I Spend Too Much Time In My Bunker And Now My Wife Is MAD AT ME! r/Relationships

[@EnDB]

Working from home does not mean spending time with the SO. It still means one has to work.

[@Tina99999]

the problem is op also says he games at the bunker. So when his work at bunker is done, he stays in bunker to play video games. I mean when does he actually >come home< ? If his working hours are in the bunker plus his free time also then what is the point of the real house even? He goes to eat there I guess? :/ Since he says the house is decorated towards wife's taste and his bunker is man's cave. Sounds like his time is divided like 50% work, 45% free time in bunker and 5% time in house with family. Is there a point being married here even? He needs to move his man cave within the house and share with family members. Otherwise it is same as living alone, isn't it?

[@EnDB]

Six hours plus an hour is seven hours. Not much longer than the length of time the kid is in school.

[@KazumiKiguma]

And still less time than the average 8 hours of work most people have.

[@Wh00000]

The problem here is, before the update, he doesn’t sound like he’s spending much of his non work time in the house, actually helping his pregnant wife. She’s not telling him off for time spent earning a paycheck, she’s stating that she needs him to actually be present when she needs his help. A marriage requires two to function.

[@EnDB]

I'm referring to the time spent working. If you aren't, you're on the wrong response.

[@user-fg4tn8ot6b]

Story one: It sounds like the problem it's outside the bunker. *It's six hours of work!* There's 18 more hours of the day. *What is happening in those eighteen hours?!* After update: Ooh... She wanted to enjoy her hobbies again. And have some alone time with him. Damn. *It was the bunker AND outside the bunker.* 😬 *Finally, I hope they invest in contraceptives.*

[@sicilianboy27]

It's another case of reddit getting a snippet of someone's life and creating their own narrative about this person's homelife and overall personality. Ops "I game for an hour" in reddit's mind means his pregnant wife has to cook, clean, do laundry, take care of their child, remodel the basement, mow the yard, and paint the house because op is a "lazy deadbeat" in the eyes of reddit. He WORKS in this bunker and spends the most minimal time in there. What if he worked at an office 2 hours away with a ten hour workday? That's 14 hours a day he'd be away from home. Would reddit jump down his throat then?

[@jlyo1991]

Yes. Because he’s a man. Men are always wrong and always evil.

[@beetlehabuki4122]

Yeah I love listen to Reddit on KZbin, but damn. Reddit is such a cesspool. Why I’m glad we got our main man guiding the swamps.

[@sabinebuchanan1889]

My thoughts exactly. There was more he could do but he was definitely not a dead beat.

[@agentzapdos4960]

Yes. If he's working so much then he needs to get a better job so that he can take some of the burden off his poor wife.

[@rogerrabbit80]

​@@sabinebuchanan1889 The commenter with the "where's her bunker" bit. Her husband works, the kid is in kindergarten. She has several hours a day alone in her "bunker", which is decorated the way she likes.

[@Deedoof]

Story 2: OP's (now)ex got nasty after after hearing suggestions of therapy/holding off the marriage which tells us exactly what kind of d-bag he is. The commenters are spot on, an older POS rushing to trap a younger victim into marriage is a red flag parade.

[@burntblonde2925]

Being in a bad relationship is worse than being with yourself

[@trashcan2748]

Lmao I loved how this assclown really defended his cheating by saying his wife miscarried. Bro, how the hell is your wife going through a wildly traumatic experience a justification to then go out and cheat on her?? Like get a divorce or stay with her and don’t cheat

[@Deedoof]

@@burntblonde2925You are absolutely right however trauma, naivety, and society tells us the exact opposite. As if our value as individuals is nothing unless we're tied to someone else. It's even more difficult for women because our "value" to society is being a mom and wife and that exploits us to even more pressure to be in a relationship.

[@nationalsocialism3504]

Used up women mad that getting run through in their 20s means that dudes don't want the left over debris in their 30s

[@burntblonde2925]

@@Deedoof So true!! Like you get an award for being in a relationship. My experience was a lot of work, on my part for very little or no reward. I enjoy being single

[@cyberspinosaur1145]

Wholesome fact. A baby echidna qnd platypus are called puggles

[@loganmorningstar9122]

Why does this sound so cute?

[@DemonAngel]

That's so cute!! I also thought that was a type of mixed dog?

[@cyberspinosaur1145]

​@@DemonAngel It is a dog breed too

[@DemonAngel]

​@@cyberspinosaur1145 😅 lol okay

[@Uhoh.3187]

Ok

[@katie42496]

Why were people being SO mean on the bunker story?? It didn't strike me as that bad and people are acting like he was the worst

[@faeb.9618]

right he sounded a little clueless at best and it didn't sound as if the wife raised any of her concerns until recently? i just don't get reddit and their justice boner

[@mcaeln7268]

@@faeb.9618 literally homie went and put himself out there and thanked people for the advice and is taking the advice and people are just so fucking blockheaded

[@Because-rt8qs]

He led with him being in the bunker for hours at a time, then after everyone complained, he mentioned he was actually using it as a home office. He buried the lede because he didn't say anything about WFH until after he was getting a negative reaction.

[@SWATmedivac]

I love the bunker story because it so closely mirrors my own. In particular that "helping" is almost a poisonous word. It took me a while to understand that helping my wife is not how I should think about our relationship. Very important thing to learn.

[@MaryOnA898]

The last story threw me lol him cheating on his wife that miscarried in his 30s is somehow less horrendous than OP sleeping around when she was SINGLE in her late teen/early 20s. She dodged a major bullet with that one.

[@jenndowden8131]

That second story- dude was literally telling her that her having prior partners was somehow worse than his cheating on the vulnerable wife who had just miscarried their child. Dude is scummiest of scum.

[@VNCstudios]

It's the typical alpha red pill mindset. Men are built to have many women while women should be devoted and submissive to only one man her whole life. I hate these people with a burning passion.

[@miaikonteras4006]

I think the solution to Story 1 would be the wife getting OP's old home office as her own space, her personal library with a reading chair. Then she can be in there when OP entertains the kid for an hour or three each day, since he does say he spends time with them. I do undertand OP's desire to have a workspace separate from his home for calls and reasons of focus, especially with a small child around.

[@sandman771]

The wife has the whole house she can pick any room, this was a power play by the wife

[@Drezha3]

Most likely the old home office is a nursery now.

[@szklanylabirynt151]

@@sandman771 Halfway agreed. Apparently, in her eyes, the house was supposed to be for everyone, she just turned it into a home ("to her tastes"). Listen to the update: she wants a shed with all these bookshelves. And that is specifically for her. Her 'bunker', so to speak.

[@fiyahquacker2835]

@@sandman771 at first I thought something similar but with the update your comment is just complete and utter nonsense since the wife is doing almost all the maintenance while dealing with an already born kid while also pregnant with another while op gets to barely do anything. The wife can't pick a room because it's clear by what she said to the op that she doesn't have the same kind of freedom and time he got.

[@bobi6191]

Given the update, it’s pretty clear OP has been spending too much time on gaming and bunker renovations. He hasn’t been pulling his weight when it comes to childcare and household responsibilities so his wife isn’t getting any free time or even enough sleep. He floats the idea of building her a shed, which would act as her own private space where she can read, write and store a paperback book collection. I think that’s a great idea for the long term, but for now he needs to keep taking more responsibility around the house as his wife has clearly been burning herself out trying to juggle everything and needs a break.

