INTJs & Emotional Conflict

The strange paradox as it relates to conflict and the INTJ personality type.
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Typing disclaimer: Hi my name is Lindsay, I'm an INTJ typed in a double blind study using the scientific method on a 512 scale. Official type is: FM Ni/Te BPSC objectivepersonality.com I have also tested as an INTJ in other jungian based systems.
#INTJ #Personality

[@TaylorVero]

Any other INTJs prefer to process your emotions privately first, so you can figure out why you feel like that, before you are comfortable talking to someone else about it?

[@InternetLiJo]

Oh heck yeah that’s the only way to do it lol

[@TaylorVero]

@@InternetLiJo "I will talk to you about my feelings when I know why they are there, what I think about them, what my plan is and how I will prevent a repeat occurrence of this feeling." 🤣

[@robertmorse3201]

Absolutely! It is unlikely we will talk about anything we haven't already thought through 😆

[@AW-ix5qg]

Absolutely...sadly this kills any flirting opportunities.

[@quintuplebanned4267]

All of them. And the infjs too.

[@rainbowkitschen6442]

"Do your research on vulnerability" is the most INTJ thing you could have said 😁

[@quintuplebanned4267]

The sentence has a unique capacity which encapsulates the entire intj experience; in a sentence; really, a command; a sentence fragment...if you will. They have this economy of words; an efficiency with language that impresses me so. Love always, INFJ

[@rainbowkitschen6442]

@@quintuplebanned4267 And THAT is the most INFJ thing YOU could have said 😁😁 ❤️

[@victorsjostedt4393]

Things that has offended my Fi as an INTJ over the years: - The "get an inch, take a mile" approach. Taking initiative is fine, crossing a line is not. - Presenting false or misleading information in order to manipulate me in any way. - Misrepresenting me and what I say. - Dismissing what I'm saying because they stubbornly refuse to entertain the concept. - People just hearing what they want to hear when I'm talking. - Double standards and hypocrisy. - Making decisions on my behalf that affect me negatively when I've been perfectly clear and decisive about what I want. - Pressuring me to have feelings I do not wish to have. - People feeling entitled to touch and grab me. - Ask me to do something, so I start doing it, but the person for inexplicable reasons feels entitled to treat me and my work like crap. Will sabotage and/or use malicious compliance on anyone who does this. Most consistently disrespectful types (in my personal experience): ISFJ, ESFJ

[@InternetLiJo]

I relate to so much of this Victor my goodness 😨

[@victorsjostedt4393]

@@InternetLiJo Hi Lindsay! 🖖😃 I didn’t actually expect a response, especially not so soon, but I’m so happy to hear that it puts words on things you might have felt! I find that knowing others experience such things helps to alleviate some of the unfortunate isolating nature of things like these. With little else to add for the moment, I wish you a most wonderful continuation of your evening, but in Swedish. God kväll! På återseende! 👋😇

[@quentonhorton1053]

Thank you for this list. I shall have this a disclaimer when meeting people.

[@Elodie_N_INTJ_Analyzes]

I m INFJ, and I got offended too with all theses things in my life, and recently again. My mother is ESFJ, and father was ISTJ. I totally understand you when you write « most consistently disrespectful type » I understand all people and their point of view, but with ESFJ (my mother and 2+ coworkers) It’s very hard to make them understand myself. Each time after a conversation with them or text with my mother, they end up disrespectful toward me, whereas I gave them good advices, positives thoughts. I terribly often feel misunderstood and weird after. They don’t want and don’t like to go deep in a topic, don’t understand psychology and philosophy. Surely because our Ni is dominant for us INFJ/INTJ, and it’s the polar function/worst function for ESFJ. And the logic is their weakness. It’s sad, it’s like we can’t really talk, except about food and help.

[@preciousgoje2193]

I don't like hugs, I am very conscious of my personal space and how it relates to others.

[@victorianastav4969]

everything's ok until it's Not...when that internal value has been crossed. then we act abruptly & become 'different'

[@PureEvil1138]

I always thought something was wrong with me until I learned about personally types

[@blackdogracing]

(INTJ with counseling Psych. Background). Most of the ‘fear’ of emotional confrontations is due to lack of study or information about what it is and how it works. Intensely listen to what the person is saying and what it means, ex. Anger is frequently the outward expression of hurt. Understand that you can not solve (as we love to do) their problems, rather you provide the information and methods for finding solutions and let them create the solution unique to them. Learn about people the way you learn about things.

[@rmcd823]

INTJs are scared not of “things” at all. It’s about emotionally reactive people, yes - but mainly because you won't change how they feel or react, and the solution will fail anyway. It's about being vulnerable and even then not understood. I am mature now, and I am learning my self-preservation first because to put myself vulnerable for the sake of relationships is messed up, and most of the situations don’t bring good results in the long run.

[@romulus1981]

From an INFJ, your self awareness and development appear to put you in a unique class of INTJs. I have also seen how you emulate the cognitive types and it is truly astonishing how you have captured the essences. Wow!

[@InternetLiJo]

I love brain tools 🛠

[@luisguerra6815]

Is it strange that I felt you were an INTJ by the look in your eyes? It's the same nonchalant dry look that I see in the mirror everyday and in other people that I know to be an INTJ.

[@InternetLiJo]

Thats the look!

[@gabriellewieczorek2883]

YEP

[@quentonhorton1053]

I found my tribe. I am glad we prefer our own company.

[@ciggytwiggy]

that is a look I recognise too :D

[@hnhmr6597]

It's always the eyes haha!

[@diegoalonsop.santos7161]

Many times we have an amazing view of future but in the reality (Se) we find so many things we didn't anticipate and that causes strong emotions that we don't want.

[@farmermom]

Motherhood has been the biggest influence on me in this area. The depth of emotion inherent with teenage girls FORCES you to grow, lol. Anyone who has an INTJ in their life needs to understand that if we're there during an emotional crisis (usually trying to "fix" things), we must care about you deeply. However, avoidance is still the default. My extended family will attest to this...the drama exhausts (and yes, frightens) me.

[@vaportrails7943]

We don't like drama. That's a good way of putting it. We're not "scared" of emotion, only its consequences. It's like nuclear energy. It can do great good or great harm.

