Becoming Valuable and Fallible for the Scapegoat Survivor of Narcissistic Parents

[@tiptopdadddy]

“The scapegoat child is prevented from knowing what is GOOD about themselves”, man that nails it. I was absolutely denied any visibility, validation, celebration, and the self esteem that comes with it. I realize now, and why, it was a projection of my parents own dysfunction but damn. It was hard to grow up that way, but the reverberations through out my life have been almost unbearable.

[@cosmopolitan794]

"The scapegoat child is saddled with the mandate to be perfect if they want to feel worth while the family sees them as hopelessly imperfect. So it's a no-win situation." Wow. Thanks for putting this so clearly and succinctly.

[@terridillon3053]

I thought I was evil my whole life! Then, I saw true evil and realized, that wasn’t me! I wasn’t evil. That was all projected onto me.

[@Thysta]

If you think about the possibility with a strong guilt almost fear like WHAT IF I am that bad, you can be 100% sure you are not. That is the result of abuse, "alien feelings" and OCD on top of them. After a breakup (with a borderline of course), I kind of had to visit a therapist, I told him I broke up with my ex, he ask why we broke up I said I was a narcissist. He laughed into my face and told me I can be absolutely sure I was not one. First, I would not be there, second a narcissist would never ever say something like that. That was the first glimpse for me into who I really am after childhood neglect, which kind of topped in figuring out few year later I'm an INFJ, rarest MBTI type, the hero, the lets-save-everyone-and-make-the-world-a-better-place person. You know like Will Smith who even slapped a guy at the Oscar's to defend a wife who I'm not exactly sure deserved it.

[@kaystephens2672]

Perfectly put. Big kids with a whole lotta lies. In a way, they got caught with their hands in the cookie jar. Otherwise, you wouldn't be on this channel. Many times, It's for inheritance, way down the road. I did my homework and figured out the problem. Greed. It took me 2 years. Their greed, the whole time. Many times if your abuser has this bizarre behavior, look at a sibling of theirs. That could be the reason for all their nonsense. Trust me on that, empaths. I've seen it 2x in my lifetime. They may just feel entitled to get everything for themselves. And leave you the crumbs. Greed is a horrible sin. And it does some very nasty things to the hearts of men and women. And to the lives of others who they deceived.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

I too thought I was evil for a lot of life.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

One of my biggest problems in life is walking into things and not seeing the more subtle signs of poor behaviours in others.

[@taraarrington2285]

It's like having to play the same role in a movie over and over again and you never liked the role in the first place. It gets very old and if you were ever like aspects of that role you have outgrown the role and you have become better or different and they will refuse to ever see you in a new light.

[@lovesings2us]

Yup!

[@amberinthemist7912]

This is beautiful and exactly right. Thank you for posting this. Every moment of clarity helps the healing come.

[@taraarrington2285]

It's like an equilibrium thing for the family. They must make the scapegoats problems or mistakes seem larger than they really are to point as the scapegoat as the identified patient or the problem of the family. Because if they were to become self-aware and see that this is not the case they would actually have to look at themselves and see themselves as fallible inhuman and they would have to do some work on themselves so they can't do that so they must projected all onto the scapegoat.

[@rachelmaxwell5953]

One of the MANY consequences in my life of fear of mistakes is that other people have found my perfectionism annoying. I have been described, somewhat sarcastically and bitterly, as being “goody two shoes”, “whiter than white” and “angelic”. I really want to remedy this, failure of mistakes is keeping me stuck in my life. Best wishes to everyone here in this space - you feel like my soul family! ❤

[@moirabijker]

No contact with covert Narc mother and two enabler siblings going to three years now. Best decision I ever made. I have grown considerably in my recovery process and am really starting to believe in and trust myself. I am fallible and still loveable. Thank you so much for these inspirational videos. I get a better view of reality every time I listen to you. May God bless all of us who had to endure these most cruel and dehumanizing ordeals but are surviving and thriving nonetheless.

[@Thysta]

Wish you all the best lady!

[@DJH97]

That’s me. Narc mother and enabling father and 2 siblings. I’m done as well.

[@lovesings2us]

Thank you for your beautiful blessing.

[@moirabijker]

@@Thysta , thank you. 🙏

[@moirabijker]

@@DJH97 , it feels so good to know we never have to suffer their illness again. 🌸

[@theearmuffs1046]

I used to believe to my core that the world would achieve peace if I had never been born. The gravity of how horrible that was hits me now but at the time it was just my reality.

