When anxious dumps avoidant

#avoidant #breakup #dismissiveavoidant #heartbroken #attachment #avoidantattachment #emotionallyunavailable #relationship #dating #relationshipcoach #anxiousattachment #divorce #fearfulavoidant #fearfulavoidantattachment #insecureattachment #attachmentstyle

[@asiah797]

This is so true! I ended our relationship less than a year of being married. Previously the avoidant would always end the relationship and then come back to rekindle later. Constantly hearing “divorce” in our marriage made me realize that I didn’t want to be with someone who can threaten and retreat their love when things hard. I now realize I was only anxious with this partner. Now, I’m very secure with my new dating partners.

[@mgn1621]

The avoidant doesn’t end the relationship……they just ghost or stonewall you…..permanently.

[@terasamcgilvray2960]

I have been with my husband for almost 30 years, accepting breadcrumbs always trying to anticipate and meet his every need so he would be happy. I raised our three boys alone and created a million excuses of why he couldn’t be there for us. I never even heard of attachment theory and now know we have been doing the anxious/avoidant dance for decades. I thought I was too much, even though all I ever wanted was consistent affection and acknowledgement. I’m leaving now and feel so guilty as he is struggling and can’t help but want to continue to fill all the gaps for him. Thank you for the video. Nail on the head!

[@soulhappyshapewear]

31 years here, and so hard when decisions affect an entire family....

[@kateaghaghiri2968]

37 years for me with a “workaholic”. Thought he was working for us but actually a good excuse to look like the good guy while avoiding me. Long, lonely marriage. Gaslighting making me think I’m selfish while he was working so hard. During divorce found he was hoarding money in his own account and using my earnings to pay the bills he supposedly was working so hard for!

[@Hebrews111]

35 years for me. I get it. Don't feel guilty.... You can only control you. If they aren't willing to communicate in a healthy way or self-reflect, you can't fix it on your own. I've tried. ♥️

[@JustTasha48]

I finally called it OVER! I studied narcissism but not AVOIDANT. You have educated me. It’s been awful. Dealing w/ him and his never ending ex or whatever you want to call her

[@777-h6n]

Close to a narc😂

[@777-h6n]

Limerance for their ex's is focking weird😂

[@777-h6n]

Phantom ex😂

[@deb_diaries]

Oh, luv, you got smacked down with the phantom ex. Mine did the same. Thing is, he didn't even like her. However, that didn't stop him from comparing the two of us. It was ridiculous and very juvenile.

[@fragipani8179]

Unbelievable. The same here. Always feeling irrelevant no matter what... Over!

[@Snuffymcgee]

Formerly anxious guy here. I was married to an avoidant/narcissist for 25 years, then post-divorce had a multi year relationship with a borderline woman, followed by a couple shorter relationships to avoidant women. I am now with a former anxious turned emotionally secure woman. These all amounted to interesting learning and growing experiences for me as I was evolving from anxious to emotionally secure. She can tell a similar tale. 2 emotionally secure people in a relationship. That is the best place to be I’ve concluded. We just hit 1 year together. Let’s hope this is forever!

[@kecia8056]

Good luck🎉

[@carrieh922]

Hey, friends, I am a healed anxious person. The thing you need to do my sisters and brothers is love yourself more. Love yourself hard. It truly is their loss. Heal yourself. You cannot control what anyone else does. You can only control yourself. What kind of life do you want? It’s time to find out. Be proud of yourself for loving yourself first. That is the secret sauce to life. Loving yourself first. Those who align with your own self worth and value will find you. What is most important is just because your value scares someone away, doesn’t mean you dim your shine. Use it to GLOW BRIGHTER ❤❤❤

[@Beastius24]

Kudos to you. I have just started healing after I realised that the self demeaning voice in my head was planted there by my narcissistic abuser late mum... it's interesting that you used the word Glow. I visualised a glowing light inside me on a walk as I was trying to self parent. God bless you

[@OneManCollaboration]

Both of you spot on. Fully realizing and learning this now. Know your worth and value. Hold your head high. Recognize how amazing you are. If they don’t recognize, walk away. If they make you feel lesser, by whatever means, doesn’t matter, walk away. No need to explain or understand, just know how they make you feel. Negative, lesser, anxious, scatterbrained? WALK AWAY

[@First1_Jenny]

Having a ghost girlfriend is not for me. Hot and cold behavior, not for me. Canceling plans last minute, not for me. Not responding to my messages, not for me. No amount of patience and understanding was ever enough. I hope she finds healing and learns how to take down the barriers around her heart and let love in

[@MojaRacjaTwojPech]

I cut him off guys. After almost all year of situationship i told him straight. I want relationship or I'm cutting contact right away. He didnt want a relationship, he wanted to stay at least friends. i told him big NO, because i dont wanna be someones option.. I'm crying everyday not because I feel guilty, but because i miss him. I know that one day i will see everything in different perspective (im NC for 3 weeks now)

[@GruntZug]

I'm 3 months into NC. The first few weeks were rough. I cried too. Take it a day at a time. Let yourself feel the emotions. And if there's anything you want to say to him, write a letter, then burn it. It gets better after a while. I'm rooting for you.

[@michellepackman1484]

Hold strong. I’ll be pulling the plug too thanks for sharing I know it’s possible

[@MojaRacjaTwojPech]

@@GruntZug thank you guys for response. I must confess that it's not easy, still crying every day eh... But I won't break NC. I know that I will move on one day

[@WafflesSong]

I have nearly hit a year of no contact, keep strong. You will feel so much better as time moves on as hard as that is to believe

[@67208]

Right there with u. I'm in NC 3 weeks too...at first i ws so angry, because i out up with too much, but it,'s also sad. We have been together 6 years, and had fight about family planning, in which i clled him out...

[@katieraehiphiphooray]

I love this. I’m anxious. But I’m healing. Anxious ppl build your boundaries!! Don’t let these time wasters get you. You will end up feeling lonely even if you keep them.

