Do You HAVE TO Invite Them?? | Wedding Guest List Rules

[@JamieWolfer]

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[@FranciscaRehbein]

I'm not from the USA what do I choose on "Which state is your wedding going to be in?"? I'd like to get the free checklist 😅

[@randim.7657]

My fiancé is struggling with not inviting one family member because of a bad past, but a couple members of his family are pressuring him because the cousin's "family" and time heals all wounds, etc., even though my fiancé hasn't talked with the cousin in at least 10 years. I told him you don't have to invite the cousin, especially since we're paying for the wedding! I found a perfect quote for this situation: "If there is a reason you are hesitant inviting someone to your wedding, then they're giving you the reason you don't want them there on your wedding day in the first place." Why spend your special day stressing out-- toxic people don't belong at your wedding.

[@vikicorona3916]

I love that! I'm sort of leaning towards inviting only cousins not their parents because my cousins include me in their lives, the parents exclude lol so Def hesitant on them

[@davetheauthor9885]

In regards to children, it's definitely okay if your wedding is child free. But then you can't get upset if someone with small children (especially babies/toddlers) is unable to attend because they couldn't find coverage.

[@josephinenelan4204]

As someone expecting (because of preliminary chats) an invitation to an out of state child free wedding when I’ll have a breastfed 3mo by then and 2 toddlers… my concern was hurting their feelings ever since that reddit story blew up. But I have no more guilt at the idea of saying no anymore. If you want a childfree wedding amongst cousins all across the country, you have to be the first cousin to get married before there are any children. 😅

[@annaburns2865]

That is fine. As long as they don’t get upset that they weren’t invited because I didn’t want a bunch of little kids and dogs to take over my wedding. The resentment goes both ways.

[@alwaysemilia]

@@josephinenelan4204 hey there! Id love to get your opinion. I have quite a few cousins with toddlers and kids under 12, who would have to travel on at least a 3 hour plane ride. I’m considering doing a child-free reception and hiring a sitter (or multiple) and provide pizza and snacks for the kiddos at the same location as the reception. The parents could then leave at bed time if they want to, but at least they could come for the meal and some dancing. The parents could of course choose to leave the kids at home, but I don’t want to have it be they come or they don’t. Just trying to think of creative solutions to make everyone happy. Thoughts?

[@marlena.]

Thats a great idea, make sure the kids are settle in comfortably though, they are in a strange place, with strange people watching them, kid can struggle hard with that. I'm in the Netherlands so never a plane needed, but I personally would never take any small kids to a wedding anyway.😅

[@btsarmyforever3816]

Indian here. You can probably already imagine my extended family. Our guest lists around 400-500 people veeery easy. The good thing is: The caterers plan it all and there is set menu. Our wedding plans are not as stressful as the western ones cause: Venue takes care of it all. It's why we don't RSVP. We just say "Come with your family and friends" Any leftover food is donated away to old age homes or orphanages.

[@princessraj5921]

Yes totally agree I am from the US but got married to my husband in his hometown in India and had zero wedding stress because yeah the caterer, wedding coordinator, and floating dining room took care of any issues of extra guests haha. We had some people show up with like 5 grandkids and several other relatives I think one lady we invited brought along 14 family members it was really cute they all had a good time. And yeah things like child free or not inviting someone even a neighbor doesn't seem to be an option here but I didn't mind because luckily all my husbands family and community are awesome and I love kids we had 11 kids as our bridal party they were so cute :)

[@sanxi34]

I just announced a group of 50-ish friends that I was going be inviting some people but not all and I did not want drama, if any of them would have their feelings hurt, I offered them having a chat with them in private so we can tackle the topic heart-to-heart. As overall reasons I gave 1) budget, 2) we're more than 50 people!! and so 3) I had to pick and choose people... I got a couple of private messages from people telling me not to worry, and 99% of the reaction were "dude, we're adults!! It's your wedding and have fun!! We'll celebrate in other ways!!"

[@victorialester1634]

What kind of group??

[@walterhollman8735]

We had a reception for the children. We spent our first married hour with the kids. Had a cake, music, etc. Then we left for the adult reception. The kids had games, a magician, their own dinner...worked out really well!!!

[@Mhaigalodon]

You did not just post this while I was on the phone with my sister talking about how difficult a guest list is when you’re Irish Catholic with a bajillion extended family members 😂

[@rachy5384]

I'm a quarter Irish - I feel you with the loads of family... I have 21 first cousins, yeah, all on my dads side (the Irish side), my mum is an only child

[@SeekerOfTruth13]

Or if you are of Irish and Scottish descent and they're half Mexican 😅

[@sistahgirlangel]

Yes, African with 100 family members

[@misty-annknights9714]

After all these years (5) of watching your content, I managed to successfully plan my parents' wedding and now I am engaged and planning mine and this video couldn't have come in a better time!

[@emilyl7619]

For weddings that are adults only I would also recommend putting that on save the dates (if you send them). I was surprised by the amount of people who thought their kids were invited even though I only addressed the save the dates to the adults

[@tsims1983able]

😮

[@JerryMander-y2x]

I suggest a round of phone calls to wrangle in responses ASAP and promptly addressing any errors of this kind. "There seems to be some misunderstanding. The invitation is for Homer and Marge Simpson. Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are not on the guest list. Do you need time to reconsider your response?" And then another such round of calls a week or 2 before the wedding "for a final head count" in which you make it clear that you can and will refuse admittance to anyone who arrives with extra, unexpected guests, that is you not you who will be embarrassed and feeling awkward, but anyone rude enough to ignore your clear stance that only those invited will be admitted. (Hint: Invite EVERY guest by name. If you don't know a name, find out. No "and family" or "and guest" shenanigans that way.

[@goldeetalks]

I've been watching you over a year, and it finally happened! I am three days engaged and so so excited to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. Thank you for your content and giving me the piece of mind knowing I can lean on your information and expertise jumping into wedding planning! We bought and started the master plan yesterday, it's already so helpful(and beautifully formatted❤). YOU ARE THE BEST👏

[@rachy5384]

How exciting! - congratulations on your engagement ❤️

[@carolinerobinette]

OH and also don't be afraid to set boundaries with your future in-laws if you or your side is paying! Like yes your fiance's family should be honored in the guest list but if you have a boundary on who should not be invited you absolutely have the right to speak up about it!

