The busy busy avoidant

[@jessicajackson1200]

My ex DA was so busy i was lucky to see him every 2 or 3 weeks and was lucky to get a phone call every few days. Text messages would go unanswered for hours or days. Yet he would swear up and down that he loved me and wanted to build a life with me..... after a few months i got sick of not being a priority and i walked away. Most painful breakup of my life but im glad i did it. Now 3 years later i have a wonderful boyfriend who always makes me a priority. Despite working 2 jobs i see him multiple times per week and he always makes time to talk to me every day. Weve been together a year and a half. Pretty sure he is going to propose soon!!❤

[@wizardofaus2985]

Lol. This was my husband... Always off working till midnight... or out drinking with strangers.

[@Gwynbleidd-11]

Avoidants are terrified of abandonment, seeing it as something horrifying. Yet at the same time, they have no problem inflicting that very same terrifying abandonment on the person closest to them, just to maintain their own comfort, and often without a clear reason. Where is the love and devotion in that? It’s like pushing the person you love in front of a train just to avoid being hit yourself. In a normal relationship, a loving partner would shield you with their own body from a bullet, but in this case, they use you as a human shield. Then they’ll convince you that it was your fault.

[@EdelweisSusie]

My ex in a nutshell.

[@dannywholuv]

@@Gwynbleidd-11 yup

[@ClearandHealthyBoundaries]

Perfect way to put it!

[@wizardofaus2985]

100% perfectly encapsulated.

[@tarkov_6]

Nothing feels worse than them talking about how they are too busy to think about you, while they dismiss the time you spent on them...

[@kristidin1983]

I lived with a man like this. He did everything he could to be busy to not feel. It's heartbreaking honestly. I had to let him go. I know he loved me and i was scared to death to abandon him but i was abandoning me. I hope he'll do the work. He's a good man. I hate his hurt. I miss him.

[@LauraAmanda8888]

Exactly how I feel 😞 It's so sad.. I miss him too but I need to let him go I think. I don't want to and I hate for him to get what he is so afraid of but I'm at the end of my rope

[@SamsungMy-zo3cg]

They are so busy. But soon as your unavailable its drama.

[@eddiebm4701]

no sht

[@dannywholuv]

Busy doing nothing also. Prioritising alone time is paramount

[@MilesIncognito]

Yeah, maybe I'm an odd avoidant, but I'm not busy with a TON of stuff. Yes my job can be intense. Then there's the gym to relax. Beyond that I mostly want to relax in a peaceful home with a peaceful partner. Am I weird to be a homebody avoidant?

[@geemail369]

​@@MilesIncognito You're sure as h3ll straying from the pack ... in a *good* way imo!

[@limitlesssky3050]

​@@MilesIncognitoThat's not an avoidant. You are just an introvert.

[@MilesIncognito]

@@limitlesssky3050 I'm very sure I'm an introvert. But the quizzes tell me I'm avoidant as well. Honestly it seems like a very natural overlap. Is it meaningful to say I'm a hyper-independent introvert who can't handle conflict & have that mean something separate from being avoidant?

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@MilesIncognito Much introversion comes from having to wear a mask. Wearing that mask expends energy. I used to be FA, and am now mostly secure with an anxious lean. As I've healed, I've noticed that people in general aren't so draining to be around, and there are certain ones who actually energize me. Much of that has been accomplished by fostering friendships with people who value authenticity so that I don't have to perform a certain way to be accepted, I just have to show up as myself. Hyper-independence and inability to handle conflict is the avoidant piece, but maybe that's where your energy drain is. What kinds of people are you around most often?

[@cornwallismorgan874]

And more often than not, it's not even legitimate busyness; they will artificially clutter up their schedule so they don't have to deal with closeness and the discomfort of growing and healing. They will actively prioritize literally ANYTHING over you, the relationship, and that healing process. "Oh, I can't keep our plans for tonight; I saw an ant get eaten by a spider and it scared me."

[@MsNYCVA]

😂😂😂😂true

[@anakeof5300]

“I saw an ant eaten by spider and I got scared”😂😂😂

[@nickyperryman2683]

This is so true.

