Why Do Dismissive Avoidants Breadcrumb? What You Need To Know

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Healthy and Secure Relationships with/for the Emotionally Unavailable Person (Dismissive Avoidant Re-programming Course)
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In this video, I talk about why the dismissive avoidants breadcrumb and what you need to know.
How do you meet your needs when you've found out someone you're dating is just giving you bread crumbs?
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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#BreadCrumbing #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #PDS #ThaisGibson #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #CoreWounds
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[@lara-fruehling]

This - for me - might be the most important video you ever put out here. What hurts more than the lack of intimacy, communication and relationship work from my ex-partner is that I allowed to be treated this way. Now having ended things, I am so excited to exclusively date myself, getting to know and loving myself in the way I have historically sought in others and understanding my own worth. Thank you, Thais, for all the resources you put out there. It is greatly appreciated.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

Very nice Lara :)

[@rhodacampbell]

This is exactly what I was feeling, but you have written it so much eloquently then I could have this evening. Bravo to you and as you’re a little further ahead of me in your relationship to love yourself more fully, I’m really grateful for you being so inspiring, as well as Thais.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad this resonated with you. Thank you so much for sharing :)

[@kalifornia4745]

Beautifully said ❤

[@sushisam3010]

what's the difference between DAs liking you and not being interested? I still don't understand when they treat you weird but they like you and when they are simply not interested in you. What's the difference?

[@northshorelight35]

The DA does not initially start with breadcrumbs. They lovebomb you, they are attentive, they act like they're in a relationship with you and it feels amazing. Then once your guard is down and you're in it with them, that is when they pull away and breadcrumb if not outright ghost you.

[@SK-no2pp]

Subconsciously, an avoidant feels reassured and in control by sensing the usually anxiously attached is unlikely to leave them even if they give little - and they would be right. The anxious partner continues to stay and tolerate being treated with either indifference or kept in a grey area where the relationship is undefined. Dismissive avoidants may engineer romantic pseudo-relationships in their lives that enable them go a long time without having to deal with the realities of real daily intimacy, conflict resolution, and the dangerous feelings of dependency this can incur. This pattern only entrenches their habits and prevents them from learning vital relationship skills. You feel you’re in a “relationship” but in real life, they are not physically present in times of sickness, attending events by your side, or even doing mundane chores. The illusion of intimacy is created without real life, the ordinariness of everyday routines.

[@theguy4615]

You nailed it!

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

Exceptional summary. The ironic part is if they would allow them to fully engage in the relationship and have somebody by their side who is interdependent they would realize more freedom than they are trying to control in trying to keep themselves safe

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

Really really good point S K. Finding an Anxiously Attached Partner as they're unlikely to leave. Thumbs up :)

[@tulinbeyduz920]

i am anxiously attached .. but i couldn’t take it anymore . when my ex refused to see me the friday and then wasn’t up flr seeing me the sunday because i said i had a terrible sore neck and wasn’t up for driving , also didn’t see me before his two week holiday the week before he left , something in me snapped and i couldn’t take it . i was only seeing him on his terms when it suited him . he fell apart when i broke up and even said he loved me which he never told me whilst we were together .. he would never send me kisses goodnight would always never expressed he ever missed me . well he fell apart after i broke up orb him . he was anxiously trying to get me back the next 6 weeks but i just felt if we got back together again he would just be like the same and nlt prioritized . He told me i’d regret my decision as it was probably the best relationship i’d had… he didn’t buy me dinners in the first 4 months i actually asked him if sometimes he could buy me a coffee or a breakfast once .. stingy with time and money . I decided i deserved a lot more . He was happy on the relationship because i made him dinners cut his hair bought him clothes . i told him i was going to fill my own cup

[@Wealth_through_Health22]

@@tulinbeyduz920 "He told me i’d regret my decision as it was probably the best relationship i’d had… " Utterly Hilarious! If it wasnt so sad Well done you! Well done sticking up for yourself!

[@malindarayallen]

"Just because you're spending time alone doesn't mean you're actually being with yourself." That one hit deep. 🥺

[@lisamote9998]

I feel ya :(.

[@user-j927]

"When someone comes along with breadcrumbs...I'd just go get a loaf of bread somewhere else" 😅 ❤ This is all I needed.

[@brianschellenberger2656]

Notes and discussion topics from a DA: 1. What is breadcrumbing? a. leaving little crumbs of intimacy in the relationship, not making space for relationship, avoiding commitments, etc. b. not giving the "whole loaf of bread", the whole experience of a relationship 2. Why do DA's breadcrumb? a. They were breadcrumbed--that's all they know, that is love to them. b. Now it is my subconscious comfort zone. c. My wrong belief is that "this is enough" 3 What to do if you are breadcrumbing? a. Learn to get out of the subconscious comfort zone of need or lack b. Stop breadcrumbing myself--be more present i emotional awareness ii introspect feeling/needs iii priorities, mission, vision, goals iv nervous system regulation 4. What do do if you are being breadcrumbed? a. Recondition subconscious comfort zone of neglect i step out of cycle of alllowing breadcrumbing ii recognize what you need iii set boundaries b. Why do you stay in relationship with breadcrumber? Discuss/Introspect: What is love? What is intimacy? What would be the "whole loaf of bread"? How was I breadcrumbed, and accepted it? How to start offering the whold loaf of bread?

[@shinebabyshine.]

Amazing outline. Thank you!

[@katt7370]

Thank you for this!!!!

[@elena5840]

Most amazing outline of the contents of a youtube vid ever encountered by me thus far. Just awesome.

[@gypsypath1]

Thank you for posting this outline; I think this is the second video where I’ve seen an outline posted (possibly also by you?) and I find it really helpful. I’m an FA with a DA friend working toward a more intimate relationship; we talk about everything and he’s said I know more about his inner world than anyone except his parents. We’re both working on ourselves and are fully aware that it will take time, but we’ve also agreed that we’re not leaving. Even if it just stays as friends, I’ll always have his back; he deserves to know that someone can actually care and not abandon him. I appreciate your notes because it helps me see better what might be going on in his mind and ways to think through what’s happened in our pasts as well as how we can start to look at things differently. Thank you again and good luck on your journey of self-discovery.

[@authorSnehaNarayanan]

Why DA Breadcrumbs : Because they were breadcrumbed in their childhood. DA only know breadcrumbs, that is love for a DA. Why person receiving breadcrumbs stays - Subconscious comfort zone around emotional neglect. Step out of this cycle of allowing. Reprogram your limiting beliefs & Recondition your subconscious comfort zone by giving to myself in full what I am not getting from outside.

[@aurinkobay7118]

or breadcrumbed in previous relationships.

[@FitLikeaPhoenix]

Would love to understand how exactly neglect could be seen as love by them, if they understand how painful it feels. Surely they have some understanding that love is not related to pain?