[@ENFPerspectives]

.

[@ENFPerspectives]

@Patti Fabrick I think that is any type. If they are there through the tough times, there’s an easier ebb and flow. Any INTJ or other type that is going to skip out when things get tough means they’re not true friends anyway, because real friends don’t do that. Real friends are there through thick and then, the good, bad and ugly that we all experience. Life is hard for everyone.

[@adamborkowski2355]

This video is so true. As INTP who had INTJ friend, talking about any sort of emotions was literally impossible. Our conversations would be like: Me: Hey, something is off lately, you act different, but I don't know what to do about it. Her: Everything is ok. Me: What? I can see it's not ok. Her: *silence* and even when we all saw that she did actually struggle with some emotions she couldn't ignore (other people's emotions that caused her mood to massively change), she would just avoid it. Like, literally walk out of the room, or change the topic, or change a person to talk to. Whenever there were too many emotions unleashed. Also she never changed the way she talked when asked (Everything is fine. What? A problem? What is it? *good chunk of silence*) I could never understand why did she act like this, it was a puzzle I couldn't, and I didn't solve. So thanks for the video, it was great!

[@stackk.113]

Interesting because I had as INTJ reverse situation with INTP.

[@adamborkowski2355]

@@stackk.113 I never claimed that my experience is the only way the things can go, I just noticed it really well matched with what was said in the video

[@andreagreenwood93]

That's too bad, sounds like she struggled a lot. I think a lot of mature INTJs find it tolerable to talk in a detached manner about feelings as long as they're not expected to visibly express them. Part of the struggle is, if there's a conflict we want to make sure our requests of the other person are perfectly rational and reasonable. If we think what we're experiencing anger etc about is unreasonable, we might shove it down and refuse to acknowledge those "irrational" feelings. And we struggle badly with the Fe notion of collective feelings and looking out for each others' feelings. When there's a conflict, we need collective agreement on what's the rational solution (Te). It's very difficult sometimes to say, "Well I just feel this way, help me."

[@stackk.113]

@@adamborkowski2355 I don't claim that your experience is false. I'm just surprised that INTP wants to talk about emotions faster than INTJ.

[@adamborkowski2355]

@@stackk.113 I know you don't, I just wanted to clarify. I guess it shows how people can be different, emotions will mean something else to everyone.

[@priestofavalon]

I totally get all you've said. Being an INTJ in a customer service position, I've often given customers blank looks when they get really emotional. I'm considered rather rude by the overly emotional customers, but they don't get the emotional response they want from me. I try to reason with them.... Honestly looking forward to my promotion where I will have less customer interaction. People have been extra cranky lately, and I'm just not having it.

[@quintuplebanned4267]

My God, what is the industry where all these emotional messes show up? What a nightmare. I’m supposedly very good at handling this, but I hate dealing with it in these situations. I only want to deal with it when I want to, not for a job. Every time I re-read anything I just write, I realize how doomed I am. The thing I’m good at, I don’t want to do as a job. Story of my life.

[@priestofavalon]

@@quintuplebanned4267 Trucking industry. Truckers are, for the most part, just grown babies...

[@shid.account7629]

I feel like you and I have similar jobs, I'm nfp. After enough promotions there is less random customer exposure and more white glove customer support. oh wait nebermind you said trucking lol

[@shatakshi9290]

Try out the email writing section for newspaper companies , a much peaceful job.

[@joalroselin]

I'm an INTJ and I either handle situations of conflict with absolute control or I wimp out and become paralyzed and let the other party wipe the floor with me. Interesting to see how disabilities like anxiety and ADHD diverge me from typical INTJ behaviors.

[@quintuplebanned4267]

Are you really, though? Being used, as a mere rag, with which another wipes the floor? Perhaps you are caught a bit off guard, yes, as any human is from time to time...you will never be anyone’s rag, my friend, for you are the INTJ. You have a plan. A master plan, and that moment of paralysis is part of the larger plan, and the paralysis is just a tiny little piece in a much bigger puzzle you are planning for - their kind. They won’t know what hit them when you complete the plan. You simply choose your battles. Love always, INFJ

[@joalroselin]

@@quintuplebanned4267 i also have anxiety issues my friend, thanks to growing up with an abusive father figure, making me paralyzed in the face of male aggression. Unfortunately, being INTJ doesn't make you immune from irrational behaviors. Chill out

[@doubledrizzle]

I found cutting out caffeine has done WONDERS for facing these issues... not a perfect solution, but may be worth looking into. All the best from CO

[@joalroselin]

@@doubledrizzle thanks for the advice friend! Unfortunately i already have not been consuming any caffeine nor do I drink coffee at all

[@LilacSnowBun]

The person I just started seeing is an INTJ with anxiety and ADD and I want to know how I can be a good person for him. Do you have any thoughts on that or advise? 🌷

[@ikasugami]

I'm an INFJ, and my boyfriend is an INTJ. I found this SO helpful - thank you! With my secondary function being Fe but his tertiary being Fi, the emotional stuff is often difficult (I remember one time I asked him how something made him feel, and his answer made me think "well, that's not really a feeling..." haha). I'd be curious if it would be possible for you to do a video that takes the same approach to explaining INTJ's secondary Te versus INFJ's tertiary Ti. I often have a hard time explaining to him my thought processes and reasons for conclusions, and sometimes we have these long conversations about a 'thing' only for us to eventually realize we're saying the same thing but were taking very different ways to get there!

[@hnhmr6597]

My friends always wondered why I'm so confident with my looks. How do I deal with my insecurities? Well, my friend, you don't deal with it. You avoid it.

[@Stroganoffskji]

This is my observation: People that avoid emotional conflicts are limited by their emotions. The fear of letting the irrational side (their emotions) reach mental awareness, and guide their actions, will limit their behaviour and possible thoughts and actions. The emotional side must be accepted if someone want to grow as an individual (and vice verca for dominant "feelers", they must accept the rational side of themself). I'm an INFJ.

