Inviting Vulnerability into Your Relationships - Letters From Esther Live

When we extend an invitation to our partner to open up to us, we also have to acknowledge the power that comes with their freedom of choice. When we ask “will you join me?” or “will you share what’s on your mind?” they can say yes, no, or maybe another time. But how they respond has a lot to do with how we invite them.
In this workshop, we’ll explore the dynamics behind inviting vulnerability into your relationships to improve intimacy. If we want our partner to be vulnerable with us, we have to accept that true vulnerability is not a mandate. It’s a possible outcome that grows out of closeness and trust. And there is more than one way to develop that.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on Inviting Vulnerability.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: bitly.com/lettersfromesther

[@muslimtraditionalist]

‘Vulnerability is a gift not a given.’ Brilliant!

[@mariac5942]

7:30 definition of vulnerability 13:55 invitation for vulnerability (not forcing it) 16:50 questions 22:35 inviting vulnerability - write a love letter

[@Lovelyfairyheart]

Esther!! I love what you do for the world. You’re amazing.

[@coreoflife]

She always has the most compassionate & honest solutions.

[@thisgustin]

Not always.

[@coreoflife]

@@thisgustin maybe it hit home. Sometimes the truth is hard.

[@thisgustin]

@@coreoflife And sometimes it isn't.

[@TheAll5555]

I’ve learned more from your videos in a week of listening than all the years of reading books & workshops on & trials of relationships - it’s mind boggling - maybe it’s a clear case of “when the students is ready the teacher shows up” thank you for all that you do! 🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼

[@Wolfie.22]

I've been having this question bug me for the last two weeks! I'm going to make a effort to really get this in my head, so my partner feels safer (in whatever way that is for them) and so I don't feel as frustrated by the stone-walling. I don't want to keep being viewed in his eyes as the interogated because Im struggling with my desire for a deeper understanding, to what's going on for him at times. I'm hoping that eventually with work and effort, a better foundation will be laid for both of us in a way that is complimentary and honours both our needs getting met. When I do a honest reflection about what relationship have I had to my partner's vunerability about expressing themselves, not being able to articulate, not knowing what to say or what to ask me. I've been pretty fustrated and fed up and I guess I probably haven't been aware that I wanted them to open up so "I" could feel closer to them. I can't honestly say I've been supportive but I'm learning to, I'm learning to accept that it's not a given and that it is a gift and the more I respect his vunerability and I've taken it for granted much more than I should have. So in essence I need to understand the relationship I do have to his vunerabilitys in order for him to feel safe, regardless if I get the results or not. Thank-you Esther

[@reneilwemaenetja2491]

Love doesn't eliminate vulnerability ❤ Following you has made me appreciate relationship dynamics more.

[@revabbyjoovitsky5152]

In doing the exercise with you as I watched, I came up with 2 new insights. 1. My friend needs more praise & acknowledgement, validation of what's good in him than I gave him. His therapist told me this 2 years ago but we never figured out how to do it, exactly. I still don't know how. When I did compliment him, he seemed to not hear me. If I did it in front of others, he seemed embarrassed. This was something I also did not get as a child, praise for being good. He & I both came from families that did not value praise & even now perhaps we need to hear when we're doing something good. 2. The restaurant thing. We've had 2 melt-downs in restaurants where we were both triggered. I got as far in my limited understanding that it triggers him when I say no to wait staff. Refusing what is offered. Refusing food. Somehow this enrages him & he blamed me both times in ways that seemed insensitive to me. Then I remembered he always cleans his plate. Not just eats everything, he licks it clean. As if to say, "food is love, if someone offers it, take in every tiny bit." So I had not made that connection until now. For him, food was love. He was constantly offering me food. Rejecting an offering of food/love from someone else might have looked like a preview of what was in store for him, which sadly so far became a self-fulfilling prophecy. "Everybody I love leaves." "The ones I love never love me." Etc. Thanks for that.

[@flowfreely]

“What are the consequences of knowing?” 🔥

[@108u9]

40:54 An alternate way to speak to what we may wish to express through “I love you” is thank our partner for loving us - “Thank you for loving me”. To still suggest that we hold them dear and close to us but also speaking to how we see their efforts, care, and affection for us. Helpful for when we sense the person is of the temperament that’s less forthcoming about stating their affections. Hope it helps if anyone reads this and tries it

[@007massey]

This is fantastic, thank you for sharing. I never really thought about saying it that way.

