Key Reasons a Fearful Avoidant Would Cheat in a Relationship

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In this video I go over the reasons why a fearful avoidant might cheat in a relationship.
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Thank you for watching!

[@soaringdavis8202]

I am a female FA and I have ALWAYS been faithful in my relationships- but not needy enough to stay IF my partner displays a desire to leave.

[@borderlineenarcisisti6134]

Me too

[@shahrukhraja73]

​@@Lina-ws3syyou cheated already cheated honey .. you thought about cheating . So its a cheating

[@mindfulmeaningfulmoments247]

Sounds like a healthy relationship really boils down to clear, consistent communication, effectively expressing feelings/needs/boundaries, making an effort to meet each other's needs, and striving to stay connected! It all sounds so simple but amazing how many people struggle with this. Unfortunately many of us grew up in dysfunctional homes where healthy relationships were not modeled. I would love to hear your story Thais on how you went from FA to secure, how long that process took, and some of the struggles you still have. I took the relationship mastery course which is great but I would love to see more videos where two partners are role playing so we can see what effective communication looks like and how to express needs/feelings in a healthy way. I'm a visual learner so live examples are great! Keep up the awesome work!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Love your words Melissa, thanks for sharing and thank you for the amazing suggestion, we will share this with the team.

[@blueskies773]

I absolutely agree. I would love to see healthy secure communicating couples.

[@Tam974eva]

A lot of fearful avoidants exhibit covert narcissist traits.

[@mbalimabaso9485]

Very true. When I got into a relationship with my FA ex I was from a relationship with narcissist, and suffered severe narcisstic abuse. When I met my FA Ex he was caring, looked after me, when I would have nightmares he would be so understanding that I was in the most traumatic relationship. But I swear my ex narc was better when I think of the way he discarded me, cheated on me then dumped me cos I told him so, cruel, rude, said all the hurtful things you can think of, Gosh so I agree with you. These people are are worse then narcissist. I always thought narcissist were devils nah they are angels compared to my FA ex. And I don't want him back he must stay far away from me

[@azmomconnection]

Yeeesssss. Unfortunately. I have recognized this in myself.

[@marialourdess]

True! I’ll never invite one into my life again!

[@hmanfilms]

Bingo. The more clarity and distance I got from my "breakup" with my FA ex, I realize just how narcissistic she was. Web of lies, gaslighting, projection, micro cheating, internet affairs to create distance, passive aggressive, devaluing, and then of course... the discard :)

[@Alixir1228]

I learned this the hard way after learning my ex (I broke up with him 3 weeks ago, he's an FA) had been talking to other girls/inappropriately messaging them our WHOLE RELATIONSHIP. Looked me in the eyes, told me he loved me, everything. This is psychotic behavior. I'm so hurt.

[@nicoleflowers2364]

We do watch super long videos! I love when your videos are longer than shorter!

[@gwho]

Yeah, I'm here to mine depths and get deep understanding, not superficial soundbites that have to sacrifice the richest nuggets that you aren't likely to come across often.

[@thestayathomewife1318]

I too LOVE long videos!!!!🙏💘🙏💘🙏

[@edithhsedits226]

YASSSS🙌 more long videos!

[@Sabrina-ll2dx]

Starts at 4:13

[@briardan9226]

There is also emotional cheating. Getting a big time crush on someone else.

[@tulip5210]

I feel like crying, this just brought up a lot of emotions in me. Thank you for this video

[@MaliMaslacak526]

That's good, it means emotional release. 🤗

[@AG-bx1cc]

I was with a FA partner and she insisted on having a friends with benefit relationship, despite describing our own relationship as incredibly strong in every department (so she wasn't with the FWB to fulfil an unmet need), it was just that she didn't want to commit.

[@nickjones6646]

I just can't even put my finger on what my needs really are. What hope do I have of ever expressing them in a relationship?

[@1chienandalou]

Great content. I see this in relation to so much more than cheating, in other decisions and actions, as well as in smaller and everyday behaviors... (Even in people’s attachment to work but I don’t want to digress). When insecure or triggered, they can suddenly shift into these a pattern where they become pride/ego-oriented or to avoid pain, rather than true self/relationship/growth-oriented. It’s like a “if I act like I don’t care/push them away/misbehave/attack/destroy/walk away/cheat/dump them^ *before* they do it to me... ” mode takes over. This almost never works to actually to protect from pain if/when it comes, and in fact can create pain of its own. It’s a fundamentally misleading voice to listen to in the context of relationship advice; too immature, insecure, volatile.. (^ feel free to add more; choose your own adventure).

[@CarlosMUrbaez]

my ex is DA and for sure she cheated on me, when she got caught omg the gaslighting .... somehow it was my fault.

[@anandmohan9296]

Cheers.. same here. I was made to feel like it was my mistake that i found out she was cheating.