[@nadirimyers6643]

Funny how she will never find someone that wants her cus she’s “loose” yet he wanted her and proposed to her in under a year 💀 lol

[@jaymevosburgh3660]

Gods, I hate when boys try and use this bs as a way to hurt feelings. Always because they don't get their way so they lash out. They obviously have zero idea how vaginas work 😂

[@MdMzzz]

I also noticed that one and was surprised the commenters didn't pick up on it. He was probably saving that one for when he was found out cheating next. What a piece of garbage. Him wanting to marry very quickly is also suspicious. Why would he be in such a hurry? Maybe he was hoping OP wouldn't find out what a piece of garbage he is before tying her to him.

[@bryn1063]

. I never see these red pill alphas say the same about men lmao

[@nadirimyers6643]

@@MdMzzz usually they wanna marry quick because of desperation/ not wanting to be alone or like you said wanting to trap her as quickly as possible before she finds out the man he is. With him I feel like it’s a mix of both lol

[@YellaBellaReno]

This guy just found a bunker. He literally dug up an artifact that had become so very nearly lost to his own family’s historical knowledge. So lost that he seriously believed it was most likely just some made up story, concocted from the ramblings of a mad man living in a particularly bad era to suffer from clinical paranoia. That story must have been captivating as a child, and he grew up only to unearth a part of his own mythology, thus becoming a part of the family mythology. That’s sick. What an amazing experience to have in this life. Ya know, there is something to be said for making your own happiness, even after you are a partner and a parent. No one had to tell OP to go look for that bunker. No one had to tell him to dig it out and fix it up. No one had to tell him to put in the work and make it his own. He just did it because he wanted to. I applaud that. OP’s wife is waiting for him to give her permission to do her own version of that. She knows what she wants, but she might feel it’s selfish to do for herself; perhaps even too selfish to even bring up. Maybe it’s a financial situation, or maybe she has trouble prioritizing her own desires over her responsibilities to the household (which might rely on her to accomplish more than her husband). Only OP and his wife know why, but the wife needs to be able to allow herself time and resources to invest in something just because she wants to, and OP needs to actively engage her about what he can do to enable that. It was never about the bunker or the gaming, it was just about him not seeing that she was missing the self fulfillment he has. He assumed she found it in their home and family, and in the process of realizing how false that assumption was, he made his own realization: he took it for granted that his wife was deriving ALL her self-fulfillment from taking care of her children and loving her husband, and yet never stopped to consider if he could get MORE of HIS self-fulfillment from doing the same. He knew being a good dad and husband was important to his character and relationships, but he never really considered that he should be deriving actual fulfillment from it the way he assumed it made his wife happy; the way the bunker makes him happy. Now he does. What a great story to accompany such an integral moment of growth. I wish their family well; may they never HAVE to use that bunker.

[@Morpheusdarkson]

Hopefully he divorces her. She sounds like a nag and needs to be single if she wants hobbies again

[@browhattheactualfu-2659]

Story 2: Idk but I don't think a man who's form of grieving is being unfaithful deserves a partner. Just maybe

[@kristinewatson3702]

He's been on a "healing journey" from ... checks notes... being a cheater. 🤔

[@thanos8077]

Exactly tf is he healing from he's the one who caused the problem, he's not the one who was hurt.

[@Batman-lg2zj]

@@thanos8077 he could feel remorse

[@ajakuk1]

Last story. I've never heard such a gaslighting gas lighter than ops ex in all my life.

[@Uneclipsed]

Last story: Another excellent saying to live by: “The greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” She was right to be suspicious. He probably only came forward because he knew she was going to find out about his previous cheating and was trying to get ahead of it. rushing to marry with this kind of an age gap is always a red flag. And the fact he took the opportunity to pressure and demean her when all she asked for was more time means he can’t sustain the mask for long. It was a stunning glimpse into what the marriage would look like. I’m glad she got out of there, and I hope she never goes back.

[@justabunneh6490]

Bunker guy is a real one. He took responsibility and took action. I'm sure his son will have AWESOME memories of spending time with his papa in the bunker when he grows up.

[@djskjyy]

The way reddit acts when a guy learns his lesson and makes a positive change is so infuriating

[@Callimo]

They are being a bit jaded about it, but they were right; OP was aware of his wife's suffering and instead of shaping up right then and there, he went to Reddit to get the same exact info his wife would have told him to do. I know some folks need to hear the same advice their loved ones gave them from 3rd parties sometimes, but it does sound like OP had a bad case of learned incompetence.

[@agentzapdos4960]

That's because men serve no purpose in society anymore now that everything is built. Society would be infinitely better if it was literally only women from here on out forever.

[@LeggoMyGekko]

For real, like, it’s a judgement subreddit, sure, but if you can’t change your judgement based on the outcome of the situation that says a lot more about you than the people involved. Asking for advice, taking it in, admitting your part, opening up communication, and changing your behavior for the better, are all the marks of a good person and partner. I think so many people have experienced “weaponized incompetence” that they forget “genuine incompetence” exists, and is far more common. This dude didn’t realize what he was doing wrong until he did, and when he did, he changed. That should be rewarded, not punished. What do these people want him to do, travel back in time and just do better from the beginning? All he can do is think about here and now, and the near future.

[@luckyassassin1]

Yeah they are always so sure any change is just temporary. I've changed drastically for the better in my current relationship permanently and it's due to having good communication. If i took any of this to reddit though no one would believe i have changed or even could

[@nocause5395]

​​@@Callimo what's funny is is this such a privileged opinion. If instead of the bunker he was sitting in an office building for 6 hours with a 1 hour commute then no one would have a problem with it. There are people who literally have to work 12 to 14 hour days and there's nothing they can do about it. He's only away for 7 hours.

[@cjandauntieyaya1446]

Story 2: OP is ignoring all the red flags because she is young and naive and the guy is 9 years older than her and is experienced in manipulation. He is love bombing her and is being understanding and caring and all the perfect things. Sometimes perfection is a red flag.

[@Darlin_86]

Maybe he should go back to going into the office, 8 plus hours plus commute, and then ask her what she thinks about it.

[@xplayfan21]

Thank you this is what I'm been thinking over bearing wife over bearing wife

[@TemasHistorias]

I think it is a deservice to do not show even one single positive comment on the first story's update, so here are some (There are more positive comments than negative ones): "It's amazing how much easier this world would be where if instead of being defensive after receiving criticism, we listened with open ears and hearts, and set about making things right. I'm proud of you for listening, learning, and growing from here. I hope that this is the start of a long, wonderful rest of your life." "Hey Bunker Guy, I nearly never comment here but wanted to say, “good for you!” I applaud all of your efforts to hear and act on your wife’s needs. I identify 100% with your wife except my now ex-husband declined to listen. Just really well done you!" "Bunker guy - looks like you have a bright future ahead of you with hexagonal brick structured shed woman 💚" "I love this so much!!! You guys seem really cute and it’s obvious you love each other, I’m so glad to see that you were open to change, and now that you’ve seen how positively it has impacted your wife’s life and even your sex life, I hope you keep it up! PS: “download some emotions” is so savage, tell your wife I’m stealing it 🤣" "Bookworm writes Loves the sims and built replica house I love your wife and i think her and I would be kindred spirits. I totally felt sad for her reading how she described what she was feeling. I'm glad you guys are working it out 😊. PS: I totally would have designed that shed in the SIMS too" "I'm actually tearing up at this update. That you were/are so willing to just listen and try to understand, much less make changes, is so heartwarming I don't even have words. It's wonderful to hear things are going so well for you and your family."