[@pokawolf24]

Exactly this happened to me. I had it leave. I could either be lonely in a relationship or actually lonely on my own. I gave my whole heart to this woman. Moved countries. And ended up being neglected, ignored and discarded. The lack of accountability really wounded me as it invalidated my emotions, feelings and the emotional abuse I had undergone. I still feel responsible, as if I should have known better

[@surgeonvicryl4872]

I felt that lonely part, i also thought about that while ending the relationship..whats the difference being lonely alone and being lonely in a rel with an avoidant? its just the same..except with an avoidant is constant anxiety and draining energy.. therefore, id rather be alone by myself and be lonely but thriving. the avoidant made me feel unworthy,unloved,uncared and neglected. so being alone will not be new to me anyway.

[@Cre8Fire34]

You shouldn't have known better - but you should have had boundaries and not entered her frame. Women have no respect for men who do that. It's hindsight, but in the future : build a great life - and vet any woman HARD - to see if she fits into what you created.

[@Natengall]

I am an avoidant, and I lost the woman who was the one for me. We had so many wonderful memories together in our 10 months together, but she broke up with me and now she's ghosting me and unavailable to rekindle our relationship. I realize now that my distancing strategies and fear of commitment made me lose someone I absolutely loved, and I need to self-reflect and overcome my trust issues and fear of commitment.

[@sumellikaxedits_]

I left my avoidant boyfriend who continously used to gaslight me and never took accountability of his own actions. Communication wasn't even priority for him. It's freakin' heartbreaking to see someone you genuinely loved, wanted to build future with doesn't meets the criteria to fulfill or nurture a healthy relationships. Please do heal yourself and do not play with other person feelings. You'll never know what the other person was going through that lead her made this decision even though she loved you from her heart. These actions can genuinely make a secure person anxious or traumatize/ reopen wounds of a person who didn’t got loved before they were child!! 💔

[@classica1fungus]

Your "distancing strategies" Damn, makes me feel like that's what my ex was doing. I dumped her about 3 months in, i don't put up with any kind of BS

[@Tmlatyoutube]

Everything was fine for 8 years because I made no emotional demands on him but then I got sick. His response, cheating, finding another relationship. So I said we are getting a divorce. I've stuck to this. It's been hard. Like coming off a drug. But this is my boundary, and I'm holding it. He wanted this.

[@TheMallyjoe]

@@Tmlatyoutube yes like a addiction.

[@ianbooth4010]

I have anxious attachment and ADHD and ended it with my girlfriend a month ago. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m going through cancer for the 2nd time in two years and I have never been so frightened. She didn’t want to know. I could never have an open conversation with her about how I was feeling. She pulled further and further away. I got massively depressed and she pulled away even more. When I started on antidepressants they gave me such clarity. I could see her actions (or lack of) clearly. I tried reaching out again and was dismissed. I knew it was time to go 😭 I loved her sooooo much.

[@michellepackman1484]

So sorry this happened, I’m totally the same, anxious leaning, adhd, I have trauma that I couldn’t dream of my avoidant partner being able to handle. SNRIs saved my wellbeing and gave me clarity too. I see you

[@ianbooth4010]

@@michellepackman1484 thank you, always nice to be seen and heard. I didn’t realise it would be this hard. Good luck to you in your journey. You’ll smash it ☺️

[@natlions]

So sorry to hear about cancer and emotional struggles you're facing. Most of the times, our physical health is the result of suppressed emotions. Dr. Mate Gabor talks a lot about it, if you would like to check out his work. Best of luck to you and lots of love! ❤ Be well.

[@henpus21]

I am an anxious. I have told him many times and clearly about what I need in our relationship. I need communication, consistency and trust. ALL his words never aligne with actions. I feel tired in mentally and impact to others area in my life. Now I am doing No Contact phase. Suddenly I found this channel and learn a lot about attachment theory. And what I feel already described by You, couch. I want to say thank you. I will stand with full awareness to guard and love myself more and more. Let the my ex avoidant happy with himself. I am happy enough now and I know the answer now, what is the high wall that separate between me and him. Actually he made me easy to leave him without any hesitation. I choose myself and love myself. ❤

[@KMH100]

Your share deeply resonated with me. Thank you for sharing.

[@ikeerc7]

in tears, went through this as the anxious and it was hell on earth

[@niyabeach3723]

I did it this evening and found this video after! So proud of myself. It was the most difficult thing to end it with the avoidant. Even though they were pulling away I was afraid to tell him how I felt, but I did. I could definitely hear the relief somewhere in his voice. I'm still wondering if he realizes what he is losing but it's not for me to know.

[@spiritwanderer777]

Yeap, my ex avoidant withdrew so much there was nothing left to enjoy, so I ended it. I loved her very much, but none of my needs were met and she was pretty much avoiding even talking to me and refused to acknowledge that she has anything to improve. I was left with no choice.

[@sunnyg1384]

Described what I went through. I didn't want to end it but I was at my breaking point with the pain of him pulling away. In the end, seeing how relieved he was with the breakup hurt most. But I'm glad I did it.

[@Julsies7]

I was the anxiously attached dating a fearful avoidant and I was the one who left because my needs for emotional intimacy were not being met. It was extremely hard to do and I kept going back over and over because I cared deeply about him, but in the end my needs were causing him to get angry at me and lash out at me and I couldn’t deal with the trauma of that anymore.

[@imyouranna_]

we literally are on the same situation right now. i am the ap. i told my fa exbf a few weeks go that i am not in love with him anymore and i couldnt imagine us dating again. 6 months of continous unmet needs. plus, he gets very angry whenever i asked for my needs and whenever i wanted to talk about his/my feelings related to our relationship. i was always calm and polite but he was always angry and lashing out. then, he blames me for starting all the fights. now, he disconnected himself from me like he doesnt care at all which i understand. he says he isnt angry at me but the way he talk to me is very angry. he gave me snarky rude remarks that were hurtful before blocking me. i dont take it personally though.

[@Julsies7]

@@imyouranna_ it's the worst and I'm so sorry you also are going through this. when the months pass by and they still don't change, it's time to face reality that they likely never will, which you and I both have done. its hard when you care about them, but I honestly do not think that they know how to give the same level of emotional connection that we are looking for and they subconsciously know it, which is why they get angry. that is insecurity speaking, and they project it onto us because we bring it up and it makes them feel bad about themselves. in reality, we are just expressing our needs which is totally fine! honestly he will probably come back to you at some point to ask for another chance. if he hasn't gone through therapy and actually addressed this in himself, then it's going to repeat itself. I went through that and I'll just tell you this, they don't change if they aren't actively working on it. we deserve so much more and there are people that can provide it.

