I’m a Chronic People Pleaser (Can I Set Boundaries?)

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

A yes person becomes a used, tired and bitter person .

[@Hiker2110]

Giselle, I'm not sure if you'll ever read this, but I feel inclined to write this comment. Everything that you have said about people-pleasing completely resonates with me. I was a chronic people-pleaser for my entire life until very recently. In late 2019, one tragic event lead to a domino-effect that put me through an 18 month period of debilitating depression. It was obvious that I was drowning, but nearly all of the people I had sacrificed my peace for in hope of pleasing could not be bothered to dip a toe in the water to help or give me the benefit of the doubt. It was the biggest wake-up call of my life. Sacrificing your peace to avoid rocking the boat is never worth it. That does not give me or anyone else a free pass to be a jerk, but I have now realized at age 29, that I have every right to speak for myself and defend myself if I am being insulted, attacked, or blamed for things that are out of my control. It's been a long road, but I now have far more peace in my life since embracing the fact that I am not responsible for anyone's happiness other than my own. I have not read Dr. John's book, but I highly recommend reading Mark Manson's, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***. If you aren't offended by cuss words, that book literally changed my life. I wish you all the best in your journey. You are worth it!

[@salonsavy6476]

👏👏👏,,, Thank you for you’re honesty 🤗❤️

[@zeal4god402]

Tara, I'm pleased you busted out of that chrysalis stage in that cocoon and are now soaring like a 🦋

[@MsRealtalk2012]

That was beautiful

[@Hiker2110]

@@zeal4god402 Late response, but thank you so much!

[@yvonnemclaughlin4324]

It took me 40 years to stand up for myself to my mother. I took a class on how to be assertive without being aggressive. It helped me set boundaries and gave me the self-esteem I needed. If I did it so can YOU!

[@zeal4god402]

Gotta know when to put people in their place in the right way

[@yvonnemclaughlin4324]

@@zeal4god402 yes, I was no match for my mom’s way of arguing. She didn’t want to hear my point of view she only wanted to be right.

[@JustOne-qe7jl]

Good for you. All the best for a happy and peaceful life. God bless you.

[@jb-on2pk]

I needed to hear this so much. Ive been blaming myself and wondering why i cant break out of people pleasing. I thought it was just my personality and have always wondered what was wrong with me. This happened when i was a child. I never wanted to blame my parents but its so freeing to know there is an answer for this and there is healing available

[@NoName-pe5sx]

“There are many Beths in the world, shy and quiet, sitting in corners till needed, and living for others so cheerfully that no one sees the sacrifices till the little cricket on the hearth stops chirping, and the sweet, sunshiny presence vanishes, leaving silence and shadow behind.” - Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

[@Sheryl777]

No Name..."really" liked your comment...I posted that quote to my facebook page.

[@gloriack7976]

💖 thank you. I loved Beth's character growing up but I related better to other characters throughout my Louisa may Alcott years. This was precious and just maybe I have more of Beth in me than I thought. Bless you.

[@brookemoore8369]

Oh God. I totally feel this. Mine came from an inability to ever be able to express myself when I was younger. I was forced to have to keep my mouth just and go along with the status quo. OR ELSE. One day I just woke up and realized my entire life was everyone else’s life, and I didn’t even knew who I was…. I decided to make changes. It took me years, but one piece of wisdom that changed my life was, if you’re not being truthful in your life then your life is just full of lies. The truth sets you free. Lady, start telling the truth everywhere you go… as hard as it is. Don’t lie to yourself, don’t lie to other people, don’t lie at all. You are not doing yourself or other people any favors by lying. Speak the truth, and you will set your life straight, and your life will go where it needs to go. It can be done!!

[@lynnebucher6537]

You're 100% spot on. I'm the same in experience, and my best friend is even worse than I am. Both of us had childhood trauma and she had serious abuse, neglect and abandonment. It sets kids up to become people pleasers.

