When scapegoats escape inward to survive narcissistic abuse

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

Hi everyone, Have you noticed this escape inward in your own process of recovery from narcissistic abuse? Any examples are welcome.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

I had an inner 'critical parent voice' if that's what you mean. I talked to myself all the time, almost immediately once I was not around other people, and incessantly until I was in the presence of other people again. After a particularly traumatizing incident, I dissociated often, was spacey, compulsively compliant, developed a phobia of dying suddenly, and also this weird fear that I would 'accidentally' engage in adult relations without realizing it (I guess that's a fear that I would 'blank out' while on a date then later realize that I unconsciously agreed to sex??). The other thing I did was lash out at authority figures or against people who tried to assert authority over me. I was convinced that I was incapable of making decisions for myself, so let other people make them for me. I literally dated people because of what my friends and family told me (think: "Ella Enchanted"), and got married--twice!--to men I had desperately wanted to break up with...but was too timid and passive to follow through with. I had a real issue with breaking up with people. I didn't feel like I was allowed to make that decision, unless the other person murdered puppies in front of me while sleeping with all my friends or something. This meant I stayed in relationships that (1) I never really wanted in the first place and (2) tended to be exploitative, and (3) that I should have gotten out of months or years earlier, had I trusted my own ability to decide.

[@qrisstrongmountain780]

@@Hawaiiansky11 I also was thinking of "Ella Enchanted" when thinking about this topic. Parents want dolls, not children. You're not allowed to speak, to have an opinion, or to make choices, because that would interfere with what the parents want. My first foray into good decision-making was making a list of the pros & cons of how to resolve a situation. Watching one side stack up really helped me see what was good or bad & how to decide what to do. At least if you keep your phone locked, you can use it for lists, journaling, or anything else you need. Be blessed & don't give up, you are NOT alone!!! ;-)

[@veronicafadel8693]

I remember things that made me happy during my life before. Also imagine being with my kids and grandchildren, cooking etc. which I can’t do currently. Isolated.

[@moirabijker]

@@Hawaiiansky11 , I totally relate to finding myself in so many relationships I never wanted in the first place. And then I look back and think "why was I even with this guy?". For now I am staying single until I know I can make a true, authentic choice from what I want and need.

[@Not-the-usual-BS]

😢😢😢yes…. My entire life

[@nancybartley4610]

When you are made the bad guy and no one is open-minded enough to accept the possibility that the entire family is ill, there is no choice but to go inward.

[@dominique7269]

This

[@bunnyboo6295]

Many schoolteachers are like that there is always an ugly kid label the problem of everything. Been on both sides' teacher favorite and the don't sit with the odd-looking kid. always made me wonder in beginning of school year is there a special seat to sit in or dress a certain way to avoid being that kid. I know the trick is to blend not stand out but when you got unique features being one of a kind you tend to become a target.

[@robertafierro5592]

You can leave and start to get HEALTHY!

[@diatribe5]

When it comes to appearance, people are so shallow. It’s too much to never get any peace at home, but this just compounds the struggle. Even positive attention received, IME, has usually been only because they liked what I was wearing. I’m an adult, no longer stuck with toxic people, but when I went for a walk in the park one day, these middle school girls playing volleyball treated me like a celebrity just because of how I dressed. I don’t know if they’d like who I am as a person or not, but I have no business hanging out with minors anyway.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Very true.

[@realhealing7802]

I lived in my own dream world to escape my toxic family. As long as I was alone, I was safe.

[@warrenbradford2597]

That is how I always survived being my toxic family myself. I lived in my dream world long before I knew I was in a toxic family at all. Even though I was indoctrinated to fear being alone, I still managed to find time to be by myself. I still need to escape the house of nonsense I was unfortunately born into, however. I must fail to assimilate to their nonsense.

[@kimvannote5024]

Exactly

[@mixolydian9102]

Yep, 100%, it really does make you very introverted.

[@Yung_Pirlo]

Books saved me and made me outgrow the family emotionally and intellectually. Knowledge really is power

[@kimvannote5024]

@@Yung_Pirlo Yes, "We die from lack of knowledge"

[@kingbee9778]

When you're hurt, you either want no one to feel the way you have (scapegoat), or you want everyone to feel the way you have (narc).

[@veebliss1266]

So true !!! 😢

[@ravenraven966]

King bee,,, wow... So much truth in a nutshell... Thank you

[@HomeFromFarAway]

Wow, This is going in my book of quotes. Thank you

[@karishort1891]

Spot on 💯

[@teresadvorak6145]

Oh yeah

[@tea-chip-cookies]

The worse kind of people are the ones who lazliy choose to turn a blind eye infront of you, whilst the narcissist is attacking you or gaslighting you. You realise after many years, that their pointless actions played a role in your ongoing trauma. They contributed to you not having a safe place to stand or sit in atleast.

[@deathuponusalll]

Sometimes they’re not lazy as was the case with my enabling mother. They sometimes have their own issues and trauma that they have to sort of escape their own reality out of fear of the same abuse being directed toward them. If I’m not mistaken Jay here also made a video on that about enabler parents also being scapegoated. I understand where you’re coming from and I’ve felt that pain myself but not everyone who turned a blind eye was “lazy” or careless but I do share the sentiment with you that they should have protected us and they failed miserably 😔

[@Fefe559]

I agree. but that feeling always kept me stuck in fight mode my whole life. going after bullies and becoming crazier and crazier. the bully the victim the bystander. My rage made me bully the bullies. I got myself in a lot of trouble. Now I work HARD on my fight part. ( I hate bullies but I have a part that is a little pshyco and literally has NO FEAR) no fear. I am amazed I was never murdered tbh. I have had grown men, huge men, put knives in my face. I still could not stop. once a gun pointed at me, my ex husbands apartment. (not my ex, he was the love of my life) a man out of jail and I would not stop. (I was defending my ex who was deathly ill) I can not believe I have been so lucky. I dont know why, something was broken in my head. I flip out and hate bullies so much. its literally crazy. So not everyone says nothing. I have put myself in harms way so much. AND so did myhusband. he was a defender. like I never saw. the best fighter in the world. but only in defense of someone else. He died from addiction. He was so brave. but he was wounded in childhood. like many heros.

[@bannockbum9540]

I'm sorry for you loss- thanks for sharing your story🧡🪶

[@Jammer-fb2co]

As a child I reached inward to find solace and comfort. My mother bragged that she could put me in a corner and I could entertain myself for hours. My childhood memories are filled with loneliness. My only outward source of comfort was my dog. Oh how I wished my dog could talk to me. To be the friend and support I desperately needed.

[@universaltruth2025]

Yes - our stupid parents. My mother would often exclaim, she would look around the house and she, my father, my brother and I would all be in our seperate rooms doing our own thing instead of being together as a family. She’d say this with seeming surprise and satisfaction. The truth was SHE was the one that was never around - either physically or emotionally. Her favourite place to run away to was the garden but she had no end of busy pursuits. Truth was she couldn’t stand being around us, my father couldn’t either, my brother picked up on their traits and I was just damn lonely. I think she used this ‘evidence’ of our apparent satisfaction with being alone as a way to alleviate her own conscience for continually abandoning us.

[@ashreactive]

wow same. my dad and mom both say the same thing and they divorced when i was 3

[@marysullivan3881]

I know it's overdue but we can support eachother now.

[@Fefe559]

awwwww I get you. Huuuuggs!!

[@JaffaCakes-c7d]

You're lucky that you had a pet. My mother would threaten to hurt our hamster and throw it in the bin. I wanted a cat but knew that it may not be happy in our home. My household memories are filled with loneliness too.

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

I read a lot as a child. It helped me to relax a little. The good thing is that I acquired a very good vocabulary!

[@sr2291]

Yes me too. And NYT crossword puzzles.

[@lovelv1278]

Ditto!!!!!!!

[@erinm3567]

Same! I would even read while walking home from school lol. Now I can see why I was doing that, other than a general interest in books.

