Imposter Syndrome as an Autistic Person

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Check out last week's video here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/boitYmWGZtd9kKc where I talk about how I'm doing two years after receiving my Autism diagnosis. Thank you!

[@TawnH1]

I may not watch all your videos because I can hear stuff I don't want to hear when I use headphones (and I have to use headphones)... But I subscribed.

[@CourtneyLiterally]

@@TawnH1can you please let me know what specifically you are hearing so maybe I can make some adjustments. Some stuff can’t be helped, but I am happy to try!

[@TawnH1]

​@@CourtneyLiterally I don't think you can help it... I think it's actually mouth sounds (all I can think of to call it) that your mic is picking up. I'm not going to ask you to figure that out. There are others I'm subscribed to whose mics pick up their mouth sounds, too. I just wait until I'm home alone or something to watch videos, so I don't have to have my headphones

[@Anarchistyogi]

Trying not to be difficult is so relatable, and we get so used to repressing parts of ourselves that we doubt if they even exist sometimes.

[@CourtneyLiterally]

100% yes!

[@nayaleezy]

I can do many NT things, even make them look effortless at times... that doesn't mean I find it pleasurable and aren't being drained on the inside by the effort.

[@hongfeng]

I'm not diagnosed, but I "have a feeling" and sometimes I don't even know what is me, because I try so hard for so long, to not be difficult ... 😑

[@steveneardley7541]

If your experience is that people find you annoying and difficult, you have to respond to that in some way. I don't necessarily think of it as masking, just trying to rein in things that seem to upset people. For me, at least, I this doesn't erode my sense of who I am.

[@Anarchistyogi]

@ I think you’re articulating something different, the conscious act of modifying behavior that others express they don’t like. What I’m referring to is when even expressing emotions or having needs is seen as difficult from a young age, and you make yourself as invisible as possible to be seen as “good”. It’s hard to acknowledge the value of your own lived experience after that, but it is an important part of growth.

[@turntablez504]

I'm a self-realized autistic. And I made the mistaske recently of mentioning that on r/SpicyAutism. In a comment, I went into detail about my autism discovery process. How it runs in my family, how I've been researching this stuff for ten goddamn years, how multiple psychiatrists have suspected it. And still, there was more than one reply attacking me. Things like "Oh, it must feel good to just pick a label" and "Would you claim to have cancer if your legs hurt a bit?". Complete nonsense. The immense discrepancy between their words and my actual reality eased my imposter syndrome in a way. I can't work, I've been bullied out of almost every job I've had, I've had meltdowns so bad I couldn't drive the next day. I KNOW I'm not fooling myself when I acknowledge that I am autistic. Imposter syndrome still comes up for me, but the sheer amount of suffering I've gone through does ease it. I couldn't possibly fake this much suffering even if I tried.

[@edgarslastpoe3137]

I was a self realized autistic until a little over a month ago when I got officially diagnosed, you are valid.

[@Boltzmannbrain_2]

r/spicyautism sucks

[@nayaleezy]

There are toxic people all across the spectrums

[@joethecounselor]

Glad to be here with you, discovering, and just to affirm, yes, you're right. Those jackholes haven't thought about this for even 2% of the time you have. You know you, and you know you're autistic. So there it is! Just live it! You're still you, and you're still awesome (better than those stinky neurotypicals, even).

[@srldwg]

You are valid. Just what you wrote here is enough to show that you relate to the immense struggles because you have experienced them.

[@timb4756]

I was diagnosed 15 months ago at 50 and relate to almost everything you said. My impostor syndrome was absolutely dominating my thoughts from the time I first realized I was very likely to be autistic until my formal diagnosis, and for a few months after my diagnosis, but a little over a year later it is much much better. I still have doubts sometimes when I've had a good nights sleep, a good breakfast, the temperature is just right, my clothes aren't irritating me, by skin isn't itching, the lights aren't too bright, there's no intrusive noise, I have nothing I need to get done that day and my anxiety is generally low. For a few blissful moments I might think I'm actually okay and I was stupid for thinking I could be autistic. Then I hear a lawn mower, a car passing by, someone put something though my letterbox, someone knock on my door, I get a text message or worse my phone rings, or one of a hundred other things and suddenly I'm on the verge of a meltdown and realize I was actually stupid for considering my temporary reprieve meant I might not be autistic. Anyway, I think we late-diagnosed high-masking autistic people all go through it. Thank you for your videos. Happy stimming.

[@solipsisticBovine]

yep, all of that (diagnosed a few years earlier, but pretty much the same story). riffing on the themes of "imposter syndrome", "high masking" and "old folks" ... for those of us who have gone this long in ignorance (attempting to keep calm &c), what does it even mean to "unmask"? is the entire identity we've built over decades just a front? greetings from paranoid-overthinking-land.

[@GoldilocksZone-665]

I'm not sure but I suspect many of us don't realise we have a thing called 'impostor syndrome' most of the time. We're notoriously difficult to accept help. We hate to feel entitled. Everybody else can be entitled - we just think it's our lot to have to let others take priority. Even if we can step outside of ourselves, and look at things objectively and comparatively, and realise the level of unfairness we always accept - we are exactly the same meek and unentitled person we were once we go back in. I think that might be a big part of impostor syndrome. It's not so much that we feel like we are unbelieved, most of the time, but we don't feel entitled to be taken seriously. So, then, we over explain everything to leave as little room for misunderstanding or disbelief as possible. Then there are so many deliberately contrary people who will question, in an attempt to nullify or subvert, everything we say. I have very little patience left for them, now. They are on extremely thin ice with me. They think they're being funny. Or, perhaps, they have a touch of sociopathy or something. Don't be pulling that ** with autistic people. Certainly not the adult ones, anyway. I've taken to trying to film everything, on my mobile phone, for when somebody asks me about something and then starts to say I must have been mistaken or I'm exaggerating. So I can say, "Before you start - shut up. Watch the video." Hard to know which occurrences I must film, though. Don't know what somebody else is going to question. If it's unusual - I film it. Just in case. Perhaps, a touch of 'Cassandra' along with the 'Impostor' :) .

[@MicheleZaylaMusic]

Thank you so much for sharing this. It made me cry, because I related so much.

[@MicheleZaylaMusic]

@@GoldilocksZone-665 really appreciate you sharing this.

[@steveneardley7541]

I know I am having a good day when my neighbor slamming her door doesn't make me jump. I remark on it internally--like "Oh, I can be pretty normal today."

[@ruthbarrett8907]

Try to imagine finding out at 60! I bore four children, have many grandchildren, married young and I’m still in love with him. My brother brought me my mother’s clothes(she died 2 weeks earlier) and going through them, some I couldn’t touch! I wondered how in the world she ever allowed such horrendous fabrics to touch her skin! I knew two of my brothers had Asperger’s, and was researching about autism and found a channel that had an autism test link. I took the test, with full confidence that I would pass as normal…the scoring said, out of 50, possibility of autism if scored 35…my score was 46! Further investigation and study and I was hit with the realization that I was autistic! But then, looking back over my life, suddenly I had explanations about things I did…freaking out over lights, sound in noisy environments…why I took a rocking chair to nursing school for the last year so I could tolerate lectures, meltdowns at home, when I became safe, after tremendous pressure out in the world, it goes on and on…it’s been quite a ride. Now, 3 years later, I find peace in knowing my brain is just wired differently and I’m not the alien I always thought I was, that it’s ok to not “fit” and the best thing is, my husband loves me no less, but now offers so much more grace to me. I am thankful. Hope my comment helps.

[@steveneardley7541]

Similar story. I figured it out at about age 73. My kindergarten teacher had suggested therapy (wouldn't play, shutdowns), but my parents just ignored her. I understand so much more about all the problems I've faced. I don't use the label, because it doesn't mean anything very meaningful to anyone, even in my own family. I've broached it, but they aren't interested. The only person who accepts my being autistic in a real way is a friend whose son is autistic, and has studied it. He can see it.