[@jonellereynolds9302]

We are paying for everybody's accommodation and meals for a whole weekend - I just said nothing more than 20 guests as this is the max sleeping capacity - My deciding factor was "do you know my dog's name". (I am a massive dog person - and yes she will also be attending the wedding).

[@rain7869]

I wish it were as simple as "would you buy them dinner" because we have to hit 100 people per the catering agreement, but I'd realistically buy maybe 15 people an $100 dinner lol. So much of it has to do with complex familial relationships- especially when both my partner and I have step-family as well as huge extended family to consider. Guest lists are wildly stressful.

[@pettiestofbettys]

I heard a rule a long time ago where if they don't know you as a couple then they don't need to be invited. Whatever that means to you

[@KikuAkachan92]

The guest list for our event has been a nightmare. There's been a massive falling out on my side of the family and my partner wanted to invite so many people. There are some people we really wanted but just forgot in the chaos of it all and now it's like, how do you say to someone, Hey you weren't intentionally left on a B-list, we just forgot? The guest list has probably been the most stressful part. 😔

[@jackiekocken366]

Giving a plus one to a member of a wedding party is also a perfect solution to traveling to and from different locations if you don't want to rent a limo.

[@meman6964]

Jackie K Do you mean the Plus1 will be driving the wedding party person to events?

[@danielleraso5419]

I heard sooo many people talk about having a hard time cutting guest list that when making mine, I was so confused because I felt guilty that we actually wanted everyone on the list. Including my mom’s friends. Honestly, made me feel really lucky to love everyone in my big family!!

[@Katie80-501]

I am so happy to have found this channel! I'm almost exactly 9 months out from my wedding (Jan 2024) and I'm planning the whole thing myself! These videos are SO helpful! Thank you!

[@kennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn1242]

I hope you had a beautiful wedding! ❤

[@amymarshall7741]

I told my sister we aren’t allowing kids at our wedding and she told our mom. So my mom (who never calls me) called me and guilted me, said she didn’t realize I don’t like my niece and that I’ve hurt a lot of people. She said if the child isn’t welcome they aren’t coming. She said “but it’s your wedding so you do want you want” and hung up on me. So yeah…that went well.

[@qween-sweepsprocleanllc648]

Don’t let them scare you OUT of what YOU want!

[@janieh3950]

@amymarshall7741 I'm going to guess that your mom tends to always guilt you 😢. I'm sorry for that. That is a control mechanism and your sister was aware that it would affect you this is why she told her. I hope all goes well for your event and I absolutely agree you owe no one on your big day. Plan the way you see fit. Especially if you and your spouse are the only ones paying for it

[@JerryMander-y2x]

IMO a parent has an inflated sense of entitlement to expect that people aren't allowed to have adult parties because poor pitiful parent might feel bad about not being able to attend. Well boo hoo hoo for you, did you think being a parent wouldn't curtail your social life?

[@anamariarodriguez2886]

Although my fiancé and I have very small families, we are leaders in our church community of 120+ people. Guest list has easily been the hardest part of planning as I’ve always wanted an intimate wedding of 50-ish people. We compromised on 85 and are having an “open” ceremony, which anyone can come to, with reception being by invite only. I have communicated this VERY DIRECTLY on Facebook and during church announcements. Interested to see if anyone attempts to sneak into the reception 😂. Even with bearing my heart and soul on Facebook and explaining the situation- people have still be butthurt about not getting plus ones (ie my friend who has been dating someone I’ve never met for four months) ugh God Bless us all on this wedding planning journey.

[@JerryMander-y2x]

I don't understand the idea that the one and only format for wedding is back to back ceremony and celebration with identical attendees like it's all one event. It's not. It is not incorrect to marry privately with minimal witnesses and then celebrate with a gala for 500 people. It is not incorrect to marry in a cathredral before 500 people and then celebrate quietly with a few intimates. ... Ditto for showers, bridal teas, girls' night out, &c. There is no "same guest list as the wedding" rule.

[@ItssMare]

Can you do a video about phrasing specifically? That would be SO helpful

[@mrnmrn1628]

The culture I come from ... - it is a good sign to have at least 1 child (or children) at one's wedding. - there is no inviting of "and guest/plus one". We only invite those we know. I agree with both these points.

[@junebass8785]

I would love to hear your opinion on doing a Microwedding and then doing like little dinners with different groups of family/friends over the next weeks.

[@junebass8785]

I'm introverted and the idea of a lot of people looking at me during the ceremony makes me uncomfortable. Also, at a big party, like a wedding, I feel like you'd never get the chance to really talk with the people attending since you have to keep moving to the next table.

[@jsheikh8]

100% what we are doing, for exactly the same reasons as you. I wouldn't mind a bigger gathering but my partner would hate it, so hopefully this is a compromise that will work for both of us. Have a great time!

[@kylieschamens3825]

this^^^ this is what I am considering also. A micro wedding one day and then a big reception the next day.

[@jasminetowler2025]

Making our guest list has actually been fairly easy! Space & budget made everything more simple. Our B-list is kind of long, but we put it in order of who we'd call first and who we know we wouldn't even notice isn't there last. I have many, many aunts and only invited those who I communicate with. If I wouldn't pay $150 for you out at dinner, then you're out! I was so hesitant at first, but when the reality of COST kicked in, decisions were made without hesitation. Anyone that RSVP'd "yes" to our engagement party and didn't show without communication also got cut. Anyone with any snarky remarks regarding the wedding... CUT! No random plus ones. No kids under 12 outside of family. No coworkers. Middle of a divorce? Soon to be ex-wife, CUT! Jamie, you have helped tremendously. Thank you!

[@kylieschamens3825]

you go girl! I like the way you handled it.

[@orionspero560]

It means being a little more direct about it, but a system of wait list invitations does seem to work for the a list B list without creating too much extra stress.