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

Love it🎉

[@patferry4128]

The over- educated narcissists would leave me alone if I was reading. 👍

[@lovefaith6285]

As a child I played in my dollhouse for hours, imagining my own life as an adult. I would also color in my coloring books until it was all elaborately colored with shading and shadows under the trees and animals. As I got older I just stayed in my room and listened to music and escaped in the world of art, drew pictures, my hands, my face, still life. I imagined my life as an artist and traveling the world. I wasn't allowed to have friends over or hang out with anyone that didn't have the same religious beliefs as my parents. One day my mom came into my room and asked what I wanted to do after I graduated. I told her I wanted to get a masters in art and be a museum curator. She angrily said, "If you become an artist you'll just end up being a bum like your brothers!!" I calmly replied, "Well I guess I'll be a bum." Although I acted as if her comment didn't bother me, at that moment she crushed what little confidence I had left. I HATED my childhood and vowed to never get married or have kids because I saw it as a way I would be tied down. Now I'm 50 and have no regrets of never marrying or having children. I became a graphic artist because I didn't believe I was good enough to pursue fine arts. That mean crushing comment she hurled at me that day as I was laying down drawing in my sketch book stayed in the back of my mind and I could hear her yelling it at me whenever I attempted something. I absolutely hated graphic arts and left the profession after 8 years. I've worked as a photographer, book binder, cake decorator and then as a healthy eating specialist. I'm learning how to sew and I wonder what my life would have been like had I pursued my dream. My mom and I never had a good relationship and still don't to this day. I've distanced myself from her and my siblings and I now understand why people will leave their family and never contact them again. ✌💜

[@emilyluckey2329]

I was always in my own world. Teachers at school would notice this and one even said I was “spacey”. I would daydream and zone out a lot to escape from the external world. I also made and still make interactions with my mother short. (I still live with her because I’m a senior in high school) I always wondered why it was so hard for me to be assertive and now I finally understand. This video healed me a lot.

[@yamlwoz]

@Emily I'm incredibly sorry that you endured a mother like this, but your post brightened my day to know that one so young can see the truth about their parent. And limiting your time with her is fantastic, well done! I'm 66 years old and still stuck with my mother in my life. We live really close to each other. I finally realised that if I only ever see her when I have someone else with me, she can't be as abusive because her life's purpose is to look angelic in public. I was in my late 50s by the time I realised that. So my joy for you is that you've realised this already in your life. I suspect you will reach for freedom as soon as you can. One survivor who will fly free with full knowledge of where the blame lies. Bravo. Be proud and I wish you true freedom and happiness as you move forward in life 💕

[@gobigirl1]

Emily, I'm amazed that you have already reached so much clarity already!! It is painful to face the severe limitations of what is possible with narcissistic family members, but I hope you meet or already have some kind sane friends who can be your honorary family. Once you meet people who are kind in private as well as in public, who are not punitive during disagreements, and with whom it is safe to be authentic and vulnerable, it is a whole other world!

[@gobigirl1]

@May Ebony Your solution to the problem is genius--bringing someone along with you to keep the narcissist on their best behavior :)

[@yamlwoz]

@@gobigirl1 thank you. She still slips in a few things that she sensitised me to over the years, but is only capable of a tiny proportion of how she used to treat me. It works 😁😁

[@kayb6803]

Omg! I so relate to you! I was exactly the same when I was in high school. And I'm just now understanding why too! I'm in my 50s! You are so blessed to have the internets to help you heal. I had to find what resources I could at the time and there was very little about narcissism at the time. I was 37 before I had even heard the word applied to my mother. It was a social worker who said, "Your mom sounds like a narcissist." And that's when my real healing began. If I could give you any piece of advice, please don't think once you leave your family's home after you graduate that this gets any better? It actually gets much, much worse. Because now they see you as a potential meal ticket that they plan to extract every bit of payment from because you owe them! Your future spouse will be their resource. Your children become new puppets for them to commandeer. Get away as far as you can both emotionally, financially and physically, if possible. Curate your own life in wisdom. Find "safe enough" people like Jay says who will give you good advice and proper guidance. They are out there. And please know for every positive step you make; they will dislike you all the more for it. So be it. There irritation is just par for the course. Keep making your way forward with very little (or better) no contact with them. They are sick. They know it and now you know it too. Act accordingly.

[@beatrizvignoli4053]

I had created a complete world populated with humanised cats, mice and dogs. It was a triangular island in the middle of the ocean and it was divided into three different lands, one for each species, so that they would not wage war at one another, which was certain to happen if they got mixed. Besides two narcissistic parents who bullied both me and my grandmother, I was heavily bullied at school, so my universal early experience of relationships was one of hostility. Inside my island, instead, all interactions were civilized and even courteous. They had rituals and dances to celebrate their diverse origins: the dogs were French, one cat was Greek and another was Italian. I used my toys to impersonate them and invented different voices for them. (We live in a region populated by European immigrants). I played totally alone. My therapists were fascinated with this elaborate fantasy and viewed it as a sign of high intelligence. I even drew a map for them. To my mother it was sheer insanity. Now I see why: it protected me from her.

[@Daysleeper1000]

That's an amazing fantastic story! It's always so relieving and refreshing to hear my fellow scapegoats and their survival tactics. We are considered the crazy ones. Nope. We knew how to escape.

[@cynthiae6230]

Thanks for sharing this! You remind me of one of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis! I hope you will share your inner world with children through writing, art, or storytelling in some way. Blessings to you and yours!

[@HomeFromFarAway]

This would probably make an extremely helpful and enjoyable children's book. Like a covert way of telling kids who are in this situation that they are not alone and they can create magic islands too. And that the pain is not forever, they can eventually leave

[@BecauseYoureBlessed]

Never heard another voice this. Me too. If we were riding in a car I'd imagine I'm outside the car running next to it racing it and smiling back at me and laughing so I was distracted at the acknowledgement of being ignored , that's so sad. Wow , never realized that sending love to everyone here your worth it and never a bother ❤️

[@ZFern9390]

Yepper

[@stanleydrive740]

Dear Jay, I too escaped inward to survive. As a kid, I put off all my cherished interests for a place called Someday. Which never came. As a grown-up, I don't feel it's okay for me to live, only for everyone else--- as my mom taught. Appreciate your videos do much.

[@Maria7Maria]

I really resonate with your comment. I have done this too, and I’m nearly 30 now. I live alone, don’t have a great career and can’t really form friends or have relationships, mainly because I still have no idea who I am. Reading your comment made me realise I too put off or even hide my own interests, because I was criticised in childhood. I hope you are well

[@JSP-cg9dt]

Can I ask about the feeling like it's not okay for you to live? I often feel the same way and I'm so curious as to where that stems from...how is it related to being a scapegoat, I wonder?

[@arthurh5707]

I am in my 70's and I realized that I put everyone else's well being before my own. Mine wasn't narcissistic abuse, but family conflict. As a child, I learned that by being quiet and unseen, I didn't contribute to the conflict. But that same trait of putting others' needs before my own, left me vulnerable to marrying a narcissist woman. Her needs always came first because she was "special." And our children suffered because of her narcissistic abuse -which is why I watch these very helpful videos.

[@cynthiae6230]

@@arthurh5707 ; I'm 70 as well, and still healing. I've made a few friends who are virtuous and trustworthy. This is very healing for me. I hope for the best for you 🙏💝

[@cynthiae6230]

@@arthurh5707 ; I'm 70 as well, and still healing. I've made a few friends who are virtuous and trustworthy. This is very healing for me. I hope for the best for you 🙏💝

[@angelwild5665]

I stopped interacting with my mother as she was treating me like a scapegoat and I chose to step away. As a result, my entire family has no contact with me (for over 3 yrs now). I feel lonely but at least I am not being abused.

[@xys007]

If you won't bow down and kiss Narcissist's ring, they will turn everyone against you. They are not worth to reach out ... just flying monkeys ...

