How to Speak Up for Yourself!

[@marybarrett2002]

At 55 I am learning how to speak up for myself.. I have been a doormat my whole life... How sad.. But I am finally finding my voice......

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Me, too. A scapegoat, too. Groomed for this by the narcissist since I was a kid: disaster.

[@cyndigooch1162]

​@@jackilynpyzocha662 Me three! 🙋‍♀️

[@isaaca6445]

​@@jackilynpyzocha662me too! 😢

[@bunny19-xk5mj]

Best wishes for you ❤️

[@angelamillstumax8569]

I'm the same and I'm glad I'm speaking up now 😊😊😊

[@mariabracco30]

This video is perfect timing. I have a appointment with my Doctor on Monday and I need him to hear me so thank you for this. I’m gonna Write it Out!

[@abbeyc4865]

Kati can u do a video on why we feel a need to impress our therapist?

[@stevendurrant1724]

Transference

[@_just_TK]

Unknown Name Kati already has a couple of great videos about this that I’ll link below! kzbin.info/www/bejne/ppasaqKfgsd3nrs kzbin.info/www/bejne/qoq0pahtoJ6AadU kzbin.info/www/bejne/l3nEiX9-h9ybZ7c kzbin.info/www/bejne/oqmcpZ-hq9Klidk

[@bellaandsevy5338]

She has a few!

[@sheaharris8189]

omg i felt that

[@shanejett3550]

Do we? Lol I really don't follow this. It seem ridiculous that anyone would go to someone and say: "I need help", any then proceed to try n impress them.

[@isaiahchi-townwilson7866]

This helps because I don’t know 🤷🏽‍♂️ how to speak up for myself as much and this video helps

[@janicejones1849]

I had an incident at work the other day. I cried...one time I was glad to be wearing a mask cause no one saw me. I cleaned cried and processed and thought about what happened. I was going to let it go but didnt want the coworker to think that it was ok to treat me like that so I then asked my managers to talk to the new people and remind them of a procedure. My therapist says I was skillful but she said I need to step in to the conflict. To help me be brave shes having me purchase a Mala for each bead I'm suppose to say one positive affirmation about myself. Overall my Mala is suppose to remind me that God approves of me standing up for myself righteously...its suppose to help give me courage. My therapist also gave me some ideas of what I could say to others.

[@melissahatfield2475]

Hey Kati thanks for another great video you inspire me so much to help other people I love you so much you’re such an amazing person❤️

[@toniglowacki8451]

Thank you, I will try your advise

[@anxiouscutie]

I'm currently in a situation where a woman that I used to know keeps dead naming me (calling me by my old legal name, I'm Agender) and I've just been trying to ignore her, but it's only making it worse. I'm going to try being assertive and tell her to call me my current name, but I'm afraid that she might be aggressive back. If she doesn't comply, I'm worried that I won't be able to go to that place anymore even though I love going there, since that's where I see her. I'm going to bring it up with my therapist, but at least this video gave me some ideas on how I can stop being so passive all the time and actually notice when I am uncomfortable and say something instead of ignoring it when things like this happen!

[@emahniChannel]

Thank you! I loved this sooooo much. I’m definitely running this back and writing my notes on this. You broke this down so well for me.

[@JudePoe]

A tactic that "toxic people" sometimes used against me when I tried to assert my needs, they would deflect by accusing me of doing the same thing.

[@greghowarth7879]

Thank you xxx

[@DarkArachnid666]

Not sure if this counts, but I noticed that people became a LOT more respectful after I started lifting weights. Perhaps, it is fear of the repercussions of one's actions that keeps people in line?

[@christianawalker8289]

Thank you for this ❤️ I really like that you have a channel and that I discovered you from Shane. It makes me feel like I have a therapist but don’t have to pay $100’s of dollars that I don’t have. (I know you probably have a disclaimer that you can’t substitute for a a therapist that we can talk to directly but I honestly think you might have been more help). And it actually feels like you’re talking directly to me, which helps it feel more direct and personable. The last tip is really sad. It made me cry, cause I feel like I might be there in one of my close relationships. But I tried so hard to express what I needed and they just never care. I think you might be right. I think I might need to cut them out of my life as soon as I can. It’s just so sad. I wanted to have a nice relationship with them so badly. I’ll try the other steps until I get to the point where I can cut them out of my life though. Maybe it will change by then. Thank you again. ❤️

[@ingvildkvakestad]

I just dared to do this for the first time I felt like a jerk but it worked and I stood up for myself

[@debragoodschubert8226]

When I am assertive, I’m not always listened to.