[@ADHDont]

Any tips for when your parents and inlaws have already verbally invited the whole extended family? We haven't even chosen a venue yet ^_^; (we REALLY want a small wedding)

[@rachy5384]

I know this is meant for Jamie but I thought I'd answer too - literally just tell them you didn't invite them, you wanted a small wedding (if that's what you want 100% that's what you should have)... Say you're sorry your parents/in-laws gave that impression but they were excited and hadn't consulted with you first. Finish with you hope feelings aren't hurt and you're excited to share the piccys with them afterwards. Good luck!

[@daysiashute2650]

Zoom is you’re best friend tell her they can go on zoom

[@Forbiddenkitty]

Tell your in laws and parents they can throw you a post wedding party at their cost, but the wedding list is already filled.

[@capture_diaries]

Respectfully...wtf? How do some parents think it's OK to invite everyone they know and their mother to someone else's event!? How entitled can you get!? I'd go simple: say the weddings are invite-only, and if you're not on the guest list, you're not getting in (politely, of course). You don't owe them an explanation. No invite FROM THE COUPLE, no entry.

[@Phoenixqueen69]

Our venue charged a flat fee per person for food and bar so we are saying 21+ only because otherwise we are paying bar for people not drinking OR underage teens will sneak drinks and that's a huge issue 😅

[@Druklet]

I just had the absolute best time at my friends' wedding last Saturday. It was such a beautiful, perfect night, but I don't want to consider the cost, especially since there were close to 400 people. I feel like I need to get them another present to say thank you!

[@AlliNW0nderland.]

Yea, I just let people know our contract has a set guest number at our venue and the venue already told us once that number is set it can only go down not up. Thankfully we arranged live-streaming so that will posted for everyone to view on the day. Plus, the cost is coming from me and my fiancé and we are buying a home at the exact same time.

[@Elphaboy]

I could not have found this video at a better time❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️👏👏👏👏👏👏 wow thank you💖💖💖💖💖💖

[@marcohernandez8520]

New sub. Love your tips. I dj weddings with my daughter and at times I feel like I'm coornating the events. Thank you

[@tash8491]

Literally started working on our guest list today 🙃 thanks Jamie!

[@Rachelhappyface]

Me: *watching this and getting stressed about who to invite to my wedding* Also me: *is completely single* 😂

[@kylieschamens3825]

girl same! Well I'm not single but I'm also not engaged and I got all imaginary stressed watching this lol 😂

[@m_here1]

God the kids thing! My sister for some reason had a very strange rule about babies/toddlers at her wedding. I say strange because (1) we have a lot of first cousins that were very young kids at the time and they had to be invited because they live in town and we see them all the time, and (2) it was only against babies/toddlers, and there were a lot of those on both sides of the family at the time. Night of the wedding and a family on the groom’s side came in from out of town and brought their baby. My uncle (also from out of town) got upset because his toddler couldn’t come but this other one did. Next thing you know, he and my sister are arguing during her reception. So basically, the rule was meaningless and it just caused drama. If you’re banning kids at all be VERY clear and strict.

[@OnyxCarbuncle]

My partner is struggling to even pick people. His problem is, "I'm not that close to many people" But he actually has a huge friend group.

[@platesweightspeaks]

Something one of my aunts said that really resonated with me about child free weddings- if you dont want children at your wedding you are inadvertently cutting out a lot of the women in your life ESPECIALLY if they would have to travel to get to your wedding. Finding overnight care to leave their kids at home, or finding a babysitter in a town they don't live in is really hard.

[@JerryMander-y2x]

So it is up to everyone else make every social event a child friendly sort of affair rather than up to parents to accept that parenthood interfere with one's social life? Someone is kind enough to offer "Would you care to enjoy food, drink, music, a good time at my expense" and the response is to resent that the invitation did not also include your minor children? Has "I regret that I am unable to accept your very kind wedding invitation" gone out of style?

[@platesweightspeaks]

@@JerryMander-y2x I didn't say it was, and it certainly isn't. Its just another point to consider for each couple when they are making that decision for their wedding.

[@travelvideos]

I don't have that feelings to go to weddings really. Before I went when invited out of obligation, but now I am thinking: if it is not 100% convenient for me then I will not go. But if you organize a weddings day as a jet ski fun day or as a sailing day on a yacht, then I might go. Ok, then it might seem that wedding is a side gig.

[@bropoke6799]

I'm having so much trouble with this lol. My fiance has like 10 uncles and aunts total and they each married and had 2 kids, and they're all getting married and having kids now (he's one of the youngest in his generation of the family). I keep trying to tell him I don't want to invite people I've never heard of until now. Considering we've been together for 3 years, if there has been no effort to introduce me to these people then they don't belong at our SMALL wedding but he wants everyone there. He also wants to let EVERYONE have a plus one. I don't want people in our wedding pics who probably won't be in our lives in a year or who we haven't met. I also have diagnosed social anxiety so meeting strangers on my wedding day is something I'd like to avoid lol

[@wonlinecrafts]

Great topic! Wedding guest lists are always tricky.

[@chynnasjrnl]

You do have some good tips however I feel only the people whose wedding it is determine who is invited. I have no need to seek validation from 300 + people who don't even call to see how I am doing let alone aren't around in my life. People who get offended that they are not invited have entitlement issues.

[@LifeofAriana578]

Period

[@carolinerobinette]

Yeahhhhh number one thing I learned is if your parents are paying then yes you do have to invite that extended family you haven't seen since you were ten young LADY

[@windsorwanders4998]

Which episode are you referring to in which you talk about the guest list vs who is paying? Thanks!

[@annejia5382]

I can remember what she was exactly saying about that but i cant remember which exact video. maybe it's one of these??? kzbin.info/www/bejne/j5OaYaqefpujgrc kzbin.info/www/bejne/qp25k5x5gJlngNE

[@blaireshoe8738]

My socially anxious self watching this video like 👁👄👁 I used to want a giant party full of all my and my partner's extended family, all my friends, everyone! Once I started mocking up a list, doubled the count assuming my partner would have equal guest slots, and realized just how insane that was... I started sorting! 1. Literally not a wedding without them (me and my partner- a courthouse witness can be chosen from the next tier.) 2. Most important inner sanctum (immediate family and best friend) 3. Would be absolutely amazing if they could come (absolute loveliest non-sanctum family/friends) 4. Would be great if they could come* 5. Would be nice if they could come* *It turns out social anxiety is great for culling lists, because while I still like the idea of a wedding over just a courthouse, being realistic I would happily drop both of these groups. I thought 100 total guests was a decent size when I first made this (pre-anxiety), and was quite pleased with myself getting my half down so low! The first 3 tiers, doubled for the groom to have an equal amount, would be under 20 guests, selves included. Much more manageable, cheaper, and only involves people that I'm not just happy to be sharing our day with, I'm genuinely EXCITED to share our day with!