[@MinorKey135]

@@FitLikeaPhoenixa million dollar question right there

[@heartpoint5289]

It’s worth naming that these crumbs…they do feel like crumbs but somehow simultaneously seem like the best crumbs, like crumbs from our favorite dessert ever. Some kind of special cake, made perfectly for us. If they were just regular crumbs it’d be easier to decide how to proceed.

[@TheRealSlimshadyyyyyy]

Completely agree..

[@veral2274]

Very true.

[@kadeijadalrymple137]

Yes

[@Nightswim_]

Intermittent reinforcement= addictive

[@herroyalness]

Woah, that is the perfect description!

[@ryanremembers]

Man, I always thought I was inherently broken when it comes to relationships. Now, since learning Im a DA, I know I'm CATEGORICALLY broken when it comes to relationships. That's a relief 😅

[@jamesmills9760]

I just experienced by first relationship with an avoidant girlfriend, after 3 months I gave up after learning about attachment theory. Below are some of the signs I ignored or didn’t understand initially. I still don’t know what type of avoidant she was but she exhibited some of these signs. 1. She didn’t like eye contact 2. Past relationships were long distance or with married men (both give ample space) 3. Trouble with intimacy, will barely initiate kissing or cuddling or cut it short especially after first month, month 2-3 will decrease even more. 4. Will cancel plans or prioritize family, friends and work, they will give you what little they can squeeze out on their schedule, you are usually low priority the longer the relationship progresses. 5. They tend to walk fast sometimes few steps ahead of you, they avoid walking side by side, or if you are exploring a new place, they will explore solo randomly, you will see them a few feet away randomly by themselves. 6. Some will utilize the DND feature on their phones to control access (Text is preferred as main form of communication) 7. They might compliment the waiter on their good looks (Odd, happened on 2nd date never understood this one) 8. If you have a confrontation with them about some of the issues in real life even in a calm and civil manner, you will find they may freeze or shut down. 9. Parents were divorced, mother left and raised by angry father as infant, moved around a lot, death in family and various other traumatic events in family. Avoidant are not bad people, their intentions are good, they just need help, their parents were probably avoidant themselves.

[@weruleyoudrool]

Oh shoot. I kind of act like this but I’m always affectionate and respond to texts pretty quickly.

[@MalayandiMathi]

I’m dating an avoidant and this this information is very useful

[@bp51082]

Great summary, and I ended it about a month and a half in on my recent one because all those signs were on the wall. The complimenting other people, or talking about other sexual interests is an interesting one; I interpreted it as them deliberately Periodically creating comfortable distance between us.

[@vosk6481]

​@Mathi Malayandi goodluck. Dont give yourself too much to avoidants. The problem doesnt lie on how he interacts with you inperson, its when they discard of you blindsided. Mark my words, you'll be discarded blindsided.

[@hibiscushoney3759]

Love your outline. It was same points I experienced with a DA. Few more but you nailed it. Thank you for putting it into words.

[@suzywilliams4424]

I did wonder the other day if the hurt I feel when my bids for connection are unmet is exactly what he felt as a kid. That must have been crushing to experience as a child. I pray that he heals 😔

[@rando9574]

yes ! but probaly even worse, because they were kids. not getting love then is like death. Imagine it in animal kingdom, its certain death.

[@SK-no2pp]

Starts at 1:56

[@perspicacity89]

Thank you.

[@mariar3136]

"Imma hold out for the full load of bread."

[@bp51082]

I recently cut off a situationship with a dismissive for various reasons, But one being that they were breadcrumbing me a bit and putting off hanging out, it turns out to make room for other dates (which is fine, since we're not together, I just find the lack of consideration troubling). One of them being that they were confusing my niceness for being into them more than I was, and I found the dynamic a little gross, especially when they expressed a little pity. I think it was a huge shock / blew their socks off when I proactively but politely cut them off. And as a mostly healed anxious, it was a huge milestone for me to take control of the situation with a dismissive and end it myself.

[@andrewhagen9343]

How did you cut them off? Slow fade ? Set firm boundaries?

[@katt7370]

How did you heal the anxious attachment? I want to get to that place! My husband seems to be a DA and it's destroying me.

[@bp51082]

@@katt7370 I did the PDS program, as well as digging for some core beliefs and memories using EFT. I think both helped a lot. And I don't think I'm 100% done; I'm just enough secure that it adequately changed my approach enough to end up with the most secure person I've ever been with, and their security highlights my secure side. So that has bought me time to chip away at the rest slowly and just live life. One piece of advice: Don't go too fast. I was on a work sabbatical and had lots of time on my hands but it can be overwhelming if you jump in at the deep end.

[@katt7370]

@@bp51082 Thank you so much! I'm really glad to hear you are doing better and wish you continued success!

[@bp51082]

@@andrewhagen9343 I sent a pretty kind but direct text message clearly explaining that I was ending things but wishing them the best with no ill will. They sent back a very brief but polite on brand DA text and that was that. I've been slow faded, by someone I was really into no less, and I would never in a million years do it to someone else

[@haikuoflife]

This type of thing should be taught in school, we can go through the same thing in friendships. The sooner, the easier it would be to learn how to cope and become secure.

[@CHRISTChrysalisInManhaim]

SERIOUSLY!!!! I was just saying this to a friend of mine. THIS would heal so many, so much sooner

[@lmoorelawpractice6214]

Have the courage to walk away before losing yourself in the bottomless hole! Great content. Huge Thank you!

[@Jrsteve71]

A comment about what you personally need to have to be in a relationship with a DA: I found it takes incredible communication skills. The ability to not take anything personally. An understanding of your own triggers and buttons and fix those yourself so you don't react out of them. The knowledge that everything they are fighting against you is about what they are fighting against loosing themselves..(ie. safety, which is independence, most importantly, and it then trickles down from there.). You have to regulate your emotions. You have to choose your words very well. You have to be patient yet set boundaries but be patient. You have to expect your needs NOT to be met exactly as you would like to be at your fullest. You have to be ok with them ghosting, shutting down, leaving, gaslighting, mean words, anything that they use to create distance to gain their sense of safety, independence, self preservation, and reconnect with what feels safe to them. To me, it is a daily work of helping to understand and help them feel heard, safe, connected, and valued. Truly unconditional love and meeting them where they are at. It is a continual outpouring. That if you choose to do this, you are an angel.

[@kalifornia4745]

Just reading that was exhausting. If you are putting up with all of that, your person is fucking lucky. I only did it for a couple of months and you are completely correct in this dance that needs to happen and all of the eggshells that need to be walked on.

[@ragingphoinix9144]

I think this is ok to do if they're working on themselves and improving but if this is all it is and you're putting in this effort, leave. You're enabling the behavior.

[@JesusistheOnlyWay222]

😢😢😢

[@walkertranger5746]

Sounds like it’s a good excuse for a DA to sleep around. “Oh I’m ghosting you cause I can’t deal with my emotions “ Meanwhile , they are getting plowed by another guy.

[@simonebracy9103]

Basically be a doormat..

