5 ways a Narcissist will Weaponize your Boundaries

[@jeffreyvazquez4870]

Narcissism is so confusing, it’s like, they disrespect you, silent treatment, they ignore your boundaries, etc. Then you start acting out of character after months or years of the abuse, then you start reacting, yelling, say things you don’t mean, etc. then you end up feeling and thinking like you are the narcissist, no wonder this drives people crazy, you love them and stay trying to see if things will change, they only get worse and you get blamed for it all.

[@nicolehayes6020]

@@jeffreyvazquez4870 yep 👍 nailed it. Short answer, walk away in silence with your head held high ❤️💪💯🙏🤷🏻‍♀️✌️😎

[@KimberlyStrube-f6h]

@jeffreyvazquez4870 yes! They will "rage-bait you and then when you finally "go off, they tell everyone, "See, I told you she was crazy!"

[@TheSlavicSear]

@@jeffreyvazquez4870 this sounds very familiar for both me and my hubby. These replies really helped too thank you- finally 3 years later we are back on track.

[@NarcissistHex-nf9eq]

@@nicolehayes6020 as a self-aware diagnosed narcissist I wish I could have said something better than you, but that's pretty much it.

[@FoodNerds]

Then they accuse you of being that narcissist. A person can only take so much . If I kick you every day, but you don’t get upset and you don’t react eventually you’re going to get tired of that and react . If I get upset with you and the victim, then who actually has the problem well, that would be me.

[@NolaCaffey]

Q: Why did the narcissist cross the road? A: He thought it was a boundary!

[@jaynfontain6635]

best ever

[@KimberlyStrube-f6h]

@@NolaCaffey lol!!!!!!!!

[@tbirdcraw11]

😂

[@gem9535]

😂

[@ERIN478]

Ha!

[@woopiemiddleman8232]

Once you grabbed the stick and fight back after being poked the 40th time, they immediately called you the abuser, the ill-tempered, and then they told the whole world you are the crazy one.

[@KimberlyStrube-f6h]

Amen! My narcissistic slammed my character to his entire family! The cruelty never ends!!

[@paulv2348]

It's called "reverse abuse". Look it up, covert narcissists do that a lot

[@tshaika9165]

Better not to fight them, just get them so bored with you that they go find someone else. They won't even know that in this way you are in control of the situation. They will just think you got to the catatonic stage and are done with you.

[@dianetobin]

Apparently I'm abusive because I left, or I've been told...

[@navy_flyer2331]

100%. Coincidentally, this is exactly what Palestine does to Israel. Israel fights back and then is painted the aggressor.

[@PowerGurhl]

Mine would always say “you’re preventing us from having a working relationship” 😅 now I realize he is saying “you’re not letting me create the controlling relationship I want”

[@laurel7309]

Yes!! My brother and SIL did the same thing. Their behaviors got so toxic that I began grey rocking them. My brother threw a fit and said his boundaries weren't being respected. 😂😂

[@ktbiwk]

😂❤ 💯 perfect narc translation 👌

[@salammbo6809]

Excuse me, have you been dating my ex ? 😂😂

[@PowerGurhl]

@@salammbo6809 lol they really all so and sound the same!! 😭

[@salammbo6809]

@@PowerGurhl The good thing is that, when you saw one, you saw all of them. Indeed they all function the same. It has been very useful since my little narc and I parted ways. 😅🙏

[@ihanat]

The worst part of learning about narcissists is realizing you were groomed by narcissist parent to accept this kind of behaviour and then you landed in the arms of a spouse who treats you exactly the same or worse and now having to reprogram yourself entirely because you don’t even know what’s North anymore.

[@hollyfabiani]

Yes! And it's natural to love your parent on top of it. Even starting over completely, internally and instinctively were going the opposite direction as our brains/emotional regulation already formed like an emotional disability.

[@Sandra-jj3uk]

Yes, the realization of grooming is the worst. It's even more horrifying when you realize a licensed therapist you were seeing for help in navigating narcissistic dynamics as an adult was responsible for grooming you all over again to accept that behavior after you finally began to set boundaries and recover from the initial parental grooming, and consequently now have to deprogram yourself all over again from the manipulation and gaslighting that retraumatized you. Not to mention processing the financial and emotional betrayal you experienced from someone you were paying to help you, who in reality took advantage of your vulnerability to emotionally abuse and exploit you.

[@mesalouis8976]

That part infuriates me.

[@tricialafrancerougas]

This is the truth!!! 💯

[@mksway]

Took me way too long, and an awful relationship to realize where this stemmed from.

[@robcab3725]

A narcissistic person will push you because it was never about peace it's only about power

[@fxbvl9191]

To all of you who are going through this, or went through this. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This isn't on you.

[@findinghiddenriches]

Thank you ❤ Holidays are a hard, but important, time to remember that!

[@hollyfabiani]

But the work afterwards is. This is the hard part. And reversionary behavior like a sobriety date.

[@velvetgardenia]

🕊 ✌️ ☮️ yes. Thank you.

[@carlamaxwell8923]

It has nothing to do with you. You didn’t create it

[@jdprettynails]

Thank you. I’m learning to set boundaries for the first time this year which is really hard for me. My friends keep giving me a hard time for not cutting off the toxic person, but that’s even more terrifying

[@elisebrown5157]

Narcissists are actually extremely delicate and artful in their manipulation. I know this because I would never fall for such a thing. And then I did. The love bombing draws you in, then there's the small thing you did wrong (or did you really? Well, who cares, you'll take one for the team). And over and over, pushing you away just enough to make you really fully believe if you could just find the right thing to say or do that it would be OK. And then you find that thing (inevitably, it's some relaxation of your boundaries), and you're rewarded like a puppy dog. Over time, the rewards are harder to get, but you fight harder for them. You actually want to believe that things are your fault, because if they are, then you actually have the power to make things better by changing. The aha moment for me was when I actually viscerally realized that when he said "I guess I can't trust you," what he actually meant had nothing to do with trust (which was very important to me.) What he meant was that I had done something he didn't like. "Trust" meant "trust you to please me at all times." Once I could detangle the self I imagined myself to be (trustworthy, honorable, loyal) from how he defined those words in relation to me, I could let go without tearing a hole in myself. I could be all those things and still leave the relationship. It's years of my life I'll never get back, but it's also proof of how insidious the manipulation can be. I can't believe how much of myself I gave up to someone whose only goal was to make me give up myself.

