how to stop being so hard on yourself 💗

How to stop being hard on yourself, stop putting pressure on yourself and heal your inner critic, self worth, confidence and more. Let's be gentler with ourselves. Thanks BetterHelp for sponsoring this video. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/aileen
// more videos on self love
→ building confidence | bit.ly/2u8QFuL
→ how to heal your inner child, emotional traumas | bit.ly/2tUWnV4
→ how to love yourself: self love tips | bit.ly/2RdCXBc
// timestamps
0:00 intro
1:18 exercise - ask why
2:03 the underlying beliefs that cause this
3:34 my personal story
6:22 my negative self talk
7:05 where it came from
9:07 self worth mis-rooted
10:15 healing the inner critic
10:43 exercise - negative self talk
11:33 exercise - work w your child self
12:48 healing high expectations
13:13 detaching productivity from self worth
14:34 exercise - make time to relax
15:22 healing low confidence
16:00 exercise - start celebrating yourself
17:13 exercise - shine as your true self
19:02 love yourself unconditionally
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// ABOUT
I’m Aileen, a lifestyle creator sharing knowledge and inspiration on creating your dream life.
Lavendaire is a resource for personal growth & lifestyle design. Follow along and learn how you can create a beautiful and meaningful life.
Subscribe to Lavendaire to get inspired by new videos weekly! bit.ly/sublavendaire
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Disclaimer: This video is sponsored by BetterHelp.

[@lavendaire]

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[@DemetriPanici]

While the world of self-improvement has helped me in a lot of ways... sometimes that constant urge to improve is stressful

[@nilimachetia314]

But it is for our own good if we self improve so we can get rid of negative feelings more easily but self improve also means not being hard on ourselves. Take it easy

[@00Mercredi00]

That's true. Sometimes there's a fine line between "I need to do better" and "because I'm not good enough". I had to stop constantly improving to accept myself more. 😉

[@laurelyspice]

That is soo true. Sometimes its counterproductive☺

[@imeaiwteh7540]

@@nilimachetia314 literally what are you trying to imply because you did nothing but contradict yourself in one sentence. Obsession with improvement and productivity will drive you to self destruction and insanity. It’s not healthy. You’ll improve only when you fail and fail to improve, and acknowledge that you’re stalling and not progressing, or else you’d just be deluded and you’ll keep destroying your own progress by forcing yourself to improve non stop. There are limits to everything. Balance is key.

[@ipekkutlu78]

Right on! We are so much in our heads that we need to measure even our healing. Can't we just relax? I love watching my cats live their lives by and just wonder why didn't humans create a more loving and easier place to live? Human experience with added human fabricated stressors is getting out of control. We need to realize of what actually being human is?

[@anavichauhan7523]

She is our older sis that every person needs 😭❤️

[@namegoesfirstthenlastname1785]

Yessss

[@wrenweasley]

Absolutely!

[@jamesnoonan9302]

She's young

[@katherineandreaburgosjuare2533]

she is!!!

[@moonchild-ne4zm]

@@jamesnoonan9302 so? age has nothing to do with wisdom

[@babettedejong2975]

A quick tip for some people: your inner critic doesn't have to be a voice, it can also be a feeling. I never think "I need to do more", it's a feeling I get and unnoticed I'll act on that feeling.

[@marielees]

I feel like i'm always pushing myself too hard and then beating myself over not achieving what i planned to achieve, or for feeling tired or overwhelmed with everything. This video couldn't have come at a better time.

[@lmo459]

I feel exactly the same!! ❤

[@namegoesfirstthenlastname1785]

A time ago I was seeing my old photos and cried so bad, I've damaged myself in many different ways, seeing that cute, happy girl broke my heart. I started trying to treat myself as I would treat my younger self. Since then, I've been slowly getting better, eating better and I'm actually improving in being less mean to myself. Life feels lighter.

[@lavendaire]

❤️❤️❤️

[@ud7089]

I can say First 13 years of my life I had many problems n issues N stuff that cud cause anxiety or depression But I was happy mostly From age 18-24 I was so traumatised Depressed anxious As a woman I lost my best years to depression trauma Overthinking Lost But it's ok From last year I've been learning to do things slowly I won't b healed until 50 it seems I am 25 and a half now

[@curlsarestudying5137]

I feel like that right now… now it’s getting hard to let go of guilt.