[@lovesings2us]

Thank you, Jay! You speak in such a clear powerful way about how a narcissistic parent can project their perception of their own evil onto their scapegoat child! I'm an almost 68 year old adult scapegoat child and the truth of what your saying feels like actual healing light that penetrates through my false sense of "badness" and shrinks it, like radiation dissipating cancer cells. I always feel it's a real gift for me to listen to your videos.

[@jcm5171]

68 years old here too, and feeling the same. God bless us all, survivors!

[@waterbottle2183]

I can’t say my age - just very grateful to finally hear concrete assertions of feeling less alone - feeling the pain ❤but also grateful for this video.

[@XOChristianaNicole]

When I would “talk back” (me being autistically honest), often times, my mother would get this venomous look on her face and in her eyes, yelling, “Who the hell do you think you are??” A few years ago, during my near decade tenure of being bedridden/housebound, with my mother as my “caretaker,” she said the same thing.. And all I yelled back was, “Who the hell do you think YOU are??” She hasn’t really said it since. And the time or two she has slipped, I reminded her she isn’t as mighty, as she attempts to seem. Sure, I was punished for it, later on. Though, it was worth it.

[@Thysta]

You are so great for yelling back! Once, after living with my npd dad for 20 years, once I dared to tell him "It'd be good if you wouldn't come home every day drunk.." The hysteria and 3-year-old fury I watched, he was throwing around stuff in the kitchen. He believed that because he fed me (refrigerator was empty a lot of times and he was not home), he was entitled to be drunk, to scold me because I ONLY RECEIVED 4 As that day and one B (how dare I), he can punch me when I was after a surgery, he can tell me what school I should go, and I won't go on.

[@lovesings2us]

@@Thysta You are an amazing survivor!

[@lovesings2us]

Wow, you're so brave!

[@Thysta]

@@lovesings2us you are too just have no idea about it. Do not buy into their play it is 100 % intentional.

[@peaceinapod1]

The word "venomous" is so spot-on. I often use it when I'm describing my experience... it truly feels like being poisoned.

[@annewoods3528]

For a long time, I felt that others exist on a more-or-less platform with some bumps, while I had to jump from spike to spike. A misstep for others was a stumble; for me, it was a free fall into a chasm. Your explanations make 1000% sense. I also agree with you 3 pillars of recovery. I cut off all contacts with my family. It was the best decision I ever made in my life. My defiant side also helped me survive that hellish existence. I'm almost 60 years old and really look forward to getting to know and love the real me.

[@marycrowley1442]

You don’t really die. You just pass into the next spirit realm.

[@freeandfabulous4310]

Yes my imperfections are all that my father ever saw. And he let me know at every turn. Vile is a good word for how he felt about me.

[@Tlatp]

I've been listening to Jay's videos for a while now and I've found them extremely valuable. I grew up in an abusive family and then became the scapegoat in my in-law's family. This video finally released me from the mindset that "if only I could have been better or done something different, then I wouldn't have been on the receiving end of abuse". I now realise that I was going to be attacked, whatever I did. Although it's only been three days, I can feel that something fundamental has shifted in me and I feel radically more peaceful towards myself and my abusers. Thank you Jay

[@rob_see]

"if only I could have been better or done something different, then I wouldn't have been on the receiving end of abuse" wow. i cannot believe how much i relate to this. i have been dwelling for awhile on a relationship with a woman i had recently, and this is the feeling i constantly have.

[@dianeshoemaker6591]

#Me too! Scapegoated with my in-laws after being it in my own family. Same at work!!

[@meredith2803]

So glad I’m done with the lot of them! Thank you for all your wonderful work, helping us that are horribly targeted by people that are meant to love us. I can’t fathom treating children like this, it’s heartbreaking. My only regret is not going no contact sooner.

[@DJH97]

Exact same here. Should’ve done this decades ago.

[@meredith2803]

@@DJH97 so glad this information is getting out there. When I think of all the scapegoats that didn’t have this information prior to the internet. It’s just awful to imagine the lives they lived; destitute forgotten lives, a stranger to themselves. Probably stuck in institutions where their families should have been really. The whole family system is rotten here. I think about those people a lot.

[@DJH97]

@@meredith2803 That’s a great point. I’m 62 and spent all my life wondering why my family was so cold and hateful. From physical abuse to me and my animals to my kids. It just kept happening then I was always told to forgive and get over it. It was such torment. I’m relieved to be free even though I’m old. At least I’m at peace and stay around people and friends that care about me.

