Set These Boundaries & Stop People Pleasing | Stop feeling Overwhelmed & Unappreciated pt. 3

[@user-de9rx7om9v]

Yes, friends that cancel at the last minute, frequently, and only call when they are in crisis mode, needing waaaay tooooo much from me.... But complain when I show up 10 minutes late, while NEVER canceling! They expect me to drop everything, to be at their beck-and-call, then you wont hear from them for months. They get mad very easily, If I attempt to say no. They are easily triggered, and wont allow for disagreements. They use harsh toned, rude words, while I am using very considerate wording. The friendship is unbalanced; I'm dealing with emotionally immature friends. Sick of it, to the point, that I a seriously considering cutting the friendship off, for good; - - as they do not take "honest-talk" , well... especially when sharing, that their behavior is ruining our friendship. They love to FIGHT (harsh words, texts with 15 or more, exclamation marks) or FLEE (silent treatment)= immature. They do not do 👉mature, conflict-resolution.

[@cherrycain6425]

I had to cut ties with what I thought was a best friend of over 50 years about 2-3 months ago. My parents always told me she was trouble. It’s a long story but basically she wanted me to do something and I told her I was sick and I couldn’t. She had her husband to send me a message guilt ing me to do it. I said ok. But I still wasn’t feeling well. So I told her that I was sick and couldn’t. She wasn’t used to not getting her way with me. She started bringing up personal things from the past that happened to me or I did and threatening to tell my grown son if I didn’t tell him. I talked to a pastor and he told me to just cut ties with her. That she was toxic and I should have listened to my parents and other people that tried to warn me about her for years. I know things about her too but I wouldn’t go around telling people. Her whole family is full of drama. I feel so much better now that I stood up to her and said No and then stopped associating with her.

[@liljemark1]

Good for you for setting limits!

[@EmbraceTheStruggle24]

Wow. This is a great, yet deep and genuine share.

[@sarahcouture24]

What a manipulative B! So entitled! I hate when people think they have the right to control you and it upsets me greatly when these toxic ass people have the audacity to think they can punish you if you don't comply with their demands. I'm glad she is no longer in your life.

[@Job.Well.Done_01]

Priorities: 1. Maintaining MY sanity. 2. Sticking with people who rely on me everyday. 3. Not allowing the noisy world to create more noise in my mind. 4. Giving thanks frequently. 5. Trusting myself and trusting my decisions. 🔆

[@EmbraceTheStruggle24]

This is a fantastic list 😊

[@Job.Well.Done_01]

@@EmbraceTheStruggle24 thank you! I believe that it works for me each and everyday. -Best Wishes to you ♥️

[@EmbraceTheStruggle24]

@@Job.Well.Done_01 thanks 😄💯 you as well. Blessings 🙏

[@EmbraceTheStruggle24]

@@Job.Well.Done_01 ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@JNYC212]

Just in time to watch this... I am really trying to make these last 4 month of 2023 count, by setting Boundaries & using my time wisely 🙌🏽

[@janicetelfer6211]

My problem is I feel guilty and worry about what they think of me. I am ready to change. It's just been my life for so long. I heard what people think of me is none of my business. But I don't know how to stop thinking of it. I'm really working on it! Lol I just found out about boundaries and I'm 56. Thank you for your channel. It's been very helpful ❤

[@jmfs3497]

1. Physical Health 2. Mental Health 3. Financial Health 4. Growing as a person towards my own Sun. 5. Loved ones.

[@pialaulund8317]

Thank you for clearing that part about canceling last minute is a boundary violation. I've experienced this a lot, and it feels awfull, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Even a friend who said she would help me, but then, the day before, sat a strict time boundary, to push in more stuff. And It really felt like she didn't want to be there. And for me, I could not work the thing she was to help with in that time span. So we ended up canceling. It's already vulnare le for me to ask for help. I always did things myself, actually because I was used to my dad telling he would help me, but then never did. So I just startet fixing thing for my self. Or my stepmom, getting angry at me, because she wanted to rusk through things and my adhd brain got overloaded in the fast oaced process.

[@ElcsieRetakov]

The part that gives me a little emotional challenge is the personal interaction with terms of respect. I feel like I am often guilty of not knowing or understanding my time and energy boundaries. Living in survival mode; searching for strategies. I hope these concepts will become a priority and I can stop feeling frantic. I hate being the unreliable person because of my ADHD and learned coping skills.

[@ericsigler8457]

Thank you! Boundaries are critical!

[@antonboludo8886]

Indeed they are!

[@Job.Well.Done_01]

Agreed. Rock solid boundaries are vital.