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

I understand

[@BecauseYoureBlessed]

Hugs sent your way ❤️ it's hard but unwrapping the beautiful gift of yourself is worth it.

[@user-kl8lo6rj5i]

Yes, very true for me. I'm in my late 60s, have always been very withdrawn. When I was young, I was described as "spaced out." People see me as an easy target for bullying to this day. Once in a while I do lose my temper and surprise someone, then people think I am unhinged. It's okay if they leave me alone after that. I am happiest when I can lose myself writing or reading.

[@gratefultobehere]

All the energy that goes into so much thinking and processing to create sense of safety…exhausting it is.

[@areuarealman7269]

If maybe both parents and society were honest with child development we wouldn't have so many so called personality disorders ?huh duh .Genie out the bottle and genx is raising losers we all gonna die .

[@jacquismith3277]

Exhausting and terrifying. What if I'm doing it wrong?

[@qrisstrongmountain780]

Once I learned to read in first grade, my route of escapism was set. I am equivalent to a speed reader, but now I've taught myself to slow down and appreciate it more. TV, movies, and music also became my channels for escaping the reality I couldn't handle at home. I gravitated to happy family stories in books, TV shows, & movies. I couldn't see the neglect or emotional & physical abuse as wrong because my parents seemed unable to do wrong & I was so dependent upon them. Escapism was my survival mode. The drawback was when I finally moved out at 20, I had so much freedom, I had multiple identity crises. I had no idea who I was because my parents would never let me be myself or make choices. I'm still working on it, but at least I've got control over my life & decisions now.

[@speciabilitator]

Interesting that you mentioned this - when I moved out just a week shy of turning 20, I also had multiple identity crises and was incredibly confused... got myself into a lot of trouble for a while... it's a work in progress, but good for you for staying the course!

[@z1z2z3z]

Learning "grounding" techniques have really helped me. Also, research "system feelings." You can learn how to decipher feelings that are taught vs how you really feel.❤

[@Lil-Lotus111]

Yes, I relate to this from a very young age. Beginning around 3, I remember completely zoning out while drawing and coloring for hours on end. Art was and still is my escape and safe haven.

[@dancingnature]

Mine too

[@Natasha_Nisha]

Colouring, drawing and art was my escape too🙂

[@HomeFromFarAway]

I turned this into a fullblown career! lol!

[@IMHip2]

I would physically withdraw, shutdown. My narcissistic mother even commented on how she would watch me do it when she was yelling at me.

[@lolo9553ify]

Keep a secret spot / Where fear and doubt are not / Within your heart for dreams to go / So someday they may thrive and grow ... That's what I wrote in my high school yearbook. That's how I lived my life being the scapegoat in my family - I escaped into a personal fantasy world to live my dreams, pretty lonely and even dangerous at times. My high school friend asked me 'why not live your dreams now' and I couldn't answer her. I didn't understand it myself. I believed all the bad things they said and did were because I was a defective and extremely objectionable person. I had to leave those who refused to stop scapegoating and am living some of my dreams for real. Thanks for your insights.

[@cynthiae6230]

I love your poetry! Please continue your creative endeavors! I believe that God gives us these hopes and dreams to guide us. Blessings to you and yours 🙏💝🌼.

[@carolynkepler2826]

You are describing my life from a very early age. Since my narcissist died, I’ve slowly been making friends for the first time in my life. I still go into my fantasy world and would like to be able to trust people(especially men) more. I like my fantasy men who love and admire me. In the real world, those men do not exist.

[@lennie1703]

I remember when I was expecting my first baby being too tongue-tied and really shy to ask anything. People were being really nice to me but I had never been taught to ask for anything or been allowed to have a voice. It was so isolating and left me completely ignorant. I was desperate to ask, but couldn't.

[@bonniewinfield3148]

Whenever my mother ‘returned,’ she would either rage at me or physically hurt me. When I was 5, I had German measles so bad, they were actually in my eyes, and the doctor assumed I would soon be blind. My fever was raging. Somehow I made it down the short hallway to the bathroom, but felt faint on the way back to my bed. I tore off my nightgown and lay down on the wooden floor, where the cold wood felt so good. I had almost fallen asleep when I suddenly realized that if Mom returned and saw me there, she might beat me again. So I shimmied down the hall on the floor and somehow got back into bed. I was terrified most of my childhood. When I could read proficiently, I studied the edge of the universe, ever-expanding, getting farther and farther from my mother. This video is so condensed that I will have to listen, stop, listen, stop, countless times. You, sir, are a God-send. Yet another Thank You.

[@annastone5624]

This is exactly my experience. The crippling. And a big consequence in later life is that bullies know that we are wounded - so they attack us and actually avoid others. So we receive far more attacks than the average person! Which makes it even harder to recover as we have so so much secondary trauma.,

[@JaffaCakes-c7d]

This is me everywhere I go. 😢 Especially workplaces

[@annastone5624]

💖😢💖

[@UserGirly-c7c]

@@JaffaCakes-c7dsame😢

[@nyxcole9879]

Yep, this was me. I escaped into writing-not so far that I never protested, because I definitely did, but I used my writing to create that healthier version of fictionalized parents and used that to justify how my parents were right and I was the problem. The 'me' characters in the story were always the troublemaker, though that's the farthest thing from me. Writing also snapped me out of it so, double edged sword 🙂

[@bc3863]

Same here . Writing is my escape

[@SA-px3ln]

How did writting help? What did u write? I’m going through trauma bond with depression anxiety nothing seems to help besides hearing forgive them go back them accept them just don’t get weak triggers heal..

[@nyxcole9879]

@@SA-px3ln This is a great question. To be honest when I was going through heavy trauma bond cycles after cutting ties i couldn't write. For me it got dark and also kept perpetuating that forgiveness thing in different ways forcing myseld to write after. Writing helped wake me up, but coming to compassion with myself about everything including my desire to forgive them, not shaming myself for feeling that is the only thing that started helping me get past it. It's tough, I feel you, stay strong 🙏 I

[@HomeFromFarAway]

@@nyxcole9879 Interesting! I'm a painter and sculptor so this parallels a lot of my creative practice. The last few years were awful (for family and pandemic reasons) and I essentially couldn't work at all. I did a LOT of journaling and writing though.. Going NC has let me start working full time again. I wonder if painting/music/ceramics might be a good outlet when you can't write? Just a thought

[@nyxcole9879]

@@HomeFromFarAway You might absolutely be right, I used to draw and paint in my teens, got pretty good at it. And the other day I got so stressed out about writing. Its been a year and some and I am having trouble making progress. I will let go and try the art thing for a while 🙂 Thank you ❤

[@dark7angel456]

The self crippling makes so much sense now. I think abused pets feel the same! I felt no connection to anyone in the world. I felt these feelings alot, turning inward. This all makes sense to me.

[@serenaatallah641]

Thank you for covering this topic. I have a vivid memory of my turtle-shelling moment in high school where I could feel my real self go into hiding, I was 15. I then lived as a shell of who I was. I was totally numb and living in a daze. Dissociation was a daily thing for me to survive. When I finally moved out of home, I had so much freedom to do what I wanted, but I felt lost, foundationless as you called it. I had to figure out how to live day to day by myself in the present and it was incredibly hard, but I'm extremely thankful for it. Being an adult on my own is miles and miles better than being a child in my family home.

[@fancynancylucille]

Yes. I discovered Jung in early life and decided that I was and am an introvert. But the habit, in childhood, of turning inward to my fantasy life became an inability to focus on the outward reality to the extent that is necessary for healthy living. I am in my 60's and this is still a problem. I am very much afraid of people. I believe that I am definitely seen as weak and unable to stand up for myself, but I am also the person who is going to tolerate a lot of interpersonal discomfort only until the breaking point. Then I explode. I used to cry. At some point I became the person who wanted to have everything out in the open. The offending parties always play dumb. Then I am seen as the crazy person. I get blamed a lot at jobs for things that other people did wrong. The outside world is a threat. I want to bring my inner world out and connect to the outside world, i.e. get a masters degree. But my inability to navigate socially prevents that from ever happening. I am getting more and more isolated.

