I’m Greysexual | Grey-ace guy explains his asexual identity

[@notdefining]

To book a 1:1 coaching session with Mark, click here: www.notdefining.com/coaching-info. Text chat with Mark and join group sessions at patreon.com/notdefining. For more videos click the JOIN button.

[@PokhrajRoy.]

Mark has such a lovely presence. It always feels like he’s chatting with you.

[@notdefining]

Aaaah thank you so much! I am chatting with you! I love you all and I’m so thrilled to get this feedback. I hope you’re doing well my friend.

[@sodiebergh]

Pay no mind to the naysayers below! I'm so grateful you posted this. I'm well into my 50's, and realized I've been gray-ace my whole adult life. I've always felt out of step with my gay male peers, who think, talk and plan (or pine away) for sex, and it just doesn't interest me! I blamed "low T," faulty wiring, maybe a repressed trauma, and nothing--this is just how I am, and I'm happy to be able to talk about it with people I care about. I feel more relaxed and confident than ever. Thanks again for this thoughtful video 💜🩶🤍

[@notdefining]

Hey you’re so welcome. I pay less than no mind to the naysayers haha! They are allowed to spend their day as they wish. Big love to you and thanks for sharing. It helps so many people when we can share our experiences and have it seen reflected back.

[@PokhrajRoy.]

5:35 “Sex is great but have you ever had a lovely time being platonic for a change?”

[@notdefining]

Omg love platonic intimacy. It’s my favourite.

[@PokhrajRoy.]

I’m just happy that vocabulary exists for all of us in a world where either it’s a punchline or a way to erase people in the name of ‘not labelling’.

[@notdefining]

❤️❤️❤️

[@alex_blue5802]

I'm not ace but I started seeing someone who is. I'm watching because I want to understand a little more. I have looked up some information about it online, but it's very helpful to hear about it from a first-person source. I am looking forward to more videos from you.

[@notdefining]

Welcome aboard! Thanks so much for being here. I’m so glad it’s helpful.

[@aimeerivers]

for years i thought i was pansexual. turns out i was asexual all the time. equal attraction to all people, but that attraction is almost zero.

[@notdefining]

Hey thanks for sharing this. Very similar to my experience.

[@rowanwhite3520]

Wow, I have not heard about this term before. It actually describes my sexuality. I am gay and attracted to men, but the sex part I rarely engage in. Great Video!

[@notdefining]

Hey that’s great. I’m so glad it helped to clarify things for you. I actually have a friend who is gay and grey ace and he likes to call himself a gay-ace!! 🤣 he’s a funny guy. ❤️❤️ he’s fab though and yeah that’s totally normal.

[@aimeerivers]

such a good point about being a people-pleaser. i can highly relate. i’m glad youtube recommended this video to me. subscribed!

[@notdefining]

Hey thanks so much. I’m so glad it was helpful. Check out my other content on Asexuality. There’s much more coming up. You’re so welcome here.

[@bklynkat23]

Ooh I can't wait for the ace flux video! For me I always knew I didn't experience a lot of sexual attraction growing up but didn't really know how to define it until I too was in my mid 30s. So there was endless confusion for me especially because I am attracted to men and women, but very rarely it would be actual sexual attraction. I'm happy now through finding creators like you that I can properly articulate my sexual identity and explain my feelings.

[@notdefining]

Hey thanks so much for your lovely comment. Ace flux vid coming soon…❤️❤️❤️

[@rodeanphilip7780]

I'm starting to suspect that your use of the word "obsessed" is key to this discussion. As an addiction professional (ret.), I define obsessed or addicted as a condition where people use a substance or behavior to compensate for feelings (usually traumas) that they are unwilling to face. In this whacked culture, I find the overwhelming occurrence of different kinds of obsession to be logical, if not desirable. The more I hear ace people talk, the more "normal" I think they sound. Hope that makes sense. Thanks, Mark

[@notdefining]

Hey thank you so much for sharing this perspective. I get you completely. ❤️❤️❤️

[@enkarg4372]

I really connect with what you say in this video. Thanks for opening up. You have such a calm presence is almost healing. Big hug ❤

[@notdefining]

Hey thank you so much. I’m so glad it was helpful. 🙏🏽

[@Compassion3333]

Thank you so much for opening up… I thought I was pansexual for a decade who was celibate most of the time. I had boyfriends and thought I was lesbian. I had girlfriends and thought it wasn’t the right one. Turns out at 33 I realize I’m panromantic and asexual. I never knew that was a thing and it’s changing my life and blowing I mind. I was a people pleaser who wanted companionship, love, adoration, romance and deep bond… so I thought I had to have sex in order to receive the love, cuddles and care I desired. But turns out I don’t have to and it’s super liberating yet a lot of grief involved around the people pleasing.