[@rclark8688]

Story 1 confuses me. My thoughtd after the initial post was that it couldn't be about the. bunker. 6-8 hrs a day when it acts as his office space and he does legitimate eirk there is very reasonable. So mu question was how was he spending his time outside the bunker. After the update I have more questions, because apparently he wasn't doing anything. So was he just going inside and staring at a wall for 8 hrs? Was he sleeping for 16 hrs a day? What was he doing eith that time? And if he was inside for 8 hra a day bur his wife said the bunker was the problem, dea this mean she thought he was in the bunker when he wasn't? Was he hiding in a closet for 8 hrs? Like did I misunderstand something because I feel like there mist be a huge section of information missing because those hours don't add up

[@sixfeetundertheradar6080]

I have a hunch that the wife was also concerned about him becoming a hermit like his grandpa

[@SnowyWolborg]

The bunker sounds more like a mix between OP's office work space and his personal hangout spot. And if the current child is in kindergarten, OP spending 6 hours on weekdays is more or less the time the child is in school and the wife is working. If the wife isn't "about to pop" pregnant, she doesn't need OP in her face just because he's home.

[@robertx8020]

btw if OP would go to the office to work he would most likely spend MORE time away from home (unless the office is next door ) but ppl are still angry that he is 'not at home'? Should he stop working too?

[@Davtwan]

The problem was much more than that. OP was not seeing the forest for the trees. A large amount of the time with the first child was spent on fixing up the bunker to begin with. OP’s wife was burned out and was worried this pattern would continue on the second birth. I do agree Reddit is way too cynical for its own good, but this was much more than a time management issue.

[@tamitami9275]

@@Davtwan Also concerning his child, when he said the kids love it, he did not include his own??

[@therealkenny6]

@@tamitami9275 I’m assuming this is because his son is too young to enjoy the bunker.

[@tamitami9275]

@@therealkenny6 They said he is a kindergartner, so five. Sure he would enjoy an underground fort.

[@janedoe885]

Story 1, honestly a lot of those commenters genuinely sound misandrist in their assumptions/treatment of OP. And as a woman who games the people who shit on gamers can fuck off. I don't care what gender the player is. It's a medium same as writing, visual art, music, and dance. None of those commenters gave the wife crap for playing the sims or reading when they don't have concrete benefits to the family either. I'm glad the couple is figuring out how to balance their lives better. This seems like a normal learning curve in their marriage and if they can find an approach that works for them that's awesome. Continuing to demonize OP as he's adjusting to improve the lives of his family and his wife is destructive. Reacting to efforts for improvement with degradation is how you get people to feel hopeless and give up.

[@WhtAbtBob10]

Story 1: I hit Reddit bingo with the comments. They pulled out all the greatest hits there.

[@WyntheRogue]

Story 1: Glad OP and his wife are communicating to solve their issues, it sounded like OP was oblivious and given bad advice from his parents who have an old fashioned mindset. Sometimes the best approach is to sit down and have a MASSIVE come to Jesus moment with the spouse causing the grievance at hand. It wasn't the bunker per say but more the wife was feeling alone, overwhelmed and burnt out which are very valid reasons to be upset. Here's hoping these two can move forward as it does sound like communication wins the day [for now as only time will tell]. Here's also hoping OP will look into cooking lessons [Dad was a police officer but still knew how to make a mean lasagna from scratch and some pretty baller cakes!] Story 2: Geez, poor OP! Feeling a little uncomfortable about her partner's past infidelity isn't all that unreasonable and she was willing to work out these issues with couple's counseling. Also to the people trying to excuse her ex partner's cheating, what the actual f*ck?! Why is it that it's "A man has needs" when he cheats but if a woman makes a mistake in the heat of the moment, they're called every synonym for wh*re/thot? **[DISCLAIMER: I don't condone cheating period, it's never okay no matter who does it. Just tired of the double standard that men are somehow gods in the bedroom the more sex they have where women who show any sign of a libido/enjoy sex (without cheating obvi) they're labeled subhuman whores/given the scarlet letter and are shamed for enjoying sex.]**

[@mcaeln7268]

Literally. Story 1, ppl forget that sometimes information is received differently when it comes from a third party not involved in the relationship.

[@SigmarChadwick]

Story 1. Boy when you said you sound like jaded bitter reddit people at the end you really hit the nail on the head. Dude makes some real change and progress and yall cant help but dogpile and shit on him anyways. Its kinda sad ngl.

[@Davtwan]

To be fair, changing one’s ways only to slowly revert back later is a tale as old as time. Considering he was unaware about his living situation when there was a second child on the way, I can understand why a lot of folks are taking his word with a grain of salt. With that said, I am going to hope he is going to make it though despite everyone’s doubts. If he’s determined enough to refurbish a bunker, then he has the potential to be determined enough for parenting. Best of luck to OP.

[@robertx8020]

You're new to Reddit? This is how they react on a average day

[@fiyahquacker2835]

Many can make changes but what matters is keeping up said changes and improving upon them since if you make changes but slowly revert to how you were then clearly your will to be a better person is lacking.

[@faeb.9618]

this is why i stick to silly subreddits like oddlysatisfying or game ones and so on when im on there. it's insane how no matter what people always react like that, bitter and angry and wanting to nail you to the cross if you're so much as a little wrong. it's not even their own life, is it that hard to try and be a little more optimistic the moment people realize they fucked up and actually work on improving?

[@RJLiams]

​@@fiyahquacker2835 sure but this is still a positive step forward. Why shit on that? Why not encourage him to continue the change and give different advice for the new life he has? Being consistent in a change for a month may not be much, but it's still commendable.

[@user-fg4tn8ot6b]

Story two: *The ex-fianceé did, in fact, not change. At all! I hope his ex-wife is okay. I hope OP is okay.* 😬

[@randomusername3873]

So basically, op is a present father and does his part around the house The bunker is open to the family and they can contact him anytime He spends 6 hours a day in there, but mainly working (so how is that even a complain) How is he in the wrong exactly? And of course, he says that he doesn't even feel at home in his own house because it's totally in his wife's liking, but somehow this is not a massive red flag on how little the wife cares about his opinion. She is of course a victim

[@tamsel814]

If the house is totally to his wife's liking then how come the house did not contain any space for her hobby of reading physical books.

[@babybookworm003]

Reddit gender bias

[@Batman-lg2zj]

@@tamsel814 wow she could have told him

[@fiyahquacker2835]

@@Batman-lg2zj probably did before.

[@drako8343]

@@tamsel814 maybe it just wasn’t feasible since they have to build her an entire new area for her to enjoy full bookshelves

[@GIChiyo]

Story 2: I seriously don't understand how someone can be resentful towards someone for a miscarriage, it's not like she chose for it to happen...I never understood that logic some people have about it...

[@mbyerly9680]

It's all about me, and I don't want reality to interfere with my own pleasures.

[@trillionbones89]

Miscarriage is probably a blessing in a very strong disguise. Imagine having kids with him...

[@heatherdickau5335]

Story 1 just go back into the office to work. You will be gone even longer.

[@donoharmony]

Jesus Christ Jelllybears was kinda crazy … why they gotta act like the change that the husband wanted to make and spent time putting effort isn’t valid?