[@dominique7269]

You have every right to take up space in this world. Just like everyone else.

[@nancybartley4610]

I am like that too (if I'm understanding your comment correctly). I take a lot of abuse and have had a hard time recognizing it. Seem to freeze and decide it is better to ignore it because maybe I'm imagining it. Others observe it and ask me why. But things build up and up and then I explode. Not sure where this comes from, but an emotionally absent mother might be a reason.

[@Aquamarinegreen]

@@nancybartley4610 Hang in there 💪🏻🙏🏻🔥🌹

[@nancybartley4610]

@@Aquamarinegreen Thanks, Isabelle. Did it resonate with you?

[@Aquamarinegreen]

@@nancybartley4610 yes and it’s very confusing. Feel like I’m always on delay-the last to catch on. Triggers all my old shame.

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

Masking as an adult due to traumatic experience, conflict resolution was not taught when I was young not at home or at school. Scapegoat survivors tend to defend others but are not assertive for their selves, fear of conflict. Thank you Dr Jay for sharing this great content.

[@lisawanderess]

I “self crippled” myself so literally with so much suppressed anger that I developed autoimmune Rheumatoid Arthritis 😢 I now live as a nomadic recluse.

[@splendoroftheland]

I DID THIS TODAY! I stood up gracefully and assertively to a close “friend” who has dominated our dynamic with anger and petty games for more than a decade. I was only able to do this because of what I have learned from your videos. Thank you so much Jay. I’m so proud of my self and this video makes it into somewhat a celebration. It was worth everything incl the anger he tried to push back with. I’m never again holding space for such behavior. I feel like an absolute savage!!! 😱 I’m so happy I want to cry 🤍 and I’m so thankful for you and your work. Bless you and merry Christmas from Denmark with warmth and gratitude

[@lydiarosebrita4901]

Oh my god well done!! I did this recently, someone was bullying me and I called it out and they put the blame on me and I told them they needed to take responsibility for their own actions. It's like discovering a new power. Well done you! ❤️❤️❤️

[@splendoroftheland]

@@lydiarosebrita4901 Thats exactly what it is. A new power. Well done you too!! And thank you for your supportive message - I celebrate with you

[@splendoroftheland]

@whatnextincomo Exactly, the problem is theirs and they deserve that we allow them to grow by not taking the pain onto ourselves. Well done you too!!! I know how much it takes, and Im telling you that once this power has been activated within us, it becomes WAY easier to protect our boundaries next time, that has been my experience. And the initial feeling of being a savage transmutes into a feeling integrity and that we can trust ourselves, and it just grow for every part of ourselves that we take back. Theres so much to celebrate - And Im so happy to celebrate this specific victory with you.

[@macunz111]

First of all, my gratitude for your wisdom and support. I am 60 years old and continually recognizing the traumas from childhood and dealing with family, friends and even employees who are dysfunctional. I am isolated over Xmas, because I have been the family scapegoat. Not in a victim sense, but noticing by discernment. This is painful. I have lived a fantasy, and realizing this has caused extreme growing pains. I am trying to heal timelines, including one of my children and some grandchildren. I had to disengage from a almost all family, because I realized I was doing everything for everyone. When I started standing up for myself, it got worse. Thank you sir. You have no idea how much you have helped me 👏. Many blessings to you. You have helped heal me. I am an Indigenous grandmother and 3rd generation veteran. So much good you are sending out in the world.

[@graceb3934]

I can relate, and I am so sorry this has been your experience also 😥 I ended up having to cut pretty much everyone from my life a few years ago, when I realised I was being abused by almost everyone I was close to...even those who were not overtly (to me, not necessarily tp others) abusive were enablers and so had to be cut out also...its been such a difficult journey, and I still can't trust anyone who I try to make a friendship with. But remaining in that false sense of security with people who were just using and abusing me was worse.

[@dnk4559]

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I’ve had to take a big step back from my family of origin. My first Christmas living 20 min from siblings and not seeing them at holidays. Standing up for myself and trying to get them to see that all I want is to be treated with dignity and respect and to have a mutually reciprocal relationship. This just escalated the abuse. It’s been very painful but the more I am clear about the scapegoating I have received in my family of origin the more I am healing.

[@karishort1891]

I am isolated during the holidays too and it's hard explaining why to other people. It's so sad.

[@Hislittlelamb]

You have described me to a T. I don’t speak up for myself, when I do it seems every time it gets turned around on me and I’m the ‘bad guy’ for saying something so I don’t. I just avoid interacting with the person(s). I look back on my life and the outrageously horrible things that were said and done to me by family, significant others, coworkers and acquaintances scapegoating me. My motto has been "Ships don’t sink because of the water around them. Ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.” Ships also sink because of Mutiny, forcing crew to walk the plank and I’m the one that’s usually chosen. Example: During the heat of summer my dept. at work got hot inside from people coming and going from the exit which opened into our area sending blasts of hot air into the room. One day I had an intern sit with me to learn what we do. She was heavy set and when she sat down I adjusted the fan on my desk so it would cool her, but it also pointed in the direction of a coworker (KH) sitting about 12’ away. Soon he started complaining of “smells”, first it was after she & I were showing each other pictures of our cats he claimed he smelled ‘cat piss’. Then later he & my other coworker (PS) started talking about using the deodorizing spritzer in the men’s bathroom to freshen up then said, “I wonder if they have them in the women’s bathroom?” alluding to us having an odor problem (which we didn’t). Actually it was entirely directed at the intern because of her weight, they love showing off their anti-PC behavior knowing their jobs are quite secure. The following morning I brought in my own spritzer and half-jokingly told my manager (NC) about the incident with my coworkers’ sensitive noses saying, “I understand, as men get older their testosterone drops and they respond like pregnant women becoming hyper-sensitive to smell, but I doubt the intern saw it that way.” The following day the manager (NC) a middle-aged woman & herself a new hire announced they were looking to hire a 2nd person for my position and shift, KH responded, “Just make sure it’s a guy, women are too sensitive, emotional and difficult to work with” and the Manager, NC responded, “I agree. I would much rather manage a group of men than a group of women”. I couldn’t believe they were actually stating that in front of me. Were they not at all concerned about a gender discrimination lawsuit? They weren’t, because it was my word against theirs, they would stand together and as always I was again being scapegoated. I didn’t say a word, I just got up and walked out (I’ll bet they thought I was going to HR, which is what I should’ve done so at least there would be a record) I then started looking for another job. They hired 2 additional men then let me go a month or so later because they were now “overstaffed" (HA-HA this also always happens when I leave a job taking 2X the workers to replace me). They offered me about $2K to sign an NDA upon departure, which was insulting, but I didn’t let it show. I used cordial Feignish masking to appear as if I were totally compliant in order to get the manager to agree to a written letter of recommendation (big company with good reputation). By that time I had already interviewed for a better, 100% remote job and wasn’t at all interested in staying one more minute in their company. I would take the company’s reputation, the training & experience I received and the manager’s written letter of recommendation to catapult me further in my career and never look back, or sign an NDA with such an abusive employer.

[@lennie1703]

That's just bullying, childish and spiteful and a ridiculous attempt to make themselves feel big. But professionally it is DESTROYING, not just for the victims but for everyone concerned. I hope the HR department is on to this, that a toxic environment can't possibly equal a workforce achieving full potential.

[@marycrowley1442]

When I was 12 years old I discovered that I loved music. It was the late 60’s and I chose what artists appealed to me. I lived in a fantasy that I was an adult and was married to a famous rock star at the time. We had 3 children, 2 boys and 1 girl. I created their names, personalities, ages and appearances. We traveled around the world and lived in big estates all around the world. We were attractive and dressed in cool clothes. We were famous and the world admired us including my family. When I was 16 there was a TV show called “The Walton’s” about a loving family that struggled through the depression on their family mountain in their small, simple town. The people loved each other. I would fantasize that I was married to a fine, young, good looking preacher and we lived in the country in a big beautiful, bright country house. We had 10 children. Our home was open and welcomed all and was full of love and laughter. Today I try to imagine what the spirit, heavenly realm will be like.

