Shame-Based Parents: How To Protect Yourself & Build Resilience

Learn to protect yourself and survive in shame-based families. Tips and strategies to overcome shame and build resilience.
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** Overcome Toxic Guilt & Shame - • Overcome Toxic Guilt &...
** Going No/Low Contact with Narcissistic Family- • Going No-Contact with ...
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 10,000s of people heal from family dysfunction and become the true self they were never allowed to be. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he leverages 45 years of experience to help clients permanently break free from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a strong sense of self.
***DISCLAIMER: THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. BE SURE TO CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL TO HELP YOU INTEGRATE AND UTILIZE THESE CONCEPTS.***

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@good6043]

Jerry thank you so much for your work. If possible can you please make a video on "CHRONIC UNEMPLOYMENT" for ACONs. Why it happens or how to overcome it? Not being able to be employed creates much confusion about self worth and makes me wonder if I'm the narcissist.

[@KaySmith-iz3eu]

When I disagree with my mother she tells me I have an awful temper. No one else has ever told me I have a bad temper. I’m very laid back. Almost too much so.

[@sugarush1476]

It's projection. My ndad told me I was a bad person and insolent. Everyone around me told them I'm one of the nicest people they've met and usually too nice.

[@jmj5388]

That’s a manipulative tactic to suppress your disagreement. When you step out of line (i.e., fully supporting her on every level), she feels she has to whip you back into line.

[@ladennayoung2939]

I know if I got a car or something. My mom would ask me how much it was it or what had you. Then she would say, "I hope you can keep it or afford it. It was something of that nature. Prior to me knowing about NPD, I didn't really get it. Because she was my mother, I thought I should give her the info, and I used to believe that she genuinely loved me and was concerned about me. I didn't know anything about covert NPD or otherwise. It is like they are jealous of you and hope the worse for you. When God tells you to move in silence. Trust HIM. Follow His lead. He tells us EVERYTHING for a reason. ❤❤❤

[@Loveispatient76]

So very true. Beautifully put 🙏

[@meanimeconingles]

A "psychologist" told me I was being too sensitive. Which I replied: I'm not being, I am. I thank God for having emotions and being able to show empathy. I regret nothing.

[@meanimeconingles]

I'm studying to become a teacher of English language. I see now that both my parents are narcissists. The other day my father told me: "yeah, but being a teacher is nothing compared to being a doctor". (They are both doctors). I really love how they love their career. But I don't like being downplayed for the career I love. (This is just a 1% of punishment I received for all these years from them).

[@emceeable]

Wow you helped me so much!!! At 44, I only realized my parents have been doing to me now! Thank you. No wonder why I feel so bad around them.

[@jmj5388]

Most victims of narc abuse are in their forties by the time they realize what was done to them. I was in my mid-thirties when the light went on, but only because I had been in psychotherapy for awhile.

[@FritzWashabaugh]

“Shame attacks are about them” this is so clear now, specifically about my mother. Very helpful. Love your channel Jerry! Handsome too. 🤗

[@smallbunny1772]

I learn so much

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching

[@jmj5388]

Identifying shame as the narc’s M.O. was the key to disabling it as a manipulative tactic. Everything gradually fell into place after that.

[@shawizz]

Thank you, Jerry, I feel I got a whole load of shame-based comments dumped on me last night that he couldn't be specific on, and I've been so helpless and hurt all morning not knowing how NOT to own this other person's discomfort with my personality traits, and not knowing how to respond. This video helps put things in perspective. I absolutely do NOT want to get angry for the way HE feels, but I didn't know how not to own it or reject it with anger. This helps. I love "I consider that quite a gift, Thank you!" (and other replies). Not to "Show him", but to love and accept me.

[@HusbilsägareJohanssons]

I've stopped over explaining, tho. It saves a lot of energy 😅❤

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

Thing is you don't have to explain anything if you don't want to!

[@naturelover1284]

I'm so glad I moved across the country and had no contact for 20 years holy cow it could have been 40

[@lilithjesus7718]

Very clearly put, easy to understand, practical application examples, very relatable dynamics. I love how empowering this feels without being aggressive.

[@jerrywise]

Im very glad it was helpful!

[@nadi67]

I would love to read a book with answers on those immature questions! I think a lot of us are struggling finding words and set boundaries because we were never allowed to. Thank you for the video. That was very helpful.