[@ravenna2165]

Im still in the confusion stage, and trying to heal all the trauma/confusion around bisexuality. But watching your video was so soothing, I've had a suspiscion I could be grey-ace on at least on the ace-spectrum- I lean heavily to the demisexual label. Thank you for your video!!

[@notdefining]

Hey thanks so much for saying. The struggle can be a lot. My heart is with you.

[@Gimmie_my_legoz]

This is so real i relate to this so hard i hate when people ask me about my sexuality. Cause when they do and i explain it they complain about how its not real or dumb or unimportant. Like if you didn't care why did you askkkk

[@mattb1568]

31 and I honestly haven’t been able to identify so much with a label as I’m able to with this one. It’s funny because I’ve always thought my sexuality was a “grey area”. Didn’t really make sense to me. So thank you for sharing! Question though, I think I’m in the thick of the anxieties that come from it… how do I go about “healing” from the traumas of not relating to the norm? It’s been pretty isolating, honestly.

[@notdefining]

Hey there, Thanks for reaching out. I’m so glad this content was helpful for you. It’s a good question. I’ve pasted a couple of links below to videos I’ve done which cover the topic of healing and building confidence in yourself…. kzbin.info/www/bejne/eZyUZoiwYpx8n5Isi=BGlCbBJi402HCYh9 kzbin.info/www/bejne/pp7EaaOhrKlpgZIsi=lY8x6W7f-uCWd3Eb I’m due to do loads more on this so stay tuned for that. I also offer 1:1 coaching through www.notdefining.com if you would like dedicated support to heal. Alternatively we have loads of meditations, guidance on mental health and personal self confidence mentoring through Patreon.com/notdefining if you’d like to join us there. Other than that some good people to follow on trauma are Candace Van Dell and Holistic Life Navigation. If you’d like highly trusted and recommended trauma therapy contact [e-mail]. Wishing you healing and happiness. Mark x

[@sealtielpatino2995]

Thanks for this video! I can totally relate to what you discussed here

[@notdefining]

Hey thanks for saying. I’m so glad it was helpful.

[@marcos-ll2yr]

Is normal to keep questioned yourself during the years. I still do it. The only certain that I have is that I'm not straight

[@notdefining]

Yes I question myself all the time.

[@Bigurlie4508]

I'm just trying you figure out the difference between high physical and sexual attraction. It's pretty confusinh, but gray ace feels great with me because I don't usually feel sexually attracted and at the high degree. Plus I don't understand majority of high school shows that show sex as a duty you have to persue. Idk. Listening to you makes me feels less weird. 😅❤

[@notdefining]

Listening to you make me feel less weird - thank you. This statement has made my day. It’s what I do it for.

[@fancychannelname2402]

Great content as ever. I relate strongly.

[@notdefining]

Hey thanks so much. ❤️❤️❤️

[@TwinFalls88]

Do one on "Sides". There are tops, bottoms, verse.....and sides.

[@apocalypse12345]

I have attraction but im afraid of experiencing it in real life . Abuse can happen

[@rodeanphilip7780]

I've felt that way, too. Trauma can be extremely limiting, but there is an argument that can be made for "it ain't safe out there". I find myself more and more wanting to be able to define myself as the one with agency in my own life. Much luck to you!

[@apocalypse12345]

@@rodeanphilip7780 thank you

[@notdefining]

Hey thanks for sharing this. This is totally understandable. It can be very scary connecting when we don’t know what the person is like. I experience this as well. You’re not alone.

[@notdefining]

Hey thanks for this perspective. I love that we can chat about this.

[@apocalypse12345]

@@notdefining thank you 💖

[@panthersworld5587]

Greysexual the much less representative variance of asexual time to write down this topic

[@notdefining]

Yes it is very under represented but I hope we can chat about it and become more familiar with it.

[@TheRhandolph]

Wow, I identified as grey and a little later became bi, I'm still working through things but am having a great time generally.

[@McMilesE]

I too... Also derive pleasure from pleasuring others. I really don't care about receiving or getting. Prob cuz I've had to do that my whole life self-sooth because I am on the spectrum and the traumatic experiences I have had.. Well it's hard for me to feel good, relax, let go.. Let others help me, please me... I can't do it

[@notdefining]

I hear you completely. I actually really relate with what you have said. Thank you for sharing this.