[@freeandfabulous4310]

Closeness with safe people…now that’s a good goal

[@palefireinca]

Something has definitely shifted. A few days ago, I read Jay's paper on parent's pathological projection. Since then I have found myself calmly regularly deep breathing, which I have not felt safe enough to do for 50 years, at least. Each video since I feel an increase of child like joy and enthusiasm for my life.

[@juneelle370]

🙌yes~ Jay’s medicine is powerful medicine 🌀💙🌀 it’s paradigm, feeling shifting!

[@lovesings2us]

So wonderful to hear, and inspiring! Thank you for sharing.

[@diatribe5]

That’s great recovery progress. I have yet to feel joy and enthusiasm for life, but I’m a pessimist, so it’ll take a long time, if at all. As far as the 3 pillars, I got distance from the narcissistic abusers long ago, and thanks to these videos, I have been starting to make sense of what happened. But it will take me more time and practice to live in defiance of the narcissist’s rules. There are numerous meditation videos on KZbin to help with breath work, and most of them are helpful.

[@Thysta]

Great to hear!!

[@ElyJane]

Where can I read this paper?

[@kobra4422]

I am so happy for the book. I hope Jay Reid will publish more books since he has such specific knowledge in that topic and shares it in understandable, empathetic way.

[@lorileclaire281]

I agree. He doesn't just rehash the work of others on the topic of N abuse -- and there are many who do that, to make a buck, I guess; he is adding new aspects to our understanding of narcissism.

[@waterbottle2183]

I agree there are some sick people out there trying to pretend they’re healers by rehashing others’ stuff, sad - Jay Reid actually cares enough to do the real work of learning and then teaching people how to heal themselves. Thank you 🙏🏾 ❤. Feeling some h o p e

[@Thysta]

Absolutely totally right. I was a straight A student, basically from first of elementary all the way to graduation. ONCE I got a D in Chemistry at half year, but I guess only because I laughed at my teacher at the start of the semester for having her phone ring after she told us to silent ours. After graduation, we went to party sometimes, sometimes came home drunk (what a surprise from a 18 year old who loves party girls and alcohol), and my NPD father, I just stepped into the door, he saw me once I was with a black eye, and he immediately acted like I brought home 4 dead bodies. Or I don't even know what would have justified that reaction. Let me tell all of you, his acting skills were on point. I felt like the worst person on the block. I internalized that in a second. Thank you Jay, if I ever get out of my Depersonalization Disorder, you have a big part in it. Much thanks.

[@menotyou6254]

I presented to the narcissist with a little Academy Awards that I made them for best actor and best actress they didn’t appreciate my humor Apparently that provoked another tirade which I knew it would but they come anyways so why not pick when they happen it was my thought as a kid , was bring it on not so much as an adult. Thank you for sharing glad you’re healing seek wellness wholeness and congruencyAuthenticity and willingness to let yourself change and become who you want to become it’s OK

[@Thysta]

@@menotyou6254 Wish you the best.

[@soniahathaway1]

Thank you for all your hard work and true understanding Jay. You are truly a life saver! X

[@rachelmaxwell5953]

@Thysta “4 dead bodies” 😂 thank you for making me laugh!! They are so ridiculous, if we can find any humour it is empowering and healing 💪❤️

[@Thysta]

@@rachelmaxwell5953 lol ur welcome yeah lets laugh

[@menotyou6254]

Jay I’m sorry about your mom in your childhood I’m super glad you’re a therapist though and on KZbin so thank you for turning your frown upside down thank you for realizing that you were and are a beautiful human being thank you for rising above and thank you for being well enough to giggle to love to laugh to share to create and to assist others in their growth

[@taraarrington2285]

They always want to throw my past mistakes in my face. I have been doing a lot of hard work on myself for a very long time to better myself and to change old habits of behavior and thinking.

[@lillie9641]

Your profound understanding of the whole scapegoat process is such a gift to us here as fellow viewers ✨️

[@Gemmarose9012]

I was told that when I was treated well by friends and grown ups who like me that it was because they didn’t know how I REALLY am.

[@palefireinca]

Like THEY know who we really are or were. They didn't see beyond their own noses.

[@Gemmarose9012]

@@palefireinca That’s right.

[@kobra4422]

"It's bc they don't know I dump all my shame and unworthiness onto you and refuse to do the same so that together we could destroy you mentally" Nasty and evil beyond words

[@lovesings2us]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Hope things are better now.