[@MeiMei-nn7el]

This is a great video. Thank you?

[@lauragadille3384]

When I speak up for myself, I'm considered selfish so I just shut up. Better that way.

[@adrianaavila8853]

Nurse Kimberly, ummm what do you mean a three year old is not selfish? Children that young do only think about themselves because their brain has not fully developed to put into “someone else’s shoes”. It’s called egocentric.

[@lauragadille3384]

I don't know what the three year old concept has to do with my post.

[@karakol86]

I use the analogy marble jar or friend bank with people. They can put marbles in the car or take them out or put friend money in.

[@hartzaire]

Can you do a video on people not respecting the fact that your not good at everything. I’m currently dealing with this at school the school expects everyone to be amazing at everything in art form since I attend a art college. They expect everyone to be exactly alike and everyone to be good at every single class. Even if your just okay at it. They want perfection that is unrealistic.

[@briannabelliconish2828]

Hi! I posted this on another (older) video but thought I'd repost here since it's newer. Kati, can you do a segment of tips for counselors? I love how you have informational videos for the general public but can you also do some tips/tricks/maybe troublesome areas you've navigated through as a therapist to other therapists? Just an idea; thank you! I hope you're having a great day!

[@honeybeejourney]

PS. I'd love if your t shirts were a V-neck. :-) Loving your channel!

[@yogigirl1173]

Thank you so much! In your book do you have examples of things to say to people? I have a hard time figuring out what to say

[@user-wj3yr7xr2f]

How about when you cant let it go because there is no other options? Or the other options is as bad..

[@S.G.W.Verbeek]

Shift your focus of attention. Do whatever makes you happy in such a situation, and with the rest: do no bother, it will clean itself eventually. You only have to go to the places you know you will feel happy about😄

[@BrainsApplied]

*My main thing? Have your own opinion and say what you want, but listen to others...* Too many people take assertiveness for being cocky.

[@Mushroom321-]

YES, It means to explain while still respectful to listening..

[@karakol86]

Also people don’t like to be told no. Being assertive is making boundaries. If you don’t do what others want they will call you names. I know a few folks who only talk to me when they need something. I don’t do things for them and they don’t come around anymore.

[@valhalla1240]

It also means: checking in with people from time to time. I know what I like, but if I notice I'm getting a lot, I check in and ask: is that ok for you? It basically works the way our human rights work: your freedom shouldn't negatively affect anybody else's freedom.

[@krystalrussell38]

I wasn't taught to write it out. Everything was talk it out or be quiet. Listen and you can't speak any more of it. Limited access to understand. What about the Five ways to say I: 1) thoughts 2) wants 3) intentions 4) observations 5) feelings I learned to relate my messages to these because I'm used to hearing,"you" messages.

[@krystalrussell38]

This is in one of my books and it's very difficult.

[@Sharokio]

Just lost a friend because she didn't respect my boundaries. This video helped so much. Thank you.

[@computernostalgia6293]

Then she wasn’t really a friend.

[@xxiicaviixxxx5301]

👊 ^^ what that person said.

[@n.oneimportant5]

I had to divorce my spouse and leave my job for the same reasons. It was hard, and I wasn't thrilled to have to do it. But due to DBT, I was as skillful about it as I could be. Ultimately, I'm happier having done both.

[@rachaelharper3778]

Leaving something that is toxic is better than staying even if it’s hard to let go!

[@margaretdoliet1630]

​@@rachaelharper3778🙌🙌🙌Well said 👏

[@sophiadavenport3959]

At 27 I'm still working on this, I want to express my emotions without hurting other people's feelings.

[@alyssafisher4798]

A whisper of Patricia same! Im 26 and thought that once I was an adult in a career job I would just start asserting myself and being confident but that hasn’t come naturally...

[@Katimorton]

I am too!! I can sometimes do it, but others times it's so hard! I hope these tips are helpful :) xoxo

[@sophiadavenport3959]

@@Katimorton I'm permanently subscribed to this channel.💛

[@_just_TK]

A whisper of Patricia Welcome to the Community!

[@sixteen.candles.4644]

Me too. Almost 30 and still struggling uhg

[@lovinglife2232]

Growing up it wasn't safe for my siblings and I to speak up.

[@RahiVaidya]

Loving Life same

[@sophiadavenport3959]

I can relate.

