Just See Where It Goes, They Said...#$h^TTherapistsSay

[@Aever1988]

I never thought about it taking 90 days for someone to show you who they are. That explains why lots of people never make it past 3 months of dating.

[@MendedLight]

Oh my gosh, SO true.

[@SotraEngine4]

I disagree with 90 days I think it is 6 months

[@Daph909]

Personally I always bring up kids on the first date. I don't want any, and I also don't want to waste time on someone who does, or waste their time when they could spend it finding someone who also wants kids. As for everything else, I just follow my feelings :)

[@marialovessurfing]

Same but in the opposite direction. I always wanted kids and of course in my early realtioships (16 - 20) That came up at some point during the relationship. But since I‘m a little bit older I am very clear about that from the beginning. I don‘t want to put time, love and energy in a relationship that leads nowhere and will potentially end in heartbreak. I am not the kind of person that enters a relationship thinking it‘s gonna end anyway. Also I have been with People from other countries than my own before. So the question if either would like to or be willing to move, came up very early, whilst getting to know each other. With a lot of other stuff I follow my feelings too. But the things that would definatly lead to the end of the relatonship have to be clear from the beginng. Sure things can change throughout time. I have never been on a date though! so I am not sure how I would handle that there.

[@typicallyteamtyler]

That actually sounds like a good idea

[@vegas_party_animal7737]

Same and I don’t understand how many people I have matched with on online dating sites with people that have kids. Just goes to show that it’s true that people don’t actually read the profiles 🤦🏻‍♂️

[@TheGreatWerebear]

Honestly in general I think it's fine to talk about what you want earlier on--just phrase it in more general terms. It's not 'what I want out of you, person I'm on a date with.' It's 'what I want out of love in general.' My husband and I knew going in that we wanted to get married--but that didn't mean we were talking about getting married to *each other* yet! It just meant that we had a trajectory we wanted for our own lives and that helped us decide if there was even any point to going on those first few dates. Side note: That kind of straightforward, respectful, open communication still serves us super well to this day!

[@tReadYT]

I don't think a handful of dates would be a waste of time, for either party. I can understand somebody with a really full schedule choosing to streamline for a dealbreaker, but it also has the potential to deprive them/us of some lovely moments, insights, and friendships. Not having the same goals doesn't equate for me with "not worth my time."

[@jonnaschomburg5931]

I love how Jonathan pick up so fast "oh you don´t want to talk about it in the video?" and showed, her being comfortable is more important to him than making the video. ❤

[@rileymarie1940]

I love how Jonathan thought Alicia was saying no when they were talking about a person coming on too strong and you could see he was fully prepared to respect that no. As a survivor of abuse, I find that seeing a healthy interaction like that so healing

[@TheLionEric]

Set Expectations Have firm boundaries 90 Days to get to know someone Physicality Leads to the release of bonding chemicals Express needs and Communicate Boundaries - Set ground rules. Big red flag if ignored.

[@marissabulso6439]

“And sometimes we’re Backstreet.” 😂🤣🤣🤣 Jono, you’re a treasure.

[@AryonaSamoto]

I'm so glad to hear this. It's fantastic to hear that there's nothing wrong with me to want to wait to discuss things or be intimate. Every past relationship I had I felt pressured and because of my childhood learned behaviors I put up with it. I'm unlearning those behaviors and setting more boundaries

[@molybdaenmornell123hopp5]

I think an elegant approach which you can throw in as early as you like is to talk about relationship issues in a general way, i.e. not, "Do you want kids?" "Oh! Er ...", but rather, "Did you hear about [famous person they're likely to know] having kids?" "Yeah, what about it?" "I was kind of surprised, I never thought they were the type." "You mean because they're so focussed on their own development?" "Pretty much. I didn't think they'd want to sacrifice that." So you get to talk about the relevant issues while keeping it light and impersonal. You can slip in your own views and feelings on the matter while maintaining deniability about a relationship. The other person won't be fooled but that's not the point. If they're mildly interested in you but want time and have sense, they won't call your bluff. They'll remember what you talked about and think about it later.

[@DecemberSfy]

Honestly, all romantic relationships I have start with long time friendships, so marriage and kids have usually already popped up. I think it's good to get it out of the way from the get go as to not waste anyone's time. Why waste someone's time and play around with feelings when you could end up not compatible? But I can get how it can be overwhelming if you're just meeting each other.

[@creelabellehoward]

Yeah you definitely get attached when you get physical, even if it's as simple as holding hands or putting your arm around each other. I recently friend zoned a guy, and it was so hard because I felt so emotionally attached to him. From now on, I want to be clear and firm about my boundaries and uphold them strictly. No excuses. No exceptions.