[@AlejandroRamirez-le2vv]

Yeah, you can show evidence on their face but they dissociate from reality

[@tynaturkova361]

Some people DO watch Your super long videos, because, it worth the time, because they are great and full of eyes opening wisdom. Lots of love. :-)

[@BFNLEO]

Something else I’d like to consider when it comes to cheating & the styles is whether the person sought out to get other attention /cheat, or if an opportunity had presented itself in some way or another.

[@KiKi-te9yd]

Both

[@ineffige]

Does it matter? Toxic as fuck

[@hmanfilms]

Both, but a lot of time they are opportunistic. They'll sub consciously seek out an environment that puts them in a high probability of cheating. Most I know are always micro cheating or talking to people behind partners back.

[@Chaz_NFQ]

Long intro. Skip to 5:51

[@isaacalvarado3662]

My ex is a FA and cheating was something I felt anxious about in our relationship. Especially once she told me she had cheated on her ex-husband. Watching the video and remembering what she said as justification for it helps put it into perspective. She was cheated on by past multiple partners and thus would constantly accuse me of cheating. There were many points of conflict as well when she would say things like how many people are talking with her or say she was seeing someone, all of which were when she was intoxicated. For me, that built up a lot of fear that she was going to cheat on me, even though the next day after drinking she would say there wasn't anyone. If the FA partner isn't clear on stating their needs or doesn't know how, what can you do as the partner to help them be clear on those needs?

[@emd5095]

You are honestly excellent with all of this. I have found a lot of value in your content. After 23 years of marriage, my husband & I, both FA's, are doing everything possible to turn this upright. ❤️ Thank you SO much! 🙏

[@reddreadintuitive4405]

Lol, I would listen to you speak for hours Thais ❤😁 Your words and your wisdom have helped connect so many of my behaviors & even some of my personality traits to my past and the emotions and unmet needs I've been repressing. Not always pretty to recognize or easy to accept, but I cant ever thank you enough for doing this work.

[@moniqueeebite]

thank you for sharing this!! as an FA, makes so much sense why these thoughts have come up for me while being in intimate relationships. expressing my needs can be incredibly difficult for me, but it's important to have a relationship that nurtures this constantly.

[@Kelley369]

Was there ever a separate video on distinguishing the key components to stay or salvage a relationship with a fearful avoidant who displayed infidelity? I searched but couldn’t find anything.

[@ianshakeshaft4150]

I'm now convinced my wife is FA. She had an affair with a neighbour. Seeing her behaviour after it ended it was definitely limerence. She never apologised, shut off from me, drank heavily, pined for the affair partner. 3 months after the affair she decided we had to separate. She admitted she still had feelings for the affair partner. 6 weeks after that I found out she was involved with an old friend. She finally moved out 6 weeks ago. She was poor at communicating her needs to me. I know our marriage could be great but wondering what happens next with her.

[@azmomconnection]

I'm sorry to hear that you went through this, I can imagine the pain. It's great that you're trying to understand what went wrong. Sometimes people are afraid to even realize what they want if it's different than their partner. You can suppress a lot. But the fact that she did it twice, I think she had even bigger issues than just this video.

[@flashman2]

Don't look after yourself

[@kidfazer]

I just discovered your videos. They are helping me learn so much about myself. I am grateful.

[@thomaspugh9969]

rationalize=rational lies

[@nroll80]

Would love to see a video on what to do if you have been cheated on. In my own personal experience with my spouse, she has disorganized attachment. Something I knew nothing about until well into this relationship and after things blew up with the sabotaging. Your videos are very informative and helpful. Thank you

[@mimokjhvmogfdgk]

🚨🚨🚨🚨

[@toninatoli]

Such a wonderful source of fantastic research, wisdom. The community is super supportive, too. ❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Hi Toni, thank you so much for this wonderful comment :)

[@KiKi-te9yd]

My partner has finally seen his ways as a fearful avoidant since I sent him some material on it, but now has sunk into a depression that he is stuck broken. I know this is not true, but how to convince him that this is actually fixable with the right tools and doing the homework?

[@amandabulmer7971]

I’m interested in this too! :)

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

If he is willing to take the online course in the Personal development school for healing FA's it will give him amazing insight on his subconscious mind and the negative stored beliefs that are affecting his reality filter today. Within the course are tools that help clear these things. Or use the search function on this channel and type in "Fearful Avoidant" and a lot of the videos come up that can really help him get into the mind of the FA. Good luck xo

[@gloriecco]

Thats understandable. We already feel like everything is wrong with us and discovering this is like getting that confirmation. Personally what helped me is the knowladge that this feeling is just one more effect of this attachment style. We feel like we are so screwed up that nobody deserves to deal with us. But actually this is just our deep belive that we are not loveble talking. So now I just think that this way of thinking is not real, but just another thing that I have to work on.