[@Ilovevintage77]

Loving Life same 😢 huge beating if we did. Still makes me afraid of what ppl might do

[@nwatson2773]

It’s not too late. Own Your Power!

[@lovinglife2232]

@@nwatson2773 Im 51 years young. Ive been in my power since my parents checked out when I was a child. Trust that being in my power just evolved over the decades

[@AliKorruption]

It's very interesting that you did this video. For the first time in my life I stood up for myself. A family member and I got into an argument, and he was yelling over me as I was speaking, I said to him " if you are not going to listen to me or try and understand, then this conversation is over " he hung up the phone. Not the reaction I wanted however I felt good that I stood up for myself. My doctor said he hung up bc he wasnt ready for me to defend myself and it caught him off guard. But it felt good!

[@kristinamcgraine9771]

Question: I am a passive person and working on being more assertive. However, whenever I am trying to be assertive I start to cry, especially at work...and that can be embarrassing. (I feel like I am in wise mind before I try to be assertive, but then I get emotional.) Ideas?

[@sixteen.candles.4644]

I wanna hug you bc i struggle the same way. I have anxiety so confrontation brings me to tears most times.

[@rachelcoloradomy3kidz778]

I really don't like being assertive at work because I get upset crying etc When they say something that upsets me

[@powerofroses1670]

i think you should stop your crying and stop being so dramatic.

[@aurelia5905]

@@powerofroses1670 you're an asshole. Kristina is expressing anxiety around confrontation. She is not 'being so dramatic'. Your response makes you sound like an abusive boomer parent.

[@hawtwheelz]

Kristina McGraine i feel you! id say definitely practice. even if it’s just in your mind, practicing scenarios seems to help. i think if you also practice verbally w another person it helps too. i think it’s also working slowly on the small things. i’m workin on it too :)

[@pamelab4910]

I can be toxic when im triggered I’ll keep these tips in mind. Thank you❤️

[@abbeyc4865]

Peace Harmony u got this!!!!!

[@alicehollamby1666]

I struggle with social anxiety and speaking up is hard for me. Thanks so much this really helps me to understand a lot clearer x

[@gaurs230]

Yeah same here

[@jamieh186]

My therapist and I just started interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT. So we’re starting Passive-Aggressiveness and how to be assertive. So this is awesome! You’re awesome too!

[@Katimorton]

Perfect timing!!! xoxo I hope this is helpful!!

[@Mushroom321-]

Awesome! My therapist taught us that & excerscises months ago. 😃👏

[@alyssafisher4798]

I had to handle a workplace conflict today and NEEDED this video...thank you!

[@abbeyc4865]

Alyssa Fisher u got this!!

[@OperationFoxley19441]

It's like a playing a game of Wack A Mole, as soon as they raise their head, put them in their place.

[@powerofroses1670]

i am sure you can deal with thisbbn on your own. you should come up with something better.

[@maggie0285]

I'm so passive that it's automatic. I don't pause long enough to know how I feel or how I want to respond. I immediately cater to people and what they want. I never object because everyone else is more important. But this is all changing for the better.

[@jennamartin5913]

Boundaries are a BIG thing I’m working on! I’m disabled and the last few years I’m learning to “ grow up”. My family has a really hard time respecting my boundaries. I’m always” the bad or rude or wrong one “.

[@admirbarucija2018]

I really needed this video!! ❤️ I have a lot of trouble saying no and tend to tolerate too much or be really patient with being taken advantage of

[@Katimorton]

It can be so hard to say no.. I hope the tips I offer in the video are helpful :) xoxo

[@admirbarucija2018]

@@Katimorton It's absolutely difficult to say no.. how something is said matters just as much as what is being said! Thank you so much for your tips/advice!! :) Your videos have helped me become a better, more resilient person overall

[@phyllismuniz8152]

I have struggled with this my whole life. After reading self help books and tjerPy and codependent groups, lots of KZbin videos on learning about narcissistic traits... Crying..lots of crying. I've been recognizing how afraid I have been my whole life. I'm learning to take steps to stand up for myself. Confidence not arrogance. Kindness not hostile. Learning not to compromise my self, learning my boundaries. Learning to recognize my triggers.

[@phyllismuniz8152]

Bless you for your transparency. For sharing your truth My heart is touched . I can relate with you on being sensitive to harshness of others. I cry and get so angry that I don't know how to stand up for myself.