[@Alchemy7419]

I’m curious as to why DAs seem to lose the ability to communicate and show up fully the same ways they did early on in the relationship and seem to be unaware that their energy has shifted. How do they seem to remain unaware that they are giving crumbs to their partner even when it’s inquired about in gentle way. Where do those abilities to fully show up go?

[@kalifornia4745]

This is such a great question! My DA was also very present at the beginning which was very puzzling to me when she quite early on changed. I didn’t realize this was common with DA’s. She never really made an effort, even in the beginning, but the lack of communication just grew and grew. I brought things up in a gentle way and that didn’t matter. I suffered the wrath for daring to bring anything up at all.

[@Alchemy7419]

@@kalifornia4745 Right! It’s such a mystery. I even asked him why he was acting so differently ( with examples provided) and he just ignored the question. I asked it more than once over the course of about 3 months and he never answered it. So it leads me to think one of two things… he KNEW he was treating me differently and was trying to gaslight me out of shame, OR he really was so far into pretending early on he really didn’t remember. Either one is troubling. We had a wonderful 5 months and then 3 months of me wondering what happened to the ‘ other guy’ . I realized he wasn’t going to try to meet my needs and everything was on his time and schedule so I ended things. I have no interest in a one sided dynamic.

[@cuttiemx]

Are they maybe kind of narcissist? Did you argue with him? Mine uses that as an excuse. I was asking for my needs to be met and this was the origin of our discussions..

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@kalifornia4745 That sounds like a narcissist to me. DAs usually have the ability to discuss things in more depth after some time has passed.

[@kalifornia4745]

@@cornwallismorgan874 I think she definitely is a DA with narcissistic tendencies. It turns out that she did have the ability to talk more about things after time had passed. Unfortunately, that was usually after we had separated 😬

[@johndingo7527]

I had a huge crush on a lady that bread crumbed me, I called her out on it and cut ties with her. It hurts a lot, but I know that I did the right thing. I have learnt that she is a DA, and watching these vids has answered a lot of questions for me.

[@bp51082]

Same here pal. I felt lucky that because I'd been working with this material for a while, I saw them for who they were pretty early and put up some boundaries so I didn't get too deep. Good on you for making the right call. I know it hurts right now, but you will continue to heal and get better

[@MrNikkyJSL]

My DA has an awful spirit of betrayal. Turns me off so bad in many ways, I'm traumatized.

[@earthdakini]

I’ve pulled away from an old friend who has intermittently breadcrumbed me for the whole 50 year relationship. Always too busy to see me but happy to see other friends. I suspect she has sensed that I’ve been a bit needy lately, where as I’m usually the one to be providing support & upliftment. An old friend of theirs has also moved back into the area & Im being discarded by increments. It’s been painful as I loved them a lot but I can see that I’ve been giving far more credit than they actually deserve, time to give that credit back to myself 💕

[@sophiek2676]

I don’t deal with this anymore and it’s great

[@00mylovey00]

Thais is gorgeous! :) not to mention a beautiful heart ---helping us heal from all our woundedness.

[@gregwriezener9693]

How can an AP ever trust a DA again after they've loved bombed then suddenly dumped them out of nowhere? How would an AP express that it will take a long time to even consider trusting this DA person after such bs? We can't absolve DAs for their attachment style when they eff up someone's life

[@1286cassandra]

Exactly how I have been feeling. “Dumped”. Like garbage some. Minimal contact and no commitment to meet up. Completely different from first years of friendship. It is a friendship but same dynamics and still hurts. And I have been trying to figure out what I did wrong for months. Months of wasted time and energy. Internet and videos. Not my own stuff! When I confront the person doesnt answer deflects or has to hang up the phone. So hates talking about the friendship. How to fix without discussing? So it is all on her terms. My needs mostly unmet. If I try discussing it becomes an escalating argument and always my fault. Tired! Why hell I keep hanging on? History? My current plan is to step away almost completely. I was an ap but am much more secure now with my own stuff except this stuff. I want her to see her attachment style and what has been occurring. But that will create a rift and worse distance. I cant win here.

[@walkertranger5746]

The DA says “I need to be alone, please respect my need for space.” Ha They ain’t alone …. They sharing the bed with someone else. Maybe I should become a DA… what a great excuse to sleep around.

[@djpdyson]

I just broke up with my FA and he very much breadcrumbed me and strung me along. I'm angry with myself for tolerating it

[@edgreen8140]

Thank you for your insight s. Makes so much sense.

[@ArielAriel-rg8ng]

When you choose your happiness and you leave your DA you know it's the right thing but the wound of what happened and of the lack of love, is hard to go away. After 7 months I have not moved on yet, maybe it's normal because the love was still there when I left him but it's frustasting.

[@imyouranna_]

stay strong honey. its a process... long... maybe, it might help you to check topics about "limerence" cause this helped me too with moving on from a da.💗💗💗

[@ArielAriel-rg8ng]

@@imyouranna_ thanks ❤

[@spiritwanderer777]

oh god, I left 3 weeks ago and I wonder how long it will take to heal. this was the hardest and most painful breakup of my life :(

[@Ikr2025]

I’m FA & would rather be with a DA that is completely checked out than one who is breadcrumbing. Being an FA is a bit like have a chronic drug or food addiction to positive attention - if you get a little bit you just want more, and when you don’t get it or get rejected you feel Rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It makes you really angry - like ‘hangry’. I think the same neural pathways must be activated as FAs are created by inconsistent parenting or intermittent reinforcement. It creates the strongest codependency. My mother was a DA who breadcrumbed positive reinforcement. She still does it. I’m trying very hard to break the cycle, its very hard. My husband is DA who doesn’t breadcrumb luckily but he’s always checked out. I’d rather have that than the manipulation of bread crumbing though.

[@Maiden_Warrior_Crone]

I'm FA, and I'm so grateful for these videos . You help me understand myself better, and understand my Beloved DA better. Oh, and Thais! That colour on you is perfection! Love from London!

[@rawhunni]

AP here and this blew my mind❤ thank you ❤

[@roshalllambert]

Ver well explained as always!!

[@kalifornia4745]

My DA was very present with me in person and very passionate and sexual but when I left, the communication got worse over time and there was no such thing as conflict resolution. Things were only calm if I didn’t say anything. If I asked for a need to be met or said (calmly) that something they did hurt my feelings, there was hell to pay. Also, they would never make an effort to come see me. Months dating and would never come to my house. Was even in my neighborhood to go to a dr. Appt one day and scheduled a bunch of stuff around it but never made any time to see me when they were down the street. When I brought it up, they said I was selfish for asking them to revolve their day around me. Does this sound like a DA, a narcissist or both?

[@gj9747]

Sounds the same for me 🧐

[@veral2274]

Yes

[@AkireMaru]

Does it matter what box he falls into? He obviously doesn’t like you…

[@jessmessing3146]

@@AkireMaru Or he's obviously a DA. Hardly a helpful conclusion to draw in the context of this video and attachment.