[@AliceinDisneyWorld1125]

Do you have any advice about a no reception wedding? My fiancé and I were DREADING the idea of having a reception, and we finally got talked into eliminating it since we hated it so much, and it's so LIBERATING! BUT! Some help communicating that to the guests and a list of what shouldn't get nixed along with the reception could help a lot.

[@JerryMander-y2x]

OK , it's too late for this asker, but for anyone reading. You ask people to attend your ceremony by saying formally "The honor of the presense of / [write in each name]/ is requested at the marriage of/Lou Lenny Lean, daughter of blah blah, to Fred Frankie Fatz, son of blah blah, at Time, on Date, at Place." There is no RSVP with these as they are not invitations technically. The reasoning comes from the days when every wedding ceremony was a church wedding and so GOD was the host, not couple or parents. The inclusion of parents' names is optional; it helps old people and historians understand who exactly it is that is getting married. ... I suspect that anyone expecting a reception to follow will be contacting your for more information. That's when you tell them you aren't planning any celebration. ... No, you do not OWE those who attend the ceremony any sort of compensation. It is distasteful to suggest that those who attend are expected to be "paid," to suggests that hosts provide a celebration from any motive but a generous wish to share their joy with people they care about.

[@lizard3755]

There are a few family members I don't especially want to invite, but I know it will hurt my mom if I don't invite them so I'm having to just bite the bullet and add a few more people to keep the peace. We're trying to keep things on the smaller side because we're paying for basically everything and can't afford to invite our entire extended families or some family friends, even though I'd like to have some of those people with us.

[@igitha..._]

My brother's wedding is tomorrow. He invited me then uninvited me when I was trying to RSVP in the positive, deciding that was the moment to drag me through the mud, for no good reason I might add. I had let him live with me at two separate properties, I had given him birthday and Christmas presents, I had bought him an engagement present, I had bought a dress to wear, and was spraying my shoes to match the dress...... and he claimed I didnt care?

[@jordanvandervelde8086]

Riddle me this! Scenario: Wedding is this June, 2023. Guest list consists of immediately family only. Serious question: Am I obligated to invite my sister (one of three) who I BARELY ever ever ever speak to, and who recently EMAILED my parents and told them she was cutting them out of her life, mere weeks before she gave birth to twin girls? The twins were born in November and aside from texting to say congratulations, I have not spoken to my sister since, nor met the twins. I don't want to regret not inviting her down the line if relationships are ever repaired, but I also don't need a small and intimate event to become awkward because my sister shows up with her kids whose lives my parents aren't allowed to be a part of. Help!

[@jordanvandervelde8086]

More context: My fiancee and my sisters husband are cousins so they are very much part of our circle.

[@tigercomet23]

She didn’t cut you out of her life like she did your parents, and she’s your sister… I’d invite her, and allow her to make the choice of whether she chooses to attend or not.

[@RonnieRancid]

My brother and my dad are both very important to me, but my brother and dad hate each other, and my brother doesn't like my dads family. I feel the same way honestly. I'm not that close to my family but they think I am. They all have this communal sense of entitlement that they get to be there when really I just want to invite my brother, my dad, and one of my cousins.

[@RonnieRancid]

This process has been the most stressful of anything

[@desertfish6239]

I invited a couple of cousins I am close with. Other cousins who are older and never kept in touch with, no. Co-workers/boss--no. I didn't socialize with them after work so no need to invite them. Children, I didn't give it a thought. Some came, and other parents got a sitter. The kids didn't interfere with anything and some adults did not show up so it all evened out. My fiance and I paid for everything. We told our parents they could each invite 3 close friends. Everyone seemed to have a good time. We only had 60 people.

[@kristen_sears]

I'd like to hear more about your opinion and solution to not doing an A list and B list! We feel kind of forced to do A and B. 100% of the obligatory family are out of town and take up the majority of seating capacity at the venue... So we know most of them won't come but I can't send out 140 invites if the venue cap is 110 and feel safe.... The A wave and B wave makes us feel safer to not go over our venues capacity ... if that makes sense

[@johnrainsman6650]

Hey, can someone explain this wedding joke to me? I saw this happen in the hall near my brother's wedding reception. A female banquet manager was upset with a caterer, who had signed up for a one-person shift. She said she didn't think he could successfully do the service alone. She was sternly all, "I've told you not to sign up for shifts by yourself, I've been very clear about that, I don't know how much clearer I can get for you to listen. You need someone there to give you instructions and guide you." And then the caterer said, "You know, I'm beginning to see why you manage wedding receptions." What does his comeback mean? Whats the implied reason?

[@petercdowney]

If a couple choose not to invite me to their wedding, then I would greatly appreciate some reassurance that they genuinely appreciate me nonetheless. Let's hope that's never too much to ask.

[@tnunez0706]

Great info. Thx!!

[@annaburns2865]

I’ve been married for 4 years and 2 years before I got married two of my 4 brothers got married in the same year. My youngest brother didn’t give me pictures of his wedding and this was hard for me as people at work were always asking me questions about it and wanted to see pictures. But my middle brother blew it off like at least there were great pictures of the couple on Facebook. None were of me though. So when my middle brother got married, I hoped that he at least understood that I wanted photos. My mom and had to help watch my oldest brothers kids as all my brothers were yet again the groomsmen. My nephew tried to poke his sister ms with a safety pin during the ceremony and even tickled me in the armpit during family photos. And I just grinned and bare it, hoping that at least this time I would get pictures. Still no pictures. So when my husband and I got married, it was small. I wanted to get married before family could come into town and cause chaos. My mom was still there and she took pictures and sent them all to my brothers. She even told people in town like at her pharmacy that I got married without telling me. I had to go through her and my brother’s smear campaign for not inviting my brothers. And even then, when we had the “reception” at her house a week later, my brothers and their kids made it all about them and one even them even had a dog that went right up to my husband and licked his face all over. I was jealous but just glad that the dog didn’t lick me! So am I wrong for not inviting my brothers to my wedding when I knew they were going to cause chaos. Because 4 years later at least one of brothers is still holding a grudge. This may be partly because two months before my wedding my mom let them know that they weren’t invited without letting me know. I found out when they confronted me about it. Seriously, even my husband doesn’t know why mom suddenly became toxic around the time of our wedding. I guess she always was, but I was too naive too see it before.

