A Lesson in Listening: The Day I Lost My Therapeutic Stance and Snapped - Letters from Esther Live

Therapy is filled with surprises. Sometimes a beautiful intervention falls flat. Other times, a cringe-worthy tone or reaction ends up landing exactly where it needs to land. It is an unknown that every therapist lives with.
On this particular day, I wanted to understand how long this couple had been stuck in a cycle of hearing each other without listening. But with the speed at which their cycle of blame, attack, counter-attack, and dismissive eye rolls unfolded, I began to experience dysregulation myself. And I snapped. I did exactly what they were doing to each other-I heard their words but I wasn’t listening.
In this workshop, we’ll unpack the difference between listening and hearing-a critical distinction in developing a foundation of effective communication in your relationships. And, yes, even therapists need this reminder too.
I’ll be discussing this month’s newsletter on Listening.
Letters from Esther Perel is a monthly newsletter and free workshop series created to help you deepen your connections through reflection and action. Sign up for the series here: bitly.com/lettersfromesther

[@RaheelaBarkat]

I didn’t even notice when esther “snapped” lol 😂 it felt polite to me

[@christinagiannaros9817]

Same here, I was waiting for an intense outburst. Nope.

[@kabysummit5801]

She has learned to regulate herself

[@fayeharrop9835]

Same here

[@solochica81]

Me too

[@MementoMoriProductions]

Honest, human, raw, and profound. Love your work and so grateful you exist on this planet.

[@sharrdashah3807]

You said what needed to be said. A therapy session is not a theoretical exercise…

[@orthhaus5263]

Esther makes our world a more beautiful place to be. I am never disappointed after watching her talks

[@carimedwin9120]

Esther you are complete F.....n amazing, I am a therapist for over 40 years and I am so 🙏 for you and your Brilliance 💖

[@sn7miller]

"Hearing the words for the purpose of rebuttal". Powerful statement right there! I'll be borrowing that one. (Will return it when done)

[@pandaprophetable]

I heard the specific podcast a while ago and when I read “the time I snapped” I thought you were referring to that episode. I am a therapist myself and the way you explained the parallel process you were going through made me reflect on the clients that pull me into their dysfunctional dynamic and it has taken, for me, quite a bit of reflection to recognize when I lose control. Love this conversation

[@coffeeetiquette3365]

When one is angry it’s difficult to think and act clearly and fairly… I also need to work on this , so yes very relatable!!

[@ivorydelights]

I love your insight on 'If they're not listening, may it be that they don't feel heard?'

[@patjack17]

"The context assigns the meaning." The vantage points and conditions truly effect the outcome.

[@CrystalRose333]

Just discovered you on Facebook 3 days ago. Since then I've listened to every available podcast, read as many blogs as possible, ordered your books, & literally made positive changes overnight. You are beyond intelligent & a life saver in so many ways. Thank you for all your wisdom 🖤

[@eviechick3520]

Esther~ Wanted to thank you for bringing our awareness to such a critical skill in communicating. It takes such courage to be so open-this is very inspiring. I love how you model this. Here's to us all becoming the partner we'd love to meet!❤❤❤ Thanks!

[@ml.9172]

I really love direction given by my therapist... sometimes I just need help articulating myself. I do not believe you were hard. Direct, yes.

[@collinschimamkpa4790]

[phone]⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,

[@sofia7374]

It’s very difficult not to get sucked in to other people’s toxic and unhealthy behaviors, even as an unbiased therapist I’m sure. Your self reflection is what makes an exceptional therapist!

[@dharmakaurkhalsa3923]

My Teacher used to say: you need to meet the person you are talking to where they are at (frequency), because that is the language they understand. From there you move to uplifting. In my mind that is exactly what happened here. You became a mirror which created exactly the "awakening" that was needed. Because of their entanglement, they would have never heard you if you had not spoken "their" language. You created consciousness, which is where any healing and transformation starts to be possible. Sometimes that might require a less "graceful" approach.... 😊

[@SkyPirate51]

Oh, how I wish so much I had had these insights when my now ex-wife and I were in couples counseling.

[@rdgist]

Very valuable talk! Thank you Dr Perel.