[@Gemmarose9012]

@@lovesings2us Things are much better now! That was my childhood, not my adulthood.

[@Shimmerin]

Good grief have I had that family dinner experience many times.

[@jcm5171]

Oh boy, how true, Dr Reid!!! Fallible or valuable...This has always been so confusing to me. I was just wondering why I keep thinking of my weaknesses and forget about my strengths all the time. I know them but they get outweighed immediately by all the faults I see in myself. It's a general feeling, it's ingrained in me. But if I really look at it, my faults correspond perfectly to my mother's criticism. She picks at truths and transforms them into something that is a lot worse. Intellectually, I understand that you can be a very valuable person and have faults. I easily see this in everyone. But somehow It doesn't feel like it applies to me.

[@Yung_Pirlo]

It’s possible, but the horrible feeling returns sometime. Took me allot of work.

[@palefireinca]

You hang in there, friend.

[@jcm5171]

I second that!

[@amberfuchs398]

"We're all guilty of being human." Accepting and acknowledging our human fallibilities helps us take steps to account for them in our choice of behaviors. Narcissistic people weaponizes human fallibilities as a way to shame and devalue others, which destroys connection. I think very many people have these wounds and it makes self-reflection painful instead of empowering. By acknowledging there's an issue, we can then exercise our agency to impact the issue. Denial of reality harms everyone.

[@Pantera22831]

Love your advise. I’m 45 and still looking at wfhappened and reconstructing self. Thank you, thank you, thank you….u r Blessed; someday will have enough income to ask for your therapy, if you’re available/willing….either way, thank you for understanding this hurtful experience…lots of love n compassion to you💜

[@lorileclaire281]

I'm behind on my Jar Reid videos. Catching up and just had to say the one on self-possession is so fantastic. It's dead on and salve to my soul. Also, I just got the new book on kindle and as someone else said in the Amazon reviews, I cannot put it down. Beautifully written and profoundly insightful. Gotta go now and get back to it. THANK YOU!!

[@lorileclaire281]

Jay, not jar.

[@suzannebunbury2961]

Thank you for this valuable video. Words cannot express the depth of my appreciation of you and your work. I bought your book! I’m excited about your book! You are building a beautiful legacy of healing, empathy, empowerment and love. I hope your book becomes a bestseller

[@deborah1295]

This can also happen through dominant narcissistic older siblings (with a big age gap) where parents don't intervene.

[@carlorizzo827]

Thanks Doc!! Your comments about brain stem⚡️caught my attention. The reflex to self defend is so fast, that slow-down in the frontal thinking area, ugh,... perpetual damage control. Better late than never/i'm glad i'm old

[@leahflower9924]

Yes now if they point out one thing i did wrong I feel worthless, same thing happens to me at work i assume i will get fired or i want to quit because i can't stand the tension i feel

[@carospereman3537]

Great video on becoming valuable and fallible. I really liked that you added diagrams. Visualization is always an extra boost to help me comprehend what's going on. Jay you do incredible work and thanks for helping so many people understand this crazy world of narcissism.

[@FaithfulandTrue949]

Thank you Jay. Oh I could write for hours... thats the key of being allowed to be imperfect. They are like white washed tombs - pretty on the outside and full of dead men's bones inside (bible quote). Still don't feel good enough, feel I can't turn up at a church without taking gifts for Easter, yet I can't cope with receiving 'gifts' and have to overcompensate by trying to return a bigger gift so I don't feel beholden to them. I logically know I don't owe people a lifetime of service/worship/providence for that 1 thing they did for me (with an audience). Conversely, i had an amazing counsellor who gave me a set of sessions free of charge, you could feel it was genuinely GIVEN not like the other gifts given with fanfare and payback attached.😢❤🙏

[@The_oxford_hillbilly]

My imperfections don’t cancel out my value. Wow, nailed it!!!❤

[@nickdesmone]

Thank You for your videos Jay, it’s a weekly delight to tune in as I reclaim myself

[@angelakeely5859]

Still to this day I dread confrontation, I know it stems back to being the scapegoat 🤔😵

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Thank you Jay. For all the step by step presentations. This is like the pinnacle- to reach this point- someday. Best wishes to all on their healing journey here.

[@GypsyJulie]

I bought Dr Reid's book and it arrived yesterday. So far I am so blown away! Thank you!

[@mosim9691]

I'm reading your book - it's DEEP! On Chapter 4. Thank you for putting this book out here!