[@InternetLiJo]

Ahhh great analysis

[@nora_8080]

And just to add a little something to this masterpiece: other types think INTJs (and other types that don't have Fe in their stack) *hide* their emotions. Although we can be very aware of other people's feelings, we are clueless about our own. We fail to notice that we are literally screaming at someone, or bringing this depressing aura to the room. In our heads, we are the same as yesterday. I don't know how else to explain it. It's kind of like being stupid: only others can see it.

[@user-lu4fn9pe4y]

ITss ThE SuuN!!?

[@mokari9268]

I always wondered about this, like for INFP's when I was in my teens how they seemed so brooding and unapologetic about it. Honestly I somewhat admired it and resented it because I always felt like I had to put on a happy face or get lectured about it.

[@tryshw7564]

Yesssss, that's absolutely it, even though I keep "analysing" myself and my feelings, I never really seem to know what's going on.

[@cjr5449]

I know what you mean. I usually look pissed or depressed when i'm just deep in thought. I don't realize it until I focus on my eyebrows and feel how they're furled and I have to unfurl them.

[@paint.it.6lack]

Yessss

[@andreagreenwood93]

This was a great video, I like the acknowledgement that we hate emotionally dramatic conflict and that it makes us uncomfortable. Too many "INTJs" (??) try to promote a cold stereotype that INTJs simply take no notice of such things and are just never affected. But I agree with you, I definitely take measures to smooth through or avoid emotional confrontation because I feel like a deer in the headlights when I deal with an emotional storm. It feels like the person is foisting their emotions upon me like they want me to somehow take responsibility for the way they feel, right here right now, and I can't understand how that process would even work.

[@colywogable]

Totally. There's a silly stereotype that INTJs are emotionless, but sometimes I think that we are just ADULTS about our emotions rather than tantrum toddlers! I have plenty of feeling, but I don't kick and scream the second I feel it, as do so many other types. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only adult in the room. Yet, other types will see our calmness as evidence that we are the instigators of their tears! Basically, if they're upset, then the other person must be CAUSING them to feel upset. (This is especially easy to pin on the INTJ.)

[@tryshw7564]

When she said "avoidance doesn't teach anybody anything" I really felt that, for the longest time I've been scared of having feelings, all kind of feelings, which led me to not interact with other people so I grew up very anti-social. Thank god I met someone who is worth enough to make me push my boundaries, and making me allow myself to have feelings and acknowledging other people feelings. It hasn't been easy at all, a lot of cringing, overthinking, a lot of crying but all that was basically because I never learned to deal with it, didn't knew what was normal to feel because I was always hiding from it. Now I've been pushing myself and learning a lot, of course it still isn't easy, it still is a challenge every time, but I can see that in these last few months I had a very big growth in that aspect, and that's because I hide less nowadays. I really liked your video, I was agreeing to everything you were saying while watching hahaha, I think it could be really of help to others intjs and to people who are trying to understand us better.

[@P2BS97]

This was amazing! Please talk more about this subject!

[@Alex.Kalashnik]

It can be so hard as an INTJ to process emotions and figure out what to do about them. I fell madly in love with a girl once, who started manipulating me, and I had no idea what to do about it at all. As an INTJ, I just read a bunch of books and articles trying to understand women lol

[@poopypoop4355]

Lol I'm the opposite. I fell madly in love with a guy once, who started trauma dumping on me and being wishy washy with inconsistent actions and words. I ended up googling and trying to understand what his words actually meant and whether there were underlying meanings 😂. I also became emotionally detached everytime he cried or some drama happened in his trauma 😅

[@mokari9268]

As an INFJ I wish I had a sovereign planet to protect but no I am but a peasant wandering about in this world. Yes, I envy you guys and your autonomy.

[@AhmedMohammed23]

"INTJs be like" hello friends nononononononono hello internet friends yes maybeeeeee

[@theforestadventures9444]

The genie from Aladdin: "PHENOMENAL INTELLECTUAL POWER! Itty bitty emotional space." That attempt at a joke might have gone off the rails. 😆 Thanks, Lindsay. 🙂

[@SemanthaJen]

This explains why I hate having deep conversations with my family. With them, it's rather arguments full of irrational opinions and there's no way for me to talk sense into them at all. They treat me like I was still a child instead of a fully grown-up who can make decisions by myself. On the other hand, I am totally fine with heated debates. I once had one with an ENTJ, and it felt so good because we didn't let our emotions get in the way, we spoke facts.

[@lisaia7877]

My exact verbiage of when people ask why I didn’t bring up something - I didn’t want to deal with your reaction.

[@InternetLiJo]

Ugh yup 100%

[@aninhagamez]

I was thinking about it in my bedroom, some feelings that had been bothering me for a long time and I never had the nerves to talk to anyone about it, I just try to solve it myself or just ignore it, and it ends up being suffocating... Thanks for the video, helped me to understand better about my difficulties with emotions and now I know I'm not alone

[@InternetLiJo]

You’re not alone. It’s a wild journey friend. I know it well.

[@Mitchthemysteryman]

Honestly, as an ENFP, I can relate to fear of the emotional conflict. I'm much more comfortable with logical conflict, as it is easier to work with and come to a common conclusion (assuming there's no negative emotional undertone). I guess my main difference is that I try to understand the viewpoint of the other side, and reconcile it with my own before I respond, and go about it in a way that I know is amiable.

[@jerusalem4492]

I’ve been struggling with this for so long. Or at least some form of it. It’s actually causing me major anxiety and literally keeping me from interacting with people because I don’t want to be thrown off by their emotions! I don’t WANT to block people from my life but it just ends up happening because I can’t bare to express my Fi and be rejected or misunderstood. What’s worse is that when I DO try to address the issues, people can’t seem to have a matter-of-fact conversation about feelings or emotions without getting offended and defensive. Ughhhhh!!! I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, I’m just trying to explain mine so our relationship can move forward and grow! I just don’t have the energy to deal with it anymore. It’s really become the main problem in my life at this point.

