've gone through as new parents mirrors you 2 so well. I cried listening to parts of this feeling so validated. Feeling im not broken, just different.

[@PredictableEnigma]

I'd like to see the link to the "Circle of Security" you mentioned in the video!!! Love you both.

[@HowtoADHD]

Oh oops! Here you go: www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/circle-of-security-model/what-is-the-circle-of-security/

[@shawnholbrook7278]

Love this, I'm older but I resonate. 1. Keep the kid alive 2. I strive for boredom, never get there.. 3. PTSD and other things will pop up or resurface as your baby(ies) grow, and your situations change. Roll with it. I am so happy that you are able to communicate your needs, wants, challenges, and joys with each other and really work together as a family. (hugs, encouraging words) Your channel helps so many people 💖🙏😊 Oh! congratulations!!

[@evgeniiaharinath1142]

Thank you for the video! My baby girl has just turned 4 months during which I was under a lot of pressure and stress, thinking that I’m so bad with managing things compared to others moms I knew. Even I knew about my adhd, I still blamed myself for being ineffective. First 3 months were also so hard for the relationships with my husband. I found a lot of support now rethinking the motherhood, that it’s really difficult especially for those with adhd, and whatever I felt those first months has been validated❤

[@HowtoADHD]

Aw thanks for sharing, yeah, you’re not alone!! I’ll be sharing more about parenting with ADHD on Instagram if it’s useful 💕

[@dwayneheeter]

You two are adorable❤ thank you for sharing😊

[@amyfellows1203]

"we don't choose our boundaries, we can only choose to communicate them or not" -- that is huge for me, thank you for sharing yourselves and giving me something to chew over today as I'm working on this myself... ❤

[@serenityderaeball]

i’m 12 weeks now and i appreciate seeing this, i know the new transition is coming as one has already been on its way now :) thank you

[@andrewleavitt6548]

"We don't choose our boundaries; we only choose whether or not to communicate them." I don't think I've ever heard it expressed so accurately, clearly, and concisely as that. Many kudos!

[@ms.loralee4188]

I so enjoy your channel and continued transparency! You helped me to finally get diagnosed @ 42!!!! I am now working to get my daughter diagnosed. Thank you for being you!! Parenthood is hard all in itself but you two are figuring it out….together and loving each other more in the process. How amazing!!! Your baby is lucky to have you two for parents!!!!

[@historiansrevolt4333]

I feel the "all the life changes"! 2023 was absolutely nuts in my household along with baby. But thankfully things have calmed down somewhat and we're trying to establish routines again.

[@RachelA147]

I really needed to heare this! Thank you so much! Ive felt so alone in the struggle patenting, while trying to communicate effectively, to my experience to my husband, when I struggle to understand what I am experiencing, let alone describe it! I can feel so incapable at times.

[@kl-ue6zl]

Congratulations guys!!!!! ❤ I totally get the postpartum depression and it's rough! *the part where you said we don't choose our boundaries, we have to choose to stand up for them/enforce them is so accurate. Sometimes our capacity for stuff is cut so short, but we don't really have a choice

[@HvZ08]

I really appreciate y'all being open about your struggles, especially as a new dad who struggles in some of the same ways you do.

[@joshuagies4900]

Love these vids. The relationship conversations between you two are some of the most relatable I've seen. Things that both of you will mention it talk about, I'm like "This! This!". Thank you for being open, it helps me feel less alone in my relationship journey with kids.

[@luckofthedru]

As a long time subscriber, and an ADHD father of 3, it's so nice to have a video that talks about what I'm still going through on a daily basis. Thank you. I hope I'm able to find solutions with this video, even though I had to add it to watch later and watch 2 weeks later.

[@douglaswarnold]

I learned a saying in 12-step programs: Don't SHOULD on yourself. I hope that helps. It has/does help(ed) me.

[@joydisney]

It’s so important to date your spouse so you can have time alone together to talk and just be together! ❤️

[@user-iz3ss5rb3z]

2:01 can't stop laughing at this because recently I started a new job as a student, moved out of my parent's house for the first time and to another state... in 2 weeks, let's just say there were a lot of adjustments

[@theanadevine]

Crying. I’m so glad you got some care you desperately needed in time, Jessica. That situation can be so dire and dangerous. Also crying remembering my first year of parenthood, which began in February 2020. So many things…so many strategies I wish I could have used that were completely unavailable to us amidst a global pandemic with an infant.

[@ToriTija]

I need an hour long version of this! I'm hoping to be a parent soon and I would loooove to have anything in my toolkit to help. I'm realistically anticipating that my mental health will take a big hit and I'm hoping to do as much in advance to prep for it.

[@hollywilson4418]

Thank you for sharing your struggles and needing to re-think strategies. I really resonate with the process of needing to admit when strategies or routines aren’t working and you need to be truthful with yourself. It helps me realise that I am not alone in the struggles I have and that there are ways around things. It also helps me come to terms with the idea that I will likely need support if I have a situation similar to yours in the future. Thank you for sharing everything ❤️❤️

[@Let.DogsDrive]

Thank you for sharing so much about your struggles in a way that can help so many people! Also, as someone in the eyecare field, please please don't overwear your contacts! It's much better to wear your glasses until you can refill your Rx than overwear them and possibly injure your eyes.