[@ra1ng1rl]

I was literally crying ab how I was being soo critical and being hard on myself and the second I opened up this app your video was the first thing I saw 😩😩 god is good ❤️ thank you

[@anjalipal1845]

Man....oh my godd..I was also crying after journaling and noticing how harsh I was..... 🥺🌸🌸

[@sammyrei295]

I was having the same problem today I can’t believe how good the timing was on this I needed it and sounds like others did too

[@sanskrutibarot9796]

I have the same problem ❤️. Read Bhagvad Gita As It Is by Srila Prabhupada if you can.

[@NickesChau]

Same as you, I was struggling and keep telling myself “love myself” and “you are good enough” , and then I opened the app to see this video! Thanks God

[@mason4903]

no thats the government helping you out

[@wayoftherose]

Our parents really put unnecessarily high expectations on us as children. This is why I'm almost glad my father passed so I can have that representation of high expectations from him die off with him. I'm comfortable with having a simple and easy lifestyle. I don't need to force myself to achieve goals based off of fear and acceptance. It's foolish and a tradition that I'm glad it's being broken among younger generations of people.

[@himh01]

I also feel I'll be better off once my dad passes.

[@SamElle]

honestly I wish I showed myself more care and empathy as I show my friends. I feel like Im definitely more critical of myself while im empathetic towards friends

[@pinesandocean]

honestly, the part where you talk about your own struggles is so meaningful. I can't possibly tell you how much I appreciate that you made yourself so vulnerable. it was deeply touching and created some kind of connection, I guess. I just want you to know that it's 100% worth it.

[@lavendaire]

thank you 💓

[@nataliesoutlet]

Needed this 💜🌈

[@diazjd1591]

Let's get connected Natalies

[@mason4903]

What's the rainbow 4??/

[@DrRebeccaHeiss]

Our brains are wired for automatic negative thoughts - but that doesn't mean we are stuck with them! The story we tell our brains is SO important, because our brains believe them, and our lives are built outwards from that. Thank you for sharing your story and your insights! :-)

[@chickenlittle4014]

I love the words you choose, you are nice and constructing your sentences

[@italico2792]

I'm so hard on myself because I feel I lived in a shell during all my adolescence. I didn't experience enough and stayed too safe. Since I turned 20 I started to get out of my comfort zone and live my true self

[@MeMyselfAfrobeats]

I can definitely relate, coming from a Nigerian household, where there is so much pressure on your acing your studies. This puts so much fear and pressure on your neck that you don’t want to take an L. When really you learn so much from taking an L. We are all not perfect sometimes you gotta take Ls to get the Ws

[@love_anneliese]

I listen this on my way to work and I almost cry 🥺 I know I was being hard on myself but I just don’t want to admit it. I think I need to sit down with my journal and watch this again.

[@carolinakoi3356]

I have this feeling too 🥺

[@lavendaire]

Sending you love 💓 it’s okay to be patient with yourself

[@jasmine3403]

U said "It's not your fault." N I ended up in tears 😢

[@DemetriPanici]

I suffer from toxic productivity and really felt this video. Thanks for the awesome message!

[@F0reverblessed]

Constantly being hard on yourself gets exhausting. You’ll eventually hit a wall because you’ll start to feel that nothing you do is enough. Choose to relieve yourself from the pressure. From a self love content creator to another; great video Aileen! ❤️

[@F0reverblessed]

@@fullsunoo I can comment at the beginning, middle or end of a video. I don’t have to wait until the video is over Conan.

[@mahaabdelqader6329]

So proud of you to talk about those deep thoughts and beliefs that you were thinking about in the past.. It needs a lot of courage to do so

[@atreyichakraborty3716]

I literally relate to every word. I have been feeding off of my parents' and friends' and strangers' approval for my self worth!!! Thanks so much for sharing❤️

[@houdaelyazidi3411]

everything I needed to hear in one vid, the pressure of society, the high expectations, the self-criticism, and so on.... thank you for making me feel worthy all the love and respect I deserve.

[@treesforlifeong1639]

Thank you Aileen for getting really real, and talk about how the self critic is tied to our need of survival and approval/love.