[@rameshcppodcasts]

My suggestion: Patient, empathetic, friendly, fruitful, open, honest communication

[@gdtownshende]

I enjoy a good debate, but when I was married, I *HATED* getting into arguments with my ex. I would feel all these emotions welling up, threatening to explode like a volcano. At that point, I just wanted to get away. My ex hated it, but I would just leave, go for a long walk. One time, I went for a two-hour walk in the pouring rain. But, invariably, by the time my walks were done, I had calmed down, had formulated some kind of plan/solution, and I would return home. I learned _after_ our divorce - because she confessed to it - that apparently there were many times during our arguments when she would realize I was right,, but she didn’t want to admit it, and she simply kept arguing for the sake of argument. Just thinking about that, even now, years and years afterward, still makes my head spin. What is the point in that?! What exactly does _that_ accomplish? She always thought doing what I did - going for walks - meant I wanted to "abandon" her. Not even close! I didn't want to abandon anything. I just wanted to put a cap back on those emotions that wanted to explode/bubble over. Think of a soft drink about to explode and trying to screw the cap back onto it. >.< I just wanted to get away from the situation that was causing those emotions. Interestingly, when I would get into that state, before I would go for my walks, I would try to quell those emotions by doing other things while we were arguing. I would clean, for example, or do something, anything, to try to dissipate that energy.

[@hnmAck]

I do adore the awkward endings

[@InternetLiJo]

🖤

[@quintuplebanned4267]

Hear me out, I see a lot of people doing these videos, some are far better than others, obviously this one is really great, and although I am an INFJ, this is the channel I like to watch the most. I find myself feeling a bit frustrated by the way some people are framing some information as “conclusions” rather than “opinions” without considering the factor of age. When I was in my 20s and 30s, my perspective was formed by many factors, one of which was the objective amount of time I had lived on the planet, obviously, but I didn’t give much regard to the possibility of the good news - that things might change a lot as I aged - when, in fact, this has been the BIGGEST factor of all. This is why I don’t watch many INFJ channels, I want to smack them upside the head, and tell them, “you are acting so certain about something you will discover you were so totally wrong about”. As I’m sure a person 10 or 20 years older than I, would feel about some of the conclusions I may be drawing. Although I recognize down to the detail, these different struggles, I consider many of them as a “phase I went through”, that became a major issue for ME, rather than a major issue for the types. The INFJ tends to project shocking realizations about humanity, onto themselves, as a means of controlling their fear of what they perceive to ne an insurmountable scenario. Which is I think, pretty typical of my type, as yours tend to struggle with identity as it relates to emotions and social interaction (we do too with the social stuff). Neither of these, in my experience, are true, and this can be a massive bummer for those watching who may also be struggling. I wish someone would interview a middle aged INFJ. Perhaps a woman. Okay, me. As an advisor at George Washington University in DC for my department for two years and a prof for many more, I had the opportunity to engage with many highly driven, some completely not, but all very bright humans coming from a multitude of different backgrounds and contexts. I also taught at many other schools throughout the country some at museums, in which I did virtually the same thing but for professionals, doctors, lawyers, engineers, and Microsoft millionaires, you name it. My job was to teach oil painting, drawing, life drawing, design, but this comes with the package of me. In other words, I have met more people in the time I was teaching and advising than some people will meet in a lifetime. And I really got to know them because I am an INFJ. I just feel the introverted take on social interaction and emotions really needs this perspective, because I feel that these kinds of things affected many aspects of my life negatively, and having worked with so many other INTJs and INFJs, I have been able to share a perspective that they wouldn’t necessarily have considered. If I could speak to my younger self, well, there’s a lot to share, that I’m not hearing, and it makes me feel so bad for people in this general demographic and younger, because there is this other perspective out there, that can really offer important insight. There are many things a person does not have to experience to learn.

[@rameshcppodcasts]

❤❤ INFJ here, 30

[@tmerema]

As a young man I avoided having even positive conversations with loved ones, simply because I wanted to avoid the emotion (my own and the other party’s). You learn through time how to include it in your repertoire, but even here in my early 40’s it is not something that comes naturally. There is still a level of avoidance, where I will even suffer the intolerable indignity of appearing wrong or ignorant just to avoid what I predict will turn into an emotionally charged discussion or argument. In a way it’s both easier and harder to ignore these situations, as we get older and wiser we tend to devote less time to that which does not matter, yet at the same time we are less willing to compromise that which we value (or believe in for you non-INTJ’s out there) for ourselves. It causes a shift in what we’d define as a “necessary, emotional discussion/argument”. Great subject for a video Lindsay (hope I spelled that correctly?)!

[@justsomenobody889]

Yep. F***ing terrified.

[@VeganCatgirl]

Oh my! I needed this video so much right now. I'm an INTJ and I'm very uncomfortable with emotional conflict.

[@blakechildress944]

As an INTJ I'm also scared off by other people's emotional problems aka "drunk little elves with knives." In all seriousness great video and I learned a lot about why I avoid these things.

[@heron6462]

I’m an INTJ but am not afraid of open conflict when the chips are down. I go into full prosecutor mode, accessing the database of the individual in question’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities that I have quietly compiled over the years. I can shrug off inept attacks, but disrespect for facts or emotion-based arguments push my buttons. I have a reputation for being cooperative and helpful, but if this is misread as my being weak or a pushover, people quickly find out that they have misjudged me.

[@Diaming787]

This is why I carefully pick people with which I can feel more emotionally vulnerable especially the FP's. We should share Fi and so we have a level of respect of keeping our emotions private but also help me deal with in a way that won't make me run away. Using Ni to predict that person or some emotional outcome, and using Te in a healthy manner to work something out with communication really helps.

[@TheSdennis89]

Omg THIS. My boyfriend is an INTJ and you’ve literally just described how he behaves EVERY time we’ve ever had a emotional issue. As an INFJ I feel his insane discomfort so strongly it’s actually made me now avoid emotionally charged (though necessary) discussions too. My emotional world is way too rocked by his sheer terror of them, and I used to be so good at discussing emotional issues. I think I’ve become more Ni Ti since being with him.

[@rameshcppodcasts]

😬 I'm an INFJ and my girlfriend is an INTJ

[@silva-schattensang]

As an INFJ I confess, that I'm scared of emotional conflicts too. The reason is a bit different though. Fe tends to feel responsible for other people's feeling - so we tend to feel guilty when someone is unhappy about things we do. The other way round it's not better. When we confront people with our boundaries and they feel bad for crossing them, we feel bad for "making them" feel bad. People with Fe have to do tons of inner work to stop guilt tripping themselves for other's feelings. Many people with strong Fi share this problem, depending on their individual setting of values. With knowing about this inner problem and being open about it, it got easier to dare and solve conflicts.