[@goulnazgalieva3121]

what I learned through therapy and all those theories is that you treat yourself and others the way you were treated that is why you need to reparent yourself, you will treat yourself and others lovingly. and some people do everything to avoid spending time with themselves vs being alone, especially old people with very neglected attachment styles. My landlady has an anxious attachment style in a veeery neglected state, observing her I think i wouldn't want to live to that age being like this. How one hate oneself and only live for others and through others and be happy with breadcrumbs, holy mother of g***

[@globalana8951]

Incredible content. Thank you

[@perspicacity89]

Thank you for making this video.

[@jen-ov2bi]

The title alone had me. My ex breadcrumbed on literally every facet of a relationship from verbal affirmation, verbal clarity, dates, to non physical affection all WHILE continuing other behaviors that could be described as secure particularly calling & spending hrs on the phone with me every other day for 5 mos.

[@LaneBelle]

I think I’ve had a similar experience. Mine believes texting/phoning/time together is effort but doesn’t put much into anything else. It seems like they want to waste all of my time literally.

[@LemonCups]

Thanks for this one, Thais. Hard to watch, hard to hear but needed. I still feel bad for leaving my breadcrumber but I know I had to and this video.helps me feel not as bad. Thank you.

[@tammy6452]

Lost a lot of weight eating just breadcrumbs,(the person feeding me breadcrumbs). Try a more substantial diet now.

[@allibird]

It just sounds like they can’t love to the depths and passion that the FA, secure, or preoccupied attachments do. How can they justify this behavior to themselves…especially when they see it hurting their partner?

[@EstiEquinox]

AP with secondary FA here. A little long but thanks for reading if you feel up for it :3 This breadcrumbing is part of why I'm a bit nervous to go back and try a second time with my DA. We had a relationship breakdown (Never committed on his end, so not a break up. He went from chill to panic once I told him I was falling in love with him, and asked (around 3 months in) what we were and where he saw us going. At first I thought I was rushing, but now I realized I did it more on a secure timeline than an AP timeline. It would've happened with an actually secure person too I'm sure.) I think either my secure or FA side (maybe both) made me go NC after a another month of breadcrumbs and emotional neglect. I was going down a deep dark place that threatened my life from his neglect. Though I learned I allowed this neglect due to neglecting myself too. I had been abused this way before by an ex and promised never again once I started having really dark self ending thoughts (I'm better now I promise!!) So that is what made me go NC eventually. I'm glad I did. He didn't want me to leave but he also felt like he was poisoning me and didn't know what to do. I think even now he's probably beating himself up over me leaving like his last two exes. It's been a bit past the 6 week point. I've spent that time learning about myself, and healing. Honestly the first two courses for APs "The Personal Handbook for a Better Life" and "Discover, Embrace & Fulfill Your Personal Needs" have already been helpin' a crap ton. I feel like I'm struggling a little bit on my day to day needs but I'm starting to get it and already self soothing a bit more. Basically I can't give myself full loaves of bread yet, but I got chunks that keep me from starving, and a good system of friends. I leaned heavily on my friends at first, but now I'm learning to value that me time. But I still do spend some time with said friends. It feels like I'm balancing out a bit more already. So yeah, in 6 days I have a letter that I'll be reaching out to my DA with. I'm sure he'll be shocked as his exes and little sister like friend he lost never came back. The later of which he reached out ot years later and she wanted nothing to do with him. So me coming back is probably gonna throw him off. One of the friends in my system is a mutual friend of me and the DA. When friend read my letter he said he "Felt like a proud dad". So I'm positive I'm saying the right things. A lot of the videos on this channel really helped me understand how to cater my video with kindness to a DA's sensitivity to criticism, but also... you can't not place boundaries in a cushy manner. Still you can validate the person but present what you need. :) So the videos are so insanely valuable there! IDK if my DA will do the work or not. But I'll for sure give it my best effort. I'm now clear about my boundaries and am learning bit by bit what I need. I'm going to be expressing Communication (and at least his willingness to be a present listener, as he values being understood, so hopefully he'll get why I want that) as my first need to share. It's in the letter. I'll encourage him to show up to work on himself, but won't force him. He's gotta do this of his own free will. Still, he deserves that foundation of self love and awareness and realizing he is worthwhile and not defective. I don't even wanna touch major relationship things outside of communication until he's actually started getting to know himself more. I do have a timeline for it at the same time though, so he can't stay still forever if he wants me back. I have general steps for what I'd expect and will communicate it with him as time goes on and each thing is needed. Not all at once of course. He can't be overwhelmed. We'll see if he shows up or not. I know the avoidant portion of my FA wants to run and protect me, but I gotta give it my best shot. That way if he doesn't show up, I can know I did everything I could guilt free, but don't stay and torment myself with these breadcrumbs. I deserve better than that. Thanks again for reading this if you did. Even if no one does anything I feel good writing this all out. :3 Thanks again for your courses Thais, as well as everyone on your team. Seriously you're all lifesavers.

[@verohb79]

If he reads it to begin with, that would be an accomplishment. I wrote a letter to the DA, a long 18pg handwritten letter in cursive, and he never read it.

[@EstiEquinox]

@@verohb79 Well, that length is pretty scary for people afraid of emotions and vulnerability. For you and me pouring out our hearts like that has a lot of meaning behind it. I admire the time and effort, but for a DA that's as terrifying as being abandoned. As for my letter, I tried to keep it short and simple. This was tough buy I had to think of him, not me. I asked myself "What does he need to hear? What need do I have to communicate in just an introductory thing? What can wait?" Most of it can wait. Narrowed it mostly down to: -Addressing that he isn't defective, bad, or anything like that. Possibly scared like me. - I gave examples of why the statements are true. - I said that I still wanted him, aware of his faults, not despite them. - I mentioned a tiny bit that I had grown and what I am doing different. But no more than a few sentences. - I mentioned he was right about me needing to learn to fill my own needs, but didn't talk about healthy interdependence yet. - I asked if he may be interested in talking things out, but recognized at the time neither of us were healthy enough to be a couple - I then laid down my boundaries for how long I would wait for him to respond before moving on, and that respecting myself meant no 3rd chance. (After all I may want him but don't need him.) - Oh yes, and mentioned I did need communication and an active listener, which he has succeeded at in the past. Took a few tries but got it down to 1.5 pages. Still longer than my goal. But DA's need straight forward, real, and to the point. Something I am working on.

[@taraarrington2285]

You're gaslighting yourself. Move on.