[@kerryschippers9795]

Thank you Jay, you are an amazing source of common sense information that enables me to uncover more and more of myself.

[@bbjoyce-je1vx]

I always enjoy your videos. They are so interesting and they tell the truth about what happened to us as scapegoated kids. And I liked playing " hot potato" in elementary school😁😁😁 Thank You Jay....I look forward to your weekly videos. ❤

[@diatribe5]

I’m finally caught up on your videos. There, that’s an achievement. 😀 The guy in the dinner table is probably someone most of your subscribers can relate to. The boy scored 4 touchdowns in a single game, but only Al Bundy seems to get bragging rights, well into middle age, possibly to his deathbed. My younger sister was also the golden child, but because nobody’s perfect, I bullied her, because I figured that if I was going to get punished and hurt, it’s only fair that she got the same, if not by the evil parents, then I had to do the honors, so she knew her place, and didn’t dare join them when they badgered me. For a while, we made each other laugh, but we couldn’t control our laughter at the tense dinner table, so our parents would suddenly stand up and yell, “All right, leave the table!” I was never praised but always criticized. Never rewards, only punishment. I think that’s why in spite of being lonely and having so many bullies, I succeeded academically in boarding school - there were penalties ( but not corporal punishment) for not following the rules, but also rewards for good grades, giving me incentive, and that was one less thing for my father to nag me about. But at the family house, I was made to feel like I just couldn’t do anything right, and was certainly made to feel less than. Anything positive that I took interest in or accomplished was crapped on, which is probably why I ended up as an underachiever, aside from improving my grades in private school. Jay, are you sure that narcissists subconsciously have feelings of being defective, and that they don’t just deliberately treat some people like crap? I don’t want to think there’s any excuse for this sociopathic behavior. As a result of not getting acceptance and expected to be impossibly perfect, I noticed that in early adulthood, I felt critical of others and had little tolerance for their inadequacy. Well, one time, I told a coworker about what she did wrong, and she retorted, “Nobody’s perfect “. I wish that it had occurred to me to tell others that when they picked on me. I wish I had the guts, too, even then. I’ve had a bit of practice at this lately. Also, I was wondering if you could one day do a video addressing flashbacks and the old memories coming back to haunt me long after being out of the toxic family situation. I wonder if I’m the only one who experiences this. It didn’t when I was still working and paying a mortgage, so maybe it’s because I have too much time to ruminate on the past and let this stuff live rent free in my head. It often ramps up my adrenaline. Anyway, it was a very thought provoking video.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

I too struggle with flashbacks and old memories.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

YES, my mother will NOT communicate with me now. I was only ever allowed to be in the family so long as I accepted the narrative that they are perfect and I'm flawed (angry, emotional, sensitive, paranoid) whatever they *need* me to be to avoid confronting their own defensiveness and inability to accept even the tiniest bit of feedback. I have to reflect back their rosy view of themselves or I'm just cast out. 3 years now. Nobody does a silent treatment like my mother. She is angry with me, but that's expressed passively and through martyrdom and victimhood. So she can be covertly angry with me for being directly angry! ha! It's actually so ridiculous and sad. My dad backs her up no matter what.

[@diatribe5]

If you’re an adult, she probably did you a favor, because in these dysfunctional families, staying in contact can be stressful, draining and it’s like putting salt on fresh wounds. Remember the second point about getting away from the situation. Now, that can free you up to try to find good enough people who will accept you as you are.

[@sadderandwiser]

I appreciate you Jay. ❤️

[@soniahathaway1]

Thank you for your fantastic book Jay, it must have taken a lot of hard work, but it is a great addition to my knowledge base. 🎉

[@nobodynowhere21]

i finally figured it out this last week what happened in my family and why all the kids ended up like this protecting the system. it was like leaving a cult. but it's too late for me. im only 35, but even with a full time and a part time job i literally cannot afford rent anymore. i can keep working but i'll have to live in my car. i just can't deal with feeling unwanted by my parents, my family, my society even. i'm just not wanted. i really am trash. i cant even afford to get a pet friend because if they get sick i couldn't afford the bill. my worth to society is literally less than even a place to live. well, i tried guys. im going to have my therapy appoiontment today but i think im going to make it my last. with ww3 impending on the horizon too, i'm ready to call it a life. it's been a blast. good luck everyone :')

[@kobra4422]

Stay strong, wishing you things taking turn for good very soon 🍀

[@juneelle370]