[@dseer13]

you are co dependent. Its not Fe. it's you.

[@silva-schattensang]

@@dseer13

[@quintuplebanned4267]

No, we just happen to understand the complexity of every single damn emotion in the entire room whether we like it or not, and that is what is actually happening. We don’t take responsibility for this because we WANT to; we just see these poor people flopping around like fish on dry land trying to muddle through whatever it is they can’t seem to wrap their heads around, what to us, seems ridiculously obvious to solve. So what do we do? Withhold? Risk saying something, and getting ripped to shreds because the other people are too obtuse to recognize our gifts? No. You are correct that we despise conflict. Absolutely. Hate it. So, if we have this skill, don’t like the conflict, but we don’t want to get bludgeoned, we will carefully craft a technique in which the obtuse dimwits think they figured out the solution all on their own; the conflict will end, and while we are relieved it’s over, we will tend to resent, over time, the role of being the actual problem solver, without any of the perks that go along with people recognizing this. So, we feel responsible because, in fact, we end up with a lot of responsibility, if we hope to alleviate some of our own suffering. We aren’t martyrs. We don’t like that other people can’t seem to get there as quickly, or don’t seem to empathize with the toll this can take on people who are not directly involved.

[@silva-schattensang]

@@quintuplebanned4267 Thank you. :-) I think, the best way to deal with troll comments like the one I got is to ignore them. Yes, sometimes people seem to be a bit clueless about how to deal with their problems. Sometimes people need some time. They procrastinate, they push painful feelings aside, they make detours searching for scapegoats or a knight in shiny armor to save them. Maybe they'll have to hit the same wall over and over again. Show me anyone who's completely free from this behavior. My opinion towards them changed a lot over the years. I came to the conclusion, that it's best to stay passive towards them, to do near to nothing to help them out. I think everyone has to solve his own life's challenges. Who am I to tell them how to do it? By doing so, I don't respect their intelligence and abilities to take care of themselves. So what I do these days is learning to set some boundaries for myself. When people resist sorting through their stuff, there will be consequences and emotional turmoil. So I ask: What can I do to protect myself? I'm still willing to reach a helping hand, when I'm asked for it. But all I'll do is to give someone a little assistance to help himself. I won't try to carry someone “all the way home”.

[@rameshcppodcasts]

​​​@@silva-schattensang what if you don't get pragmatic, logical, thoughtful, reasonable help/assistance from someone you love in important time or cases? Similar is the case of feelings and emotions for Fe users. You don't want to help them, it's all about making a connection. Respecting the relationship, investing time, energy and honesty in it for the long-term. Isn't it wholesome?

[@skip123davis]

a russian proverb says: "you say you are not interested in war. but war is interested in YOU." as an intj growing up, that's how i felt around my raging father. when i was in later grade school he decided to do a sweat equity house deal where they put up the frame and he finished it. as his elder (and far more competent son) he really needed my help. when he'd get pissed off and frustrated, and started to take it out on me, i'd simply walk away and quit helping him. thus i taught him not to do that. he needed my help more than i needed his rage. as a result, i'm no longer afraid of emotional conflict, i simply THINK it is irrelevant. emotions come and go and are not permanent. FACTS are permanent and real. when someone gets emotional, i admit i tend to execute "disregard invalid code," which therefore doesn't always make me a people pleaser. behold my field of givashits, and see that it is barren...

[@rameshcppodcasts]

Hey, have you watched 'Normal People'? Without emotions and it's sharing, how will you connect to people? All the very best. Feelings: Thinking ratio 1:1 nearly is a talent, gift i think and feel.

[@mariek.474]

5:10 I'd say that while emotions themselves are not truly threatening, ~conflict~ can be very scary to an INFJ as our Ti (our logical arguments that maybe aren't trained enough as we rely more on Ni) being misunderstood would be a huge slap in the face and for maintaning harmony (Fe) it seems more worth it to just avoid certain topics as well 😅 Avoidance can make a relationship last for a while or superficially but not deep or long-term when both parties are not atuned to each other's needs or expectations, in my experience. It's counterintuitive (so much easier to avoid !) but worth it to dig in into what's difficult and truly matters once you trust a friend or potential partner. And some people will really treasure that one takes the time to rip themselves from their comfort zone for the sake of a deeper bond (I know I do with my INTJ) 👏

[@InternetLiJo]

Great analysis as applied to the INFJs, I see that for sure 👌🏻

[@israeltorres4035]

Watching your videos makes me realize that these problems are not as big as I think they are, thank you for share your wisdom.

[@InternetLiJo]

🖤👽

[@user-iu2yb7dd3d]

It seems to me that the emotional conflict approach with INTJ is similar to me as an ISTP. Sounds refreshing. I'm surrounded by extroverts alot of the time, and the wild emotions can be exhausting. Very insightful video.

[@johnnygilbert8163]

You're intellectual & adorable. I love watching these videos.

[@Ss-hn5rf]

Lizzo. Thank you. Till now I thought that I may not be a true INTJ because I extensively talk about my emotions with chosen few individuals and it is thought that INTJ's don't do that. Given your explanation I have come to understand that I do this because I am a _matured_ INTJ. Thanks for putting my doubt to rest and this does make me feel good. Great video, keep it up👍👍.

[@caleocarty113]

2:50 Is so true, there were so many times when I was in a debate and I could have proven my argument, but I didn’t because I was in fear of their reaction.

[@adrianbright6429]

The video I've been waiting /looking for, for a long time! Thanks Lindsay!

[@Heather-vg1dh]

Recently discovered this channel. I’m glad I did . Your videos offer so much great insight into the INTJ .

[@PajamaPantsTheater]

Boom. Put me in a conflict (or really a deep discussion) that's emotionally based, it's like my brain overloads and completely freezes. However, put me in a conflict that's logic based, I'm all in and will argue or discuss it until I lose my voice.

[@midlife3581]

I really enjoy the richness of hues in your video. It's visually pleasing and soothing but not boring in the least.

