Is The 2024 GOP Presidential Primary Already Underway?

For proof that the next election is already upon us, look no further than Republican hopefuls like Arkansas Sen. Tom Cotton, South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem, former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, South Carolina Sen. Tim Scott, and Florida Sen. Rick Scott, all of whom sound very much like they're running for president. #Colbert #Comedy #Monologue
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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount+, and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.

[@piedpiper1185]

"It's hard to keep your back straight when you don't have a spine." Damnit Steven, I was taking a drink!

[@manwithmountain]

Stephen just did a John Oliver and might end up breaking Pompeo's site. Cant wait to see what people would be sending.

[@--enyo--]

It’s a month later. Did it happen?

[@Hatamoto95]

"man who is late although is beer gut is early" was a very under appreciated joke haha

[@johaniojo]

So, in America a rich person can just hire the national guard to do his bidding? Nice, perhaps next you can rent out the military to a country that pays enough ; it sure is pure capitalism

[@alexjordan1611]

What do you think happened in Iraq

[@dsmyify]

Yeah, America rent out their military all the time.

[@the-trustees]

Its a slippery slope from that to a true plutocracy... Humans don't deserve to continue to exist. Sigh.

[@matthewkoch6937]

@@the-trustees I wouldn't go that far. Not all humanity is bad, just those people who are greedy and lack compassion. There are still good people in this world, they just don't get noticed as often.

[@wrongturnVfor]

USa already kind of does that. Directly, indirectly, weapons sales, tech sale....now its just starting on the homeland

[@leafyrox]

As someone who got my backyard set on fire by neighbors playing with fireworks last year, I approve the fireworks ban.

[@Nevertoleave]

People the buy fireworks for celebrations where they will also be drinking confuse me. At what point did planning to get drunk and use explosives seem like a good idea? Cause both took planning

[@coltonblake13]

What a shame banning them typically makes ppl want to more. Government telling people HOW to celebrate independence doesn't sit well for most.

[@awparran09]

I live in Indiana where they are legal. Two of my sons put on a display in a neighborhood competition and have done this for nearly eight-years. They take all precautions such as having fire extinguishers, water, and brooms to clean up the falling paper. So if your neighbors don't have these in place, blame them, not the law.

[@nickmessner700]

Had a kid shoot Roman candles on my roof last year. I'm in too.

[@coltonblake13]

@3-7-77 perhaps it's quite different. Here in CT we basically just have sparklers or fountain fireworks. Nothing goes up more then like 10ft max. Except sponsored town events. So all of us who do get our hands on them typically have an over abundance of caution or have done so generations. I can see where reckless drugs in more city like areas could be an issue.

[@truthhurts3524]

So anyone can make a “donation” to a governor and control their national guard? 🤔🤯

[@silverpurkat]

A scary thought isn’t it 😳

[@tomsenft7434]

No, just billionaires.

[@Marijuanifornia]

We should start a GoFundMe to raise money to pay the New York National Guard to raid Mar-a-Lago. Since it's apparently legal to do that sort of thing.

[@abercrombieblovs2042]

Wellll.... Not technically, but... how to put this... Everyone has their price.

[@ironyelegy]

Welcome to our Capitalist Libertarian Republic shithole

[@seanmcdonald5859]

Isn't it just so nice to hear an American President use words and talk about just things really . . . .like, anything really and NOT have it devolve into sounding like a 6 six year old who clearly didn't do their reading assignment.

[@DeathBYDesign666]

We have the most bigly lightninging space reader in the history of the world. Yes this was an exclusive invention of my space force so it's totally my idea. Thank God for me for helping to monitor the problem that I helped to create and couldn't care less about in the first place. I know it sounds too smart for Trump but I'm doing my best so give me a break. 😂

[@joeywilliams9700]

That joke is several years old, but thanks for messing it up anyway.

[@ChrisAlbertH47]

Sadly, a good portion of Americans want to go back to the orange one who talks mostly about himself.

[@DeathBYDesign666]

@@pdag4685 You do know that Donald is only 3 years behind him and is far less healthy right? The health factor more than evens them up if not gives Joe a major edge on Trump. Come on man use some common sense.