[@mcaeln7268]

guarantee you they’re a discord mod who hasn’t touched grass

[@mcaeln7268]

This is part of why I despise Reddit. First OP seemed like he was coming to reddit for genuine help and advise, and not trying to paint himself in a good light. He was so transparent and wanted to know what he did wrong, but instead people tore into him as if he was a narcissist who didn’t care at all. Those people who tore into him like that probably live on their computer.

[@alannajones330]

My mom's house has a partial finished basement. I used to stay down there all of the time. It was my bunker.

[@notoriousd.i.g.87]

Story 1: Damn, all those people at the end of the story are infuriating. So much projection. You just read a positive update about how OP is doing more around the house and is even going to build a place for his wife to have a place all to herself just like he has. And how do people respond, by betting on OP's downfall, assuming he's going to just dump all the labor onto his wife, being judgmental and on some sort of high horse when this man is making genuine effort to improve. Smh, people don't want peace, they want problems always.

[@SigmarChadwick]

I thought the same thing. Like dude makes some real progress and y'all can't help but dogpile and shit on him even more. Damned if you do

[@fiyahquacker2835]

@@SigmarChadwick the progress is in the short term but given the past I don't find it unreasonable to be weary about how long the progress will last.

[@dallen3000]

But to be fair, op spends 6 hours a weekday in the bunker and 4 hours on weekends. So 38 hours a week. Op still spends more time at home than the usual 40+ hour full time worker. Not to mention commute times. Is he really that big an ashole to yall?

[@AIBot929]

He's not super bad but at first he didn't listen to his wife when she said she needs help, ignoring her plea for him to be more present made him the butthole

[@catandrobbyflores]

I mean, yeah, if the wife is too tired to read two pages of a book something is wrong. Mental exhaustion is a thing and she's growing a baby.

[@drako8343]

@@AIBot929she says she needs help. But think about the amount of time he is in the home helping. More than the typical full time working parent. So is it the wife needs help or she needs to stop being resentful that his day involves something other than the baby work wise. Monotony can be a drain.

[@fiyahquacker2835]

@@drako8343this is so dense. No he definitely isn't helping much in the home plus it sounds like his work is nowhere near as tiring and stressful as MAINTAINING A HOUSE WHILE DEAL WITH 1 KID OUT OF YOUR BODY AND ANOTHER GROWING INSIDE. What he's doing is absolutely not more than the typical working parent and if anything it's less than.

[@drako8343]

@@fiyahquacker2835 the kid outside her body is in school during the day though. And again, your having a negative perspective on a Situation that is neutral can entirely cause negative consequences for your mental health. So OPs wife needs to address her mindset as well. As evidenced by the whole as soon as I thought I got my autonomy back I ended up pregnant again and couldn’t think of myself as anything other than a baby machine. She’s doing it to herself. She needs therapy

[@NinjaNanya]

Was anyone else confused by the first story? The updates made him the AH but from the original story I actually thought he sounded fine once the update of how many hours he spend working. But once that she had no free time became clear it was obvious he was the AH. But the way the comments came in it seems like I missed some detail of her not having free time from his first post or some subtext re between the lines stuff. I love AITA for learning what parts of myself has biases I can't see. And this post had it been a someone asking me I'd have absolutely missed the mark that it. And I'm glad to see there was more I missed but I still don't know how reddit saw it.

[@berobero686]

Yeah first OP seems to be unreliable narrator ( just spend x amount of time in bunker, do my share of parenting) considering his wives complaints and that from updates it seems her complaints weren't baseless.

[@drako8343]

Did she have no free time, or did she simply not have the mental energy to utilize her free time and also it wasn’t exactly the way she demanded. She’s a reader, he got her an e reader and an audiobook subscription. It’s not paper and she doesn’t get to turn real pages so it’s garbage. The wife is a bit ridiculous

[@fiyahquacker2835]

@@drako8343 found the neglectful husband. Even with all the gifts in the world none of it will make up for lost time and neglecting the feelings of another.

[@drako8343]

@@fiyahquacker2835 oh, so because your arguments based on what was actually said in the story are garbage, I’m a shitty husband. You know nothing about me other than I refuse to blame the man for his wife’s issues that he did not cause and was unable to address because she chose not to communicate the actual issue. Grow the fuck up.

[@pinkiepower1968]

So if bunker OP's wife is getting a shed that's all hers, does that mean OP can redecorate part of the house in his style? He said the house is all her, and part of the reason he spends time in his bunker is because he got to choose everything in it. Now that wife has a space of her own, OP should get to choose some things in the main house so it's truly a shared space they both can enjoy. PS the reddit misandry was strong in the end comments of bunker story, wow

[@randomusername3873]

I guess that since the wife will spend time in the shed, redditors will call her out for being a burden, right?

[@QuayHollywood]

Wait, but then she also moved into the bunker and started redecorating it to her taste? Like what? The entire house is represented by her likes, and then he invites her into his space, and she starts to take that over, too? Smh, he's not the only problem. She's the problem, too.

[@tracicolvis7382]

I don't know. It sounded like he spent all his spare time renovating and setting up his bunker and like he didn't take an interest in the house. So it could be the house is to her tastes because he didn't care more so than that she wouldn't let him have a say in it.

[@fiyahquacker2835]

@@QuayHollywood except just because she gets to make choices over the house that doesn't mean she gets the time to make said choices.

[@QuayHollywood]

@fiyahquacker2835 This doesn't correlate to what I said. She went to his space after they had their convo and he started making changes but she agreed that it would be his space but still started changing things to fit her liking.

[@thatwaffleguy4958]

Man, that commenter from Story 1 who's upset that OP plays video games and "There's a reason why like 75% of the adult women I know consider being a gamer to be an absolute deal breaker"... It boggles my mind that people can immediately think "The person I am interested in does X hobby, deal breaker sorry". If you consider a hobby to be a deal breaker, sounds like the person would be better off without your unnecessary drama in their lives. And to call playing video games "ultimately meaningless" and "is just not what they're looking for in a partner", how about you give up makeup or cooking? We'll all die eventually, so feeding yourself or makeup-ifying yourself is ultimately meaningless and just not what your partner is looking for. Sounds like the poster got dumped for always complaining about their partner playing video games (most likely to avoid them, judging by their opinions on video games) and is now acting like men who have a certain hobby are beneath them. Get off your high horse, Patricia, we all have something we like to do to relax. I need to go to bed instead of listening to the stories that spike my blood pressure...

[@randomusername3873]

I really hope all of those women never turn on the TV, or read a book, or any hobby ever

[@mbyerly9680]

So many Reddit stories are about a compulsive gamer man child who does nothing and will leave a baby crying in dirty diapers for hours because he's gaming. Those out outliers, fortunately, but it does happen.

[@ladystonebridge6784]

Story 2: tell tail sign you are with an abuser? They tell you no one will want you and you will die alone when you try to leave. My ex-boyfriends last words to me were “if you don’t want to die alone and never be with someone ever again you will get back with me” I’m glad I told him I would rather die alone in the end because here I am married to a good man who is an actual partner with two beautiful children so much for dying alone. Lol

[@EmiltPaige58]

My husband is a gamer and he has a "man corner" in our bedroom (we live in a tiny apartment otherwise it would be a man cave). He's pretty introverted and needs his alone time on the weekends. But I usually go in and sit on the bed and chat with him throughout the day(s). He loves to show me cool parts of his games and tell me about the missions and side quests. He plays a lot of games set in middle ages, so it's actually pretty informative. Then I go out and do my own thing. Our son will be born soon so I don't mind letting him have alone time because soon everything will change. It's good to have alone time but not at the expense of your relationships. My husband plays his switch while we watch tv together after dinner on the weekdays. This way we are together but he can unwind in the way that helps him unwind best (while still cuddling on the couch). We don't use electronics or TV during dinner though. That's talking time. I can't imagine how lonely the first OPs wife is, I enjoy having my hubs around and chatting and cuddling all while he does his hobby. It doesn't have to be mutually exclusive. OP can also spend time with his child by playing games and whatnot around the baby. My husband plans on sharing his hobbies with our son (as do I) and has even looked up videos about how to safely hold a napping baby while gaming.