[@daviddavis9835]

That was outstanding. Knowing what's worth the trouble to try and decipher is the trick.

[@genius.heart.]

thank you for the guidelines! I struggle with understanding how to approach my emotions in a structured cohesive manner that is able to be received by another in a way that the issue can be analyzed and developed. This video helps xo

[@emberflash1641]

I'm so happy you made this one because I NEVER knew how to word this. I would really love to see you dive into the specifics of this and break down some approaches intjs can take in order to be ready to jump into emotional conflict when it's necessary. It really has been challenging to take that leap for me. Great video!!

[@niuriojizenaida4404]

Lindsay, I must say this hit some sensitive spots that I considered to be something like out control black hole that I couldn't manage nor understand how to deal with now I suppose I do have a better idea of it. Thank you for covering this subject. I believe subjects like these are highly important for the younger INTJ's who are trying to understand themselves and the world around them but are yet confused and struggling to.

[@christalphelps6186]

So many great insights Lindsay! The fear of emotions is so true! Sometimes ignoring emotionally charged situations is the easiest... Trying to be better about that... I think the hardest thing is picking your battles, I constantly fall into the trap of "will this conversation be energy efficient?" And 99% of the time is no lol

[@TaylorVero]

Thank you. This really helped me to understand myself a bit better. I kind of want to send this video to all my friends so they can understand why and how I do the thing too 😂

[@jasonbuttens]

Good damn! Explained perfectly. I’ve started sending these videos to romantic/close friends in hopes they start to understand. Thank you for giving me another voice. 🖤

[@Rasheens-Story]

You explained it so well 💯

[@johnnygilbert8163]

I loved this one!

[@ishinisaparamadu799]

Thank you for this video. Please make more videos on this.

[@thededicatedguild7442]

recently i had to be extremely vulnerable and it took MONTHS of going over it in my mind first and building up to it. Had to be with someone who was super easy to talk to and in a safe place. - was such a relief to get it done though. This vid describes Fi for INTJ so well. Its like my NiTe exist for the sole purpose of protecting it like some arcanstone sized gem for fear of having such a thing vaporise into the ether if looked upon.

[@HSharpknifeedge]

You are the best!

[@mara3842]

What an excellent video! Definitely goes on my “User’s Manual to Mara” playlist 😂😂😂 Gee it gets so awkward when people accuse me of not being vulnerable...and then when I do share stuff, it turns out that I have to pick up my emotional vomit because they’re not able to handle it 🤷‍♀️Well I pick it up and never open up again 😐

[@vaportrails7943]

I experience these things very differently. 0:42, to be honest, is not the way INTJs work. That is much more like an xSTJ. I have strong emotions that I'm very aware of. But they are things that I consider to be private, and I don't very easily express them. I will spend a lot of time thinking about emotions I'm feeling, and subjecting them to scrutiny to make sure I'm mentally clear about them. Then I'm careful about who I express them to, and when I do express them, I try to make sure I do it as clearly and calmly as possible. I will tell someone how I feel, rather than showing them through some spontaneous outburst. It can be a detriment when it comes to positive emotion, because those are expressions that people sometimes like to see, and I can feel goofy and awkward doing it. Controlling and planning your emotional expressions is a strong point when it comes to negative emotion, but a weak point when it comes to positive ones. I explain all of that to explain how and why I deal with other people's emotions the way I do. When other people are highly volatile and irrational, and they go around spewing negative emotion all over everybody else, I consider that person to be at best, inconsiderate. And often selfish and narcissistic. The way for people to get along best is for everyone to be in control of their emotions, and express them after they've thought things through. If you fly into a rage and start yelling at people, for example, you run the risk of doing much more harm than whatever issue triggered your rage to begin with. So what I'm actually doing is not avoiding emotions, but trying to manage them, in myself and others. "Let's try to calm down and talk this through" is my response when someone is freaking out. And if they can't be reasoned with, at some point I'll just back off until hopefully they've calmed down. So, bottom line, I'm not "scared" of emotions or "uncomfortable" in the sense that I want to ignore them. I just think they're personal, and people have to be considerate of others when expressing them. And when I want to express something, I don't want to be misunderstood. The problem is that if you are self-controlled, your emotions can be neglected and ignored by others, while those who are more expressive get more sympathy and affection. As an INTJ, I can see how sometimes an INTJ could view emotions as something unpleasant or unseemly, kind of like a pile of smelly garbage in the middle of the living room. But that's not "fear". Other types looking from the outside could perceive it that way, or project their own fears onto us, but it really is self-control, and distaste for excessive emotionalism. If you come to us calmly to talk about some emotional subject, like "I'm feeling really down because my mother died", you will get a lot of sympathy, understanding and offers of help from an INTJ. Likely above and beyond what you'll get from many other types. If you just start melting down (which can be understandable at times), we'll have a harder time knowing how to respond. And the flip side is that people think we're robots who don't feel anything, which sometimes leads them to mistreat us. Just because I don't break down and cry in front of you doesn't mean that what you did didn't hurt me. And so on. In more technical terms, we're not Fi infants, we're Se infants. If you show up wearing nothing but lingerie, we'll turn into a dog eyeing a juicy steak. The brain will cease to function. But it's not feeling or understanding emotion that we have an issue with, it's expressing and discussing it. We are emotionally mature in many ways. The negative side is not that we're "afraid" of emotions, or that we neglect or ignore them, or that we can't understand them. It's that we push them down and hold them in, which can eat us up inside and lead to issues like anxiety and depression. Which we will hold inside and never tell anyone. That could be what people are getting at when they talk about an "Ni-Fi loop". TLDR: INTJs do not fear emotion, and we do not misunderstand it in others. In fact, we understand it better than most. Ni is a powerful tool in picking up on, understanding and interpreting others' emotions. It's the *expression* of emotion that we have an issue with.