[@amellya.2225]

Wow her words are just amazing

[@Chipop267]

Ooo loved that clarification about weaponizing!

[@audriagazzar-cohen6389]

Absolutely appreciate ALL of your videos and content! I am learning so much about developing healthy relationships, and more importantly more about myself. Thank you for sharing your invaluable expertise with us. :)

[@jessicaobrien9646]

Amazing workshop. Thanks Esther!

[@flayful]

I love your wisdom 💕 Thank you for making it easy to understand~

[@sheyedlington9046]

You are such a helper 🙏

[@rachelsmithmartin2328]

Brilliant conversation. Merci !

[@dhanmatiesingh4716]

Love your explanation on all relationships, and it's problems.

[@Cooqquu]

Always sit down & taking notes. Thank you for this Esther!

[@annlatham]

I adore you ! 💓 You’re amazing!

[@saoussanatulip2405]

I love you and the way you invite and deliver hard truths. So much love and respect. ❤🌷 Great prompts you shared with us, plus you gave us a lot to think about. There's a decision to be made about opening up, and if so how. Crafting our letters (literally or metaphorically) vulnerably, clearly, and kindly will require deep thought. I guess we'll all leave this workshop with a full plate for a couple of days or so.

[@nicole-secondaryemail-mort9617]

Such valuable content. I am so glad you do these lives. Thank you!

[@dilanhussein9117]

what we really need from esther is to describe her parents for us, how they behaved daily, how they communicated with each other and then how they traeted her, so that we can learn from them how to bring up smart unique people like Esther.

[@giftfromabove2107]

I agree

[@Billionaires_Muslimmotivation]

You helped me out a lot. Thank you Ester

[@africalib78]

Sharing parts of myself that I have been made to feel ashamed of

[@Mikkirobinson20]

The good news is I’m glad I found your channel and I look forward to next month’s broadcast. The bad news is I wish I would have found this earlier because the vulnerability presentation really spoke to me. Thank you

[@GoddessRena214]

Thank for sharing! I truly enjoyed it

[@Paeoniarosa]

Very helpful, Thank you.

[@foreverdragonfly88]

loved this

[@milenadanyo3637]

I loved the conversation!

[@nicolegarcia7011]

I love your soul, your cognitive process to communicate knowledge and experience in a way is so easy to understand. Thank you very much, I think vulnerability is present in every stage of the relationship when is genuine.💚

[@roku6ix]

"everything can be said. nothing must be said"

[@victoriagrow30]

I really enjoyed this video!! Thank you very much!

[@thewaters7231]

what a valuable video

[@EmiliaHypnosis]

I love you Esther 💗😘

[@ofeliapinoliar9675]

Am learning a lot, thanks

[@williameybers52]

great advice. thankyou fromNY

[@JennJ2701]

I am a fan of you Esther. Greetings from Switz. I passed your videos to a friend based in SF. "Vulnerability is a gift not a given." Understood.

[@iselamonterrosas5716]

32:10 resonated with me 100%.

[@MindLifeFlow]

Hi- such an interesting video Esther - thank you for doing this and making it readily available to all! In Private Practice as a Clinical Psychologist, I find so many people seek therapy for relationship difficulties. Your strategies are very interesting

[@nitaBist]

I am afraid of my partner relying on my strength, not looking at my need to be shelter and protected,to just be female,feminine. I am already constantly having to be the warrior ,my need for safe harbor is the type of intimacy I seek.

[@ephajanke3242]

As hard as it sounds but you are the one wo must stop acting strong. Because the job is already assigned by you.

[@kristieoliver6750]

A real man provides and protects the woman he Love M.A.N=meets all needs..be because Love is an action word

[@petrasolomayer4028]

Oh wie toll. Sie sprechen so gut Deutsch. Bin ein riesen Fan ihrer Videos. Lg Petra aus Bayern

[@outofnaija]

Great video. Love is risky. It takes faith. It requires vulnerability. There is nothing we can do to guaranty we will get what we want but we have to be bold enough to go for it to have a chance. This is why I think having faith in God really helps the dynamics in a relationships much because you are trusting someone who you know has your best interest at heart to help you navigate the uncertainty of another relationship. Even if the new relationship doesn't work, you can still hold on to your "first love". This should give some confidence/boldness to try. To be vulnerable. I am not saying it is easy but faith in God surely helps.