[@rachelmartin5187]

I think ESH is the best verdict for the Bunker story. The wife is TA for not bringing up her concerns sooner and OP is TA for spending more time in the Bunker than in THEIR home. I'm glad they talked and I hope things improve for them. Honestly their issue is minimal compared to alot of the other sh*t shows that have happened on this thread. At least the OP in this story didn't get an art room....if y'all know what I mean.

[@mikeremski2102]

So the bunker is a home office.

[@jimdob6528]

As a stay at home father I honestly see nothing wrong with the op in story 1. I do well over 90% of everything in the home/garden/yard work/cooking/childcare.

[@fiyahquacker2835]

So you see nothing wrong with what the op is doing even though you're more in the wife's position, you don't mention how big or small your work load is compared to the wife's and you aren't doing the work while pregnant.

[@Entrantress]

I completely agree with you. I’m confused by everyone being upset with OP. He works in the space if he went to the office she wouldn’t see him. Time spent gaming would be time spent commuting. Everyone deserves and opportunity to unwind I genuinely thing people are upset because of OPs gender. He’s reachable via an intercom. Like none of this makes sense.

[@ashleighcalloway886]

Yeah I thought the same thing he's mostly working and spends 4 hours over Saturday AND Sunday doing his own thing.

[@Entrantress]

@@ashleighcalloway886 exactly and it’s so clear that people aren’t taking him at his word. I empathize with the wife but even in the updates it’s clear that the cave isn’t the problem but the comments are still so cynical.

[@rubystone9074]

I think theres a disconnect on both OP and his wife in the bunker story. Yes, I agree he shouldve started pulling his weight more around the house after work and give his wife 1 to 2 hours of free time like he gets himself, but I also beleive that the wife shouldve been more vocal about her problems earlier on, instead of just hoping he would simply "figure it out" one day, before she snapped. No ones a mind reader, and sometimes people (in this case OP) get so comfortable with one routine they dont see the problems it gives others. Its not usually intentional. Just ignorant. Overall, they werent doing a very good job with communicating, but it seems like things are starting to change. Oh, and she didnt get "suddenly pregnant". They were both reckless. The fault lies on both of them.

[@madnessofvdub]

Op clearly states he helps around the house. The wife is just a selfish ass person.

[@raptoress6131]

He's considering ignoring her, and wonders if she's just irrational bc of pregnancy hormones. Yes, give this man a medal for communication.

[@faeb.9618]

@@raptoress6131 he's asking how to communicate things with her because he's not sure if pregnancy hormones are having anything to do with this and how to not have things go south when he talks to her? how's that a problem, pregnancy hormones do make things more complicated and he's trying to figure out how to navigate it

[@jenniferh.7219]

Story 1: how old is OP again? If OP spends 6 hours a day a week for work each day, that is not bad. If it's 4 hours total on weekends that's not bad either. He may need to coordinate the hours on the weekend so they work best for his family. If the 6 hours are part of his work time that's not bad nonetheless I wonder if he's spending more time in the bunker than reported, also it seems as if he still needs to spend more time with his wife and family Beyond just my wife can reach me by intercom etc

[@jettanyx1]

#1 I just want to throw it out there…I’d the wife didn’t want to get pregnant right after giving birth someone should’ve discussed birth control

[@Shualee13]

Man I'm so glad the comments in here are so different compared to what was read from reddit. I'll never under why whenever reddit finds out a husband ( or wife ) is a gamer with a family they are immediately public enemy number 1. Reddit always gives me " gaming while having a family is big bad " vibes. You can game and have a family, you can balance the two. Just like having a cup of tea ( coffee or whatever ) and reading a book or sitting down alone and watching your favorite show or movie is a perfectly acceptable way to relax. Playing a hour or two of videos is the same. Everyone finds relaxation in different ways. It's in no way shape or form a "red flag" Also holy crap way to shit on a haply ending, OP took the criticism and is making change. While reddit just shits on him for not "getting it right" the first time and just assume it'll go back to how it was. Shitty attitudes like that make people not what to try in the first place because if you shit on the attempt what's the point in trying? Just take the happy update for someone trying to be better and leave the man alone. If he comes back with an update in the future and he fucks up okay that's on him but for now he's doing his best and that's all anyone can do.

[@randomusername3873]

Because mysandry He literally explains that he does his share of chores/childcare, but he's been accused of letting all the work to his wife Not to mention, he literally works in the bunker I guess work is not important anymore

[@fiyahquacker2835]

@@randomusername3873 he doesn't share how much of them he actually does and it sounds like she's doing the vast majority while pregant. Work is important but when you let it and your own personal pleasures neglect your wife and kids then you're an a bad person

[@faeb.9618]

they see two stories of actually toxic dudes that can't let go of their gaming addiction and immediately lose their minds whenever anyone says they like gaming. its honestly really sad to see considering how many good things can come out of gaming and how many people have happy relationships regardless of hobbies. my relationship has some of the best quality time together through gaming together, be it actually playing together things like overcooked or stardew or just one playing and the other watching. i really hate that this stigma of 'you say you're a gamer? oh you're such a loser, good bye you'll never care about anything or anyone else i know this already'is coming up so strongly

[@driversuz44]

"Mental Load." Is that the new "Emotional Labor?" lol.

[@namename2040]

Story 1 NTA So OP spends 6-8 hours in the bunker work time and break. What is the problem? He helps with the house, the kid is in kindergarten. What is the issue here? Edit to update: the bunker wasnt even the problem they were psuedo different people. Edit to update 2: the bunker wasnt the real issue. They both had communication problems. The comments saying oh he should have realized sooner don't realize complaining about one specific thing unrelated to your issues isn't someone telling what they need.

[@tamsel814]

Because part of being married is spending quality tone with your spouse. He had his private bunker while she did not have any private space herself.

[@Joetorres3]

@@tamsel814the house was decorated to her liking. She does have her space. Is the same in my house. My wife choose what goes in every space. The only place o have is my office.

[@babybookworm003]

If genders were reversed

[@lauraanderson8785]

It's not a problem that he was working in the bunker. I think the issue was that he was spending "at least 4 hours" there during the weekends and the opposite never happened where he would watch the kids for at least 4 hours so she could have free time. His wife complained that she hadn't been able to engage with her hobbies in years. Only in the last update he said that he was starting to watch the kids so she could have a couple hours to herself, which is good, I'm glad they sorted it out. The arrangement they had before was too one-sided, healthy couples should be a team and both should get equal amounts of free time.

[@namename2040]

@@tamsel814 so how does one spend quality time with their spouse while working? And based on the first update it just seems like they have different values as people. I got interrupted so I'm about to watch the second update

[@randomusername3873]

2nd story "I have no reason to not trust him" Him cheating on his wife seems a valid reason to me

[@user-fg4tn8ot6b]

*While said ex-wife was dealing with the aftermath of a miscarriage.*

[@hvymax]

OP should move everything into the house and then some until she begs him to haul his crap out.