[@aletheawitmer]

Jamie, what do you think of wedding without reception? Me and my fiance are international couple, and both of us are very introverted people. We wanted to have ceremony open to any extended family or friends to attend as they wish, but after the ceremony, instead of reception, we wanted to give thank you gift to anyone who came and greet them, and then later have very intimate family gathering with just his direct family and my direct family(which is about 25 people), also to give them an opportunity to get to know each other better as well since one side of our family will be flying over from another country and they won't get to see each other or know each other well in other occasions. Also because it's sooo difficult to draw the line between which relatives to invite to reception because of family situation. Is it rude to invite people to ceremony just for them to go home after witnessing our wedding without reception? (We honesty really don't want to spend so much of our savings to feed people we rarely see🙈 Yes, we're covering the costs on our own. But we also don't want people rolling eyes at our decision haha)

[@rachy5384]

Jamie will answer properly of course, but just reading through this I think no it's not rude it's totally fine. It will be lovely for people to witness your ceremony (that's the main bit after all, when it comes down to it the reception is just a fancy party). It is an easy one to explain - blame budget and remind people of how you are both introverted. It's your day, and you shouldn't do anything you feel uncomfortable about. I think it sounds like a lovely plan to have direct family meet each other after 😊 good luck xx

[@rachelkrumenauer531]

In theory, I think that it's a lovely idea and you deserve to be comfortable on your wedding day. However, some guests might feel that since they took the time to come, especially if it's long distance, they expect to be wined and dined. It's not the right attitude for guests to have, but people are going to be people. If you decide to go this route, be very clear with your guests to what your idea and game plan is.

[@alannaalbritton381]

I get it. I really do get it however I think you should feed your guest even if it’s hor doeuvres or make it very very clear that it’s just a ceremony. If the guest travel and bring gifts they should be able to mingle and greet your two which kinda means some form of food or nourishment. The ceremony is the most intimate part so I would focus on the people who absolutely love you and not invite the people you rarely see to cut cost. But obviously it’s your wedding!

[@alexkass5548]

a question i have about inviting certain people. So me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 7 years now. My father has never liked him to the extent of wanting to withhold help from me because he doesn't want my boyfriend to benefit from it. When i get married how do i navigate potentially not inviting my father? How do i navigating inviting him if i want my step mom there? Should i risk it if he might try and ruin the wedding out of spite?

[@macim8813]

I was not given a plus one at my friend’s wedding and honestly I was really pissed off about it. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years, and they did no ring no bring!

[@JerryMander-y2x]

It would be interesting to know the origins and history of this idea that hosts are obliged to invite not only married/engaged couples as couples, but are also obliged to provide extra seating and extra refreshments to each single guest. Why on earth would one expect to entertain a date at the expense of those generous people who have invited you to join their wedding celebration? ... Hosts may choose to offer to invite a special friend for some or all single guests, but this is an act of generosity and probably not be expected in most cases.

[@danettevanrooyen6158]

Do I NEED to invite my parents even if we have been astranged for a few months now because they are 'CRAZY'? And do I NEED to make my siblings bridesmaids and groomsmen?😅

[@princessraj5921]

Lol my husband is Indian and got married in India. We had to invite everyone including neighbors and there is no rsvp in India if you invite someone be prepared they might bring their 5 grandkids and 6 other relatives lol. Luckily, wedding coordinators and cooks in India prepare to cook extra food haha. Adults only is not in anyone's vocabulary over here and luckily I love kids so I was fine with it we had 11 kids as our bridal party and they were adorable but if you marry someone from an Asian culture be prepared. I feel lucky I loved all my guests and there was no one I wouldn't invite because even the neighbors see your wedding lights at the house and will expect an invite.

[@titocantarero1330]

Unless it’s my best friends wedding I could care less about going to a wedding. I had to leave my sisters wedding a little early to go to a concert I had bought tickets to months in advance so yeah. I’m talking the wedding ended at 9 I left at 8.

[@rivertheservicedoodle1730]

How would I word it for not inviting my brother and his wife when they ask because my sister in law is ONLY drama and I don’t want that stress

[@Aisha-Me]

I love your videos and this one has helped so much! I do have a question since I've been struggling with this, I have a huge amount of extended family, I have cut it to the people i am veery close to quite easily, but.. There is this one cousin I am close to and I love, but she has 2 sisters, sisters that i haven't spoken to in decades... But them as sisters are very close, like speaking every day sort of close. And of course, my Aunt (mother's sister) and uncle... I would like to only invite her, The one, but I think it would look awful for her to be invited but not the rest of the bunch... What is everyone thoughts on this? I'm thinking of not inviting her at all just to avoid paying for the 4 people i don't care about.

[@laurenmichelle326]

aita for saying no kids but having my own 18 month old at the wedding

[@LifeofAriana578]

No you’re not.

[@midnightedevane4131]

I was so stressed planning my wedding trying to invite everyone who I wanted and their partners because we invited over capacity (150) and I was worried SICK about it. Only about 50 people total was there including us and our wedding party 😅. 100 people RSVP yes and only about 30 showed from those people with no explanation or notice. I don't talk to them anymore

[@barbaraframpton9466]

That's terrible.

[@LiloG123]

I feel so slighted when my husband gets invited and I don’t or anytime I’m referred to my husband’s guest or plus one.

[@JerryMander-y2x]

Every guest should be invited by name, even small children! If someone knows your husband well enough to invite him to wedding, then that someone certainly knows your husband well enough to contact your husband and ASK what your name is! I suggest that next time this happens your husband call the hosts to thank them for the invitation -- and tell them that he won't be needing a plus one, but will be expecting an invitation for his wife, does he want them to spell her name? ... The reason everyone is invited by name is (1) to make clear who is and who is not invited and (2) because there is no polite way to say "You may attend my party but I don't care enough about you to find out what your name is."

