Is it Because of Me? [Healing From Betrayal Trauma]

Get more from Dr. Ramani on betrayal trauma here: my.medcircle.com/betrayal_trauma
Dr. Ramani Durvasula (better-known as Dr. Ramani) is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica and a professor of psychology at California State University in Los Angeles.
She received her B.S. in Psychology from the University of Connecticut and her MA and Ph.D. degrees in Clinical Psychology at UCLA. She is the go-to media expert for a multitude of mental health topics - most notably: narcissism. She has also authored multiple books, including Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist.
Her new book, It’s Not You shows that the first step is to stop trying to change the narcissistic person, stop blaming yourself, and start giving yourself permission to foster your autonomy and sense of self outside of this relationship.

[@christinacatalano]

Dr. Ramani is like my KZbin mother. I see her face and I feel safe, she’s helped me for years through her channel.

[@covert_warrior]

And her voice ❤

[@olik6142]

So true! ❤😊 it’s the same for me

[@xiomarazapata2469]

Omg what a great way to describe her! Same here!! ❤

[@amelierosales1154]

Same!!!! I would still be in my 14 years old narcissist relationship. I owe her my life 😭

[@mollybarnett-melton107]

Yessss she has gotten me through so much.

[@TranscendingTrauma]

People also enable narcs because they don’t want to become the target. They essentially throw you under the bus.

[@thisisntallowed9560]

I find that so much of healing from narcissistic abuse comes down to following your gut

[@jilladams7573]

I agree, and it comes from experience too- that gut sense/intuition you feel about a person.

[@thisisntallowed9560]

@@jilladams7573 I mean like learning to trust your own intuition, because all your life you've been told you were wrong, you shouldn't feel that way. So not doubting yourself and reconnecting with your emotions is important.

[@jilladams7573]

@thisisntallowed9560 💯! And finding your voice is a big part of that, too.

[@bereal6590]

100%✋

[@kmcquack8989]

The point of understanding is realizing how victims *lose* their gut reactions

[@tiffanysteen8150]

The slot machine analogy was absolutely perfect example of staying for the scraps of good days

[@abigailjacob4043]

OMG THANK YOU for the piece on forgiveness. Forgiveness in narcissistic families is too often weaponized - it absolutely was weaponized in my house growing up. But what really happened was that nothing ever changed, forgiveness just became a way to give the abuser permission to continue to mentally and emotionally harm you. I HATE how the forgiveness narrative has gotten so embedded into popular culture, it's basically become meaningless, and has actually allowed a lot of really harmful people to escape consequences for their actions.

[@barbarabagatin8962]

To forgive don't means you have to stay. It means you have to accept nobody is perfect. Otherwise you are a narc too.

[@grateful7420]

@@barbarabagatin8962NOPE. SO WRONG. This is exactly the type of victim blaming Dr. Ramani was talking about. I wish for you hope and healing, grace and kindness for yourself and others 🙏

[@user-gt8uf3nd9i]

it says to forgive not for them but for you ...but dont stay GO

[@rohitpatel1615]

Knowledge is power. Wisdom is empowerment.

[@eottoe2001]

And vice versa: empowerment is wisdom, too.

[@thisisntallowed9560]

Alright mister AI

[@joanblouch3730]

Dr Ramani has helped me greatly over this past year. My world came crumbling down around me less than a year ago when I realized my husband was psychologically, emotionally, mentally abusing me. I’m heartbroken that anyone could be so cruel. He knew I was previously in an extremely lonely marriage of almost 30yrs. And he used that information to manipulate and gaslight me.

[@loveoneanother881]

🥰😥🤗

[@bigladybigfeet9728]

I’ve whooshed a lot. Mostly because I have trouble comprehending humans can behave like this. I had no idea people could actually be like this. I get so angry with myself for being stupid

[@salonigoyal1237]

Sometimes we aren't aware or are unable to comprehend but that's ok, none of us do this intentionally, no wants bad for self, it just happened. Anger can't change anything but can impact present negatively by fearing you or taking you away from good. Just accept it as past , remember lessons learnt and step ahead freely. Have a objective self .

[@vickibazter3446]

I felt the same way. It's an open heart that gets intermittent strokes. I did whoosh too. You're not stupid. Just human.

[@ebd12345]

It reminds me of how the NP will accuse us of doing something we'd never do. Why would think that? Because the NP would totally do the behavior.

[@michellemaxner8638]

Yes! Very well put.

[@lisaaaron5564]

Yes. I am mostly mad at myself because I should have known better and seen it coming.