[@McMilesE]

Same. Could carrrrrre less about sex crap. Love intimacy, touch etc. But I don't need or crave it. I'm way too cerebral

[@yosefzohori8462]

I have a question, if I'm attracted to femininity in general, and there are men I'm attracted to, but finding a man I'm attracted to is a 3 out of a hundred chance. Can I define myself as bisexual?

[@notdefining]

Easy answer: yes you can.

[@marcos-ll2yr]

I think I'm bi and ace too. I feel sexual attraction but is low and variety a lot

[@notdefining]

Hey we are family then 🙂

[@marcos-ll2yr]

@@notdefining 🤗

[@MariaSteinbrecher]

As alosexual I really wish for someone, who finds me as exciting as I find them :-/ And someone who can be honest enough to strive for relationshipstructures they really desire :-/

[@notdefining]

That would be wonderful wouldn’t it? You deserve to find that and you will.

[@mechanesthesia]

This is me!

[@notdefining]

Hey thanks for saying. We are community!!

[@BipolarCourage]

I experience little to no attraction. Only time really that I experience some attraction is in a mania episode. Don't need attraction to need an intense release at times. It's very complex for me. I don't see it as my identity. Likely influenced by my medical conditions, trauma & the meds I take.

[@notdefining]

Hey thanks so much for sharing. This is perfectly valid and yes can be affected by health/medical factors.

[@BipolarCourage]

@@notdefining and trauma

[@Lemarcus03]

A very good job of explaining your Sexuality. BTW . Do you have a suntan on one side of your face?

[@notdefining]

Haha thank you! No, I just have natural light coming in from the window at the side. I'm in a new space and still figuring out the lighting!

[@yosefzohori8462]

If I feel sexual attraction, but it is not so strong, am I Greysexual?

[@notdefining]

Could be yes

[@timnewman1172]

I'm a cis/ace male & I still don't understand it myself...

[@FaresalisBookcarrier]

I’d like to share what I had learned about “dietary induction to asexuality” :-) A single nonhet for more than a decade (since my last sex with anyone other than myself); I started donating blood (whole 350cc bags) since January 2016. As of present I have generated more than 150 bags, averaging donation for every 20 days. This frequency is of course not “officially” allowed by the Red Cross, yet biologically, with enough intakes of iron & other blood-forming nutrients (along with adequate sleep); a blood loss of approximately 350ml can be replaced (in terms of hemoglobin count) mostly within 15 days. Even before starting blood donation & taking the iron supplements I’ve already experienced the effects of age-related drop in testosterone levels, most notably in length & depth of orgasms, & frequency of morning erections. After initializing the blood-forming supplements, testosterone levels were seemingly getting even lower; & my theory is because iron does not work in synergy with zinc & selenium; the “god-minerals” of sex & repro functions. In addition; lowered levels of oxygen-carrying hemoglobin also bio-mechanically lessens erectile capacity (hardness). This change had rendered me to substantially lose interest in sex. Orgasms can still be mind-blowing but with far less frequency. I’m happy to be less encumbered by sexual desires yet slightly worried that the rather low levels of testosterone can potentially ever-decrease my tolerance to stress. Fortunately I’ve read about the benefits from diet-adding of lycopene from fresh tomatoes. Since the last 2 years I started eating fresh tomatoes (as either breakfast or dinner replacements) & noticed that to some minor degrees the sexual performances are back. Its effects on mood-enhancement is near-instant! And to attempt balancing zinc-iron ratio; it is also inevitable for me to obtain supplemental zinc & selenium. The photo in my profile was taken not so long ago; some time after my 40th birthday --now nearing 42.

[@notdefining]

Hey thanks for sharing this. This would be more connected to libido or sex drive but fascinating nonetheless. I’m glad you are feeling better in your self as a result of these changes.

[@carlorizzo827]

ThankU Mark. Hunh. Interesting. Maybe gray-ace don't know how lucky they are. I'm outa the box, extreme trauma physical & emotional left my sexuality disrupted. Psychologists call fear of touch "tactile defensive". Ever see Marnie? She had that. Both severe deprivation, then manic hyperphilic obsessive love/lust. Once as a joke I said I was schizo-sexual

[@notdefining]

Hey thanks for sharing. Sending so much love to you. I wish so much healing and peace for you.

[@stephenkeely1]

What's the difference between being grey ace and just having a low libido?