[@Batman-lg2zj]

Op isn’t at fault in story 1. He isn’t the asshole

[@fiyahquacker2835]

Actually he absolutely was.

[@trillionbones89]

Op2: the reason you can't trust him is because he lied during a confession.

[@roverdover4449]

Most husbands only have a toilet to hide in. He's got a whole bunker. Poor wife. On the other hand, he's going to have to start going in to the office to get work done.

[@kayq3231]

I love sewing. It's my favorite hobby and I'd love it to become a paid profession for me. That being said, video games suck me in so hard. I have make sure I don't take my switch into my sewing area.

[@Bleg94]

1. Story: comments were basically: "How dare you work in your bunker instead of the office!"

[@KarmaCifer]

I don't agree with most people in the bunker story. You normally work like 6-8 hours a day and then another hour or 2 to travel from and back home. Most people are out of reach for 8-10 hours a day but OP is just getting 7-8 hours a day just at a sprint away from home. His wife needs to respect his working hours and 1 hours of me time is not much to ask for. It could be good if after working he could give his wife one hour of free time too by spending time and playing with the kids. Having a direct way of communication to the bunker and giving her one hour of free time should be the best way of making things equal and fair. People are getting too mad about him having healthy habits and not sacrificing absolutely all of his time for his family. He's just taking one hour of free time, it's nothing like those cases with gamer husbands that spend 5-8 hours a day gaming.

[@robertx8020]

THIS!! They see...2 hours gaming and making into ...he is just gaming all day and lets his wife do all the work ...oh and he must be hitting her too /s

[@fiyahquacker2835]

@@robertx8020 well considering his work is clearly not as streeful and tiring as what his wife is dealing he is a bit neglectful. Should've relieved her for a bit after finishing work so she can recoup for a bit to be able to do any final touch ups at as much strength as she can manage.

[@trillionbones89]

How can you listen to the last update and still stick to that opinion?

[@trillionbones89]

How can you listen to the last update and still stick to that opinion?

[@robertx8020]

@@fiyahquacker2835 So should he go to the office all day iso working from home? I bet his wife would have even more stress

[@maurer3d]

Story 2: NTA, this is the kind of "confession" that should have happened in the first 3 dates, not after you got engaged. This inherently proves he has not changed and is still a manipulative user. On top of that he didn't "confess" that he still works with the woman he had the affair with. He is still lying by omission, and about who he is. Whats next, are you going to meet a second mistress, then confront him again, then another. What he is telling you is that as soon as your relationship is hard he is going to cheap on you too. Story 2 (update): Wow those red flags went from just a few to an entire parades worth in an instant. He is comparing apples to Anvils here, having a few past intimacy partners is nowhere near cheating on your spouse or significant SO. He has just revealed his whole true self and how he truly feels about you.

[@ladyv5655]

I broke up with a guy years ago who for a while tried to get back with me. He once asked why I didn't want to get back together with him and I told him that I completely lost all trust for him, that love wasn't enough and everything he said and did since the break up showed me that he wasn't even trying to regain my trust. He said something like, "Why does that even matter?", but was unable to tell me how I would benefit from being with him, other than , "Nobody else will love you like I do."😂.

[@MisaoMeowchan]

"Where's your wife's equivalent bunker" literally the rest of the house, she has the whole house to make how she wants. She's also complaining about 6-8hrs a day on weekdays ie what he would be doing if he went into an office, and 4 hrs to do his own thing on the weekends. Reddit is God Dam delusional along with the wife "take the kid to work so I can have free time" that wouldn't be an option if he was working in an office away from home

[@clockworkmedic1026]

I think you misunderstand how this works. She doesn't have the house, the kid /they anyway have/ does. He's giving numbers but I have doubts given he's now also helping with childcare, while she's also working he mentioned. So she was working, looking after the house and kid whine he literally hid away. I think some people were too harsh on him. He does need his space and time too, and he was clearly raised in the 'woman does house stuff, you're a babysitter' environment. But his pregnant wife also needs eight hours each weekend to not deal with a child, doesn't seem she ever got that.

[@wmdkitty]

@@clockworkmedic1026 If he "needs" that much space and time, he shouldn't have gotten married or had kids.

[@clockworkmedic1026]

@@wmdkitty I never said he needed that much. They have a small child, that is a sacrifice you're making. But also, having /some/ space and time means you have the mental, emotional and physical capacity to be a good parent rather than running on fumes and modelling unhealthy behaviours for your children. So, /both/ of them deserve /some/ time. They problem was he took all of it and her none.

[@MissPumpkin91]

So he can have his alone time but she has to take care of the baby, house and her job at the same time while he works and then games until it’s late afternoon? Yeah right

[@MisaoMeowchan]

@FeyPumpkin he's spending less time in his bunker than most people do at a regular job. If he went back to working at the office in person he would be gone for the 6 to 8 hours a day plus travel time. Work from home does not equal free to hang out with his wife and look after the kids

[@EchoJ]

While I do think OP is disconnected too much and didn’t understand what the division of labor should’ve meant, I also felt like his wife was too needy and whiny about being pregnant as if she had no say in the matter. Good that he took the opportunity for correction seriously, but jhfc…all the hate he was getting for assuming his role as husband was primarily as breadwinner _when that’s been the norm in societies the world over for…damned near ever_ was a bit much. I refuse to believe all those folks giving him grief and crowing on their soapboxes are such attentive partners/parents at home. Otherwise, divorce rates and infidelity wouldn’t still be so common.

[@ZomBeeQueeen]

I don’t see the issue with the bunker, especially not the extent of “abandoned”. Even before the update I thought she was just unhappy with a lot of things and being more martyr rather then taking time to herself as well

[@randomusername3873]

The problem is that Op is a man that dares to not be miserable That's the only problem

[@KazumiKiguma]

I completely DISAGREE with what the last few comments are saying for the first story's update. We as a society are coming to realize that people learn in different ways than what was forced to be the standard, so why is it now ok to take that same thing but towards this topic and treat them like shit for it? How are we not sure that some of what we've classified as autism isn't actually applicable to various topics when it comes to issues learning and has been around for who knows how long but just treated as the much easier to accept "they're an asshole" because anger and brute force is easier than empathy and teaching? How many people learn through their mistakes? It wasn't because he suddenly realized the problems and worked to solve them, it was because he actually had a conversation with his wife instead of just getting threats and anger. People need to get off their high horse acting like they're so perfect in their lives just because they were naturally good at one thing someone else wasn't, no matter what it is.

[@agentzapdos4960]

Nah. Men serve no purpose in society. Full stop.

[@ericmishima]

Story 1: funny when you're IN the situation you can't see something as simple as a posted schedule.

[@adjwindu70]

Story 1: my thought is a man cave. I have an office that was my man cave. It became my office then as well. That has me in this room 8 hours for work and maybe an hour or 2 for gaming.

[@Puuha1]

Its always funny how reddit users can "know" everything about people from one little story or sometimes with few sentence :D

[@Ohohhohoh]

Wow, even when the OP of the first story improves and makes changes most people wouldn’t make, the misandrists keep howling on Reddit.

[@dandix1892]

Not the ah Op get rid of the controlling wife and keep the bunker because it will bring you more happiness than your wife ever will

[@fiyahquacker2835]

If you think that wife is controlling you really need to get your sh×t together cause damn was she nice.