[@dont90know]

@@DeathBYDesign666 and in 3 years they'll be supporting Trump after saying 78 is too old for president. They most be brain dead to have so little foresight 😄

[@specialpatrolgroup92]

"A sexy misunderstanding..." "They're a grinder, they kept banging away!"

[@AD-wm5ju]

“It’s hard to keep your back straight when you haven’t go a spine.” Wooo!

[@TheNerdyFosterMom]

SOB earned a like for that one.

[@jeffreyxu6430]

"It's hard to keep your back straight when you don't have a spine." One of the best roasts from colbert, DAMN

[@Hollins23]

* Colbert's writers

[@brassholio]

Savage

[@jeffreyxu6430]

@@Hollins23 yeah, i mean the show

[@Mondfischli]

... I was laughing so hard I had to hold my belly.... D'OH !

[@CerpinTxt87]

@@Hollins23 It was delivered by Colbert, not his writers.

[@ladyvincenza]

"a sexy understanding" sounds very Zapp Branagan.

[@freetolook3727]

Pipehitters: Mike Pompeo's version of the proud boys.

[@sewararabo]

Love you Stephen, thank you for bringing me and my friends Joy and laughter everyday!

[@ceikaiyiacheeksthedirector2920]

@@k.j.305 ?

[@deborahbrown8363]

Love Evie too.

[@CaptWesStarwind]

It's almost as if the earth is warming.

[@Arltratlo]

its a hoax from the fridge making industry, to sell more freezer to the americans...

[@suzannegiannini85]

Weird that the ocean is literally on fire too!

[@CaptWesStarwind]

@@suzannegiannini85 I still remember when lake Erie caught fire.

[@suzannegiannini85]

@@CaptWesStarwind I hadn't heard of that, l'll look it up.

[@CaptWesStarwind]

@@suzannegiannini85 It actually happened about 13 times before major steps were taken to reduce pollution.

[@hannuvepsalainen74]

the "send a video to pompeo" was a John Oliver move, well played thou Stephen

[@ChrisAlbertH47]

So Kristy Gnome is essentially sending privately funded mercenaries to another state? Isn't there a law that regulates these things or is America as hopeless as it looks?

[@MadmanLink]

They elected tRump, yeah it's that bad!

[@mikoto7693]

As a non-American I’m a bit confused and concerned.

[@jaredkent9350]

No, it's as hopeless as it looks

[@MTMF.london]

May be that other state could raise their own privately-funded "national guards" to repel the invasion because that is exactly what it is.

[@elenachristian9860]

@@MTMF.london The other state is Texas. Gov Abbott achieved orgasm at the thought.

[@IronBitch-SapphireandIron]

That’s Not How or what the National Guard is for. I see legal action coming for that one.

[@shirleyrombough8173]

Let's hope so. These quasi governmental officials don't have a clue about governmental rights and responsibilities.

[@derricknelson8160]

Hello how you doing today?

[@patriciatracy5093]

"It's hard to keep your back straight when you don't have a spine"

[@michaelschweigart3517]

Yep, I'm stealing that😁

[@matthewbriggs9137]

@@michaelschweigart3517 Hard to steal a spine when you don't have one, amirite?

[@michaelschweigart3517]

@@matthewbriggs9137 hahahaha 😆😂.... Wait, what? 😶

[@thereisbeautyinthisworld7251]

😂😂😂

[@niixzpk8726]

Lol that was one of the funniest jokes he had tonight…This was a really good episode…he was on point with all of his jokes…he is regaining his momentum now that he is back in the studio😁 I enjoyed him on the pandemic set but I didn’t realize how much I missed him performing in front of a studio audience…he really gets energized from the audience..and is quick to interact with them off script which is impressive 😁. It is just refreshing to see his energy along with his clean “cut” and sharp suit on…feels like a sense of “normalcy” is returning 😁 Good Vibes 😎

[@NewMessage]

How many souls of immigrant children did Grassley have to absorb before he got on stage, though?

[@gamepapa1211]

Probably all of them. That's why it's so quiet around the cages at the detention centers around this time of the year.

[@matthewkoch6937]

Countless, more than likely. He looks so coldly evil in his picture, like the political version of "Mr. Potter" from "It's a Wonderful Life" or a real-life "Mr. Burns."