[@doesitmatter9022]

This is so very true.

[@SpectrumOfChange]

I want to add for anyone reading that it doesn't need to be a belief in a god that is the greater relationship and love. It can be many different things, that a relationship with that thing carries, builds us up, and makes us strong.

[@Gigiyoungerme]

Thank you

[@macolga100]

I just love this accent :)) Such a wonderful English!

[@chilloften]

So interesting. 😘

[@mscarol1901]

I am trying to heal from my husband's infidelity. I need him to become vulnerable with me so I can learn to trust him, again.

[@beebuzz959]

I wish you the best with this!

[@johndonaldson3619]

No Carol, you need him the be honest with you...that may mean asking him for some very VERY painful answers you may not like to hear...are you ready for this?

[@mscarol1901]

@@johndonaldson3619 Yes, I definitely need his honesty. But I also need him to be able to talk about his feelings and that is a part of being honest. Thank you for commenting!

[@giftfromabove2107]

@@johndonaldson3619 what type of questions? I am also trying to heal from betrayal by my partner. I really want to know where i belong in my relationship but will my partner actually be truthful?

[@beebuzz959]

@@giftfromabove2107 you're the one who has to live with it, so you can take advice from others, but you get to decide. It's hard, but the most important honesty you need is from yourself and to act on it. Good luck! I wish you the best!

[@dakeesherpa2355]

Yes Brene Brown 😊

[@elikhani1699]

JE’TAIM ESTHER

[@shiraeyong4571]

You're a queen of relational intelligence..

[@mariairiarte2015]

que bueno encontrarte y escucharte ,en lo personal y profesional un concepto y una experiencia para pesquisar en nuestros vinculos ,hoy!!que efectos tiene en nuestras relaciones dejar sin advertirla .saludos desde argentina .

[@craigschorn]

Hi Esther, Could you post your later Reframing Vulnerability session, I'd really love to listen again.

[@falishaali3927]

The invitation of being vulnerable is not an issue, but being vulnerable yourself is an issue when being in a relationship with a narcissistic person. Being trampled on with your vulnerabilties, can a relationship work with a Narcissit?

[@hgfw9295]

I said to my boyfriend when he was away: I miss you. He answered: thank you looool It was pretty much the end of our relationship

[@indonesiamenggugat8795]

❤❤

[@2rhythms]

I like your definition much better

[@BaseballDadAz]

Hi Ester, Thank you for considering this. You navigate these matters so effortlessly- I hope you will make an attempt to address in a video, sometime. I’m 53. Divorced not by my choice since June ‘16, after 20 yrs married. 3 kids, 21,19,17. I’m in a constant low level mourning w all that my kids are robbed of. My ex was became a hidden, random-ONS-addicted cheater for 3 years before SHE began the D process Thanksgiving 2014. The impact of her deception and lying seems to be attached to me still. I don’t know how to get out of these stories of my life - I’m so lifeless, as infidelity with unaccountability has won. The mourning of my family’s unstopped destruction makes me unable to have hope, to give myself to someone, to engage them fully, lightheartedly, creatively, to name just a few dead places in my heart. How can I live again when my life was only about my kids having the intact loving heroes they need to see a model of??

[@rudylarose]

Does anyone know where I can find the video she talks about in the beginning about writing the letters?

[@Sharingtheknowledge1]

Como se puede reparar cuando se ha roto la confianza cuando la pareja ha usado informacion que se ha compartido?

[@kolour.room.katrine]

How can i invite by Partner to be vulnerable, when he hasnt had a partner before me? And so when i start with my experiences, i cant invite really reciprocity..

[@rachaelpollack3842]

Did you explain to Jada how inappropriate her ig post of her husband was?

[@Tomes23]

That is why I’m here. I had to see for myself.

[@marianneh1868]

Is it safe to be vulnerable if you don’t have emotional safety established first?