[@77vagabundo]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I think it is very important for us, beginners, to see that even an experienced therapist have a session which they don’t feel too good about.

[@Jack-ud5oj]

Esther. Why is it that you feel this was “bad” therapy?.....it some times happens directness with people is exactly what is called for.....and authenticity is always welcome....it was perfect....and obviously your clients agree. Flexibility in new circumstances trumps following a counselling formula every time! Love your work.

[@barbarabraun1273]

Thank you sooo much Esther, amazing talk!!!!❤️🌲

[@maryowen7665]

Your wisdom and kindness is so healing and helpful. Thanks for all you do and share.

[@valmaosborne4998]

Always such useful n life changing information. Thank you so much

[@lindafowler3614]

I think your reaction was not at all terrible.

[@rekanagy6080]

I appreciate your honesty💓 Thank you for opening up about your own challenging moments

[@shehnazkeshwani1844]

I really try to understand you with all of me. I make it a point to listen whenever your clip pop ups. You are just too great in your field and I think, you reach out to masses. Looking forward for more.

[@swishsdaug]

That audio clip was powerful. I respect your experience and knowledge is astounding and showing a human side of yourself makes you more respected in my eyes. My one word is, "Real".

[@akshatsharma1021]

This is just brilliant. So helpful!

[@nsanenthembrane]

As a student whose doing my counselor practicum I can’t tell you how helpful this is for me and Esther thanks for your self critique but that was a really tough session so give yourself grace as well! ♥️

[@gr8hndz4u]

Esther Perel, I applaud you for your own critiquing yourself 💞🙏💞...we all need to do this...to learn. Non- Violent Communications also uses the ,x,y,z...when you do ___, in a specific situation ____,I feel ,I get.____.

[@natashaparry4468]

This is such a helpful lesson

[@valentinapoenaru1716]

I love you! the real advice you give and how real you are I just simply 😍

[@RoseannPascaleMSLMFT]

Wow......thank you for sharing your vulnerability with us...definitely feels validating.

[@collinschimamkpa4790]

[phone]⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,

[@mursitasari4895]

AW

[@Paartherapeut_EricHegmann]

Thank you very much. Very helpful. Been in this situation with clients for myself and your way to handle it afterwards is very motivating and inspiring. Also the x y z exercise is something also for the therapist to remember in a session …

[@neenadorsey6554]

Ester is BRILLIANT, LOVE LOVE HER

[@martinagreen5651]

to have your feelings less challenged by the other, it is helpful to state "true" feelings instead of thoughts/pseudo-feelings. non-violent communication provides lists of the differences and it makes a world of difference :) you also add your needs following the feelings, which makes you even more transparent to the other. if this resonates with you, search for the four steps of non-violent communications - cause words can create miracles, that's a promise :)

[@collinschimamkpa4790]

[phone]⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,

[@bardoteachings]

Beautiful dress! Thank you for the tips on healthier communication practice

[@ALEX-by1dt]

Absolutely love your channel and really do find your coaching very helpful in my relationship, which is very intense and complicated. My partner has borderline personality disorder, social phobia, generalised anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. Your approaches don't always work for us personally but I really would love it if you could do a video for those in relationships and/or in caring positions for those with mental health struggles. (You may have done already but still haven't had time to watch all your content, so apologies if you have). ❤️

[@lightnindawn7710]

Imagine how much conflict could be avoided in all areas of life if we were taught these things in school when we learn about sentence structure. It's an absurdly simple tweek that can result in such a profound difference in the way we relate to each other. I can't wait to use this the next time I need to be heard. Thank you Esther. I think you're great!

[@milenakisel2855]

Esther your the best I always love your advice!!! Your Great!!!!

[@dr.florence]

I enjoy this although I think one can and should argue with feelings: My dad is a narcissist and my ex-partner has BPD - yes, they feel their feelings but that's through their traumatised screens and filters! On an objective level, they have had a neutral interaction, but their hypersensitivity makes them register an offence where there is none. Those kinds of disorders don't "behave" according to usual "rules". You can't come to then with positive life-affirming communication.