[@bluegreenglue6565]

"...he must really have to limber up on leg day." Now THAT made me laugh a whole bunch! : D

[@Tadicuslegion78]

The real fun begins tomorrow with the criminal charges against Trump Org.

[@alex35agm]

I can hear Donnie now.Trump Organization,never heard of it, don't know anything about it.I hear it's great but really,I don't know it.Maybe ask one of my sons.

[@gamepapa1211]

Got my popcorns ready. Place your bets on who Baby Cheezus is going to throw under the bus!

[@sererwr2413]

yea dude! funning so hard

[@shermanderek2]

The Weasel's gonna sing

[@TahtahmesDiary]

Released doesn't mean innocent. Our system has a long way to go.

[@oscarwarren469]

45 is still free...

[@gamepapa1211]

@@oscarwarren469 ...for now.

[@tomasvdb]

in prison also doesn’t mean guilty… that needs fixing too

[@VodShod]

@@tomasvdb really we need to lay out all the laws of the land and the constitution and reorganize them from the ground up. The emphasis being to use clear language, to update wording, to highlight conflicts for debate and revision, and improve the process for approving bills and checks after set time to determine if the bill is working as intended, if not then revise or remove it.

[@telectronix1368]

He confessed. And he was released because of **the way he was convicted** , not because any court or jury found him innocent. He is out on a technicality. Oh, and.......... HE CONFESSED

[@neerajamb]

OMG- pipe hitter and Pompeo had me literally rolling on the floor laughing 😂

[@karencorbett3250]

I'm sooo with you, this is Hilarious 😂

[@ShovelChef]

"Getting strangled by a rainbow" sounds like a Doctor Who freak of the week.

[@nickmessner700]

Sounds like how Mitch McConnell would describe Pride Month behind closed doors.

[@katherinesayles8870]

Points for the Doctor Who reference 😁

[@op3129]

they fucked up angels. rainbows are obviously on slate.

[@avidnongetit8710]

I Love Stephen Cobert! He tells me what I need to know and what I should research on politicians. Plus of course he's Hilarious!!!!!

[@stephenwedderburn9307]

"It's hard to keep your back straight when you don't have a spine" Stephen Colbert. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Best description of Cotton I've heard 😂

[@deborahbrown8363]

GOP gave t-RumP their spines and balls!

[@xanderfulton3186]

Explains trumps posture

[@lindaleelaw5277]

Cotton claimed he served...nope did a montgs training.

[@stephenwedderburn9307]

@@lindaleelaw5277 cotton is the same as most on the right-wing, playing soldiers, but when gets real, they're either at the back or running for dear life!

[@likebot.]

So _that's_ what an ADA is... Actual Devil's Advocate.

[@viddork]

Loved the phone number.

[@NewMessage]

"We'll be growin' oranges in Alaska!" -Dale Gribble

[@user-zu9kk5et8b]

Your bio: 🤘😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤘 #Subscribed

[@nickwallette6201]

We could use some fresh fruit.

[@AbsoluteSkycaptain]

Good old 1:30AM Late Show posts keeping me company before bed.

[@shirleyrombough8173]

Me too, though it's more soothing to watch videos of baby kittens being rescued. Or Jay Leno's Headlines. Or Jim Gaffigan's standup routines. Still, I love Stephen and wouldn't want to miss his comments about Repubs missing a spine.

[@allisontolbert1141]

Why is everyone conservative so obsessed with going to the border? I live in south texas. I've been to the border. Aint nothing to see there. Do they imagine a war zone? Like the demilitarized zone in Korea? I dont get it.

[@andrewtodaro2874]

Maybe they want to expand on the imperial manifest destiny march and conquer the whole Western Hemisphere!

[@Crimson83blah]

It’s the ptsd of the Vietnam war having a porous border that helped cause America to lose that war. Seriously, bunch of people can’t get over a war 50 years ago so we create a culture war issue by making the border a boogeyman

[@stoikiometry]

conservatives are crisis actors. it's anti-biden propaganda and a distraction from their 1/6 treason

[@davidwoods7408]

It's a cheap political statement that has no meaning in fact.