[@delynnsimpson3640]

I appreciate this thought-provoking contribution to the comments section. I'm intrigued... you say that 0:42 is not the way that INTJs work, but I wonder if it would be more accurate to say, "not the way all INTJs work at any given time"? I would like to put forward that I have an INTJ friend who--over the span of a number of years--I've watched progress/mature from the place LiJo described of fear, to a place more akin to aspects of what you are describing with trying to work out and navigate expression and discussion. That doesn't mean that they've ever grown out of the discomfort, but that, with the Se not being such a new stimulus, coping mechanisms and strategies have been discovered and adopted. And so, when I offer a correction of how one addresses a population, I do so in hopes of making room for everyone to grow and understand themselves at their own speed. I would also like to say a few things in appreciation that some INTJs I've come in contact with have taught me and that I'm very grateful for: 1) boundaries are SO important in conflict management, and seem to come naturally to the INTJ.. it's really quite incredible. Much can be learned from onlookers in this area. The world really could benefit from the INTJs example in conflict, so I'm happy to see a video on it. 2) A person's stuff is really their stuff. Just because I know about a person, does not make it any less their stuff, and only they can grow through it if they so choose. Integrity is important to cultivate. I'm just interested in providing environments for people to do that along their way... but I can't fix it for them. I do have a parting question to any INTJs who read this: I wonder what you think would be helpful to strengthen that Se muscle of expression and discussion? Being able to express and discuss is of vital importance (quite literally).. I'm currently looking into claims that depression is the suppression of anger, and anxiety the suppression of grief... there are healthy means to talk through these emotions, and I think really anyone could benefit from reading some solutions. Cheers.

[@vaportrails7943]

@@delynnsimpson3640 All i can say is that as a kid, or teenager, I was never "scared" of emotions. But I did, and still do, hold mine close to the vest because I don't want other people to use them against me, and I also don't like drama, in addition to what I explained above. The video is talking more about someone who doesn't experience or understand emotions, and is therefore afraid of them. I don't think that's INTJ in any form. You are right about boundaries. That is a good word, in my opinion.

[@delynnsimpson3640]

@@vaportrails7943 That makes sense. And, as you mentioned, ("The problem is that if you are self-controlled, your emotions can be neglected and ignored by others, while those who are more expressive get more sympathy and affection.") I have observed people who have a high capacity for self-control and self-regulation being passed over when it comes to being invested in by the tribe in terms of receiving respect for one's emotional state. There are a number of reasons for this, but I think the two ends of the spectrum would be that, at best, the tribe is ignorant of the emotional state due to lack of Fe projection from said member, and at worst, the tribe is self-preserving and therefore abusive or neglectful. (What I mean practically by Fe projection is things like people putting out emotional bids, or increased emotionality as you noted). Neither of these sides of the spectrum of reasons are good.. and it really hurts me to see it happen. I think the tribe is definitely missing out on an invaluable individual.. but now I'm digressing into my own values. ALL THAT TO SAY, continue in your self-control. It's a beautiful virtue, one that in my opinion is generally lacking, and though I don't know you, I admire you for it. Furthermore, I definitely don't perceive INTJs as without emotions or emotional comprehension. I also think that, should they put themselves to the task, they can all mature one day to be able to express themselves how they wish too. Misunderstanding is never completely avoidable, but I think that the INTJ can be encouraged that their is some peace to be had in knowing they've done their best to articulate themselves with excellence, and if the other party did truly need to understand.. they would, or would at the very least, give a concerted effort to try to. Also, your claim that this video is about someone who doesn't experience or understand emotions is incorrect. (1:40) -- dismissive and avoidant are words that do not indicate lack of presence of emotions, just the refusal to acknowledge and deal with them presently.

[@thededicatedguild7442]

INTJ honesty doesnt come form Fi - its Te - brutal direct and logical and doesnt casre about your feelings - cause its not logical to not be,

[@vaportrails7943]

@@thededicatedguild7442 INTJ comes from Ni. It seems like a lot of people don't get that.

[@Austin_Schulz]

I have a filter that constantly scolds me for feeling negatively, and sometimes positively. It helps sometimes, like when I worry that people are judging me in social settings, but it's unhelpful when it comes to things like falling in love

[@luked7766]

This is so insane how alike us Intj’s are! You nailed it. I’m like 😳 how it this real.

[@InternetLiJo]

tribe 👽

[@enfieldjohn101]

This is definitely something that I struggle with. I've always sought to avoid emotional conflict. I can't even stand to listen to other people having an emotional conflict, even when they are fictional characters in a movie or TV show. The fear of physical and especially emotional harm - either of receiving it or inflicting it on others, is probably a the root of most of my problems and phobias. If there was only one aspect of my personality that I could improve, I would pick dealing with emotional conflict.

[@daniii3915]

May the Ni be with you.

[@hannatalks8437]

Really amazing video and tips. Good work LiJo!

[@sae4842]

6:37 really good advice, i specially liked the last 2 learn about vulnerability and avoidance doesn't help. When you are in fear, avoiding is a response but it doesn't always solve the problem.

[@dragonarch0]

I guess I am on the right track. Back then I totally refused to open up to anyone, now I try to engage with people on meaningful things to build relationships as well as working on my projects. Though interacting with others is still draining but I see more improvements in myself and habits so I think I will keep going.

[@elizabethgaines1115]

Loved the video, a very accurate description of the emotion paradox. On a separate note, I'd be interested in a video on nature vs. nurture as it relates to MBTI types. As an INTJ with an INTJ father and ISFJ mother I think I've grown up with more balanced functions than I might have if I had had two intuitives as parents. I'd like to hear your thoughts on how our personalities can be molded by our parents and environment, and how much is just who you are, something unchanging.

[@rebeccapem5550]

I am an INTJ and my husband an ISFJ. How do you see how their functions have affected you?

[@pedrookuyama.oficial]

Even as an ENTJ, I can relate to this topic. Good points and tips to help us out.

[@peterdentice5725]

The most informative and valuable video to date. Just start the video and hand it to the other person.

[@tejassevak]

This is very very truee. Please make more videos

[@DenisStarikov]

Good topic. I just realized that I am able to remove emotional conflict by completely giving up on my personal stake in the situation. The only way to be fine with differences other people bring about is to have no personal interest in situation except mere curiosity.

[@boogieap3617]

You are amazing.

[@InternetLiJo]

Well thank you

[@jesssss12]

You’re so great I love your channel

[@InternetLiJo]

Thank you!

[@cvevo9400]

this is the intj safe space, to me. really helpful 😃✌️

[@InternetLiJo]

Awesome to hear, and glad you’re here!

