The Aftermath of My Autism Assessment

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Welcome o the new channel! Check out my Autism playlist here: kzbin.info/aero/PLIX7idEJTmcc8MpUWsXytOkOtdyxA3byL

[@PlantingDiversity]

I’m so grateful that I found your channel 🙏✨☺️ This month is my 12th month anniversary of my AuDHD diagnosis at 46. I absolutely resonate with things being harder post diagnosis as you become aware of the consequences of just smiling through discomfort to keep others comfortable and to fit in. I’ve been letting my mask drop more with my family and asking for more help to avoid getting too close to that cliff that you mentioned. It’s been an adjustment for all of us as I’m not good at asking for help and my family aren’t used to me asking for it ❤

[@OddClarity]

The first 12 months can be really hard. Almost reaching the two year mark on my end. Maybe we should have an annual ASD Anniversary? ☺️

[@scaredyfloof]

So excited for this channel! As someone whose whole identity was kind of wrapped up in Being Smart and Good At Things, it was so jarring to go through that whole post-realization of being autistic and just not being able to force myself to do things anymore. But with that realization also came this like immediate shift to being kinder to myself. I love myself so much more now even when I'm absolutely frustrated with my inability to do or handle things sometimes.

[@Roxas_Games]

As a past valedictorian, I feel this…

[@Broken_robot1986]

I legit feel like, how the hell did I even accomplish anything ever.

[@quarkonia_autismus_adhs]

@@Broken_robot1986Feel it!

[@joshmiller887]

“The blindfold came off and now I can see the cliff as I’m racing toward it.” That resonates with me.

[@TheMermaidSewist]

100% me too omg

[@KayleyNymph]

Having the suggestions after your video be very autism related makes me feel that your new channel is really going to help your autistic content reach it's target audience! Thanks for sharing, happy stimming is cute!

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Thank you so much Kayley! I'm really hoping so. I also went into my older Autism videos and added links bringing people to this new channel. I also added a card in my assessment video and a pinned comment since a lot of people have asked how I'm doing two years later. Hopefully this reaches those people! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment too. You've been such a wonderful and generous supporter of mine over the years and I really appreciate it more than you know. 💖

[@jeremyheilman4527]

@@CourtneyLiterallyyou’re doing absolutely great really really great! Thank you so much!

[@mermaidemberyyc6239]

The neurodivergent magnet thing is so true. Nothing beats me telling my bff about my autism diagnosis and she just replies, "oh yeah, I'm not surprised" 😂

[@CourtneyLiterally]

I love that too! 🥰

[@JonBrase]

My wild-ass-guess is that about 10-30% of my church is autistic (somewhere between roughly 3 and 10 times baseline), and the non-profit my parents retired from, a large number of whose members attend my church, is at least 50% autistic. Working in tech, most of my coworkers at recent jobs have very likely been autistic. The magnet effect is real.

[@sarahlogan2075]

I would suggest that we also may be magnates for people with trauma. I know I am.

[@Broken_robot1986]

@S.G.W.Verbeek 😂 no I'm not! I really can't come up with a better saying. Birds of a 🪶 maybe?

[@S.G.W.Verbeek]

@@Broken_robot1986 Good one👍

[@LionsMainMessages]

Hi Courtney, new subscriber and I’m really glad you made this channel! thank you for sharing this video. I’m a 54 year old woman and discovered I’m autistic last year after a lifetime of searching. Your story and all the others who share their stories have helped me so much. ❤ I relate to learning to accept support when I need it. I powered through all my life and the rest of my life is unknown, uncharted territory. I have come to realize that people who were unsupportive before will not be supportive now. Some days are so hard! Take good care of yourself! ❤

[@MicheleZaylaMusic]

"I have come to realize that people who were unsupportive before will not be supportive now." such a clear, helpful insight.

[@moonpearl4736]

I love these quotes: "Did you see that train of thought leave my head?" and "Hermit it up" Relatable. They made me laugh. But, seriously, wish you well with all those things going on in your life.

[@quarkonia_autismus_adhs]

It made me laugh too!

[@Bananaspie]

I relate so much to, "The thing that they don't tell you about finding out that you're autistic is that everything gets worse." Truth. Adjusting to a new way of life and reality is no joke. Knowing the answer to the question doesn't mean you suddenly have the solution to the problem. It has to be worked out, and it is not easy work. Also, not sure if I would be eating if it were not for my husband. Spent Thanksgiving with extended family for about 4 hours. Spent the whole next day sleeping it off. No, don't script. We all need to help each other find our normal and be okay with what that looks like, because there's actually nothing wrong with it. Yes, also have fibromyalgia and ovarian cysts that are lighting my entire pelvis on fire! Along with all of the internal emotional and cognitive turmoil, let's throw in some physical turmoil, too! Hello, inner roller coaster. It's practically an amusement park in here.

[@markday3145]

Courtney, I'm so sorry that life has thrown so much adversity your way lately. I can't even imagine getting hit with that much and being able to get out of bed, never mind creating awesome new mermaid tails, and starting a second KZbin channel. You're not crazy. You're struggling and raw. I see you and appreciate you. I'm 60. I'm self diagnosed, but I think I had something equivalent to receiving a formal diagnosis when I finally switched from "I'm almost certainly autistic" to "I'm autistic." Let's call it my "formal self-diagnosis." That was 1-2 years ago (silly me, I didn't make note of the date). It has seemed to get tougher since. I tried unmasking and asking for more accommodations from immediate family. I thought that was going to make things simpler and happier. But I got the "you've gotten a lot more autistic" comment, and complaints from those people that suddenly nothing they do seems good enough (because I was asking them to tweak the way they interact with me). I've started reading _Unmasking_Autism_ by Devon Price. One of the exercises in the book lead me to a realization. The best day of my life was the day my best friend went from a "normal" friend to a close friend. She was having a particularly bad day and reached out to me. She just wanted a friendly face. She finally revealed what was wrong, and I held her while she sobbed. She was vulnerable, and I'm so very grateful she took a chance on trusting me. We've been close friends ever since. Why did that day turn out so well? How have we held on to the friendship for 40 years (no other friendship comes even remotely close)? I realized that the situation was so far beyond anything I was prepared for, that my reactions weren't scripted, I wasn't masking, I was more authentic than ever before (or since). That success was *because* of my authentic, autistic self. So maybe autistic me isn't as bad as I've thought all these years.

[@Spiffy_Space_Dragon]

I am sorry these past two years have been so difficult. I wish all the best for you and your family.

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Thank you so much! I appreciate it! Sending good vibes your way too.

[@Belgaer]

You were actually a part of a pivotal shift in me that led to me getting an assessment. And, while it’s still very new/fresh for me, I’m actually reaching out to you to thank you. I didn’t really understand what about you caused me to see myself in you, because I probably don’t have much in common with you as a cis straight white man with no interest in Mermaids (…frogs and design though! 👌). But the things you were saying, and the way you were saying them resonated with something I’ve been shoving down inside me my whole life. I was diagnosed almost 2 weeks ago now. I don’t know if I’m happy or not, but I’ve found more peace than I think I’ve ever thought I could experience. I can’t recommend an assessment to anyone, because it’s a very personal choice, and I didn’t really see my own as a choice. I needed the assessment for me to be able to accommodate myself and take up space (still working on both of those things). That was never going to be possible without this, unfortunately. I have no idea what I’m going to do with the diagnosis. For the time being, it’s not on my medical record, and I’m not exactly sure if it’s safe for it to be the way things are going here in the States.