[@therapycred948]

It takes a lot of courage to share this moment with us, thank you. As a clinical supervisor, I talk about the right use of power all the time. Most new therapists UNDERUSE their power but I wonder if seasoned therapists may be more likely to OVERUSE it. There have been times when I have fallen into this trap and when I do, it's always instructive, humbling, and yes...painful. In my view, the right use of power as a therapist is when we use our power to help our clients find, access and use their own.

[@davidwilliams9302]

Esther, it was *THIS* day! My experience is when I *do* have an emotional blow up like this, the rest of the day, I am SPENT. So much emotional drain.

[@celenasingh4774]

So grateful for this workshop🙏

[@collinschimamkpa4790]

[phone]⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,

[@milliejohnson-realtorandla1475]

I didn’t see anything wrong. I have had my therapist get firm I needed it.

[@chayoluna1351]

This is so good. Thank you

[@collinschimamkpa4790]

[phone]⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,

[@anua9061]

A very interesting way to put accross your message and what you want people to understand and practice.

[@PaulineBro100]

Well done, a very interesting interview. I ask people to say how they feel without saying how the other person made them feel. There are too many things happen during growing up that can cause a simple remark as an attack.

[@geraldrodriguez1731]

Thank You

[@CortniGrange]

XYZ statements! I love it. Most definitely taking this into my practice

[@aileenmcruz3589]

This is so powerful. I travel a lot throughout the US. I watched this from Georgia. Loved this live session. I have a problem interjecting in conversations a lot when it is a heated argument. Thank you Esther!! I'm learning. =)

[@collinschimamkpa4790]

[phone]⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,

[@aileenmcruz3589]

@@collinschimamkpa4790 You need to stop scamming people. Shame on you!!

[@dipikapatel8143]

Listening with ❤, and slowing down the thoughts helps

[@collinschimamkpa4790]

[phone]⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,

[@bettycarmella1127]

I just love you Esther🤗❤❤❤

[@randomperson-cw7hs]

Esther, thank you😁😁😁👌👌👌.

[@johndonaldson3619]

As a crisis support volunteer, 'self care' form a critical part of remaining effective in our role

[@shakiraghaff4084]

Thank you so much for teaching us how to reason with our partner.

[@dulceorellana335]

Thanks for sharing this experience! When you go to therapy, you go to get some guidance to put some order, coherence &; attunement in your thoughts, feelings & actions. In relation, to your question, when I have been in similar situations, I am not listening to. When I want to bring some thing up, I have learned to express the purpose of the conversation.

[@neelamrani154]

superb

[@ashwinaluchetti8076]

Love you Esther

[@90_sGirl]

Oh my God this is a Godsend.

[@hollishibbert4069]

I reacted to idea of the woman jumping on top of the spouse’s words. Let him communicate! I thought you were on point.

[@ThePickleJuiceGuy]

Welcome back

[@collinschimamkpa4790]

[phone]⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,

[@acres2147]

Anna Runkel's channel, "The Crappy Childhood Fairy", talks about emotional dysregulation and how to regulate yourself so that when triggers come you don't react, but have the clarity to respond better.

[@dericflairmultiverse4952]

I'm here because Esther Perel is the best lol

[@fr.minchfabio]

Reasoning includes making judgments based on info or enough data otherwise we end up judgmental. Or we jump to a conclusion. The process is as important as the correctness of the content of the conclusion.

[@sfleischer1336]

I listened to this episode and found myself SUPER irritated with both the husband and wife. I don’t blame her at all. The wife was domineering and controlling and kept speaking for him, and the husband was meek and stuttering.

[@tgtg4512]

Example: my partner has the habits to take objects I use every day and misplace them. He knows I don't like to waste time (I'm pretty busy person), but TO HIM it's not important. Many times I told him how I feel, but he always emphasises that it's not big deal! As a pretty efficient person, it is. This attitude he transfers to other sphere of life too. I don't feel heard and totally uncared for! What am I supposed to do? (BTW, we never argue about money or sex).

[@miyukishouse4647]

My es and I were like this couple. Thought listening to him is part of losing argument battle. He never gave me the moment to finish my sentences. Needless to say, we are divorced happily ever after.

[@collinschimamkpa4790]

[phone]⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,

[@feathernorth]

That top is fire.