[@Dezzyyx]

I've done the priority exercise myself sort of, some years ago I sat down and really asked myself and wrote down what is important to me in life, what is most vital, and since then it's cemented in my mind. I live and prioritize around those core values, which makes it easier to focus on the most important and drop the less important. It's an investment to a better life. As for my Top 5, some could be combined as a single priority like basic health needs. My priorities are; Sleep, food, physical exercise, mental health, recreation/rest, my interests that give me joy, besides that it's things I have to do like shopping, cleaning, vital appointments (fix the car, therapy etc). Everything else is not essential, even though socializing is important it is not a priority for me right now for the simple reason that there is no more room and other things (as listed above) come first, so that's the no space that I need. I've finally accepted that it's OK to not prioritize social things in my life at this time, my health, my own interests and must do's are already keeping me packed (without going overboard) and those are my priorities. I still socialize, I just don't prioritize it which as you said means put first, which means I do it only after I'm good with my top priorities and or if I decide it's OK. The social aspect of life is also where I find it the most difficult to set boundaries, so that's a factor. From a distance I can keep them, but the more involved I get with people the more my boundaries are likely to suffer, and right now that's a no-go. My own space is a boundary itself now, and I'm working through trauma as well so other people can wait.

[@peacefulwarrior7417]

Wow...ur comment is helpful for me. Thanks.

[@Debbie-e3g]

So needed this ... dealing with my 2nd round of burn out simply because I had a hard time saying "no". Crazy! ... I also wanted to say that often when I've thought I was mean, later on I went back and reviewed it and saw that I was actually very nice!

[@chooseaname1423]

I’m having an issue with someone who forces conversations that I’ve asked to stop. I do stop on my end, but then I get claims of giving silent treatment and he’s a victim and guilts the crap out of me and won’t address the issue that needed addressing because he makes the issue of “silent treatment” front and center. I know these are toxic behaviors and they are harming me emotionally. He is capable of change and has and shows remorse after and puts in the work, so it’s rare when it happens again, but I have less and less capacity because I was wounded from all the ones I endured before. I want him, but I don’t want to have to ever deal with this behavior ever again, so much so that I’m still taking space from this most recent time and can hardly bring myself to go back to finish it. I want this time to be the last so I need to make sure I am explicitly clear and assertive with the boundary so I know that next time, it’s his own fault and choice not because I set a sloppy boundary or wasn’t clear. I have to address the “silent treatment”…..I don’t believe it’s what I did because I declared I needed space and gave the reason …the only problem is because his crazy making behaviors scramble my brain so much, it’s takes me much longer to re-center myself and get clear about what I want and need and what to say about the original issue. So I told him that I wanted to be able to tell him a day when I would be back in touch, but I honestly cannot because I don’t know when I’ll be ready….i validated that it’s hard on him and I’m not proud of it but it’s just my reality and all I can give at the moment. I believe this is because he has been using some manipulation and defensive strategies in arguements that border on emotional abuse. I know he doesn’t intend to harm, it’s his pattern from his family and he is likely not even aware it’s abuse. He’s protecting himself and can’t see past that. I need to tell him the seriousness of it, but I know abuse is a trigger word. Do you have any advice on how to address those behaviors in language that won’t further trigger a person who already has a fragile ego? Also, can you please do a video on silent treatment and what it is and what it isn’t? Some people naturally need more space than others so when is it too much? Especially when you don’t know how much time you’ll need. Do you always have to pick a date of when you’ll be back in touch? I told him I would be expedient as possible so it wouldn’t be forever, and I’d be actively working on it as a priority because I know space and delaying resolve is painful. I’ve been having to binge videos on KZbin to even figure out the stuff about manipulation because I didn’t have words for what I was experiencing/feelings so I couldn’t address it or resolve it with him. This takes time. I didn’t want any contact or connection in the meantime because it distracts me from resolving it.

[@antonboludo8886]

This is actually quite liberating.

[@EmbraceTheStruggle24]

Agreed 💯

[@smalltv459]

Emotional boundaries are a great topic. I didn’t even think of that

[@EmbraceTheStruggle24]

Lol

[@liljemark1]

Soooo many good points, Julia! Thanks for this video ❤ 18:53 prime example of this "continuing discussion" boundary violation: late night discussion attempts by my partner when she is obviously anxious over something that does not have to be solved immediately. I'm becoming better at saying "you can keep talking but I will go to living room couch if I'm unable to sleep, or I will lock myself in the bathroom if you follow me to the couch and keep talking" 😅

[@ter17nicfab99]

I have to do this with my son sometimes...as he will go beyond my boundaries at time.

[@alaysiakayebutler6299]

This is a constructive and validating video! New sub. I dont need remedial explainations of the topic. Its the nitty gritty well known experiences already identified that need validation the most. So much plausible deniability goes into the manipulative tactics, its uncanny how cunning an otherwise emotionally unintelligent person can be.

[@MsGiesbrecht]

Hi, this is Peter Giesbrecht, I am new here first time listener. I love the video, i’m excited to listen to more of your videos. I just want to thank you for what you’re doing.

[@yessiree605]

Thank you Julia! My Mom & I love your videos and content. This right here is so crucial to have boundaries set in place. My boundaries got violated by a childhood friend and I was hurt yet again from her. Toxic person she is and I had to cut ties. Best thing to do.