Dear fellow scapegoat (who is really a beautiful soul who deserved equality and respect), please don’t do anything rash… I don’t know how to help but I want to try… by telling you that what I’ve gone through is Shakespearean too… above and beyond… but ultimately it’s still OUR gift of life and once we know what the heck went on/is going on, we can live so much happier and little by little get into a better position. It sounds to me like the life-altering games didn’t end at 18… didn’t for me either… and yes it’s a really hard thing to live through but we can live beyond it too… think of all the clarity we have about the frailties of humanity that others don’t… so many silver linings and things we can make from all the lemons. Besides Jay, let me tell you two people who help me a lot… Clarissa Pinkola Estes (audible books… she may have yt videos too) and Allan Watts, who I listen to every night. Like Jay, they are wise and gentle too. In one of Jay’s videos he said something about how they made certain emotions wrong, certain things were made not moral to feel and he disagreed with that … and I’ve thought about that a lot… that’s why even though I’m concerned based on what you said, I’m not saying you shouldn’t feel strong feelings about what has happened and the overall state of things in your life right now… just hoping to give some guidance on how to navigate with those feelings… I’m fewl “qualified” to advise on this bc I’m really going through it too but we humans can survive and move beyond so many things (if I may recommend a book Man’s Search for meaning… it has really helped me, first book I read when I was in a wheelchair) … so back to how to respect and navigate our feelings in the face of hard circumstances and sabotage… a couple nights ago I came across this Allan Watts video kzbin.info/www/bejne/mnTPoImfYpqtftE&pp=2AHDAZACAQ%3D%3D about feelings and also found a relevant quote last night about how you can’t sail on yesterday’s wind… I love to put everything into the metaphor of sailing when I can because it makes it so easy to understand :) and so I’d add to what Watts said… all emotions are right/valid within a compass of love (which includes ourselves and the unique duties each of us has to ourselves as individuals and others in the ways we are obliged to them too… when it’s proper/not harmful to ourselves) vs ego compass (being caught in an inferiority paradigm where the moral compass doesn’t include ourselves, our worthiness, autonomy, agency or conversely the superiority paradigm where it just pretty much is about oneself and to hell w everyone else, as our abusers did) ❤ YOU deserve to live your life, free and feeling, within love for yourself and agency/autonomy of your life. You are young. AND even if you weren’t the same would apply! The world needs sensitive people of love like you! Like us! 😘 🌊⛵️🌊❤️🧭

[@palefireinca]

Please let the part of you that wants to live survive this brutal circumstance.

[@soniahathaway1]

Oh no! Don’t feel negative about yourself and let them win. You can recover and win. Ask for help if you can and more importantly, please believe you can go on. The world needs people like you, keep faith in yourself and one day you will be able to help others. X

[@nicole8511]

Hi Knight of Cups, please do not connect your worth as a person to the wages you earn. We live in a society that allows a type of fraud where many people are not paid enough to live and afford the basics, while corporations pocket excessive profits and push their workers into needing food stamps, etc. Your life is a gift to you and your value does not depend on your salary or the perceptions of others. The pain of narcisstic abuse is immense, but your life has such worth. The issue of your wages is similar to narcisstic abuse. It is theft in plain sight. I just want to encourage you to take one more step, to keep going, one day at a time and one hour at a time. Please know you are not alone. I send best wishes to you and hope peaceful days are ahead, one day at a time

[@jeanette5524]

Thank you Jay for another video that is so very helpful. I find your explanations have a amazing crystalising clarity that get to the nub of things. The diagrams in here really helped and I also loved the metaphor of the hot potato.

[@cairosilver2932]

Jay, do you think there can be levels of continual dissociation going on (the purpose being to avoid the ongoing painfulness of continual shame)?

[@Kathym080]

Thank thank you for what you do!!!

[@Pukeyray]

Congrats on your new book Jay!

[@BaseJok-vh7dp]

This is a profound video. Thank you Jay.

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you.

[@janettemartin4604]

JESUS CHRIST I was playing VIVIDLY in my mind a Thanksgiving VERY SIMILAR to this! BUT this time my BROTHER IN LAW said something crude ABOUT ME! (He said, "DON'T LEAVE YOUR LL BEAN BOOT'S at the DOOR, JANETTE will steal them and take them BACK to LL BEAN). I HAD NO DAMN IDEA he even KNEW I existed, let ALONE that he KNEW I took OLD BOOT's of my MOTHER'S back to LL BEAN! That which then clued me onto the fact that MY MOTHER told MY SISTER CRAP about ME which she then TOLD HIM?! TOO FUCKING WEIRD! TOOOOOOOOOO WEEIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRD! And MY WHOLE FAMILY was THERE! AND I didn't see ANY of them but ONCE A DAMN YEAR! I never EVER went to a T.G. Dinner after my AWFUL Mother DIED AGAIN!