[@Joker4205]

You have to remember that trump supporters think trump was and is the savior of all mankind. They believe he fixed everything. They think climate change is when the season changes. They truly believe everything he says. I bet if you told a group of Trump supporters the sky is purple they'd look up and see purple not blue.

[@kenupyours5731]

The senators were trying to do pushups on stage... I think they need to have Michelle Obama show them how to do a proper pushup. The boys looked pretty sloppy and unfit with the example they displayed... bad form and a pretty poor attempt at a pushup gentlemen. Luv the show mr. Steven. Stay safe y'all

[@bradleylambie6115]

So nice having him back in the studio with a live audience.

[@yvonnetomenga5726]

OMG. I hope there's a follow-up on Pompeo's Twitter feed.

[@suzibikerbabe8073]

Since when have any politicians stopped campaigning and on our dime. All campaigning should be illegal except for the 2 months before the election. They need to spend their time working for us, not their donors.

[@goblinwisdom]

I hear that they spend a lot of time talking to donors about their next donation while in office. That is except AoC, Ohan, and prestley and bernie ( small dollar constituency donations).

[@Critoxyn]

Unfortunately that's not what they believe, and since they make the rules they are therefore exempt from them. Just look at how they react to having to walk through metal detectors that were installed for security, the same ones they had installed in schools for security.

[@jb888888888]

In 1996 Bob Dole resigned from the Senate so he could campaign full-time.

[@Nevertoleave]

It should also be illegal for them to avoid answering a question or try to throw mud at an opponent. If in a debate or interview they get asked, “what do you think of” or “what is you plan for”, and they don’t actually say, “this is what I think of this,” “this is our goal and we’d like to accomplish it this way,” “this is our goal and well we’re still working on details I would like to see this and this happen with it,” or even just “I do not feel like I have enough information for an opinion/we do not know how we would like to address that issue yet,” then they should be kicked out of the race. If there are any attack ads, or in a debate they try to go, “unlike my opponent” then they’re kicked out. If you cannot stand on platform then you do not have anything to stand on. If you refuse to answer questions when interviewing for the job then why should anyone trust you to do the job?

[@freetolook3727]

There are European countries that practice that!

[@oldcrow6990]

You're better than a mental health therapist. As always, thank you for the laughs!

[@hhthompson9500]

"...it's hard to keep your back straight when you haven't got a spine!" You nailed it.... again

[@nmottagh]

I laughed so hard my belly hurts. One of the funniest monologues in a while!

[@cultureal9544]

My cat is now scared of me, busting out laughing randomly (on head phone).

[@russellcampbell9198]

Had me in tears of laughter. Hit that pipe, Mike!

[@Demmrir]

Oh my god, that Pompeo quote that somehow mentioned pipehitter, Grindr, and banging in one sentence to explain that pipehitter isn't a sexual thing is possibly the best political quote ever.

[@karengummer6657]

Zing! "It's hard to keep your back straight when you don't have a spine" best burn I've heard in a while

[@caroljo420]

*It's so good to see you back in front of a live audience!!!* One good thing about the time spent broadcasting from your home and office: we got to know Evie, and she's adorable!!! We've all fallen in love with her!!!

[@Whoopwhoopwhoop]

Nah

[@ulrichmuller8519]

@@Whoopwhoopwhoop 😂

[@dr.killmoretreeratologist8848]

His "private foundation"? Is that a non-profit or a charity? Hope so, cuz that will make it illegal.

[@suzannec4834]

They have nothing on him. It's just a show

[@barrettzbrowning]

Wow is Stephen happy! Great comeback to live shows. He’s punchin it. (Not pipe hitting) Audience psyched!

[@grecoroberts795]

I so love having Stephen back at the theater!

[@justinstorm30]

Is it just me or did Stephen just get his groove back from being alone for so long? This was great.

[@carlechevarria2226]

I believe Stephen is much better with a real audience. I found it hard to listen to him talking to an empty room.

[@katherinegray5086]

He is so great where ever he does his show !! They say 'Laughter is the Best Medicine' & Stephen has brought a lot o of people great happiness through this lockdown & before .. I love his show 💙 Cheers from Australia 🇦🇺💜🇺🇸

[@vannshuttleworth4738]

Mike P. On "Grinder"? He don't see nothing wrong with a little "bump and grind"!