[@Belgaer]

Also, I want to mention that, while I’ve been subscribed to your mermaid channel for nearly 6 months now, I was just recommended this video on my home page, so the algorithm seems like it’s really pushing this out to people engaging with autistic content creators!

[@Okkal464]

There's no meds for it so what does an assessment do. Sometimes you just know and don't need to spend money randomly

[@p.voltage6081]

I'm a 50 year old who accidentally discovered I might be autistic this past summer, and not "just" traumatized. Your "Finding out I'm autistic" video was one of the first autism related videos I watched and it was such an eye opener, in so many ways. Thank you! My doctor really wanted to help me, but warned me that getting an assessment approved through the soscial system in my country was like winning the lottery... But I got approved and now waiting to get my assessment in the spring. First I was like; Yay! Then I was like, wait... What does that mean? Do they really believe I'm autistic?? How can I have gone through 50 years of life not having the slightest clue myself, besides always knowing I've been "different"? So yes, all this s***t is so exhausting. I love that you're honest and don't hide the ugly truth that it might even get worse after a diagnosis. I try to prepare myself. I love "Happy stimming" too! Keep that one. Such a great outro! 😂

[@monical.8360]

I hope you had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was good but crazy busy, I had planned on a quiet and peaceful day. 🙄 Courtney, I'm 61 and to my great shock, about 2 months ago, I discovered I'm autistic. And then a week later I found out I also have ADHD. 😮 These discoveries have been a huge blessing to me, they explain so much, connect the pieces in a rational way. My knowing I have autism and ADHD now enables me to know and recognize my stumbling stones, at least some of the time. If I were a mermaid, I'd be equipped to recognize the snares and find an alternative route to swim. Being autistic I see things differently than others. The term masking comes from pathologically sick personality disorders, I don't believe it should be part of the autistic vocabulary. What others call masking, I call coping skills that require self discipline and calm focus. Self discipline and calm focus help me move forward towards beneficial and healthy goals. Without self discipline I regress into a crumpled heap and feel nothing but misery. Being autistic I'm often the butt of people's bad jokes and abusive behavior. It's like swimming with sharks. When I let my injuries control me, I thrash about feeling like I can do little for myself and need the help of others. But what happens when you thrash about with injuries in a pool of sharks??!! 🥺 It's not easy, it's far from it. There's no "normal" people in my life, no calm, no peace from others. It seems they're all autistic and don't know it, or they're sharks feeding on us. Everyone is searching for something or someone to make them feel better or bigger. The more they search, the more intense their hunger, they become like ravenous wolves. That wanting energy pulls all things down. It is, in my opinion, the source of the crazy making and depression and disorder. I'm 61 and live alone in an unstable, volatile world. I have bad days, I totally relate to what you said. And I have much work to do because I've realized that what I need doesn't come from other people. I don't need their understanding, their compassion, or their support. What I need is to work on mastering my inner framework, to reclaim my inner spirit with self discipline, with calm, and with rightly ordered thoughts focused on what is good, true and beautiful. The solutions to my autism and ADHD come from within when I find my inner strength. My strength comes from the Lord, I honestly don't know how others find strength without Christ. Courtney, you're not crazy, you're overwhelmed. You're intelligent, creative and talented. And you're strong, much stronger than you realize. Look how much you've gone through and see how much strength that took. Being autistic I often don't see things in the same way as others. My first 50 years were focused on truth. What was true was of higher value to me than emotions. One day I was at a meeting on learning to communicate better. Someone asked me how I felt about something, i don't remember what the question was, but I could not answer. I did not know how I felt about whatever it was. It troubled me because I felt it was something I should be able to express. It took me two weeks to figure out how I felt about it. That experience got my attention and I began focusing on emotions - mine and others. Big problem. Emotions are the result of the words and the stories we tell ourselves, how we frame our experiences and beliefs. The problem is that my emotions want what is pleasing here and now. By listening to the "conventional wisdom" and shifting my focus on feelings, I lost my self discipline. I'm having to start all over on self discipline but it's so hard because, having acted in accord with my feelings for 10 years, now my emotions have conditioned my intellect to give in to what's pleasing to my emotions. That's why I struggle so much, that's how I end up a crumpled heap. However, I have discovered a game changer - knowing that I have autism and ADHD. Now I know I need quiet time to sit and journal to process and organize my thoughts. Now I know that when I start to feel depressed, I've stepped into a negative mindset, a blindspot, caused by autism. So that causes me to reevaluate and change direction and avoid that pitfall. Now I know to give my friends more space and be more understanding when they say and do things because of their autism that I find off putting. And now I know that it's not how others treat me, but how I choose to think and feel about others. Courtney, thank you for sharing your authentic self with us. My guess is everyone who watches your videos relates to your experiences. You're not alone. All of us struggling with autism, we're not alone. 💕

[@olgaliseyko234]

Oh. Thank you so much for your honesty, vulnerability, and a hard truth 🙏🏻

[@MinionBapple]

Thank you for putting all of this out there. I have just been diagnosed at 51 yrs old. My experience so far hasn't been great but I have at least some 'reasons' for some things that happened in my earlier life. Your videos have helped alot, I wish I could do something similar as I'd love to help other people on the spectrum. It would be great if people could be more understanding. Instead of comments like 'well nothing like that existed in my day' or 'I just don't understand it' and 'why do you want or need a label' like fgs aeroplanes didn't exist long ago but they are perfectly acceptable now. We don't need attention for it but we do need understanding. I hope you find some light soon Courtney, and wish you and yours all the best going forward.

[@justinpardy3573]

Thank you for this! I was diagnosed over a year ago,at 53...and still trying to navigate to a " happy place ".....I'm becoming more proud of it, though.

[@madamenordica]

So I got assessed this summer - a few months shy of my 59th birthday. I DEF have the alexithymia part of it - so when I found out I was like, oh. ok. so.....what I've found so far is this: 1. I struggle with imposter syndrome....STILL 2. I'm trying (but failing miserably) to cut myself slack and be kinder to myself 3. I don't give myself shit for not understanding others the way I used to. Meltdowns still happen. I still take days and days to 'get over' stuff like I always have, but NOW I can look at my life with a lil different perspective and that really helps, BUT that being said, I have HALF A CENTURY of life to re-process. WOOT! GO US! We got this! :) XO - also BIG struggle with starting tasks

[@jeremyheilman4527]

I gotta say guys this community Courtney and you all have been absolutely wonderful. I can now consider this my safe space,my home when I don’t have anywhere else to speak where people get me. I really wish we could make a discord or a chat group where we all could talk and just connect. I love you all!!!!!

[@nozhki-busha]

Every day is a struggle, it was when I was an undiagnosed autistic person, it was when I was self identified, and it still is now I am formally diagnosed. The only real difference for me has been that I now understand why things happened to me in the past, why people treated like me garbage at school/work, and why I experience things the way I do. I can just put a name to it and for me that has been closure. Everyone is different of course, but if anything, a formal dx helped me to understand myself, mask less, and set firm boundaries. Not that I am in any way invalidating anyone else's experiences.