[@tabithabates244]

The way you explained this was perfect. It was exactly the same experience I had with my ex narcissistic partner. I was with him for 8 years until I realised nothing I could ever do would live up to his ideals and as you said every time you manage to do the thing they wanted they move the goal posts. He did that constantly. Until I left. He threw the usual insults the “you will never find anyone like me”, “no one will want you”. Then fell on his knees crying on his front lawn as I drove away. Then stalked me for months trying to win me back. Best decision I ever made was leaving.

[@Jillsy-c6u]

I have already read your comment 3X and am thinking that I need to print it out, put it on my bathroom mirror, and read it multiple times a day for the next year. Thank you.

[@sandangels73]

Yep, it's a cycle of: 1) love-bombing 2) abuse 3) gaslighting/guilting tripping/manipulation 4) repeat steps 1-4

[@LauraSchendel-ko1qk]

Well said!

[@lifejoywithholly3924]

100%!!!! 💯

[@rubee7510]

I was with a narcissist for 5 yrs..when I found out he was cheating and told him my boundaries, his response was "see, I knew you couldnt love me unconditionally". 😮

[@Khiarika1]

That's when you tell them "Correct."

[@bri_rene]

🤯

[@tiffanya3586]

Same exact thing. In the beginning he picked a fight out of no where and went as far as kicking me out. The next day they claimed it was because everyone always abandons them had me feeling so much hurt and pain for them and I made a promise to them I'd never leave them and always love them unconditionally. That was a couple months in and it only lasted about a year and a half after that. Thank God they left me for someone else. As much pain as I stayed in during that time and even a year after without even having contact as much as I felt like I needed them and swore I would just die without them I'm so glad they left I never would have 😢😭

[@JSD938]

I'm so sorry this happened and the heartless response that you were given. Mine would tell me I was too emotional, always negative and annoying as hell. Hurt my feelings so bad.

[@mermaid66]

I remember my ex going on about how terrible I was and I said “ it sounds like I’m terrible, perhaps you should part ways with someone like that”, he was dumbstruck. I left soon after.

[@liambraithewaite6415]

Also obviously not personal, but just hearing someone says directly into the camera (especially a guy) 'I love you, I care about you, you are lovable' it is actually felt and some small part of what's broken inside gets healed. Thanks Jimmy

[@nicolegemma1233]

Totally agreed

[@abcd-rp7lx]

@@liambraithewaite6415 I know. I had the exact same response. It actually felt so good and reaffirming. I'm tearing up 😢

[@BlinkinFirefly]

Jimmy is the emotionally intelligent big brother I never had ❤

[@geekchick4859]

Sadly, apparently he’s like it because he fckd up. Just shows that we are not defined by our mistakes, but by what we do after that.

[@an81angel]

Worst thing is going through all this as a child from a parent. You spend your formative years learning how to be the best for them. By that I mean being turned into a boundaryless doormat that gets abused and blamed for everything. Waking up in your 30s, finally realizing you were a victim and not the aggressor. That is a gut punch that shatters your world. Then spending the next decade trying to understand why they did it and trying to dodge the abuse. To starting your 40s and calling it a lost cause and feeling like a worthless failure who couldn't even be loved by a parent and thinking, "no wonder all my relationships went south". I wish people talked about this with me decades ago. Would have save me years of pain.

[@PowerGurhl]

@@an81angel I really can’t imagine. And I’m truly sorry 😞 cus having a partner is horrible can’t imagine a a parent

[@septemberjames9080]

You're not alone and thankfully today is a new day. Your life isn't lost!

[@hollyfabiani]

We need our own dating reality show! Life begins at 40!

[@Smellslikenarcspirit]

I hear you .

[@marryinchains]

It's especially sad when you are in your mid 30s and you still try to connect with said parents but you still get the same treatments. I never earned my love but merely a breadcrumb of respect from them, randomly. My therapist says it sounds like playing the lottery with them cause they were so unpredictable and I never knew when I would get punished or rewarded. It's still like this and I'm still trying to have relationships with them. I still think they are also human even if they are treating me like this. 😢 Ofc this influences how our other relationships play out. At least now I have awareness over it and have agency. Growing up in that medium was horrendous and all I can say is I am surprised I survived. Hope everyone who grew up with npd parents can find a way of healing and self love. ❤

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

"Please stop standing there; they're not going to stop."

[@quellequeen]

💯 🎉

[@judewuski]

4:55 “if you yell at me….” can be weaponized by the narcissist when they set up a bait/trap that has extremely painful or panic inducing impact in order to make the person to react, especially if narcissist knows that your pain reaction can involve crying/vocalizing loudly or speaking loudly from panicking…. They will label this as “yelling” & deem you “abusive”.

[@tatiscolombia]

This. My ex knew all the hurtful things to do and say to make me get anxious moving and talking in a higher tone and then he was all chill saying I needed to calm down, I was hysterical and getting things out of proportion. He even used my PTSD against me by making sudden moves towards me while in a fight so I would do a hard movement or jump and accused me of being physically abusive. He messed with my head so much I didn't even realized I wasn't the abuser, but the abused, until I started going to therapy.

[@resilient8788]

I have to work with someone like that sometimes. Luckily my "sentence" has pretty much run it's course. Unfortunately now a 19 year old (good kid) has taken that spot and isn't handling it well either. I feel for him, but I had to deal with it for many years and like I just said my " sentence" has pretty much run it's course. I tell the kid, be thankful you don't have to live with that. He agrees whole heartedly. Living with one is a nightmare. I've been there lived that hell. Forever changed. Wiser and stronger having gone through the fire.