[@aliendeathrocker]

Reading this was really touching. I'm so sorry for the difficult life you've had and I'm sending you hugs if you want or need them.

[@carospereman3537]

When scapegoats escape inward to survive... this video's content is totally 100 percent me. If I hadn't awakened, I would have no clue what this even meant. I was under a spell and unconscious for so long. People pleasing, putting others first, not having a voice, etc. What an unknown state to be in where "I" assess others and make decisions about whether I want to befriend them or not. This new experience is awkward but I am learning, being patient, and giving myself much compassion, which is something I've never had. I've been listening more and talking less; you sure can find out a lot about a person just by listening to what they say.

[@user-vt9kd4no8j]

Yes, I still retreat for my sanity.

[@donoharm510]

Me too. Vital for self preservation. I wish u well.

[@zeldafedak9428]

Yes, I am terribly too familiar with that 'grave offense' on my mothers face. As a young girl she informed me that she could 'outsulk the sphinx'......try getting blood out of a narcissic maternal stone, ......my dad nicknamed me 'The Hermit' at an early age, the only place I felt safe was alone in my bedroom with door locked.

[@HahaT634]

Sad.

[@KrystalKonnectSG]

Same here. 😢. Believe me , I know how that feels.

[@MajICReiki]

I wasn't allowed to ever lock my door. But spent majority of my time avoiding the parentals, and younger brother whonwas encouraged and rewarded for bullying.

[@mac-ju5ot]

I also retreat for me own sanity.Its been a tough go ...I'm just trying to stay sane . The fact is I never looked at my life as neglect .I was so involved in family I had to keep my head above water

[@eq2092]

My escape were fantasy and sci-fi novels. I was really into stories where the protagonist is an abused or neglected young adult that runs away and finds adventure, community and validation. I'm still healing but when i became of age I enlisted in the military. I still deal with boundry issues and attracting narcissist. However, when I do assert myself i make my presence know and I win.

[@ethomas1756]

I started going to 12 step meetings to find a new family. I went no contact two years ago. Am learning to live again, slowly coming out of isolation. I’m the only family member who sought recovery. They are in my rear view mirror. Buh bye 👋. See ya…wouldn’t wanna be ya 😂

[@dnk4559]

Same here. I’m so thankful for Al-Anon for helping me find people who want to live a better life!

[@rachelmaxwell5953]

Honestly, every video you put out Jay has a bombshell line for me and I have to press pause to allow it in. This time it was the shift from "am I acceptable to others?" to "who is acceptable to me?" (I may be paraphrasing). WOW! 'Am I acceptable to others?' has been my core position in relation to others, known and unknown all my life - I'm 51. I'll be starting your course in the new year, really looking forward to it! 🙂

[@carospereman3537]

@Rachel Maxwell I hit pause to allow his words in too. That shift from to others to me is incredible. A new way of thinking which is so different from my upbringing. It brings an empowerment of individuality which I've never experienced. Makes me feel young at 60 yrs old : D

[@mercedesvallar3384]

My inner child still daydreams about having another family growing up ❤

[@TaquitoFestival]

I could easily live at a monastery at this point.

[@JaffaCakes-c7d]

Me too.

[@Li8htHou5e]

Funny how relatable that is (maybe for a lot of us?)... I remember thinking this as a kid, only in hindsight to realize where that came from.

[@sonofhibbs4425]

Have you ever visited one?

[@dorrianstone7264]

☎ WOW! The thing about the phone really hit me. That was my childhood in a nutshell, Mom's all day long phonecalls were SACRED and under no circumstances could they be interupted. I broke my arm when I was 11 and I had to wait for my mom to finish her phonecall and then go grocery shopping before she decided to take me to the hospital, 2-3 hours. I'm adopted as well so being a scapegoat of a narscist has been doubly hard. Sometime I'm surprised Im still here - the psychiatrist used to say he worried that my mother was going to drive me to suicide. She used to sit me down and lecture me about what a bad son I was and demanded I tell her why I had depression. I didnt understand it was my folks all along cos they always told me I was defective somehow. Always said I needed psychiatrists to FIX me when they where the ones who truly required psychiatric help.

[@bunrisl]

I escaped into books...100% on about anger, or even setting boundaries.

[@caobranch]

Thank you for this healing channel. It is refreshing to have a compassionate professional objectively present actual psychological help. The vast majority of people on KZbin purporting to give advice to survivors of narcissistic abuse are not psychologists with no relevant education or expertise on the subject. They all copy each other and prey on those legitimately suffering from narc abuse. The only information they have (at most) is being abused by a narcissist. So, 97% of what victims/patients need to know to recover is unknown to these KZbinrs. Just being a fellow victim of narc abuse renders their advice more harmful than helpful in my opinion. I plan to bring as many of those misguided victims over to this channel as possible. I don't call them survivors because listening to those channels continues to damage them and they remain victims. They won't be survivors until they start listening here. I listened to this video 20 times. I had never heard any of the things stated here anywhere else (I can't afford professional therapy) For once I'm starting to feel like a survivor - everything deeply resonated with me. Thank you so so much Dr. Reid!

[@moirabijker]

I agree wholeheartedly. Dr. Reid most certainly for me as well offers insight and wisdom that I can actually use to understand myself better. I am now able to remember the three pillars he always refers to and it keeps me going strong. I also recommend Jay Reid to everyone I know who suffered or are still suffering at the hands of Narcissists. His videos are excellent and I am surprised he doesn't have thousands of followers yet.

[@caobranch]

@@moirabijker yes! I've been putting comments in a few of the unqualified (in my opinion) channels. Almost all just use the buzz slang words for types of abuse without giving any solutions. And we were /are suffering and need real help. Dr. Reid's office is actually down the street from me a few blocks away! Wish I could afford him 🥺

[@firehorse9996]

What I appreciate most about Dr. Reid is his understanding of the NPD parent-child relationship. It's really frustrating for me to see "Narc" channels about an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend and to read the comments of "victims" talking about how damaged they are after 3 or 6 months' in relationship with this person. Nothing even comes close to being born to one and not knowing any other reality! At this point, I would just laugh at any abuse dished out by "Narc" neighbors, co-workers and other bystanders in my life, having survived my terribly abusive father with regular beatings for no reason at all silently witnessed by "colluding family members" (Especially my mother) and the self-doubt and shame they instilled in me that I was the bad one. Those days are over. Wishing you all the best.

[@kayb6803]

Not only is Jay Reid a licensed professional but he (as I believe has stated in other videos) is also a childhood narc survivor himself. So, he gives not only his professional view but relates it through his personal experience as well. He has a very unique and much appreciated perspective.

[@dominique7269]

He is a scapegoat surviver himself (narc family). I agree, he has done wonders for my healing too. Some channels are misleading yes, however for me hearing stories of others that have been trough parental narc abuse, even if it is to just vent about their experiences, have been extremely helpful on my healing journey. But I agree, most don’t offer real solutions.

[@Rose-gn1tt]

There is no sense to abuse. No support, no safe people found. Professionals are clueless and many are so blinded by their own perspective and prejudice. Others only see their job as a paycheck. My personal experience has convinced me that the abuser is smarter and more resourceful than professionals or systems that are set up to protect. The abuser is also more motivated to gaslight the clueless to keep their supply available and close at hand. Asserting yourself only makes you look crazy and/or the problem. I could fly to the moon and my family will still find me. Am I sounding negative? No, just dealing with reality and no amount of fancy words will change that.