[@cowsonzambonis6]

What you said about taking off the blindfold and seeing the cliff now…🙌🏻💯🙌🏻💯🙌🏻💯🙌🏻💯🙌🏻 And about normal activities taking days/weeks to recover from… I can’t tell you how validating it is to hear someone else speak my reality. ❤❤❤ Aaaaand you talk like I do! ❤😂

[@edwardsong7628]

I got diagnosed at age 62. Through thought experiments I rerun my life imaging getting diagnosed at different ages. I've concluded that the best time to have been diagnosed was just before high school. If diagnosed too early, given the school I attended, I would have been segregated into the Special Ed program and would not have had the opportunity to achieve as much I did. However, being diagnosed too old makes it too late for me to have a successful career, get married and have a family. But being diagnosed just before high school would have allowed me to have just enough support to do better in high school and then in college. I would have been better prepared to enter the job market, and changed my strategy in finding relationships.

[@eemard]

This is so RAW and so REAL! Thanks for being so authentic and genuine. This is the real deal 💯👏🙌

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Thank you! 💖

[@MermaidZelda]

I love you so much!! And it’s so cool to see this new channel take off already!! Omg, “happy stimming” is the best outro 😂

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Hey fishie!! Thank you so much for watching! I’m so grateful for the support!

[@radishraven9]

I just got assessed 2 months ago and this resonated so much! I'm like "worse" now as a high masking autistic so it sucks. I've gotten through the going through my life and then overthinking everything in the whole world as autism and then the whole realizing I'm disabled and now I'm in the imposter syndrome and realizing im not the main character phase 😅 maybe next i will get to my "i will be myself all the time!" phase 😂 I had to come out to my boss to get to work part time a few weeks ago and the first thing he said was that i was "high functioning" and everyone loves me and everything is great. I went into a rage because like no? Things weren't and aren't great! Thank you for this video, it made a lot of sense even as it is unscripted. Looking forward to more on this channel! 😊

[@Judymontel]

Everything is great for everyone else you work with & for. Your efforts are wonderful for THEM. But for you... nope. Sending you good thoughts, luck & strength as you try to get to where you can be ok as well.

[@OddClarity]

I like to call “high functioning” as “high masking”. The Autism FAQ by Joe Biel and Dr Faith Harper is a good read.

[@radishraven9]

@OddClarity thank you i will check it out! Yeah unfortunately most people have never heard of masking. My boss was like "how great you found coping strategies!" not knowing that it was these same coping strategies that are tearing me apart.

[@WendyLMacdonald]

Thank you for your honesty about life being harder after diagnosis. I just got diagnosed last week and was surprised that I found myself struggling more than ever at a social event that I went to two days later. I thought it would be easier since I would know why it's never easy. I'm relieved to find out I'm autistic. But your words and my recent experience at a Christmas party has reminded me to take my needs for accommodation seriously. I may not go to anymore parties. It's too painful before, during, and after. I'm 63. Yes, finding out so late is life-changing. We need to be kind to ourselves more than ever. Thank you again for your honesty. I needed to hear this. I'm going forward with my eyes open. Not everyone is going to be kind. Hugs. 🥰

[@elianepaquet2399]

❤ I'm going through the same emotions as you. Diagnosed at 44, it's been a year now and some people really don't understand, or very little. It's a long road...

[@beauty4love266]

Thank you Courtney!!! I appreciate your transparency and vulnerability. I resonate with you in so many ways and its quite encouraging. Sending loving energies to you and your husband during these challenging times.❤

[@suddenlyautistic]

Great video and very relatable. I got my diagnosis 3.5 yrs ago at age 46 and am only now feeling fully integrated in myself. By that I mean it's taken that long to stop conceptualising myself as 'Amanda plus autism, ADHD, anxiety and CPTSD' to Amanda. I hear you on your journey and hope you find the peace in self- integration that I am. That said, my peace has also been hard won. I've also lost people in my life, closed my business, down sized everything and required way more assistance that ever before. And that's good. It saved my mind from snapping.

[@StevenElkhome]

I relate to this so much. On one hand, it's great knowing what's going on and being able to take steps to stop constantly destroying myself. I have strategies now. I have meds. I have language to talk to people and get accommodations. On the other hand, I don't think I've ever cried so much and just...

[@duikmans]

M60 here, found out about my autism 4 years ago. Before that, I knew that I was different, but not 'how' different. I was ofc masking heavily all the time, and therefore didn't think that I needed (or was it deserved?) help. After all, didn't the talent for focus, planning and pattern recognition give me a career? Turned out the pros didn't outweigh the cons... so, 'hurray'for bouts of severe depression, for burn out and exhaustion... But I'm finally learning to live with myself, the rest of the world will just have to follow (or learn to). Woohoo! Getting close to 400 subs!

[@A_Word_Fitly_Written]

I appreciate your authenticity and plainspokenness. I was diagnosed this summer at age 40. And I get the relief of understanding myself and my behavior better, but also find my life getting harder since diagnosis. Now I'm in burnout trying to figure out how to live in this new reality. I feel overwhelmed and don't even know where to begin to get to a better place. Sorry for all the added stressors these last two years have held in your life, Courtney. On their own - very challenging; with an Autistic mind and body....all the more so.

[@annaw6630]

thank you so much for this video! I do want to say, getting diagnosed doesn't make things worse for everyone- my outlook on my life and myself dramatically improved over time after I was diagnosed so I just want to let people know it doesn't always make life crumble! im really glad you started this second channel! I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability so much

[@CourtneyLiterally]

That's why I always invite people to leave comments on their perspective because it will for sure be different for everyone! Thank you so much for leaving your thoughts and for watching! Happy to have you here!

[@joshuabenes]

There is a lot in this video that resonates with my. I've come to realize a few months ago that I'm autistic. As I like to say, I'm "self diagnosed with a high degree of certainty" because I have a previous diagnosis from well over 10 years ago for Borderline Personality Disorder. I didn't realize the amount of overlap between BPD and Autism, and almost every root cause between them aligns perfectly with autism for me. One day I'd love to get a formal diagnosis. The only thing that I haven't experienced as much is things getting worse. They've gotten different for sure, but I've spent the last 10 years feeling profoundly broken with no hope because of thinking I had BPD. Now that I've come to realize it's autism I actually have a lot more hope. I have words for my struggles that were never there before. It's a lot to take in, but it's so much better than the tremendous amount of questions that I had with BPD. Not to mention I would forget I had BPD when things were going okay. Now I know I'm autistic 24/7 😂 but it's been helpful.

[@turntablez504]

Yeah, it does get harder to push yourself once you can see what you're doing. I used to be able to do a lot more than I can now. And life doesn't care, it keeps demanding more. It's tough. Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me feel less alone ❤

[@DarklyYours]

Thanks for your perspective. I personally was diagnosed back in the summer of this year at 38. It has been challenging, challenging to accept, challenging to learn, challenging to face the past in this new light, and challenging communicate to others that this isn't a new thing but I am just now learning how to manage a life-time of misunderstanding.

[@OddClarity]

The Autism FAQ by Joe Biel and Dr Faith Harper is a good read.