[@tulip5210]

I need to know how that went because I am in the exact same situation I am emotionally attached to him, but I am friend zoning him.

[@Nina-ur3ld]

@@tulip5210why are you guys friend-zoning them?

[@KxNOxUTA]

OK, you two, we gotta get this channel some more views so you can pay someone to watch the kids for a week and then you both gotta have an annual honeymoon full course 😂😉 I love you two! So adorable together. I really really really love when you bring in the science stuffs to this and what the body does about things. Because it's incredibly easy to forget how experiences shape us physically, chemically! That was super interesting!

[@MendedLight]

You are so sweet, thank you!

[@dizzytel]

Y'all are such a cute couple! Such good advice and chemistry 😊

[@MendedLight]

Thank you so much!!

[@TheBlkKat]

I remember learning about the 90 day rule many years ago during a seminar unfortunately it was many years and heartbreaks later that the person that taught it didn't explain that 90 days (give or take) was when you START to see someone for their true colors. Many of us walked out of that seminar thinking that the three month ball park was essentially when the whole mask comes down and boom we see all the lights. Growing up, my dad had explained that you don't know a person until you live with them and I'm now at the point I understand that it is the combination of the two that helps you learn who a person is and whether you and them are compatible.

[@purplemind93]

Interesting indeed. I wonder if this calculation is true too for those who meet online and starts a long distance relationship. Aka me. I met my ex date irl four times (each time for a couple of days) during those 90 days. The third time I lived where he lived. It sure lets you know some more how someone works in day to day life but I wasn’t discouraged when I left. If anything I liked to be with him in a natural place and not in hotel rooms. But I’m sure this type of living arrangement created some false sense of security and affection. Made me feel like I already knew him because we were comfortable with that but alas we didn’t last two months later. Its tricky to know which rules work in these relationships to make sure you have the best possible outcome. I was really hurt in the end and I think the way too soon closeness and the not knowing that it’s so important to talk about boundaries even when you’re scared of the future and you don’t know what to say, was the “culprit”. But these days I just tell myself he was too cold and wrong for me anyways xP

[@bluesira]

@@purplemind93 I've seen the same thing happen with online relationships, as well. Three months still seems to be the average for when things either peter out as we realize we're not really compatible, or move to the next phase of intimacy.

[@Ersa0431]

Wow. What a reasonable plan for college dating. I wish my parents had let me date prior to leaving home. I had exactly one boyfriend in high school and that relationship ended quickly because the only thing we were allowed to do was go on walks in the neighborhood with strict timeframes. So in college I had way too much freedom, too fast, with zero clues as to what dating even was much less the dangers. In hindsight, it's so unsurprising that the predators immediately labeled me as easy prey. Over sheltering your kids = letting them learn life lessons the hard way.

[@timofeybobakov3628]

Thanks for the amazing editing on these two lovely, wholesome people! it just tears me up what great work your whole team does

[@scroogejones6252]

Me during these past two years: "That's not true at all! I love getting physically involved super quickly and who are you to say I shouldn't have some fun?!" Me now: "...Okay, I think you have a point."🙃 Thanks for your content! Came here from Cinema Therapy and really love what you guys do!!

[@emiliemendoza9652]

I like the "casual" talk about goals in life. Right at the beginning. General goals like: where do you prefer to live, is sports important to you, what are your opinions on this and that... do you want children in your life, do you envision living in with someone or not? Doesn't mean it's going to be with me. But is What I hear is not in alignment with me, I will not waste my energy trying to make this work as a romantic relationship. At least, I'll have a little clue as to what to expect from this person.

[@jonathanellis5811]

Wait... so you said we shouldn't say things like "do you want kids?" On the first or second date... but why? So for example, I've never had the desire to have children. Having children is a dealbreaker for me, so if I sit down on the first date, and the girl across from me wants, I dunno, eight kids, then we *clearly* won't be a good fit for each other. By asking about that early on, you can better love and serve the other person by ensuring that you don't play with their heart. I think asking about kids (and other important deal-breakers) early on is respectful, not overly-intense or a giant a red flag. Your thoughts?

[@hleebeg]

I agree, I don't see the point of getting to know them if our main objectives and or core values are completely different. That's like driving down a street really fast knowing there's a brick wall at the end of it.

[@__-zb9vz]

I would even say it´s completely normal to talk about stuff like that on the first or second date. But maybe american dating is different. Here in Germany nobody has ever seen it as a dealbreaker if i come up with that topic really early. I just don´t want to waste someones time. There simply is no compromise with kids or marriage.