[@AtoZthyme]

so heartening to see the genuine growth that comes in long-term relationships, both of self & with the dynamic. Thank you for choosing to share this with others (we need more healthy relationship examples in the world!!!)

[@ingeborgomahony5744]

Thank you so much for sharing these challenges. I am a mother of a 20-something ADHD kid, and I feel so much of what was stated in this video. Ps. One thing you will need to know. Even with ONE child, just as you get your routines set up, that beautiful little creature will come up with a brand new way of creating a disruption you did not see coming. My favorite expression is: "Oh.... so this is new....."

[@findingaway5512]

I have three kiddos.... It makes my ADHD Obvious.... But also they have helped me understand and grow and learn in ways I wouldn't have. They completely change your world. They are great and it can be really hard.... I would not change it ever. They are my world.

[@jasminvomwalde7497]

Thank you for being so open about your challenges and how you are dealing with them as a young family. It gives me hope that I too can have a family one day ❤️ Wish you guys all the best, and congrats on the engagement 🥳

[@BLynn]

I stopped using contacts a year after my second eldest was born because it was too much to care for the contacts & my eyes consistently, so I switched to glasses. At that time I did not need glasses for reading though so YMMV.

[@moonhunter9993]

Thanks for the honest talk. I have ADHD and CPTSD. I would call myself relatively high functioning. But what you describe regarding the complete focus of taking care of the baby and struggling to take care of yourself is pretty much how it goes for many moms, if not most. It's the part that society doesn't really talk about. And it's also why the birth rate is dropping so fast.

[@Aashbard01]

So nice to meet you, Rafael!! 🤗🤗💕 I personally love psychology and appreciate the work that psychologists do, I think you're awesome!! 🤗🤗💕💕

[@plateaujourneys]

you too are so adorable! Congratulations! Thank you for being you and giving us such valuable information. Kind of makes me melancholic because we didn't have this information in my day. The fact that we couldn't even express this life saving information to our family. They would just think we were full of it and "get yourself together".

[@MullingInk]

I’m so sorry you both have been struggling, but I’m extremely grateful for the insights as someone in the trenches with severe dissociation, PTSD, and chronic illnesses + disabilities on top of autism and ADHD. My husband was recently diagnosed with bipolar, is also an auDHDer, and he’s thinking he might also have BPD, on top of chronic illness and disabilities. Our children, unsurprisingly, have a lot of the same issues we have with physical and mental health, and we’re struggling madly to hang on with only my husband and housemate able to work, and housemate has had to go on long term disability thanks to long COVID. It’s heartening to see people who are making it work, and I’m honesty looking forward to seeing what comes out of these new experiences. You guys are absolute lifesavers sometimes!

[@charlyheather1822]

This Video made me laugh out loud (turns out: babies can't keep time!) and made me tear up (we do not choose our boundries). That is so valuable. I'm in a very different place right now, but suffering physically (rheumatic stuff) and have not really been willing to accept that my boundaries shift... but they do. It's not my choice. Thank you both, and all the best to your little family!

[@emech5]

Thank you for showing that neurodivergents see things in a different way. It is nice to see your partner with you and sharing everyday life. I am going to try your suggestion of Paired. You are not the only one who struggles and right now my partner and I are oceans apart both physically and figuratively. Boundaries...I think are good, but I think they can throw a hand grenade into a relationship if you have never used them. Your video was very informative.

[@jade8042]

Thank you so much for sharing your journey. As a single mum with adhd this is so relatable! ❤

[@lynettelea7177]

Well done for explaining so clearly some of the struggles of being new parents with your own neurodivergent needs, and how you have tackled the many issues; personal, interpersonal and in dealing with others. That was brave and so helpful - the way you have understood and opened up and communicated with each other and with the KZbin community. So helpful. 👍🏼👏🏼⭐️⭐️⭐️

[@veronicaaudette7817]

Thank you, both of you, for sharing your experiences with all of us. It is so important to have examples of all types of healthy relationships of all kinds. ❤

[@joniramirez8684]

I really like this video. I love that you reflected on the previous videos and the messages of self-care and how in a different stage of life it's not always possible. I used to become very frustrated that the self care, etc promoted couldn't be practiced by me because I was a Mom. Thank you for being honest about how rough it is as a Mom.

[@AdventuresOnline]

Thank you so much for being so vulnerable and therefore allowing others to relate and feel less alone. I have been struggling lately with my ADHD and relationships and this came at a perfect time. Xx

[@donnathomas6063]

I got diagnosed with ADHD five months after having my first child….miserable five months leading up to that, because exactly like you said - NONE of my strategies worked! With my second child, I was better able to prepare and set expectations. Almost none of the issues I had last time. But next time I would tell myself “don’t expect any semblance of normal before the baby is 6 months old”

[@rachellemazar7374]

I’m 66 now, your story is very reminiscent to mine. I had dangerous post partum depression after both of my children, in glad you found treatment that didn’t remove you from your family completely.