[@itsqueendebae]

6 weeks is definitely not enough time for anything to significantly change, write the letter and hold onto it but don’t send it. Look into yourself and ask why you’re more interested in being a saviour to someone else then being a saviour for yourself. The point of secure attachment is not how to better coerce avoidant people into your life, secure attachment is so you can create secure relationships and seek secure people to create those with Chasing some who’s unavailable is not secure, especially if that person has made no attempt of reconciliation themselves

[@EstiEquinox]

@@itsqueendebae Most of why I'm continuing is not because I think he will change. In fact, I think he likely isn't. But given this is the very first time, I do think he deserves one chance to try and grow. If he doesn't, I have no issue moving on. The six weeks wasn't so he could change, but so I could learn to heal myself. Plus DA's don't even start processing things until that point. There are DA's and APs who have made it. And while I logically think it's unlikely, I'll always wonder "Did I do it wrong? Did he just need one chance to grow? Am I throwing away one of the DA's who actually would be excited to grow if given a chance?" If I have firm boundaries set and if he doesn't show up and do the work, then I'll go. Simple as that. But this has only happened once in our relationship. It's cruel in any relationship to leave given one mistake (minus things like cheating and whatnot.) But for my own sanity, I need to know I did the right thing and give it one best shot. It won't be wasted time for my growth if he doesn't put in the work. But I can leave guilt free knowing I did my best. I won't have any regrets or wondering if I threw away those DA's that are willing to grow, as I've learned they're out there. I know this community is very Anti-DA. But I'm one of the people that know they're not monsters. But the ones that wanna stay put shouldn't be enabled. I refuse to enable him. He's made one break down of our relationship event with me, he gets one chance to grow.

[@hilostateofmind]

OHHHHH Thais my dear friend thank you so very much for this and everything you do. Today while doing the emotional mastery course (my final course for my FA to secure PDS program HIGHLY RECOMMEND) I suddenly realized that I have been addicted to and chasing my DA Hubby's breadcrumbing for 14 years. When I started writing down my feelings and stories I began to feel shame, defeat and the monkey mind started giving me painful stories about it etc etc and it was quite a funk for a bit. I was initially I was quite overwhelmed with the feeling and I must admit I did turn to some hulu cartoons but quickly realized that I was still doing the emotional processing tool in my head (sorta) might as well turn off the TV and look up one of your videos to better understand this. I did basically know what was happening both for him and for me and why but the video really helped me put it into perspective and now I feel EMPOWERED rather than defeated and pathetic. I sat down and finished the EPT and I am prepared to stop the cycle. You and your team have really truly given me a new lease on life! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! -Shakti Jen

[@perspicacity89]

Thanks Thais. You're amazing.

[@elliecee8114]

You’re incredible thank you

[@ambivalent5842]

Please do a series on Negligent narcissistic behavior and or DA behavior. There is so much overlap. Bread crumbling of affection, sexual punishment. Deception back up or cushioning...

[@MakeAmericagreatAgainEVH]

Yes!!!! Please

[@angieflowe3925]

No matter how many videos I watch on this subject I don’t know how to change myself. I was very emotionally neglected as a child😩 it feels very uncomfortable to open up and show love towards my partner

[@YOU-niter]

Thank you for admitting it. That’s a HUGE start surely..

[@cornwallismorgan874]

It might be worthwhile to start therapy and start discussing this neglect with someone who can really get to the core of it. I watch these videos almost daily, but I'm probably going to have to purchase some courses myself. Best of luck to you; I know it's hard!

[@tdoggy7623]

Hugs.

[@1000mizz]

u can obv show something b/c u are partnered

[@IIAmHorseLover]

Can you address the DA’s use of the ‘silent treatment’ as a means to control/hurt? One of my closest friends of 7 years and I recently became romantic. After one of the most romantic weeks of my life, she shut down and cut me out saying ‘I just see you as a friend. But ‘a very close friend’’ as a bid for me to stay in her life. Her behavior - from the romantic week together to the cold aloofness - was like night and day. When I pushed and asked her to talk about what happened between us she refused and even laughed in my face. For context, it was her first time ever being intimate with a woman. While lying in bed together after the first time we made love, she told me ‘Sometimes I can’t even look at you because I feel so much’. I could hear her heart beat wildly whenever she looked at me. I confessed to her I’ve been in love with her for years and never thought she felt the same. She responded ‘love at first sight’ under her breath and kissed me. A couple days after this encounter, we met spent another romantic evening together. She squeezed my hand and asked if I felt ‘ready’ for a serious relationship, knowing that I had recently gotten out of a relationship a few months before. I told her that I’ve always loved her, and of course I was. Then, a couple days later, she went COLD. She cut me out and didn’t respond to any of my messages. She then became cruel and gaslit me, devaluing our experience together. I told her I was happy to just be ‘friends’ but that we couldn’t just not talk about what happened like it was nothing. She refused and pushed me out instead when I set that expectation. A month into no contact, I got an awkward voice-note for her with a sort of ‘apology’ where she told me she just ‘shut down’ but not just to me - to everyone. She said that she’d like to ‘keep in touch’ (we live thousands of miles apart). I responded cooly but kindly, and said I understood that she shuts down when overwhelmed. Never heard from her again. And yet she still watches all my instagram stories and recently ‘hearted’ one. But radio silence. After doing a lot of research trying to understand my situation, I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t that I was unlovable and not deserving of respect, but that I was dealing with an avoidant. As an anxious attacher, it’s the worst pain imaginable.

[@AkireMaru]

Maybe she’s not gay.

[@misschanandelerbong7946]

Not you. It's that she thinks *she's* unlovable.

[@IIAmHorseLover]

? then why would she get turned on and sleep with me twice. you can tell when someone is attracted to you@@AkireMaru

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

I'm glad these DA videos are here to help me understand my experience, but that's the only reason I'm watching them. The idea of using them as coaching in order to go through this B.S. with yet another DA is laughable to me. As if I'd ever put myself through that again when it's obvious relationships with DAs are an investment with exactly zero return.

[@aurinkobay7118]

"As if I'd ever put myself through that again when it's obvious relationships with DAs are an investment with exactly zero return." interesting I feel the same about DA,FA, AAs. (i am DA extreme case, I leave with no explanation. I dont know about the breadcrumbing though)

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

​@@aurinkobay7118 I think everyone's best bet is to work on becoming securely attached ourselves and then partner with other securely attached people. Who really wants to keep doing this dance, insecure to insecure, in relationships? I don't!

[@aurinkobay7118]

@@Revolution-tl5wo uhhuh. Problem is there are way too many emotionally unhealthy people. Its like in the movie the underworld when Selene says once you turm into a lycan, you see the vampires. Same here once you are aware of 4 types, you want only SA

[@nikm2045]

@5:14 Guilty as charged as an AP who realized my intentional isolation was b/c I was subconsciously not over my DA & waiting for their return; definitely no *casting the first stone* here and affirmed @7:46 for what I need to work on myself to stop spreading the hurt.

[@TheCulinaryTeen16]

Thank you for this video. I'm experiencing this with a close friend, and it hurts. By chance, can you create more videos about how a securely-attached individual would react? I'd like to say I've healed my insecure attachment and am mostly secure, but I still want to examine and model secure behavior more closely and wonder how they might respond to being breadcrumbed (by a longtime friend for instance). Anyone in the comments with suggestions, please chime in!

[@shortingthetrend]

So much breadcrumbs I was able to follow the trail right to her Affair Partner. To the streets!