[@dtearney]

This reminds me of a thought I had this morning while out getting breakfast. I think the word "Disillusion" may be my favorite word in the English language to describe a sense of loss, confusion, and emotional pain. I say so because I view so much of our "world" (even down to our concept of what a world is) to be an illusion. Our attitude, our mood, and our thoughts are objectified by world leaders regardless of our worldview, but we're likely to be labeled 'optimistic' when we focus on the rewards coming our way. We are 'pessimistic' when we acknowledge the cost of our rewards and their sometimes meager impact. When we prioritize survival over winning and losing, we're 'realists'. If we work hard for our "dreams" to come true, we're 'idealists'. I guess my point is that I, as someone who was never diagnosed but also might land somewhere on the spectrum, feel like my whole childhood was about learning how to please people, because there was no illusion to sell for ADHD/Autism. Those things made people an obstacle to the illusion of an ideal, functioning society where taking financial short cuts was (and still is) the quickest path to wealth, genius was a temporary status measured by arbitrary test scores, and the best thing to be was anything except one's self. It's made me reexamine the phrase "to be a product of one's time", because we kind of all are, to an extent. For as members of a society, we take part in nourishing an illusion of civility that's in a constant state of revision. When reflecting on my life growing up and where I am today, I would describe my experiences in social situations as intensely alienating.

[@daryayermokhina9232]

I’m self-identified AuDHDer, and I see a pattern in how an imposter syndrome affects me. I have been masking for such a long time, so that it became my default mode in social situations. After realizing I have AuDHD this year, I began to introduce accommodations, which are really helpful. So for me the cycle goes like that: use accommodations -> feel better->have more energy-> feel capable of doing things->imposter syndrome->agreeing to more activities outside comfort zone->masking->shutdown/meltdown->rest->imposter syndrome again->remind myself of autism->repeat from the beginning When I have energy, I mostly don’t watch autism videos, but I come back every time I have imposter syndrome and every time I have a feeling of “ah yes, I’m still autistic, that hasn’t changed and it is not an illusion”. Therefore I’m grateful to all the autistic creators on KZbin whom I watch for being here and validating my perception of myself and my life experiences

[@steveneardley7541]

I think it is important to stray beyond one's comfort zone though. I developed a lot of social skills by plowing through situations that were unpleasant and took a lot of work. I still have a lot of social problems, but I now have friends and enjoy a lot of social situations. If I hadn't pushed myself, I would still be totally withdrawn. I must add, though that I don't ever suffer meltdowns. Even as an undiagnosed kid, I knew when I had to withdraw from a situation that was "scrambling my brain." And I always gave myself permission to just leave. No matter how awkward this was, it never had social repercussions. I hid under a table at a high school party, and everyone just pretended not to notice. I got no feedback on it at all, which was fine with me! I had the persona of a "weird guy" and that gave me more leeway for socially peculiar behavior.

[@daryayermokhina9232]

@ You’re right, I agree. I also used to push myself and achieve things. You’re lucky though that you could give yourself permission to leave. I wish I had the same experience, but my parents tried to teach me to endure hardships. I learned it well and did push, until I got burnt out and depressed. That’s one of the reasons I found out about my autism. Now I have no strength to push, but I still go step by step to a better understanding of who I am and who I want to be. I’d compare it to taking part in a race being blindfolded, trying your hardest, even winning it several times, finally trying one more time and falling on the ground exhausted. And then the blindfold drops down and you understand that during all that time it was only you who was blinded, no one told you before, and you used to think it was you being not good enough.

[@steveneardley7541]

@@daryayermokhina9232 I think because my father used to yell at me all the time for EVERYTHING, that I ended up ignoring criticism, and deciding that I just needed to pursue life on my own terms. An autistic friend was once being upbraided by her father for something she did, and she said "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm Sorry. I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry for what I WILL DO. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

[@dragonite87]

I can relate to "not feeling autistic enough". I was diagnosed in the early 90s with high functioning autism when I was 4 or 5. I have a "professional" job in an office, I drive, I live alone and I function in many ways like an adult. But I'm never going to be like an NT. My manager knows that I need clear written instructions when I'm assigned tasks, but sometimes I still manage to misinterpret her instructions. It's a work in progress though.

[@catjuzu]

I can relate to the missinterpreting thing. I've learned to also interpret stuff but I'm not good at it. Evetime I have to do it, it makes me feel very insecure. I really need clear instructions.

[@brendamattox7558]

The more videos like this I see, not only from you Courtney, but many other late-diagnosed autistics I follow, the less doubt I have that I am one of these. So much over the course of my life makes sense! And I spent a lot of time trying "not to be difficult" as well. But after 60-plus years, I think it's time to be difficult if something is causing me physical or emotional pain. No more suffering in silence!

[@CourtneyLiterally]

I absolutely agree Brenda! Thank you so much for commenting!

[@steveneardley7541]

One of the first things I started doing was unapologetically saying "I can't really have this conversation here. There's too much noise and confusion." It's an easy fix to something I used to just suffer through.

[@lovelyrainflowerfarm]

Absolutely. I struggle with this big time. I look at a lot of content. I’ve started reading books. They all help. But the latest book I’ve read “Why can’t I just enjoy things?” has been very helpful because his autism is similar to mine and it made me feel more valid.

[@ThePenguinDruid]

The imposter syndrome in autism is so annoying (especially since I have not had an official diagnosis yet). Everytime I am having a good day my brains tries to convice me I cannot be autisitic because if I was then my day should have been worse. But then if I have a bad day and I need to accommodate myself my brain still tries to convice me that I am not autistic but just lazy/weak and thus I do not deserve the accommodations. I have been doing better at fighting this instinc though.

[@ZSchrink]

I definitely have the feeling of constantly being watched. It never feels malicious, just always that extra additional thing in my head where it just feels like someone is currently looking through my curtains or someone is currently looking directly at me in my car or something like that. It's so obnoxious!

[@CourtneyLiterally]

That's sort of what it feels like to me too! It only feels really bad really if I'm already in a negative headspace.

[@ZSchrink]

@CourtneyLiterally and I feel like it would make so much more sense if it was one of those scenarios where I was doing something malicious and it felt like my conscience was trying to be overbearing. But they're always such benign things, like 'hey you've already itched that spot on your shoulder several times in the last minute, doesn't that look weird.' *I'm alone, brain, it doesn't matter if it's weird. You are the only one to know!*

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Oh my goodness YES!! Like COME ON BRAIN! Haha! That's totally it!

[@lisaschwegel3520]

I feel that too, I have decided it's my guard that keeps me alert to behave normal because somebody might see me. I've lived with that all my life, I'm 61, and when I let down my guard and ignore the feeling, I find out that people actually were watching me. Can't seem to get a break from the neurotypical.

[@markday3145]

I'm 60, and self-diagnosed. I finally committed to my self-diagnosis a little less than 2 years ago. I'm clearly high masking. I feel like I "pass" for "normal" most of the time. I was always a good student. I had a successful career. I feel like I don't have a lot of outward signs that make me seem autistic. But I think that's in large part due to my very practiced masking. The thing is, that I'm not sure where the line is between authentic me and the mask. Maybe I've worn the mask so long it has fused with authentic me (kind of like a young tree that had a wire help holding it up, but the now older tree has just grown around the wire, covering it up). In revealing my autism to my best friend, I got both "that explains a few things" and "you don't seem that different." I know it wasn't meant to be dismissive. I take it as confirmation that my masking was actually pretty effective. I also wonder if my friend is autistic, too. Maybe I'm not that different -- from my friend. One of the best days of my life involved that same friend. It was a very emotional day (external emotion is very difficult for me to handle), way beyond my comfort zone, and something I didn't have a plan or script for, so I was forced to wing it. In our interaction, I did so many things right that day! I kept trying to figure out how it was that I managed to get it right, and hopefully replicate it with other people. I always thought I got it right that day **despite** my autism. I've been reading _Unmasking_Autism_ by Devon Price. As a result of one of the exercises in the book, I realized that that really great day was so far outside my comfort zone that I had no plan, no script, and therefore no way of knowing how to mask in that situation. That was a more genuine, authentic version of me than almost anyone has ever seen. I'm still wrapping my head around the realization that I got it right that day **because** of my autism, not despite it. Sometimes autistic me just has a good day. I think maybe I need to stop questioning why, and just take the win. Oh, and try to remember those good days, so that when I have a bad day, maybe those good memories will keep me from spiraling into defeatism. The memory of that really great day has been a lifeline to cling to on bad days.