[@paigewarren2024]

This video came at the perfect time because I have a hard time being assertive and letting people know what I need or want. People have made me feel guilty for speaking up for myself

[@SamanthaGorman1022]

I struggle with confrontation so much because I hate confrontation so this video helped me prodigiously! Thanks so much Kati!

[@rea8585]

I am having one of those days when I am not the most friendly in my self talk. Thanks for this simple technique of reminding myself of some things I love about myself! 😊

[@Katimorton]

Any time!! I hope it brightened your day a bit :) xoxo

[@paulflint6254]

Im 40, and still struggle with my life being micro managed by family, great video kati, ill try to apply your info to my life

[@sixteen.candles.4644]

Uhg. Hate family like that def gotta let em know where to go.

[@Anna_Banana123]

I am 40 now. It took me years to make it clear to my father that although he has a key to my flat he can’t just walk in whenever he pleases… But even if it took years, every little step counts. Celebrate every little step like an achievement that changes your life because it does.

[@paulflint6254]

@@Anna_Banana123 thanks, do they make you feel as if your selfish too?

[@paulflint6254]

@@sixteen.candles.4644 thanks 😃

[@teachpeoplehowtotreatyou8613]

Such a great video! I am only now speaking up for myself after 56 years! Thank you for this. 😊

[@purpleskies6600]

if you dont stand up for yourself you end up resenting yourself for not being assertive.

[@deja3963]

Thank you for mentioning the fact that you have to at least try to talk it out with a toxic person. Far too often I see social media posts that are like "If they yell at you even once, pack your bags burn the house down, never look back." and I'm like that's a bit extreme and kinda hypocritical. That person deserves a chance to change their behavior before you just give up on them. Everyone gets a chance.

[@alexakimov]

Right?? That's what I think when I see posts like that.. everyone makes mistakes. You can't just give up so easily!

[@ladylabyrinth6345]

Perhaps they respond this way because this is their boundary that has been pushed.

[@annak4812]

I got to be so assertive in the last few years driven by circumstances that now i cant take any bs at all. I have gotten good at 'speaking my truth' through writing but speaking is still a problem. Because writing gives me time to research my issue and then write it down for example: a letter to the building manager after researching my rights according to the law. And I always get the situations resolved in my favor which leads me to be even more assertive. Practice makes it perfect!

[@ChameleonGalaxy]

Recently a friend tried to be assertive but it was texting and I read it like she was mad and yelling at me so I triggered and became agressive. But turns out she was calm so we got on a voice call and it was fine. But text is the worst. don't be assertive on text!

[@SarafinaSummers]

Tone tags work over text too. /gentle

[@tabithalandon4793]

I need to practice this more often! I am usually passive in most situations because I'm shy and have a difficult time speaking up. I have also went to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and was aggressive when I wasn't trying to be. The situation that sticks out in my mind where I acted aggressively was when my wound doctor was accusing me of sitting too much in my wheelchair and that was the reason I had a pressure sore again. It definitely triggered me and I blew up! Everyone was shocked that I spoke to the doctor the way I did. Not my best moment, but I was so sick of them saying it was my fault. Thanks for this video!! I'll definitely work on being assertive and not going to one extreme or the other.

[@ambercimburek6872]

I almost got kicked out of my apartment recently due to not being assertive so I'm happy to hear this video.

[@BendyDivine00]

I like the poker chip analogy, it is like the spoon theory for persons with chronic illness.

[@highvibe6081]

My mom met a guy online, soon after that (well idk how soon.. she never told me anything) we moved to live with him. He has groomed/touched me sexually I haven’t said anything (I was 12) Idk why but eventually I did when he made me angry when my grandma gave me an opportunity to talk about it.. Long story short ... my mom didn’t believe me or didn’t want to.. she said he was probably tickling me and accidentally touched me in those spots... I ended up recanting my story so he wouldn’t get in trouble cause my mom had a baby by him and she was making me feel like I fucked up for ruining everything. He came back to live with us. Since he is the bread winner my mom didn’t want to lose him It didn’t get to me until I got older and realized that my mom chose a “man” over me . It kinda stunted my growth “mentally” I haven’t talked to anyone about it or told my grandpa.. he hasn’t touched me after that day.. but he just treated me rudely, and treated me differently than my siblings. There’s a lot to this story but as of now (23) I haven’t matured to live on my own Idk if I’m depressed it’s hard to tell But I cry every time I think about what happen (mainly that my mom acts like nothing happen) it’s hard yo. But I think to myself that “we’ll all die eventually so why does it matter what we accomplish in life” to cope with the lack of accomplishment/goals in my life. I still don’t know what to do with my life I still live with him. I don’t want to be with someone just to get out of this situation. Idk man... I can’t really talk about this in person cause it’s hard to talk when you’re crying. Idek why I wrote this. Idk .. But I don’t stand up for myself, I freeze in a confrontation, I’m scared to. I kinda wish at the time I was more rebellious, but I wasn’t I just low key resented everyone in my family that knew what happen but still didn’t do anything . I haven’t seen a therapist , I don’t have health insurance and I’m scared to even bring this up to authorities (I mean he hasn’t done anything since) but it still angers me that I can still hear his voice and see him around the house. I get angry hearing my mom laugh and hold conversations with him while he manipulates her. She even tells me that she hates him or whatever.. but her actions says different.