[@ritadnz]

I think there's a difference between making it clear what you want out of life and what kind of relationship you are looking for AND rushing into a relationship and giving it a name. For that second one, you need first get to know the person and see if they are a fit for you and wtv it is you're looking for.

[@ZombinaApocalypse]

I think it's only a giant red flag to people who are not on the same page as you. I think it won't scare off a potential match, but it will scare off people who aren't, and that's pretty helpful.

[@MagdalenaMantler]

As I never want to have kids I very soon put this in my info on the dating app - as this IS a big thing and needs to be spoken about. And it took away much pressure for both sides, as men then know what to expect and me too. I also think this should be an important info early on if you are looking for a real relationship, for sure.

[@staciethelinguist697]

Because I've made the choice to be childfree and have surgically made that permanent, I've had to have serious discussions early on especially if sex is involved. I have definitely been rejected because of my choice and I'm still learning how to navigate these conversations with new partners because it is so serious so early on. But I know that the right partner for me will take it in stride and understand that just because I've made that choice for myself that will have no bearing or expectations for our relationship.

[@rhettbaldwin8320]

"Just see where it goes...." would be good advice for someone that is overthinking things.

[@ehthecuteone]

I love that you emphasized the need for clear (and respectful) communication, and setting appropriate boundaries! Both are keys to happy lives and happy marriages. They’ve certainly made my relationship with my husband much stronger ❤️ I’m really happy you guys are positive role models for what a healthy relationship can look like

[@ShinishiR]

I‘m still laughing about the nsync/backstreet boys joke. That was glorious 😂😂😂

[@christinaschmidt3476]

This video literally made me cry, but in a good way. You two are incredible! Keep it up!

[@MendedLight]

Oh, that is so kind! We are grateful for your message and pleased that this video has helped you in this way.💛

[@Peppermon22]

I was with someone who kept pushing off the conversation. After 2 years on and off. He always pushed my boundary’s because he knew I wanted a relationship. He had some real fomo of finding the perfect woman.

[@Ilovesushi123456]

Can you do a video on emotional blackmail? It’s so confusing when you’re in it. HALP!

[@MendedLight]

I can! Any context to help me flesh it out? Email me at [e-mail]

[@SingingSealRiana]

the best relationship I ever came across was the result of a casual we just look where this goes but paired with very open communication. To high expectations o idears what something is supposed to be often lead to feeling like you can not say certain things, express unhappyness or have to put up with stuff, the very low expectations they had coupled with well their willingness to still put effort into it and mutual respect build something increadably solid and they are engaged now!

[@marissabulso6439]

Thank you for not making me feel crazy for not wanting to kiss someone on a first or second date. I’ve gotten weird looks from friends for expressing that position. It’s just nice to know I’m not alone in that particular boundary. And I gotta say…though I understand trying not to waste time, when people jump right in with the kids and future talk, I do sort of feel like I’m being interviewed for a position. Like the focus is on the position and not on me as an individual person. I guess dating can be seen as a sort of interview process…. Still. I prefer those conversations to happen after we’ve had at least a little bit of time to get acquainted.

[@KCDay-eu1iq]

My first worst date ever, he wanted to marry me before he even knew my name and he earned the nickname "octopus" because he would touch me all the time anywhere he could reach. one date was too much! Second worst date, he wasn't even into me, but he kissed me "because he thought that is what I wanted." punchline, he went to school to be a therapist.

[@twocents7509]

When you started the video saying that you think “let’s just see where it goes” is bad advice, I found it confusing at first. As you talked though, I realized you think of that phrase very differently than I do. To me that just means you don’t need to put a label on what you and your date are right away, and you can just get to know them and see if you like this person or not, or “see how it goes”. Basically, you give them a chance, and you don’t need to be in a rush (although you can still have your own guidelines and boundaries the whole time).

[@sad_doggo2504]

My relationships run the gamut from "this guy makes me feel mindblowingly good" to "I still don't feel like I know who the heck this guy is." In the latter case, it's well-acknowleged that that's the case and we are constantly having conversations about what our relationship is and means and what intimacy looks like for us and where those boundaries are. Actually, probably the most exciting thing in a relationship like that is just taking the time to learning about and understand one another. We feel pretty good when we finally "get it," haha. But I like having this type of relationship, even though we're not quite sure how to label it, because at the core of it we're on the same page about what we WANT from it, and those are definitely the important conversations you can never have too often.