[@Barons.knitting]

Thank you so much for your videos they are so helpful. Sometimes I feel I breadcrumb because I really don't want to hurt other people's feelings. So instead of saying I don't want to talk to you. I will reply to what I am asked. I'm not sure if that's the same thing.

[@Dee010s]

The past year ive just come out right off the bat and tell people...im not very social or talkitive or dont like to answer questions. That usually puts them off unless they are dense.

[@harrycrowe7873]

Well that's a little different. A girl I was dating but pulled away hard and suddenly after a few months when she sensed I was getting too close. We finally had a discussion and she said she'd like to start over and take things a little slower. However, since then she will not commit to actually getting together to see me. Actually she won't even take my calls or return my calls. Only breadcrumbing through texts saying "Looking forward to getting together soon" and referring to me as "baby, baby doll, sweetie, and honey", but it never happens...So confusing and frustrating. Never sure if she's truly conflicted or if she's just hoping I give up and go way. The thing is, you can bet when I walk away, for them it will just be confirmation for them that I turned out to be everything I she was afraid of and I abandoned her.

[@Barons.knitting]

@@harrycrowe7873 I would stop messaging her and see what happens. Take time to reply so she sees you have other important things in life that need your time and attention. She will either not message at all and then you know she is not interested or she will come about to see you soon at the thought of loosing you. Another thing is make a date very specific time and place . Make it something you think she would be interested in doing and comfortable. If she does not show up or cancels then move on with your life. There is someone else who is right for you.

[@dancorson5822]

Confront a DA with breadcrumbs and they’ll say “ok now I’m gonna give you NOTHING! How dare you criticize me. I’ll bully you into keeping your mouth shut.” Or they will say “well that’s what you give me.” See how you can’t resolve issues here. It’s all your fault. They would have you believe it’s your fault you get breadcrumbs. If only you were enough you’d get the whole loaf. Don’t fall for that. Ever.

[@lightofall]

Ironically, these people want to experience love and care from another. If you know how to do this for yourself you can have great friendships with these people. And show them unconditional love without expecting anything in return...

[@sandraquarshie9060]

That's the truth....

[@gregorystinette8271]

I saved my bread crums for Thanksgiving stuffing.

[@Karl-wx8zx]

Holy shit that’s spot on!!!

[@personsunknown2183]

Iam this...Ive never known. I figured depression. Seems to be a term for everything..... I self sabotage, I think im destroying myself but dont think I want to take myself out and drag anyone with me in my spiral and hence the pushing away...

[@MonkellD]

Would you say that ap's, fa's, and da's, are equally distant from each other? It seems like ap's are obviously more different than being avoidant but also that fa's and da's are more similar? My partner is fa but it seems like there are da behaviors also..

[@jasmineflower9879]

" YOU DESERVE BETTER ! "

[@isabelkloberdanz6329]

Oh my god that’s what my situationship was. It all makes sense.

[@user-gu6vf3je1d]

It just more manipulative controlling behavior. Toxic traits that only exist in their personal relationships. Because once again people who operate like this you will observe them behaving the complete opposite amongst their peers, work or social environments.

[@ethicalnonconformity]

truth

[@nhull55]

Agree!!!!! Yea they know how to turn it on and off depending on the crowd. Some people are just not good people, trauma or no trauma!

[@grawakendream8980]

the thing with ending a relationships because of breadcrumbing, is that no loaf may be around the corner. or we just keep creating these conditions over and over. what we know is not the best, is better than what we don't know, which also turns out to be not so great imo

[@anothercat9600]

I am scared now because I got worn out by all the texting from the DA and told him gently and with smiley emoji that at this early stage, only met twice, I only use text or sms to decide time and place for the next meeting. But that I will get better at texting as we progress meet ups. I wonder how he will respond. To be consistent with what I said I need to show that I only respond to meeting suggestions, at this stage. Emotionally i got worn out by the texting. It makes a woman hope and hope and hope for weeks for the next meeting.

[@TheEvilangel1976]

Same. I got wore out with constant texting and no meeting up these people are scared of a lot of things centered around relationships

[@anothercat9600]

I think a good boundary from the start is Dates Only, no text convo. When reached 1 meeting per week (living within an hour of each other in distance) we can have text convo too with the DA. For now, texting is only for setting up time and restaurant/café location.

[@Callie0818]

How can I help him? I'm glad for all this info but I don't know how to approach him about this and not be shunned. It hurts a lot , my heart's hurts for him too knowing this is what goes on in his head But at the same time I don't know if I can tolerate this much longer. Something has to give. I feel like I'm being strung along

[@roselandpetals]

You probably are. The only person who can help a DA is themselves. You can mention attachment theory but you can't call them a DA because they will see this as criticism.

[@ombra711]

Wow. Read me like Tea Leaves and she doesn't even know me, Its how I know she knows her stuff!🥴

[@justinejackson1409]

Dating a DA will leave you bald and depressed. Run for the heels while you can!

[@CuddleClaw.]

Asking for a friend: what if a fearful-avoidant who definitely cares about you, wants to do MDMA with you? Would that be emotionally dangerous for the anxious person (make them feel closer only to have the avoidant pull away again) or, could this help them both heal and come closer?

[@evyjay]

Drugs tend to be a very individualized experience. If you hard focus on the other person instead of your own experience, you may feel closer to them, but nearly guaranteed the avoidant will just be in their own head.

[@wendydaniel1110]

It's all for their power, dominance and control. Leave them. They need therapy and healing. They also live in denial of the issues minimizing their behaviour and the damage they are causing.

[@1286cassandra]

I want to let the person know their da behaviors and their responsibility what it has been. How do I do that? Without problems? Send a video or article? Frustrated bc I want this to end but want them to see their part first. Help!

[@FM-zg5hz]

Did you do anything?

[@mermaidtales4009]

Did that... nothing. Silence. Ignorance. Don't bother.😉

[@pamelamls]

But these breadcrumbers don't treat everyone the same way. For example, A man might be breadcrumbing one woman, but give another woman his full attention and time. It depends on the level of interest he has for the woman.

[@antihipsterboho]

Healthy people wouldnt even date someone they werent all that into. People that prioritize people and give any interest to people they dont like are probably narcissists or das that are afraid to say no( people who are not good relationship material in the first place)

[@PotatoeBunny93]

How long are the courses in the development school typically? Do you know how long they take to finish for most people? And is the lifetime payment a one time payment or like a fee to have to pay every several years or something like that? Im very interested in investing into this. Is there anytype of certification that comes with this as well? Thank you

[@soul-etude]

Very useful but always very long advertising minutes

[@svetikchum6988]

You know sometimes its quality over quantity

[@danrey5336]

I'm not even getting no crumps

[@laurabeigh283]

My ex has AvPD. He is also a porn addict. Hence, my EX. Most painful relationship ever.

[@LG-ly7di]

Do FA’s breadcrumb often as well?