[@taylorsheppard6924]

High Vibe I'm sorry you are going through this horrible situation, and your mum is an asshole for failing to protect you.

[@Ilovevintage77]

High Vibe hi. I want you to know I heard you. I see you comment . I believe you. My name is Rachael and I read your story. YOU WILL GET AWAY from that bastardi. He will not rule your life. Listen to me just because your mom protects him for her needs doesn’t mean you have to. If that means that one day (when you’re ready) you’ll have the means to be out on your own I promise you hun. You will. If you need encouragement please answer me and I’ll give u my email. My mom and husband both had this type trauma too. I was meant to read your comment. The fact you were brave enough to watch Kati’s video and write this is an amazing first step in moving forward. You’re going to get out of your situation. I absolutely know you will. 🥰🥰🥰💕💕💕 sending you love and prayers and light and positivity.

[@jenmartin7538]

How are you doing today?

[@juliaostlund9360]

I absolutely here you, I believe you, and you deserve to self-actualize. You're not responsible for his behavior, respecting our own boundaries is sacred; you're not responsible for other people's response to your boundaries. Your body is yours and yours alone, you are strong, you deserve respect. I really hope one day you can get tf out of there and away from the toxic family members. I'm so sorry they treat/ed you this way. Best of luck and love.

[@rohitmehta3812]

Love from India!!

[@Funsoul8]

I took assertiveness training years ago,, it’s all communication when we are being assertive ..we have to use the correct wording when we communicate assertively...ie... ‘’I WANT, ‘’. ‘’I FEEL, ‘’. ‘’I NEeD’’. ‘’ how do you feel about that ‘’ ..are all phrases people should use to be more assertive...There are books on assertiveness...xoxo

[@Itsjustebele]

how do you do join assertiveness training?

[@skybite]

My mom would tell me to speak up but when I would speak up she gets angry at me to speaking up.

[@TheEmofreak333]

Not going to lie.. This video made me cry.. A lot. Just yesterday I was in this situation and they wouldn’t top antagonizing me and mocking me and making fun of me. I asked them repeatedly to please stop.. And they wouldn’t. They just kept poking and prodding and it was exhausting. I couldn’t leave because we were in the middle of nowhere and were driving. They kept saying that they enjoyed it and were having fun.. That getting me upset was easy and fun. Well, they shouldn’t want to get me upset. They shouldn’t WANT to hurt me. It was my own gamma and mother who were doing this to me yesterday in the car. It was so toxic and all I wanted to do was cry but I refused to give them that satisfaction. Later that night, I said I was going home and my mom got upset and begged me to stay so I lied and said o had work in the morning. I didn’t but I needed out of that environment. Even family, especially family, can do this. But sometimes being assertive and standing up for yourself don’t always work. It just keeps them going.

[@personne3837]

I hope you're in a better place now. You have to distance yourself from toxic people, even family members. Take care of yourself. You are the Queen of your life.

[@lolatJESS]

Being assertive got me lumped up with borderline traits somehow, and when I disagreed and tried to assert myself....apparently that's an irritation symptom.. I've started asking myself is it the clinicians fault or am I not doing something right to properly assert myself to explain myself better. This video came in perfect timing...

[@elizabethmoreno5078]

I find your point about “starting small” very interesting. Growing up my mom always told me to say something if I didn’t like something and I really feel like it’s helped me speak up for myself when I need.

[@yle3307]

Thanks you so much kati!! I wish you were my therapist... All the love from Italy 🇮🇹 ♥

[@patrickdodds7162]

I'm always struggling with this one. I'm so glad you made this video, Kati! If it's okay to ask: could you make a video about recovering from a manic episode? I have bipolar disorder and have had a manic episode this year. It think a lot of people with my disorder could use guidance in this matter. Thank you.