[@CarringRelationships]

I won't spoil it, but one of Jonathan's jokes caught me off guard and cracked me up! I rarely laugh out loud and this joke caused one of those rare laughs.

[@LudmilaT.]

I think talking about long term goals should be number one thing to talk about on first date. If you're not on the same page, there is no point at all wasting time.

[@leben.lernen]

I like the energy between you two: lightness, eye level, respectful. Greetings from Germany

[@LamanKnight]

In response to those comments at the very end of the video: for the record, I've been spending a few minutes sewing up some lining in my suit coat and pants. So... yeah. While I continue, I suppose I really DO have a few minutes to watch another video, heh. Thank you for this video, by the way. It's been a very long time since I've needed to contemplate any of this stuff, but I'm glad I was reminded of it. On the far-fetched chance I meet anyone I actually want to date, it would be good to be prepared with these boundaries beforehand. Anyway. May your day be bright and shining.

[@celinameus4508]

you guys are my favorite internet couple!

[@jadehartleycreative]

I love the way you guys present such useful and interesting information but still have funny moments where your cool personalities shine through. :)

[@siristhesalamander4186]

You two were really fun to listen to today, thanks for making my day better! I also really love how you taked about personal experiences with developing early relationships. I have had a whopping two romantic relationships in my life and both were quite relevant here. My first relationship was way too fast and we had basically been together for the physical benefits, and I happened to be too young to realize that really isn't what I wanted. We had an interesting breakup, and it was definitely for the best. The second relationship I had didn't last nearly as long, but I was really enjoying being able to talk with her as a friend and not just as a source of physical affection. She eventually broke up with me because I was too needy for her. I think in reality it was a combination of clashing love languages and me actually being too clingy. Either way, I lack a lot of the restraint I need to have based on prior experiences. Because of that, I have been trying to focus on my mental health so that when I eventually get into a romantic relationship again, I will hopefully be able to develop something healthy that meets the emotional needs for the both of us.

[@tReadYT]

This is a good platform for combining serious advice with silly individuality. I giggled with tears at "Twenty Minutes Later." I appreciate the vulnerability from both of you (and Alan, too) as well as the playfulness of your production team.

[@thislifeinireland]

Absolutely love this conversation - but I’d love to hear about how you proceed in a situation where one person becomes too overwhelmed with emotion to communicate clearly. Be it sadness, anger, frustration, whatever. I see this all the time where the solution is to communicate your feelings and expectations clearly, but one or both parties get too overwhelmed to actually do that. And by the time they “cool off”, they’d rather squash it than talk about it and resolve it…

[@crazyratlady3115]

Just had a conversation about this with my husband. I'm autistic and sometimes get so overwhelmed with emotion to the point that I can't speak at all. He's a fixer, so he wants to troubleshoot, discuss and resolve things immediately while I usually need space to let the bees settle before I can figure out what was going on for me. But we both want to be able to communicate and share, so we've developed some workarounds. We use a colour-coding traffic-light system to indicate how much bandwidth we have for difficult conversations, and we also have a shared affirmations journal so we can maintain a line of affection even when it's difficult to express or receive. We also have regular protected time to bring up and resolve those little niggles to make sure nothing's getting rug-swept or squashed down. I get my space, and he can rest assured that he'll get his opportunity to problem-solve - if there's even a problem to solve - within the next couple of days at most.

[@DarklightNamari]

I have a similar issue when it comes to confrontation and getting my thoughts out for serious topics. I have not been diagnosed with anything as of yet, but I often get very tongue-tied and overwhelmed when I am confronted on serious things or if someone is upset with me and I will get so overwhelmed emotionally I often am unable to get my feelings out at all (which I have trouble with in the first place) or I end up crying from anxiety shooting through the roof and feeling backed into a corner. I feel like I panic sometimes internally and it's often a struggle to keep myself stable when dealing with confrontations, as I had to do a handful of times working retail at my old cashier job. I often try to make clear to potential interests that I need some patience to be able to feel comfortable enough to be able to talk about serious topics or problems so I don't get so tied up and severely overanxious. (I also plan to see a doctor about possible depression/anxiety problems as a large portion of my immediate and extended family are on medication for such issues).

[@aleyajulias6435]

I'm married, and ethically Non-monogomous. For myself and for my husband, when one of us dates someone else, setting and holding firm boundaries matter more than almost anything.

[@mschrisfrank2420]

Definitely a good video. I had two different boyfriends that when we had been together for months got mad when I wanted to chat about our attitudes regarding marriage, kids, money, religion, etc. Conversely, I’ve had matches on dating apps practically interrogate me before we’ve even met in person.