[@alaysiakayebutler6299]

They say you're feeling sorry for yourself. Or, disgustedly say " get off your pity pot" or they'll shut you down, claiming with contempt, you are always "playing" victim.. when in reality, you have been handling the insults, the rejections, accepting ostracism alone. Things come to a head; emotional desperation, before getting angry. But there's not a problem besides YOU.. Processing the situation is impossible, there's no externalizing, you never get to finish expressing a single thought or feeling, so how the hell can a youngster be relieved of the burden of "FAULT"

[@michaelsager5688]

It's so frustrating how deeply ingrained the self gaslighting is within. I have known all my life my mother and the rest of the family was not well. Later as an adult I looked at narcissism and autism and none fit until I found sociopath. Sociopath fit like a glove! Now even with all the amazing videos, ACA and a true understanding that this was truly narcissism and the family dynamics set me up to be the scapegoat. I still have many head shaking moments while I listen. Was that really my childhood? Did that really happen to me? I get this knee jerk feeling I must be wrong or making it up! I know I am NOT but it's so challenging to make this as deeper reality then my identity as the always "getting and seeing wrong" scapegoat identity I have carried all my life.

[@dnk4559]

I can so relate!

[@nicoledrake2069]

It's incredible what you can go through and still doubt your reality

[@Aquamarinegreen]

Yes! Sociopathy being identified truly mattered to me in being able to understand. What occurred to me in your comment was how in spite of the trauma and suffering-all of it, is that we are blessed to have been born in a time where we can speak truthfully about ourselves and our reality. Without our perpetrators killing us off or banishing us from the tribe. That we can gather together and experience each other and our collective innocence and support each other as we continue the journey. My ancestors didn’t have this freedom. 💪🏻🔥🙏🏻

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

The narcissist wants you to doubt your reality, that is how he wins!

[@yanx007]

(5:55) "but when a child does not get this - as is the case of those born to a pathologically narcissistic parent - then s/he has to turn inward to find the connection they seek" - ah Jay. You did it again. I'm amazed. Thank you!

[@therealdeal3672]

My brain tries to escape inward when I'm watching your videos and thinking about my scapegoat role in my family. But I re-watch and make sure I get everything. You're always so spot-on. My alcoholic narcissistic father made my mom put me far far away from the outside guest house, where they slept, in a windowless room off the large ranch house kitchen, as an infant. My brother said that I cried all the time. He has said it multiple times to me and to his ex-wife who's my friend. He said he thought my mom was "taking a very hands-off approach." My mom had apologized to me and told me a couple times in my life how my dad made her do it and how she felt bad about it. I would say my escape inward must have started then. Still hasn't stopped. And it's not helpful to being as fully functional as I need to be. I've made it to 62 and I'd still rather be in my head than dealing with people.

[@SandraMurray-cd7tb]

What a good video and powerful. I used to draw and paint and get really absorbed in anything creative to escape when I was a child. My sisters and I were not encouraged to speak up for ourselves inside the family or outside. This, I believe, lead us to being soft targets for abusive people. However, not only will I speak up for the elderly and animals, who have no voice, but even though it will upset me more to do so, I will protect myself too. Thank you for sharing this video as it is very helpful.

[@mac-ju5ot]

U see the issues very clearly .I admire that

[@sage9836]

I relate.

[@SandraMurray-cd7tb]

@@mac-ju5ot Thank you for saying this, I really appreciate your kindness.

[@SandraMurray-cd7tb]

@@sage9836 I'm sorry that you have been through a lot, but it's great that we are healing.

[@warrenbradford2597]

I will be hard for us to do so, but will survive the domestic violence we are forced to endure. We need to speak up about it and report it more.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

In a world of selfies, thumbs up, getting noticed...then, being alone is not "cool". I learned to do things by myself, help others and be creative or keep busy independently. Today, I've reverted back to my aloneness after being the scapegoat, after my mom died...and, being okay even if not being popular.

[@Vickiluv]

There are so many key nuggets of wisdom in this analysis. it seems to give light to what may be going on in the minds of many seemingly socially maladjusted youth and adults. I was so fortunate to have an abundance of outside validation to counter the constant scapegoating and being labeled shy was a strategic way used to keep in that role. It worked most of my life until one day when I was in my late 30s, my grandmother kept repeating “I’m shy, I’m shy “constantly at a family dinner after I had told her about my accomplishments in college and a travel study to Belize. It felt sick and cruel that this was all she could say in response. I was so angry that I never attended another family dinner and realized that I wasn’t shy at all, I was being programmed the whole time!

[@firehorse9996]

Hello from another overachiever who was constantly told I was "worthless" and "when you grow up, you're gonna amount to nothin'" by a malignant NPD father. In trying to meet his impossible standards, I was a straight-A student and adored and doted upon by my teachers, my friends' parents and lots of other adults who gave me the foundation to finally break away from my family. We never had a comfort zone. It was never safe to be at home, it was always much safer to be out in the world, which explains my life. Why I moved to San Francisco and then took a job in Paris, France and have stayed here for 20 years. People outside the family ALWAYS treat me much better. The cognitive dissonance of walking down the street and being greeted, "Bonjour Madame" by everyone while my family snubs me at Christmas is beyond belief. Not to make this too long, but once you start to learn about Narcissists' pathological envy, you may begin to understand why they hate you so much. You shine so much brighter than anyone in your family ever will!💫

[@HahaT634]

@@firehorse9996 This right here! Your experience and those of many scapegoats myself included, goes to show that we bend as a result of trauma but they break. We bend towards light and success while they stew in the venom they created. I am in Europe too training to be a doctor, in my 30s. I was expected to be the family punching bag and rescuer , allowing my siblings to step all over me as a spring board. No contact and living in a different continent has been life changing. Richard Grannon once made a comment that the deeper the trauma, the farther from home we go… he means physical distance.

[@juneelle370]

De-fanging by training... rage in response to valid, healthy anger... Healthy anger is necessary for the energy of self-protection that requires sustained action. All good things are found within love and that includes healthy anger!

[@stacykelly7651]

Thank you for another helpful video. I escaped into reading and being with my dog. If I hadn't had a dog, I don't know how I would have survived. I've also become aware since watching these videos that setting boundaries has been extremely difficult for me my entire life. I am struggling with the process of setting boundaries, but still trying very hard to do so.

[@yamlwoz]

@Stacey, your story could be mine. I lived inside books as much as I possibly could, totally unaware of why until I was in my early 20s. The love of a dog is one of the biggest blessings on this earth for those of us who were raised without love. All I ever received from my mother was constant spite, meanwhile blaming my father for everything. And I believed her. I grew up with my mouth firmly shut because I was too thoroughly programmed to take anything others inflicted on me. At age 66 I've just, for the first time, pointed out to mother a couple of her recent behaviours where she stomped all over my boundaries to get her needs met. It's the most amazing thing I've ever done! She's still in shock and carefully (well, OTT honestly) watching her step with me. She's trying to convince my husband I need psychological help, but that's just more for me to laugh about. I finally have some power in the relationship and it feels amazing. I hope you can get there very soon as well ❤️

[@ad.b9724]

Likewise.. the family dog meant I could find some external love and probably kept me sane. have loved all dogs ever since.. they are angels.. . ❤

[@ruthhamilton4882]

My dog, and somehow I managed to get a pony. Horses have defined my life for 50 yrs now.

[@happysingle6240]

I wondered why even as a child I was happiest alone, my mother was a text book narcissist. A cruel person , With virtually zero friends except my dad. She analyzed and made fun of almost everybody. I was at the top of her list. I grew sick of her telling me '' Shut up, you don't know anything, you're just a G** D**"* kid. My cousin told me once years ago when her mother passed that one day you won't miss that treatment one bit, she was extraordinarily correct. But I have to say, as her only living child , I did everything possibly for both parents before they died, even when my own children said they wouldn't have done anything for them....