[@JustMeAndMyBoy]

Lol

[@spiritsama51]

Yep. On her days off, she suddenly has to clean a room she put off for a year. Suddenly has to go o a gym, she never once wanted to go to, suddenly is cleaning/repairing dolls, sudden girls trip, vet trip, movies, playing on her iPad. She’s busy doing nothing really.

[@kaleido76]

I said to him: “Your constant busyness is a trauma response, distracting you from what you’d be forced to face if you only sat still.” He actually agreed with me. Edit: I wrote that comment before watching this video. Glad to see my thoughts are echoed 🤍

[@ld921]

Trust and believe they are very unhappy this busyness leads to burn out and lack of enjoyment of life

[@lum309]

I had the same experience. Even though i was the one with a full-time job and full-time studies, he was always a lot busier than me. He, mind you, didnt work and had a few classes 3 days a week max. But i was always the one that was able to make time for him. And whenever i brought up the fact that i cant continue a relationship with someone who doesnt make an effort, he pulled a 180 and started saying things like i cant lose you youre the best thing that ever happened to me. Then pulled me in again, repeated the cycle. If you are with someone who cant even make time for you, show them the way and save yourself from years and years of trauma...

[@dayfin1843]

Currently in some kind of emotional affair with someone exactly like this. He's literally got three jobs and several other hobbies that require travelling etc. Every time we get closer, something gets in the way...

[@johnsonjj117]

“emotional affair” means either one or both of you are married? Just stop, don’t go there. It may be hard but often the right choices in life are the hard ones.

[@wizardofaus2985]

Run

[@Ye80s]

Omg.... these are red flags I knew all along. I'm so dumb. Knowledge is golden

[@DarkArchon212]

I wouldn't say you're dumb. I think we as people typically take people at their word, so when they say they're busy with work, life, etc. we assume it's because they are, not because it's a way to blow off their partner and stay within their avoidant shell.

[@neraknatera9977]

Yeah so afraid of dealing with their emotions that they push out the people that love them the most. Makes no sence at all.

[@debbylee6329]

Busy with friends, trips, family, hobbies. Sounds very familiar with a man I dated for 2 years. I finally decided to leave the relationship and allow him to gain companionship and intimacy from others. I would of never been a priority to him. I always felt like I was imposing on him, an awful way to feel

[@the777john]

I know the feeling of imposing. I have a friend exactly as you described and left me feeling the same way. It didn't start out that way though. It started out fun and like she wanted to get closer to me so as I opened up and became more vulnerable she backed away hard and went from good friends to treat me as if I were a complete stranger, almost with shame. I was so incredibly confused I didn't know what to think. I had a discussion with her about it and instead of being open and vulnerable herself she feigned and basically said don't take it personally so as a result I've considerably pulled back myself. Now when I see her or interact I'll call her on her bad behavior almost every time. I don't try to be rude about it but moreover let her know her behavior isn't acceptable if she's going to continue to be wishy washy or inconsistent with emotions, plans, and her story. That level of unreliability and drama is hard to deal with sometimes and I'm not your personal hero or shoulder to cry on when it's convenient for you.

[@debbylee6329]

@@the777john Sounds a lot like my story. Dated him for 2 plus years and every time we started to become close, hot and cold. Then when I tried to discuss him always being too busy, he would become defensive. I finally told him either we have a relationship or we don't, he ghosted me (that was 5 weeks ago). Just prior to me finally telling him, he had gone to a concert to see Pink (even though he is a 70's rock type of guy). She is a great performer but her fans consists of mostly women. Hmmm, he told on himself.

[@AmandaHugenkiss96]

You’re wasting your time, brother. She doesn’t respect you or your time. Let her go!

[@wizardofaus2985]

​@debbylee6329 my husband. Always too busy to see him or catch up... yet I've bumped into him in bars drinking with girls from work. Not too busy for them.

[@First1_Jenny]

She was always too busy for me. Good video

[@carahenken4452]

You just described my whole life so far. I am now healing, and learning to stop and sit with painful, and difficult feelings. It's hard, but worth it.

[@MySissySays]

Do they also often get “sick?” I saw someone I suspect is an avoidant for only a few months, and he was always having headaches, backaches, tummy aches, disrupted sleep, exhaustion. Or perhaps their anxiety is actually making them sick? Either way, being sick is a great reason to cancel plans last minute, or to not feel like talking or texting.

