Why Do You Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries? | Fearful Avoidant & Anxious Attachment Styles

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In this video, I’m going to talk about Why You Feel Guilty After Setting Boundaries? (Fearful Avoidants & Anxious Attachments)
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

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[@Make1984FictionAgain]

Disappointing that it only works if you own a credit card..😔

[@Stella-cv4mc]

What helped me (FA) here is to realize that being dishonest with people is actually morally worse than setting a boundary. Like, when I say "yes" even though I mean "no", then I'm lowkey lying to the other person/lying to myself, and if anything, THAT "should make me feel more guilty" than setting the boundary should. Not that guilt is ever a useful emotion, but you know what I mean

[@CHK12319]

I make boundaries mean that I’m selfish for putting myself first. Its hard to break this belief because it seems partially true. Meanwhile, all the family members who tell me I’m selfish for my boundaries have no problem placing their needs over mine...

[@Stella-cv4mc]

I totally feel you. I like to view it like this: People-pleasing is not true selflessness, because it operates from the false self (the self we built to protect our traumatized inner child). So, whenever we are boundary-less trying to please someone else, we are not really being honest with them, which - technically - is not an act of moral high-ground haha. But also, in the long run, being boundary-less and people-pleasing is ultimately more selfish because we can't keep this boundary-less act on forever. After a while, we will inevitably grow resentful, then either we let out our anger on others or we abandon them. In the short term it may certainly seem like the more selfless behavior, but it's not completely honest and it's not sustainable. ^ Framing it like this helps me to feel less guilty whenever I say no to someone or something. I can see more clearly that the approach of honesty with self and others is ultimately for everyone the more altruistic and productive behavior =)

[@CHK12319]

@@Stella-cv4mc That's a really great way to frame it, thank you for sharing this :)

[@sufferplenty]

you're not alone with this by any means, i've been having to place more and more boundaries the older i get and especially when it comes to family members i feel the most selfish for standing up for myself. Setting boundaries sometimes leads the people i'm setting boundaries with to push harder making me have to do even more work and makes me feel even more bad about it, but if it's any ease to you. Know that it's probably better to say something than to not. By not setting a boundary you're basically communicating that you're okay with what's going on even if you're not. that is why it so so important. anyway your comment was from 7 months ago so hopefully you've gotten more comfortable with it now.

[@tashawilliams8093]

Usually how it is. SMH.

[@maddyharvey7414]

I just set a boundary with a friend- she cancelled on our plans TOMORROW because she foresaw that she might be sad and wanted her boyfriend to come over instead. It really upset me because she tends to put him first, and I often feel like I have to brush off my feelings to cater to her.

[@isthecarpetcomfortable9410]

I just for the first time in 4 years set a boundary with my partner. Codependent and pretty toxic, I realized I’m the enabler and he is the one that is dependent. I was abused as a kid so setting boundaries and sticking up for myself was a big no. I’m currently laying here in bed, anxious and crying and feeling super guilty. I hope this will pass.

[@Stella-cv4mc]

Hey my dear Thais, could you make a video on why FAs in particular don't even have a concept of boundaries in the first place? 😭 I literally never understood what boundaries meant, nor where mine potentially were, I had no concept of limits or inner order, because growing up I didn't get to develop a stable sense of self identity and no internal structure. Thanks to enmeshment trauma (which of course I couldn't identify) 🤦🏼‍♀️

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Check this video that Thais has made. It will give you insigh tinto your question: kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z17FXoCXlNpghJI -PDS team member

[@Stella-cv4mc]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 💯💯‼️❗🙏🏻🙏🏻 excellent!

[@suzstjohn_Z]

Wow, that simple suggestion was profound. I set a boundary and today I can barely get out of bed. I feel horrible physically and mentally. Not knowing why has me overwhelmed with over-thinking and wondering if I made a mistake. Watch this video. Ask myself your suggestion. What does this mean for me? My boundaries make me believe I am hurting the person I set a boundary with. Even though they have been hurting me to expose the lack of a boundary. Thanks for allowing me to replace the script repeating in my head with such a simple to use question. Believing I am hurting them is producing overwhelming guilt and shame.