[@ivonnebadillo632]

Thank you both so much for sharing these personal stories with us. I pray, and your new family is blessed with health and love. This video is perfect timing for me as I am about to get married. We are both 🧠 🧠 and I worry about how we will manage this new change in our lives. But this gives me hope that we are not alone in our struggles. Thank you both again for sharing. ❤❤❤

[@kimsmarted]

My son 2 now and I'm still starting to feel like my old self. There a lot I have relearn to control my emotions and when it felt like it was too much I would disoretsted from my husband because I was sooo focused on my son and making sure we didn't go back to NICU. Now that he toddler I'm learning how to help him with his emotions without going into a trauma with him. I like this please do more of these in-between the normal ADHD vidoes.

[@giantschick21]

This is such a valuable video! I wish resources like this existed prior to becoming a parent and I wish more of them existed for parents of toddlers, children, teens, etc. from the perspective of a neurodiverse parent. I'm so excited to see more content like this! Feeling so seen.

[@mendozasyl]

I'm so glad for this video and it is validating my experience so much. We were unknowingly undiagnosed, no supports in place, etc. It's been ROUGH, but soooo much better after 2.5yrs.

[@sallyjordan4869]

I’m sorry you’ve been having such a hard time, but it’s really great that you knew how to help yourselves and each other. ❤

[@KiraFriede]

Wow. It's so great to see how you both navigate that. Whenever I think about it, I am struggling to think that I could navigate that well.

[@justmesue6139]

I love your viedos :) A visual thing I struggle with here was the quickly changing blue background with the "paired" part. It is very discracting and hurts my eyes...please do a "quieter background for these parts.

[@Chelsea0909]

Love this title! Because it is so true. Adding a kiddo to the mix definitely puts the game of life in “hard mode”. As a *somewhat new mother of a beautiful baby daughter who is my absolute world, I feel that you and I are on a really similar path in life just based on many things you have indicated in a few videos I watched of yours. I can also relate to you on…well, almost everything that you said about ADHD! I haven’t been diagnosed with ADHD, but I do feel that I have it based on my relation to many things you’ve said! lol😅

[@kevinbonet7783]

Love this discussion. A big concern in my life is how i would react and go through fatherhood. This gives me an idea what to expect and what to do.

[@GlimpseIntoTheirNatures]

i love this one, it gives me a window of what my own parents went through.

[@CalibrateADHD]

Thanks to you both for being so vulnerable about your struggles and strategies!

[@jerseymetalmike5111]

Congratulations to you both! Having a baby can put a strain on even the most prepared couples! Remember to enjoy all those blissful moments with your baby, and do it together...the memories will last longer as well.

[@AileenDaw]

I think the "many transitions at the same time" is something that we cannot control a lot of times. Even for neurotypicals, and especially when you have a baby, we change so much that there cannot Not be other changes around it too... So sometimes we just cannot avoid it! For me, having my second baby made me decide to switch careers. With other things that happened at the same time! I'm so happy that you started with FairPlay so early... I learned about it after Many problems in my relationship. It changed so much! I loved to hear both of you, and also see it through the lens of "hyper focus on baby". I used to say that when the baby was awake I had 90% of my brain busy with them and would not even remember what else needed to be done. Now I have an 8 year-old and a 3 year old. That still happens, although with less intensity. Sometimes I cannot eat because there's too much noise (AuDHD here), and thinking of cooking gets me overwhelmed. But as they grow, we get a bit more of our brains to ourselves. I can do things for me, but the time management thing is forever a challenge. Also this overwhelm is very tiring... Thank you so much for sharing this with us! I love watching you two together and I always learn a lot from you ❤

[@thereader14]

Thank you for this video. It gives me hope for starting a family with my husband one day.

[@alibongois]

Thank you both so much. This is one of the most important and powerful videos you have done. Thank you so much for being honest and real. This really helps me

[@willtharp7477]

Sometimes I think we are eternal optimists. We sometimes *choose* hard mode, because we think we can do it. And, more often than not, we can. The cost is just never sufficiently clear until you are well into whatever it is you are doing. As far as parenting goes, did you know you can get your baby on a schedule? That's what my wife spent the first 2 weeks doing with each of our babies. And it worked; yes, I was amazed -- the first time.

[@Zarouge]

Can you explain what you mean by on a schedule? I want to learn 🙂

[@wallisbond9330]

Y'all are so great. Keep up the great work and thanks for your honesty. I think it's extra hard with out a mama, I went to through that. So glad your Aunt can step in when needed.

[@ecleland979]

I for one would love a video on the Circle of Security! 🙏

[@Plethorality]

You too are saving many, many lives. And your legacy will continue to do so.

[@chrispycryptic]

I love your fiance! Being a guy myself, finding someone who is down to earth in this space that I feel connected to is rare!