[@Ellie-m6p]

I’m really looking forward to seeing what you do with this channel! I’m here for it all! I agree with you so much about how things tend to get worse after being diagnosed. I really thought it would go the other way but wow, do I struggle A LOT now. Ever since finding out a year ago, my life has changed so much and now I can no longer ignore my feelings because I know the root of it all. Getting through every day is difficult and finding ways to care for myself properly now is a lot of work. My wife has definitely noticed how different I am, like Eric. She’s trying to understand it all and I know it’s difficult after being married for a while to see your spouse changing. But it is because we’re finally understanding ourselves and being true to our feelings which is sooo important. But it’s hard to make these changes and also be thinking about how they affect our partners too. It’s all just a lot and I totally understand where you’re at. Got carried away but thank you for being so honest and open about your autism, it helps me understand myself and not feel alone. Your other channel brings me so much joy and I know this channel will be a beautiful safe space for everyone who needs it just like the other one is.

[@cozyneuroDme]

Did you see that train of thought leaving my head? Hermit it up. Happy stimming! I hope you create line of comfy sweatshirts and t-shirts with these quotes on them. I would LOVE to have "hermit it up" loungewear set❣❣❣🙌🏼

[@planetindiana5044]

Yes, PLEASE! To quote Bob (in What About Bob) "I need, I need, I need!"

[@JonBrase]

17:29 You say "low support needs" and "high masking" as if they're the same thing, but "low masking" isn't just the people who can't mask (such as individuals with very frequent meltdowns or non-verbal individuals), it's also the people who won't. The won't-maskers see little point in masking (exactly how little determining how low-masking we actually present), and are more likely than high maskers to be diagnosed early, but we're often highly intelligent and masking stress doesn't contribute to our emotional load, and these two factors both contribute to lower support needs and to it being less likely that something will be seen as "wrong" enough to require investigation (especially given that our dads have a tendency to be low-maskers of the "I did that as a kid. Why pathologize perfectly normal behavior?" variety and tend to stonewall any attempt by educators to investigate). In my case, my support needs are mostly executive-function related (AuDHD is fun!), or social skills related, but in many cases where I might be perceived to have social skills support needs by NTs, my position is to insist that the NTs are the disordered ones, and they need support to break them of their obnoxious social behaviors!

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Hey Jon! Friendly reminder that I am not a professional, my content is based around my own personal experience, and autism is a spectrum. 💖

[@JonBrase]

@CourtneyLiterally Sorry, wrote all that, then forgot to clearly articulate my main point: high maskers take a lot of crap for "not looking autistic", you're often more deeply affected in day-to-day life than many of us who "look more autistic".

[@gamineglass]

I’m sorry you have been dealing with so much loss. Grief is a major disrupting life experience; self compassion is important.Also, grief can’t be rushed or analyzed. Btw I was diagnosed at 71 and it was a huge relief and explained so much, but it also meant I had to essentially rewrite my own autobiography. Life has gotten harder in some ways but easier in others because self understanding is a wonderful thing. I find myself more and more in autistic spaces and that is a joyful thing. Sending you good vibes, but also compassion for the bad times

[@donnellallan]

I think you are wonderful! Thank you for sharing yourself on this video. I am wishing you all good things going forward. It will get better! Much love to you. 🩷🩷🩷

[@ravenstormcloud678]

I think the algo is working, cuz I saw the thumbnail recommended in my stream, but refreshed accidently. Went to look for it on your mermaid channel, and was totally confused when I couldn't find it. Took a lot of key word searching to finally find it and realized "Oh, lol, new channel, who dis?" Subscribed immediately, before pushing play even. Thank you for your realness and honesty. Oh, and I think "happy stimming" is a great outro.

[@lisaschwegel3520]

I'm thankful for your videos, I find you so relatable. I have had others leave biting comments on my comment, and it really hurts and stuns me by how mean people are. I can imagine (because it's something I can do) how hurtful those comments are. I'm self diagnosed, I don't respect the medical community. I've been drinking lions mane coffee and taking lions mane supplement and ashwagandha root, and the quiet and calm and focus I'm experiencing is a gift from God, for the first time in my 61 years I am happy and not guilty about it. Learning I'm autistic was the key missing to understand my brain.

[@32flavorss]

This video couldn't have come at a better time. Thank you!!! I have been experiencing this post-diagnosis hell for months now, and I wish I had known about how awful it would be. AWFUL!! And yes, also validating and great to know. But the self-doubt doesn't go away even after you get a formal diagnosis.

[@thebonecone]

4:07 THIS. This exact thing.

[@gugaavenger]

Ooooooh this is so cool, I follow a bunch of autistic youtubers cause somehow you guys are the voice that my kids doesn’t have, in many situations the lack of social skills and communication in general makes us feel lost, hight functional people are the keys for some of these. Glad that you are open to talk more about your journey, challenges, and of course crazy skills that typical people could never have. Take care girl love you guys!

[@gabe3210]

No idea if you’ll see this but you are so relatable to me and waiting for my own assessment in 2 weeks and starting to get really nervous about it. I also started seeing patterns in my friendships. I don’t have the courage to tell them yet. Weirdly enough I’d be devestated If I don’t get a diagnosis as I wouldn’t get an answer

[@valerievalerie9769]

I only found out about your new channel because of the algorithm, but I'm so glad I did :) I'm undiagnosed and unlikely to ever get diagnosed in my home country, but from everything that I've researched, I'm almost certain that I'm autistic. this realization also caused quite a bit of unraveling and my inability to do things that I was previously capable of doing, but I'm slowly making some accomodations, first and foremost thanks to your previous videos. I also run a rapidly failing small biz and this year I came to the conclusion that I really, really, REALLY hate the marketing and social media side of things, and I can't cope with it anymore. I used to dread office life, but now I'm actually thinking that it might be a better option to work just 40h a week (hopefully in hybrid mode) instead of 24/7 all your life. but that's just a theory so far, maybe I'll regret it if I ever make the switch 😅

[@OddClarity]

Thank you for sharing this, Courtney. I can 100% relate to what you’ve said about the challenges of being diagnosed later in life. When I was diagnosed with ASD Level 2 at 28, it helped me to understand the reason why the mask I’d been wearing had shattered-and why it couldn’t put it back on either. “Live your authentic life!” People say, but it’s not really encouraged. The relief of knowing why I had burnt out was mixed with pain of and relief. Autistic burnout is something we’re trying to raise awareness about here in Australia. It cannot be overstated-how painful and exhausting it is. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but if you’re going through it, please know it’s real and you’re not alone in your struggle. Regarding the ASD levels, it wasn’t until much later after getting my diagnosis that I learned these levels aren’t about defining you as a person; they define your support needs. Level 1 means a little support, Level 3 means a lot of support. Nobody really explained this to me when I received this diagnosis. Gaining this understanding has helped me to reframe how I see myself and my challenges. It was such a powerful statement when you said, ‘You need to accommodate yourself.’ That’s something I’ve been learning too-how to create spaces and routines that work for me instead of trying to force myself into environments not designed for us. Your video is such an important reminder that we’re not alone in this journey-thank you for expressing it so honestly. *thumbs up* indeed

[@OddClarity]

It’s not that being autistic is the new thing, “we’ve always been autistic. We’re just getting better at identifying it.” - The Autism FAQ by Joe Biel and Dr Faith Harper is a good read.