[@zombermashwondah9966]

Hi Katie. Could you do a video on how to overcome the after effects of having really controlling parents/ how to deal with them? I always feel like I have to get permission even though I know their opinion isn't really good for me.

[@raisa_cherry35]

😩

[@92RKID]

Wow, thanks for this video Kati! I am working on this with my therapist so that if someone tries to undermine my sense of self worth and esteem, I can refuse to let it get to me like it has in the past.

[@sixteen.candles.4644]

Good for you

[@whushaw]

I know you've done the topic of AVPD before but I would really appreciate another video on the topic. I find there's not many resources out there regarding this disorder

[@SeLAnDDeMiFaN33]

I have a tendency to come off as super aggressive when in reality I’m just super passionate/ want you to understand what I mean. I don’t mean to be MEAN, and I’m actually very sensitive and passive. I usually don’t want to stand up for myself. My therapist and I JUST talked about this today! I get it world, work on it. I got it. Sheesh. 😂

[@alaysiakayebutler6299]

You cant just let it go when children are involved, esp small children that would have no one watching out for their well being. Sometimes you have to face the fact you are not going to be safe or recieve reciprocal good will, and standing up for yourself however truthfully or diplomatically will be gaslit or as a helpful measure, finding other activities, other ways to limit toxic family's access to children, when being present, they target kids with determined derision(disruptive, confusing, mean spirited) esp COVERTLY. The toxic adult hates when the targets arent under their thumb, where they can watch them for not good reasons. Its so damaging and wears you down even when you get time away, youre drained

[@empemitheos]

It's usually pointless to speak to someone who has poor self insight and a lack of principles to any serious degree

[@stacib1992]

How do you calm yourself when you see or are a witness to something wrong and it makes you mad? I caught one of my roommates cheating on his girlfriend back in May and I got so mad and I couldn't stop thinking about it for like the next 48 hours. I was seeing it from more than just my perspective of "this guy just cheated on his gf with his ex and he said she followed him home." But she didn't. She loved him and she meant nothing to him. I got upset because he gave her false hope or he is lying to more than just her. It still bothers me.

[@JessicabelliciMa1]

Cannot believe I need a video to help me to be more assertive...I mean some younger people are full of confidents and I wasn't able to be like that at their ages and now I'm working on this. Thanks to my parenthood whom probably raise me like this... And now i'm full of resentment.

[@babyprincessplayground4250]

Autism ddlg abdl my channel dissociative identity disorder

[@2225ram]

Says to self over and over, “it’s ok to disagree” “it’s ok to disagree” “it’s ok to disagree!”

[@krishnanandaarevalo1112]

my favorite part of the video was when she said that is favorite pose is shavasana, because that is my favorite too

[@robertivers4200]

I have fear of reacting to someone's anger because my dad was very abusive and don't want to inflict pain on others since it crushed my spirit as a child

[@gamerguyry6486]

Thank you, Kati You don't know how much this means to me. You're the best

[@annikalapudas9742]

Your videos always make me feel good. My therapist is a bit, well, not very empathetic and that has hit a nerve for me as I tend to think the worst about myself. Watching you talk so empathetically about any and all subjects have made me feel it's okay to be kind to me and have mercy for myself. So thanks a lot.

[@cmills1091]

Anni Kalapudas if you’re able, you might want to look into finding a new therapist that would work better with you than your current one does. There’s nothing wrong with needing something different than you currently have and looking for that

[@taylorsheppard6924]

I agree with Caitlyn Mills. Your current therapist sounds horrible.

[@bellaandsevy5338]

I just was talking to my friend about this! Her parents don’t let her do anything / hang out with me and so I told her to not be aggressive but assertive thank you you always have the perfect videos!

[@badreanna]

Awe man that's super stressful I had helicopter parents like that who wouldn't let me do anything. Ended up having to sneak out every week to have a life worth living. They would not bend on anything no matter how in control and assertive of my needs I was. Used to script out whole conversations, no use unfortunately. Hopefully their parents are more compassionate!