[@StoopidMonkiy]

You know whats been eating away at me, the quote “sometimes monsters don’t know theyre monsters” its like they don’t even realize they hurt others

[@tatiscolombia]

They do but they create reasons and excuses to do so.

[@annelbeab8124]

Often they really don't. It's an act of desperation and limitation coming from own past trauma / experience of toxic relationships in upbringing. Nobody is born that way. Nobody in their right mind would want to be like that. It is a handicap that may be overcome. But only if it is seen how petty and useless the whole show is. Often there is too much support - just look at politicians: the more narcissistic, the more appealing and deceptive.

[@gail9566]

A boundary is not "stop yelling at me." Its saying "if you tell at me I will leave for 30 minutes." Then you do it. In that way you're the one who holds your boundaries, not relying on someone else to maintain them.

[@mksway]

I did that recently with my narc mom. She was getting snarky and rude, so i told her i was going to walk away, and while I was outside, she manipulated my dad, who has mild dementia, into believing that I was yelling at her, that I was so mean to her, she's such a victim, etc. He got so angry and worked up that when I came back, he began yelling at me and calling me names. She looked at me and smiled. He hasn't spoken to me in weeks because of her.

[@lisakaminski4959]

Covert and passive aggressive abuse LOOKS and SEEMS like it wouldn't be as significantly harmful, but I would argue it's worse because it makes you doubt your judgment and sanity.

[@saraibloomquist4827]

THIS! When you can't point at a certain thing like you called me a horrible thing or you hit me yet you know it's abuse and soooo slick and coercive 😔

[@alivepartner]

This is powerful and important to know. Setting boundaries with toxic or narcissistic people often brings conflict not because of the boundaries themselves, but because they challenge the other person's control.

[@elyseremy3816]

I love how the control and dominance is explained. He actually used the words boundaries and limits when he wanted to control. For things that weren’t boundaries but explained my flaws. Kept telling me how I communicated so badly and didn’t take his feelings into account. Meanwhile family and friends were telling me uhhhh you didn’t say anything bad … they’re just hypersensitive even to imaginary things ! It’s never their fault …

[@yazajag]

Yes exactly! They are so insecure that they create perceived slights against themselves. You could point at a flower and say, "That's a pretty flower," and somehow you are insulting them, calling them hideous. But in the contrary, they will literally call you/me/ any of us every name in the book, insult us, find a flaw, no matter how many times you ask them to stop, and somehow we are the ones who are too sensitive or we are exaggerating. Narc Insecurities Projecting their own behaviors 101

[@SwiftRabbit-w7g]

Mum called me to yell at me, because she felt that I wouldn't let her haunt my house when she dies 💀✨

[@samanthas8340]

Same

[@kristirose2289]

This is spot on! My husband of 22 years uses all of these techniques. I’m just now learning about covert narcissism and so many things are making sense now. This is more helpful than the marriage counseling and personal counseling which never made anything better. TY

[@amnahaque9058]

Same situation

[@lauraegan346]

Same. 😢

[@forestspritestephanie]

Same here. About to become a nun.

[@rltreasure]

Same here!

[@tammygarrett8427]

It is not you is a nice thing to know

[@SarahRenz59]

My last boyfriend was a narcissist. I call him WBE: Worst Boyfriend Ever. I had never encountered this with any of my other relationships, so I got sucked right into his manipulations. But there was always a small part of me that kept saying, "This isn't right." I finally became apathetic: "Oh, you're mad at me. Again. Must be a day ending in 'y'." That's when he broke up with me. I still kick myself for not being the one to end the relationship at the first sign of trouble. I'm sadder but wiser now, and really appreciate people like Jimmy who are raising awareness about this toxic behavior.

[@tshaika9165]

But you did the exact right thing, making him leave you, so that he doesn't feel like he lost control and he need not take revenge. It was the safest. The time you needed to understand what he is can be chalked up as a useful learning experience. You will never fall for those tricks again and are just the richer for it.

[@PowerGurhl]

@@SarahRenz59 same it was the first time I had a really bad relationship. I kept staying the same thing “this isn’t right, I have to leave” I said that for years. I would tell him you’re the first person who disrespects me, no one had treated me like this before. His response “oh you think you’re so fucking great!” …. Ummmm no but you did choose to be with me so I must be something goooood cus you’re all the bad 🥲😂

[@anacorona2534]

Don't kick yourself for it, that was the fastest way to get rid of him, if you would've been the one to leave, he would not have made it easy for you to stay away, the calls, the showing up where you are, calling you the worst things that are out there then being the sweetest/perfect person you always wanted. Well I hope you didn't get that.

[@l.r.775]

😮blessing that he did 👌 🙏 🌟

[@marryinchains]

Glad you said "toxic behaviour" because not all people with NPD are toxic. Some people with NPD or NPD tendencies really work hard on themselves. Some people grew up with NPD parents and learned such behaviours before learning they aren't healthy or useful. I'm sad that most comments see NPD people as bad and not their behaviours.

[@jeannechristensen7459]

I had 9 years of this type of crap. Ladies… trust me run for the hills and don’t look back. Best decision I’ve made in my entire life!!!

[@pearljoad]

I have blamed myself for anxiously responding to being stonewalled and over-communicating with the narcissist while being stonewalled. I told myself if they could understand or hear me. I wish I hadn't done that. It made me look and feel crazy, which in the end is what I think they wanted.

[@TheRealVivia]

Girl. We have all been there. Makes you feel like you mean nothing.

[@holdinourown]

Feeling this so hard right now. It's like the more I try, the further he turns away. 😢

[@ashleysno]

That's exactly what they want.