[@TheHeroicHunter]

So thankful to have found your channel. I have my autism diagnosis next month and I’m nervous about it, when I look back at my childhood I can see some signs and even now I see them. I’m just concerned that the professionals won’t see what I do, just as my family doesn’t seem to understand or see what I do. I just don’t want to waste the professionals time, but I’ve waited 3 years for this, I’ve just always been told things are in my head.

[@OddClarity]

I hope things are going okay with your assessment? The Autism FAQ - Everything You Wanted to Know About Diagnosis and Autistic Life by Joe Biel and Dr Faith Harper might be a good read.

[@Ahnalira]

I just found your channel, and I feel like I am home. Diagnosed in May, 2024 at age 70. I 'understand and relate to everything you say. Thank you 🥰

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Thank you so much for saying so, it means the world to me! 💖 I'm really happy to have you here!

[@sharliloveshehers1810]

I was just diagnosed last week and it already feels like I've gotten way more autistic! For me, the holidays this year have been much harder to deal with than usual. What you say is all so relatable. Thanks for sharing your experiences! I also have fibro, IBS, and ME/CFS, so I empathize with your struggles and pain. Maybe that could be an upcoming video for this channel?

[@Beafree1975]

I am a level 1 audhd and low needs, yeah. There are times my husband will be like "you're not fine, go take a nap or something" I'm clueless till I realize I'm not fine. haha! So I'm glad he can spot it for me. My grandmother past away (she was 93) last year around this time, I strongly believe she was autistic. The most annoying thing is when you tell others and they're like "Oh yeah, I'm sure I am too." They come up with lame crap like "I like staying home too."

[@CourtneyLiterally]

So relatable. It's something I feel like we see a lot of on social media too. People think it's trendy or something? I don't get it. I'm sorry for your loss. This time of the year is a struggle for me and I can imagine it is for you too. Happy to have you here! 💖

[@marley7659]

Reminds me of my aunt and late grandma on my mother’s side. To be fair autoimmune issues exist in my mother’s family line. My grandma basically stayed indoors all the time since I was born. I assume it could have been her benign brain tumor. Although, it’s tough to say. She could walk and such. Just didn’t go out much.

[@HostileLemonade]

I actually found your first video through reddit as I'm currently in the beginning stages of getting an assessment myself. After watching this one I just wanted to leave a quick thank you for sharing your experience with the whole process AND an update too! I'm beyond anxious, and the imposter syndrome is real, but I deeply appreciate the realness of everything you've shown

[@OddClarity]

I hope things are going okay with your early stages of assessment? I found the whole process very draining but reflective as you had to think about the challenges you faced as a kid. The Autism FAQ by Joe Biel and Dr Faith Harper is a good read.

[@thecamlayton]

I'm glad you're doing this. I think it's going to be great.

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Thank you! I'm cautiously optimistic! 🥰

[@sarahedwards5766]

Thank you, I really needed this. I greatly appreciate that you show this side of you. It helps me not feel alone. I was SO excited when you did this new page and am very much looking forward to new content. I really hope that things really improve and get a lot easier for you in your life, sorry to hear you've had such a rough last 2 years.

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the well wishes! I'm trying my best to stay optimistic! The response I've received on this channel so far has really been helping. I feel like it will all have been worth it if I can reach people and build a space for us. 💖

[@Mapleson]

10:33 "Needlessly so" made me cry.

[@ruthcarter2761]

This video is so healing for me to hear from the burnout I'm in now (self-diagnosed approx 2 yrs, mid-30s), having gone through the excitement phase first (!) and now hitting the "is this how it's always going to be" sadness/isolation/skills regression phase. It's helpful to know that it's a usual part of the process and we will get beyond this, too. I'm so glad you made this new channel and I'm on the edge of my chair awaiting your next videos. I'm sure it's safe to say your process going fwd will help me with mine. It already has, to some extent. Thank you for posting. You have so much courage.

[@AutisticUnfiltered]

M64, diagnosed 3 years ago but it was flagged back in 1998. High functioning, low needs, med-high OCD, hyperlexic, IQ 185. Yeah, it's been interesting. I thought I was high masking but on deeper reflection I'm actually low masking. Hyperlexia is the way coolest superpower. Without consciously knowing it, it gave me two brilliant careers. I think I've gained far more than I'd have had if I wasn't wired like this.

[@joeydendron]

185? Congratulations!

[@AutisticUnfiltered]

@@joeydendron Thanks, I was hoping to join Mensa, but they slipped me a trick question. Define the universe. Give 3 examples. 😁

[@solipsisticBovine]

did they explicitly specify 3 *distinct* examples :-) ?

[@rahyrarpg1600]

Never hit the subscribe button so fast in my life (i loved your main channel content so much too, I even hit the bell icon which i usually never do). Also, no fuckin way it's been 2 years!! That time has flown and I feel privilidged to have found your content when I did. I so relate to everything feeling so much harder. Diagnosed in Feb 2024 (omg its nearly been a year?). I also had a fairly hard year with life stuff happening which just compounds my struggle to even function. I feel like I am constantly in spoon debt and there isn't much bandwidth to reduce my spoon usage. Can I also say that I really like seeing the more genuine version of you here. The unmasked version of you is so pure and really brings light into the world where darkness can be so prevalent. I am so excited to see more of your autism content here.

[@CourtneyLiterally]

It means so much to hear you say that! I’ve been struggling for so long with what to do with the Autism content on my other channel, and I am really glad now (reading comments like yours and others) that I decided to make a new channel. I think/hope this was a good move and will make it easier for people to navigate and for me to maintain.

[@rahyrarpg1600]

@@CourtneyLiterally You deserve all of the success for this channel. You and Erik (Eric?) are lovely souls who don't deserve any of this damn strife. You got this!

[@alexanderchism6403]

It's been just over a year since I realized that I'm autistic, and while I feel like I've grown a lot, I also feel like I am struggling more than ever, much like you said is the case for you. I have a well-paying full-time job, but I fantasize about quitting daily because it's put me in a state of perpetual burnout for the last several years. I'm holding on by a few threads at this point, but only because applying to other jobs seems even more difficult. Ideally I'll be able to become self-employed, but that is also extremely difficult when I'm already burnt out. It's finances that are tying me down right now.

[@OddClarity]

The Autism FAQ by Joe Biel and Dr Faith Harper is a good read. It might not have all the answers but I 100% get where you are coming from about applying for jobs. Job interviews are the worst when you have ASD.

[@kaizey]

I have had a big identity crisis ALREADY while waiting for assessment, it’s been rough despite the fact I have wanted and pursued the dx. It’s been wild, looking back at my entire life with new eyes. I worry that I’ll have an even bigger identity crisis after diagnosis when it becomes final and “real”. Excited for your new channel ❤ hope it catches on like wildfire lol.

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Aww thank you so much! I really hope so too! 💖 Sending you strength to get through it!