[@dandix1892]

@@fiyahquacker2835 how is she nice he works so she can stay at home with the kids and Just because he has somewhere he can call his own and do what he wants she goes nuts and just a reminder most of the time he spends in the bunker is working not just playing around avoiding house work or time with family

[@untiedshoelaces2588]

Story 2: Once a cheater, always a cheater. Keeping someone like this in your life is the same as keeping a venomous reptile as a pet. It never ends well.

[@macylouwho1187]

This is why I built my husband a man cave room in our house. I did the lions share of the work because he works six days a week, and because that’s what I do anyway (remodel houses into nice rentals). He only helped me hang trimwork and a few cabinets that I couldn’t do alone because it takes more than one person to hold them up. But everything was picked out by him, it was all his own style. That’s how I ended up with a full blown space themed room with Star Wars collectibles all over it next to my elegant English manor style living room with classic imported William Morris wallpaper and half red oak paneled walls and heavy woodwork/trimming everywhere 😂. Going from one room to the next is quite the jarring experience. It looks like the galaxy threw up all over the walls and ceiling-space murals everywhere. But I figured he needed his own space for TV, gaming, a wet bar because he collects good spirits etc. He needed a “chick free” room of his own to do with as he wants. And because it made him so happy, I’m going to be converting an unused dining room (we have an eat in kitchen we tend to stay in) into a pub room for him and his friends to hang in. His booze collection has overflowed his wet bar in the man cave so I thought why not give him another big room to trick out like a cool “man pub” with a mirrored lit up back wall of alcohol/spirits and bar counter/bar stools? It would be much more fun and entertaining than a boring old dining room anyway.

[@LovesGaming37]

And what about you? Where is your man free space?

[@macylouwho1187]

@@LovesGaming37 hehe thanks for worrying about me, but I do have some rooms that are more to my taste like the formal living room, kitchen, and a bathroom that I put a jetted tub in which the whole thing is pretty spa like. I’ve got my spaces but I don’t mind sharing them personally.

[@potatoempress5731]

"I married a human, not a sim. DOWNLOAD SOME EMOTIONS" yesssssssssss waifu digital burn I'm here for it!

[@AmyRuby]

I learned about mental load by being thrown into it. My husband who pulls his weight mostly, still needed to see me practically have a nervous breakdown to get it.

[@eloniom5768]

Story 1: NTA. If you are a man, never even bother going into Reddit asking for opinions because is one of the most misandries places on the net. I don't know why men even go there. Edit: So it had nothing to do with the bunker and all those Redditors from the fist part were wrong. Lol.

[@Khaisz.]

Story 1: Assuming he isn't lieing about the time h spends in the bunker, I see nothing wrong with what he is doing. Let's assume he sleeps for 7 hours, spends 6 hours working and 1-2 hour gaming. That means he spends 13 hours doing necessary non-family things that isn't relevant to the situation at all. What is relevant is the 1-2 hour for himself and 9-10 hours of family/chores/parenting. Edit after update: oh okay, so he did nothing those other 9-10 hours. Yeah that makes him the AH instead.

[@L0wSkiller]

How many parts of myself must i sell to have my own BUNKER attached to my house by a tunnel 😢

[@juliearmfield2634]

Story 1 nta this is where he does his work do you know his work to support the household pay all the bills. I can understand how he would need a change for his mental health to separate work from home. It's not like he's 10 miles away he's 900 ft away so he's right there in case anything happens. Some people are acting like he spends 16 hours a day in the bunker

[@sukuna-]

He does spend his free time in bunker too.

[@drako8343]

@@sukuna-yeah. 4 hours on The Weekend.

[@cryofist]

@@sukuna- of the 138 hours in the week he spends at home after after already taking out the 30 he works he spends 9 hours to himself, 9 hours out of 138 for himself. and that sounds like too much to you?

[@jazminehollister3967]

Story 1: NTA wife needs to treat the time in the bunker like OP was still working at the office, because what would she be doing then?. 1 hour to get to work, work 6 hours, 1 hour to get home and a lunch in between meaning 8 hours uninterrupted. The fact he is still on property is the problem for her. Now if he was in there all day everyday 10+ hours that would be different.

[@Elrewin59]

The problem wasn't the time he went working in there, the problem was that after this (significant) portion of time, he STILL stayed there to play video games. Leaving his wife do all the child and house care with no time to do things for herself while he had a sweet time in his little private bunker.

[@jazminehollister3967]

@@Elrewin59 I was saying in the 8 hours I suggested is the 1-2 hours he might game because he only works 6 hours, as if he was going to work at an office he might still come back to game and decompress. It seems like the issue was the wife didn't have any hobbies outside of her family and might be going through a compounded postpartum and prepartum depression as she was losing motivation for the hobbies she used to have. There are 24 hours a day and if the toddler is daycare 4-8 hours a day that leaves her alone and she's having issues finding how to handle herself during that time?

[@drako8343]

@@jazminehollister3967thank youuu

[@michealwatts7469]

Story 1: Just need to compromise. The wife and OP have their own spaces maybe they can meet in the middle of that 900foot stretch. I dont see any assholes honestly for the sole fact that he came to reddit for advice and is taking notes.

[@randomusername3873]

"I do my fair share of parenting and childcare" Of course redditors will ignore that and pretend the wife is the only one doing it Of course Edit: oh, so the wife reads and writes? What a deadbeat, she shouldn't spend time doing non family related activities. Right?

[@xxanimefanxx5526]

Yeah just women always blaming the guy for any small or rightfully big thing but still it's always the guys fault and he is responsible and a "monster" for any "I'm my eyes" thing he did. And the girl even if she does anything bad then it's the guy's fault still. Reddit just has so many sjw and babies that get angry for someone not agreeing with their way of life

[@smapa1185]

He really didn't though. His wife was the sole adult around with the child for a long time while he gamed after work. She didn't have time to herself, while he did. Also, having to call your husband on a radio is pathetic. I doubt she was being unreasonable. She just wanted a partner who actually was present.

[@drako8343]

@@smapa1185he spends a max of 7 hours in the bunker on work days. An average workday is 8 hours plus commuting times. He’s actually really present.

[@raptoress6131]

@@drako8343 He didn't say max 7 hours, he said atleast 6 hours, as in that is the minimum and he could spend 10+ hours in a day there for what we know.

[@drako8343]

@@raptoress6131 he said at least 6 because he can’t sign out of work prior to that. And it sounds like he finishes his work early on a regular basis. So plus his gaming time I’m putting it at 7 hours. You’re pulling 10 out of nowhere.

[@RosesTeaAndASD]

Bunker guy: Made better choices Reddit: He's still a jerk!

[@trillionbones89]

Marriage doesn't last 2 months. These better choices need to stick and not just be made once. He only listened to his wife after the internet told him to. He is on the way not to be a jerk, but your meme disregards that in a very callous way.

[@mireyarinna171]

Dang. Does anyone value redemption? How does anybody move past foolishness if folks just pile on judgement? We don’t know what examples he was raised with. Everybody’s intelligent in different ways. Hope no one thinks that knocking him for trying will help in any way. Glad his wife has a forgiving heart.

[@Boomgaardian]

Reddit was for real mad that this dude had a job and a hobby

[@randomusername3873]

Husbands are just there to support the family, they are not real people

[@Boomgaardian]

@@randomusername3873 as a husband myself, this is true. Can confirm

[@fiyahquacker2835]

@@Boomgaardian well having a job and a hobby isn't an excuse to neglect your wife and kid/'s.