[@whitneytravels]

Same thing happened to me too, proud of us for moving on

[@Julsies7]

@@whitneytravels it takes so much willpower but I know we did the right thing because we felt it for so long. They cannot meet our needs but someone else can

[@Julsies7]

@@imyouranna_ they get so angry when we express our needs aren’t met because they know deep down they can’t meet them. That’s on them, and in your situation, you talking about your feelings about the relationship is a very healthy express of communication. He was too stunted emotionally to even acknowledge the growth that could have come out of that between you two.

[@user-mt2co8ip4u]

I cut off my avoidant because I felt so unfulfilled and he never tried to change. He actually told me he would never change. He kept calling me crazy and I ended up going to therapy to really try to change myself but he didn't reciprocate. I'm done with him forever.

[@surgeonvicryl4872]

being with an avoidant is like dating a ghost 🤡

[@Oldrockrules]

I’m the anxious, empathetic, people pleaser type with a troubled childhood and started to end my marriage after 29 years due to the constant brow beatings my avoidant, no empathy, never apologizing wife was dishing out. Fast forward 1.5 years and she walked out the door this past May while I’m dealing with a debilitating neurological condition, probably brought on by her incessant bitching. I’m now waiting on the judge’s signature for the divorce to be final and wish I’d left when I originally started to. Don’t wait ! If it’s bad leave! Your health may well depend on it!

[@BiscuitsNGravy-p3l]

How are things coming along?

[@Oldrockrules]

@ Great! Still dealing with illness but her being gone is truly a blessing and I’m making progress. Had a great Thanksgiving and I’m looking forward to Christmas even though Christmas Eve will be the 32 anniversary of my proposal. But Christmas Day will be the 7 month anniversary of her leaving me and that’s worth celebrating!

[@BiscuitsNGravy-p3l]

@@Oldrockrules 👍🏾

[@TheMallyjoe]

@@Oldrockrules what was she bitching about? I’ve heard it’s the anxious attachments bitch more cause they can never get the avoidant to respond .

[@kristi4848]

This was pretty much what happened with my relationship. He ghosted me for 3 months, I reached out and I'm surprised he even replied and we had a phone conversation. He wasn't sure if he still wanted me to visit him in 2 weeks and wasn't sure he still wanted to be with me. He asked for one more week to figure things out. I haven't heard from him since. I sent my final message to him a few weeks ago indicating that I wasn't leaving him but that he had already left me. I called him out on everything and said I was taking a step back from the relationship. I am still in disbelief that there are people like this that exist in the world. I didn't realize until I met him and this happened. It's heart breaking. I'm wishing peace to everyone else that has been with an avoidant. We are all saints with what we had to deal with ❤❤❤

[@mgn1621]

Uggggg…..it’s so frustrating. Avoidants I have been involved with lacked emotional maturity. They can’t seem to be adult enough to communicate in a healthy way….and they fear self reflection as they have a deep sense of shame imo. I feel very sorry for them. There is so much help available these days, but they won’t face their wounding.

[@surgeonvicryl4872]

sorry bout your experience. its frustrating to date or love an avoidant because they are adults in teens vibe. the way they love, communicate and make decisions is that of a highschool. always like a pendulum in making decisions, and their mind and heart is like a washing machine. they are very unpredictable..showing no remorse or care in what they do. very cold and detached. to them, space is important to them. they are always on autopilot mode, survival mode and self centred motives. its how they were wired..and programmed, sadly. I also feel sorry for them because they can mentally and emotionally harm other people..more sad these kind of people also need love but respond in an unhealthy pattern whether they like it or not, they just cant help it because of the extreme heaviness of traumas they carry which are all unresolved. always the IDK WHAT TO DO, RUN IS BETTER.

[@JTBags420]

As someone who leans anxious, dealing with an avoidant woman is very difficult. The closer you get, the further away they get. Eventually, the juice isn't worth the squeeze. My time is valuable to me and I'm worth too much to be treated that way

[@Znnsdkcjwkxbwk9g9gj]

Yep he came back after no contact and told me all the things i wanted to hear, then didn't do them, so i told him we were done.

[@SNicole82]

So true. I went from secure to anxious in that relationship and ended it first, but kinda kept holding on until he discarded.

[@Orhneeyou]

This is exactly what happened to me and my avoidant ex. I dragged for over 6 months before I finally decided to end my struggle. He was stepping all over my boundaries and I just tolerated it. Even so, he said he never wanted a break up...in the end, I said it.

[@Samuraistar92]

This felt like validating hug after so much pain.

[@marinajones2309]

I did exactly that and I've gone on to become secure ! Great power ! He's become the chaser lol 😆. Now he gets a taste of his own medicine 💊- feels great. Justice at last !

[@msher33]

Good job! So happy for you. 😃

[@yaseenmohammed6894]

This is what exactly happened with me and my avoidant ex. She did everything you said and in the end revealed to our mutual friend that she pulled away soo much hoping that I would be the one to breakup, so she doesn’t get the blame and feel the guilt. As much as it hurt, I stood up for myself

[@Cat-Meowwzz]

I did it as well. And i felt soo guilty. He called me a day later calling me unstable and irrational. Because I also said, that I'll be moving back to my chosen home country - UK. I'd have done it way earlier, but I hoped this relationship would work out, whilst he pulled away, more and more. Now that there's really nothing holding me here, I'll be free to go.

[@yekaterinasukach8951]

Yup the guilt is what i struggle with. But i choose myself more and more

[@deb_diaries]

I hear you, but please try to let go of the guilt. You didn't cause the insecure attachment style and you can't fix it. It's not your fault, so you have nothing to feel guilty about.

[@surgeonvicryl4872]

yup thats me, finally reached my limit and set my boundaries, reached out to verbalize bout my needs not being met and how our relationship needs to change..offering ending the rel but healing on ourselves which she lashed out and was upset, her trauma of being left alone resurfaced..but I stood my ground. i wasnt happy anymore and always felt drained, unloved,uncared, taken for granted.. it was very difficult and painful choice but for the best.