[@sophiebi5798]

That's why dating apps make me feel uncomfortable sometimes. I honestly don't understand how they expect me to know where things are heading from a few exchanges of texts.

[@zoe9190]

I will say this, there are some things that should be said early on which are heavy topics, things that will kill the relationship once known and cant be compromised, like if someone is childfree or wants kids, religion, marriage or ltr without marriage etc. Finding out ages down the road when your feelings for them are great makes leaving harder, and some saying they will compromise then regretting they went against their core values for themself.

[@ljmerritt7376]

Yeah, I had a fwb who dropped me like a hot coal & ghosted me for six months because they started seeing someone. When they got back in touch I was open about how their behaviour had hurt me. We were supposed to be friends. And I told them “next time, just tell me what’s going on, don’t just ghost me”. Six months later- ghosted again. I guess they started seeing someone new, but I wouldn’t know, because they dropped me without warning. Again. Would I still be interested in their benefits? Sure. IF they acted like an actual friend first. But would I trust them…?

[@cappygurl]

Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior and you have a ghoster on your hands. I have been the ghoster due to being triggered and having feelings for my fwb friend do when he would triggered I would ghost. I am healing trauma and stopped ghosting and instead ended as the friendship with an explanation. But once a ghoster always a ghoster if they are not going to therapy and working on themselves.

[@CanwegetSubscriberswithn-cu2it]

It's not a fwb if you're not friends. Its a booty-call.

[@CrystalBrightz]

Wow, did this ever come when I needed it.

[@britniwells7165]

I have a question. Im not capable of having children. I tend to have that conversation during the 1st date, 2nd at the latest. Sometimes I even have it before the first date when we are just talking. My ex-husband built up resentment over time because he dreamed of having kids. I found out after we married. I offered him an out and he said no. It took a few years for that resentment to build up. I don't want that to happen again. My question is, should I wait longer to have that conversation, or is having it almost immediately smart. I've had several leave immediately after that conversation because it was a deal breaker and neither of us wanted to develop feelings, just to go through that heartache later.

[@adarateranroldan]

You’re totally doing the right thing. Keep being upfront.

[@WillowOsbourne]

I would mention it as soon as the topic arrives. I found the advice to not mention the topic of children at all very weird. I am not in love with the idea of love if I am up front about a very important topic. I don't want to have children at all and tend to mention it as soon as I meet someone I find interesting, just to give them a heads up. I was in a relationship, where it turned out to be an issue and there was a lot of heartache on both sides involved, because he couldn't imagine a life without kids.

[@kesshami]

I agree with being upfront about it. I talked to my boyfriend about as soon as I had a way to leeway into it, which was about the third date. Turned out we were on the same page, which made me so happy cause I got his answer before telling him mine so I know he wasn’t just mirroring.

[@PhantomMonkey2008]

Depending on the amount of time in between dates, I would say 3rd or 4th date would be the time to discuss that. That way you can see if you even want to invest in this person and build a aquantaince or even friendship. I had a hysterectomy at 24 so I’m in the same boat.

[@potmki6601]

sounds like it works for you. and they have already said what they think about it and their reasoning behind it, idk if there is anything else. they surely won't say what you should do, because it's kind of unethical for a therapist. you are the only one to say what you should do

[@polarberri]

Incredibly helpful information! I wish all high schoolers could take a course about relationships. Thank you!

[@valerielinares2068]

I agree with knowing and setting boundaries that are healthy for you, but also be confident and secure enough to stand on your boundaries when people try to come and push them.

[@rorrt]

The coming on too strong, is one thing that I struggle with.. I think of it like poker, you don't go all in before the cards are on the table.. I need to learn to gradually opening up then BAM! I share all my worst memories.

[@marleyofficialmedia]

Great points.. And some good laughs. You two are sweet!! Thank you

[@susanmiller7472]

IF THEY WANT TO BE PART OF YOUR LIFE, TOO SOON, THEY DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A LIFE OF THEIR OWN. 🚩🚩🚩

[@mellllle93]

I think it really depends on where you are in life. As I am in my late twenties, I actually am interested in what a person wants out of a relationship, what the other's expectations are. Also: what about shared values, milestones and goals? Because the other person might be like "moving together? Give me 3 years" and I am more on the page "well I do not want dilly-dallying around too long" - and that does NOT mean marrying very early, but rather taking on the next milestone rather early. Especially if both parties are finished with school and so on. :)

[@hannahberlinpetry450]

See, I want to know those details about someone BEFORE I fall in love with them so that I’m not developing a strong connection and then getting hurt

[@jq77]

YOU TWO ARE SO ADORABLE TOGETHER.