[@Boomgaardian]

@@fiyahquacker2835 I was definitely using hyperbole, I agree with you but if he's actually working for only 6 hours a day with no commute then I honestly don't know what he's supposed to do about that. He could definitely spend less time during the weekends especially, but I don't think it was nearly as terrible as reddit wanted it to be.

[@tgbedini]

Among the many oddities of this character, one that I always wince at is, "but I'm a lousy cook." Usually it's a man, and his profession is something like chemical engineer or rocket scientist, but for some reason, following simple instructions from a cookbook or, more likely these days, a youtube video, is totally beyond their abilities. FFS, you take ingredients from a recipe, slice and dice, apply heat, and stir once in a while. You don't have to be Gordon Ramsey, just measure, watch, and buy a little kitchen timer. In at least 90% of the cases, I call weaponized incompetence. (and I'm so old, I almost used Escoffier as my example.)

[@tamsel814]

Growing up I believed that people stating I'm a lousy cook to mean that they do not enjoy cooking and only make quick and easy meals. I learned in uni that I was wrong. I had to share a kitching with a guy tried to boil pasta without using water, twice!

[@madgevanness4011]

Lousy cook: problem is not just recipes, but an ADHD person may get distracted, a neurodivergent person may have trouble using spice for a family, someone with anosmia may not smell off foods….

[@drako8343]

Some people just suck at cooking and baking.

[@maurer3d]

Story 1: If you are spending more than an hour in there every day, then you are spending far to much time there (unless you are working from home and using it as your office). You are a father with another one on the way you need to be present and raise your children. Story 1 (ETA 2): if you are only in the bunker for the 6 hours you spend working from home, then NTA, as when you are working for home you are supposed to be present and undisturbed. Kind of making the bunker a perfect office. Story 1 KayCeeBayBee Comment: Gaming is not a "waste of time", it is a great tool to help unwind. Just like women reading trashy books. The key thing is both partners need to have equal "free time" to engage in their solo winddown activity. Even if it is just an hour a day, it is important to have that escape. In this particular case it doesn't sound like the wife is getting any time to herself, which is why the OP is the AH. Story 1 (update): Yup confirmation that OP isn't giving his wife any me time, but this is a simple fix. Finish work, then come to the house, and take over all parenting for an hour or 2 ti let her read, relax, shower, then help get dinner ready, then parent a few more hours together, then after the kids are down, take an hour to yourself to do whatever in the house, then go to sleep at the same time.

[@alyzu4755]

Ugh! The whole "men cant control themselves" is such B.S, and its insulting. And the fact that he thinks her sexual history is worse than his cheating on his wife who'd recently miscarried spesks volumes anout HIM. He's definitely an AH.

[@catking1059]

Story 1 reminds me of the hole digger

[@krystalfloods6197]

What is wrong with the comments? It’s his bunker that his relative made. He is literally working. The wife gets several hours to herself while the kid is at school, so shouldn’t he get time to himself also? And he should not be bothered while he’s actually working. Not surprised by the comments, because Reddit is extremely sexist

[@SnowyWolborg]

This is one of those topics that Redditors are pre-triggered about. Husbands having man caves, MILs existing, teens not having their bodily autonomy validated, etc. These are all situations where Redditors are foaming at the mouth, ready to judge without actually paying attention to see who's actually in the wrong.

[@thatwaffleguy4958]

​@@SnowyWolborgAccording to other commenters, the original post has a lot of positive comments and Markee cherry picked only the negative ones.

[@krystalfloods6197]

@@thatwaffleguy4958 I completely forgot that I’ve seen a lot of KZbinrs that post Reddit stories that do that

[@ElisaSarah]

I am in a relationship where I am more sexually experienced than my so,and he says it makes it easier that I know my body so I can better guide him. I cheated in only one relationship, one I never agreed to be in and I had tried breaking up with the guy 3 separate times..... And he just wouldn't get it. So, I cheated and ignored him until the guy showed up at my place and refused to leave until I kissed him goodbye and promised to get back together when we were both 25. he was a mental case. I have been in my current relationship for 8 years soon and I haven't cheated once.

[@randomusername3873]

And of course, they are blaming HIM for his wife getting pregnant. Like, she's the one acting like getting pregnant again was an umpleasant surprise, but of course, redditors MUST blame the guy

[@djskjyy]

huh? pls elaborate

[@mandalorianhunter1]

@@djskjyy reddit is being double standard as usual

[@djskjyy]

@@mandalorianhunter1 typical reddit

[@bonefetcherbrimley7740]

I agree, Reddit just has a bias against guys. I feel bad for bunker guy.

[@fiyahquacker2835]

@@bonefetcherbrimley7740 at first I did but with the update the dude sounded like a self-absorbed neglectful ahole.

[@keyonwillis2191]

What’s crazy about the first story to me is that you agree with them on the update?

[@melissar4612]

Story 1: JFC, people, Bunker Guy is not the second coming of Satan. Take your bitterness out on people who deserve it, not a guy who is making a good faith effort to be a good husband and dad. Holy Chr!st.

[@fiyahquacker2835]

Making an effort is good but what matters is keeping it up and improving upon it further rather than letting everything slip and simply going back to doing the bare minimum if anything at all.

[@ogfail1867]

Ahh yes, once again the man is wrong for having fun. Men having fun of any sort is bad.

[@TailsFan]

Story 1: Everyone is talking about "away time", but how is going to the bunker any different from going to the office? It's not. If he was at work, he wouldn't be able to drop everything and run home at her command, and he can't do that here, either. He goes there to work then, once work is done, plays a game for an hour before going home. How is that any different from having a long commute after work?

[@Batman-lg2zj]

Story 2: the ex did show remorse but don’t keep pushing it .

[@driversuz44]

Never marry a cheater. EVER.

[@Ravenishish]

Actually on the caveat that mum starts getting 8 hours alone time, which if he's regularly spending time with his son in there may not be strictly true, as well I don't think op is doing too badly, he already on average is working 10 hours less than most people with negligible commute. Does cutback need to happen during the pregnancy and early years? Probably, I'd swap out one of those 4 hours for family time or date night and make sure the wife got a 4 hour alone time on the regular, but really it's only a little over stepping because 30 of those hours could be spent in the office plus commute and is remarkably unfair to hold against him.

[@drako8343]

Well the first child is in school, so the wife does have free time.

[@Human-kb6xc]

Story 1: Okay so if OP didn't work from home, would his wife complain that he's not home enough?

[@ondank]

The one who said "75% of women I know think being a gamer is bad because its not productive" I mean yeah ... but thats true of ANY hobby. Wouldn't wanna date any of those women if they are going to morally judge the quality of a balanced life just because they don't like the particular choice of hobby (and I barely game anymore) The update comments were so unbelievably viscous to someone who is literally saying they are changing. You can't argue its common sense that you shouldn't act in a bad way and then also remark how so many people do a thing. Either its blindly obvious and the person is an idiot or its not blindingly obvious and it should be treated like any other subject that has to be learned. And to be clear, I don't get a great vibe from the guy. Like I find it weird that he is really trying to start another project after his last project caused him so many problems ... but is he really deserving of so much hate? Like he is actually bringing skill and capability into this equation (I couldn't build a frigin shed)

[@lrock48]

If OP lives in the US, his father may be subjected to gift tax because the sale of the house is not going to be considered at arms length.

[@drako8343]

That was in 2018