[@malinliljeblad8875]

Couldn't agree more with Kyle, Dr. Ramani is a warrior, helping me and others heal and grow. Thanks for having her on the show. Can't wait to get her book.

[@lisamontoni6421]

This channel is CRUCIAL and ESSENTIAL for my recovery and for SO MANY others! THANK YOU! Blessings. Maria

[@montereyspike]

Thank you so much Dr. Ramani, for what you said about, "Forgiveness". They have made my entire life a running of the GAUNTLET OF PAIN, so I absolutely concur!

[@misskhateralove]

I cried when he said all those good things about Dr. Ramani and how she is helping us so deeply. Thank you to both of you for this wonderful healing conversation!

[@user-ts9nq5vu1j]

It was very hard for me to walk away i felt so much guilt for doing that and after listening to this it has helped me to understand i was not all at fault so thankyou for helping me break that cycle that has kept me from moving on

[@carolelester8624]

my husband soon to be X just moved out, the entire last month, I watched Dr R, as I experienced Trauma bonding and helped me play the record backwards, I would run in my room and she would straighten me right out. Instead of letting the Gaslighting happen I ran and listed to her and unwound the feelings. Bless You Dr R. !

[@user-gt8uf3nd9i]

Good on you ..keep going keep getting better❤

[@wellinever1558]

Dr. Ramani has the correct answer for every question. She really knows her subject. Given me so much insight and help to understand and heal myself.

[@jadwigamystic831]

Dr Ramani you are an angel. Thank you for dismantling the hold this relationship has on me. Listening to you you gives me perspective, affirmation, strength and freedom ❤️🙌

[@kristylund9672]

The LAST thing my mom said to me was "You're a Liar and you're Satan" and no one in the family thinks it's abnormal ! !

[@8888alouette888]

Wow, poor thing. I hope you're celebrating now, seeing her departure like a possibility of rebirth for your self, without her abuse. Take care 🙏

[@lindsaycarder6351]

You have no idea how much I needed to hear this right now and how much I appreciate what your doing. I’ve been through the ringer so much happened my mother helped her friend commit identity theft and fraud to the IRS and other federal programs in my name I started receiving letters in the mail a few weeks ago both affecting my taxes and health insurance I never thought she’d use being my mother in order to do what she’s done I actually went no contact months ago but a long standing pattern with her has been that she enjoys the pain and trauma she inflicts through others and by gaslighting me so I would have to accept the dangerous people she associated with because if we didn’t go along with it she made threats and attempts of self harm but I want to be clear that with all that’s happened I’m completely done with her and her side of the family because all they’ve done is enable her and guilt trip me into keeping my mouth shut not reporting her etc so I won’t be silent anymore and I am documenting everything.

[@agatakjoy]

Dr Ramani is amazing! Her truth shines through with every word. Thank you!

[@xiomarazapata2469]

I love the praise you give Doctor Ramani because she truly deserves it. Her book is AMAZING. I was a little hesitant in ordering it because I know ‘it’s not me’ and like she says - everyone wants to read and know about the narcissist and not about the good person. Well, I want to let people know that this book is also about that antagonistic person in your life. It is such an incredible read. HIGHLY recommend it! I want to thank Doctor Ramani because she could've broken this book down into so many little ones and sold them separately, but she didn't. I would call this book the Bible on 'how to survive and thrive after or during a narcissistic relationship'. Upon knowledge that in this world narcissistic people exist, I have listened to possibly all of her videos (some twice). I can't thank her enough for her awesome work. I have commented on Doctor Ramani's video before that she is today world's modern super hero. She has helped and is helping so many of us. Thank you again. YOU. ARE. AWESOME! ❤️ P.S. Great video Kyle!! I always listen to you as well. 😊

[@linlinali]

ty for this one❤❤❤it makes me think of how i feel when this happened to me and is happening on a daily basis.

[@Buster-im5so]

I'm proud to say I received my book, the Audio, and the Kindle. Videos like this helps keep me sane today. I lost hope in the past, but that all changed now.

[@jjrumsey2001]

Signed up, and ready to be redirected out of this hell I have been made to believe was reality.

[@suecullen631]

The comfort you just gave me just by getting permission to have accepted this bad behavior is so healing . It healed the self gaslighting xo love you thank you Love you too kyle xo thank you❤❤

[@tamarapalaniuk5412]

Wow. Thank you for this information. It describes my husband and our marriage to the t!!