[@elei417]

you guys are the real deal God bless you

[@sarahlyon157]

I had an online bf who lived in a different country. I kept telling him that I was happy to have a casual relationship online only, and I wasn't going to visit or say I loved him, or anything like that. I ended up ending the relationship because he wouldn't respect that. It sucks, but it was a huge red flag.

[@SarainPhx]

That song was Nsync lol

[@alexmcgilvery3878]

You mention 'soul mate', The idea of the soul mate is worth a show in itself. I've always said the concept of 'a' soul mate is damaging., If you want one, you need to create the relationship, it won't just happen.

[@meldixj]

OMG!! I just got dumped bc we were not on the same page, and my conclusion is exactly that we didn't had this type of conversation!!

[@bywayofkpc]

This is valid and helpful advice but I am dying at Alicia just pushing unwanted kissers away and the panic in Jonathan's eyes because something was evidently amiss with his hair.

[@MendedLight]

We love to be able to share our real selves with you all! Hair concerns and all😃😂

[@Meg.1122]

I think for people with c-ptsd or an insecure attachment style taking between two or three months before getting physically intimate wouldn't be a bad idea, especially if you get attached easily. Taking things slow is better I guess.

[@PramkLuna]

When I asked them they didn't know where they wanted to go, which made me unsure if they even liked me at all. Sure it's ok to be flexible, but it felt they were more serious than I was, and also didn't want to get to know me? Too strong, too fast, so I bolted.

[@justinglispie4911]

Nothing wrong with Country music Johno!

[@DirtyPrancing]

I've heard that before, about a first kiss rule. If I were seeing someone for a month and three dates, and not only had they not tried to kiss me, they'd pushed me away when I tried, I would assume they didn't like me. It just seems like a weird line to draw for something so benign and like it could cause a lot of confusion.

[@dudebandit83]

06:38 Missed opportunity for Kuzco's "No touchy!" clip

[@cynthiab3168]

When my now-husband and I started "dating" we definitely had different ideas of what was happening 😂 To this day we don't agree what our first date was (we just had our 9 year anniversary). After about 4-6 weeks of... whatever was going on we had our first kiss and then I demanded that we label what was going on between us. I was his first ever love interest and he was hilariously awkward about it. That night we decided we were officially exclusively dating... And less than two weeks later he casually asked "what would you do if I asked you to marry me?" and nearly sent me running. I told him he could ask me again after we met each other's families. He patiently waited many months for me to invite him to my parents home. After a while he then asked for my dad's permission before asking me. And the rest is history! But yeah, communication is definitely "a thing" 😂 and pretty important if you ever want to honestly answer "what was your first date"

[@adarateranroldan]

🥰

[@vegas_party_animal7737]

You should always be able to bring up if the person wants or doesn’t want kids when first communicating and not even on the date if you are looking for something serious and either want kids in the future or don’t. If the person you are going to go out with is on the opposite page then why would you want to waste your time or even money on a date with them?

[@lovleelaura88]

I met my boyfriend of now 4 years on a dating app and I wrote first thing on the profile that I'm here for a serious relationship and that I take my time. I spoke only online for a month before deciding to meet IRL. And then another month before I got physical. Luckily my man was on the same page. But there were plenty that didn't make it past the first date

[@ange76prkr]

Ok so a past relationship I had with a friend I met online. Within the first month of being official he changed his name on Facebook to my last name (my friends said it was a red flag but I was busy wearing rose coloured glasses) and told me all about how he would get a vasectomy for me... yeah -- anyway, he was obsessed with talking to me 24/7 at first and then became incredibly cruel, rude, like just gross at times, yet would get upset if I didn't continue the Snapstreak. He dumbed me over Snapchat. I bought a car and he said I was "copying him" as he had recently obtained a car for free. Also didn't approve of a friend I reconnected with in order to gain guidance to purchase the car. However, I love my car!

[@meetcharubala]

I feel like i have no boundaries, I feel stuck and exhausted, I am sick and tired of relationships.

[@Learnpersian4]

Same here

[@johncargille7722]

And tips to avoid OVER-commmunication early on? I'm a very verbal, forward, and expressive person, and sometimes I work about if I'm giving people enough space early into a relationship.

[@sewingepiphanies]

i wish someone had told me this when i was young..

[@EmilyTempest81]

You mentioned about physical connection can cause the bonding. How do you get over it or stop feeling it. It happened to me once and it's still hard to get over that time. Back then I looked for a good relationship. I'm married now but still the memory comes back.