[@TheVerdantSorcerer]

Oh bloody hell, I didn't know about the, feeling like you're being watched thing. I'm so uncomfortable in gyms, and shops, because I feel like everybody is watching my every move. I didn't realise it was another autism thing 😳

[@grooviechickie]

Me neither. I know now to add it to my running list. Yes, I have a long list of my autistic traits for the day that I can afford to get assessed...

[@heatherwilliams3748]

I didn't know that either. I feel like that often, that people are critiquing me or scrutinizing me silently. In reality, I'm sure this isn't happening but the feeling is so strong either way. I think it stems from feeling out of place among peers and the fear that someone will notice it. Very annoying.

[@steveneardley7541]

As you get older you will realize that no one, including people who you know, think about you almost ever.

[@Doleryn]

I relate so much to that, because a lot of the discomforts I have are not things that I hear Autistic people around me talk about and in those moments, I'm like "Am I even autistic """"enough""" ?" Edit : I'm so glad you're keeping the "happy stimming" outro !!!!

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Thanks Dole! 💖

[@aidanscott216]

Glad to stumble upon your channel. I relate to so much of what you're saying. After our daughter's recent diagnosis, I started to see a lot of features in myself. I'm fortunate to work in a caring work environment, and another member of my team recently opened up about their adult (self) diagnosis with ASD/ADHD. I've been ruminating on the pros and cons for whether or not to pursue an adult diagnosis. Due to my past trauma and complex PTSD diagnosis, I'm leaning towards not being comfortable with self-diagnosis because the imposter syndrome would never shut up about it! Anyway, thanks for your vulnerable, open content on the topic.

[@DAHYPEMAN4115]

I'm on the journey on self discovery and you have been a huge part of this journey, my whole life I have been trying to accommodate everyone else but heaven forbid I accommodate myself because wearing headphones will look disrespectful and it won't be if I explain to people why I need it. "But Why would you want to do that?" My whole family has been invalidating me for years and only now, even more so because of this path of self identification. "It's not that loud", "There's no reason to be upset" but there is because I have been trying to communicate to you but it's like I'm talking to the wall. To makes matters worse I have to pretend everything is fine or I'm going to be difficult. Everytime I address an issue to my sister she responds with "I'm not Autistic" because I was diagnosed with ADHD. There's a good chance I have both because my brother has both. This is becoming a real problem where I'm uncomfortable sitting with my family.

[@markday3145]

I really loved seeing your joy about "Happy Stimming!" at the end there. Thanks! 😊

[@Weird_guy79]

Think we are so used to not fitting in and not belonging anywhere that we find it difficult to accept that we do fit somewhere and/or with some others.

[@MicheleZaylaMusic]

@Weird_guy79 good point

[@Scribbles222]

I really appreciated this. I'm self-diagnosed, and I get stuck in a loop where I think what if I'm wrong, but then reminding myself what leads me to the original conclusion. It helped hearing your story because I realize if I was formally diagnosed, I would probably wonder if I played it up for the diagnosis or if the professional was wrong, or something like that. It also really helped hearing from someone else who has more issues with sensory struggles than communication ones because that's my experience too. One of the loops that plays in my head when I'm feeling like an imposter is that I don't have enough "social deficits" to "count" according to the DSM. But then I think about monotropism and how maybe the DSM is putting too much emphasis on that characteristic anyway, when the actual condition may be more than that. Lord knows the DSM has problems! Then I'll be going over this with someone close to me and they will remind me of a time when they noticed "social deficits" (I hate that term!) in me. At the end of the day, giving myself audio accommodations has been a lifesaver and learning about many concepts related to autism has really helped, so I should just be satisfied with that... but I know the loop will start again when I'm feeling like an imposter. Anyway, all that to say that it was really validating to me to see you struggle with similar issues. Thank you for sharing. 💜

[@RI0Tkitty]

Wow I relate soooo much to this 🙀 I’m suspecting I’m autistic as well and am just now trying to feel comfortable using the term “self-diagnosed” even though I believe it’s completely valid! And I have to keep reminding myself how I came to this conclusion. Yeah, on a perfect day I feel like a well-functioning human, but on a hard day I feel like the world is absolutely crumbling 🙃

[@MrPenfold71]

New subscriber here! I was diagnosed in April at the age of 53, and I totally relate to imposter syndrome, as well as thinking that people are looking at me (paranoia). I am still processing my diagnosis and not a day goes by without me having little eureka moments about something that happened years ago that I can now attribute to my autism. I relate to your sound sensitivity, as this is a big thing for me. I can hear everything and can easily be overwhelmed with noise to the point of shutdown. I have 'come out' to my family and some work colleagues (I don't have or need friends of any description), and am learning to unmask a little in front of them, and I stim all the time now with my slinky spring and don't care what people think of me! Looking forward to more of your channel as times goes on, and pleased to be a part of the autistic family across the world.

[@Hizangable]

Really nice video, love the channel so far, your not the typical "haha I'm autistic isn't it so cute" and it's much more real and I really do like it. Happy Stimming!

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Thank you so much! ❤️

[@em_m5989]

"access to myself" is so well put

[@sarahb2652]

Yes I have had imposter syndrome since before and after my diagnosis but it is fading ,mainly due to the fact that I have had many moments where I have really felt autism like a disability. Times when I am overwhelmed, feeling hypersensitive, anxious and still trying to think straight enough to carry out a task. The clunkiness of my brain at these moments is enough to show me that it is real!! I am exhausted with the effort of masking so I am doing it less and less which has been an eye opener for some people around me. I am caring less and less what people think and just starting to put in the accomodations I need and being honest with my family/partner if I cannot do something. I am getting better at asking for help as well, not easy, but no one else is going to prioritise my wellbeing so I am doing it and we all deserve to have self care and accomadations to make life easier. Each day is different as far as how autistic I feel and it all depends on where I am, whats happening, if something happens I wasn't expecting, etc etc. Thanks for sharing.🧡

[@joshuabenes]

Thank you for sharing this. As someone who is currently self diagnosed I feel this a lot. I've started making notes on the autistic traits I see in myself as a reminder to stop trying to be normal. Being normal hasn't worked for decades, I can't expect it to magically work now. Interestingly enough, the resource in your description is the same website I found that made me realize I was autistic and that I didn't have BPD.

[@CourtneyLiterally]

That's also a really helpful thing to do! I had to go over all the accommodations I make for myself in my assessment and the list was extensive. Sometimes going over it is a good reminder of the reality of my situation and makes me feel better.

[@dalekblep8136]

I have my official autism assessment appointment in late february next year and you can bet that ever since it's been confirmed, I have been dealing with the worst case of anxiety-inducing, burnout-worsening imposter syndrome I ever did see (4 years of hyperfocused research apparently isn't enough for my brain to let me off the hook lol) It makes me feel better to know I'm not alone but MAN does it s*ck... PS: 'Happy stimming' is such a cute phrase

[@rachealchiki5735]

This is totally new to me and I am going through the process of getting evaluated for autism and a lot of these videos feel like ah ha moments for me. This morning I had a moment...I've had many times before but I asked in a support group if anyone else had it before. It is like a high pitch ring or loud constant roar in total quiet.... literally the silence is too loud. And a boy in the group asked me very directly if I was mental and I immediately started to question myself again. I've gone back and forth with even bringing up the ideal of being evaluated with my therapist for a year and a half because I always go back to saying no I'm just crazy or I don't do it like that and then to have someone call me crazy it just felt awful in a situation that already felt pretty awful I just felt like I just don't know how to make it stop. So I googled autism and hearing silence and I found all kinds of relative validating searches and that alone just knowing that ok I'm not making this up helped and then I seen a part about using a white noise machine so I turned a fan on a low setting so it wasn't loud while I got ready for work and it stopped the horrible high ringing and I was able to make sense of how clothes worked and what I needed to wear out of the house to go to work. And that is my experience.