[@Izzy4731]

14:25 Someone should say this to my boss. She talks about her wedding all the time, & not a single one of her six employees were invited.

[@zarawilliams7424]

Can you make a video on veils or ideas for people that have had cancer. Please help

[@kylieschamens3825]

can you please tell me what make up you're using, especially the eye make up. Also how do you get your teeth so white?

[@victorialee1239]

Hot take: A -C lists are only possible if you are sending invites electronically

[@tracksuitrob5348]

How do you go about the situation when the person your marrying has a really controlling and invasive family and you lowkey don’t want to invite any of them? 😅😂 I know I can’t expect him to not invite his family but jeez, they ruin every event they are invited to and I’m so nervous they’re gonna mess up our wedding too.

[@tracksuitrob5348]

Also can you make a video about how to keep people from bringing up religion if you want a non religious ceremony? Or if you already have one can you direct me to it.

[@rachy5384]

Speak to your fiance about it. Definitely he will be the one to help navigate his controlling family. Family politics are hard, but your fiance will be there by your side - try not to worry

[@JerryMander-y2x]

I'm probably too late, but please please please postpone this wedding for a few years. Don't marry into this family until you feel GOOD about marrying into this family. You just marry one person, you join a family. Don't join a gang of nasty psycho creeps no matter how much you want to get married it isn't worth it.

[@talentdzviti]

Hi Jamie, thanks for the video, so I live in England but I'm from South Africa, my fiancé and I are having our engagement party in the UK and wanted to invite our friends (mostly mine from church) to the engagement party, but our wedding is going to be in South Africa. Is it a good idea to invite them to the engagement party but not the wedding (only a few handful from church will be invited to both) but I know that most people at the engagement party (if invited) wouldn't really come to South Africa for the wedding anyways because it will cost them at least £800 ($1000)

[@JerryMander-y2x]

I don't know about UK or SA, but I know that in the USA this idea that every wedding related event must have an identical guest list is The Wedding Industry making un-authorized revisions of etiquette. A party's guest list is determined by the party's hosts. If someone is generous enough to give a party with the newly engaged couple as guests of honor, that generous someone isn't expected to consult with the couple about who to invite or not invite. A host MAY ask bride or groom if there is someone who should or should not be invited, but the idea that wedding hosts determine other people's guest lists? Piffle. ... Ditto for showers. Hosts make the guest list; the bride is merely the primary guest. If the bride wants to control the party, she is free to host all the parties she wants at her own expense excepting she can't host parties about her getting gifts.

[@kitkat2114]

One of the two things I would have changed about my wedding was not worrying about the guest list so much and just saying yes. (Mind you I recognize this comes from a place of privilege and hindsight). The other was my dress/the fit of my dress but that’s a long story lol

[@nanao.3101]

Can you elaborate on this?

[@kitkat2114]

@@nanao.3101 We were picky about who got plus ones and set and age limit of 19+ (drinking age). Some family didn't come because of this and I wish I had just said yes instead of being set on "rules".

[@LearnPolishwithEvaKam]

literally for me was life partner or engaged , and unfortunately there is a bff of my future hubby who is not invited with his gf of few months , sorry but we'd have other people we'd prefer in that place. it's not like we dont like her, we're just not close with her

[@rachy5384]

Right, I like this video (and all Jamie's videos tbh she's amazing) - but I can't listen to this vid without raising something up... Okay so what it is is that people who are having an "adults only" wedding, you do you there's nothing wrong with that. But please don't expect all the mommas you invite to come. I'll tell you a little story - last year I went to one of my closet friends weddings and it was an adults only affair. It was beautiful it really was. I did a reading in the church for her and it was very special. Money was not an object to them, they didn't want kids because, and quote my friend "I don't want littluns screaming in the church and ruining my day". So I thought fair enough but I'm sure any Momma or daddy who had a screaming kid would take them immediately out of the church, but whatever... Now myself and my fiance are engaged. We both come from big family's (he's Indian and I'm a quarter Irish - loads of cousins that type of thing). To us family is very important. Load of our family members have kids. And we love kids. Which obviously helps. To me, a wedding is all about the family and kids and the whole experience - you can party with you friends anytime. A wedding is special for family. And we'll have kids in our wedding and I know it will be all the better for them being there. Another thing is after we get married and when we come back from our honeymoon we're going to try for a baby... We're both super excited. But I know if another friend of mine (I don't care how close to me they are) invite me to an "adult only" wedding, I won't go. Mainly because I'll have my kids to look after and if myself and my to-be husband (by then he'll be my husband) both get invited we have to pay for childcare which would be ridiculous when we are already paying to go to a wedding. When people put something on the invite (like my friend did) to the affect of yay come and have a night off partying with us, they're forgetting that for parents that's not really a night off. I wouldn't have fun if I was thinking of the cost of the childcare and worrying if my kids are okay. Tbh a night off for me from the kids would be myself and hubby going out for a nice meal and probs leaving the kids with a sibling of either mine or his. That is a night off. Not frankly someone else's wedding. Again, like I say, if anyone reading this plans to have an "adults only" wedding of course you should do that if that's what you want... Just don't be surprised or upset is any of your mummy friends or family can't make it. It's not an insult to you, it's often that it doesn't make practical sense to go if the child/children get left behind. Sorry for this mamouth message, just needed to bring it up. The friend I mentioned who did this I love her and am super close to her, but I went literally because we don't have any kids yet... Just something to think about. Hope some people who get to the end of this comment agree. Love to all who, like me, are getting married this year 😍👰🏻‍♀️🤵🏽‍♂️🥂

[@MarsyseKellyMccool]

Well my wedding is on a beach in the evening at night. Alcohol will be served and parents don't watch their kids. See the liability there? I wouldn't want any of them to wander off onto the beach at 9pm unsupervised (reception venue is also on the beach) and also me personally I don't care if mommas come or not based on their children. The day is about the BRIDE and GROOM! I would be more upset if my groom wasn't able to make it versus a family member in which I gave a whole year to make arrangements for said children.