[@zeal4god402]

All liars have their part in the lake of fire 🔥

[@LadyMarigoldWithers]

Saying no when you need to and not letting yourself be used by friends/partners/family has improved my life no end. My mum is a chronic people pleaser, she practically apologises for breathing and has no sense of self. I’ve sworn I will never be like that. I naturally want to help out but I will no longer bend over backwards for people who don’t reciprocate and will look at their motives first. Don’t forget we’re absolute life to abusers so know your boundaries/morals and stick to them to not be taken advantage of ❤

[@samanthajo1593]

That woman sounded like me on the other line.. I appreciate the advice

[@jesus-on-demand]

Im not a people pleaser but I face tremendous peer pressures and bullying because I refuse to compromise my stand on very important matters and people please. This video makes me more thick skinned.

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

My dads an alcoholic and my mom was emotionally volatile growing up. She would threaten to kill herself or leave. Some days she would literally leave the house and say she wasn’t coming back, only to return in the evening. Plus my sister was depressed and suicidal and I worried about her all the time. But I realize no matter what little Sydney felt was her responsibility, it’s not mine anymore. I’m an adult, I take care of me now. I gave up my whole childhood to worry about my family. I deserve to care about me now. You do too, Gisele.

[@zeal4god402]

Self-care is essential

[@katiewaves]

John is amazing. He moves me to tears.

[@juliechildress8905]

I can relate to this caller's situation. I hope this woman has learned to set boundaries and living her best life possible.

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

I’ve been working on this in therapy for the last few years.

[@Minnesotayankee]

Yes so many women self included are raised to be people pleasers. When I get the nerve to stand up for myself often I’m told I’m being selfish , or you’re not as sweet as you think you are. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

Gisele, you will overcome this. I used to be a chronic people pleaser (my mom is one) but over the past two years I’ve made a conscious decision to stop. I speak my mind now. I gave up being the “nice girl” and if people want to take me the wrong way, I let them. It takes such a weight off your chest. I still have a lot of work to do but I’ve come so far. You got this. All it is is fear. You have an irrational fear that if you don’t people please, everyone will hate you and you’ll be abandoned and alone. It’s not true. People will still love you. And they’ll respect you more.

[@zeal4god402]

I'm not out here to please this whole world around me, I got my mind on eternity

[@kaylawolff4382]

My mother has bpd and I can resonate with this myself. It's hard sometimes. Taking care of you is sooo important and difficult because of feelings of guilt. This did not click for me until my late twenties when I was in therapy because my life was so out of control. I was being abused by my alcoholic husband and in therapy because I was having bad panic attacks/anxiety and felt crazy. That's when I learned that my panics were because I was living in an unsafe environment. Thank God for Alanon and thank God for the amazing therapist. The things my mother did to me growing up were unsupportive, selfish and belittling but as a child you don't see the disfunction. You just think something is wrong with you. Then as an adult when someone else comes around and tells you something is wrong with you, abuses you then you accept it because you think it's deserved. It's not.

[@cynthiawarren9379]

Dr. Delony- Thank You for this video. I can totally relate to this topic- my mom was toxic- verbally and mentally abusive to me, and my dad did not help by confronting her. My dad kept quiet to keep peace in the home. I have learned to speak up for myself instead of stuffing my feelings in.

[@yesorno1768]

One other thing I may add is that all the lies you’ve been believing will be straightened out when you start telling the truth. If you have a honest friend.

[@dhritikapoor2897]

Sometimes I feel my husband is a people pleaser. That’s why I keep asking him what he wants or what he thinks . And he just goes along with what everyone else wants and says what pleases them to avoid conflict

[@shyneray250]

I had a similar struggle and have slowly been making changes in how I relate with fellow humans..

[@tonniareed8631]

This is me 100%

[@merlysilva4958]

I had a horrible childhood my mom always belittled me my brother was always the perfect child. My stepfather did things to from 10 to 16 and my mom kicked me out at the age of 17 she never believed me. Fast foteard she found me after looking for me and i wished she never found me. She never changed never acknowledged my boys as her grandchildren. She never changed I finally cut her out of my life. And now as an adult I never put myself first I never say no I always say yes to avoid confrontation. I keep letting people walk over me. I'm divorced I let his family do the same thing to me walk over me. I'm 54 and still trying deal with this crap.

[@daniellem8790]

I relate to this caller so much. Been working on healing from this very thing for some years now.