[@marianeculek3261]

I would be irritated too. My husband does this to me when he's been drinking. I stop talking, move on, then circle back. I have a coworker who does it and I get after her about it because I am her boss and I am trying to teach her something. PS she is a retired grade school teacher 🤗I think sometimes people want to just vent but don't realize it and the person they are venting to tries to help and an argument starts...

[@dericflairmultiverse4952]

Esther Perel snapping is like so undetectable lol

[@jJust_NO_]

ive been feeling this blah for a while now and when i think about something to do, i have many things in mind yet what i really want is to have a meaningful conversation, a genuine human connection with someone. i sense its hard to find it these days. its like human connection is getting obsolete. we are mostly comfortable to do it via the virtual world. whenever i go to my friends, the interaction is becoming superficial. only the internet is the noisy one, and has the ability to tug at my emotions. even my memories have become chaotic or disorganized. its like im so fed up with all these information and to find meaningful/ rich thing to do, i cant find any. i dont know if anybody can relate to this. maybe because im an isolated case since i live alone and been single for awhile. all i know is internet info is no longer giving me excitement

[@lcclark1307]

Esther’s other videos have a good idea: make yourself responsible for making your dreams come true. Join a club of like minded people who share common interest. Nature? Join hiking group. History? Join a history group. Check local museums for common interests and join a group. Maybe a walking group with like minded and like ages. Enjoy!

[@coffeeetiquette3365]

When I have something to input or share with you and cannot feel you express interest , I feel like you don’t care or value about my thoughts that I am a tiny part of your life. This hurts

[@cortesinteligenteslegendad4181]

Esther, thank you for the video! Please transform your card game into an app for Android and Apple!!! All the world can use it faster! Hugs from Brazil!

[@farimahshirmohammadi4249]

Hi Esther! Can you please talk on one of your episodes about addiction to pornography and its inoact on intimate relationships? This is a topic that few has talked about. Thanks

[@countrystix]

Look up Sarah McDugal

[@chilloften]

When you do x, in situation y, I feel z.

[@andrekrossouw7802]

When your partner/wife agrees reluctantly to go with you to such a session, but with a pre-loaded mind of what she will throw at you in the session, it is a recipe for disaster...even if the therapist tries her best to keep the playing field level and want to give both of us an even chance to talk and air our concerns....then work on a development plan to clear the problems....it is hard work, all three in the session to give open and honest time and participation... Sad to say if the one have already made up her mind....then there is little to do to solve...rather then split up....

[@coffeeetiquette3365]

Unfortunately I do interrupt especially if feeling judged, targeted and belittled , so yes I can relate to this couple. It’s very frustrating to want to experience in every way with your partner and you believe they don’t see your desire or need . What’s your best advice to change my Interrupting behaviour? I do want joy with my partner whom I love deeply

[@leonardascorpius5304]

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND YOU. I used to get hyper defensive in arguments with my exes I really loved and cared about. Today, after TONS of crappy life stuff, having/raising my own child, therapy, spiritual evolution, and most of all, heal my heart from the difficult parents I grew up with, as well as the negative/outdated/unfit-for-me mental control they still seem to have over me from time to time. The main trick I learned recently was to BREATHE and count down from 5 to 1 as soon as I start to feel misunderstood, judged, and disrespected by the other person. I also know how to better pick my battles and draw the line/boundaries when necessary. In other words, I let things go as soon as I remind myself how imperfect I am in other ways my partner may not be. And I make a concerted effort to really listen, repeat to clarify what he said, then state my opinion/feelings based on facts/actions that took place, with no dramatics or exaggeration. Just a suggestion that's salvaged and improved my current relationship numerous times. 🤗

[@ameyakolhe4838]

Sometimes all one needs is a good scolding from a third person.

[@Torcher999]

This approach sounds very similar to NVC.

[@barfootista]

Anyone ideas to the statement of being too much entangled, like Esther said, when one partner mentions a feeling, the other one very quickly thinks it’s a blame and reacts. It’s so hard to have an exchange in this mode. What can help this? What to do when there are no boundaries, no healthy boundaries?