[@PinkWytchBytch]

When you change but their narrative of you doesn’t, that says so much

[@sophietsafcas6371]

You need to constantly screenshot messages as proof when they deny what was said and accuse you of lying..just exhausting 😮‍💨😮‍💨

[@Ratgirl2]

Yes I'm in the thick of it right now. And boy is he the fake victim. I'm one up on him most of family members know. They are with me the battle goes on. Oh Jimmy I was told the other day I have mental issues. I'm beyond done oh the baiting. 😮😮

[@laurel7309]

Yes!! My brother and SIL's behaviors got so toxic that it pushed me to get counseling. I was advised in 2021 to screenshot every text and upload them to a safe place and save every email. It seemed extreme, but I did it. I also greyrocked them which made them furious. I'm so thankful because in 2023, they had enough of my grey rocking and came at me via email with false accusations and manipulations. They were counting on the fact that I wouldn't remember what was said or what happened. I replied (and included the rest of the family who couldn't understand why I was keeping my distance) and attached a word document with timelines and all the screenshots of texts and emails. I haven't heard from them since other than a brief thank you text for sending my nephews a birthday gift. 😂

[@Lisa-ee6tf]

@@Ratgirl2So predictable. Let me know when you’re told “You need help”, “You need therapy!”. Sounds like he’s scared by your awareness already. Keep being strong and grey rocking (cool, calm respond vs react.) You got this!👍

[@Ratgirl2]

@@Lisa-ee6tf Yes he told me our kids think I'm crazy. He's away he told me I'm heading home tonight I couldn't hold back my emotions waited until They where at it's peak and let his three family members here it he put it on speaker. It's sick I know I'm not crazy he got me again. 😵‍💫😵‍💫🫤🫤

[@Puppylove82-gv3gm]

Kinda funny you say that because I think my mom caught on and she never texts me anymore. Guess what, I don't talk to her or my mother inlaw without my husband by my side. Yall gonna behave today!!! Lol. But my mother inlaw acted one infront of him the other day and we were like, yeah, she needs to be medicated, when she left. What is it with the women over 60 that I know that are like this!!!

[@Melinda_FeedYourSoul]

“You just don’t want peace”. “You get hurt too easily” “Were you always like this?” “You’re too much”. And pretending no harm was done minutes or hours after insults. It’s all toxic behavior.

[@MamaMixedGamer]

Or "you're too sensitive" "You're making this more than it needs to be" "We're the same and you're a hypocrite" - if you're fighting for your voice to be heard and standing up for yourself, and your partner is dismissing and blaming you for your feelings, that's not the same thing and standing up for yourself and telling them it's not ok for them to treat you that way. There's no use in trying to get them to understand, when they don't actually care. It's a hard thing to realize for sure!

[@roxy7255]

Yes the worse thing is that when your boundary has been crossed for the third time so you react angry then they say ‘I’m going to remove myself bye’ leaving you feeling like you’re the one who’s wrong 😂 you’re 100% right leave when you are poked with that stick or boundary crosses the first time. Anyone who crosses your boundary doesn’t care how how it makes you feel.

[@HurairaHerbals]

yup. I went through this with a "friend". Once I finally lashed out after being poked a thousand times she started ignoring me then when I asked her what was going on after MONTHS of her ignoring me, she said she was keeping a distance from me because I was toxic and wanted me to respect her boundaries. I said ok, and I apologized, but she NEVER apologized for all the wrong she did to me and acted like she was the victim because I yelled at her. From her other words and past actions, I realized she never really liked me and thought maybe she only kept me around because I give really good gifts or I can get her amazon packages from the door when she's not home (we are also neighbors). I'm still confused about what happened because I don't like to think of others as narcissists but the fact she kept gaslighting me, disregarding my feelings, and not even reflecting on her words or actions speaks volumes.

[@marryinchains]

​@@HurairaHerbalsthat's something I grew up with. Victim control dynamic - it happens a lot in groups. A NPD person will subtly poke and they know your triggers. When you react is when they play the victim card. And then the whole group sees the reaction but they didn't notice what triggered the reaction and everyone blames you 😢 took me years to learn how not to react anymore just to not get in that position anymore 😢

[@emetee217]

"Please stop standing there." Finally stepping out of that spot after 27 years. Your videos have helped with that decision to do so.

[@lovegoodmusic2477]

The problem with a nacricisst is, that the person you love and is most close to you is behaving more awful than anyone else.

[@PixiePercival]

Yes- that’s the worst isn’t it…. That and the lack of understanding out there in your day…

[@ShalomUSA]

Boundaries are just a challenge. Go no contact. Period.

[@amberanime]

That isnt always realistic. What if the narc is your parent, or sibling, or child and you live in the same house? What if you are financialy dependant on them? Sometimes you either cant fully break off from them and sometimes you simply dont want to because despite their issues you still love them. Sometimes you need to find ways to both protect yourself whilst maintaining some level of contact. And that IS possible. I have a narc dad and I see him 4/5 times a years and those times are usualy fun because I know how to handle him and what not to talk about. I dont take things personal and I keep things shallow. And when I do that contact goes well enough that I doesnt cause me stress or less quality of life. He lives his life and I mine. But, not every narc is the same. There are different types of narcs. And some are far more harmless then others. There are narcs that are truly wel and deeply dangerous, or those that just refuse to leave you alone. My dad being content with 4/5 meetings a year is great for me as it allows me to have that balance. But not all narcs will be fine with such little contact. Its a case by case basis. But I will say, when in doubt and its possible for you to do, no contact is probably the best call.

[@hannah51238]

"I thought we were a team" spat my drink out 😂😂 I hear that ALL THE TIME!

[@PennyIronwood]

Same! 🎯

[@Damesanglante]

If you hear that all the time, maybe it's because you are disloyal, narcissistic and/or selfish person ?

[@hannah51238]

@Damesanglante yeah maybe 😂😂 bang on mate. Nothing to do with what Jimmy is talking about at all 😂😂

[@michaelynazzopardi2705]

6 years out and I still have moments of doubt. Thank you for those moments of reminder

[@Jillsy-c6u]

You just summarized my entire 40 year marriage.

[@tammygarrett8427]

Wow 40 years is a long time to deal with gaslighting

[@kellyyork3898]

Narcissists are so awful and damaging that it’s not worth one minute of your time to ever be around them.