[@tennesseemashed]

The last point made really resonated with me. I'm quite confrontational but in a messy emotional way oftentimes. I'm upset that I'm emotional and then avoid any confrontation. 😂

[@rameshcppodcasts]

Amazing video❤. INFJ

[@micahroberts8383]

Okay, I have two pieces of feedback about this video: 1. I am living for that eye look. 2. This was tremendously helpful! It put so many things into words that I have been trying to understand and explain to others for years! I shared the video with my girlfriend, who is the coolest friggin' INFJ you could ever meet (she literally does all 4 of the things you listed and I do actually feel really safe with her, even if she is having a strong emotional reaction to something I've said, which... definitely happens, lol). The suggestions you gave for what we can do are totally on point with the things I've sorted out about my own needs over the years. This will be a life long journey, I'm sure, but just having the language/concepts spelled out will likely help me more quickly access this wisdom I've had to learn and relearn. Thank you!!

[@InternetLiJo]

Thank you!!!

[@Leahv103]

Thanks for this video. I'm an esfp and my husband is an INTJ and sometimes when i'm emotionally triggered by something he did, I don't want it fixed, I just want to know that he cares about my feelings and that my emotional wellbeing is important to him. (I don't want my feelings invalidated.) When I feel heard and understood, it makes me happy and I can function well which in return helps me to do things that would help his wellbeing also. But sometimes i'm left feeling like he doesn't care about my feelings (because he doesn't understand why such a thing would upset me..) which makes me feel kind of unfulfilled and lonely. :\ Reading about INTJs helps me to understand their perspective a little better and in the forums it sounds like i'm definitely not the only one so that makes me feel a little better also. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE intjs. Just wish they were a little more emotionally sensitive to others' feelings :)

[@rameshcppodcasts]

❤❤ As an infj i share the same concerns with my INTJ girlfriend as well.

[@delynnsimpson3640]

Ouuuuuu, I am intrigued.

[@ShittyorGold]

thank you really much for your advices about emotions i m in a hard time dealing with mine in this moment because i though emotions are for weak persons as i intj....yo know what it is..... and your video really helped me so one more time thank you beautiful lady an keep on with the awesome work.

[@RachelPun]

My INTJ quit mid-program. So sad I saw so much potential... (INFJ here)

[@GhostofJung]

INTJs actual verbal expression of highly emotional content can be super incoherent and rambling. Verbal diarrhea, mostly. They know this about themselves, so they tend to avoid situations where they are forced to express it.

[@GhostofJung]

@@ph0522perhaps yes. I really hope this was an unintended poop joke also.

[@colywogable]

I feel like some of the big FEELING and SENSING people actually use their emotions to get their way. If you start crying, then it must be the other person who's the offender, right? They use this like a cheap trick.

[@glebolkhovsky2531]

Get yourself an I/ENFJ. They can help the INTJs balance out the Fe part. Maybe ENFJs are a bit of a better version because they have Fe and Se higher in stack than INFJs. And in turn you guys can help them learn Te.

[@irzyxelwj]

Do what we do best. Observe. Observation is an innate part of how we function and while we may not understand why people act the way they do, we are certainly still documenting it in our minds. The "if this then" aspect. Most humans emotionally mature around age 26. We are not most humans. It's almost a side effect for us for being human. Yet, we are good at mimicking people. You can apply this knowledge to your own emotions. However, it's still best to avoid confrontation. I would encourage you to have hard and fast boundaries when dealing with other human's explosion of emotions. It will be more healthy for you in the long run.

[@7_Siete]

I've learned most of the issues on interpersonal relationships stem from an inability (excuse my english, I am not a native) to communicate honestly with the other person. Most of the time, people will not tell you the truth because they -think- telling you the truth has negative results. I learned to tell people that I want them to be clear and straight up, but through this I also learned they don't usually listen. It's hard to live with the reality that not everyone can accurately play out in their heads the results of certain actions or choices they make, and it's hard to realize that no matter how much you advice someone on how to deal with you, they'll probably ignore it. No matter how much I put effort on giving people information on how to deal with me, I can only do 50% of the job and the other 50% is on the other person's hands. If the person is not willing to understand even when you explain yourself, they're not worth it, they're a waste of time and probably counter-productive to your life.

[@ashutoshsingh221]

I'am a infp and my favourite show off all time is breaking bad and walter white in it is my fav character. He is a INTJ and the way he execute things blows my mind ( except few quirks i don't like) that's why i follow this channel to know more about this INTJ personality type ✌️

[@Quraishy]

😍 Amazing talk Looking gorgeous You understand me so well 😉

[@Tanner0]

I wants heard and INTJ state that if she put the words “I feel” in front of her arguments, she was more likely to convince less logical individuals. I imagine this might also make someone feel more protected in a vulnerable situation.

[@shid.account7629]

i think i found chaos and action is better discomfort than complacent discomfort. i suck at long term planning so there is that too.

[@valerievaughn5495]

I really loved this in depth information. It was totally helpful. I have been wanting to deep dive into my type to become a better person. I am subscribed to OP which is a huge help. Today I found Penelope Trunk who has a career application master class on INTJ. This may be helpful but isn’t exactly what I am looking for. What I feel like I need help on is the FI /SE. Does anyone know of any classes out there that help you understand and develop these? I have a stressful career and find trouble dealing with others’ drama and dealing with constant chaos. Any help would be appreciated. I love this community, so helpful and generous. Thanks again LiJo for a good one! 💗

[@m.i.luminis]

This would have helped me a lot one year ago. Oh well. You live, you learn...

[@blackdogracing]

Customer service example (variations for other scenarios) Customer states problem, repeat back to them, if not verbatim, all the salient points they said. ( they now know you know). State that you agree that it is currently unsatisfactory and that you will work to solve the issue (use INTJ power to solve problem) determine with customer that the solution is satisfactory, Let them know that their business is important to you and if any other issue arises they should call or visit you directly and your name is X. You initially disarm the complaint by listening and repeating, formulate the solution and gladly offer to solve any future problem. As an INTJ it requires little emotion on your part but high sincerity. Your learning opportunity is to translate emotional words into actionable solutions.