[@mermaidadria]

12:19 If you think the feeling of being watched and needing to “act normal” as an autistic person is bad, imagine being an undiagnosed masked autistic kid being raised as a weird fusion of Mormon and Pentecostal. Multiple generations of ancestors as well as the spirits of my unborn children were canonically watching me, as well as god, jesus, the angels, and the demons, principalities, powers, etc who were responsible for all the “bad” thoughts in my head (such as “I wish I was a girl”). It’s madness-inducing stuff. But people still tell me “you don’t seem that autistic” and “religious trauma isn’t real”. 🥲

[@CourtneyLiterally]

I'm so sorry you had to experience all that. I always struggle when people tell say things like "if you think you had it bad..." and then give an example of something that doesn't actually relate to me. All of our experiences are valid in that they are *our* experiences. They will all be different and we will all struggle in our own way. What might seem bad to me might not seem bad to you, but our individual perspectives are what make the difference. 💖

[@auddysaur]

Thank you! This was helpful. I’ve been having a hard time with imposter syndrome because I feel like I have a hard time relating to some of the autism content out there. I feel like a lot of my symptoms and reactions to stimuli are so subtle that I have a hard time recognizing them in the moment and thus I don’t really know where I am slipping up socially or what exactly I find overstimulating. Being unable to name those things makes the imposter syndrome a constant battle, especially since I communicate pretty well and thus don’t seem “that autistic” on the outside.

[@MicheleZaylaMusic]

I definitely relate to this, and have found just how much I need to name things. Even if I think I already have some "sense" of what something is, when I verbalize it, even just privately like, "i'm mad i'm mad", it does this 'other' thing. It gives relief. All my life I felt so drawn to needing things acknowledged that seemed obvious and happening right in front of people that it felt like they were able to ignore. One thing that helped too was even when I didn't have a name for something, I could maybe just make a sound that represented it and do that for a second. or an abstract word or a movement or something. I feel that same thing where I can't pinpoint what exactly is overstimulating, and then I might just say "i'm overstimulated" and that can help some.

[@brandondanger53]

Thank you again for making these videos and for your honesty. I was diagnosed 1 month ago and can already say it has saved my life. Even acknowledging that, I still walk around thinking "Im just making this all up". Its comforting to know that we are all a community with shared experiences. 🤘

[@PrincessTessaFabulousLife]

I am so grateful that I got diagnosed, because before when I would feel a certain way not knowing why and it’s been helpful to look it up and getting the answers to my questions and from watching your channel and some other channels it as helped to get the answers I need 👸🤗💖🎄 it feels great to finally be apart of a community and really feel as if I belong

[@ruthcarter2761]

The whole point of the process is figuring out what we need and how we can make our lives going fwd easier - exactly!! That's the part of this video I'd share with anyone who doesn't understand why. Many people I talk with about this prefer to avoid labels, but in this case, it gives me language I've been lacking and community to ask when I need another tool/strategy. And it makes me feel less alone.

[@waponswa]

I found this video so relatable and delivered in the style that was genuine and authentic and that was very empowering so thank you. As a late in life identified person, I remember one day driving down the road saying to myself, “I don’t feel very autistic today.” and I had to stop myself and realize that I have 50+ years of crafting a lifestyle that supports me and what I need and that I’m so used to it, that I forget it’s going on behind the scenes all the time. I forget that I have this immense scaffolding of coping skills and I think when we are fortunate enough to spend a lot of time working/living within our own coping mechanisms, sometimes we forget that we can be greatly adverse to the world around us.

[@MikeJones-dt1mo]

I can relate to the Imposter Syndrome feeling. Thank you for sharing. I’ve been thinking about it, and I feel this due to things friends have said to me when I said I think I’m Autistic (pre diagnosis). I think imposter syndrome may occur for other autistic people BECAUSE of what other people say, on the general subject of autism, but also in response to us sharing we are autistic. Personally, my imposter syndrome comes directly from what other people have said to me. That is one of the reasons I chose to have a formal assessment- to prove them wrong in my head. It was very validating. So sad that other people can make us feel this way.

[@MamaOwlbear]

7:45 I wish it was easier to get evaluated. 30F, have been the black sheep all my life and I don't know how to function outside my own quiet space.

[@jazstackhouse985]

I really don’t understand how another random person who doesn’t even know you personally, in real life, or maybe they do, can tell you that you don’t have a certain diagnosis. You’ve went through the testing, no matter the age and we’re diagnosed. It doesn’t matter how you chose to present yourself to the world- that’s your diagnosis. Who are any of us to try to tell someone that their diagnosis is fake or not enough. That’s just so beyond insane to me. Coming from a person that has multiple illnesses that I mask daily and unless you lived with me or somehow had a camera on me all day- you probably would have no idea how bad it really was. Because in public- I go through the dance of trying to appear normal and on days when I can’t live up to the appearance- I stay/work at home.!

[@thechaostrials1964]

Thank you for making this. I struggle as a late-diagnosed ASD/ADHD person. I would love to start a discussion of why imposters syndrome (IS) is so prevalent ASD and ADHD people? Is it the late diagnosis? Self diagnosis? People with other disease like diabetes and cancer don't , I imagine, struggle with IS. Happy stimming. I LOVE THAT!!

[@CourtneyLiterally]

LOVE this idea! I'm going to add this to the list for sure!

[@JonBrase]

I think part of the reason we have impostor syndrome about autism is that we tend to have impostor syndrome about *everything*.

[@mariagusman6949]

Also yes I struggle with imposter syndrome as well, even though I’m diagnosed. It’s helpful to hear you deal with it too.

[@Randomiz500]

I like that you just talk, instead of all the rehearsals that most videos are. It relaxes me, even when you get excited 😝

[@CourtneyLiterally]

That means so much to me! I really want to keep things relaxed and natural. Just like two friends hanging out and chatting. 🥰

[@zebranothorse-EmJ]

Thank you so much for what you said in this video.... 'not feeling autistic enough' some days, so relatable and imposter syndrome is so much more present some days.

[@mikkelkristensen2524]

Hi, officially diagnosed at 50. I can really relate but I'm so jealous of your language skills. If only I could have the ability to make myself understood, things would be a lot easier. I would give anything to be normal. Keep up the good work it is much appreciated. Regards from Norway.

[@trillian4242]

This video really hit me in an "I wish I didn't relate to this so much, but..." sort of way. I'm in my 50s and just going through the assessment process now, because although autism would explain so much for me, I need it confirmed outside of myself. Otherwise I can't seem to let myself have any of it... the right to feel community with others to whom I can relate, the right to accommodate my own comfort (even just within my own head or my own private life), without feeling like an imposter. I don't suppose a confirmed diagnosis will actually change that, but at least it will give me a concrete place to start on changing it. Or so I hope. Anyway, thanks for your videos. :)

[@MicheleZaylaMusic]