[@JerryMander-y2x]

I don't get it with hosts feeling insulted at people regretting they are unable to attend. OF COURSE people with children may be unable to attend, even if they live nearby. They have kids! This is hard to understand? Hosts are free to give whatever kind of party they wish including adult parties. Those invited are free to not accept the invitation. Why would there be hard feelings on either side?

[@fridagonzalez9392]

where are those spresdsheet she is talking about?? im trying to work on this asap!!

[@lynnestuckey8632]

One advantage of working at a hotel. None of my coworkers except to be invited or the hotel will not run that day.

[@sophieadams1813]

What if your on a team with 20+ people? I’m close with two of them who will be bridesmaids. I want some, but cannot (afford to) invite all. Any tips on how to pick who to invite or what to do?

[@julia.md2b707]

Just got invited to a wedding without a plus one. We’ve been together for five years and the wedding is out of town. I’m a little annoyed

[@chloe5susan]

Yes, I would be also

[@stosh6586]

I don’t blame you. I would be annoyed as well. I can understand no plus one if you have been together for 5 weeks or even 5 months, but 5 years? Will you attend on your own?

[@fofita17]

Depending on how important that person is to me…. I would decline attending. If someone is close to me and didn’t invite my hubby, I’d be offended

[@Phoenixqueen69]

My cousin didn't give me a plus 1 when my bf (now Fiancé) and I were together for 4 years 🙄

[@rachy5384]

To be honest with you - for our upcoming wedding we are not giving anyone a plus one, I know this is contraversial... But it's not as bad as it sounds. So we're having a very family focused wedding. A large majority of the guest will be family members from either my side or his. The friends we've invited we have included their partner if their partner counts as someone we both know well enough to want them there. The way we did this meant that only 2 of my friends have their partners with them (these are not plus 1s, their names are written on the invitation as well). My other close friends all have been invited singularly (this includes a friend who's been married for 4 years - we invited her and her child who calls me auntie but not her husband who neither me or my fiance like). I was worried about telling my friends their partners (husband even) are not invited, but they all took it super well. We have budget restraints and had to choose pit guest carefully, massively prioritising family. I think the biggest thing here is that when people decide a guest list they really need to think would they be happy if this person cannot go due to then not having a plus one (ie. It is far for the guest to travel alone)... For myself and my fiance if none of our friends could come for that reason we don't mind, because our wedding is more for the benefit of family. A nice way to include friends who literally haven't made the cut is go out with them separately, have a good time with them... Weddings are what the couple chose it to be. To bring back to your original comment Julia, I probs wouldn't go if my fiance wasn't invited mostly for travel reasons (I don't drive and so would use public transport to get to a wedding which might be an absolute mare to navigate). Think carefully about how much you like the person who invited you

[@JerryMander-y2x]

Those adults who cannot or will not be separated from their offspring are free to send regrets. Hosts don't need to justify or apologize for not inviting children; those invited don't need to justify or apologize for not accepting the invitation. ... That you invite a few young nieces or nephews who are very dear to you does not oblige you to invite every child of every guest -- not even every neice or nephew. ... "Plus One" is invited if and only if some poor soul is named Plus One. EVERY guest is invited by name, even tiny children. The way to allow someone to entertaing a date at your expense is to ask "Is there someone special you'd like me to invite for you?" and then send that someone their very own invitation. There is no polite way to say "You may attend my party, but I don't care enough about you to find out what your name is." If you don't know someone's name, FIND OUT. ... Nice presentation, not a lot of cackle and silliness and personal stories, just workable understandable advice.

[@maboelnreads]

I didn’t have a problem including kids. It was just difficult having to turn down dogs! 😂

[@EmilyCheetham]

I will only offer +1’s to family and married couples.

[@JerryMander-y2x]

I don't understand a married couple bringing an extra person.

[@monicapiggott6059]

Could you share about wedding etiquete for divorce parents.

[@Housewarmin]

My problem is a lot of my family is older. Like 60+ years old. While I love them, I want to have a great time at my wedding, not with a bunch of old people who want to be in bed by 7pm

[@Phoenixqueen69]

I have this same issue! I want to dance and have fun but most of my extended family just sits at the table looking miserable at weddings 🙄

[@mrnmrn1628]

Lol !

[@meman6964]

Im 68, I plan to party and dance after my renewal 50th Golden Anniversary ceremony 🎉🎉. Don't be agist, this is a privilege to have long contact life!!! You could die young and miss out, be kind, time WILL catch you too

[@MarsyseKellyMccool]

Have an after party! My wedding ends at 9pm sharp and then the younger crowd will ride down to the city to hit the clubs! I have a change dress and everything

[@alisonsmith7162]

We had a 9.30am wedding, and we were home by 3pm.

[@jenniferdaniels701]

The child free rule- I think that at the wedding, as long as the kids aren't interrupting, is fine. But if you want a wild reception after, that can be child free. The receptions go late, the alcohol, kids don't belong there.

[@rosecoon1791]

I’m trying to figure out what vendors I need to give a formal invitation to. I’m having a lot of trouble finding information about this. I know the photographer and his staff are getting formal invitations. But what about the cake maker, the make up artist, the person who made my silk florals, the DJ, who incidentally works as a staff person for the venue. I know that I’m supposed to invite some vendors but I don’t know which ones to get official invitations and which ones don’t.

[@JerryMander-y2x]

One invites guests, not vendors. You may be thinking of vendor meals, which your service people will likely appreciate. Ask your food service provider. You might also consider provding something like bagels for vendors and staff to munch on. Find out from your venue where vendors and staff can go to enjoy a break, a cup of coffee, their meal, a snack. Like any other service worker, your vendors deserve a get away space of their own.

[@rosecoon1791]

@@JerryMander-y2x the food is provided by the venue. We are not allowed to bring in outside food, unless it comes from a licensed company and is approved by the venue. The DJ is scheduled by the venue and he works directly for them. There will probably be about 15 or so staff at the venue, weight staff, the manager, the bartenders and the DJ. It’s around $100 a plate which includes alcohol. I’m pretty sure the photographer said him and his staff get formal invitations. It’s him, his wife and his two adult children. I don’t think he is expecting that I will invite the spouses of the two adult children. And then my make up and hair artist, and her assistant will be there for several hours with us before the wedding, I’m not sure if I should be inviting her.