[@anthonypearse1]

Hey there, I'm hoping to use CBT to reduce tinnitus, but learning to manage mine and my family's boundary's would be brilliant!! Looking forward to this!!

[@sunnydaye5942]

Just say "No, but thanks for asking." Simple.

[@evamussio7533]

This is amazing as for me prioritising something I love and that I honestly care about sometimes feels selfish to me, if I don't do something to please others 😮❤🎉

[@RAXSMusik]

Thank you for this video! This is great advice I’m taking to heart.

[@Dezzyyx]

This was a great video, the kind everyone should watch. Some requests from me would be videos on how to set boundaries with people or in environments where this is not accepted, encouraged, even taken as a bad thing to do. Also maybe more videos on Trauma and how to navigate life situations, people, yourself, so your typical videos just with the added context of Trauma.

[@Marekcatholic]

Im gonna try this priority thing. give it a go. Great video, Julia! thank you.

[@nomics88]

Haven't seen you post in a long time. It's great to see your doing great. Keep up the great work!!

[@Dezzyyx]

she posts every week

[@YanaDrazner]

Hi Amazing content! Will start applying now!

[@NFSMAN50]

This is wonderful and great Julia!! Happy Thursday friend❤❤!!

[@Whatworksthisworks]

Thank you!

[@sueschmitz5087]

this is amazing

[@patriciasantiago8357]

Gracias desde México. Thanks❤

[@helys7]

thank you

[@debrabowie5141]

Thank You once again.

[@markdavid1741]

Super Helpful ❤

[@sadiaarman363]

An excellent video ❤

[@iamfrickincool]

You are so incredible

[@nathanielmadrid-jw9zz]

From Denver, CO -Nathaniel

[@hollysmeadow2352]

My mom was like boundary your new word as she continues to think she doesnt have to respect mine.

[@SerenityMoon8]

I have requested the how to say no, three times and still have not received it.

[@aprilsochic]

I really would love the 25 ways to say no, I’m not getting the email

[@Dezzyyx]

same, tried for years it doesn't work

[@ParasRaj-vp1tw]

In India our time and energy are not actually ours ...we can't leave our old narcissistic parents alone...we have to live with them...or else we get consider as bad child.

[@liljemark1]

Very unfortunate if you need to live in a toxic environment. I hope you find time to take care of yourself.

[@yourfavegirl2345]

First comment. Yayy !😁

[@Dezzyyx]

cookie for you 🍪

[@EmbraceTheStruggle24]

Nice ; )

[@chrisdigitalartist]

Hi Julia Kristina, M.A. Psych, how are you feeling now? I have been saying prayers for you. I hope you are doing well. 🙏 I have my notes on the third KZbin video in the boundaries series. Set These Boundaries & Stop People Pleasing/Stop Feeling Overwhelmed & Unappreciated Part 3. For me, I think I really need to look deeply at what my priorities are, but I think in the meantime, I have a lot of extra time and energy to spend to help others if I can. I think what I am getting out of here the most is how I can be respectful of other people’s boundaries. I do think back and remember times that I wish I knew this stuff then...but no point of going backwards, I am learning, growing and healing now and so now I can look forward with this knowledge and do the best that I can. Here are my notes: *Your time and your energy are your resources. *You can decide how and where to use and spend them. “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” ― Prentis Hemphill KNOWING YOUR PRIORITIES: *Think of at least 5 top priorities and commit to doing 90% of those things listed. *"No, this isn't one of my priorities right now" *When we aren't living with boundaries for our priorities, we live right at our limits. *If something unexpecting happens, it can push us over our limits. THE "NO" SPACE: *Anything that is asked, requested or tempted to do that brings you into the "No Space" is a "no." *If you do not protect this "No Space" you will have "no" space. *Be intentional about that. YOU CAN SAY "YES" WITHIN LIMITS *Be careful of all-or-nothing thinking saying "yes" or "No" *It's okay to say yes to something but within parameters, limits and boundaries. *You are allowed to have limits within your yes. *"Yes, I am available to help you...AND...or BUT...etc..." *"This is what I can do, and this is what I can't do..." VIOLATIONS OF TIME AND ENERGY BOUNDARIES CAN LOOK LIKE: *You set a time limit for yourself, and someone tries to manipulate or force you into staying longer. *After already saying no to something, they keep trying to guilt you or push you into saying yes after clearing saying you couldn't, wouldn't or wanted to. *Being canceled at the last minute because the other person didn't manage their own time and energy boundaries and overbooked themselves. *We don't want to cancel at the last minute either. *Continuing the conversation after someone had said they do not want to continue the conversation. "I don't want to talk about this anymore" or " I am not comfortable talking about this."

[@fatimasamira3695]

""Yes" with parameters. That's it.

[@joshbanker8743]

That's a pretty lady.

[@lizanal1521]

Wow this video was phenomenal thank you

[@EmbraceTheStruggle24]

Definitely phenomenal for sure ^_^