[@uniquedavenport]

We only dated 3 months but i broke up with him first because he abruptly started distancing himself and then gaslighting me about it when i questioned his behaviors i believe he was avoidant of some sort and afraid of any real commentment with anybody he also is prideful and egotistical i know i made the right choice even though he blamed me completely for the relationship ending...he's in denial moad big time but it's cool I'm proud of myself for walking away from the first red flags the first time and not settling for a emotional unavailable avoidant person

[@Nunya8523]

Good for you. I’m sorry you went through this. The gaslighting when you try to communicate in a healthy manner is painful and confusing.

[@uniquedavenport]

@@Nunya8523 yea there excuses never make any logical sense, he told me one of the reasons he distanced his self from me was because I "depended"on him too much financially (at that time I had just lost my job and was in the process of getting a new one)but that didn't make sense because he only gave me 50 dollars one time the entire time I knew him and he made 1200 a week at his job..mind you I NEVER asked this man for money..in reality he would blow his money on weed and going out with his friends and he had 8 kids to feed and bad spending habits and ways none of which I knew until AFTER we started dating I have no children and live by myself and pay my own bills..there was a time I even let him stay with me for a bit rent free and never asked him to contribute to anything but food which he got for free at his job which he offered to do I think he honestly got overwhelmed and didn't like me asking questions and so he start deflecting when we could have just had a conversation but i forgive him for acting so cold and cowardly and blaming the entire breakup on me I kinda feel bad for him but it's not my portion to fix or force anything on any one and I wish him the best i have zero regrets about me detaching my self from him he seems like a lost cause at the moment but anybody can change if they do the work..

[@archivemyracoon583]

Its me. I'm the avoidant who just had their anxious partner break up with them, for real, after 8 years. I thought i would see the end of the world with this person. Now, because i didnt address my denial when i could and it got to a point when i couldnt, my life as i knew it is over. Im grieving loss of love, loss of my current life, loss of my future life, my past wounds that got me here in the first place, and the fact that i hurt so incredibly deeply this person i truly love. I dont know how else to explain it besides being woken up from a dream. My denial and dissociation is so strong i literally FORGOT to prioritize emotional growth and connection with my partner. It sounds ridiculous but my brain literally forgot and made it so i did anything but investigate those old hurts and try move into a new life without them. It hurts so badly to have wrecked my life and my future and hurt my ex because my asshole parents hurt me and i wasnt able to deal with it. I did try, honestly, but my brain and denial was so strong it got past the therapists I've been seeing for the last 12 years. I have been circling the issue for years! Every time i open my journal its literally the same thing i wrote last time, i has just forgotten! This isnt supposed to be "woe is me". I am very, very sad, though. Its supposed to be a warning. A wake up call, if you can hear it. Please be kind to yourself and if your life isnt working out how you thought maybe its time to be curious about why that is. Sending and requesting love.

[@stuti-ruthjacob5246]

Tough place. At least know that other person's love cannot fix your brokenness. Single or dating healing is still just your work. Don't feel guilty for the anxious. They knew what they were doing and how much. I am sure they saw the future with you.

[@archivemyracoon583]

@stuti-ruthjacob5246 thank you for your kind words. You're right, only i can heal myself and while i may need to it eventually in relation to others (cementing that other people are ok after all) first i have a massive amount of work to do solo. Thank you!

[@natewelch6490]

I'm in the same spot man. Was with my gf for 9 years and was always scared to get emotionally attached. When we broke up it crushed me. It's been just about 4 months (Christmas day with be the 4th month) and all I feel is continuous regret. I had finally come to the decision I was going to ask her to marry me this year (something she'd been bugging me about for many years) and by the time I figured it out she had already "checked out" of the relationship. I keep praying to Jesus that he will turn the situation around and let us reconcile the relationship. He's my only hope. Praying for a Christmas miracle

[@JETTSTACHI]

My struggle is why did it take me so long to stand up for myself, but instead, abandoning my wants and needs and believed him that I was "too much." Ugh! Now I hate that MF.

[@MinorKey135]

Might be hold over patterns from emotional abuse in childhood (like people pleasing, self abandonment, doubting yourself/reactions, etc) Glad you’re on/getting to the other side!

[@sierrashaheen677]

This is the video I’ve been looking for that describes my situation. Thank you for explaining it clearly, repetitiously, and accurately. I’m learning to understand my wants and needs in a healthy way to where I’m finally able to articulate it (for the most part) like you’re describing. Thank you

[@itsdeanya]

Then they want you back. I attracted Avoidants all my life. I used to joke that I must look great from behind, 'cause as soon as I started leaving, they wanted me back. 😂😂

[@judynofuente5605]

😂😂😂 Same here. Mine recently broke up with me. Three times in 16 months. Everything was blissful, no arguments. Then called to say his breaking up with me. He comes back crying. Then same old story but not this 3rd time. I am done, happy and know my worth. ❤

[@bobski8598]

I’m the anxious and he’s the a avoidant, we were in an on/off relationship of 5 years, the longest we were “together” in that time was 2 years. I reached my breaking point and for months I drove myself crazy trying to gather the strength to end the relationship for good, the guilt consumed me, but I finally left and went no contact. He came back twice over text and I stood my ground and told him I wasn’t interested and I deserve better. I was proud of standing up for myself, but I feel guilt over ending the relationship, even though I know I shouldn’t, feelings of worthlessness because why wasn’t I good enough when I gave him my all. I still wish things could have been different and love them. I know I shouldn’t feel guilt, and I know I was good enough, but still I feel these things. Life is more peaceful now, but I think about them every day. I’m working in therapy on myself and the childhood wounds that left me anxious and it’s hard work. I watch videos every day similar to this to keep me going. Thanks for the video x

[@Torchbearer666]

Your guilt is simply a reflection of your humanity and that's a wonderful thing to have. My breakup with my x was mutual but she monkey branched, as DA tends to do, to a new relationship immediately after we broke up. She even started posting stuff on social media and tagging him in the post 2 weeks after the fact, If they are not willing to do the work, then they don't deserve a 2nd thought. Congrats on leaving this person behind. They don't deserve people like us

[@guchavela4721]

Thank you for this I needed it. I broke up with him two days ago and I’m experiencing all these symptoms. I’m going to stay strong and continue to go to therapy and heal.

[@jamyl8368]

Know your worth and value! Maybe ask yourself daily “how can I value MYSELF today?”

[@EternalLove.1111]

anxious here finally dumped.avoidant....no more!!!!🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@kristi4848]

Me too

[@guybramwells]

I'm 18 years in...very close to the same.