[@SPEREZ43]

I would buy the book as soon as you publish it.

[@amberfuchs398]

Also, accountability isn't shaming. Telling someone "you shouldn't dehumanize others" isn't dehumanization or shaming. Many abusers think accountability is an attack.

[@kwesley73]

True

[@whitneyv.8211]

Thank you Jerry. I think a book on powerful non weaponized responses is a wonderful idea.

[@jerrywise]

You're very welcome. I hope to write this book in the future

[@Goldenheart2911]

I can't wait to buy that book Jerry.! 📖 This was the first Easter that was essentially drama free. I implemented a lot of these tools in order to avoid the shame attacks as they presented themselves. As a result I was able to stay calm, composed, responsive and nonreactive. 💛 Yes there was some push back, resistance and uncomfortableness at times; which was moreso with them then with me. Ultimately though with me standing firm in my boundaries and expressing my responses calmly and respectfully it helped me to put an end to the backhanded insults; which actually turned out to be projections of their own guilt and shame when you really looked at them for what they were.💛 Great video Jerry. 💪

[@lockedintogod4404]

I never really understood why people would ask me certain questions or point out some things in a cruel way. Your videos have helped so much. Recently I responded to someone telling me what I needed to do - did I tell you I wanted to do that? Just realised I was self differentiating myself by what they had said. They went silent. I also realise persons can't easily respond when it becomes clear it is really about them/ their deficits or odd perceptions or meaness because the fact is they do not want the light on then so they shine it on you except it ks really darkness. We have to really not be angry but be clear it is heard but it is invalid to your being and existence. We must seamlessly learn to steer their cars back into their own lanes.

[@dorothynesbit6291]

The book sounds great, Jerry. Yes to your three key points, and I also found your demonstrations in this video really helpful. Thank you.

[@christinerobertson9596]

Thank You Jerry. I've always been too much of this and not enough of that. Meek yet opinionated, too quiet, too sensitive, too emotional, not logical enough. Can you do a video on being the family scapegoat? How we get this unfortunate role in our family, workplace, social life, etc...How to cope and understand it.

[@jerrywise]

I have videos on the role of the scapegoat. You can find the videos here kzbin.info/aero/PLoYQTW09i3W2e89zejB1KyZHTxk5yUAW0

[@good6043]

@@jerrywise Jerry thank you so much for your work. If possible can you please make a video on "CHRONIC UNEMPLOYMENT" for ACONs. Why it happens or how to overcome it? Not being able to be employed creates much confusion about self worth and makes me wonder if I'm the narcissist.

[@alrighttumbleweed4782]

​@@jerrywise I too would appreciate a video on unemployment /underemployment. I have disabilities that contribute to this but I could work more if home life wasn't so draining. It's a parentified situation. It's all adults living here but you can't tell. I tidy before bed and still wake up to find no space left on the counter to make breakfast. Often there is nowhere to sit to eat it due to clutter on every chair and table. I can't afford to move out until I get work but I struggle with basic self care when the house is trashed, due to executive dysfunction. I would not be able to hold down the hours required to save a bond, while also facing a daily obstacle course just to reach and wash cookware or a roll of toilet paper through all the mess. You bump something at one end and a random pile of clutter will fall down and smash/spill for you to clean up. Abandoned food ends up hidden spots. Condiments and sweets stick to your clothing when you brush against miscellaneous items. You get hurt by random nails or knives laying around, or things falling down from over packed shelves. You spend unnecessary time trying to find things amongst the clutter. Damned if I do and damned if I don't

[@gregwinsell1404]

Thank you Jerry for the ammunition for dealing with insensitive people. Always look forward to your videos!

[@adrianam2157]

Let's us know when you publish that how to respond to entitled, intrusive people's questions. I'll buy one or more! Thanks sharing your wisdom.

[@pastelrose1042]

Wonderful video Mr. Wise! I'm watching this on my break at work. I was feeling so much anxiety recently from the shaming attacks I've had by my BPD parents then the "love bombing" attacks that would happen right after. It was so stressful, but I feel so much peace now. Thank you again Sir!💛

[@julieangle9721]

Very good video, hits home it really does, it's good to know when we sometimes feel like things are directed as we are the problem, inadequate one it's truly their problem, not ours

[@marekm9647]

Dziękujemy.

[@Denise-y2c]

Really great video. Thanks

[@dancorson5822]

Good stuff. Thanks.