[@ellentevault6244]

I set a boundary of waiting for physical intimacy for 3-4 months and we were together for 16 years.

[@mm7846]

Oops 🤷‍♀️ I need this rule!

[@kriptonis]

but silently pushing the guy away .. he can interpret "oh she is really not interested in anything romantic with me".

[@Eldalote87]

For a lot of this yes. But talking children, yes the first date. If you don't want any I'm not gonna spend energy in spmething that won't work anyway.

[@IzzyCanterra]

I dunno how to tell you this, Jono, but "Bye bye bye" is by N*Sync, not the Backstreet Boys. 😅😂🙈 "Everybody" would have been a better fit. "Backstreets back, ALRIGHT!"🤘🤘🤘😂😂😂 Love you anyway, of course!

[@yeahyeah4998]

Great video. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us. I found this channel through CinemaTherapy and I’m really enjoying the content. Could you maybe expand upon the topic of boundaries sometime? I’m a pretty assertive person, but I realized after my last relationship (that, yes, started as “let’s see how it goes”) I don’t really have boundaries to assert. When I’m with someone, especially someone I care for, I’m rather, well, flexible. So I’m working on getting in touch with my feelings and discovering my boundaries, and I would like to know what normal or healthy boundaries can look like. Because I doubt myself so easily. The example “no touching

[@MendedLight]

We are so glad that you like the videos and are finding them helpful! Making a video on boundaries is a great idea! They are very personal and can look different for everyone, but a healthy basic starting point may be useful for many people.

[@MendedLight]

We could definitely address that! Thank you for the idea and for sharing your experience.

[@cristianargueta8501]

Yall the best!!!

[@MendedLight]

We love having you here!

[@Shindai]

Communication hasn't really been a thing in my relationships. I try to be open but people get weirded out. I'm a traumatised genderfuck autistic who has trouble defining feelings, so I need to take things slow and I'm easily overwhelmed. I'm all about communicating that, how I'm feeling, what I'm struggling with. So far basically everyone has responded poorly and I don't know why they don't just communicate back. I asked one directly what she thought of me, all she said was "I knew you were gonna ask something like that." We were involved but she treated me badly and I wanted to know where I stood. That might have been the end of it but I had to save her life like four days later so things got messier. But .. how do you raise the idea of open and honest communication to people who seem unable or unwilling to communicate? I realise that in future that's my red flag to not be involved with a person, I've learned I think not to settle anymore, but it's a concern going forward.

[@purplemind93]

I'm autistic as well and with my last dating experience that lasted about 5 months, I spilled my heart out and was a lot of the times brutally honest when I was feeling uncertain about us or having anxiety that we didn't live closer to each other (LDR). I got comforted in return, which was nice in the moment but when I think about it now, it would have been much more constructive if the other person had told me that maybe me having verbal diarrhea every time I was sad and confused made him slowly loose feelings for me. I didn't know how this affected him. I'm not an idiot, I know that it's not sexy to listen to the one you're dating cry and not knowing how to make things better for myself. But this guy had confirmed several times that he is the type of guy who wants to be there for the woman and that I didn't have to think about supporting him in return, and that I should talk to him whenever I was sad and so on. It's that "hero syndrome" I bet, some guys might love to be the savior at first but I've learned that it's useless and worth nothing. Eventually the guy will get fed up, but no boundaries are being set and when the girl is like me, a neurotic person who craves security and stability from the outer world just as much as from within, shit will hit the fan sooner or later. Some people really do struggle with knowing what they feel and putting words to it, let alone expressing it to someone else. Even after our breakup I had to coax it out of him, even though I'm not the best communicator as well. What bugs me is that he talked so gloriously in the beginning of open and honest communication, but time after time again he was the one who so rarely could open up to me about his feelings and as an autistic person, how in the HELL am I suppose to read him and to know that something is wrong? Especially when I can't even see the body language since we lived far away.

[@mallorybotos1901]

I'm 18 so I'm pretty damn young and new to love and shit lmao, but something that really helps me to open up and really get to know someone is to cuddle them and hold them. I'm Asexual so I don't ever want to have sex, but for me physical touch is a big part of getting to know someone. So that's just something that helps me to feel comfortable with commitment.