[@guybramwells]

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

[@denny8097]

Timing couldn't be any better, i love how the universe knows it.

[@gabriellegreen2647]

Yes! ❤

[@Beastius24]

Thank you. I no longer feel guilt for standing up for myself for the first time ever in my life. 5 years of therapy...resolved a lot of baggage. I'm grieving but in a healthy way. I needed her in my life because that pain with the boomerangs, weeks of going silent on me pushed me to find my core wound and get over the narcissistic abuse of my mum.... I hope she will find her balance too (my ex, not my late mum)

[@Dottore-b4l]

I like how you focus on avoidants' partners, not on the avoidants. It is quite hard to figure out why thigs derail. Sometimes one needs to pull the tooth in the relationship and end it.

[@JETTSTACHI]

I don't know if I'm anxious, but I don't feel guilty for calling it off. I feel guilty for not calling it off sooner.

[@LadyMarigoldWithers]

Same! 5 years down the tube because I didn’t think enough of myself 😣

[@niv98]

The most exhausting thing is they make you break up with them, untill you go into deep regret of breaking up. It's really exhausting. Because everything will be going fine and nothing is wrong with the relationship. Untill one day, they don't want to be with you and push you far away.

[@LizardBlizzzard]

Thank you. Your videos have been helping me through a painful break up this week. I feel reassured that I have picked the secure and mature response.

[@ShanelleHarrison-iz6je]

I’m anxious and I dumped my avoidant. I went to a therapist and they told me my anxiety made me breakup prematurely. I went back to the relationship and the avoidant broke up with me when I discussed my needs

[@detraxop6680]

One way or the other it is good for you because where your needs can not be met you cannot function properly as a healthy human being.you will be fine.

[@wmd40]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you're doing better. have a nice day

[@JM-bv2mo]

This is me now - the anxious. I had to walk away after he was leaving me on read and I didn’t feel good.

[@ajmosutra7667]

Horrible

[@ajmosutra7667]

Thank you for emphatizing for anxious, i felt guilty a bit

[@kleacullhaj243]

Same he bodyshamed me and threatened to leave me if I don’t gain weight again , even told me he couldn’t be intimate with me bc of my weight . Felt like shit just left the house haven’t talked to each other in 2 months

[@angelinthemirror333]

I, the anxious, let her go twice. I got her back the first time because I questioned my decision, and I tried again. But when a second round when down, I left for good.

[@suukiiii]

Why did you regret it and when?

[@chillywilly8185]

I broke up with my avoidant ex twice when he crossed my boundaries. The third time he broke up with me but I didn't feel sad or angry, just disappointed that I gave that person the opportunity to prove himself and failed. I don't regret the relationship but it sad to see how immature they are

[@Pinkrose222-z]

You’re voice is so soothing, this made me cry. Sometimes we need a gentle reminder

[@roxyjohnson5112]

I'm securely attached, and I dumped my 4 year live-in relationship with my avoidant. I have set boundaries before. I got mad and said a snarky thing to him. He ran off and ghosted me. I told him to come and get his stuff. I'm not walking on eggshells.

[@TomThumb151515]

Yes I feel so guilty for not making an unworkable situation work

[@LouiseJohansson-m3j]

This exactly! I feel the same

[@jallisabutler3224]

This video is so crazy. How could you have known what’s In my mind! Wow. This is exactly what I’m dealing with right now. I’m the anxious and he’s the avoidant.

[@degenerativeworldz1094]

Was mostly securely attached in my previous relationships, but most recent one was first relationship with avoidant, and i didnt know anything about it. It started just as explained in the video, chemistry was out of this world, felt like i met twin flame or something of that sort (because if intensity of the experience, i tried to find all possible informations of why is this happening，and if anyone else had similar experience, and thats where i saw that term for the first time), and it felt like whole cosmos is singing a symphony to me. I got dreams, signs, numbers, sudden rush of feelings of absolute bliss, incredible creativity, body change, and feelings of my whole life starting to completely change by incredible love and connection i felt. Almost like it was completely destined! But it was not destined to be the partner for life (as i felt), instead it was destined to be the biggest lesson in human behavior and attachments style i ever got, as well as a deep self reflection of my own inner child wounds and shadow self. After the initial chemistry, the cycle of avoidance by my partner started, which was combined with some narcissistic traits. Slowly but surely i started to feel superbly anxious out of nowhere. I felt drained most of the time, and in a complete denial of reality. Didnt know a thing about attachment styles or personality types, but now i feel i can get a PhD on a subject. Cycle would go up and down in such extremes that it was keeping me in complete confusion. I genuinely wanted to get to know this person better, but at the same time it felt like whenever it was about to get more close and intimate, the person would leave and started avoidance cycle, which was complete opposite side of a spectrum. There were moments i felt completely loved to the every atom of my being, and moments where i would be neglected, criticized for no apparent reason, body shamed and other toxic behaviors, combined with love-bombing. As i started getting more neglected, and anxious, i suddenly woke up to the realization that im not happy with this person, and that realization however painful it was, it made me actually happy. There i drew the line, compared it to how i felt before, and i saw everything in more clear way, without pink glasses, and how i became anxious without ever feeling like that before. It was an eye opening moment, and i felt like suddenly waking up from a dream. I need to point out, that it was all my choice, and i somehow ignored all the red flags, because part of me was indulged into the dream and false narrative that we both fed to ourselves. The chemistry and deep feeling that this was destined, in my case was completely overpowering my logic and reasoning. And i now see it was all for a bigger reason to teach me important life lesson about myself. I dont blame the other person, i dont blame myself either. I actually see it now as a blessing, because it made me self-reflect in a way i never had before. I ended it a week ago, in a most compassionate and empathetic way possible, pointing out all the things that happened for both of us, good and bad, and reflecting the lessons i learned. I went trough many different phases. I felt happy, sad, guilty, grateful, anxious, depressed, empowered, strong. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, but i see the bigger picture of it now. Im happy this happened, even though it was probably one of the most emotionally complex experiences in my life, i feel its a big lesson and a teacher, and i would never be the same person afterwards.

[@fev0903]

Thanks for sharing that. It's scary how similar my experience was. How did the other person react when you ended it?

[@deb_diaries]

@@degenerativeworldz1094 Yep, you earned your PhD in Attachment Style the hard way. I can tell by what you have written that you are going to be absolutely fine. All the best!