[@ashleyfullard9428]

Well I’m paying out of my pocket so I can do what I want lol

[@mikkabarnes8590]

Question: do I have to invite my sisters to the wedding? I have siblings on my dad side and my mom side. I am close to my 2 sisters on my dad side but not my mom side. In fact I'd go as far to say we have a very rough relationship with the sisters on my mom side. I want my sisters on my dad side to be bridesmaids, but not my mom side. I feel like I have to invite them out of obligation and I know they'd be mad if they see my other sisters as bridesmaids and not them.

[@tashawilliams8093]

It's your day, therefore it's your decision.

[@LifeofAriana578]

If you don’t have a good relationship with someone, you don’t have to invite them. Period ❤

[@angierodriguez4729]

If you have a rough relationship with them then don’t invite them.

[@Mr.And.Mrs.Wedding]

im deffantly the bride not allowing plus ones. Were saying you have to be engaged or married and also together longer then a year if so, this is because we don't want random people at our event and both of our families have a habit of getting engaged and married quicker then divorcing

[@erinwhipple4666]

And that’s fine, but understand that anyone whom you’re inviting who isn’t really integrated into the dynamic of the rest of your guest list (like a childhood best friend), then they likely won’t come to your wedding 🤷‍♀️

[@Mr.And.Mrs.Wedding]

@@erinwhipple4666 all my friends are very integrated with my family, most of them even come on a family vacation with us and are considered extra daughters, granddaughters, and nieces, plus they're in the wedding party. Everyone were inviting knows multiple people well so it's not really a thing where they won't come because they don't know anyone. Those who are the most likely to not come are those I didn't even want to come in the first place and was forced to invite by close family.

[@JerryMander-y2x]

Great idea. I can't imagine telling any significant number of people "Bring anyone of your choosing to my wedding; no need to tell me who it will be!" ... For one thing, how would I make a seating chart and place cards when 30 people are named "Plus One"?

[@kristinaerickson2353]

How do you feel about kicking people out for wearing a white dress to the wedding. I feel like I don't want to provide free drinks and food to someone openly disrespectful.

[@weirdalpleasenoticeme]

I have 1 cousin who I am iffy on whether or not to invite... Mainly because every time I see her and her husband he annoys the ever living f*** out of me by making inappropriate comments/jokes, talking over her loudly, interrupting her, and just being an all around ass. Struggling on whether to invite her or not because i know it means i have to invite him. They're expecting a baby about a month and a half before my wedding so im hoping they just won't be able to make it due to having a newborn., and i can still invite them and not feel bad.

[@LifeofAriana578]

That husband don’t sound like a good person 💀 have you tried talking to your cousin about this?

[@kaseymoua]

Referencing the cutoff rule: I have a big family, families who have at least 5 children or more! I couldn't possibly afford to pay for two individuals plus 5 - 8 children. So I did a 2 children rule only. Of course this resulted in a couple families not coming at all, which was fine as I wasn't expecting anyone to pick nor was I close to them, but unfortunately it was something I had to set in stone. Some families had no problem bringing two children of their 5. Most families left their kids at home too, so there weren't a lot of kids. It really worked out in the end. :)

[@BeccaB-dr6vd]

What about in regards to +1 you havent met? For example my cousin's husband i still havent met as they are in another country. And +1 you have bad personal history with.

[@LifeofAriana578]

If you have bad personal history with a +1, you don’t gotta invite them. Plain and simple.

[@CHK12319]

I honestly don't want to invite anyone to my wedding... every single person will be invited out of obligation if I end up having one.

[@bri9irl1991]

I was excluded from a friend's wedding recently because I had a nursing 5 month old. Super sucked. V_V But I know it was their special day. Just felt bad. My partner went without me.

[@rachy5384]

I think that was mean of your friend tbh with you... See my comment above... You should have been able to come with your baby. Even if your friend wanted adults only it's way harsh to exclude a nursing mother (like Jamie said in the vid) I mean hello, my baby sorta needs to be with me coz I'm their food source - yeah!

[@12carla4]

I'm so sorry, that sucks

[@luizalouyoga]

If I was your husband I think I wouldn’t have gone. That’s really rude.

[@JerryMander-y2x]

Wonderful to hear from a parent who can regret being unable to attend without imagining themselves to be wronged by being issued an invitation!

[@EmilyCheetham]

If/when I get married I cannot picture my wedding without children. They are the life of the party in my opinion.

[@mrnmrn1628]

I totally agree with you. It is indeed a good sign to have at least one child (or children) at one's wedding.

[@MarsyseKellyMccool]

​@mRn mRn I said no children with exception of immediate family, because my sister in law has a baby under one. If I've never been introduced to kids outside of the wedding, then they can't come simple.

[@kylieschamens3825]

I totally agree, they make it more fun

[@SanaaJadeCruz]

I like young people and children because they dance lol

[@danettevanrooyen6158]

My partner wants to invite his bosses and their wives and their kids.... I really don't see the point😂

[@wc3362]

If you can't accommodate a guest and their spouse, then dont invite the couple at all. It is disrespectful to cause such divisiveness. You wanna really save money? Then dont invite any of them. Its all or nothing.

[@francescamazzonelli1670]

why should I invite a possible complete stranger to my wedding? Just because you can't move around without your spouse? Not my problem!

[@majinish]

I disagree with the idea that a spouse/significant other is a “plus one/and guest”. If my wife’s name is on an invitation, I’m automatically invited. If my name is on an invitation, my wife is automatically invited. It’s very rude to basically refer to someone’s significant other as just another person when they’re not, they’re very important. It’s essentially saying “come celebrate our relationship while we don’t acknowledge yours.”

[@francescamazzonelli1670]

why should I invite you if I don't even know how you look like?

[@boobookittifukk]

Who in the world is asking about getting their invites! Outside of family weddings, I've never expected an invite from friends who are getting married cos you don't know what their budget is like. I was lucky enough to get an invite to a destination wedding and they only had about thirty or forty people there, total including two kids. If I ever get married, I already plan to elope or have a very simple civil wedding ceremony of immediate family only. Party with everyone else afterwards at my favourite restaurant.