[@flowertot786]

I was recently talking to a very similar guy he always had migraines and pains made excuses to not meet.he has now more or less ghosted

[@DarkArchon212]

I found that especially with FAs, they commonly have physical comorbidities associated with anxiety such as IBS, chronic regional pain syndrome, fibromyalgia, etc.

[@jazminelarelle5538]

That’s interesting

[@flowertot786]

@@DarkArchon212 why is this ?

[@katarzynakrause501]

It is possible. One i knew always felt ‘snoozy’ or had sleeping difficulties 😒

[@tarkov_6]

And then you get blamed for messaging them while they are busy or asking if they couldn't call off....

[@hsamzsd]

yeah nobody is THAT busy, especially if they like you

[@wizardofaus2985]

My husband is busier than the CEO at work.. not even joking.

[@pbj4338]

My on again, off again DA partner is so busy. It's comical at times, no one is that busy😂

[@geemail369]

Cherry on top: when they come venting about their packed schedule, not realizing it is _them_ racking up responsibilities just to numb out overexerting themselves. 👻

[@madhumitar1164]

Just run if you can. It’s an endless cycle of pain and frustration

[@pbj4338]

Logically I know that, putting it into action is harder. We've been off and on for years, I also struggle with attachment issues, and there is a level of comfort for me, it's difficult

[@madhumitar1164]

@ totally understand! As much as I know what I need to do I am unable to move away from him. It’s soul crushing. The waiting, the hope , the joy, the heartbreak and feeling of worthlessness. I wish I could be stronger than this💔

[@pbj4338]

I am female, it is a heterosexual relationship......I feel the same way, the waiting, the hoping he will come back. It has been a pattern for years now, but I don't truly ever know if he is coming back. We are currently no contact.

[@vaganzani]

Thank you coach Ryan..it makes perfect sense in my own personal journey being with a fearful avoidant ex partner. I also noticed when we got together in between our busy schedules, my ex partner would say ' I need my downtime to recharge ' which also led me feeling conscious when asking more quality time together on the weekends. Ultimately, this led to a breakdown of our relationship.

[@birthinfluenceembrace]

Just entertained a dating prospect overseas who was like this. He was so "busy" that he couldnt even be bothered to do a video call and I even had to ask for one multiple times. When I finally gave an ultimatum he just kept making excuses and saying he's not responsible fully for it. 😂 WEIRD !!!!! I just said got it and goodbye 👋 😅

[@MannysVisionStudio]

Dated a girl from the Philippines like this. It was long distance as well. We got closer and she got busier. Even when she had no job she magically had more going on than I did as a maintenance worker working 10 hour days. 😂 it was so weird. I got so sick of it. Eventually I had to exert boundaries because she was going out at weird times at night too, 2-3 in the morning and clubbing and going to places that just didn’t seem normal for a young woman to be out at, i needed the communication and instead she was pissed off at me for it. And then the snowball effect of problems came. I was always to blame. First we broke up, then 2 days later we were reconciling, 2 days later then we were just friends, then not a week later we just don’t talk and now I’m blocked on everything BUT facebook. And what’s on her Facebook? Tons of relationship advice memes about the type of guy she needs, all of the qualities that I had exerted to her and she’s posting up nonsense like that all over her wall. 😂 The worst about this? I was willing to bring her to the US for a new life. I wanted to do something special for her and BE something special to her and in the end she shoved me aside, ignored me to death. Wouldn’t ever FaceTime or talk on the phone hardly at all. Too busy for me, and constantly pissed off at me for every little thing. It’s heartbreaking, these people are literally their own worst enemy for no real good reason at all..

[@neonix01]

@@MannysVisionStudio Dude, "i wanted to bring her to the US for a new life and be special to her"... Do you understand that nobody wants their lives fixed by someone else? Do you understand how much pressure that can add to someone? Did she ASK you to fix her life and bring her to another country - away from everyone and everything she knows and feels safe with and around?? Sounds to me like she freaked out completely. Never try to fix or rescue someone unless they ask you specifically for it!!! If you do, you will only drive them away. And when you say you wanted to be someone special for her... Do you hear yourself? Sounds like an complete niceguy to me. And niceguys are generally not that nice actually, but they are very manipulative. But their "niceness" comes with serious expectations - also called a "covert contract". You should read the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. Please, for your own sake.