[@honicjoy]

Hi Courtney, thanks for your update. I’m 42, ADHD, and I suspect I’m on the spectrum too although it’s really hard to get my psychologist to see that as there’s a LOT of overlap. I came across your account some time ago when I was still with my ex. She’s around your age, and got diagnosed at the exact same time. Unfortunately, unlike you, she still hasn’t accepted the diagnosis. It was a life sentence for her. Since her diagnosis it was one big burnout. No escape. I tried to support her, but she ALSO has severe attachment issues, and made things worse. Every month around her period, the hormones would make her totally unreasonable. I don’t mean this in a “you don’t take out the garbage” way, but a “you don’t lift your feet enough when you walk” kind of way. That week and a half would end with her wanting to talk, saying she’s not happy, saying she wants xyz, me proposing a solution, and her just wanting me to “listen”. Listening to your partner saying you make her unhappy and not be allowed to do anything about it is, and I don’t think I’m exaggerating, traumatizing. I wasn’t allowed to move out but she couldn’t handle us living together, she wanted non monogamy but didn’t want to work on our relationship, etc etc. I agreed to all those things. Through it all I could see she loved me but didn’t know what was going on inside. We broke up three months ago. I said the words, but she wanted me to say them. I’m learning to be angry at her behavior, because my rationalizations are literally making me sick. But still I am so sad she didn’t get any professional help. Seeing you talk about this is helpful to me. Even though you say it got worse, I just see an autistic woman learning about herself. When you say people think you “go crazy” on this channel, I honestly can’t see it. My only question would be how unmasking is dangerous for you in public. It might be a cultural thing? I know what my ex was like unmasked, no one in public would care over here. Thanks for the videos. If you ever feel safe enough to go into details about your experience that would be amazing. There’s not a lot of info on female autism experiences that go beyond the usual things (I think I read ALL the books and saw all KZbin stuff), and it’s helpful to people surrounding women to know what is helpful, what is not, and get some sense about what to talk about with that special person in their lives. Thanks for your work here.

[@mdeville5851]

Courtney thank you so so much for sharing this...! I love your new user name so much, it's perfect for this type of content 💙 I had no idea you'd made a new channel until you posted this video on the discord so I'm so happy to be here too! It's great getting to see the (mostly) unmasked side of you, and I only say mostly bc I know you struggle to unmask completely with the camera there. Sending lots of good vibes!

[@brendamattox7558]

Courtney, I just happened on this new channel by chance. No, I think I was led here actually. I'm 65-years-old and self-diagnosed less than a year. I think I imploded about a month ago when I was forced to find a nursing home for my 87-year-old mother (who had lived with my husband & I for 13 years). She was having frequent falls and the last one resulted in a fractured wrist. Couldn't get to the bathroom on her own anymore. So stress has been off the scale getting this arranged and is now pretty well done, and I think I can exhale. Then I get hit with a bad bout of sciatica down my left leg, it's been a week now... I believe wholeheartedly that I am in the worst austistic burnout of my life. I so relate to what you have experienced. I hope I find me on the other side.

[@SmackedyDoo]

I have an assessment next week that i have to drive a few hours away and stay at an hotel for. I dont have support. I left a long term relationship over a year ago and had to move several hundred miles to a new location and became disabled. All of that change pushed me into extreme shutdown. I actually looked up "how to convince my neuropsychologist that I'm not autistic" because even though I really want to know, I'm actually terrified of the results.

[@ElainaMaria87]

37 years old and just realizing I’m autistic. I’ve already gone through many different identity crises (coming out as non-binary, estranging my abusive parents, being diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses and losing my career because of health decline) and I feel so deeply the weight of dealing with another. It’s such a shock (and relief sometimes) to be going through this at this point in my life. I’ve been seeing this Vancouver-based autistic-affirming OT and they’ve helped me identify that I’m in autistic burnout and a lot the way you were describing how you’re feeling, is very similar to how I’m feeling right now. Interesting you mention the health stuff…I’ve been doing a lot of reading about common comorbidities with autism and it actually helped my doctor diagnosis my mast cell activation syndrome and hyper mobile spectrum disorder. Apparently endometriosis is common with autism as well. I had a hysterectomy and excision surgery almost two years ago -took really long though because the doctor I saw at the endometriosis clinic at BC Women’s Hospital kept blaming the pain on my fibromyalgia. It was just sheer luck that the specialist I was seeing for an adjacent problem was also an experienced excision surgeon and she diagnosed me with endo and adenomyosis. Anywho, I’m rambling now… just I really relate and vibe to this video Courtney. So sorry to hear things are so much of a struggle right now. Gentle internet hugs if you want them 🫂

[@NeurospicyKat]

I'm 1 year 3 months post diagnosis ... I had a lateral breakdown between the first why are you seeking diagnosis interview and a well later testing. This did mean that high masking me got the level 2 diagnosis which means I've thankfully been able to access some supports. My partner and child have also been diagnosed in the same time frame. All my trauma has gone you have to note deal with me, I've somehow managed to keep my pt job. I think only because I work in a school in inclusion support. It's a crazy journey and do often people fall apart for a bit after. Thankfully my wife is holding out together a bunch more than i am.

[@Mysteryfox1662]

I’m 30 yrs old. Will be 31 in may. Was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid. I’ve got my initial ASD assessment coming up in a few months at my own request. I’ve suspected I may be autistic for several years now but my mom always told me I wasn’t. I finally got her to admit that I got tested as a kid and she said “I wasnt autistic enough for the doctors to want to label me”. She still says she doesn’t think I am even after that. I’ve spent my entire life not understanding why I am different than other people. Why I can’t understand people very well. Why they can never understand me for that matter. Why I suck so bad at making friends( still have none). I’ve spent my entire life trying so hard to fit in. To be normal. I’m terrified of what the results will be. Either way. It’s gonna be tough.

[@launacasey6513]

The financial cost of an assessment has kept me from following through. However, once I fully accepted that I most likely have autism, I went through a lot of different feelings, including grief. I'm in my early 40s and it seems bananas to just realize this in the past year. I can't imagine anyone believing me or treating me the same if I actually had a diagnosis to back up my own research and putting the pieces together. BUT, being able to understand yourself better is massively important, and being able to give yourself the time you need to unwind and calm your nervous system is key. I think for now I'm going to avoid disclosing anything. If I'm in a situation where I have to walk away, use ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones, that's what I'll do. I have already started to accommodate myself in little ways. If it helps for a person to know in one very specific way that I struggle, I can tell them. It's like I'm forced to finally have a bit of compassion for myself.

[@CourtneyLiterally]

"It's like I'm forced to finally have a bit of compassion for myself." < That really hit home. Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your story with us!

[@dnel83]

I'm 41 and about a year from getting diagnosed because of the long waiting list. I have no intention of telling my mum even after because I know she will turn it into a personal insult even though she is absolutely ND herself, likely ADHD. I look at the life her brother had, he was textbook plane/train autism but was undiagnosed, shunned by his family, had few friends if any and became an alcoholic for much of his life which eventually killed him 2 years ago. The alternative to getting diagnosed and on a path of self acceptance and understanding is a dark one but after my experience getting sober myself it's not happy news for everyone.

[@PrincessTessaFabulousLife]

I love happy stemming at the end it’s perfect play on happy swimming 🏊‍♀️

[@catrid61]

Thank you for sharing your real life struggles and how you feel about it. There are lots of KZbinrs talking about diagnosis, common A behaviours, etc so this particular video is very valuable. Uscripted is good, reveals your thought processes and that's so supportive.