[@bellaandsevy5338]

Adrean Smith ah I’m so sorry I hope it’s better now and not really! And she would never sneak out I feel so bad for her, she really can’t even have friends and I’m like her only one

[@badreanna]

@@bellaandsevy5338 ☹ it's so rough, I developed cptsd because of the chokehold my parents had. I hope your friend learns early in life to meet her own needs. Weirdly enough my sneaking out was afterschool activities and going to church... im not religious but I had religious friends and my parent's had a sunday activity. Unfortunately my parent's picked up on me using afterschool activities to not be at home though. Yeah things are better now that im not living with my parents and I have a supportive spouse and we communicate our feelings alot. Surprisingly I still have a relationship with my parents. I suspect they are just as messed up from their parents as I am from them so I try not to blame them too much.

[@adrianaavila8853]

Adrean Smith, it’s definitely a circular cycle and gets passed down through the generations. Thanks for sharing.

[@MusicIsARainbow]

Haha! That's totally me in some situations. Passive, passive, passive, explode! I'm trying to improve on that. I was asked with no notice to play the piano for a meeting and the conductor is a guy with a criminal background who has crossed my personal boundaries. I blurted out, "As long as he doesn't look at me or talk to me." 🤣 They found someone else.

[@kylasanchez]

This is very helpful. I always thought me being triggered means im a bad person. Thanks for posting this video. Now i can start working on being assertive

[@alex-cf4dy]

Yeah the last part is a critical piece of it. Some people are just too dysfunctional to have a relationship with and you can only go no contact

[@lydiafindlay9851]

Hey Kati! I absolutely love your videos and have just made my way through a whole bunch that impact me. I was diagnosed with panic disorder not too long ago and have recently been developing constant deja vu. It happens so often in a day it’s quite scary and really controls my day to day life sometimes - could you maybe do a video on deja vu and how or if it links to mental health in anyway? 🥰

[@daviddied7252]

Thank you so much! This is one of the best videos because of how hard it is to explain assertiveness and how to achieve that. Thank you once again!

[@ellentevault3372]

I’ve been told for over 30 years that I need to learn to be assertive. Thank you

[@tompalmer5986]

Where I live I used to always buy instant coffee when we went to the store, and sometimes people would come by my room and ask for a teaspoon. For a while I was happy to give it to them, but I found out that if you did that once they would come back to my door again and again wanting coffee. I would have to get pretty aggressive with them to make them quit. You have to be careful about situations like that. If I see someone asking for change on the street I'm often happy to share with them. But if you're in a situation where they will see you again and again they are always going to be hitting you up for money. You just about have to deck them to get them to quit.

[@adamrocks19]

Great advice Kati! Thank you!

[@amorgan78]

Whelp this is oddly timely. I just got out of a therapy session talking about setting boundaries with someone I am dating

[@The66StingRay]

How can you be contacted? I would like to ask a few questions that are too personal for me (if I could). As to this video, how do you avoid certain situations when standing up for yourself, when you have no one supporting you and the rest of the people are volatile?

[@yolandagrabowski6043]

I find writing a skit helps me to speak it.

[@theresaleszczynski6273]

Hi Kati. I loved this video! Being assertive is something that I have worked on for years. Thank you so much for your hard work and dedication!

[@KimsLantern]

*Some people always want to fight* Can someone please shout this from every corner of the globe, please??????? Great video, Kati! Thanks for this!!!!

[@marionoschelmuller1718]

Just imagine if everyone would just do what everyone else wants and never tell what they want. We would all end up doing things we don´t like at all and no one would be happy ever. Helps getting rid of the shame around saying what you want. Besides, if you keep thinking "Oh, but what if I hurt the other person" instead of saying what you need and want, imagine you were someone else and you had made a choice for the both of you and the other person would want something completely different, but would be too afraid of hurting your feelings to say it. Would you want that person to not say anything and not have their needs met? If you are empathic enough to be afraid of hurting someone, you will probably answer "NO, of course not.". Right, so why would you assume that all the other people are so different from you that they wouldn´t want you to speak up? (Though, as Kati said, there are some people (with not much empathy or much needyness or a fragile self concept) that will not want you to speak up. They also tend to be quite common, but not generally the mayority, although you could be led to believe so if you are used that from your family.)

[@carlyd1933]

What do you do when your in laws overstep your boundaries? 🙄😭

[@annmariespande2554]

I practice this till I'm blue in the face. To have my voice when i speak out loud and trying to be assertive when I'm told my voice always sounds aggressive when I'm not feeling that way. Is there something that can help that?

[@lin_is_a_bird]

I was assertive for once with my sister and she told me that I was acting like my mom (which is not good) and then she said "I'm a mother now. It was really hard to stand up for myself and then I felt like a big jerk. That's why I just usually keep my mouth shut and am a people pleaser.