[@Karlthegreat84]

Mike Po would meat uh meet Mike Pe on Grindr.

[@jokelethkurueisner9229]

“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch, especially when all the eggs are rotten.”

[@cultureal9544]

Been there, in reality, not figuratively.

[@GRJ-uz7kf]

Colbert is a darned comic genius, as good as ever.

[@AC3handle]

So this was taped before the news about Trump's organization getting charged.

[@fl00d69]

Ohh the Trump _organisation_ ? So what? - this is America. No one will go to prison. There will be pissy fines they'll pay out of some slush fund they siphoned off idiot supporters, and they'll all walk away scott-free.

[@MrMojolinux]

@@fl00d69 Or a later Republican Administration finds a loophole ala Bill Cosby and sends the convicted traitors free!

[@TacoSniper666]

@Michael Robinson ohh hes human? i thought he fell off the short buss to a chocolate factory

[@AC3handle]

@@fl00d69 I dunno, we'll see how it goes. I mean if trump wants to fleece more supporters for cash, I guess that that's much less cash the supporters will have.

[@sempressfi]

@@TacoSniper666 😂😂😂

[@deanna4851]

Stephen, we can’t use water balloons to blow off our fingers we’re in a drought!

[@Leckfrosch]

We could use Gatorade. It‘s got electrolytes!

[@mostly-harmless]

for real, the water isn't a joke...

[@shahw2469]

wow 2 2 min ads mid sentence , youtube truly sucks . they are worse than cable

[@joannajamerson35]

Yep.

[@crypticzen9194]

Not even enough water to fill a bong purchased from a Hindu mart. It’s turning all my friends into pipe hitters.

[@bearbryant3495]

I know an old term for prison rape was "laying pipe".

[@pinkcat5011]

This was the most hilarious Stephen Colbert video yet! XDXDXD

[@sunrisemorninglory9109]

People send your paper straws to Texas. If we stockpile enough, us Texans can burn them in our fireplaces when we are freezing again this winter-spring

[@gamepapa1211]

Did Cruz escaped to Cancun again? We told you Texans to fill up his water bowl twice a day! You wanted him, so he's your responsibility!

[@HappyHarryHardon]

Nope. Y’all Texans have libraries full of fuel. You’re literally on your own. Your grid can’t accept help from anyone. Vote blue.

[@shirleyrombough8173]

As long as Abbott is governor we will definitely freeze next February.

[@shirleyrombough8173]

@@gamepapa1211 - No, many of us did not want Ted Cruz. Beto O'Rourke almost beat that louse. It's hard enough living in Texas. Must we be reminded so often about the evil that lurks here? Yet there is hope. We'll have some good candidates in 2022 and 2024. Maybe Beto will run for governor or senator again.

[@Tuturial464]

@@shirleyrombough8173 good luck pushing Abbot into the rio grande, and your senators like Cruz to Mexico and whoever the other piece of crap is

[@id10t98]

Marjorie Taylor Greene should just have her Jewish Space Laser Guardians stay on watch for any wildfires.

[@FlaminKanami]

lol

[@devonlockwood1477]

But don't you know it's the lazers that are causing them!?

[@cathieludemann5879]

She can send them to the TX-Mex border and save Gov Abbott tons of money on his border wall.

[@thomasljungberg6537]

Republicans are gona blame the satellite Binden talked about here.

[@deborahbrown8363]

She's got the TIME 😆

[@Swordtee40]

8:45 to 9:00 Amazing how this joke made it past the censors.

[@somethingclever4563]

I think Chris Cuomo handled that tweet perfectly 🤣

[@notsure1969]

Wow. All the things that we were warned about 20 years ago are coming true. Who would've thought?

[@valoriethechemist]

It’s almost like science (scientific examination of the physical phenomena occurring around us) doesn’t care if we believe in it or not...

[@aggressiveattitudeera887]

I had a totally *different* view of what a "pipehitter" was supposed to do and be. For example, I thought Mike Lindell would be more of a "pipehitter" than Mike Pompeo.