[@felinalee1497]

Me too

[@fredavalbjorkstormnielsen7389]

This woman never stop to amaze me with her knowledge ✨By now I’ve listened to hundreds of her talks and I’m still learning … thank you, thank you, thank you 🙏⭐️

[@user-ex3mx7hk4l]

💗💗 LONG live Dr. Ramani!!! 💗💗 LOVE this beautiful, courageous, GENIUS of a person! 👏👏👏

[@annaa6259]

So many podcast and this woman never repeats herself- top one👏

[@margaretcoan1643]

I am so looking forward to reading your book Dr. Ramani. Thanks for being you and all you do to help us all get our life back.💜

[@christineurbain2049]

I NEED THAT BOOK thank you for your time on these videos. they have helped me more than words can say

[@lesbulles1402]

What an IMPORTANT work this woman is doing. I hope I could transfer it to my french speaking fellows. Thank you so much ❤

[@phoriaphobia]

It’s really heartwarming to see Kyle and Dr. Armani back on a video together, especially since I started watching her thanks to MedCircle during the pandemic lockdown. Still such a great team-up!💖

[@Cat54867]

Several years ago this site had a calm cool collected yet very aloof vibe. I called them on it. What a beautiful warm, giving, heart felt site these two have provided. I am more than thankful! The open style is wonderful.

[@miacaruso7631]

This was phenomenal! I am forever changed for the better. I did not understand Betrayal Blindness and have been beating myself up senselessly for missing to act on red flags from the narcissist. I can understand myself now and let it go. You guys are amazing. Thank you so much. ❤

[@BelindaMcFaddin]

Thank you again Dr. Ramani for telling the stories of my life. They continue, but she gives me the courage and peace to keep living, to never give up.

[@kimshe5529]

Thank you so much for this episode. Your explanation of correct forgiveness is incredibly helpful!

[@NickieBryantCakeArtistYT]

I've always felt the same way about forgiveness and all this hit home for sure ✨️

[@marialucas1810]

I'm going to give that top shelf in my closet a Spring Clean! Thanks guys for this powerful video 💗

[@linlinali]

guys i love how both of you get older in a very beautiful way. (Dont ever do plastic surgery) watching you makes me feel am in your tribe your are my old friends and we all grow and also grow old together❤i love it!!! also I love the vibe in between you.

[@pacather]

It's always great seeing Kyle in your videos. Such a sweetheart!

[@littleiodine9480]

This is so healing for me. Thank you! ❤🎉

[@maevebutler4641]

I found my voice & the best decision i ever made was going no contact with an ex malignant narcissist who did unforgivable things to me during most of my life & i can thank the warrior herself Dr.Ramini who taught me & gave me permission to do so & low contact with my narcissistic mother who was his chief enabler Im getting my son to order her book on Amazon for me as im not IT literate...i need to read this book I have always enjoyed videos with you both , you have a lovely energy together & we've got this Kyle!

[@christineurbain2049]

that just blew my mind. compacity... thank you again!!!!

[@christineurbain2049]

A NEW BIRTHDAY FOR MYSELF!! what an amazing idea. thank you thanky ou

[@SunshineandRoses1111]

Like a frog in cold water in a pan slowly turning up the heat and by the time it starts to boil it's too late

[@jocelyn4873]

Thank you so much🎉 I won the book! Looking forward to reading it!

[@Korp49034]

So direkt and that is why healing conversation🙏 thank you so much❤

[@claytonthomasnashville]

Love you so much! I can’t believe the timing. Thank you for making so many of us. Many of us hurt stuck in bed many ways. I’m beginning to understand to make small changes. It was wild SA from rich father. I paid all the consequences of the conflict. I’m not willing to deal with this. I will find a family of love not abuse even if they’re wealthy

[@rachelq0077]

Red Flags are behaviors that if we were never taught to see as wrong and dangerous, are behaviors that we accept as normal, & don't run away from. Growing up in a Narcissist Abusive household, I didn't recognize that these behaviors were dangerous, I thought they were normal relationship behavior s. So, when my partner became enraged and started throwing items at the wall, I would say to myself "that's OK, I am safe, he isn't throwing anything at me". Since I had grown up with items thrown at me by family members, I felt safer with my partner bc he didn't throw the items at me. I didn't recognize any Red Flag behaviors from him ( & now I see that there were so many!), bc so many of his behaviors were just like those of my family.