[@DartmoorPaul]

100% my mum. She is 87 and I’m 56 and through therapy I discovered she is a narcissist. Sorry is a word I have never heard her say and when i started to put boundaries in for the first time in my life, oh boy did she hit the rage and victim. Thank you Jimmy as always for validating our feelings and its the narcissist who is hurting us, not the other way around.

[@evbemma33]

My story is the same. I knew something was wrong that my mother wasnt a calm warm mum but later i disovered she has narcististic traits. She is very critical she has a low level to enter flustration or anger she loves to compete with her own chlodren ans she has to win she was telling me all my life you are too sensitive so i was thinking there is something wrong with me. And on therapy im working hard to brake my People pleasing tendencies, to wake up my anger, to look for good side of my sensitivity, to be assertive, to communicate my needs and boundaries and few more... hard work to do ..But so important.

[@abcd-rp7lx]

I identify with everything here. It's such a constant struggle, 30 years of this abuse, finally trying to break free.

[@PixiePercival]

Me too….20 years. 2 months separated. It’s so surreal listening to the fantasy world he is living in.

[@miaqueen9578]

​@@PixiePercival 1 month over here..how do you feel? Any regrets? Do you miss him?

[@PixiePercival]

@@miaqueen9578 It hurts. I fell in love with him - miss him? Well, I think I miss the fantasy 'him' which may even be in there. But what is the reality? For I choose to remember - that the person who emotionally hurts me - who cannot relate and is injured and seems to need to play games with me all the time, so i feel like the enemy so yes - I try harder, or get so frustrated etc... - thats the real actual person. He actually isn't the 'seldom seen' one I thought. I heard something once - it was that If I had to answer 'what do I love about him' that I wouldn't actually be able to articulate it. I found this to be true. I can't. Its my mind splitting the reality of the person in two. Forget closure. I am so much more myself now he isnt here. Its early days but I will never go back.

[@abcd-rp7lx]

@@miaqueen9578 I do miss him, but mostly I miss the comfort of my home and the family unit. When we are apart I can be myself, and yet I still feel like a piece of me is missing.

[@TIJD19]

As soon as boundaries were implemented,he turned victim.Mind you,those boundaries were needed to protect us from him 😢

[@samaralucero7911]

Oh, the constant zig-zag to find a tool that wins in the present moment... it's exhausting. Then i stop and think, dang, how much energy is this person putting in to crafting the illusion of me losing either way every. Single. Time.

[@snizzlesnort]

It's wild. So much effort for a lie

[@krystleklarity]

Jimmy, Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am 15 months past a 3.5yr relationship with a narcissist. Every time I start to gaslight myself into, "maybe I was the problem" I see one of your videos and I feel so validated. Everything you talk about here was real for me. He pushed and pushed past every single boundary, never took any accountability, blamed me for the challenges in communication ( I am a very good communicator) gaslit, deflected. redirected and projected his own effed up toxic view of himself onto me. When that did not work he stonewalled. Dude pushed and poked until I lost it and got angry. The minute he figured out which buttons to push, he relentlessly pushed them. I was forced into hours long conversations. When I left the room he followed me until I left the house. MY house. The last 6 months we were together were beyond toxic. I aged 5 years in the last year we were together. I am still recovering.

[@app13s33d]

Tysm for this. Ive considered unblocking the narc this morning and this video popped up to remind me why I went no contact in the first place. ❤

[@findinghiddenriches]

I heard a great saying recently "Inviting a toxic person back into your life is like drinking poison because you're thirsty". Loved that! With the holidays coming up, stay strong!

[@skachor]

Stay strong, and there's so many other people out there that you could explore life with rather than someone who you've found to be a negative impact of your life.

[@app13s33d]

@skachor ty. It's not so much that I want to talk to him again but I feel bad for blocking him knowing that he has no one. The blocking seems cruel to me but I need to remind myself to keep me safe first and foremost. Everyday it's always my empathy VS my safety fighting and it's exhausting. 😮‍💨

[@enraegen561]

Bulletpoints: 1. Punish you. Purposely doing things to hurt you. 2. Mocking, dismissing, and/or invalidating your boundary. 3. Claim you are being controlling. The key here is that they turn around the victim and offender roles. Suddenly you are abusive, when all you are saying is "I don't want to be abused". (Essential part of DARVO, maybe they follow it up with 5.) 4. Twist your words or gaslight. They listen to the boundary, maybe even agree, only to later cross it with no problem. If you call them out, they criticize you for not being specific enough or claim you never set this boundary in the first place. Could be that they misunderstood and cannot admit to being wrong, don't care, or that they are on a purposeful gaslighting campaign. 5. Play the victim. Either by openly claiming the boundary is unfair and is hurting them, or seamlessly transition into an unrelated story to invoke pity.

[@xhaxha1028]

So helpful! I'm approaching month 4 of no contact with a narcissistic bf and it's a WONDERFUL thing!!¡!!

[@tatiscolombia]

you see the happiness in life again 😊

[@darkfoxdigi]

“I’m not going to let you sleep over anymore if you wake me up in the middle of the night when I have to go to work the next day for no real reason.” Oddly was the boundary battle line for years.

[@julievotaw3289]

Extremely helpful! The number one goal of these toxic people is to get you to give up on yourself. You bring the clarity that stops this!

[@ChrystalSafariRoy]

Omygosh!! The moment you set boundaries, they leave because they aren't able or willing to grow

[@dillp2267]

Thank you for explaining healthy boundaries. I legit don’t know what they are anymore. I gave my spouse one deal breaker boundary: don’t cheat on me. So he did it and walked out on our family. Then he said that if I truly loved him unconditionally, I’d allow him to keep me and the other woman.

[@JaneSmith.9941]

Gah. The inanity of it.

[@rltreasure]

Unconditional love doesn’t mean we have to tolerate selfish and cruel behavior!

[@rubee7510]

Mine said the same thing... Letting him go was the best thing I've done.