[@novocaine09]

You really really are worth it 💓

[@salonsavy6476]

I am the same way ,, I’ve also been in counciling for this ,, it stems from my childhood,,

[@janelleg597]

I find it really therapeutic listen to scambaiters, Kitboga and Rinoa Posion. It gives me courage seeing them troll so hard. Hard to explain, but it helps.😄😄

[@kendrarhodes6425]

Hits close to home. Looking forward to reading your book.

[@madelinesmith6306]

Needed this. I have been discussing this exact topic with my husband.

[@jakehansen5719]

I'm glad you are able to talk to your husband about this. Trauma is primarily expressed in 3 ways and understanding these will open people's eyes to whether they've experienced trauma and what that looks like for them. The ways are fight, flight or freeze. If you feel a need to lash out in a defensive, aggressive or passive-aggressive way you are experiencing fight. If you feel the need to run away from situations or avoid conflicts you are experiencing flight. If you are shutting down, you are experiencing freeze. What Giselle is describing as paralysis is a freeze response. People don't really understand that most people have experienced some form of trauma and it's good to unpack that trauma even if it was just mild. Recognizing how a person has experienced trauma isn't an attack on others nor is it blaming them (unless of course blame is warranted). People need to separate blaming others from accepting where the blame doesn't exist which is with the person who experienced the trauma. It's never that person's fault even if it's no one else's fault either. To unpack trauma, we don't need to assign any blame which is a place I often start from with patients.

[@reneeantwi-boasiako3974]

@06:05-07:08 I needed that Dr John 😭👐🏿

[@hashtagCatholic]

😭 -- because I'm too choked up to anything else. I soooooooo felt this.

[@katelyndefreitas2810]

Read the book Daughters of Narcissistic mothers

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

Oooh, boy. Never heard of that one...thanks for the tip for all of us!

[@marciesalkowski8139]

This episode broke me and make me stronger

[@kylaboulter9274]

Recommend the book: When People are Big and God is small

[@Amberrechelle]

Another episode that made me cry

[@melaniegreen1311]

I feel like I am in the same boat in a way. Except it was my dad with a temper problem and a depressed mom.

[@markellis6887]

There’s one way to solve this. Don’t give a f***. That’s it.

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

It’s easier for a guy to say this .

[@sueblack5794]

@@rebeccaoprea9917 Society definitely puts the burden of "nice and serving" on the shoulders of women and especially if you are a Christian woman. The Evangelical church really pushes this on women.

[@novocaine09]

Yeah, if only it were always that easy.

[@zeal4god402]

The power of a positive NOOOOOOOOOO

[@sarahmarginson7006]

I was the same as that lady my parents were absent.l am dealing with it all now at 64 and l won't you to know it's worth doing. Sx

[@princessbagley]

Giselle strive to please yourself. You matter the most!! Be Blessed!!

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

If you don’t comply, you get ostracized.

[@lynnebucher6537]

I've come to realize that if my compliance and lack of boundaries is a requirement, then I need to push back and even cut the toxic people out of my life.

[@ceciliajohnson8812]

Become a completely honest person, Giselle. Stop all forms of lying. Be honest. Your people pleasing is a form of manipulation, even though you are likely the one who ends up being manipulated. Speak the truth, nothing more, nothing less. If you don't know what the truth is in a particular situation, then admit it. The lying to others (and yourself) must stop. The root of people pleasing is fear of not being loved or liked, but people will respect you so much more!

[@kickasskiki28]

You sound like me long while back, bpd is a big part of having no identity and being a chameleon

[@ACEDMom]

The caption itself is beyond me like that's weird and sad. And oh my gosh girl get a life and grow a backbone that comment was before I started watching and I literally just heard we're going to Giselle right now so I didn't watch the whole thing but let's see find out but I already guessed it's the girl and it's correct

[@beckykazeks6827]

C'mon!! Just start doing what you have NEVER done?!? B.S.

[@cutehumor]

Dr. Baloney, where is the phone call from parents being traumatized by their adult children???

[@kylemedeiros6907]

Call the show and ask.

[@cutehumor]

@@kylemedeiros6907 flee the catholic church who believe in false doctrine of praying to the saints instead of to the LORD and protect pedophile catholic priests

[@pmeehan_3]

Where have they learned to behave like that?

[@zeal4god402]

What is that adult child, a gang leader?

[@lilibethvilella]

Love you so much Dr John 🙏🏽🤍 thank you for what you do