Is Boredom A Deactivating Strategy for Avoidant Attachment Styles?

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In this video, I’m going to talk about Is Boredom A Deactivating Strategy for Avoidant Attachment Styles?
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[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

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[@sam-fz9mb]

I’m interested in people subconsciously feeding/creating boredom in a relationship by refusing opportunities for fun / trips etc almost in a defensive manner. I’ve definitely experienced a DA creating this dynamic, which results in less relationship satisfaction for everyone involved!

[@tulip5210]

I feel called out

[@natalia.grandi]

Thais, I am convinced you are an angel. I enrolled in the Personal Development School, i just watched the first video and I'm mindblown. I learned so much about myself and my relationship in just a few minutes. You are gonna change the world!

[@blaquemann9398]

This is so like me. In hindsight, I might very well have weaponized it in order to get the other to "disconnect".

[@dancerfeet21]

Wow! Thank you so much for answering my questions! I feel like I won a lottery in a sense! Thank you so much! All of your feedback was incredibly helpful! I really appreciate all that you have to share and have been eating it up (kind of obsessively) since discovering your videos and your school. I am currently taking the emotional reprograming course but I am definitely eager to take the discovering and embracing your emotional needs course! Thank you for all of your contribution! I'm so grateful for what you have to share!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for your great question! Happy to have you in the school :) -PDS team member

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

It was a wonderful question! Best of luck with your journey, you're certainly in good hands here :)

[@ElentariRose]

This video couldn't have come at a better timing! I'm FA and have been dating this secure guy for a month. He's very kind and communicative and we have a great time together, but on every date I get this feeling of immense boredom partway through. It's very confusing and I've wondered whether it meant I had to stop dating him. I don't have feelings for him yet (it always takes me a few months to get there anyway), but I feel like the boredom is preventing me from developing them. I think I'm going to try to be more vulnerable next date. I'm constantly joking around with him and I just realised I do it as a way to keep him at a distance. Maybe if I try to be more vulnerable, the boredom will get less. If not, it might come from an unmet need and I'll probably have to move on from him, but I at least want to give it a go.

[@LS-vt5ot]

I dated at FA...i recommend that you be vulnerable and state your needs especially if your partner is creating an environment. Otherwise you risk losing him, he will feel disconnected and eventually walk because of not knowing what your needs are. I walked away from an FA after a year or so because of your reasoning. I wish the best, and thank you for being vulnerable online. Lots of love to you.

[@ElentariRose]

@@LS-vt5ot thank you for the advice! I'm in therapy and I'm taking things slow with dating, so I can take the time to work through my triggers with my therapist. It's still tough though. But it's good to get the perspective from the other side. Thank you!

[@LS-vt5ot]

@@ElentariRose great!!! It will be the best investment you could ever make! Your lover will appreciate you even more, if not, the next experience will be stellar for you, they’ll appreciate where you are and going! All the best

[@ElentariRose]

@@LS-vt5ot 😊 Thank you!

[@smileyface702]

This was a particularly strong video because it was so substantive in it's examination of the various causes of boredom in a relationship. Thanks for sharing!

[@sunshinestar6076]

I couldn’t help but smiling as you were reading the question...i guess i can relate a lot! I am boring..BOUM! Right on the money!!

[@moulee7448]

Thankyouuu thaiss...You are beautiful and so kind to help us all❤

[@pakirthanp5611]

Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

[@argelisluzardo1042]

I’m a 46% FA 44% DA and 10% secure by test and I have been in two long term relationships one 10+ years and looking back I have never passed the power struggle face and yes I feel boredom really often is so contradictory because I want emotional connection but to much gives me a flight response is quite confusing and pretty much draining I’ll try the school to see if this can help!

[@smonaful]

Sounds like my da ex of 2 days 😔

[@argelisluzardo1042]

@@smonaful I’m sorry about that

[@MsPaint1]

hope you are doing well Thais! ❤️

[@pych23]

Thais how people with insecure attachment style deals with a partner working in a military or government agencies i.e. they have to stay apart for a significant amount of time, infact they may not stay in touch sometimes. I understand for DA's it may not be a problem, what about AA or AP I wonder. Also, a situation vice versa.

[@SK-no2pp]

What should the other person do when the DA is deactivating?

[@roberttruman8444]

The only thing you can do..........nothing. Anything you do to try and remedy the deactivating will have the reverse effect. It's a bit like trying to escape quicksand by waving your arms and legs around. You have to back right off, not kick up a fuss, avoid trying to force conversation (it never works), and try your best to convince yourself and the DA that you are not bothered by their sudden unexplainable absence and pretend like you hadn't even noticed. The experts will say not to take things personally, and that you should spend the time on yourself and work towards becoming more secure. You should definitely spend the time on yourself, but admittedly it's very hard having to suddenly adjust your lifestyle in this way so as to distract yourself from the pain and anxiety it causes. I don't believe you could become perfectly secure while this is going on. The DA will likely not include you in their go-to circles of friends in addition to other distancing techniques they practise. The result is that you will always feel dispensable, and without a deep connection the risk of the DA losing interest is possible. I sympathise to a degree with the DA for how they've been programmed to feel, but at the same time it is they who need to get counselling and work towards a secure attachment stye far more that the anxious, because they appear to be the only style that can take someone who's secure and make them insecure. I don't see how an anxious and avoidant couple could expect to survive without the DA getting help.

[@chrissearcher3563]

I don't understand this question. I'm an FA. I've never felt bored in a relationship. I find this really interesting.

[@DinzyLinzy]

Lucky! As an FA, I’ve always felt chaos or bliss, in relationships. And anything in between, has felt like boredom.

[@acertree1980]

Please could you say the name of the course regarding Personality needs again. I've replayed the part over and over again but I still didn't get it. Many thanks ❣️🌟

[@CJ-jx6sv]

Discover, Embrace and Fulfill Your Personal Needs

[@NM-vs5lg]

❤️❤️

[@anber4129]

i do this.... hmm 🤔

[@vladimirsamsonov46]

First

[@aurinkobay7118]

LOL... i always felt BORED in a relationship .. first it is stagnation then boredom. I alway caught myself thinking "what should i learn / read next" or just spaced out. I never met anyone who felt the same way as I did until I heard that question from one of the members. Yup. the other person does not meet the core needs. It's exactly that. It's a huge turn off if a person I am with does not self-educate (whatever that is books, skills, etc) . Hard to find a guy who is mentally stimulating. Too bad Elon Musk is taken :) HA! the other thing is my career always requires to learn more and more everyday .. You let go of your skills for 6 months, you have to do a lot of mad dash catch up.

[@morehn]

If you want to create connection with someone, check out the game perfect matches. Many of my friends have recommended it and matchmakers, and this is coming from a Jewish background where many of us date for maybe a dozen times and we know very little about each other and are challenged with creating connection without spending 6 months or a few years of dating and learning enough about each other to determine whether we feel that we would make a good marriage together.