[@citizenoz]

100% spot on. Yet again. The endless work, running away interstate 'with work' or overseas for weeks or months at a time (monkey branched to the new guy on one of these trips), endlessly cancelling plans due to feeling sick, having a migrane, lack of sleep or family issues or or or... the number of excuses matched only by the endless breadcrumbing text messages. Apparently... I'm her "closest friend in her life" (via text of course from a taxi racing to the airport). Seriously...

[@quenuk]

I have too am someone´s ¨best friend¨ and I experience the same behavior. A text from them to start the day with a list of all the things they´re just heading off to start doing for the day. Seemingly expressing they are unavailable to contact or no reply necessary..so I don´t. It´s only until they collapse from exhaustion that a phone call becomes necessary on their behalf to receive emotional support to boost them up again and send them off to busy busy land again. It´s become a game to me now to make them feel like they´re not doing as much as ¨so & so¨ ... or the President of USA...asking them why not and if they are feeling ok. Call it mean ... but it humors me.

[@wizardofaus2985]

Oh this is me!! Fellow Aussie i feel your pain. My husband leaves any social engagements to go off at 10.30pm/ midnight to work... the last 3 NYE'S he's either been busy working or had a migrane. Sure has lots of them... I've finally had enough after 7 years of breadcrumbs. I've walked away.

[@badwolffxxx1762]

Yep. I once called my ex out about it as she would claim up and down how introverted she was.

[@EdelweisSusie]

My ex avoided dealing with £30k debt from his marriage: instead of selling his valuable antiques to pay off his debts (as I would have done) he hung onto them and no amount of reasoning from me would persuade him to sell them. The result? The bank foreclosed on his mortgage, he lost his home and was declared bankrupt (after abandoning me). Bet he’s not a DA now!!!!!

[@preciousbweupelappi5253]

Exactly my ex boyfriend it was like a roller-coaster. 1000 hobbies work trips etc.

[@Caliknows]

My ex, a FA who leans heavy DA, told me not to contact them a month ago just to text me from a new number today after their birthday, seeking validation... belittling me, condescending, patronizing me, and talking at me only to ghost / block me Irish goodbye w no heads up an hour later. This was after I told them, "just remember I loved you" & their response was "I know, I'm sorry"... like they're sorry that I loved them?? Geez. So triggering. Just poking at my open wound when I just want it to scar over.

[@Caliknows]

@The_Whimsical_Avoidant 🍻 ya 😆

[@Caliknows]

@The_Whimsical_Avoidant also wanted to say that's one epic smile you are carrying! You have such a glow and beautiful volume in your hair ✨️

[@Caliknows]

@The_Whimsical_Avoidant so true and grounded of you

[@ClearandHealthyBoundaries]

Block them and island they use a new number yet again don't answer it or open the message. You should have all the numbers you frequently communicate with saved.

[@saradf]

Omg you’re describing my ex literally he’s in different city/country / continent everyday 😢 but still managed to be available and vulnerable then ghost and shut down when things got tough… so i realised if he wanted to he would and walked away.

[@AmandaHugenkiss96]

Sorry you’re going through it.

[@PropheticSoakingwithSarahJER]

Ooh my ex husband was like that. Didn’t go down too well when I was busy with our new baby.

[@brego12317]

Yep yep yep and yep to all of it.

[@user-nd3tg5zn1b]

Oh my goodness that was his favorite word 😂😂😂😂YEP!!

[@muhammadarif-iv8bl]

As an FA that leans anxious I Totally agree with everything

[@Align45]

Ha- Yes…they are the “busiest” person in the world with work of some sort. I like to say I’m looking for someone who has figured out how to balance their life. Bye!

[@Larrus2007]

Great content. Thank you 🙏

[@matthewmason8982]

Yup. Since she left she’s out all the time. When she has the kids, it’s activities all day, everywhere.

[@annaalm18]

Nailed.

[@1300SL]

My ex was so busy bending over backwards making sure herself, her daughter & her dog came 1st, 2nd & 3rd. Not even sure if I was 4th, didn't get much of a response when I brought it up. On our 1st anniversary she didn't even want to organise anything with me but as soon as her daughter wanted to do something it was not a problem. Was such a odd relationship, her 13yo had more say than I did even on important topics.