[@charlesstebbins7207]

Mike Pompeo is really opening up a can of worms with that one huh? 2/3 will be videos of people smoking weed from a bowl, 1/4 will be porn, & the last 1/12th will actually be people dumb enough to support Mike Pompeo. I still feel bad for whatever poor soul has to moderate that site, though.

[@catc8927]

@@charlesstebbins7207 This is the closest I’ve ever come to feeling sorry for Mike Pompeo. You’re right that the poor site moderator is the one who will get the brunt of it, though.

[@Hollins23]

@@charlesstebbins7207 As the ancient adages state: "Any publicity is good publicity." and "There's no such thing as bad publicity."

[@gamepapa1211]

@@Hollins23 you sure about that? Because I'm pretty sure using a slang for, let me consult my note here, "A person with an outwardly dominant, masculine, or aggressive personality, but who also enthusiastically takes on the submissive or "bottom" role in the bedroom" is most definitely NOT a presidential hopeful should be publicising.

[@RabblesTheBinx]

The only way Lindell is hitting any pipes is if they're loaded with meth.

[@cannibalculture4499]

He's DEFINITELY gonna have to change the whole "pipehitter" thing after he gets all the videos inspired by Colbert. Good God I love this man. Now if I only had a pipe...

[@geraldwheatley1933]

Come join the "Pipehitter's Union" ... All are welcome ...

[@samybasile]

"It's hard to keep your back straight when you don't have a spine" I think Hell felt that burn

[@danjohnston9037]

There Is New Hope For The Senate Demings In Florida. Fetterman In Penn. We Need More.

[@wanderer0617]

Love Fetterman! :)

[@robertwagner9933]

@@wanderer0617 I do think Fetterman has a good chance at a upset win

[@chloekey8043]

Tim Ryan for Ohio

[@CatchA_Music]

@RingsDaGamer6 Do you ALONE represent the entire State?

[@shannonbreen3732]

Did anyone notice that President Biden didn't suggest raking forests to prevent forest fires?

[@traekas7228]

IK,R? Biden’s not a craaazeh mofo, like the last one.

[@markrussell0420]

He didn't talk about exploding trees, either

[@gamepapa1211]

A well-adjusted human being for a President!? My GOD! What a novel concept!

[@japhetzayas7194]

And that he pronounced several multi-syllabic words without slurring his speech.

[@Surge1077]

I'm guessing Biden also didn't go on some rabid rant against windmills either.

[@personanon-grata5083]

I didn't know a Gag Order could include the physical gagging of someone. Wow.

[@NewMessage]

So.. 6 months before Cosby releases a book called "If I did it"?

[@jonathanchan3698]

Please do the "Hunger for Power" games segment when the primaries arrive :)

[@paoloadam]

I bet the first of the fallen GOP hopefuls is going to be Andrew Giuliani, who received a pretty solid 0% support in this week's New York Republican straw poll, scoring exactly zero votes. Don't be too sad for him, though: it may sound like a devastatingly humiliating defeat, but by Giuliani family standards, it was just another Wednesday...

[@fredherfst8148]

🇨🇦Biden's statements on lightning detection is old news for meteorologists. The north American lightning detection network has been operational since the 1990's. I was partially responsible for setting up the Canadian portion. Even got an award for it. He's right that it has been used a lot to fight lightning sparked forest fires for years. It's about time the general public knows about it! Go Joe

[@Hollins23]

Your comments just made me check it out. Thanks for that! :)

[@geraldwheatley1933]

I did not know that ...

[@Greentrees60]

Go Fred!

[@fredherfst8148]

@@Greentrees60 👌

[@calinasagilitypartner4444]

That's cool that you got an award for your work! Congrats!

[@CJA32able]

That last joke before I had to get out of the car and come into work 😂 😂

[@sshza2143]

8:58 'pulling together til everyone is finished.' high end funny funny.😁🤣🤪🕺✌😎

[@ChrisAlbertH47]

Cotton was in the army wasn't he? That was the lamest pushups I have ever seen from someone with military training. The other guy can be excused on account of being a fossil.

[@jf6962]

She's counting and I'm like ... zero....zero..zero 🤣

[@ChrisAlbertH47]

@@jf6962 I was actually taking points _off_ for bad form.