[@rakheepatel9212]

Thank you Dr Ramani for the knowledge the validation the clarity that had me confused helpless panicked self loathing and blamed myself for the actions and behaviors that didn’t along to me as I am the scapegoat for everything and anything and isolated with a ice cherry of devaluation and shame.Learned very young that God and myself had to be the only things to be grateful to make it through every day without true family & support

[@rachaelb9164]

This was so helpful to me. I’m feeling that sense of cognitive dissonance in realizing that my family is not safe for me. They all conspired to help my adult son with cognitive disabilities basically run away from my home to another state. He convinced them that he needed to escape right away and nobody even thought to ask me what was going on. He basically villainized me and my wife to everyone so they would help him move.. like he had to escape from us. When we found out their plans we told him to get out. So now we are the bad guys for kicking him out while also being the bad guys for trying to make him stay with us. I can’t trust my parents, my son, or my sister. I just recently told them all that I need space and set up a no communication boundary with them. It’s just so disorienting when you realize that the happy family you thought you had never really existed.

[@user-vi3xt8qi4q]

Thank you! Perfect timing 🙏

[@carolelester8624]

He took advantage of my greatest gift, generosity, that cuts deep! He did it with gaslighting and I responded with unconditional love and generosity, he will never have any one as good as me and I will for sure never have anyone as bad as him, lol Thanks Dr R!

[@katcatheka]

thank you so much for saying that shaming people for not forgiving is bullshit)) i felt a of of pressure from people about this when i said i would never forgive my boyfriend for cheating on me. 1,5 years later i still haven't forgiven. and i feel very confident that i have the right to feel what i feel and i don't care what others think about that

[@know973]

I'm so glad he mentioned what I was just thinking! Narcissistic people are your children too, not just your parents or spouse. I often wonder why this is not addressed as much as It could and should be. Narcissistic people are someone's child, someone's baby, teen, or adult children. This hurts more than a spouse, in my opinion. A spouse is someone you can divorce or separate from , it's extremely painful. But children and grandchildren are very difficult to separate from. How do you come to terms with knowing your child is incapable of loving you? I wish it was acknowledged more that children abuse parents as well. So it's not automatically assumed you as a parent must and have to be the cause. In my case, my mother, my ex-husband, were narcissists. Before I ever discovered what a narcissist was, I endured abuse. Now, my adult children are narcissists, and a great many of my family members are. I feel surrounded most times , so I've isolated myself because these relationships haven't been safe for me. It's sad and traumatic, to say the least.

[@moniquefune1]

Thanks so much both of you.

[@covert_warrior]

Omg Dr. Ramani you're amazing. Still waiting for my book but 1/2 way through the audiobook ❤

[@sandracaezza7234]

Omgoodness always get what I need. It’s like reading an Alanon book daily When Kyle said his partner would choose drugs over him! My 24 yr marriage to a narc/addict. His last relapse was steroids & gym adoration Wooosh he’s gone. My future is bright Ty for this content💪🏻

[@anailie7380]

Thank you with all my heart! Blessings!

[@joe_0180]

I just filled out the form to hopefully win a free copy and I just want to type out how I’m so fascinated anytime Dr. Ramani gives out analogies to help viewers better understand what she’s teaching and my biggest takeaway was definitely the capacity part, knowing that other people have different capacities in areas of their lives and how it relates to relationships as well. Super great stuff I really love this live, so informative about what betrayal trauma is and what the grieving process is all about.❤

[@covert_warrior]

Dr. Ramani you inspire me so much

[@self-love8000]

Lots of good wishes to you Dr. Ramani.. Indeed She is providing healing & support to us. The forgiveness part was indeed amazing. That’s the reality. Forgiveness is a divine gift but we shouldn’t waste it for those who have taken ourselves from us..

[@margaretcoan1643]

Dr Ramani I so appreciate your powerfully true insight. I have been whooshing to the top shelf all my life. And yes when it bites us it really hurts so badly. Waking up to the Truth of it is the other not caring for me. Dr. Ramani is such a gift to help us understand what really is going on in these very painful experiences. I would love a copy of your book.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

Finished the book, love it...will reread as needed;-)

[@dmgsoultogetherness6667]

Dr Ramani is so attractive in every way..❤

[@bettinacarol1301]

Yes💫💫💫Dr Raminis book is the Rand Mc Nelly through the topic of narc abuse Thank you for spreading your wisdom. The good will conquer the dark

[@bellezamamacita]

Thank you for this very helpful information. I can’t help to notice how pretty Dr. looks. That make up tone suits her very beautifully.