[@CourtneyLiterally]

You're the second or third person to mention liking that the video is unscripted and that makes me really happy. I find for these sorts of videos it's much better to go with the flow and see where the thoughts take me. Sometimes it makes for more chaotic content, but that can lead to new ideas! Thank you so much for being here and for commenting!

[@MermaidLolly]

Love the new channel! Honestly things have gotten worse since my autism diagnosis, like now I’m so much more aware I struggle more. Like my autism has gotten worse? I’ve been diagnosed for like 3 months now, hoping it gets better. My whole life does make a lot more sense now

[@CourtneyLiterally]

I’m so happy to have you here Lolly!! I’m sorry things have gotten worse for you too. I’m sending love and strength your way!

[@catherineburton3988]

Im so sorry to hear about life for you the past couple of years , i can definitely relate ,your honest, real videos are so helpful ,i heard myself think ' thank goodness its not just me ' ,but then thought maybe that wasn't appropriate? Hopefully you know what i mean, wow its tough isnt it ,but also i wouldn't change putting myself through it ,looking forward to hearing more,and thank you x

[@serachun2866]

Oh my god! I needed this video, it's truly sad. Advocating for oneself is overwhelming

[@Minakie]

I didn't know you had a second channel now but you must be doing something good because I found it! I follow a lot of ADHD, autistic and auDHD creators on KZbin and I've really come to appreciate the smaller low production channels, especially when the videos are unscripted. Everything is more raw and rambly and it just feels more real. And remember: you might be crazy, but you're our crazy. xD

[@CourtneyLiterally]

It makes me so happy to hear you enjoy my style of content. I get the odd person here and there who really doesn't like it, but I too prefer the more unfiltered format. It feels more conversational like I am just putting out my video message and waiting for a response so we can talk about it or something. Thank you so much for your comment and for being here! 💖

[@Minakie]

@@CourtneyLiterally That's how I feel too. I have nothing against scripted videos but the rambly ones do sound a lot more like I'm just having a casual chat with my friends. :)

[@yundorphin]

I feel very privileged/lucky that things don't seem to have gotten "worse" with finding out I'm autistic. But I do find that I act "more autistic" - or at least I'm way more aware of it. And that has been added stress because I worry that I'll be "discovered" or something by my co-workers. Whoo went off on a bit of a vent there and lost my train of thought. Anyway, I'm sorry things are rough right now. I do often hear it gets worse before it gets better (the situation, not the autism), and I hope that will be the case for you.

[@rahyrarpg1600]

What about something like "happy stimming my friends (happy stimming friends)" or something like that if you want to call your audience Friends and have a sign off?

[@ms-literary6320]

You said so much of my own experience I immediately sent your video to my husband. This! This! So thank you for that ❤

[@CourtneyLiterally]

You’re so very welcome! I’m so glad it resonated! ❤️

[@SeriouslyJaded]

Hey, glad you created this channel. I’m not into mermaids but as someone that who came to realise my 59 year old ass is autistic a few months ago, I find your autistic outbursts somewhat refreshing. :D Can’t say things are worse for me though - more like business as usual after the epiphany but with way more, “huh, that’s why” moments. Wishing you well from Norway.

[@onyx_the_water_dragon3889]

Hiiiii! Loved the video! Happy stimming sounds so cool as outro!! I can't wait for more of your videos, you're awesome

[@danielsoukup5734]

I love “happy stimming” as an outro. I think should be in the running.

[@nataliemartin9660]

My diagnosis is in a few days and now I’m scared!😓 I wish you the best I’m so sorry for your losses!

[@CourtneyLiterally]

Don’t be scared! The benefit of knowing myself better has far outweighed any of the negatives. Let us know how it goes (if you feel comfortable of course)! 🫂

[@raskbell]

The ND magnet part is so true. Ever since I was diagnosed I’ve found almost my whole friends group is some flavor of adhd or autism, all diagnosed. The job I work at includes a bunch of nd coworkers, people I recently become friends with, they’re ND too. I really built a nd bubble around myself accidentally.

[@debvandusen3623]

I am so sorry all that has been happening! Oh yeah how your awareness and reaction changes after you know its asd and not just anxiety. I let myself have a temper tantrum, a meltdown in front of my husband instead of usually hiding it in a hissyfit alone in the laundry room. Poor guy didnt know what to do! Then i felt shitty with guilt afterwards since instead of holding it in until im alone, im autistic so suddenly its ok for me to give in to a childish meltdown, No! That wore me out worse expending my energy that way. Some days i wish i could go back to where i didnt know for sure. But because of you i didnt know i could use noise cancelling earbuds or earphones and to take time to make allowances for myself. I do often look back and see the girl i was and how i couldnt fit in or attract friends or even socialize properly. I did have a successful career in a major telecomm organizing things and people!!! I excelled at that! I was a nut about it. Taking on side projects, writing business proposals, business plans, letters, documents. Now i see why my whole life was the way it was 😊. But what youre going through, i wonder if your doctor has told you yet. As you grow and age, youre going to hit milestone years. 30, 35, 40, 50, 55, 60. Where medical conditions, lets say, get added to your chart. Monthly problems, with pms, menorrhagia and then oh yes endometriosis. Carpal tunnel syndrome, depression, pre-diabetes, high blood pressure and a short list of ailments can pop up after the stress of losing loved ones. And hitting each one of those milestone marker years the doctors know what to look for. Me at 67, now everything was fine up until 65 but now i need stronger reading glasses every 6 months! 😅 if thats all i have to complain about i guess I'll get though it. I'll leave you with what i thought was a weird saying my father said to me. But only now i see the wisdom behind it. The first 50 years are the hardest! It gets easier after that! 😅 i used to think wth? But yes it does! Things change. Time changes things. Things never stay exactly the same. And i know we sure dont like change. You grow, you adapt, you find new ways, try different things. And some of those things do work out for the better. Be kind to yourself ❤. Be more patient with yourself. And dont forget to breathe. ❤❤❤

[@danielsoukup5734]

Thanks for sharing your story. I know it’s been crazy for you, but you sharing has helped me through my own process. I definitely feel the “it gets worse.” I was in a burn out when I got dxed and it got way worse post dx.

[@sarahlogan2075]

Thank you, thank you for this very relatable video. One thing that can help if you are diagnosed very late in life is that some things tend to get easier, (actually I think It's that many older people start to realize that a bunch of things we were told matter do NOT matter). At least for me, even though I went through that Yes it makes sense now to Oh dear God, what about all those years and what does this all mean now?, I was able to let some things go that I wouldn't have been able to let go when I was in my 40s or even 50s. What I'm trying very badly to say is that it can get better. Maybe just knowing that one of us, or a few of us if other older recently-diagnosed autistics see my comment and agree, is that better is possible and maybe this comment will help you younger people hold on and have something positive to look forward to. At least I truly hope so.