[@angiebear8727]

Those wouldn’t even count as push ups in a grade school gym class. Yes… zero. Zero. Zero 😆

[@kathcasey2090]

His writers and the delivery were awesome tonight!

[@beequinn5204]

Stephen your on firê tonight, brilliant Jokes about Mike Pompeo great show

[@AshleyGriffinHeart]

Colbert with the shade!! 😂😂 Dying on the floor with the spine comment…

[@janyceparks8326]

If it is the National Guard, can't the President deem it illegal?

[@user-nf9xc7ww7m]

He can federalize the troops like JFK and other presidents did during the civil rights.

[@JohnHoffman65]

I believe the President has the final say.

[@premalmartin3246]

I hope so, cause if the army could be bought, then we are totally fucked.

[@stevenandreasen1553]

"Thunder namies, leaf herpies, getting strangled by a rainbow." Stephen, are those disasters or the new flyers for Dominatrix Disaster Daddies?

[@darthvirgin7157]

GQP presidential contenders now mercilessly descending on Iowa.

[@LisaLisa001]

I was dying when he said leaf herpes. I'm standing here like, leaves are so innocent!!

[@gamepapa1211]

Don't forget the fire tornadoes, and yes, that's real. Not even a joke.

[@gamepapa1211]

@@Cog_Nomen the WHAT!?

[@zoeydeu2261]

Names of my new bands

[@willenholly]

Tom Cotton is US Army Ranger qualified but you wouldn’t know it there.

[@cultureal9544]

Dang, the military is getting soft.

[@Kigen763]

I come back to this video all the time. Pipe hitters 😂

[@PerovNigma]

Man, Stephen turned into John Oliver as soon as "Pipehitter" videos were brought up.

[@erikaiam8864]

Barring the cuss words of course 😁

[@tonyfan3]

The show’s lawyer must literally sit on the stage behind the camera with the cue cards

[@jamesmocharski4803]

So good to have you back in front of a live audience again!

[@lumpy0100]

Thanks Stephen Colbert Et Al. 🙂

[@223Drone]

Bill Cosby goes free but not Britney Spears. To say that the justice system in the US is crap would be a massive understatement.

[@id10t98]

Justice ILikeBeer Kavanaugh and Amy Coney-Island Hotdog werent your clues?

[@223Drone]

@@id10t98 This was the Pennsylvania supreme court not SCOTUS.

[@Marijuanifornia]

Donald Rumsfeld just died, so there's at least some good news. Granted, he died rich in his home instead of poor in prison, which kind of proves the lacking of the US justice system, but still. Let's be optimistic.

[@JonahNelson7]

It's the justice system of states, not the justice system of the country. Take 45 seconds to look up this information next time

[@Nileshpandey0907]

I love this show. Bet wishes from India.

[@stespfr]

I *KNEW* he would advice Cuomo to send a video to Pompeo! Thank you Stephen, you made me laugh today! From Paris with love!

[@allanguindon2156]

Why doesn't everyone just rake the leaves. That's what Donald Dump said, and he knows everything. Remember when he said all you have to do to reduce forest fires is rake the leaves?

[@Camey71073]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 loved tonight's show!!! Miss hearing Evie's laugh though...

[@thisistheaccountname]

Make sure y'all go out and vote in each of your local, state, and presidential elections like you're voting #45 out of office again. Remind your family and friends to vote as well. Y'all, don't reply to the Russian Trump Bots. It only fuels them to keep posting.

[@victorarredondo304]

Vote Republican. Remove every racist unamerican democrats & save America. ❤

[@gregbors8364]

@@victorarredondo304 You should have told black voters that Democrats are the “racist” party. 87% of them voted for Biden

[@victorarredondo304]

@@gregbors8364 we did. Yet they didn't get it. But hey according to sleepy joe, if u don't vote for him they're not black.

[@josemustang65]

copy and paste!!!

[@Aethelbeorn]

@@gregbors8364 'If you don't vote for Biden then you aint black...'

[@thepolitecanadian117]

You now have a president that knows what a lightening sensor array is....how wonderful!!

[@NewMessage]

* Insert Piper Perry meme with Mike Pompeo's head photoshopped over hers here *

[@kanisereyes1694]

Totally missed the opportunity for saying "Geoffrey the giraffe all grown up, Tom Cotton."