[@virgilk3447]

My same question. I believe they do… or perhaps the lines between DAs and FAs are blurred, or even overlap. My FA breadcrumbs and can see how her parents did this, then partners who cheated on them. I’m not sure my FA has ever truly had a healthy relationship, which seems to disregulate them when I’m present and showing up. If I walk away, they’ll interpret it as abandonment and if I stay, perceived as a threat to their independence. Breadcrumbs are just enough without having to go more deeply in intimacy.

[@aleewoolley]

@@virgilk3447 This!!! I am an FA, and this describes me exactly. I can’t begin to tell you how frustrated I get with myself. I am my own worst problem most days.

[@LG-ly7di]

@@virgilk3447 I went through something very similar with my ex. I’ve been watching a lot of Thais’ videos lately trying to get a better understanding of my ex’s behaviors. Especially because getting her to open up to me and communicate with me felt like pulling teeth at times.

[@brownsuga929]

As a FA I think at certain times we do. It's different because we normally do this when we're trying to figure out if we want to leave. Most times it's because we're exhausted from being so hypervigilent. I didn't realize I did this in the past until these videos and Therapy. I was just with a STRONG DA so that drove me from hypervigilent then to no contact. Completely exhausted.

[@aurinkobay7118]

they do more breadcrumbing than DAs. DAs are self-sufficient - addicts to counterdependency. FAs -i'd be careful with them in investing any energy into them.

[@little_miss_muffet]

Would those of you with experience of a DA ex say they had a problem with gifts or acts of kindness towards them? One of the ways I (SA) show love and affection for people I care about is to give them nice /thoughtful gifts. I did this a lot for him during our relationship (not knowing at the time he was DA) and I never felt like he appreciated the gesture. In fact, oftentimes I got the impression he was more annoyed than anything. He was also vehemently against celebrating Valentines Day, and reluctant even to acknowledge birthdays. Can anyone else relate?

[@beckymusgrove4784]

Yes, definitely. My ex-boyfriend was extremely avoidant, and gifts made him uncomfortable. And he rarely gave me gifts, even on special/appropriate occasions. I did get him a lot, actually, but tried not to make a big deal about it and often checked with him first or got his opinion. In general, though, I don’t think DAs show a lot of appreciation for anything-I don’t say that to be mean, but they have a hard time recognizing and expressing their emotions, so I think they also avoid situations that require that (like receiving/giving gifts, giving compliments or affection freely, giving support, going out of their way for you or making you a priority). You may be doing all of these things for them, but they will most likely not give at the same level. And this can quickly turn into a one-sided relationship.

[@untamedwildhorse]

My DA was the same early in the relationship. However, I explained to him that I enjoy giving gifts and service just as much as I like receiving them. We have identical love languages: time, affection and service are our top ones. Once he learned it makes me happy to do those things he’s been more receptive. He said the same thing about holidays, birthdays and Valentine’s too. I told him how I felt and have honored my own traditions of celebrating and he now has adopted them as well. 🙂🎉🙂

[@ArielAriel-rg8ng]

For me it was the opposite..my DA ex always showed his affection through gifts, sadly everything else was missing. You can't built intimacy with material things. You have to show your vulnerability.

[@georgieeve2026]

My DA (leaning secure) ex never seemed excited or greatful about any gifts I gave him. In the beginning he was greatful for the Acts of Service (cleaning his house, gardening, washing his clothes, organising his closet/cupboards/kitchen many times, organising paperwork, dishes, rent inspections, helping him unpack and set up when he moved into a new house, driving him to the airport at 2am every fortnight, cooking for him, doing grocery shopping for him etc etc). But after a while he honestly didn't seem to care, and stopped being greatful and acknowledging it. I give love through Gifts and Acts of Service, but I feel most loved when receiving Words of Affirmation. I am an Internal Repressive AP, leaning FA. I personally don't like celebrating birthdays, or Valentine's day either.

[@desgray5420]

Mine didn't like receiving anything, was fine with giving but very uncomfortable receiving and made out that the smallest gestures were the largest gestures that they had ever received.

[@MechPhoenix]

I have met hundreds of men, everyone says I'm good looking and fun. But crumbs are all I know. I had flings and relationship and they were all initiated by me. Or, I have orbiters that come and go, but I think they are interested just because I'm not. I dont get approached at all. When I do, guys disappear after talking to me or just flirting. Its like, they want me to do the chase or they just want cheap attention from a random starnger, then they turn their head and they seem to prefer any average girl next to them. It does not matter if I think I'm attractive and she's not, to him she's a 9 and I'm a 4. I had men telling me "youre the sexiest woman I've seen" or "you're out of my league" but then proceed to use me and then fall for the next plain Jane. It's so frustrated because I want to live life fully, and I feel I'm waisting my time. I'm brunette, tall, green eyes, curvy but still thin body. Im "nobody's" type apparently. I would sooo love to get help and understand what I'm doing wrong. Just hear a professional opinion. My friends are too nice ("you're intimidating"), or too mean/brutally honest ("well obviously they dont like you, but there's someone out there for everyone, keep hoping" like....meh!) But I'm too proud and ashamed to admit I am "unlovable".

[@Sherbetsink]

We were in a relationship for a year until I had to end things due to him being hot and cold (only now knowing about attachment styles) I wanted to get back together to work things out however now I feel I’m just being breadcrumbed because he doesn’t trust I’ll stay . It’s so hard to know if I wait or get out now . I’m AFand this is tough on me than any relationship I’ve had . We love each other but he says he doesn’t think I’m consistent enough and has stopped trying

[@dannywholuv]

Wait.. He doesnt think your consistent enough? Lol

[@yanagonzalez6697]

The irony lol.. They want AP to stay no matter how many times they treat us like a doormat.. When we stand up for what we want and claim our rights then we are the ones in the wrong.. There is no more to give to someone that just takes and takes constantly.. I walked out on my DA and blocked him from everywhere and now on the road to healing.. I'm putting ME FIRST, after putting him first for a whole year

[@salvomig2368]

Ask yourself why you feel you need to sacrifice yourself for him. He’s not willing to put in the work. You can’t do 100% of the work to make a relationship grow. He has to show up and want to do his part also.

[@kalifornia4745]

@@yanagonzalez6697 I am so amazed at reading comments like these because even though I knew about attachment styles, reading these comments makes me realize I knew very little and what I went through was common. What you described is what happened to me. It made me feel a little crazy like I was doing something wrong by asking for what I needed and being made to feel selfish for saying anything at all.