[@julianavonknobelsdorff7025]

Excellent👌🏻

[@ashleyh1897]

This is me. But not from my growing up experience. From my husband. He has cheated on me for prob 18 out of 19 years together. I always knew where he was but I have always kept myself and our kids busy so busy all the time so I wasn’t home thinking about where he really was.

[@nickyperryman2683]

My experience exactly.

[@claukp]

But is this really avoidance or just a lack of interest? 🤔🧐

[@childadvocate8374]

I think the point is communication. If you're not interested just say so.

[@Kleef718]

Either way you should just leave. Everyone makes time for what they truly want to

[@the777john]

I personally think when people only make time for you when it's convenient for them they just aren't worth the investment. By "convenient for them" I mean you're their last resort among other plans, you're their plan B, second rate, second option, last option, never considered unless the rest of their world is burning. It doesn't matter what name you give them, they're always the ones holding the matches when they do finally come around to you.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

In the process of finding a reason to push me away, my most recent ex said, "I struggle with intimacy." But the reality is that if someone is genuinely serious about you and having a relationship with you, they will do the work.

[@Ellen84307]

I felt special spending a whole week with him on a trip together. At the same time thinking I was taking his time… Then he started slowly fade out out my life. And he broke up…

[@claukp]

Hahahaha it fits so perfectly!

[@michellem7290]

This explains a lot

[@smileyglitter852]

I like the b.s excuses like there's been the umteenth employee that has died, or the same accident thats happened over and over again...my relationship with my ex avoidant was painful.

[@socalfriend6985]

I'm trying so hard.

[@user-nd3tg5zn1b]

We all tried but it not us at all!! They need to deal with their trauma

[@shadowsbruther]

Stop for yourself

[@SarahGraceL]

I wonder if anyone has spoken on how to coparent with an avoidant ex who has discarded them.

[@1ReikiFloW]

I would keep them away from the child, they will just pass down their abuse to the innocent children.

[@jennifercheney4353]

​​@@1ReikiFloWnot legal. Good luck with the ramifications from that .

[@HashtagAPI8]

Bf of 6 years only had time to see me one day on weekends and for a coffee or dinner during the week

[@1ReikiFloW]

true......but there is such thing as post traumatic growth and eft techniques make it much easier to achieve it. People need to stop using useless ways to heal............Dr. Dawson Church, great work~ GOOD video~

[@Madeeha_ch]

sir. where were you all this time🥺

[@travelchannel304]

Sounds like bread. Crumming.

[@NM-pl1iv]

I once was labeled as avoidant while going to counseling with my ex. My ex at the time wanted to be married by a certain age, wanted a big fancy house at a certain age but had taken zero responsibility to put herself in a position for either. So because I wasn’t just going along for the ride and had certain expectations to get married I was labeled by the counselor as avoidant. The female counselor couldn’t see my point of view, instead siding with my ex saying that if I didn’t think marriage was the next logical step for us despite my concerns that again I was an avoidant. I simply had expectations that we would be able to communicate well, genuinely love, respect and be transparent with each other and that marriage is special and not just a deadline by a certain age

[@patriciajorgensen4728]

You ARE clearly an avoidant!

[@Heavenlysky89]

Makes sense now

[@rubiales_123]

Are single parents avoidants too? 🤔 It is hard to make an appointment/a date/to meet with them because of lack of their time. They are always busy because of their children... 🤔

[@HillaryWalsh]

💯

[@Wendyxx92]

Guess what. If you are too busy to make time for people you love. If they can’t make time, than the relationship won’t work. You don’t prioritize me.

[@___3988]

Can you do a video on the way that anxious attachment style becomes overbearing and pushes partners away? I feel there is not enough attention giving to the toxicity of other atrachment styles and instead all problems are blamed on the avoidant.

[@judomoto]

This is interesting because as someone who is working through my anxious attachment style it seems like I blame most things on myself. Most of the videos I see pertain to this: I abandon myself to try and make things work. Upholding my boundaries requires all of my effort plus God. Learning to have self-compassion and to soothe my own emotions is not an easy journey. Therefore I have to figure out where it stems from, release that part of me and feel everything… alone. I think both the lots, anxious and avoidant, lack proper communication skills from the get go and it just presents itself differently. I’ve binged watched both sides after some of my breakups to soothe and hopefully pick up some kernels of wisdom. I also think videos do kind of portray avoidants as antagonistic because they seems to be the ones that outwardly “win,” are stoic or seem fine… but we know that’s not true and everyone deserves to heal and receive compassion. They just have to figure that out for themselves like we all do. Anyhow yeah. I’m rambling.