[@degenerativeworldz1094]

​ @fev0903 Other person is actually aware of her avoidance and narcissistic traits to some extent and the damage that is done by this behavior, and how it influences her life by repeating the same loops in her relationships. Reactions were mixed. First day was more of a anxious, and later was more logical approach to the problem. During conversation, that was almost 2 days talk, of deep reflection, there were different moments. Sometimes she would be able to deeply self reflect on things, and sometimes felt like part of her wanted to protect the false narrative and illusion that was built, and would continue to love-bomb and protect the fantasy. Because of her avoidance/narcissistic traits , she would admit that she has a hard time processing emotions, and would often dedicate a specific day in the future, to feel what she has to feel, which to some extent is her coping mechanism. I pointed out clearly how what we are having is not a proper healthy relationship but rather a trauma bounding. We talked about her childhood traumas, and how and why those affect her life decisions and love/relationship patterns, as well as my own patterns, and what has to be done for proper healing, and for being better people in life in general after this experience. Some of her traumas are very deep and scaring experiences, and would definitely take a long time to properly heal. I have a high level of empathy and compassion, as well as intuitiveness for problem solving, but at the same time its very taxing on my own well being, and there is just as much as i can do. Some parts of this life journey we have to walk alone. I did provide all of myself to help her self-reflect, and get to some of those deep core wounds, help her recognize where they come from, and help her shine light and love and understanding. But the rest of the work she has to do herself. She wants to stay friends, even thou that is not the healthiest thing to do in this moment, especially because of the intensity of experience and difficulty of letting go of false narrative, so i suggested a period of complete distance and no contact, however difficult for me, it is the right decision. I'm pretty sure that even thou traumatic, and complex emotional experience, we will be changed for life by this, and we will never be the same people again. This is the loop to end all loops.

[@degenerativeworldz1094]

@@deb_diaries thank you

[@marguskiis7711]

Exactly the same story I had. DAs are all the same everywhere

[@seohyunlee730]

Wow..well said!! The advice that I wasn't expected to hear during the period of agony because of one person who doesn't want to open up about his emotion but wanted to keep me for his physical satisfaction. So sad to accept but true.😢😢😢

[@minniealbert9894]

This is on point 💯I'm going through everything you have mentioned in your video. This was a video I needed to see 👀 I'm hurting, but I know, and time I will get over this. I deserve better

[@vanessabermudez1683]

I needed to hear this thank you. Right on point.

[@sarahkhan6742]

I am anxious attachment and finally i dumped him after 6 years, because i was working hard on my attachment issues and codependency issues. So for now its straight 2 months avoidant did not contacted.

[@MD-gk2un]

Same

[@NewPhone-r6s]

1.6 year with first avoidant & 6 month with the second avoidant ( No contact) trust me it only gets better without them day by day

[@ARTEMIS-m9t]

Mines now busy trying to come back in but it's already made all my anxiety rush back in and I just want to hit the bottle

[@NewPhone-r6s]

@@ARTEMIS-m9t don't give a reaction to them, otherwise the cycle of coming in and going out will repeat They only come back to check if you're smart enough to take them back But once you let them in they'll do everything which will hurt you, Because they know you accept them regardless of what they do, they'll take you for granted, Take Care, My friend( I'm seeing this game since childhood)

[@cobragirl15]

Im at that point. I've taken so much abuse. He literally blew off plans with me to go get loaded with friends even after I told him that what he was doing is hurting my feelings. His response? "I don't know what else to do" he doesn't care about my feelings. I can't take it anymore. He can't meet my needs. He's not capable. And he isn't willing to work on himself to make this work. I'm out. And I'm anxious as fuck over it. But I'm trying to stay strong

[@doglover5519]

He told me He was so sorry and then left again.

[@cobragirl15]

@@doglover5519 they don't know how to meet themselves. Truly. It sucks. And it's so painful. They don't understand what they're doing

[@tamwright278]

Girl. I'm with you .I'm feeling so anxious over my decision that I know it is the right decision

[@mgn1621]

@@cobragirl15 i feel sorry for them. Too scared of facing their shame and fears to see help.

[@Stephsjourneyhome]

Why are they not able to take accountability? It’s so confusing to see someone so deep into denial.

[@MadeManifest111]

They're able. Most don't even realize they're the problem and so many that actually do, don't want to do the work to heal themselves. It's easier to go hurt someone else.

[@ARTEMIS-m9t]

I finally did an ultimatum a month ago and ended in he ran away. I am no longer trying to fix it. 5 years of struggling. I am letting go. Too painful. If he were to really try or commit to some change I would consider it but all I really see would be more of the same. And I am so damaged now.

[@21puff]

You nailed it, Coach Ryan. Especially about feeing too guilty to end it with our avoidant partner.

[@SkinWzrd]

That's what I'm going through..30 years of hot and cold. My husband is DA, left me 5 months ago, stonewalls and ghosts. End of this month I'm ready to tell him I'm filing. I'm brokenhearted but I can't do this anymore.

[@strangelove0108]

My breakup speech is written, and I’m 100% making sure he knows this was on him for the reasons you stated. My wants and needs matter and he chose to ignore it. It’s a firm and gentle approach with my wording, but it still gets the point across that he chose this, not me. I took off my wedding ring today, and I don’t plan to put it back on. Actually, I might sell it for some extra spending money for my April vacation.

[@nataliabusko1432]

The thing is: whoever you dating they don’t hate about your speech. Just walk away

[@LadyMarigoldWithers]

He pushed me to going scorched earth. Never felt so unwanted and worthless over that final weekend. The only guilt I feel is for the 5 years I wasted hoping for change. 6 months later and he’s reaching out with small pointless texts for no fcking reason but he’s getting short shrift from me. I feel like a completely different person. I’m more angry, less tolerant, less hopeful, still hurt and grieving and frustrated that I still miss him! It’s part of the process I know. The clarity is there but my system just hasn’t caught up yet 😢

[@Darkempress45]

Block him and move on. You have to go cold turkey with these people

[@katieraehiphiphooray]

Hero! ❤🎉

[@realhawaii5o]

I did this. I'm the anxious and my partner was avoidant. Just absolutely overflowed and dumped all my feelings knowing that I would feel bad after it. But it had to be done.