[@alshimasalah1813]

You look beautiful

[@kaidypops9532]

I'm a D.A, very accurate, truth is the war is with our selves... Speaking from a personal point of view, my thoughts and feelings change all the time, I'm mostly confused. I don't feel scared to love but more so fear I am unable too. Its also extremely difficult to express feelings due to having them change so frequently. Having someone give so much love towards me is overwhelming, I just can't handle it. I set my boundaries and explain I need time alone, just too process how I feel about anything and everything. I understand D.As get a bad rep but be in our minds of constant overthinking, over analysing everything and you will understand why we try to keep away 💜

[@warmhart2034]

@@kaidypops9532 SA here. That's what I thought of DA BF. - always having an internal struggle! Must be hard! And that's why DAs escape so much into their creature comforts to escape the war within themselves.😨

[@kaidypops9532]

@@warmhart2034Thanks for your comment. I'm actually the GF D.A also seems to be more rare, also feel alot of guilt for not knowing why I feel or even what I really feel at all, always the constant battle within... I explain this though for some reason he wants to stick around, but I must have the space to process my emotions. I am overly honest too.. I say I'm unsure I can ever give him what he deserves, as love to me is not a positive emotion, not in a relationship anyway, I work with it every day but I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next. I'm just trying to re-wire my brain and its really not so easy at all.

[@warmhart2034]

@@kaidypops9532 I think the DA bf would actually want to break-it off with me because like you, he feels that he cannot give me what I deserve. He has told me that I 'tick all the boxes." However, he does not have a reason to break-off with me because we've never had a conflict and I've never expressed my needs! I think this makes him feel helpless and deactivates to cope even if there is no known reason to make him deactivate.

[@kaidypops9532]

Best way for him to realise is no contact, although it can take time, I remember a fall out and it lasting the whole week and I hadn't noticed as at the process of feeling free and relieved I don't have to explain how I feel when I don't know it, but then gets lonely then the loneliness creeps in.. And the giving our selves a hard time wondering why we are this way. You work on your self and heal that's my best advice, if he comes back then see how you feel about it then. Best wishes to you and your partner 🙏

[@albertdavis4797]

If you can't catch her at the speed of talking switch the speed to -0.75

[@weaviejeebies]

I think something that bothers me badly as an FA is that the breadcrumbing feels like a demand to do or be better, except that for my DA spouse, nothing is ever good enough. It triggers my anxious and my avoidant tendencies at the same time. My inner critic runs amok, but so does my anger. If something isn't delivered exactly to my spouse's specifications, he has a hard time even saying thank you without telling me everything that I've got wrong this time. If I say, maybe consider that I tried very hard and that I don't find anything wrong, and I expect praise and gratitude without a dose of criticism, what I get is a mockery of that expectation. "Okay. Well, it's....(heavy sigh) alright. I guess. Thanks " If I say hey, that's not what most people consider complimentary, he gets angry. "Well, I'm not going to lie! I'm just not impressed." The implication is that if I'd just done better, then he'd have no problem saying nice things. I know that's not true, he doesn't connect well emotionally and has raging perfectionism, so nothing is good enough and a person's intentions mean nothing to him. I can't remember the last time I had a compliment about anything. If I tell him I need positive feedback, he says I'm clingy. I've been in therapy for cptsd for 5 years now, including attachment work, and honestly, I'm no longer clingy. I'm just sick of crumbs and stating my needs, but he's not willing to take that vulnerable step towards me. I'm tired of doing all the heavy lifting.

[@serefdo2907]

I know it's not related to the video but i'm so curious to see thais without makeup. I bet she is still beautiful.

[@kingskand]

Makes sense but there's *so much* work to reprogram all that! Ugh. For now do we just block the DA? Try to be their friend? So confusing even if we know it's not "right".

[@seapeajones]

Male DA. If they don't know what they are/what the problem is, or are unwilling to work at it, you need to go. Begin with stating your needs. Not saying hate them/cut them off, just it's a 2 way street.

[@kingskand]

@@seapeajones for me and my situation, I'm still not sure. This was a person I worked with, and we had a "discussion" where I expressed he was too in my face for not wanting anything more serious (yes it was non-work related "in my face" stuff like texting off hours and him touching me and stuff). He finally left company. I did not contact him. Was fine letting it fall aside. He contacted me after 3 weeks - not just to say hi, but to send me a gift and all. Um, okay. I thanked him and said it was thoughtful but ignored him again. Since then every couple weeks he asks how I am, asks advice, tells me he's on vacation and sends pictures. He calls. I have responded civily but trying to keep my mind off of him. But my issue is that I hate wasting my energy on him. At all. Even answering texts/calls makes me wonder what the heck it is? I mentioned I had a boyfriend and I got all these questions about my bf from this guy like he was jealous. I am of two minds. I want to cut him off, but don't want to be 'the bad guy' or be mean. I also don't know whether to just block with no justification, OR mention to him why I will not longer respond to him. Serious life dilemmas. LOL

[@salvomig2368]

@@kingskand If you don’t want this guy contacting you, let him know. “Hey, you’re a nice guy but I’m involved in a great relationship with my boyfriend and I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop contacting me.” Then block him if he contacts you again. If you don’t communicate your boundaries, he or anyone will never know what you want or don’t want, and then you end up with serious life dilemmas.

[@warmhart2034]

Kingsland, struggling with that decision! I'm inclined to keep the friendship but will have to become platonic so I don't get more emotionally invested! I'm also curious how the DA person's life pans out.

[@ArielAriel-rg8ng]

@@salvomig2368 my DA ex realized his mistakes and apologized, he told me our break up made him realize he is not ready to make happy someone else because he has to solve his inner problems. But he asked me to keep having a bond between us because he wants to stay in my life,protect me and stay by my side when I need. Do you think it was a way to tell me he wants to stay with me after having solved his problems?

[@ashleyc506]

Well maybe if people weren’t asinine POS, I’d invest more. But the global population refuses to prove me wrong.

[@Door1]

I hope this doesn't come across as creepy or weird, but you are amazingly beautiful! And you're smart and insightful too!!! Damn...

[@samanthakeefe6099]

You have really helpful material however just a suggestion to slower your speech down. At times you speed up making it difficult to understand you. Do very much appreciate you and your kindness to share your knowledge with people to make the world a better place.

[@janefaceinthewind6260]

Then why did my ex say in such a cold, detached and callous way "let's hope this will last for a while" after having kissed me in the most passionate way, the first time in months, after ten years of a dead bedroom? Why the cockiness and aloofness? Why make it looks as if I'm the one with the problem by wanting the bare minimum of affection and love. He could have handled it so much better but I had to be the bad guy so he didn't need to face his demons.

[@turbulent-582]

Learn to talk slowly and clearly, not the stupid new generation chatter. can't imagine being in consultation with you....

[@LennonTheBunny]

breadcrumbing has more to do with the person not being into you. accept it.

[@nhull55]

That"s the samething I was thinking.🤔

[@jamesmills9760]

for a securely attached or 75% of the population 100%, but not in all cases.

[@chuckd4877]

Accept it, sure. But why does a person need to breadcrumb if they arent into you?

[@ameliapeach3029]

My ex contacted me after 45 days no contact. He replied to my selfie on Instagram with a compliment then when I said thank you he didn’t continue the conversation. Was this breadcrumbs?

[@roselandpetals]

I would say yes. They're little nuggets of interest or caring but not much after that.