[@___3988]

​@@judomoto I am avoidant and working on it. One of the hardest things is that you can't meet someone halfway in the relationship if they are always chasing you down. Sometimes, I feel like my anxious partner doesn't give me sufficient space to approach them because they're always running after me. But if they could take some steps back, be a bit more accountable for soothing their own anxiety rather than transferring all their anxiety onto the relationship/me, then I would have an opportunity to reach out and connect first. I don't have a lot of opportunities to reach out. It's very painful to never be trusted. I never even get the opportunity to text first because they can only go so many hours without texting me. I want so badly for some space to cross, so I can come to them for once 😢

[@Amoki86]

As toxic as anxious are, they are also one of the first to ask "am I the baddie? What do I need to change to get others to like me?", and it does not take much for them to realise that they are a problem given enough heartbreaks. It's just a matter of time before they come across a therapist or a book or a youtube video or a community to realise that on their own accord. (disclosure: I am a FA and my AP side was what drove me into therapy.) Dismissive Avoidants? HAHAHAHAHA

[@Intentivelyoptimistic1750]

Pushes away? Avoidants can live on the other end of the world. But they approach first, do so much in the start, and when other person starts getting serious. They run away. And lets say it's anxious persons fault. What about securely attached people? They have same thing to say about avoidants. Avoidants are pushed away by basic needs of their partner but themselves want to be the center of their world. So selfish

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I agree, and what stinks is there are people like me who are secure but lean anxious, who want to heal the wound the anxiety springs from. And while I understand the takeaway that the channel is heavily weighted to one side, it's also refreshing to hear that it's not all my fault, because I so often hear that it is all my fault, from avoidants who push me away for reasons for which they refuse to take any accountability. So for those of us who are on the anxious side, it's healing to not have to shoulder all of that responsibility and internalize all that blame. I'm farther along my healing journey and know what is mine to own or not, but for those who are less healed, they really can't parse that out.

[@rainbowcheung3773]

It’s make sense..

[@wizardofaus2985]

😂😂😂

[@quellequeen]

🎯🎯🎯

[@DominionMovementDotOrg]

🕯️✨♥️🕊️🎄

[@christinemerritt974]

❤

[@the777john]

So odd question here. I have a friend who says she has ADHD and blames absolutely everything on her ADHD, all her bad behavior. I just started learning about the avoidants and you know what she displays all the things avoidants are described as in her bad behavior. So to my question, do avoidants and ADHD have some sort of correlation?

[@vorbis4860]

ADHD has become the absolute scapegoat for everyone under 45 (also "neurodivergent"). But it's not even a real diagnosis; it's a collection of behaviors. It doesn't speak to any CAUSE. I'd say follow your instincts. And look up what Gabor Mate has to say about ADHD. It's mostly about unhealed trauma and the conditioned response to tune things out.

[@LifeisaBeautifulting]

I have ADHD and I'm anxiously attached. How on earth can someone with ADHD constantly be busy when they can't focus? I will say that I forget to text people back though

[@AmandaHugenkiss96]

No one said they were busy focusing on one task. They usually have a list of incomplete projects and things they are trying to accomplish. People with ADHD are awful at time management, planning, organizing, etc.

[@saycap]

@vorbis4860 dumbqss opinion. Here’s a life skill for you: before you say stupjd shjt to anyone, try reading the top of the given wikipedia page for whatever you’re factually misappropriating for all of 5 seconds. Go ahead, try it. It’s free. btw the first video result for your grifter guy is ‘gabor mate is worse than wrong about adhd’. Brilliant.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

One of my best friends has ADHD and we tend to go months without talking because "out of sight, out of mind." And I get busy with school and other things. But she doesn't use it as a crutch; she recognizes it as a struggle and is a really amazing friend. It sounds like your friend just wants to blame something instead of being a better person.

[@JohnMoates-g9g]

The real reason is they just dont want you. Period. Why try to explain other reasons. They either want you or they dont