[@violentfemme30]

I have the hardest time being assertive, especially regarding setting & upholding personal boundaries. I will definitely be using these tips. Thank you, Kati. 💕

[@libbycatherine]

Perfect timing with this video! I was wondering if you could talk about setting boundaries with loved ones who have BPD? My sister, who lives with my husband and me, makes boundaries into hard rules and is much more rigid than I am, needing lots of definition and structure (more than I'm able to give). I also worry asserting myself will make her think she's been rejected or abandoned, which creates a lot of upheaval in the house. She'll run away or quit her job if she feels unwanted or without purpose. Idk how to navigate this.

[@_just_TK]

libbycatherine Kati already has a few great videos on this that I’ll link below! kzbin.info/www/bejne/gZm6ZZpvqteXjrM kzbin.info/www/bejne/nXPTdaqYidh_oqc

[@xxiicaviixxxx5301]

Rant: My sis has this habit of being nice and caring and open to listen, for a selective group of people only. But she shuts down any opinion I express and treats me like a pushover (my fault), (not only me, selective with few of our siblings and her partner too). I'd like to bring this up with her, but she isnt the sort to have a calm conversation... So instead, Im here watching this video and slowly work on being assertive in a way she gets the message without me having to deal with a traumatic fight. 🤦🏽‍♀️

[@Telenaus]

journaling, i tried that & my mom snooped & promptly threw a fit,ever since then ,, writing things down is really hard, ,because i was writing to put the hurt away from me without hurting anyone else,, so every time i try to journal now its "who is this going to hurt" & then bam im not writing what i need to ,because if i do there is a good possibility it'll be found because i wont remember to burn it or throw it away short of coding things (because i wont remember the code in a month let alone to use it) what else can i do?

[@taylorsheppard6924]

Tialisa Chapman your mother shouldn't have snooped into your stuff. That alone was a violation of your boundaries, and as hard as it may be, please do not let her discourage you from writing, Hide your journal in a spot she won't find it, and keep writing down your feelings. That's the best advice I can give you. That's what I had to do to maintain my mental health when I was still living with my abusive mother. You are worthy of love and respect, and if your mother tries to convince you otherwise, don't listen to her.

[@sarahglass6841]

Wow does this ring so true. I'm a believer of things showing up and coming into ones life when its needed most, this I see is a video lots of people need to hear right now. Including myself. To know and remind ourselves that it's ok to be assertive, in order to take care of ourselves. I just want to say to anyone who see this, you deserve to be assertive of what you need, and you are worthy of it. If someone doesnt respect that, it's not your fault, the person who doesn't respect it, is probably going through there own stuff but you don't need to take that on yourself, when you need to do you first.

[@CandyMunchie]

I have trouble speaking up to my dad

[@bill4632]

I can understand. My father can be a gaslighting narcissist, at times. It is really aggravating

[@Mnogojazyk]

I’m glad you included a section on the toxic person because there are times when a person is so aggressive that the only long-term solution is to dissociate from tim. It may not be a perfect solution; but when reconciliation is not viable, it may be the only viable one.

[@shahilagh]

Thank you for this video .regarding your final suggestion, when there is power dynamics , I feel such fear to say ..a trauma response

[@bushra7523]

Kati I am your huge fan since the last month. My therapist has always asked me to follow assertiveness but when I ask him to give me tips he just says that 'Don't try to be an angel but be a human being who has his/her own say'. This is my problem which caused me so much anxiety and your video is so meaningful. I have come to realize that through my childhood I have tried to be a people pleaser thinking that I would be liked in the same way as well. This has given me more toxic relationships where I always walked out of my way thinking that being self less is my key to life but Now I have to work on myself. I need to weed out toxic relationships from my life. Kati can you please make some video on how to handle your anxiety triggers because I need to develop coping skills to put an end to my anxiety which gives panic attacks. How can we turn off our panic mode and start living for our own self.

[@_just_TK]

Bushra Welcome to the Community! Ck out Kati’s playlist on Anxiety! kzbin.info/aero/PL_loxoCVsWqzYEpSwo3dspzwjkZ46Wb5M

[@cleopatraselene712]

Hi Kati, Thanks for all the tips, they are very useful and I will work on few if them!

[@chanelkillian4218]

I could never speak up for myself and what happened was people took advantage of me because I can't say no 😔