[@whitneytravels]

THIS IS SPOT ON. Hurtful and emotional but spot on. I was avoidant with my 1st love and I felt I wasn’t good enough for him. I’m now secure and loving myself more and more everyday ❤

[@CyberPrussian]

Wow, that resonated strongly both with my situation and what I'm going through after breakup. Thank you for that. Clear and concise.

[@joeg4466]

I needed to hear this. I AM more secure now. It still doesn't feel good.

[@Selene0513]

These videos make me feel seen and heard 😥

[@buccanaquarter]

I’m a secure and my relationship with her avoidant self has forced me to put up boundaries.

[@perfectlysassy]

It’s difficult for both people who deal with these types of issues. It’s good to know this behavior in your relationship to reflect and heal. I myself am an anxious avoidant and I did not want to continue the vicious circle of this behavior and ended a relationship of 4 years with a gentleman I loved very much but, he was a dismissive avoidant and, I knew this was only going to continue in a bad way. This is a healing process. Thank you for this interesting insight into something I knew nothing about. It’s a great resource for leaning something about my own experiences.

[@thetribegoddess]

Can you explain how you did it? I’m wondering how to put together the right words

[@He-de-hi-js2yu]

I too have just done that after 4 years as an anxious avoidant. It’s hard but to regain my own self is empowering. Yes I feel guilty towards how he is feeling but that’s because I’m a nice person that doesn’t want to be the reason he is upset. But then I cast my mind back to all the times he didn’t even consider my feelings or invalidated my feelings, to the evenings of silence and then I realise my upset was never even acknowledged. Im worth my own happiness and freedom he didn’t respect that. I’m proud I found the strength to stand up for me!

[@Kbb-thatsme]

The avoidant had dumped me 19 times in 16 months. We live together so I always forgave him not that he asked for forgiveness. This last time was one too many so hearing this video was perfect. Except about family history of an anxious. I grew up in a very loving and caring family

[@mgn1621]

Research codependency

[@sylph99]

Oh even if you start off as “normal”, DA’s will make you anxious preoccupied over time !!

[@ButterCookie1984]

Yall had entirely too much going on.

[@kateaghaghiri2968]

I’m anxious but in counseling and improving to the point where I left the relationship. Everything Coach says is spot on.

[@huguesfereau1011]

That resumes my last relationship. You picture the anxious (me) as the victim but the avoidant is also a victim (of her traumas).

[@HussainYasser-qc7pk]

Yes, i am also a victim of my trauma

[@chriscottone2566]

I have been called all of the above…but the truth is also working on myself for 35yrs now within the marriage of equally as many years (he denies continuing to need to work on himself due to his own childhood trauma)…doesn’t mean it goes away or that one perfects the tools used on the daily…very frustrating for the self & partners! Life continues to happen & new events sometimes magnify the PTSD!😖what happens when both partners can identify with both the labels? Perhaps we should’ve never stayed together or married in the 1st place…just did t know about all these issues till we started reflecting everything back to each other & entered years of different therpies together & separately! Where does one go from here @ age 56 & 57? I Believe separation is necessary he does not… neither one of us want to be the bad guy!

[@cari9691]

I just broke up with my avoidant bf. He doesn't want to see me or even talk about planning a date? Im not gonna hang around in this fake relationship waiting for him to make an effort. Could be months before I see him. Who knows! I am worth investing in.

[@jak2828]

Going through the same thing. Saw her once in the last 6 weeks and it’s near impossible to get her to say yes to making solid plans. The only thing I asked for is more time with her and she made me feel like I was being needy and asking for too much, made me feel horrible about myself. Life is too short to spend my time on someone that treats me that way

[@cari9691]

@jak2828 highly recommend the KZbin channel called. Be something wonderful. It has completely changed my life. I feel amazing today.

[@0neinaMillyon]

How this comes up on my feed at the perfect moment.. thank you

[@annaburns2865]

I got married to get away from my family. But my husband brought me back to my family. Now I’m afraid of leaving the relationship, because whenever my husband leaves, my family will walk all over my boundaries again. It’s time to leave, but I don’t have enough resources. It really hurts.

[@blanketetet]

Thank you for saying that, and for reassuring us as many times as you did in this video because that is exactly what it took to refute the anxiety that was repeating in my brain.

[@quellequeen]

He ended it after saying that I didn't fulfill his "needs" aka s3x. After 25 years, 3 gorgeous kids (inside & out) and all of my time, effort, travail, forgiveness, pouring in of myself even in the midst of being emotionally abandoned and abused for years, he said I gave him crumbs (again meaning less s3x than what he wanted). If I ever tried to tell him what I needed to feel connected and close, it went in one ear and out the other. I didn't matter. I was just mom, maid, accountant, nanny, chauffeur, paperwork doer, personal assistant, cook, housekeeper, s3x doll and occasional Barbie doll to make him look good. But what about my needs for emotional intimacy & closeness? Crumbs. He did what he wanted to, not what was intimate to me. One time, on Mother's Day our daughter told him, "No Dad, momma doesn't like that. She likes this..." He got mad at her and me because I didn't like the thing he wanted to do. Then the last Mother's Day, he suggested to eat at place he liked, I went along with it to be with my kids, and then made me pay for it by saying at the end of the meal that he couldn't pay for it. He said I used him but he used me for everything and then discarded me when I stopped and started to enforce boundaries for myself. I did everything, yet he said I gave him crumbs. So when I hear these things about him stating his "needs" but not being willing bother himself with what I needed, I can only think that he feels smugly self-righteous in asking his wife of 25 years for a divorce right before the holidays, then pushing for it quickly so that he can tell his side chick that he's single right and somehow justify that to himself and our kids by saying that I didn't fulfill his "needs." Well that may be so but my needs were abandoned for at least a decade or more so I guess that makes two of us.

[@khaiabigail5508]

Thanks for telling an anxious that is not selfish thing to do🤍

[@LiaVargas-p8r]

I ended the relationship at 6 months. After 2 months this guy was not making any time to spend together and alone his sister and her friend were always there and I was just over here in the corner. I felt so frustrated and empty on the inside that I was like disgusted with myself for accepting this pile of crap. I understand you have wounds and all but for you to only see stuff your way… I’m sorry I’m not going to be the one you use to obtain your validation.