[@Zarolea]

I disagree, I think its important to talk about what you want in a relationship right away, this way you're not wasting anyone's time, and getting too invested into something that isn't going to workout with someone who has differing goals. If someone is looking for love, and the other a FWB ordeal, that should be made known right away. If one person wants to settle down, get married and have kids, and the other doesn't want kids and wants to travel around the world or something, you're just wasting time with the wrong person for you until its time to have that talk. I think a big reason people stay in the wrong relationship is the sunken cost fallacy. They've already invested so much time in this relationship and with this person, they need to make it work. Putting your goals upfront, while it may be intense for some people, helps you to avoid that trap.

[@Angelwitch99]

Me and and my now Fiancé got to know eachother at school would hang out in our computer class and at school functions and when he that how we decided we wanted to be together but on a proper date until after he had actually ask be in a committed relationship with him and so I not do date or enter into a relationship just for the fun of it made a point to tell him probably aren't the second or third proper date that for me I am looking for something that could potentially last forever not just your typical highschool funfore now relationship so if that's all he wants it's better not waist eachothers time. Lucky for h3 we for forever too and 7 years later it honestly seems like we found it.

[@nicoleallen3079]

I thought I was meeting up with a friend for drinks. After we got our drinks, sitting at the bar. He starts talking about how I’m not too old to have kids, and we can start right away. He tells me we can do IVF if there are any problems. Mind the fact that I really don’t talk about the medical reasons of why I can’t have kids, but I had no idea I was on a date, let alone a friend who was waving all the red flags. I don’t like intrusive questions when I first met someone. I’ll just tell said person I do choose to go on a date with, that I’m not having kids. And they have a nugget of info without being intrusive or creepy. ( I am at the age that it would be weird to get pregnant at 45)

[@emmabunch-benson4795]

Your wife is so beautiful!!

[@KxNOxUTA]

Psst, you can compliment her directly 😉

[@itsyobroaidan]

Jonno: Sometimes we’re backstreet. Proceeds to play nscync

[@Tamizushi]

When you use a streaming service, your computer doesn't have to know what's the image it's gonna show in 20 minutes, but it does have to be synchronized with the server at all point or you are gonna have some problems. Ok, that's a awful analogy but that's the best I could think of. Point being that you have to be on the same page with your partner about what's going on right now, including in what direction you each would like the relationship to go, but neither of you need to know where the relationship is gonna be in 10 years. Neither of you can know this. At some level, you do need to see where things go, but to see where things go you need to see.... Ok another terrible analogy but you get what I'm saying. Communication in a relationship is something you need to do regularly as it allows you to update how you understand the relationship as it evolves, and to have realistic expectations that come with it. You don't communicate a plan at the beginning of a relationship and then just follow it without ever talking about it again.

[@leconcasse6450]

LOVED IT

[@MendedLight]

So glad!

[@LadyJennivieve]

😂 what is the actual real life time difference between the Adams Family cinema therapy review and this video?

[@RusticRose3117]

What are some healthy ways to meet people? And boys?

[@KajatheWolf]

i gotta see the studies that prove the "oxytocin release lessens with each hookup" hypothesis? please?

[@anxen]

Can we unpack the "My kids.." comment though? 🤔🙃👾

[@MendedLight]

Sure!

[@racquelescjose4432]

Back street Lmto

[@MendedLight]

😀

[@Xia-hu]

What to do with a guy who is really bad at communication? Like, a nerdy nerd who sometimes even forgets to check his messages for a week? I tend to say it's hopeless...

[@rol407]

Thanks. That's me but not nerdy. And that's due lot of pain. So thanks just because dealing with abuse since childhood I deserve to suffer and be alone forever

[@ljunicorns]

I wish I had watched this video in 2021 :(

[@williamforbes1593]

My imaginary girlfriend cheated on me.😒

[@ML-di8lt]

All I heard was bang even more to not catch feels.

[@samiam2088]

Same

[@jessicacharlton7347]

The idea that you will have trouble bonding and staying faithful if you've had sex with alot of people is nonsense. If anything, you're more likely to actually fall in love with someone for who they are as a person if you've had sex with several different people because you'll be more likely recognize the feeling of lust for what it is and you're less likely to confuse it with actually being in love. If you haven't had sex with very many people, you're more likely to think you're in love with someone when in all reality you just don't know the difference between lust and love. Having had sex with alot people doesn't make you more likely to be unfaithful either. If anything, not having had sex with very many people will make you more likely feel like you missed out on something or to wonder what sex is like with different people. I'd really like to see your sources for the research you talked about in this video. I think you may have had a confirmation bias when reading this research. This also kinda sounds like a nonsexist version of the "pair bonding" crap I've heard incels talk about. I also think you might've read the research and mixed it with your own beliefs rather than coming to a conclusion based on the research alone.