[@michellemaxner8638]

Agreed. She is gorgeous, inside and out. The white and ruffles are very complimentary to her essence 😊

[@patrickbinford590]

Wow: this video gave ME clarity. I have to admit that what Dr Ramani has said about forgiveness has blown my mind because I was with sone of that GREAT old time religion. I am going to have to think about this for MY truth. But to be honest I will definitely consider what she is saying about forgiveness. This is about how you feel within youself. ❤️ And "morality" IS both an important word (tradition, rules, society, social groups, etc) as WELL as a word that gives pause to its "untouchability." What I mean, is the word morality is EASILY abused by power abuses.

[@kosabath9260]

Looking so forward to this book.

[@tempesttravellingoftaste9513]

Looking forward to read your book/books. Thanks for your information. I’ve listen around a year and then I suddenly make that puzzle.

[@dianecole1982]

Thank You for finally giving me permission to say you don't deserve my forgiveness. I will take my grudge to he grave. 🎉

[@covert_warrior]

Can't believe the forgiveness question ❤ my favorite part

[@AnyPerson-my8pe]

Congrats on the book success! 🎉👏❤

[@leilagomulka5690]

I’m so happy and grateful For you

[@LightintheDark2056]

Thank you for the book 👍❤️

[@drppr76]

I plan on buying Dr. Ramani's book soon - I highly recommend her last book Don't You Know Who I am

[@des2507]

I love you Dr. Ramani🙏🙏❤️

[@pacolli]

Preach Dr Ramaniiiii!!! 💖

[@tabithabasye2440]

OH MY GODS! 🤦🏽‍♀️ I hope this book is on audio & read my Dr. Ramani!

[@joshbratton7027]

Thank you, bless you! This was very helpful. 💙 Sincerely, Mary B

[@voidofmisery4810]

best duo!!!!! ❤💙

[@aperta7525]

That's really cool that she said July 17 (~49 minute timestamp), because that is literally the day I walked away from an abusive relationship (the first day I fought back against staying in it) a handful of years ago. Quinkydink

[@janetadam1244]

This resonates with me so much. Oh my

[@Fariha_12]

0:40 29:35 36:28 Forgiveness is a choice 57:17 59:15 🎉 49:07

[@doreenlane2370]

Abusers dont take responsibility and accountability for their own actions. They rarely say sorry and they blame others for their actions. Abusers enjoy harming others and they enjoy seeing people suffer. They enjoy the suffering they see even more if they caused the suffering. They are mentally or emotionally immature. Abusers are okay with bullying. Abusers dont want to protect others from abuse or bullying. They want get rid of rules or laws that help and protect others. Abusers dont care about the mental health or physical health of another living being. Its not you its their choice on how they want to deal with their trauma. When they are triggered they take out on you. Its not you

[@privatejustforme8782]

Thank you

[@nordiaharriott5634]

Thank you sooooo much!!!

[@cloudslady3400]

The thing that helped me most was reversing the roles…if I was the one who lied and who tried to use the other person wouldn’t I spend so much time and effort so they don’t notice?.??…much more time is spent protecting the lies than actually lying…the anger and blowing up when I ask simple questions was my evidence at the end…. I did in fact suffocate his stories…and he didn’t get what he wanted..I’m thankful !…but for a moment imagine how much effort the abuser put into fooling you..which if you left them didn’t even work…who is stupid now??

[@LoucriciaBrown]

I agree she is an expert. ❤

[@louisepaiement1713]

Thank you so much for your work. Dr Ramani, you should ask to translate your book. There are so few books available on abuses in French, by example.

[@Lyrielonwind]

Or Spanish.

[@laurennlauren33]

This book sounds like a great read

[@Rebel377]

Forgiveness is not for the other person.

[@unicorngirl0369]

I love learning about empathic and saintly people… I am rare perhaps.

[@nordiaharriott5634]

I love her !

[@covert_warrior]

Wow just wow ❤

[@FMartini1960]

They throw you a bone once in a while ! Until you get tired having bones for dinner ! And don’t sit at the table !

[@GinaG7777]

Forgiveness is for me so I may have peace, Not for the other person. But of course I couldn't begin to do that until I removed myself from the narcissists, that's my experience anyway.

[@pamwatkins4855]

Dr. Romeny, i dint, realize! Knowing 1/2 the battle, i hope ,i learn, heal, and be kinder, to ,Pam😢

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Workplace bullying in the healthcare setting. This involves betrayal trauma.

[@bethstevenson6738]

The closet breaks....ugh. So true

[@user-ly8ft2wb1c]

Had an argument with Dr. Les Carter about forgiveness; some things are unforgivable. He went into a pious rant about a concentration camp survivor (Victor Frankl?) forgiving Hitler. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ Agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Ramani; forgiveness is a gift not a guilt trip. Just got the book yesterday.