This one really hit me and resonated. A big aspect to the flip flopping for me is the idea that a label of Autism was made- an umbrella with a bunch of traits revolving around high sensitivity, and what seems to me, naturally perceptive to certain things that are inconvenient to the society we live in, or shunned or dismissed. So much of culture/norms are built around this categorizing- a lot of it for commerce in some way, or control. So much in our culture and upbringing seems to normalize dissociation and turning one's senses off, which I feel many autistics/I just CANNOT do. And that to me, actually seems totally healthy, sane, natural and quite important for any species at all. It makes sense that it would cause pain and suffering to try to shut that off, and also not be believed for it. I heard someone mention that autistics are like canaries in a coal mine, revealing the dysfunction of the psychology of society, etc. So there's a part of me that keeps flip flopping- videos like these are SO relieving, with so much resonance, and this WHOLE comment section is the same. I'm crying reading it. So all leads me to think, duh, I'm autistic. And then also- isn't this Autism label just made up by people who are NOT these type of perceivers and want to box it in as some sort of disorder, and it's not really actually true? It's just healthy one of a kind people? Is it just a convenient/helpful way to be able to box in people who can't 'get with the program'? Or at least, can't get with it in the way it is without accommodations. Like the way it's just easier to say you are vegan practically socially, even if it's not for ethical reasons, and you just feel shitty eating things that aren't fruits and vegetables. A shorthand that is energy efficient. I'm not asking this in a mad way, I'm asking genuinely, as this is what I seem to go back and forth about, and which refrains me from being able to fully 'hold' or 'own' this label. even maybe if I actually had the money and could get an official diagnosis, would I even believe it, or just believe they were just trained in how to spot and label "pathology" using their medical school filter? Some have told me also the fact that I am thinking this way and analyzing it this detailed already might be a big sign. Also appreciate you mentioning that idea of always feeling watched. I hadn't heard it connected before and read a bit that Externally oriented thinking like that can be a combo of masking and trauma caused by said mask. THANK YOU SO MUCH COURTNEY, and that you to all of you commenting here.

[@MDiL22]

I needed this video. The feeling like im always being watched is so real. Like im always being judged for every little action. Its suffocating

[@rahyrarpg1600]

Just another comment to say Oh Courtney, I relate so damn much to almost everything you said! Even if I had nothing to say, I'd be posting this for the algorithm. Thank you so much for your wonderful video I sometimes find myself at home thinking to myself that I've done 2 or 3 days without being overstimluated. I think to myself...maybe I'm not actually autistic? Did I somehow managed to deceive the clinical psychologist and just fooled everyone (even myself that I am?!). Then I realise: I just work from home, coding away with minimal meetings. I avoid going to the supermarket like the plague. I have stim toys littered around the office where I spend 90% of my work and hobby time. Maybe I'm just... accomodating myself? This is something I need to tell myself. I AM autistic even if I don't "feel" like it every moment. On the "you're not autistic" thing. I don't understand why people comment on edited/curated content and make entire assumptions about your entire self as a person. Do they not see a sense of irony that they make black/white conclusions about an autistic person that they condlude, are infact, not autistic. Do you find any these people are usually Allistic also? I find it so strange when people gatekeep a thing they aren't even a part of themselves. I genuinely don't understand that.

[@ms8studios157]

One of the things i wanted to mention on your last autist video was how we as autistic individuals take any criticism even helpful constructive criticism as an attack on ourselves per se. Even knowing this when i get talked to at work told how to improve etc i always get hyperfocused on it and fixate on it, and it does create a negative feedback loop where you start to think you arent good enough or that you arent living up to their standards, even if its positive criticism. We always take it personl even if it isnt inended that way. Not to mention when people fuss or yell at us or whatever even if it doesnt mean anything to them and they wont remember it next week we will and it will hurt us despite it not even being personal most of the time. Idk just something to think about and maybe touch on in a future vid. As always, support and love from a fellow late-diagnosed autist!

[@TheDREAD666]

Just a few days back, I had the conversation about my self-realization of being autistic. The other person (wife of my colleague) brushed it off and told me that I am not, because everything I do is normal. That quite hurt and fueled the imposter in me to some degree. Funny thing though: her husband, whom she is married to for 40 years, has several autistic traits. That is the whole reason why we work so good together, as we think alike and, most importantly, both like and dislike certain things. So, to her my traits seem to be normal, because her husband is likely autistic, too. Another thing, I was in therapy for a burn-out, that's when my journey of self-discovery began. When I reached the point that I wanted to look into a diagnosis, my therapist asked me the valid question "even if you are autistic, does it really change anything and do you really need the diagnosis". Back then, I actually came to the conclusion that I can live without the diagnosis. Nowadays, I hate that I did not pursue it, as my traits caused some conflicts at my work that could have been, well, not avoided, but at least I could have given them an easy-to-understand explanation via the diagnosis. Also, since I now know of masking, I see myself unmasking somewhat without actively trying to. So now, I try to find a therapist for the diagnosis, always in fear of hearing from them "you are not autistic"

[@h45566]

The eye of the storm analogy is so relatable. Usually when I'm not accommodating my sensory issues it's dissociation because ive pushed myself too far and I implode shortly after 😅. I'm starting to learn to accommodate my sensory issues as best I can regardless of how I think I feel. It's annoying and frustrating to have to do all though.

[@nayaleezy]

It would be neat if a biological marker was detectable that literally measured your "levels of autism" in the relevant areas of the brain. I also got a diagnosis from a professional assessor because it was even a struggle to convince my own self that I didn't "just relate" with the struggles.

[@MotMovie]

I found this to be one of the most level headed and useful breakdown of things related to autism and mental illness in general. I think diagnostic thinking is important, so that you even know what to look for, find tools, find people and ideas, just like you said. But I really think it is about learning what tools and coping mechanisms work for you, again, just like you said. Nobody can give you 100% diagnosis or be absolutely certain of what that thing that bothers you is (though probably it is the thing you think). Science for many of us is not exactly exact. Cool thing is that it doesn't have to be. Does it matter if some stuff meant to cope with autism work for you while some stuff meant for bipolar or Adhd work for you also? It can be that even things meant for condition that you have received a wrong diagnosis that work. Diagnosis are really symptom groupings and generalizations, almost like roadsigns describing that "in that direction - sort of mountains". Or I could say that Mental and Neurological field is like weird quantum physics game where it is possible to exist in Paris and Rome at the same time, while simultaneously being between Cairo and Athens and every now and then briefly existing in Antarctica too. Brain connects to itself in weird weird ways, and you mix that up with social learning and you have gazillion change points that make your condition unique. And again, Im not saying diagnosis or labels are pointless, just trying to convey that we should not think of them as such absolutes that it starts limiting our creative thinking.

[@Magus_Union]

0:56 - I REALLY take issue with his criticism. I know for the fact that if I was not with my wife (who I started dating in 2014), I would not be alive now. I tried to 'unalive' myself ever since I was 8 years old due to the toxic childhood I had with my parent's divorce. I know their are timelines where I don't exist, and never knew I was on the spectrum because I would have given up on life before then. The love my wife gives me has literally saved my life. And I'm always thankful for her compassion and acceptance. The biggest reason why we have such short life spans is due to how common it is people end their lives due to the massive rejection from society. The 'crime of being different' is perpetuated by the intersectionally privileged. It is such a damn shame that we STILL have to fight for acceptance from the world just for the right to exist.

[@larissaholland5196]

I found you through mermaid content, but follow this channel as well since I do genuinely care and am interested in you as a person. I am not autistic, but do want to understand and be able to recognize and help those who are ❤

[@CourtneyLiterally]

That’s so kind of you! I’m happy to have you here! ❤️

[@RI0Tkitty]

Yep, what I’m realizing is that if I look at my world through an “autistic lens” then it gives me permission to not push myself to the brink. It allows me to accept help and accommodations, something I’ve always struggled with until now (mostly lol still working on it). It explains why I react certain ways or feel things so intensely when everyone says I’m just being “too sensitive”. I am loving your new channel so far and I really like your short form stuff as well! I love little snippets of “I do this, do you?” or “This is how I deal with this.” Like you said, it’s awesome for everyone to be able to connect and share experiences and advice 😻

[@luizachaves5814]

thank you so much for this video. i was diagnosed earlier this year at age 30 and since then i often question myself if i’m really autistic or if i tricked the doctors into diagnosing me (i know, it doesn’t make sense). also, i’ve been trying to put into words how my life has changed since being diagnosed - so much of what you said resonated with me that i had to take out a notepad. something i really struggle with is knowing whether or not to tell people - i saw you have a video about that and i’ll check it out!! really, thank you. it feels great knowing i’m not alone.