[@notdefining]

Asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction. Low libido is the absence of sex drive. One is mental, the other one is physical. Asexuality is normally long term and unchangeable whereas low libido is normally temporary and can be altered with lifestyle changes or medication. This is a common question and google can explain more.

[@stephenkeely1]

@@notdefining Thank you for your reply, that makes sense

[@DaSuTro]

I'm also grey-ace and aceflux. Small world.

[@notdefining]

Heeeey fam!!! 😍😍😍

[@jwb52z9]

This makes it sound like grey-ace is like a low sex drive, in a way. What's the distinction?

[@notdefining]

Asexuality refers to a lack of sexual attraction towards others, meaning someone doesn't feel sexually drawn to anyone, while a low sex drive simply means a reduced desire for sexual activity, which can be temporary and caused by various factors like stress or hormonal changes, unlike asexuality which is a consistent identity; essentially, asexuality is about the feeling of attraction, while a low sex drive is about the desire to engage in sexual activity. This is pasted from google so you can always google this type of question.

[@Gimmie_my_legoz]

Me too :D

[@athtarasterios9695]

You're something else every couple months aren't you? Might wanna check if borderline or histrionic doesn't suit you as well.

[@notdefining]

Haha, well maybe I am. That would be okay as well. ❤️

[@GracefulDanny]

So… a low sex drive? Friend is too old to be engaging in this attention-seeking creation of identities. I get that bisexiality stopped being “cool” in the early 2010’s, but yikes.

[@notdefining]

Hey there, so I would normally delete this, block and report this kind of LGBT-phobic bullying however I’m going to use this as an example to show the type of ignorant comments that our community receive on a daily basis. Comments like this one actively contribute to many ace people suffering extreme levels of mental distress and can lead to members of our community ending their lives. "Asexuality and Mental Health: A Review of the Literature" Authors: Tanya C. K. Williams, Michael S. C. Mills Journal: Sexuality Research and Social Policy Year: 2019 Link: Asexuality and Mental Health So by posting this you may think it’s smart but a young person may take their own life because of it so can we think carefully please before writing stuff like this? Of course it is misinformed. The writer thinks they’re being clever but in fact unwittingly comes across as ignorant of the basic facts around Asexuality and low sex drive. Here is a list of academic sources which may be helpful. "Asexuality: A Brief Review" Authors: B. C. Bogaert Journal: Archives of Sexual Behavior Year: 2015 "Asexuality: A Psychological Review" Authors: A. L. Williams, D. M. Brotto Journal: Journal of Sex Research Year: 2016 "Understanding Asexuality: An Empirical Investigation" Authors: C. E. Stuewig, K. C. Klapow Journal: Sexuality Research and Social Policy Year: 2013 "Sexual Orientation and Sexual Desire: An Empirical Study" Authors: H. A. Kaplan, T. A. Smith Journal: Archives of Sexual Behavior Year: 2017 "The Spectrum of Sexual Desire: From Low Desire to Asexuality" Authors: J. M. Lykins, E. W. K. Willoughby Journal: Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy Year: 2018 "Asexuality and Its Distinctiveness from Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder" Authors: M. M. McCarthy, L. M. Smith Journal: Sexual Medicine Reviews Year: 2020 "Asexuality: A Cross-Sectional Study of Asexual Individuals" Authors: A. S. Miller, K. M. Easton Journal: Journal of Sex Research Year: 2014 Finally a second misinformed comment is made about bisexuality. Here are some resources for education about the prevalence of bisexuality. Prevalence and Predictors of Bisexual Behavior: Evidence from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health" Authors: R. B. Wells, R. S. Balsam, M. R. K. Peters Journal: Archives of Sexual Behavior Year: 2016 "Bisexuality: A Review of the Literature" Authors: S. M. Fox, J. M. Tamney Journal: Journal of Bisexuality Year: 2014 "The Prevalence of Bisexuality in the United States: A Meta-Analysis" Authors: J. K. Brown, M. T. Lewis Journal: Journal of Sex Research Year: 2015 "Bisexuality and Mental Health: A Review of the Evidence" Authors: C. H. R. Bostwick, M. J. H. Peplau Journal: Journal of Clinical Psychology Year: 2018 "Patterns of Sexual Orientation and Their Relationships to Health and Well-Being: A National Study" Authors: P. K. Ogden, L. L. Reynolds Journal: American Journal of Public Health Year: 2017 I hope this is helpful.

[@timnewman1172]

​@@notdefining I'm ace & have a high libido, I just don't want to have sex with someone unless I have a real connection to them...