[@user-or1ye3iz6d]

Same!! I just set the slightest boundary with the maintenance man at my apt complex. It was totally normal and minor. Yet, ever since, I have this overwhelming need to contact him and make sure he knows I wasn't trying to be rude. I'm trying to just forget it and move on by telling myself he's probably not even thinking twice about it... And if he is, that's on him bc the boundary was important for my life. Ugh, why can't I just be normal and move on?? 🤦🏼‍♀️

[@Katrica670]

@4:23 for some of us it's cause people dismiss our boundary by being disrespectful, arrogant and obnoxious so it scared us and made us feel bad by default! That was our reaction to their action! 😢😢

[@KM-oj4jk]

Right

[@junglecat4480]

when I was in middle school I was so distant from my family. mother would keep pushing me to do better by giving me more and more classes, course, tutors, vocal lessons, extracurriculars, etc. there was no single day in the week I have to just relax and be. 3 after school activities, tutor classes 3 days a week, english classes 2 days a week, vocal lessons in saturday , going to church and choir activities in sunday. sometimes during those class with the teacher, I just broke down and cry, because I felt overwhelmed. but remembering that when I cry, I would only be berated by my parents, I never speak my boundaries to them. I felt so guilty if I said no, so I usually ghost people and disappear for months. it happened a few times, and people losing trust in me. I think I start to change when my now bf said that if I don't want to do it, then I don't have to. and that is the first time I cried of happiness. I realize that people's expectation of me isn't as high as I do to myself. I'm allowed to say no, so I quit the choir group I was in (due to time and distance reasons). I'm starting to say no to taking responsibilities I can't handle, and I am more sure of myself now than I was before.

[@b-foe5266]

Its because I'm always called controlling after setting boundaries

[@HAHAVeryFunnyFasha]

omg same

[@xnflg3074]

Turns out shitty people love to gaslight non-shitty people.

[@HAHAVeryFunnyFasha]

@@xnflg3074 not a defense but half the time in my experience they don't know wtf they're doing tbh

[@xnflg3074]

@@HAHAVeryFunnyFasha Yeah but isn’t that also a problem? I mean sure, it makes them more pitiable than malicious but it’s still bad behavior. It’s just unfortunate they’ll probably never realize it

[@HAHAVeryFunnyFasha]

@@xnflg3074 oh totally. It sucks bc when you do try to offer them resources you are often looked at as self righteous and controlling. It sucks. I know some very decent ppl that have this problem and if they would just work on themselves they can be really great. But you can only lead a horse to water 💧

[@rebeccav7420]

What if an FA is expressing a lot of guilt about setting boundaries in an attempt to do something healthy but the boundaries seem to reinforce deactivating strategy?

[@grrlinglasses]

Thank you for this video. Helpful as always! The sound quality is fine.

[@rsamuels6969]

I’ve bought so many books and seen so many videos on boundaries but yours is the BEST explanation on them! I’m so excited to be enrolled in your school

[@dahaha1415]

I have been able to pin point things in the first 2 minutes that resonate to why it is I have struggked for years with setting boundaries. Than I have in the 3 years of therapy. Thank you!

[@PaigeYesLee]

Thank You Thais!! Hope your allergies are better for you ☺️

[@sunshinestar6076]

Unbelievable what we can do to avoid pain...

[@KM-oj4jk]

I'm with you on that, sheesh

[@fairy9749]

you are so much better than all these certified therapists! Keep up the good work ☺️ thanks

[@b_light]

I noticed almost every video something interrupts Thais’s speech :)) like sneezing, tight time, dog barking, phone vibrating, noise from opened windows haha

[@jessiesmith6335]

I do feel guilty a lot after a boundary

[@sophiafara5997]

I can relate x

[@pakirthanp5611]

I struggle to maintain my boundaries sometimes I forgot my boundaries I don't know why that happened 😭😭

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

keep practicing and being aware. Check in with yourself at the end of the day and see if there was a time you felt your boundary night have been violated. You can even practice visualizing next time how you will communicate it next time so your subconscious mind gets comfortable before you do it. Lastly practice with loved ones or close friends first. -PDS team member

[@yvettec.1680]

Thank you so much for explaining this! It makes so much sense 🙏🏼 I hope I’m not too late for the free trial

[@KM-oj4jk]

She said in a later video that folks in this position can email the team and they'll help you out 🙏

[@roni.cuh.9647]