[@Charlie23007]

Your video’s have been so unbelievably valuable to me! I am learning so much and many questions I had have been answered. Thank-you so much for giving of your time to make these amazing, extremely informative video’s! 😊

[@freeandfabulous4310]

Great information! Clarity!

[@stormcrowe9820]

Thanks Jay. Another very helpful video.

[@marthamoreno1539]

Great video! Thank you so much!

[@thesehandsart]

Thanks Jay, you always nail it❤

[@lisaperez8276]

I wonder who started the whole “elbows on the table is a mortal sin” thing…got chewed out for that so many times lol…as an adult, I appreciate good table manners for sure but I’m not sure that I even notice the elbow thing…pretty sure 0% of my friends yell at their kids over stuff like that…grateful things seem to be changing

[@FlatStella1]

Yea,my topic..

[@bderoulede]

Greatly helpful as usual, thank you. If I may just point out that the sound on this one is not the best. Not sure why but you sound more distant and hollowed than usual.

[@viktoriam8331]

The worst with my narcissistic mother is her lies she lied about her age l though that she was five year younger in 40 years and she said that l had a baby brother who died when he was three years old. And when l confronted her she gets so angry its terrible. I have no contact now.

[@dominique7269]

I appreciate what you do a lot❤

[@CurtisMoe]

Excellent video Jay!

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

Glad you think so!

[@XOChristianaNicole]

It took my autistic-a** 33 years to realize the look on my mother’s face, each and every single time I upset her - was that of disgust and contempt. I had never felt disgust, towards a person, prior to last year - when both my changing to a mostly animal/fruit-based diet (especially, cutting out corn products) and began the emotional ups and downs, of perimenopause. There were many things I had never emotional felt, prior (though, had cognitive inclinations, if that even makes sense). I couldn’t even tell you what being, truly, angry or sad felt like - only frustration and rage (probably why I loved mosh pits, in my youth - and have an obsessive affinity, for heavy metal music. I find it hilarious thanks to be over exposure to barium contrast from CT scans - I contracted heavy metal toxicity, as a disease. Ooooh, the IRONy. Get it? Iron? Lol). Even now, I have only ever felt disgust towards my mother. And it is very fleeting. As many of my emotions are. I do not think my shallow ability to feel certain emotions are entirely from being forced to not feel anything, due to the abuse in my upbringing - I think it’s, potentially, due to brain damage from falling down a flight of concrete stairs, at the age of 3; where the ER docs said one of the main places I had head trauma was my forehead/frontal lobe area, as well as the lower back of head (no scans were or have ever been done. I would like to have some done, however; as I am so very curious). I can tell the difference between what I am not familiar with feeling and what I do not allow myself to feel. Though, also.. I have the ability to turn off my empathy, when I find it appropriate. Kinda like a dimmer switch. In fact, that’s my greatest struggle.. When is it appropriate to show empathy and when can I turn it off. Cause I can find showing empathy to others, for extended periods, exhausting, at times (sometimes, it makes me have an internal desire to slam my head against a wall. Literally. Something I have been known to do, during autistic meltdowns). Though, how to show what I call “affective empathy” is necessary for me to maintain healthy, long-term relationships, I have come to learn. So, empathy is important (obviously) - even if it’s only cognitive. It still matters to others, to receive it. I can feel a bit of emotional empathy, now, however - since changing my diet and perimenopause; as well as drawing on how I wish people would have treated me, during what I have l survived. And it’s very nice to be able to utilize my own experience, and be valuable to those whom may be going through their own crisis (I am grateful what I went through, especially being autistic/ADHD allowed me to better work with my grandmother with Alzheimer’s - as there is quite a correlation, between the three, in many behaviors). It’s nice to be valuable. I’ve read that the ability to turn on/off One’s empathy, at will, is a sign of One being on the (informal) psychopathic spectrum - and since reading about the existence of pro-social psychopaths (neuroscientist and pro-social psychopath, himself, Jim Fallon).. It would make a lot of sense, in my instance. I think, if this is the case, not being able to access certain emotions has saved me, in many ways. Meaning, I don’t feel devastated in what I have lived through and survived. In fact, I find it all incredibly fascinating. Though, I think not being able to recognize certain facial expressions and emotions behind such, has hindered relationships, in general, also. Because then I have not always understood what type of empathy or emotion is important for me to show, in the moment, in order to best get through it. And when I didn’t understand, I would just go to a happy/cheerful state. Which, can send the wrong message, to people - like, I do not care. Which, isn’t true. It’s the emotions that go with carting are very fleeting - and to maintain ‘em takes quite a bit of effort. It has shown a bit difficult, in the past, for me to stay focused/present, in those type of dynamics, in many relationships. And it makes getting professional help and understanding even more difficult. Which, is why I don’t receive any professional help, currently. As the professionals I have dealt with REALLY, REALLY make me want to slam my head into a wall - many times. Not to trauma dump, in my multiple comments, on this one video, doc. Though, your video got my brain churnin’, first thing in the AM. And being I am living in a space, currently, separate from my mother - it’s nice to get some prompts that allow for some processing time. Thanks for the opportunity, doc. I really appreciate it. I pray to find a professional with the demeanor and understanding that you have presented, in your videos. I look forward to reading your book, once I am in a space that allows for long-term solitude and processing. Thank you, again, for your work. Warmest regards and best wishes. 🤍