[@tasospat4919]

My recent ex was behaving really distant the last few months and I started having many suspicions that she may have been cheating on me, but she always denied these suspicions. However she did mention people to flirting with her to make me jealous and the icing on the cake is when she admitted that she made an "innocent" flirty comment towards a coworker which was sexual but to me that was unacceptable. Anytime I mentioned it she denied it saying there's no one else, but there were other shady behaviours other than her being distant and colder that made me feel that. I don't know if it was just sabotage because I was moving abroad and she was scared to commit to moving later and felt abandonment or if it also was cheating. I feel so distressed because I feel like she cheated but I don't know for sure.

[@trenicejohnson15]

Where is the video on what to do if you’ve been betrayed ??

[@KevenDuring360]

CHEAT????😂😂😂 how can they cheat if they avoid sex and intimacy all together 😂😂

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Meaningless sex is their thing. They have no intimacy when they make love.. eh have sex😂😂😂

[@irfangumelar5404]

Well a FA cheated with me for emotional intimacy (I didn't know she had BF)

[@chloej1341]

Thank you Thais, my partner DA and me FA/P have been through a very tough time and he is be becoming more and more far away, now all what was hindered him and me is thank God for almost solved but I guess he is cheating on me.. and I sense that very strong, how can I communicate that feeling without screw it all up. I am very devastated.. I would be very grateful for advice Thanks everyone ❤️

[@ShaneWolffe]

I would love to watch the video that you mentioned making at the end. Thank you for making such great content available!!

[@TheJanTichy]

I would consider myself to be the transparent-loyal FA. I used to be just anxious, but a long relationship with an avoidant changed me and turned sceptical and thus FA. Then the love of my live convinced me to slowly open up. And I worked on it on purpouse. Then she cheated out of the blue, lied about it, and broken up with me for a different reason. Try building your trust towards partners after this.

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

Avoidants sounds like real fun 😂😂 Why would you want them? There is not plus sign.

[@torilyn7181]

What if you do tell the person but they won't change anything because they say you're just mad because they won't do what you want or that you are just trying to control them?

[@flashman2]

Because they just do it they don't care leave them be happy

[@chaneljames6507]

Thank you for this. I look forward to seeing your next one

[@ThoughtDecoder]

I wonder if there is a correlation between one's willingness to leave a relationship and their attachment style. Would the dismissive avoidant type be more ready to leave a relationship?

[@saindelinejeanpierre986]

Yes they will

[@arianeblacher9772]

You’re doing god’s work Thais!!

[@mariamoooooo]

9:30 that’s very nice to hear

[@jessd956]

Could listen to you for hours. Please do a long version if possible of when to leave an FA sex addict (also a great topic would be dual addiction - SA/AA in my case. I’m feeling like I’m going crazy and I’m completely stuck after 3 years. I love him and I believe he does love me but seems SO broken! 💔

[@afaithful4331]

Did you make the when to leave after betrayal video?

[@quinnin0]

So what happens if you’re a fearful avoidant communicating their needs to their partner (initiate affection/intimacy/sex, be more responsive when I’m speaking to you, notice me more by being the first to talk) and they don’t give you these things. They just say they are caught up with something stressful at work and I’m not understanding that. Then is it fair that I want to cheat because I’m too scared to break up with them and regret it.

[@hynnimarie3957]

I feel very similar are you still going through this? Although I don't feel like cheating.

[@azmomconnection]

I think you have to get over the fear of being without them.

[@shanez1215]

It is NEVER fair to cheat. If you want to have a relationship with someone else, break up with your partner. Don't use them as a safety blanket to grieve the relationship while you indulge in your fantasies.

[@Fleuvifarello]

do they feel guilt after cheeting? if they started a new relationship with that person? or they just block their feelings and enjoy again the honeymoon phase

[@deeznuts7061]

I feel like I’m avoidant until the relationship gets deeper, then I’m anxious. Once the person gets comfortable and says the L word and doesn’t text me anxiously anymore, I get more clingy and anxious.

[@ineffige]

Toxic ad hell. Not that far from npd

[@jenaskye1567]

This is exactly what I belive happened to my husband. He's in a limerence affair & he cheated on me when I was 3 months pregnant with our 2nd child. He told her - "This will take a long time because my wife is loyal"

[@TravelMamaAnnaVon]

did the cheating video happen?

[@artstuff3346]

Thank you so much!

[@moonchild-thirty-thr33]

What if there is an abusive component?

[@jb00705]

Spot on

[@Theysopretty2]

He's never not I don't think. Eugh he gives me the ick

[@mumsiedarkdragon2296]

Honestly I don't think my DA would even care if I cheated on him. I'm not that person though. I'm loyal to a fault.

[@weirdwolf888]

Hello, I REALLY am interested in the content of your videos - BUT I’ve clicked on quite a few now and found the sound to be terrible - SO quiet. Please please get your sound sorted - maybe get in touch with some other KZbinrs (Frank James is one I watch - he has excellent sound) for advice? Your content I’m sure is fascinating but the sound quality is putting me off as it’s not just one video. I couldn’t find an email address for you (or way to contact you) on your website or FB page - so, that’s why I’m posting here.