[@grooviechickie]

I'd like to know if anyone else is sensitive to changes in temperature? I become irritated, irrational almost, and my autistic traits come out as my rather brilliant mask (!!!) falls away when the weather gets too hot and I become overheated. This is one of the times when I know I'm autistic and my imposter syndrome disappears. 😂 It's one of the reasons I live in a cold climate in Australia, even though being too cold can trigger the removal of the mask. (I can always get warm somehow, though, so I prefer the cold). As an aside, it's the first video of yours that I've watched and I've subscribed. ❤ thanks. I too have that feeling that someone is watching me nearly all the time! 😮

[@TheCzarRaven]

Guilty as charged. One of my triggers is when people leave doors open in the cold long enough for the temperature in a room to drop. Within ten seconds I'm mentally screaming and ready to pitch a fit in a way that is not even close to rational.

[@Sparkofyourheart]

10 minutes in the wind and the headache comes. Ok ok, I can wear a hat that will cover my ears and such. It will postpone headache for another 10 minutes, wonderful 😂 And I have weird temperature control of my body in general so it's totally normal to have 2 pairs of socks of different thickness and still feel uneasy there but sweating on torso because my heart decided to boast how fast it can beat. I.am.not.hot, I scream to it in these moments in my head. To no avail, of course 😅

[@SmackedyDoo]

I actually just posted a comment having something to do with this subject on your other video stating that I have an ASD assessment next week and have been literally looking up "how to convince my neuropsychologist I am NOT autistic". I'm terrified to be diagnosed with ASD because it means that all of these fucking struggles I've been dealing with for 5 decades stem from permanent fixtures in my brain and that there will be no way to fix myself. I'll be permanently and "officially" broken. Also, what if they get it wrong? What if they just made a fucking mistake? What if they didn't get enough information to adequately correctly assess me and they diagnose me with something that isn't true because they didn't have all of the information? I have a few hours or minutes every few days/weeks where I think, "This idea of me possibily having ASD must be all wrong. See, i can function just fine." without wanting to admit that it's just these blips of functionality within a mostly dysfunctional life. I've been on a waiting list for several months but I even considered cancelling the assessment because I told myset that I was being ridiculous for needing to be assessed.

[@CourtneyLiterally]

This is painfully relatable. A big part of the struggle that I’ve been dealing with since my diagnosis is that it feels like all my hope is gone. I used to always have this hope that one day I would get better, that one day I would grow out of it and having a professional tell you that it’s just how your brain works is pretty devastating. It took me a long time to figure out that that was in part why I was so upset. I’m sending you strength and love to get through it. If you feel comfortable sharing how it goes when it happens, I would like to know. ❤️‍🩹

[@j-ivey]

"Icepick in my brain"--I often say that it feels like things are stabbing my brain. I know that others don't understand the distress of that feeling. As a person who was diagnosed with Autism and OCD this year, I appreciate your videos!

[@MicheleZaylaMusic]

Me too! Like "this smell is SO Loud I can't take in what you are saying."

[@j-ivey]

@@MicheleZaylaMusic Yeah, like that's all I can notice. For me it's usually sounds or sights.

[@TheHeroicHunter]

As an undiagnosed person who believes they have autism, I don’t understand when people will say to me “you would’ve been diagnosed as a child if you were actually autistic” or “well you don’t look autistic” as if autism has a “look” to it. I definitely have a mental battle with imposter syndrome, I have a lot of days where I feel like I don’t show enough symptoms of autism or like it’s not crippling my life. It’s so tough! Thank you for your videos!

[@Potatoskins5680]

Hi, I wanted to thank you for this video. I got diagnosed a few months ago and I’ve been struggling with imposter syndrome. I started going to college this year (finishing up my first semester : D ) and it’s been quite an experience lol. Sometimes I feel guilty for using school accommodations or for wearing headphones 24/7 but I really need it. I can’t afford to pretend anymore. Also, the part about constantly feeling watched really resonates with me- I can’t go outside without feeling like I’m being watched by a neighbor or some passerby. It’s painful for me. I feel like I’m being judged. I feel a lot of pressure to act ‘like a normal human’ even when I’m trying to mind my own business. I also get that feeling when I’m alone in my room. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure of what causes that feeling, but I’d like to learn from other autistic people. Also, I felt a sense of relief when you mentioned it in your video because it shows that I’m not the only person that feels this way. Your video made me feel a lot less alone. I’d like to thank you once more for uploading this because this really means a lot to me!!!

[@CourtneyLiterally]

It means so much to know my videos have helped you! I'm really glad to have you here! 💖 Sending love and strength your way!

[@poultrytruffle]

Sheesh what timing, just got done with a meltdown over this and here this video is. Happy to listen EDIT: I have the issue where I feel like I'm being watched :( It's very hard to deal with. I have only one safe space in my whole world, one tiny hallway where my brain has decided there's no way for someone to be watching me there. Logically I know better, and even if I don't at times I know there are ways to find if there are hidden ways that I'm being spied on. But it's incredibly tiring and I can never fully unmask even alone. Being autistic is hard. YT comment rant over lol

[@laura5425]

My main issue triggering imposter syndrome is the huge overlap of ADHD symptoms that are somehow equivalent. Social hangover, hyper sensitivity, hyper empathy, problems with processing emotions and information, over compensation and exhaustion, feeling misunderstood/rejected or treated unfair. All of these are apparently part of internalised AD(H)D as well. Just learning this bit by bit as I am on my way to diagnosis. And since the monotropism and inertia topic was a trait that was noticed through my childhood, everything could be explained by ADHD. But what about my strong need for sameness or routine? My aversion of too much dopamine? This boring little hermite character trait that got ignored and led to burnout? Not sure what this all is, but could also be just "some autistic traits"... Yeah, it's difficult navigating neurodiverse territorries and finding the correct labels. Especially since most autism tips work better for me...

[@gregrogers5038]

I love your videos girl. The one where you talked about finding the right instruction manual, that's exactly where I am now. 😊

[@chrisanthony6933]

Thanks for being you and making this vid. Very relatable! Nice seeing a content creator just being real!!!! Me: 54m diagnosed 5mths ago. AuDHDer. I live in a small town in Australia, isolated, no supports trying to figure it all out on my own. I’m glad you popped up in my feed.

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Thank you so much for your kind words! It means a lot to me! 🥰

[@daisiesandsunflowers5587]

Oh yes, imposter syndrome is very real! Im not yet a year from my diagnosis, and I would have to say that learning who I really am and what actually causes me distress is taking a lot of effort! Like scents! Huge meltdown trigger! And other people, like in a crowd, and lots of talking, like at a family dinner...wow! I've been forcing myself to just endure my whole life! But I sort of forget and then a few days later, after a big performance (I sing) I'm back to crying for three days while I try to recover... Happy stimming, though I'm still learning to allow myself to do this while trying not to be perceived, or difficult, sigh!

[@sarar5787]

Thanks for posting and creating this channel!

[@CourtneyLiterally]

You're so welcome! Thank YOU for being here and for commenting! I really appreciate it! 💖

[@mariagusman6949]

I’m in Coquitlam. The construction is ridiculous! My back yard is right next to the main road that they’re replacing all the waterlines on and it’s non stop noise all day. I’m autistic and dealing with sound sensitivity from it. So I feel you Courtney.

[@ashevillemilkyway3635]

I so appreciate you Courtney!! Making space for myself to be me💗

[@billygoodin6194]

Self discovered and hoping to get assessed soon, definitely can relate to what your saying ❤

[@joethecounselor]

So I've been obsessing over whether I'm autistic or not (I'm a therapist) over the past several months (edit: OK maybe a few years or more? Kind of always knew?), never medically diagnosed, and looking at this video, it seems immediate to me that people that snap off with "You're not autistic" haven't put in ONE WIT of the effort you have to figure this out. Don't listen to them. It's your OWN search on this that figures this out. Re: Communication abilities: so often the cliche autism bits are so hidden by ADHD 'extroversion' and our ability to use intelligent adaptation to adjust for the perceived expectations of others. AuDHD final edit, because I commented too early: YES you're HELPING! Thanks for being a helpful person. Happy stimming!