[@davidlundquist1979]

Are we pretending that Toys R Us didn't go out of business years ago? Or are we assuming that this was a joke specifically for '80s kids?

[@thefriendlygamer2221]

@@davidlundquist1979 actually toys r us is looking for a small comeback and it wasn't that long ago when toys r us closed.

[@Metalbass10000]

Dishonesty, cheating, doing as little as possible, while trying to present the image, the appearance, of doing something is such a normal everyday way of life for Repugnacan'ts that he is actually cheating on doing halfway down push-ups in a public push-up contest within 87 year old man. So pathetic it's perfectly fitting.

[@nelsonclub7722]

It's almost as if its a requirement to join.

[@nelsonclub7722]

@J. A. Good one.

[@silverblue73]

You can fake your intentions, but you can't fake pushups

[@puellamservumaddominum6180]

@J. A.deflect much what does that have to with statement at top of thread. Can't you atleast defend him in his cheating? Ofcourse not because you saw the cheating yourself but now want to deflect which is normal republican 101.

[@castonyoung7514]

How was he cheating at doing half way push-ups? I can see you calling those half push-ups or cheating, but not both.

[@DyneTreal]

They both have miserable pushup form; none of those push-ups count per US Army Regulation 7-22.

[@FacePlant1324]

Killing it woth the monologue and meanwhile every day

[@robhunter7245]

Bill Cosby being released on a technicality is disgusting.

[@Marijuanifornia]

But he'll still die in disgrace, so that's at least something.

[@midwid2809]

Who does Tim Scott think will vote for him? Ever again.

[@Tuturial464]

Only fools

[@adamjohns7963]

He doesnt even "read" of a teleprompter, and his always pronouncing things correctly

[@veronicavarela2041]

Oh, there are a lot of idiots in America

[@missyroades4533]

3/4 of SC unfortunately

[@midwid2809]

@@missyroades4533😡 yeah I know.

[@rattified]

Good ones tonight, Colbert. you're on fire with the knee slappers

[@MrPirate40]

My neighbor won't mow his grass. How much for a couple of Marines to get him to change his mind?

[@foppishdilletaunt9911]

Orange Julius Cæsar announced today that he has made up his mind about 2024. The giftiest grift continues...

[@victorarredondo304]

And he will win. Americas favorite president

[@Tuturial464]

@@victorarredondo304 favorite ridiculous president to laugh at

[@Dan-ud8hz]

"Per hunc… castissimum ante regiam iniuriam sanguinem iuro, vosque, di, testes facio me D. Trumpinium Superbum cum scelerata coniuge et omni liberorum stirpe ferro igni quacumque dehinc vi possim exsecuturum, nec illos nec alium quemquam regnare Americae passurum." Oath of Brutus (Revised)

[@rdavis15242007]

@@victorarredondo304 Like he "won" in 2020? You lot out there, be careful. Covid can cause extreme brain damage, the most severe case we know of is causing a man to think he won the presidency despite losing by 7,000,000 votes.

[@victorarredondo304]

@@rdavis15242007 didn't you guys cry in 2016???

[@edsova5089]

The GQP primary: the Qannon Shaman .vs. the podium theif .vs. the man who put his feet up on Nancy Pelosi's desk

[@mekullag9787]

don‘t forget the couple that threatened peaceful protesters with loaded guns for the terrible crime of walking past their house while black

[@elram2649]

@@mekullag9787 And those that pooped inside the Capitol and smeared the walls with it. ...high standards those GQP'ers.

[@gamepapa1211]

It's starting to look more like a freakshow than a proper primaries.

[@cc1k435]

Sigh... I don't know if we can all be any more sick of this whole group, but we're about to spend three years finding out. 😬

[@MrSpankee02]

@@mekullag9787 that’s mark McCloskey ,he’s actually running for senate if you can fathom that.

[@lazyperfectionist1]

9:21 😆😆😆🤣🤣🤣 Ohhh the _pranks!_ You phrase it like that, you're just _beggin'_ for pranks!

[@GRJ-uz7kf]

"It's hard to keep your back straight when you don't have a spine." Good writing.