[@TaliaMichelleWheeler]

Wow, where to start... I'm a new subscriber ✨️ this is the first video of yours I've ever seen (and I watched your assessment video afterwards). I relate to you SO much. Like maybe too much, in a way that almost feels creepy 😂 Autism related videos started showing up on my KZbin feed about a year-and-a-half ago. At first I just scrolled past them, thinking: "I'm probably on the spectrum, but who cares, let's avoid that rabbit hole" lol. 10 months ago (February 2024) I finally clicked on an autism video that piqued my interest, and unavoidably fell down the rabbit hole 🤣 since then I've taken all the online assessments, and I'm going for my formal diagnosis this month 🙌 My point in sharing that is because I follow quite a few autism channels on KZbin (Morgan Foley, Kaelynn Partlow, Mom on the Spectrum, Divergent Diaries, Chris & Debby, etc.) and while I relate to all of them in different ways, the videos of yours that I've watched so far are relatable on another level... Like, we could almost be the same person 🫨 Sorry, I'm really not trying to be a weirdo. But it was a bit weird for me watching you because of the similarities (how I act unmasked, very few people have seen that version of me). Not necessarily your exact experiences or special interests... But your mannerisms, hand gestures, sense of humor, how you speak (and sometimes get sidetracked lol), the way you describe and relate to your autistic experience - particularly how you feel about it and how emotional you can get over it... how sometimes we fall off the deep end, and thank the lord for our amazing husbands because life might be impossible without them... we even look a bit alike, and are close to the same age (I'm 34) ! Like you, I've been a chronic people pleaser, and I'm afraid most people like my mask more than they like me (or, more accurately, they don't truly know who I am). I know a lot of them will not understand my diagnosis (if that is the outcome for me), and hearing your experience two years later has been good for me. I was sort of imagining the fluffy feather mattress of acceptance haha 😅 Another strange thing: it's like your video found me at exactly the time I needed it. I actually went for my initial intake appointment this morning, and I have my next appointment next week. I didn't search for assessment related content, it was just there at the top of my feed this evening (thank you, KZbin algorithm 🙏 even though it's a bit creepy how you do that). Anyhow, THANK YOU SO MUCH for filming your journey, for sharing it publicly, and for being so real and so honest about it. I think your new channel is a brilliant idea 💡 you said you hoped to help people by sharing your experience, and you have definitely helped me. P.S. I used to eat school lunch in the administrative office, and I would hide in my classroom during recess to avoid going outside with the other kids / cry and have a meltdown if my teacher found me and forced me to "go play" - strange similarities 🤔 Thank you again 🙏❤️🙏❤️🙏

[@mikko.g]

Self realized autistic at 45yo. I appreciate content that resonates.

[@ZSchrink]

The whole "it gets worse" is true. At least it was for me. I think part of it was the other point you touched on, being upset that I couldn't just be me. Both in the past and mourning what 'could have been'. But also the present, 'why can't you accept me for who I am instead of what you want me to be'. Then when you let people know, they say the usual 'let me know if you need anything'. But then when you act eact differently, they get confused\upset. And heaven help you if you wan't to put yourself in fewer situations that will cause stress and overwhelm, then people chastise you because you are "acting differently all of a sudden" and are "why can't you just pretend like you used to". Like, all I want is the smallest amount of understanding. Freaking humans......

[@Ragingbull123]

I make 1 year post diagnosis in a month & I relate so deeply to your explanation YES

[@DAHYPEMAN4115]

This video is very important to me, my main problem is my family and I have a lot of trauma trying to communicate what I feel and every single time it fails so I stopped explaining myself but I have to pretend I'm fine or things are going to go south again. My parents say they miss me a lot, well it's not my fault they don't understand.

[@TheMermaidSewist]

I am so glad for the magnets that I’ve brought us together. You have no idea Friend.

[@Roxas_Games]

I recently had an assessment through my uni for mainly adhd. I also had some thoughts that I might be autistic cause I had been freaking out the night before and was relating to a bunch of videos. Turns out the assessor ended up also noticing the autism, and while they could diagnose it. They said, “ I would be surprised if a doctor didn’t diagnose you with autism.” Earlier today I got back a 36 pg paper from the assessor and read through it. (I call it the autism docs 😅) I’ve also been looking back on my life after this perspective shift and a lot of things are making sense now… Sorry for the rant, but it feels good to get this off my chest 😅

[@andreas3330]

Hey, Courtney. I'm 46 and diagnosed autistic about a month and a half ago. My (undiagnosed, but absolutely autistic) young adult children (22F, 20M) diagnosed me, and themselves before it ever crossed my mind- for any of us! I homeschooled my kids all the way through school (K-12 in the US) and just taught them how to mask in public to avoid excess bullying. Because, to be honest, nothing about their traits registered as "autism" for me or their dad (neuro-typical middle school teacher), just "normal for us ." 😂 Anyway, going down the rabbit hole of Female Presentation of Autism and wow! Yeah, all the traits have been present for my entire freaking life since birth. Maybe the best parts about having an actual diagnosis are 1) the language that I now have to describe what I'm experiencing and 2) my kids can confidently say, "Yeah, I don't have a diagnosis, but Mom is autistic, and all my traits and experiences point towards me also being autistic." Side note, I am undiagnosed ADHD, and not seeking that since I don't want meds and can show in my genetics where my body is depleting all the neurotransmitters just as quickly as they're released (but, that's not how ADHD is diagnosed, so there's also that). Anyway, I'm in therapy and figuring this all out with a therapist who is willing to read/watch just about whatever I recommend. I think she's excited to work with a newly diagnosed autistic woman and I'm happy to be her guinea pig so that she's better able to help other autistic people.

[@19Marc79]

13:09 => My mother´s sister died last year at the age of 89. I found out for me that I am autistic at the age of 37 via a video of an autistic youtuber. I made the online test with her when she was 87 and she scored 32 on the AQ Test by Simon Baron Cohen. She never had a romantic partner. Nor a close friend. She never went on holiday alone. She had schizophrenia since she was 18 and suffered tremendously from that (hearing voices and talking out lour to them). I did not even try to explain autism to her because I thought it would upset her at that age and in hindsight I think it was the right choice. I also asked my cousin to check his AQ this year. He scored 38 at the age of 60. I scored 40. I was shocked to see that my brother scored 10 ! (I did NOT suspect him to be autistic - I was just curious HOW low he would score...). I gave up on neurotypical humans a few years ago. I do and will continue to live alone and accomodate myself as good as I can. My parents don´t get what autism is AT ALL....And I believe most people also won´t get it because it is just too complex to understand quickly. "Own that you are alone !" is my motto now 👍 The internet is a real blessing to us, I guess. Otherwise we would still unconsciously mask and be frustrated and exhausted again and again and again....Unbelievable that some can endure that for 80 or 90 years !!! 🤯

[@quarkonia_autismus_adhs]

I can feel this a lot! Thank you for sharing this ❤

[@quarkonia_autismus_adhs]

BTW I absolutely LOVE your humour!

[@JonBrase]

I don't really feel my autism has gotten worse since my diagnosis, but I'm fairly low masking, so there's not a sense of a lost identity that I need to rediscover. Insofar as my autism is "worse" it has more to do with leaning into things that were already part of my personality.

[@Gengarisspooky]

The issue for me os that despite being disabled with level 2 autism, adhd, and mild intellectual disability its a waiting game for support from the government and most counseling if focused on anyone 22 and under and the thing is that im 26..