[@mesalouis8976]

My mom loves calling me a crazy alcoholic. I have never had a drink in my life.😭🤦🏽‍♀️

[@Mikelk71]

I just wept through this video because it rings so true for my experience. I am about seven months out and went no contact a few months ago. And I am just now starting to be able to read and understand without the fog that I was in. Slowly, I’m navigating my way out and I am so thankful to be out but the painful truth is I still miss them.

[@alex97in]

6 months for me.. I still miss her and I'm feeling so stupid for missing a person who was so bad for me 🥲

[@Mikelk71]

@ I hear your pain and thank you for sharing. The hurt around the hurt runs deep and can be a lot. Yet we must keep moving forward know we deserve better.

[@tshaika9165]

Once you fully realize that what you miss them for was all fake, you can break the spell. Look into "intermittent reinforcement", they got you addicted to their "nice" side by being unpredictable and thus getting you addicted to them. It's actually caused by body chemicals like dopamine and other hormones.

[@karrielangdon-iy4my]

I have had my problem go away for a month because he does what he wants. The best thing that has happened in a long time....... I have had peace and time to review our relationship . I understand who he is. Thank you for these videos.

[@torywalker4768]

Thank you. This is great. For all relationships with people with narcissistic traits, not just romantic partners.

[@bonobo3748]

I wonder how many narcs watching this rn saying "Yea, you're right, I am the victim"

[@Damesanglante]

I'd bet probably 90% of the commenters complaining. 😂

[@CarolAnne-n8w]

100% true and I went through it all and so glad he bailed. I dodged a bullet and can totally enjoy the rest of my life! Well done video.

[@nicolehayes6020]

Thank you Jimmy! Makes perfect sense and I’m done standing there…I’m jumping off the cliff and can’t wait for my new journey 💯✌️🤷🏻‍♀️😎🌹🙏💪❤️

[@NarcissistHex-nf9eq]

Are you leaving your narcissist? You can expect a rough ride Maybe, hoovering and harassment.

[@nicolehayes6020]

@@NarcissistHex-nf9eq yes I am leaving my narcissistic mother finally after almost 5 long decades of her abuse and not knowing what I was dealing w until I was 48 and I’ll be 50 in April. I’m fully aware and expecting all the things. Stalking, harassment, hovering, smear campaign etc these things are not new tho, she’s been doing this and more since birth. The only difference now is that I know who and what she is and she knows I know and I’m not afraid of her anymore. I actually think she has no idea what to expect from me because I’m so indifferent. So say some prayers, cuz on 11/11/2024, I’m walking away in silence w my head held high ❤️💯🤷🏻‍♀️🙏✌️🌹💪🫶

[@annmariereyes5126]

Yes! He's always says I bring out the best in him... And I told him he brings out the worst of me... I've never been the type to get this angry ever... Until now... It's to the point where im disgusted when he says he loves me... Actions speak louder than words.... And in the words of the great Tina Turner "whats love got to do with it?" The poking analogy perfectly made sense to me! Thank you... Im tired of being poked... 😢

[@mobiusmaximus586]

I think everyone wishes they had seen this video sooner. I know i do…. I also know my future self will be grateful i saw it when i did. Thank you Jimmy

[@mariaroberson2876]

I scream when he pokes me....feeling so bad about my behavior......couldn't take it anymore, so I finally made him leave......now he's the victim again

[@anaviana2641]

Perfectly true. Who on earth wants to be with such a horrible human? Yes the moment you start respecting yourself, and being courageous to live on your own, you have so much power to make a better life for yourself. Be good and loving to only the right people, and NOT to the narc. "Do not give your pearls to swine least they trample on them and turn and tear you to pieces". Stand up for yourself and the narc can go fly a kite and vanish because there's NO LOSS loosing that horrible toxic mad human. And I do empathise for all the rebounds the narc will abuse just as much as the narc abused you.

[@TheSlavicSear]

My daughter became a mom 3 years ago. We were all living together for the first year and a half. When she moved out she set boundaries for family fun and visits which sometimes meant we didn't see each other for weeks at a time- I understood we all lived together we needed a break. Then it kept on and she often cancelled last minute and often would not agree to making plans for a visit. I have to be fine with her boundaries and it's been happening for awhile and I'm starting to just accept and be happy with what I do have - focus on all the good things in life and live the serenity prayer. I did become depressed for awhile but all passes. Thanks for your channel it helped me a lot. I wondered at times if I was the narcissist. Thanks for clarification and making learning fun!

[@rachelg3274]

I don’t understand why you think you aren’t the narc. You sound like a narc playing the victim right now.

[@sallak6483]

When I became a mum I started to reduce contact with my step mother from hell. I literally got anxious the second I saw her name on my phone screen. Because refusing to come somewhere (so she can suddenly separate me from other people and start emotionally abusing me and then return to them as normal and happy and be totally stunned and laugh at how tired I looked, there must be something wrong with me being so introverted and getting so tired for no reason at all) would make her rage. So it is easier to just get a migraine or break a finger (Yeah I have actually hit myself with a hammer just to get away from her and have a legit reason) to cancel last minute. When I finally got in no contact with her, she was like "well I guess I am a monster and never did anything right 😢" and when she realized that bullsht wont fly anymore, she went pale and started screaming at how terrible and ungrateful daughter I am. She probably tells everyone I am a narcissist who has weaponized a boundary against her and she is the victim who tries to be understanding to me being horrible. Just saying.

[@sallak6483]

Lol KZbin did not seem to let me post my long comment so Yeah in short This sounds like something my step mom from hell would write in comments after years of emotional abuse I endured from her I hope that you are different and just clumsy with your comment but damn my blood pressure went up from reading this.

[@Bthe312]

You are. You resent her setting boundaries.

[@skachor]

These other people are really jumping the gun calling you a narcissist. You don't seem upset beyond being hurt that you don't see your daughter and grandchild as often as you did. The rest of these armchair psychs are confused and oversensitive in their responses.

[@andreahinojosa978]

We are a team until I challenge him by giving my opinion. Even if most of the time it’s regarding my own autonomy.