[@montroseringler494]

Vulnerability is what you describe as being unsafe. It's the bravery to allow yourself to reason with trust again... You can do it. 💪💪💪. Love to you!

[@Erica-222]

Take baby steps knowing there is no finish line and no rush. Getting to know yourself can help you develop emotional safety...and then practice with others...a little at a time...also, keeping a personal journal of your feelings and how you are developing them and growing yourself is wonderful to look back on and see your progress.

[@tourbike]

Hiya, one question, how can people dump their fears or feelings of worry without burdening their partner?

[@miut7995]

I was told by my ex that not disclosing trauma is lying and being selfish.. is that the case? I’m very confused.

[@heartspacerelaxations6924]

WHAT is you tried many times before asking. And had a point blank no, with a plausible reason, which you think is insincere. I feel my wife has one emotional reason that is hidden to her, and one that is known to her, for declining a request. I don’t want to psychoanalyse her, but I have my needs, I’m more or less resigned to the fact that it won’t ever be met. It became an obsession, because it felt so unfair. I now realise people are complex and partly a mystery to themselves and others. Do I give up on my wish (not a absolute need), do I offer my perceived explanation of why I suspect she may be motivated away from my request, or do I simply keep asking and expect a different outcome? PS. This is not gaslighting. But From what I know of my beloved for 25+ years, her childhood and everything she has told me.

[@yasminabaker4957]

My husband has abandoned me many times

[@boddieconstruction1493]

Are there any studies that link masterbation to poor performance Asante older man?

[@DaxXadify]

Virgos and Scorpios are not really vulnerable, considerate and sensitive. They come across as cold.

[@itsaplantlife9850]

Guess I've been lucky then, as I haven't experienced that from Virgos though yes from Scorpios.

[@urbanart7325]

I am a Virgo and I am overly sensitive

[@gravecode]

Maybe, Just maybe signs are absolute bull.

[@HeatherFaraMS]

Discarding maturity of 1/5 of the world’s population based on a single point of evidence? Belief systems like that are notorious for justifying a lack of introspection. When you find yourself “othering” good people who don’t meet narcissistic wants or black and white thinking, warning. You adopted a belief system that supports your worst self, not your best.

[@thisgustin]

Writing a letter to our ex? That seems unnecessary and risky for our growth. I don’t know about that Esther.

[@gangapoornima]

You do not really have to send it, write it first........that will give a lot of fresh insights and make you stronger.

[@rafeeqwarfield9690]

@@gangapoornima yes I think this is the point

[@sakinasteuns9473]

loving à gay friend ....how to be open en vunerable to go for friendship,

[@thetruther954]

Esther. You are usually on this guy's or that guy's channel. The paradox of masculinity, the happiness mandate, this series, they were Esther Perel productions. The first two, pretty close together as well. I think maybe 2 weeks and the other 3 weeks old. I'm trying to get your attention. I should go in and look for replies. Haven't done that yet. I would like to work on some intimate stuff. As you can imagine, I'd prefer not to do it in the middle of you and another guy. Why does that not make sense? You may say "bring your wife in", this is not for you and me. Perfectly fine, perfectly understandable. But I could be good for you, if you were following, just like I have things for Jordan Peterson, a man who has seem to have tried everything. We can bring my wife in, you can tell her how to be. Whether you will get through or not, I don't know. We have a close relationship, I like to think, but there are things she can't handle, no fault of her own. Being happy, being intimate with you could help my wife do better. If I do the right thing, if I treat you the right way. You, me and my wife? Never been into threesomes, professional or not. John.

[@thefadedone8192]

If will and jadas testimonial means anything...then u are a terrible person.

[@tarugardiner4287]

I've given up on trust and relying on others , too many disappointments and let downs , ain't worth the drain or energy , pissed around too many times , many have their own motives and treat me like I'm a fool or their puppet , that use gas lighting and mind control games and tactics , can't be arsed anymore . Can't live or even associate with these types of folk .

[@alexgere529]

relations is just scarifying or just stay single. This is with everything what you do in your life, concerning children , friends, ect.....

[@tarugardiner4287]

This is such baby psychology and advise , any one who has experienced life and know your self and studied your self and others it's obvious , human behaviour is not that hard to understand , if you know how sheep operate then you ain't far off human psychology or behavioural patterns or traits .