Setting a boundary and finally having the courage to walk away have me feeling like a bad person. I keep thinking of my FA ex and how hurt he must be and the posible damage I've done to him. I feel guilt knowing he will possibly hurt and not trust the next person. This makes me feel so horrible. I can't shake it off. I feel like I've learned and still healing from my first heartbreak, never fully commiting to him because I wanted to feel safe that i wouldn't hurt again 😢

[@jamiew83831]

Parent continually calls me a B or mean and says “I don’t know where you came from” Whenever I try to express that my happiness is paramount and another’s happiness isn’t my responsibility. Guilt has been a tough feeling to overcome since the guilting comments are coming mainly from a parent. Rough stuff.

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

That's really hard, I'm sorry :( It's extra tough when coming from a parent, that's for sure. Fwiw, I think you're really courageous for trying to work on yourself and set boundaries for your own happiness. I wish you well as you navigate this tricky situation!

[@jamiew83831]

@@deuxquatresixhuit thank you so much. I’m grateful to have found this school so I can see that being “selfish” and setting boundaries isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I’ve learned so much.

[@tashawilliams8093]

SMH.

[@bobbyjean1581]

Great advice

[@ShadyDogg]

Hmmm, just a moment ago, after I engaged with my parents downstairs (who I suspect are Codependent and thus like to enmesh) and tried keeping up my boundaries... I went back upstairs and felt a level of self abdondonment, like there was some Enmeshment. Now what centered me back to myself was me realizing I got in reactive-mode. Cool, but I struggle seeing the connection between weak boundaries and reactivity... Do you happen to have an idea about that?

[@adinubila]

can you plz do a video on how to set them and how to respond those who try to make you feel bad about it?

[@sophiafara5997]

See you 2morrow Thais! x

[@marisaharris298]

Whose great idea was it to preview the courses? Bonus!👏

[@Kateranda]

Damn just missed the free trial when i rly needed something like this! If i wouldve just started rewatching videos a few days earlier

[@KM-oj4jk]

She said in a later video that folks in this position can email the team and they'll help you out 🙏

[@momione11]

I did that for the first time in my soon 50 years life.But i almost felt sick about doing that.

[@jessiesmith6335]

Yesss

[@raynaswete9474]

Hi is it at all possible to get access to the 7 day free trial for 7 days starting 2nd May? I have been following PDS for a while and love the you tube videos. Would really like to try the free trial but due to work commitments I can't start until 2nd May.

[@KM-oj4jk]

She said in a later video that folks in this position can email the team and they'll help you out 🙏

[@Nirosha101]

*How long does each pds course take to finish? Can someone give me a breakdown? How long does each video, each chapter and workbook exercise take to finish? If I plan to compete a course with 6 chapters in a month’s time, how much time should I plan to set aside per day/week?* How long wound it take for me to finish all the courses?

[@dreamcatcher9031]

Yes it would be helpful to know this. I signed up anyway and so far the info in the courses has been invaluable!! It doesn't say how long each of the different courses take before hand, though if you are signed up and click on 'enrol on a course', then you can see a breakdown of the videos (so far they've been 5-6 chapters, each with 1 or 2 videos in 10-20 mins chunks. I guess the time devoted to the workbooks varies on each individual. This info above relates to the communication course and the resolving conflict course, which me and my partner are doing together (I'm ap and he's da) . Hope this is of some help. Or u could email her team directly

[@blackpanter9572]

1:20 starts

[@AB-ir5dh]

What if you have a history of actually being abandoned by people you were in significant relationships with (parents/spouse) when setting boundaries? How do you trust that it won’t happen every time?

[@FruityHachi]

i'd reprogram "i am abandoned" core wound first and then cognitively reframe the belief that setting boundaries = abandonment, like saying things that if the other person is not able to respect my boundaries it reflects them not me, it reflects that they're not healthy emotionally, and that i deserve to be in a relationship with someone who respects my boundaries etc. things like that

[@AB-ir5dh]

@@FruityHachi That’s what I’ve been working on. Guess I’m on the right path. I just find myself afraid to move forward without the fear. Maybe I just need to be patient with the process. Thank you

[@FruityHachi]

@@AB-ir5dh yes it takes time to reprogram any fear you can tackle it with exposure-response reprogramming as well, starting setting small boundaries with anyone and then incrementally setting more and bigger boundaries and keep looking for pieces of evidence of when you set a boundary (doesn’t matter how small and with who) and you weren’t abandoned, so that you signal to your subconscious that it is possible to set boundaries and not be abandoned, that it is possible to find people who respect the other person’s boundaries

[@KM-oj4jk]

@@FruityHachi D***, this Emotional Mastery & Belief Reprogramming course is on point!