[@kareemmohammed5270]

so true and resonate with everything you said Jerry in this video.

[@arthurgarcia1371]

Thanks for consistently posting again- you’ve really help me change my life!!

[@jerrywise]

You are very welcome!

[@egeyermusic]

Thank you Jerry. You are so helpful.

[@CurtisMoe]

Jerry's videos have helped me so much.

[@247BadMamaJama]

Amazing and insightful…as always! Thank you Jerry🙏🏽

[@itanamarko]

Thank you Jerry for all the good videos you make. I just want to say hi to everyone here. And to say how difficult it is, to be raised in a shame culture family, constantly put down and controlled by your parenta, and how DIFFICULT it is to try to fight for your own self even as an adult. Many of us would like to have and keep relations with our parents, but sometimes they are making it so difficult. Due to past trauma and add to that the fact they KEEP doing it even when their children are no longer children. Cohersive control is the worst. It's sad also that as adults we have to fight for something that should be given to us naturally. I am sad.

[@jerrywise]

program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

[@sugarush1476]

This is excellent. I wish you would write that book Jerry about how to respond to immature individuals. It seems to be my life's story.

[@jerrywise]

Book is in the works

[@sugarush1476]

@@jerrywise Glad to hear it. My heartfelt thanks for your helpful insight and exceptional content.

[@Arielstanley-y8f]

Im dealing with this right now im at hospital in orange city its so embarrasing for me right now .i do not have enough therapy protection in my life but i feel like its wrong for another parent no of the enviroment should never be allow in other parents personal space to give them the ability to attack me again .this is wrong .im different i can stay connected but be different this shame attack is over .

[@juliej1520]

Excellent 👍

[@jerrywise]

I'm glad you enjoyed the video! thank you for watching

[@pastelrose1042]

Thank you for all of these helpful videos!

[@limitedtime5471]

Jerry, you're a gem. Thank you

[@kareemmohammed5270]

very helpful insight Jerry, much appreciated as always.

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful Kareem, thank you for watching

[@HuricaneChampagne]

i’ve been shamed by all of my family and some friends because i don’t have that many i guess, because i work mostly with black people and happen to appreciate them so i get the awful feedback that i’m a “n” lover. it’s really distressing to this day. it seems like i will be shamed for the rest of my life for this and then i get cut by those that are black that don’t believe in me and instead of being appreciated i get thrown under the bus by them to. i feel like everyone is full of bs anymore i’m so depleted emotionally because of it.

[@SoniaProteau-cj6tk]

We are not responsible for our parents and are parents are not responsible for us after 17 years old

[@lindawinters363]

Yes! A book on how to respond! Your videos are so very helpful…thank you!

[@jerrywise]

I'm glad my videos are helpful. I am currently writing my main book, maybe the responses book will be the next one :)

[@darinsmith2458]

good stuff.. this might change for me but i don't think that i need to know the why they are shaming me question.. i think i just need to know that they are shaming me.. my experience with people that do shame is that they are intentially shaming me to hurt me.. i just don't want to be around people that are trying to abuse me..

[@jerrywise]

Hi Darren the reason I share why they may be shaming you, is to reduce it from being so 'personal' and we can be more detached. Why feel hurt by it? It's coca cola talk. This is the point I was trying to make. Thank you for watching.

[@darinsmith2458]

@@jerrywise i know shaming exists wherever i have been and i can see the value of what you are saying with this video.. do you also have videos of taking it personally while being shamed?

[@nancyP7448]

Very helpful

[@jerrywise]

Glad it helped

[@SoulSeeker2025]

How to respond ❤

[@ladennayoung2939]

❤❤❤

[@kwesley73]

Good advice

[@pjwolf-wiemers]

Don't should on yourself

[@revolutionary_evolution]

Holy moly wow. . ! 😮😮😮 Where have you been all my life?? How is it that I haven't seen your work before now...? You Sir, ARE BRILLIANT!!! I STAND IN AWE, JAW ON THE FLOOR.. Sir, do you need representatives? I would love to share your work. I also have some pretty interesting partnership ideas, but certainly their only my ideas. Anywho, I'm going to dive right in. THANK YOU for sharing your work/gifts with us. 🤍🙏

[@jerrywise]

Welcome to the family. If you have ideas that will help my mission spread, please contact my team www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/contact

[@terrapintravels3829]

Thank you Jerry, these are some very good responses, very helpful.