[@revabbyjoovitsky5152]

When you suddenly raise your volume, I feel vulnerable. I know sound can hurt me. Z: Would you be willing to signal me before you raise your volume so I can move away? Would you be willing to watch my signal to you that the sound/volume is hurting me?

[@nhuddy]

What's episode was that couple from??

[@lindarhoads9101]

Does one have a better grasp at the art of listening if they have a second language as well. One would think that the hearing is done simultaneously within the two language spectrum and perhaps interpretation is enhanced toward the logical. My thought it may give one the time to really hear because the mechanism for restructuring the X,Y & Z, is twofold. I have no idea why, I thought of this, it's probably an unproductive question. Thank You

[@kirstinstrand6292]

Two languages thinking together, simultaneously is how many systems function and communicate - even on microbiome levels. So yes! The two language hypothesis is appropriate!

[@jessica68443]

I love your videos! ♥Do you have a video about how to deal with the mental load women face? I didn't find one

[@StellaInChains]

Aren't these the same pricipals of NVC? (nonviolent communication)

[@collinschimamkpa4790]

[phone]⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,

[@coffeeetiquette3365]

Where can I find the XYZ exercise explained to help us both

[@chilloften]

When you do x, during y, I feel z.

[@marianeculek3261]

I try to listen when I realize I'm not

[@lianehartnagel4201]

My honest reaction to the session: Rude. Someone who has difficulty expressing himself and does not appear confident was put down by the two women in the room for his method of expression. He may have felt that the two of you were “ganging up” against him.

[@sethpeters4552]

The point made around 14:40, about the patient Not listening because they haven't been hurt... When I was a younger man, I had difficulties with one of my younger brothers. A mentor of mine, a hairy legged older gentleman, told me that it would be in my best interest to physically get ahold of him one day and hurt him just a little bit in a tussle, that way he might always have a wary eye for when he had gone too far and might have to face the promise of pain from big brother. Now I know that's a younger man's game but it stems from an innate primal tendency to set the pecking order and standards of propriety across any species. The stove is hot. You may touch it, certainly, but understand that you will reap the consequences.

[@thisgustin]

Starts 2:45

[@edireiff4979]

I have been in the gent's place because I am with a very defensive person

[@satchel888]

Which part was considered cringe?

[@christinagiannaros9817]

Is triangulation covered, this I see abounds in myself and others. Complain about the person instead of talking to them, avoidance of confrontation.

[@gacem.hassina]

En dirait q’Il y’a de la rancune du côté de l’homme et de l’incompréhension du côté de la femme ( car elle est affectée sentimentalement) . Entre les deux c’est très difficile de garder son calme , c’est comme une tornade elle prends tout sur son chemin.

[@claudineodonoghue461]

I think I am the woman in the clip :(

[@dariasurkaeva1690]

When we have the same conversations over the phone and you show up sleepy or I feel your boredom then I feel irritated and that confuses me . I love you , but at those moments I just don't wanna talk with you .

[@m2pozad]

It's clear. This is an eviscerated male, so totally cowered by the female dominated room and social dynamic, that the females become contemptuous of his defensiveness, on both the couple's financial situation impasse, and his overly deferential communication style.

[@conanseecharan1907]

Hey am a new subscriber..do you believe in God?

[@collinschimamkpa4790]

[phone]⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,

[@odar9729]

Americans lol

[@collinschimamkpa4790]

[phone]⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,

[@katherinesilvestri6954]

Late to this work shop, but I had streamed this episode when it came out. My reaction to Esther's sternness with the couple was that it did not incorporate for the economic disparity between parties. However, it seemed much more necessary to address the communication breakdowns between the couple, such that this couple could functionally speak about the economic struggles (or lack thereof) of their partnership. It seemed like Esther had recognized this soon enough to really help these people in a very short amount of time. I was moved to see the rawness and realness of this session because it normalized the process of working through significant (possibly completely external - i.e. financial) problems, which become embedded in such personal ways that we find harder to take stock of during the lens of the moment. Coming out the other side of these kinds of problems deepens the bond of a partnership in a whole new way. Huge Esther fan of many years, so grateful for the work you do and that you give everyday people access to life-changing therapeutic insights. It helps more than you can imagine :')

[@collinschimamkpa4790]

[phone]⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,