[@laurel7309]

This is so spot on. My brother and sister in law's behaviors got so toxic that I had to start grey rocking them at family gatherings. My brother (who is in his 40s) never asked "what's wrong? Are you ok?" He just threw tantrums and kept texting the rest of the family that I was ignoring him. When I made it clear I was done with the gaslighting and manipulation he said his boundaries weren’t being respected and I need therapy. It's ironic because he's the reason I decided to go to therapy and learned how to set boundaries with controlling people. 😂

[@michaelpiper4067]

just got diagnosed autistic 7 weeks ago. i find that almost all your advice translates pretty directly to 'how to communicate with neurotypical people'. ty. i might be 'borrowing' some of your content going forward.

[@lscs4151958]

WOW… you couldn’t have said it any better than this! Thank you for your time and energy to put content out like this.

[@LotusQueen-cv9tz]

This video reinforced my opinion of my guy. He disappears and forgets plans sometimes, but he really cares about me. Till date, he has always respected my every boundary and bent over backwards to make me comfortable. I'm soo lucky to have him. I guess I just overreacted. Thank you for showing me that I'm in the wrong. I'll apologise and send him lots of hugs.

[@DaisyChain44-d3x]

The narc in our life is my sister-in-law. Fortunately, my husband has come to terms with the fact that we need to maintain "no contact" with his sister due to her refusal to apologize and take responsibility for her toxic behavior and the mess she made. This video is insightful and so spot on, thank you!

[@stk7033]

It would probably start a fight, i wondered how they would react after saying "you made me do it" you ask " are you good with me having that much control over how you act?" 😮

[@Witchy_Cheree1982]

I do appreciate all of this and I have now avoided 3 narcissistic relationships because I DID have one and seeing your videos confirmed what happened to me and I can see a narcissist in 3 conversations and I just walk away no matter how kind they seem or how much “chemistry” we seemed to have. So happy to love myself and not fall for this bullshit! Thank you.

[@miranina1585]

My knees felt weak listening to you. You said so many of the same phrases of my ex it was uncomfortable. I left her 2 years ago after 3 broken trust ( 2 massive lies that were on the verge of manipulation that still have a negative impact on my life and 1 total disrespect of a boundary with gaslighting ) I then asked her to contact me again ONLY when she'll have grown as a person. She kept contacting me, and I stayed distant but still present for her reminding her to stop contacting me and only contact me when she'll have grown as a person. I had enough and said as a last message that she left me no choice but to block her number to force her to respect me. She left a voice mail playing the victim that blocking someone is not the right course of action and that I'm visibly still anger locked for doing such a thing. I had my flaws and I was a bad person in prior relationship, I grown and was ready for a good and stable relationship when I met her in my late 30. I guess this is my karma showing me and making me pay the price of what I did to others, and then some more.

[@Knightshade-95]

This is insanely accurate. Especially the part about poking someone to their breaking point and eventually they snap back and act out of character. I finally found the courage to get a separation. Been a decade of this type of crazy-making and my mental, emotional, physical, and even spiritual health has suffered enough.

[@JJJJJJ5076]

I love this man for giving this information. We live in a toxic world with sick people. He gives us the tools to survive. Thank you❤❤❤

[@bobbiechinn9578]

Can't help but notice the plants you have in your backgrounds. Beautiful. Ive been growing/collecting for around 40 years. Love them ❤💚

[@Kitsasaru]

My ex of 8 years left me on valentines day for a mutual friend who was supposed to be the priest for our wedding. Wish I'd seen your videos sooner, probably would've avoided a lot of suffering. It's crazy how I didn't understand the behavior until seeing stuff like this.

[@DeborahThird-og1uo]

😢

[@Damesanglante]

Wow, that's horrible. I'm sorry man...

[@luckycat13]

This describes my relationship with both my mother and my sibling. I'm so tired.

[@tatiscolombia]

Get away, if you can. Cutting ties with family is so hard but sometimes is the only way to heal

[@dluxsolutionsathome5162]

I told my ex husband before we got married that I didn’t want to share details of my past with him, but I made a few boundaries on the topic. AS SOON as I gave him a small explanation, he immediately utilized that information against me. We were married 60 days and he immediately started gaslighting me and accusing me of setting him up for counseling 🤯 The worst part, his family took his side so to not damage their relationship with him.

[@Albatross4Sure]

With many of my family members, their favorite tactic was to go to opposite extremes to punish me for speaking up when I'm uncomfortable. I'm freezing cold, and I say so, they'll turn the thermostat up to stifling heat, wait for me to say something about that, and then use this to "prove" I can't be satisfied. I'm going to complain no matter what. It's too noisy, I can't think, and I ask for quiet while I'm trying to study for this important test. Well! Just because I temporarily needed quiet at that particular time, they'll launch into this lengthy, drawn out, resentful silent treatment. If I ever want the pleasure of their company and conversation again, I'm going to have to BEG them to speak to me! I feel suffocated because they're overhelping me, and I speak up about wanting to do it myself, then by jiminy, the next time I genuinely need help, they're going to let me fall flat on my face, and they'll be sure to throw it at me. "But I thought you said you could take care of yourself!" You get the picture.

[@tatiscolombia]

and all said in passive aggressive tone. Sounds just like my family 😅😢

[@LindaTaglieri]

Thank you Jimmy: I could have used u years ago. I am so lost right now, but now I know what I am dealing with. Listening to you, I understand a lot more. Thank you.

[@michaelcummings8744]

Online community has been a huge consolation when my real life social network has been destroyed.... Lord have Mercy ✝️

[@JaneSmith.9941]

I am so sorry for your loss. May God bring you a new in person community full of both truth and grace.

[@tatiscolombia]

Being with a narcissistic ended half my social circle. And ending the relationship ended the other half. I had to start from zero, but leaving that place was worth it. You can do it, Michael! You're strong and resilient

[@geekchick4859]

Remember “Footprints”. At the time when you’re at your lowest, God is carrying you.