[@name5876]

I know that place very well, I'm a native habitant. Pretty cool place tbh. It's kind of funny that the outside world thinks you're doing nothing but you're actually living your life at the only place you're allowed to do that... It was always a challange for me to be engaged in doing anything alone because the inner realm sucked me in right away, so I always needed other people's presence to get myself concentrate on anything. I was of course called lazy, giving up everything, having a bad work ethic, blablabla. It never occured to them they were the problem. But what if you can't find those people who are willing to do that collaborative addressing but only people who are avoiding it at any cost? How do you find those people, how do you identify those qualities that tell you who you are safe with? What kind of mentality or logic is that anyway that you need to find out what they have on their minds otherwise you're not approved?

[@handmaiden4jesus733]

I wasn't the scape goat my older sister was the one trying to oppose my father. I saw his opposition and realised the only way to protect myself was to not disagree with my dad. At 12 I learnt it was best to just not say anything and hide my problems, they named me the quiet achieve but i was dieing on the inside. I hide bulimia from my family all the way to adulthood. Hated myself. And what was worse no one noticed. I become a master at not showing weakness.

[@freeandfabulous4310]

I cut and run , avoid intimate relationships, have limited expression of feelings and am very hurt when others ignore or invalidate my needs.

[@dancingnature]

Both parents were narcissistic. I read a lot to escape. I also spent a lot of time zoning out to music which was a problem with my mother because she’d scream like a banshee if I spent a few cents buying a 45. I learned to hide them in the record pile and not leave them on top and not play them when she was home. Me drawing was also a problem with her because she’d destroy my work if she knew I cared about it. I had to pretend I didn’t care about work I cared deeply about . Toss it in the closet and let it get damaged from the stuff in the closet . She was abusive about clothes , about friends, about going through puberty. I did stop drawing for a while but I started dancing and that’s when my father became more restrictive on top of his virulent misogyny. I felt like I was growing up in a Saudi Arabian type hellhole because I wasn’t allowed to do anything. Mother would pretend I was incompetent and father would just forbid everything. I couldn’t even run track in elementary school . Neither were fundies and my father was an atheist, which while looking back I’m still surprised at because I to put up with the same abusive misogynistic restrictions and conventions

[@dancingnature]

My escape was the arts which is why my parents went overboard with the cruelty about them. I did the kowtow to controlling men to as a young woman. That stopped when I got that list of abusive behaviors from a domestic violence place and realized that the “good parent” was just as abusive as the bad parent. One was violent and emotionally abusive, the other was “just” emotionally abusive

[@dawnspallinger6991]

I ended up starting to have petite mal seizures. From it. The stress of it. Was so glad to get out of that house.

[@therealspixycat]

Hi Jay, do you recognise the shutdown and not knowing what causes the shutdown as being a coping mechanism of narcissistic survival?

[@firehorse9996]

Until Jay answers, I'm gonna try: There's more than fight or flight. There's also the freeze and fawn response, which is the subject of Pete Walker's book "Complex PTSD - From Surviving to Thriving." While I always identified as a fighter, now I know I first have the freeze response that started when I was a child to survive my malignant NPD father's horrible beatings and rage attacks. Scapegoat here. The rest of the family just watched... Freeze and Fawn are go-to responses for defenceless children. Trying to stand up for ourselves would only make the abuse and beatings worse.

[@amandatarkington6877]

I "escaped" by having 70 pen pals. I got more Christmas cards than my parents...LOL!

[@aliendeathrocker]

😂 I love that for you. 👏 I had pen pals too. That was such a wonderful way to escape, wasn't it?

[@alekari08]

Since I discovered I was a scapegoat in my family of origin I realized I needed to teach myself how to treat myself and how to live. It's been so difficult cause that made me feel so insecure, so lost. I spent many years just trying to recover psychologically and neglecting many things in my life. Later on I met many narcissistic people who made things worse.

[@AriseandShineSleepers]

12 step group Adult Children god bless you.

[@Aquamarinegreen]

Wow, incredibly insightful and it tells me how fundamentally healthy the “scapegoat” is. And how creative that we go inside and (perhaps neurotically) create our own narrative and world where we don’t fracture into DID. I’m wondering if we go inward to find safety and sanity would that be seen externally as dissociation? Really great stuff, thank you so much.

[@MajICReiki]

Either DID or Borderline personality disorder or completely compartmentalized- split personality.

[@rascallyrabbit]

I am learning to act in ways that are in my best interest without harming others. I can see how my family rarely did anything in my best interest. my best interest was non existent. I had no idea I deserved a best interest .now, I do. Jay is an exceptional human being.

[@thecringeistoostrong]

I was narcs abused at 6 yo and i remembe that my narc parents always didnt care about me and nobody liked me neither and they also disliked me and likes my other siblings more and today it has become worse im still surviving the narc abuse at work and family i have gotten ulcers and suicidal tendencies and depression and never got fun in my life or friends and this is just a rant that came in my head

[@irenahabe2855]

🤗

[@8bitgamerC64]

It's funny because as a kid i withdrew into chess heavily. It was a very logical and beautiful game with strict rules (of behaviour?) as opposed to my family who were disorganised, chaotic and generally horrible.

[@Joshdifferent]

Did this for years ! Now I’m woke 👀. And no contact. And working on myself

[@Jane-bd3kn]

Whenever I have 'stood up for myself' or communicated how their actions have hurt me, I'm called selfish, shamed and gaslighted. A phrase I never want to hear again is "well, how do you think that makes me feel?"... I'm giving your feelings as much value and attention as you have ever given mine.

[@valenciadale3506]

The living area inside my head is the safest part of my life. I’m able to make friends and be myself around everyone there, mostly celebrities and other safe-feeling people.

[@izawaniek2568]

I also lived in my inner world to escape the reality of the abusive home. I Used to be an avid reader. I helped me at that time a lot. Thank you Jay.

[@dark7angel456]

As an adult, I still feel like if I say my mind about something that matters, noone sees it or they sluff it off or get mad at it. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells and have to be really quiet since they are SO fragile. As an adult, I get picked on by alot of narcissistic people, I hate people and feel like noone is good anymore. Too many narcs out there. Builds self hatred. 😔 Always alone and shunned, gave up on meeting good people. Lots of mental and anger issues.

[@moirabijker]

What a wonderful insightful and tremendously helpful video. You are truly worth your weight in gold for lack of a better metaphor. I most definitely from a very young age created another inside world. When I left home at age 18 I started using drugs and alcohol to escape what I experienced then as a dangerous and volatile reality. I struggled so much and would over many years frequently return to my parents' house perhaps still hoping to find people there who would love me. I now know they were completely incapable of providing this. I started attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings at the age of 30 (I am now 51). This was the first time in my life I felt I could trust people and started opening up about my childhood. I still attend 12 step meetings and I know the people here are mostly loving and kind and safe to connect with. I do relate as well to the idea that others may in fact see me as assertive and I recognise this in myself much more often...and the feelings of being "wrong" ( when I know I am right) are becoming less. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your shared wisdom and positive attitude that we can heal from our traumatic experiences. You are a beacon of light. May you have a happy and peaceful festive season.

[@irenahabe2855]

Yes to everything u wrote. Been there done that. 🤗

[@forensicbadassprofiling]

Yes Dr Jay. I escaped into philosophy books, esoteric knowledge, and writing poetry. That seemed to create opportunity to be even more of a target. Now I'm assertive. I stand up for myself. But society? Dr Jay.... Most times it ain't worth it. Especially online. Group think is a dangerous thing to face when you're still the truth speaker around contemptuous liars n deny-ers.

[@stanleydrive740]

Very Dear Jay, I did escape inward! You rescue my lost, invalidated inner child. I wish I could hit the "Like" button a thousand times. I thank you from my deepest heart. 🧡🧡🧡🧡

[@sk.n.9302]

Jay, great insight. This is exactly what happened to me! By nature, I'm social, but the narc abuse & scapegoating made me create an inward world.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Dear Dr Jay and all here. It’s Christmas morning, Greenwich Mean Time - 8am. Peace and Health to you all. 💚

[@lorrainenicoletti6232]

Thank you thank you thank you !!!!!! You know me You know my family. This is every word spoken Exactly happening exact Thankyou Im not invisible anymore im not crazy

[@ZFern9390]

I was having migraines and bad headaches growing up but the worst the abuse ggot i began faking having a bad headache because my narcissist mom seemed to ignore me more if i was a bit incapacitated if i may. I lay and not move for hours pretending i had abd headaches . I didn't sleep well at nights because i waa so stressed out i guess and id sleep at strange times especially when i actually really had migraines. It became a mechanism to survive. I was stuck living with my bully and my abuser growing up. Crazy to comprehend children live that way.