[@peterandre]

I am fearful avoidant in a long term (10+ years) relationship with a DA, but very much recognize this. I also have turned more anxious over the years I guess. Currently in the process of ending things, but it feels like indeed she's forcing me to end it so she's not the bad guy. I've already had so many great insights from this channel, keep it up Ryan!

[@hazyshadeproductions]

Pretty sure I'm an FA with a DA-lean, but getting more secure and learning to set boundaries. I recently ended a 15+ year relationship with my DA. I still love him and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. This video resonated with me, on the emotions I've been going through, but I do NOT get the impression that my ex is relieved, at all. He did not want it to end. Maybe his relief will come later.

[@BiscuitsNGravy-p3l]

What did you see that your ex may be forcing you to end it?

[@Darkpheria]

I'm heartbroken. I loved him.😢

[@MenelikAME]

After 3 push pull cycles over 6 months… when I felt that SLOW FADE… I released her after a few lengthy conversations. But when she was brutally HONEST as was I: after careful consideration I LET HER GO!!! Thanks COACH 🏄‍♂️ Guy ✌🏿 #NoContactWorks

[@BiscuitsNGravy-p3l]

Great job! Hopefully you did not sustain any long term damage from that exposure.

[@MenelikAME]

@ to be honest, it was rough at the beginning. However, the further away I get over time I can see that I was attached to the person I idealized. Not the person she is. Time indeed can heal all wounds with reflection, self awareness, and a willingness to forgive myself for giving so much, so soon, without any signs of reciprocity. Lesson learned 😎

[@BiscuitsNGravy-p3l]

@@MenelikAME I can relate. That’s how I feel about my recent discard by a DA woman. I invested so much, so soon because our relationship blossomed from a friendship. However, her as a friend is way different than her as a partner. She started out open, connected and emotionally available. Later on, lying, cheating, future faking, etc became the norm. Even showed her evidence I know she is cheating. Lied to my face she isn’t. I’m in the healing and recovery stage right now. The wisdom and knowledge I have gained from this experience, I am going to bounce back so hard into the dating market. The avoidant woman thought I would be broken and damaged. No, an Unstoppable Spirit Warrior has been awaken. The Fire has been set within.

[@ajmosutra7667]

Thank you for emphatizing for anxious, i felt guilty a bit

[@jillysjourney3402]

I did this 6 years ago. Had never heard of "boundaries " till after divorce. Felt like I could finally breath!

[@roxanakh2094]

This is exactly what I experienced with my avoidant ex who I loved. He pulled back and I had no choice but to break up with him( I'm not exactly secure but not exactly anxious either) I gave him three months of no contact and then messaged him to see if he wanted to meet. Not necessarily to rekindle but even to say a proper goodbye because I felt guilty about breaking up over text. It's so painful that you'd lose your love because of all the trauma and neglect they experience but it's painful to be with them and allow them to neglect you. So I left… I still love him and I wish I could share this video or talk to him to bring some insight but I can't.

[@darrinmiller8176]

Man this guy is spot on I just broke up with my da gf of 2yrs I felt like I was dating myself!!!!😂 Just horrible no accountability ever!!

[@judynofuente5605]

Likewise. We never argue for 16 months but he broke up with me three times . Lastly, broke up with me through phone call before his 1 week vacation in Mexico with his 23 yo daughter and 25 yo son. And he texted me to not come to his house but wait till he comes back from his vacation "which is today" to give my stuffs back . I am relieved and happy. I have given everything to please him. All for him and nothing to myself. It's so sad that there's actually people like them exist in this world. Thought his therapy could help our relationship which I told him I was happy because it's a big step for him to do that. Then again, it didn't help. We can't help Avoidant person to keep their sanity inclined. They will always leave when they feel troubled. Comes back crying after missing us. Truly heartbreaking experience for someone like me who has given everything to keep him safe with me. Sending love to all who suffered from this traumatic relationship. I know my worth. We don't need an insane immature human beings like Avoidant.!!

[@ugh635]

I broke up with my DA GF about 6 weeks ago. 99% of my anxiety left me right then.

[@darrinmiller8176]

Hahaha mine too it's the best Christmas present I ever gave myself 😂

[@niv98]

I called it off. I am not angry or hurt. I should've done it sooner. I wish him the best in life but not with me.

[@InspiredByYou55]

Literally me rn. Anxious partner ending things with avoidant and he's already with another woman within 1 week. I know i deserve better than just bare min.

[@positivelyela3286]

I needed this, thank you. I told him we needed to work on our relationship and ended up breaking up over a phone call since he borrowed my dog and I didn't want to rip the dog away from him without him knowing. I've done a lot of work on myself since and I'm still not perfect, but he still blames me and wants me to work on myself and wait for him.

[@ayisha1978]

Hey thank you Coach Ryan, I needed to hear exactly what you put in this video, I so, so needed to hear this, to stop with feelings of guilt and really start to just heal and let go. Thank you.

[@TheBeppie65]

Yes my story now. I said goodbye en booked a trip to Berlin on my own. It is now me time ❤

[@stephensnavely982]

I was the avoidant and my girlfriend left me 2 months ago. All I have done is reflect on what I did wrong and how I can change and have been working on recognizing these patterns in myself so that when the guy she went back to cheats on her or puts his hands on her again im ready to pick her up so we can fix what I broke between us

[@katg5746]

She'll need time to heal her cycles of trauma too. Or she'll just do the same thing with you no matter what you do to change she won't grow out of her habits just because you change. But kudos to you and get healed as much as you can for your own health and safety

[@stephensnavely982]

@katg5746 i am working on myself and I hope she does the work herself like she was doing before she met me. I know they won't last. And I have that hope that she'll come back and we can get it eight this time

[@usersss100]

i did. it took alot of thinking. i gave up the most important thing in my life. it sucked. but remembering what led to this, it feels less hurt. I guess i truly love her now. I want you to be happy even if it meant without me.

[@mandysnotsosmalltalk3623]

It is so frustrating how deep the program runs. Thank you for your post and reassurance of what is secure. 🎉

[@beretblanc8585]

Damn that just happened to me a few hours ago.. it was only 2 months but I couldn't hold it anymore, I felt so bad for the other person but I felt a huge sense of relief like it was the right thing to do... This video landed at the exact right time, it's like putting the right words on something so hard to explain to others, thanks for the motivating video