[@teeare2367]

You are my hero! I needed this at this exact moment! I wish I could discover and heal what has broken my ability to let toxic PEOPLE GO!

[@PatBlack-sj7tg]

So true started with neglective abusive parents and straight into an abusive marriage ..😢

[@limanino]

Jimmy, you help me so much, you have no idea. Thank you!

[@cynthiawarren9379]

Thank you for video- I had to distance myself from my abusive mother!😊

[@sanimal.social]

Watching and learning from videos like this is really helping me to finally realise something that I was never taught before, that even if you care for and love someone deeply, that doesn't mean a relationship with them is workable in the long run. With all the love and devotion in the world you can't heal and support someone with change if they're not capable of it, or they themselves don't want to make changes, because for a narcissist having a healthy and deep connection with someone simply isn't in their frame of reference or their reality of how the world works.

[@Stormee-i6f]

Thank you for your insight and clarity; you have been a guiding source of hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. I've been married for 20 years, and we never fought for the first 13 years; it was barely a heated discussion. Things suddenly became issues when he stayed out late into the am hours. Long story short, he left, we both had another short-term relationship in-between, then decided to try again, four kids in mind, and ever since, he's been exactly, in every single way, shape, or form, what you have described like you are watching my life. I was so confused, hurt, and ALWAYS to blame, and the guilt took me to the point of wanting to end my life, being told how awful and how bad of a person I was. I thought I might be insane, as much as I was told I was, along with many other choice words, until I saw one of your videos, and it has changed my life. I will forever be grateful for your time and efforts in all that you do. I especially love your shorts, the BAD ADVICE one, is my favorite😊God bless! ❤

[@kathyegbert6532]

This is amazing. You’ve just described my 30 year marriage. This is the best description of a narcissist in a relationship I’ve ever seen. Thank you for making things so clear.

[@kmoon50]

BRILLIANT..... every single word he said. EVERY SINGLE WORD.

[@0scJohnson0]

Best way to handle them is to go no contact and if that’s not possible : don’t tell them your plans, don’t ask them for help Or cooperation, don’t voluntarily interact with them and when they do (and they will) come up with some reason they need to speak to you, keep your responses short and not open ended.

[@skybengal]

Wow, you speak soo much truth. Hit the nail right on the head! My boundaries included seeing my son once a week & standing up for myself when falsely accused of cheating incessantly ! Then she accused me of being toxic because I said no and stood up for myself. She actually said I wasn’t allowed to go to bed early when poorly because she had trust issues and I had to be available to take a video call at any moment. Any boundaries I tried were crushed with hostility every time. My head is still spinning despite being in no contact for two months. Thank you for such an appropriate and validating video 👍🏽👍🏽

[@TracyNewton-q3b]

I got asked if was in an extra sensitive mood when I tried to set a boundary. Thanks god for showing me this person's way of thinking. 🙏🏼

[@Brightstartarot8]

What an amazing and accurate message about this dynamic!! I just wanted to tell you all, for those of you still signing up for toxic relationships- there is a light at the end of the tunnel... healing yourself and getting out of toxic patterns IS very possible and doable! I've made HUGE strides in this and have such better boundaries than I ever did before ❤

[@Levandetag]

Not only for "narcissts" also for ordinarie people, who havent understood anything of the differences between, whats what. Good listening

[@drewcunningham7359]

I was dating a narcissist and she used boundaries to avoid communication and closeness. She created random boundaries to avoid any discussion she didn’t want to have. The important thing that I learned was if there were so many boundaries, then we weren’t right for each other.

[@natalialenchuk1759]

My husband now often says (when in reply to his accusations about any particular situation, I even start telling the facts only, how it actually happened) - Oh, sure, you are right, it's me who is responsible, of course, I simply forgot, it was all my fault. - mockingly, of course. Any attempts to just list the facts, without any accusations or emotions hit his stonewall and are followed by him repeating the same words over and over again. "See, I don't even argue with you, my fault, sure!'...

[@bookcrazy00]

“You wouldn’t treat someone the way they treat you, would you?” wow that hit home 🥲 thank you

[@kaca.p]

I needed to hear this right at this time. I have a 4yearold with a narcissist and I managed to leave him while pregnant with our second baby. It is my due date today and because we have to communicate with each other as for the daughter, I caught myself thinking that maybe he is not that bad. He is trying to be supportive, wants to be there as the father for our new baby, etc. Which I understand, he always wanted two kids and I am not the type of person that would stop him from being that. I am just really afraid of what is going to happen 😟 I feel very vulnerable now and will be even more after the baby is born. That is why this video came to me just in time, as a reminder. Thank you for that ❤

[@bookcrazy00]

Stay strong 💛 you’ve got this!

[@Ratgirl2]

Oh indifference is where I am and he wants intimacy and I'm a strong NO. No empathy like a wolf in sheep's clothing.

[@rolanwiloone1]

Wow. I've been listening to a lot of Narcissist content but this hit so hard and undid so many ways I have continued to doubt myself. Thank you!

[@michhmushh]

You just helped me make sense of the last 6 years of my life. Thank you for making me realize that I didn't do anything wrong by trying to maintain a healthy reasonable boundary with an unreasonable person.

[@thomaslafferty3459]

Suffered 8 years of narcissistic abuse, spent the entire relationship believing I was broken, disgusting & subhuman. After they love bomb you, suddenly their love has to be earned back by following a set of unrealistic & unhealthy conditions. Often it involves changing who you are entirely. When I finally “fixed everything wrong with me” that’s when the relationship ended. She got bored & realised there was nothing left to weaponise.

[@judewuski]

10:33 if someone’s poking you…. I would scream at the person poking”… And under the perfect set-up, a narcissist or their enabler/s might only witness the “scream at the person” & the screamer would then be labeled as abusive. The really smart narcissists can come up with that sort of scenario…the really lucky narcissists luck into those scenarios & run with it.

[@stacielosso5401]

You are SO GOOD at articulating this dynamic, great examples, great way to lead me through to the ultimate resolution- walk away