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Dear Christina Nicole. I hope you see my response. I can’t make a person’s name come up in @ name in blue type unless I am the first person to respond. If you know how - please tell me - I have asked before. Your post is excellent. So you have referenced your 33 year old autistic a**, so firstly I want to say please look after your 33 year old autistic head. I get the desire to bang it off the wall. Already your poor head has been put through so much from an early age with that horrible fall down the stairs and seriously neglectful early life. What you described about understanding your grandmother with Alzheimer’s is lovely. This shows your true nature. Also as a person with autism and a trauma history, it is very important that you do your best to protect yourself. That is how I view your reflection on empathy, the conversation on psychopaths and empathy. It is very different for a person with autism and trauma. I hear you describe a way trying to make sense of how you think and feel by examining this in a logical and sequential type of way. This is like autistic brain processing. There are good videos on KZbin on neurodiversity and a woman called Agony Autie or something like that. She has autism and presents really good videos. She is very animated in her descriptions. I hope this helps. And I wish you well in life. I know exactly what you mean about eventually realising the expression on your mother’s face was contempt. Ok

[@cynthiameyers7529]

Hi Jay, the volume on this video is too low. Could you please fix it and reupload? Thanks/

[@taniabluebell3099]

Congrats on almost 20k in subscribers. Please look into a stand alone microphone. It will improve the audio.

[@Sereneis]

Father bipolar narc, mother narc, little broter narc; im bipolar escapegoat...genes?

[@lorab1912]

Larry was.... Lora didn't make the cut. 1984. 2004 12th & Bellevue Way

[@everyonehasincommon1216]

I have a question: why do I sometimes feel that my mom was a narcissist, and sometimes I feel that she was just fine, and all the negative thoughts and feelings I had since early childhood like loneliness, feeling like a failure, feeling outside of society - had nothing to do with my parents. Sometimes I feel so guilty watching Jay, that I stop right away! What's going on??

[@juliabegins8312]

I’ve struggled in my work environments As deaths and my sisters suicide and our crumbling healthcare system Needing add meds and having depression I’m struggling

[@mac-ju5ot]

When I said iwas human they called me a narc and crazy .I'll ever trust anyone again.going off meds timed of the medical lies

[@julianal.573]

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💐

[@skyedreams28]

Love your wisdom you help me heal. 🫶🏻🦋🪷

[@CanadianBear47]

i have a question about homeschooling and isolation. so i was home schooled until grade 10. my mom has like 5 degrees tho unless i let her hold court if i bock and or push against starting from the begining of learning cus i had a question. she would go into a mode of like i am impossible to work with and a difficult kid. i was wondering if narcissistic parents keep their kids in the home to prevent other perspectives and so they have total control and no one from outside seeing whats going on? many abusive parents home school their children. why? also i like the hot potato analogy, as in i cannot give the hot potato to anyone else its like i am forced to carry it. even tho its not all my hot potato. also at no point do they say ohh yes i am isolating u. its like the genocide thing well we didnt technically say we are doing a genocide so nothing to see here. why are they never excited for u? why do some scapegoat children search of this info and others feel like they are engulfed into the system. like i say my brother and my self. he gets more involved in the family and i move away in a subtle and subliminal way.