[@203blessings]

I recently had an interesting experience where I became stressed out about a situation that in fact was me imagining the worst. Not too long after that I had an interaction with someone that said I was stressing them out, it was about a different situation. And another person telling me about being stressed out by someone else. It was incredible how it played out because I was able to see the stress and the stressor as two different things. It showed me I can change my reaction to being stressed. By seeing my stress level or confusion as separate from the stressor felt like I reclaimed a bit of myself

[@diatribe5]

Very, very insightful. I find all of your videos useful and validating, but this is one of my favorites. I remember that from the time I was about 7-9 years old, I began the habit of daydreaming, and talking to myself. I do it to this day, and just accept that it’s what I do. I try to whisper when talking to myself, lest I discover that I wasn’t alone, to save embarrassment.

[@lucycp2881]

I was a big day dreamer. I was always into my music; playing piano, listening and dancing to music as a child. I have learnt how to be comfortable with my own company which I think is a good thing. I have an enabler father with a vulnerable NPD mother. As a child, I always felt sorry for my father being shouted at on a constant basis. My mother was also an alcoholic. Having to be so tuned into the mood of my mother and father. Trying to keep them both happy (try prevent or stop the mothers anger) and trying to find a way to comfort my father who was always in trouble resulted in me developing an avoidant attachment style.

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

Narcissist abuse has lifelong effects on the Targets but the online content found here can allow any scapegoat survivor to navigate through the trauma and in the road to wellness and happiness, I appreciate this video, it offers ecouragement Dr Jay. 🎉

[@EarInn]

Thank you so much for expressing this. Yes, you're never a narcissistic parent's priority. It doesn't occur to them that you need them or that they are responsible for you. The ways they show this aren't seen by others, and you accept the situation as normal. The child struggles to create a relationship with the parent, who doesn't respond, except with fault-finding, criticism, and explosive anger.

[@raven4090]

I had a fantasy that I was adopted and my real parents were trying to find me... I'm not good at knowing who isn't safe. I tend to trust people I shouldn't. Probably because of my ASD, so I'm reclusive. It's safer.

[@dominicegilbert33]

This is where you ask is it developmental trauma, C- PTSD or high functioning autism. The overlap is so great it is hard to distinguish and there is not a direct answer. They all alter your brain in the same way. This guy is amazing and is very direct and informative without the drama. Wish you all the best on your healing journey.

[@anntrope491]

♡ ☆ ♡ Great lessons for our healing journey ...thank you ! I escaped through books, t.v., daydreaming, being in the woods, animal furends., drawing, music...whatever it took to seperate from my toxic family ! Still a loner at 63...solitude, not loneliness. I AM A CHILD OF THE UNIVERSE, NO LESS THAN THE TREES, & THE STARS. ..I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE. ...& YOU TOO...♡☆♡

[@sharonjones7138]

I’m living more externally now than I ever have. Dissociating has been an issue most of my childhood and adult life. As I understand more and more, everything under the umbrella of NPD and that I was the scapegoat, I begin to grow and thrive. I’ve started to groom the authentic me, trust people, make friends, have healthy friendships and it’s caused me to create new memories in my life. Setting boundaries is a biggie!! I see how healthy and necessary that is. Working with a professional who is encouraging me to self care more than anything else….i matter most!! Thanks for your work and video ❤️😍🩷.

[@stanleydrive740]

Thank you to everyone offering comments! I have learned all of us actually felt the same, & went thru the same inner thoughts! So thankful to know!!! 🧡🧡🧡

[@leocampa6230]

My childhood felt like Bobby's World because I'd go outside and play pretend. Sometimes the pretend would feel real. Big escape as well as Garfield in the comics page.

[@pryncecharming2133]

I am extremely creative. That is the one good thing that came out of this. I write (working on a novel) and draw extremely well. Movies and comic books were my escape vehicles during childhood. This hurt me too... I disassociate really easily. To this day it is difficult for me to stay focused on important conversations because my mind will drift into lala land.

[@mtc-j9i]

This is so true. I kind of reinvented my parents in my own mind by inflating their good qualities and/or attributing the ways they treated others as the way I experienced them too. And I totally still do this: cutting interactions with the outside world as short as I possibly can in order to retreat back into my internal world. I also still blame myself when I get mad at people - which allows them to grab onto that and blame me too. I got so good at all of this that I didn’t even realize who I was or who my family was. I didn’t realize I was being scapegoated or abused. It got so bad that I had to experience the complete and utter betrayal of my family helping my ex to destroy me during our divorce. That was the moment I realized: none of this is normal. I definitely feel comfortable standing up for others - I’m a union representative. I hate injustice and especially bullying. I live to empower people because I’ve experienced disempowerment my whole life.

[@newkyddd3]

Wow. This healed parts of myself that where dancing in the shadows. And also brought to aspect parts of myself that I have a hard time holding on to. I’m so happy I listened to this.

[@caitlinpeters6004]

Wow, this was so true for me. I would constantly read, write stories (one being about a kidnapper which my family found hilarious), sing inside my own head, wander in the backyard playing pretend by myself.

[@Materialworld4]

Dr. Reid, I am in my 70th year, and only now I am closing in on having the final of six Narcissists out of my life forever. Here I am at the age of 69, having survived 38 years of being "Garroted Mentally and Emotionally" by my father for 35 years, and shanked repeatedly by my ex-wife for 30 years. then to make things even worse I suffered a catastrophic concussion in October 1963 which left me with epically bad equilibrium for 37 years. Now the dizziness has been gone for 21 years, my father for 30, and my ex for almost years. So obviously in order to protect myself and my tw daughters I moved inward, through reading, the arts, and music, and developed a fine tuned sense of equanimity to give me moments of joy amidst the pain. Yes I survived, barely but two suicide attempts only begin to sketch the perimeter of my pain. But Dr. Reid, you helped me a great deal along the way,and now in my 70th yer I am free, powerfully creative, centered, and have a lot to be thankful for. You Sir are one in a million, there is not a person on this planet who helped me to truly understand what I survived being enmeshed with two Dark Tetrad Narcissists. So Jay, I wish you all the best, and all the joy that you seek my find you. !!!

[@aliendeathrocker]

Wow, you've come so far in your recovery, I'm so happy for you!

[@Streamsofwater67]

Yes, I sure recognise this in my childhood. As an adult, I had of course to face my own music/ come to terms with my childhood, but looking back I can say, this mecanism really ensured that I am now 'whole'.

[@kobra4422]

12:12 I love that part. I had people esp. teachers making me feel guilty for being quiet and reserved. I knew what they accused me of it's not the real me but I also didn't see a point of behaving the same way like others. I have no problem with standing up for others. But for myself it's a huge block. And I fear everybody sees me as someone to push over. Now I hear confirmation that it's not the real me. The explanation why I have aversion to conflict to keep the fragile inner balanced is great.

[@Heavenly_shiz]

It's why I started to paint. I love the world - how beautiful and calm nature and animals are. So I kept to myself and painted what I wanted to world to be through nature vs what I had to endure with humans in my real life ❤

[@Mysticus11]

So helpful and clarifying thanks Jay 💫

[@heiz5]

The only way to recover from narcissistic abuse as the scapegoat is to realize that there is nothing wrong with you, you just drew the short straw at birth and were born to a family with massive baggage: Your star shines too brightly and they must diminish it in order to feel good about themselves. Don't shut down, instead get away, get far, far away and stay away where you can let your light shine and be yourself with people who love and appreciate you for the beautiful spirit who you are. Peace.