[@claudiarice8123]

Tried signing up for 7 day trial and it won't accept my Visa card. Guess thats just my luck these days. Really needed access this weekend since I'll be alone and have more time to checkout your courses. What a bummer.

[@spring12431]

Aww, that’s a bummer! I would reach out by email to see if someone can help you out if you haven’t already.

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

Seconding this, don't give up! I'm trying it out too and it's fantastic!! I will definitely stay after the trial is done :)

[@claudiarice8123]

just had to call bank and ok it for online purchase. They have great fraud protection.

[@spring12431]

@@claudiarice8123 Glad you were able to get it sorted out! Hope you enjoy your trial. I've been a member for since since last September and it's such a great resource with a wonderful community.

[@EURIMAKEUPTUTORIALS]

I'm reteaching people how to treat me.

[@nataliaestrella8609]

3:51

[@t1sg]

Talk slower please

[@aislingcooney1404]

I have to unsubscribe. You have good content but your microphone and sound is terrible! Sounds echoed. Listen to ‘the love chat’ or ‘the dating guy’ Their sound is very soothing. Get the microphone they have. Sorry but it’s true 🤷‍♀️

[@annetteprestia9647]

I have zero issue with the sound

[@tucky3191]

No problems here w sound

[@enarcmcfly]

If Thais were my friend, I would order her a custom t-shirt that says "I Sneeze Through April" 🤣 it was how she said it. It was endearing lol

[@KM-oj4jk]

I read your comment as she said the same thing it in the video. The timing made me literally lol! #coincidence

[@enarcmcfly]

So I did the secure thing and set a boundary, but I got ghosted for it. There was a strong attachment there. Basically abandoned to stay in context. Full disclosure: I set the boundary while doing the work in the school. So now I have this even stronger association that boundaries are bad- and that implementing what I've learned here is unsafe I catch myself thinking that playing sassy dumb games always yields better results. I know logically that isn't true. But I don't know how to get past that. Any advice?

[@princesspat5239]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y4bUcoloarSaiLM i just finished watching a video about ghosting and i think this might help you

[@enarcmcfly]

@@princesspat5239 thank you that's very thoughtful. I'll check it out. I am aware that ghosting is about what's going on with them and not because I did anything wrong. I think I've just lost faith in humanity tho lol. I can feel the resistance to doing further personal development. It's already hard enough to meet people, let alone becoming significantly more emotionally intelligent than 98% of the population. It just feels unsafe to implement any of it.

[@enarcmcfly]

@@princesspat5239 that was very good. I agree with all the points presented in the video and have considered each of them since this happened. My ability to process this logically doesn't seem to change how I feel about dating moving forward, however :-/

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

@@enarcmcfly I'm having a similar feeling, that becoming more self-aware can make you feel like you have fewer people to relate to. But even though I don't have high hopes that I can meet someone I vibe with securely, I still feel that the worst kind of loneliness is being with someone who is physically there, but not emotionally. Who knows what will happen 5, 10, 30 years into the future? I'm working on creating a beautiful life for myself right here and now, and accepting that loneliness is part of the human experience. Sending you love ❤️ (and that makes me feel a little less lonely!)

[@princesspat5239]

@@enarcmcfly hello, im not a therapist but it sounds that this is an internal problem that you have resistance dealing with. If you understand what ghosting is then you have sufficient resources to move on, so it's time to make use of what you know and fight against what isn't working for you. We have all experienced ghosting, loss of friends and breakups but we can control what happens next. Am i a victim or a victor ? All the things that are worth it in our lives take mental power and effort. AND TIME! I'll be honest i actually stopped watching Thais channel once i knew enough about FAs because I improved but everytime i watched another video i felt like i didn't progress at all and i was still an FA. There's always something new..... So i stopped and applied the shit and came back after months of developing. Take 1 thing at a time. You will see progress and not discouragement.