[@quarkonia_autismus_adhs]

I am officially diagnosed for about a year now and my Imposter syndrome is still there from time to time! But it gets better ❤

[@lisbethchristensen1981]

🏆 Great Video ❤️ Thank You Courtney, for letting us know that it's okay to let you know that your videos actually help us out. Because they sure do for me. I think it's only fair to introduce myself. Hi, I'm Lis, from Norway Europe. Listening to your experiences, makes me feel like I'm not alone, and that there are so many of us that struggle with daily things, as you mention. I also struggle with sensory overload, especially with sounds neurotypical people can't hear. I can even hear the electrical wires in the walls. It's very intense, especially on those days where I'm extra overwhelmed, then it's complete torture with sounds. I also have tinnitus, so that's super fun. (Just kidding) It's actually horrible. Sometimes I can even hear my own pulse in my ears. It's terrible. But apparently there is nothing anyone can do about it. Although I wish there was. I normally don't comment much more than, great video, thank you. But since you welcomed it, I thought it was safe to comment here. So thank you, for creating a safe community for us autistics, and for sharing your experiences. It's really important to all of us. I hope you're doing okay, and that you are taking good care of yourself. We need you. Warm holiday greetings from Norway Europe. ❤

[@ravenstormcloud678]

😃

[@eileenjohnston6835]

Thank you so much! Some of my unique habits are superpowers, but there are struggles that come with these hits.

[@CourtneyLiterally]

I used to think of some of my abilities as "superpowers" until I burnt out and realized the true cost too. I'm glad you are enjoying my content! 💖

[@donnellallan]

Well. You continue to be wonderful! Thank you! 🩷

[@CourtneyLiterally]

You're very welcome! Thank you so much for being here and for commenting!

[@donnellallan]

@CourtneyLiterally 🥰

[@IsidorTheNordicGuy]

My biggest problem is that I am labeled level 1 but my needs for support says I’m level 2 and the reason is that I am masking like crazy and can’t switch it off even in front of “safe” people like my psychologist so I struggle to get my needs met. Anyway, thanks for this vid. Watching it is like safe food to me 😊

[@corochan4682]

Hey, same name, both late diagnosed autistic and both have OCD. Imposter syndrome has been really difficult to get over. I had it when I was diagnosed with PTSD too and when I was applying to be on disability but some reason the autism has been the hardest one to get over. Memory issues dont help since I can't remember enough about my day to day to reassure myself. Im always worried that I'm exaggerating somehow. My partner does a good job at helping me sort through my thoughts and anxieties when that happens but I just wish I didnt always feel like a fake. Since I got diagnosed a year ago and he's learned a lot along side me, he's never doubted me being autisic even once. I wish I could see myself clear enough to have that same confidence.

[@sketchpup5718]

I have an autism (and adhd diagnosis) but I got the diagnosis online and I didn't realise before going into it, but it was less thorough than the ones I often see people talk about online. It really fuels my imposter syndrome because I feel like my diagnosis is not as "real". I'm also diagnosed as having Level 1 autism and I do notice that compared to other people I don't struggle with the same issues to as high of a degree which *also* fuels my imposter syndrome. Sometimes I wonder if I don't actually have autism and just have adhd (because I resonate with having adhd more) but funnily enough all the people in my life seem to think my autism is more prominent - maybe it's the difference between internal and external observations? There are definitely times where I don't feel as much imposter syndrome and am more secure in my autistic identity but I'd say 75-80% of time time I feel crippling imposter syndrome haha :') It doesn't really help that the diagnosis report I received appeared to focus more on my adhd, but to be fair I literally had one (T_T) appointment online and took 15 quizzes that they gave me so that might've been influenced by masking (but I've always had a weird relationship with the idea of masking. How do I know if I'm masking???) but then again they did still give me a autism diagnosis too. Who knows. I really wish that my diagnosis was more thorough but it was the cheapest and most efficient method for me. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk jkjk

[@bbq_baggins9209]

I find that when I try not to be as 'difficult' I actually suffer more, and end up being more 'difficult' as a result. My partners ex recently said to me that my (non aggressive) meltdowns aren't fair on my stepdaughter and it really hit me. But the more I try to not be a burden, the more of a burden I become because the inevitable meltdown is more intense than maybe it would've been had I accommodated myself and let myself be mildly 'difficult' Self diagnosed, on expedited list for assessment due to poor mental health. Watched this video because imposter syndrome has hit hard this morning! So thankyou

[@LesleyFlood]

I absolutely relate to that, not accomodating my own needs because I feel I should not 'create a problem' and thinking, 'I will just get through this and then I can relax and do what I need to do when I am at home'. Then become totally exhausted and overwhelmed and shouting, possibly swearing and dramatically bursting into tears (not like I usually am or want to be at all) if I can't get away from the situation which creates far more upset and disruption, really putting a dampner on whatever the situation is for everyone else.

[@shashuwells500]

Don't know where to start but yeah, I can relate. The OCD part, went on a mind rant about my kitchen and how it causes so much discomfort. When I finally get it together, I literally may tell everyone to stay out and not touch a thing. I CANNOT deal with an unorganized kitchen. Plus the sounds. I can tune things out and at the same time, hear things that others cannot. What makes this most difficult is the fact that my therapist thinks there's no way I can be autistic. Add to it the constant push to say I am depressed. Ugh. So frustrated right now.

[@cowsonzambonis6]

I really like your videos/shorts, and all the in-video tangents too 😂❤ I feel so seen (and not in the neighbor peeking in way 😂). So, if getting an official diagnosis doesn’t stop imposter syndrome, is it still worth it? I’m 40, and have been self-diagnosed for 1.5 years. I’m doing all the research etc, but haven’t decided to get a formal diagnosis. Yet, at least. It feels like a lot of work to possibly have someone say that I’m wrong (when I KNOW I’m right). Not sure I want to risk that/spend money for that.

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Ooo! This is a good topic for a video! If you don't mind waiting, I'm going to put something together on this subject! 💖 Thank you!!

[@cowsonzambonis6]

@ totally cool! Thanks! 😁

[@crickkin]

It has been just a few months since I got diagnosed, and I feel this impostor syndrome a lot thinking things like "what if I somehow accidentally manipulated the tests?" and I know this is a ridiculous but I can't help it. And there are the days when I'm struggling with executive function and sensory issues and I think "yeah, the diagnosis is right" 😂

[@kkuudandere]

Sometimes I wonder that, too. But then I remember that I purposely tried to complete my assessment with more conservative answers, in case I was somehow "exaggerating". If I wanted my assessment to show that I wasn't even close to autistic, I would have had to either sleep through the whole thing or literally lie on EVERY question 😅 And I don't think many neurotypical people could convincingly fake their way through the whole thing either...

[@SarahRagan]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience.Your video helped give me the courage to get assessed.

[@flapdrol]

Here are another few paragraphs for you.. Hopefully not annoying to you, maybe you recognize some stuff. Just sharing my experience with getting diagnosed earlier this year and why it is difficult for me to accept. I got diagnosed with PDD-NOS this year - I am now 35 - they did so 'covertly' in regular therapy talks.. Did not inform me with the diagnosis until I read the final report after quitting the group therapy for personality disorders they put me in (which was overwhelming, I didn't feel I was given the help I needed, like they didn't understand me, it made things worse for me). Of course that was triggering as well, finding out they labelled me without telling me or giving me the help for it. Only after leaving therapy I came to learn that PDD-NOS is part of ASD and after reading into it, it makes SO MUCH SENSE. But like yourself, I'll probably always feel like I don't fully fit the label - and other people will also have trouble recognizing and accepting it. They had been talking with me about making an assessment for ASD, they seemed to recognize some stuff but it just didn't seem to me like I would fit that label so I was ignoring it. I had some stereotypical ideas about ASD, and a distorted view of myself. I really couldn't identify with it, and I had found my life to be full of challenges that would explain my difficulties without having to even think about autism! I had been looking for answers in my trauma, personality disorder, attachment style, upbringing, ADD, burn-out, social isolation, depression and addiction. I was thinking I was bipolar, I was even thinking I was being self-destructive, like my entire life I had subconsciously been punishing myself, self-sabotaging.. Blaming myself! Now beginning to think that most of these are symptoms of dealing with PDD-NOS (as well as my family's undiagnosed ASD). Have learnt there is no typical ASD, and that I do exhibit a lot of ASD traits and behavior. It makes sense. Now in the process of getting back in therapy to get help and learn more about myself, to accept myself for who I am and to learn to live with myself in a more productive and healthy way - and that I don't need to 'fix' something that 'has gone wrong somewhere'. It does seem like a really big task to take this on, it is kind of intimidating I have to admit. Good luck with this new channel!

[@LG22Btv]

Being someone who has started the self-realization of being autistic at 30 has been a bit of a challenge. Especially since I am able to work, there are days when i feel as if I'm actual just normal and lying to myself. Normally, I work the front cashier spot, taking orders with the biggest hint of me not being normal, which is little to no eye contact with customers. Then I get home (which is still with my parents, nothing wrong with that), and most days pass out from mental exhaustion. Slowly, I am allowing myself to have moments, even if just in my room, to feel free

[@saranavarro1880]

One of the single most effective things I have done in my journey is to treat CPTSD. It helps heal and calm your nervous system to a point where sensitivity is reduced and your executive functions improved.

[@kellyschroeder7437]

Relate. Dx 58F. Now 60. Kinda told my siblings ( no good response. Think they still expect me to be allistic “ normal” good ole “ baby” sister. Cannot believe I’ve been masking since in womb ( at least that’s my deep feeling ). 💞💙🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💙💞

[@daniellavanwallinga7891]

I can relate so much, I have to kids that is on the spectrum, and i know I’m on the spectrum too, I can sit outside in the sun and a motorcycle drive by and it’s so loud that I starting to cry😂 and then I must go inside again.

[@ruthcarter2761]

That bit about feeling like I'm being watched all the time - I didn't know that was an autistic thing - I have that fear a lot. I wonder how much of that is b/c I mask so much in public and fear that my mask "slipped"? Or is it more to do with how I've always been a perfectionist so I expect others to be as critical of me/my actions as I am (but they haven't been). Thx for mentioning that!

[@thecamlayton]

One challenge I've had self-diagnosing is that I don't have severe sensory issues. (I don't mean to brag lol) Sensory issues are not a necessary requirement in the DSM 5 but the ASD community, such that I'm exposed to it online, doesn't seem to talk about this fact much. I think I might have hypo-sensitivity. I don't get cold like most people seem to outside in the winter. I don't notice right away when I injure myself sometimes (paper cuts, bruises, that sort of thing). I think maybe more awareness of the variety of sensory issues (both increased and decreased sensitivity) would be helpful.

[@CourtneyLiterally]

It's just my opinion, but I feel like being hypo-sensitive totally counts as a sensory issue. I experience something similar and I feel like sensory issues are as much a spectrum as the rest of it. I have Autistic friends who aren't bothered by things that bother me intensely and it's definitely something we talk about. If I was going to make a video on this (which I would like to) do you have anything specific you would like me to touch on outside of what you've already mentioned here? (Thank you so much by the way!)

[@thecamlayton]

@@CourtneyLiterallyI think that's the first time I've expressed my experience outwardly like that. I don't think I have anything more to add at the moment. Maybe that's enough for now. You don't want the information firehose! And you're welcome. I'll be around.

[@neurodiversityalumni]

I love your video! You hit the nail on the head! I subscribed because you truly understand my brain. Thank you!

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Thank you so much for subscribing! I’m happy to have to have you here!

[@beatboxbill]

I have been coming to the realization that I am most likely autistic, but I have been hesitant to place myself under a label for the sake of practical accuracy. I can see why there is resistance in making it a "trend" as that comes off as more of a tribal reason rather than a scientific one. But the science is very compelling, and from what I've researched and what I know about myself, there are aspects about it that seem so fitting to my life. But I am always skeptical about what I read online. I am seeking a professional diagnosis, but my bottom line is to really find out the reasons behind my personal struggles in life. I have gone through insane periods of depression, and I have always felt so left behind when it comes to social norms. I was diagnosed with social anxiety, but I came to the realization that I may just be socially inept. Oddly enough, I recently found out in a talk with my mother that my teachers in grade school wanted me tested for autism in the 90's, and she refused. I find that pretty revealing. I just want to learn how to live my life without feeling triggered by it. I am learning a lot of this on my own, but I realized that I have a power to learn things, it's just that I struggle to control what I hyperfixate on. I have found that meditation helps me to redirect my hyperfixation on negative stressful things back to my special interests.

[@NelielSugiura]

Yeah, I think that is a lot of it. So long as I am in my controlled environment and feel that sense of "normal" without the plethora of issues like when I go out, I begin to wonder. But then I talk to others, or get stuck into a special interest, or go outside... and instantly am reassured that, yep, still autistic.

[@Judymontel]

I'm most likely NOT autistic but with ADHD and an interestingly neurospicy family. I get very anry with anyone - ANYONE - who denies someone else's experience. People get to speak for themselves. Others do NOT get to speak for them, tell them that their experience of the world "isn't" - what is this "isn't"? What is this "hello, I'm a random person who likes to comment on other peoples' lives unkindly with no expertise whatsoever in the field and certainly (because of being someone else) not qualified to pronounce on someone else's experience!!! I'm sorry. I'm very sorry there are rude people around the globe being mean to others because they run across them in real life or on the internet. Being rude, being mean is just that. And for an autistic person who, as Courtney you describe, for whom even the sound of the appliance motor humming, the water dripping, causes a physiological reaction, just imagining how painful out and out rudeness is causes my mind to boggle. NOT OK. I have to accomodate my own stuff, and it can be tricky and is always a work in progress, so I know a bit (but not as much) what you're talking about. I send you hugs and strength and wish the strength were not so needed...

[@stphilosophies1]

I understood that 'strange' sentence before you finished it 😊

[@REZZA2020]

Can you please tell me more on what you experience with the constuction- For myself the sound goes straight through my body to point of being painful.

[@PamKing-e9p]

I’m 55 years old while researching trying help my daughter I realized wait I’m autistic but I will probably never get an officially diagnosed. I took my daughter when she was 5 be tested and after a 30 minute visit they diagnosed with ADHD to be far that 17 years ago. The meds didn’t work and she struggled. But she has excelled and in her special interest of working in EMS but the stress is really hard on her. So I am trying convince her get diagnosed because she is pregnant and there is a strong possibility her baby will be also. But I’m sure what all that has to do with what you were talking other than I have those feeling about I have no right to say I’m autistic because I don’t have a formal diagnosis. And I don’t want my daughter or her baby to feel like they have to spend their whole life trying to hide it or feeling guilty.

[@danielsoukup5734]

Imposter syndrome is real. And the official dx doesn’t make it go away. Taking the ear plugs out helps remind me why I got assessed in the first place 🤪

[@jamiebbooks]

I have days where I wish I could just not mask so much so people could see how autistic I am, so that when I am too tired to mask as effectively or when the mask is not enough, people around me already know I am autistic & are not thrown off by my less normative vibes. I see people often who are neurodivergent openly and people know and work with them just fine, but I need my masks, or I'd be too exhausted.

[@launacasey6513]

Not diagnosed yet, not sure if I'll ever be able to get assessed due to cost and long wait times (or if I want it). I've done research for over a year - it seems to be a common thing to suspect adhd first and then research more and go, "huh, I think asd also applies to me...". I'm not really sharing it with people in my life. I'm not interested in explaining. I know myself better, and at 42 I'm just making the accommodations I need. It's humbling to start asking for help! PMDD has also been putting me on a bad rollercoaster of emotions, and I'm about to start treatment for that. The more I try to accept my different neurotype, the more I have imposter syndrome. It's kind of a vicious cycle...