[@busrasuheyla]

Your personal situation is similar to mine. Having a narsisstic father and a very unhealthy family dynamic made me mentally sick. I too am in therapy and its been 6 months and it takes so much time and healing. Its in so many layers as you said. The thoughts of i am not good enough, i am not doing enough, i am worthless bcs noone is there for me. They dont Love me, i am not worthy of love, i have to work hard to be loveable..these are mine 🙈 i had a trauma attack yesterday after meeting a friend and holding back, not being completely myself. I did breakdown in tears after i came home and started to reflect but truely i was just so hard on myself and all the things i shouldnt do, i did and i slipped into all the bad selftalk and destructive behaviour. Once again i understood that all of this is rooted deeper than i thought and this video is everything i actually learned and did in therapy but it was a refresher and helped me so much right now. Thank you so much Eileen. 💖

[@mikurealjapanese]

I love your videos and your vibe so much!!! I loved the idea of writing people you admire and what they embody:) Your energy is like a very soft blanket ❤️ You are a blessing for us!!! Thank you for sharing 💕🌸

[@karolinakubikowska7264]

this is so on point! I think more of us are going through something like that than we actually notice.A sign we should be more understanding to one another too

[@parkmiu8381]

Never related more to the title, I'm always hard on myself, you're a life saver Aileen! Thank you so much!

[@cuntfetti2025]

i really love that you talked about speaking to your inner child. a lot of the negative things we say to ourselves sometimes are things we wouldn’t say to our younger selves. i really appreciate this video, thank you!

[@ajmpbangtanminyoongi]

thank you so much.... i made a self-reflection and i realized a lot of great things about me that i never admitted to ever.

[@LoBrookeMusic]

ugh, I always always feel I'm not doing enough. and it's crazy when you said something like that holds you back. It's so true its just the start of a downward spiral. Thank you for this video!

[@sellitwithsandy9268]

Preach sis!!!!! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 my exact childhood in a nutshell! Thank you for laying out so beautifully. 💕

[@watiwatjustinepearle.3132]

thank you, aileen. you don't know how much you've comforted me when i needed it the most. 🥺

[@Nan7ae]

The video that i really needed at this moment! I just now journaled on my current thoughts on myself mostly i was being hard on myself even tho i did try to appreciate i felt like it was not good for me to keep going this way.. like creating pressures and stress that doesnt exist or atleast overthink about it...💗

[@mariespring5758]

I just tried the exercise with imagining yourself as a child. Just wanted to say that it helped me quite a lot realising how negative and unfair the thoughts were that I had in my head during the past weeks. To me this was better than just imagining someone else because it is more connected to your personal experience and the imagery of a child touched me. Thank you for your video, your content and the way you convey it. It is really helpful!🤍

[@lavendaire]

Happy it helped ❤️❤️

[@quinnl1n]

thank you so much

[@sarahsaleem5885]

Aileen! Thank you for being so inspirational and helpful ❤️ You helped me out of a dark place without even knowing it! ❤️

[@josedosanjos2200]

Thanks for your message !

[@jimmulawin6124]

Love that color grading and also the message, keep thrivin'!

[@haileyj.5461]

Thank you so much for this! 💖

[@melaniegriesemer]

That is sooo powerful to imagine your childhood self and how you speak to them! I love this. We still are that inner child! I’m definitely going to keep this in mind.

[@laxmikaurz6728]

Thank you 💓 Sending you love 💕

[@brandonmorris6070]

Hearing you talk about self worth being misplaced really captured something I’ve been working on. Great video! 💖

[@nurilawafa4512]

Thank u Aileen. Very inspiring

[@Hazelangel70]

Thanks a lot for your kind words

[@khikuyui]

Thanks for the tips💫💖 ily

[@sanjushiva546]

Hey Aileen :) A big thanks for this video. The inner child exercise made me feel a warmth almost instantly. I tend to be more hard on myself whenever the situations pose a difficulty so as not to lose control yet I realize that that is the time when we ought to be more gentle with ourselves!

[@ron3406]

Thank u so much aileen , your content always come to me at the right time 💛

[@drsurbhibhanot7397]

I totally relate. Thanks for motivation.

[@laurelsouthern995]

I'm so thankful I found your channel! I'm currently trying to get on my own feet and out of my grandma's house, and I'm so excited to learn from you

[@BHAYATI]

this is perfect timing!! I really NEED THIS, to remind me this, to listen to this!! thank youuu 😭💘💛💕💖

[@adilagram]

Thank you Aileen. I'm in the healing journey and your video was so useful. Thanks, blessings.✨💕☺️

[@meenakshinair4938]

Wow! What timing! I needed to hear this today cause I was literally crying just 2hrs ago because of how hard I was to myself in the past few days.

[@strawberrymoon46]

hearing her voice itself makes me calmed down..🥺❤️

[@chiarapnp]

Thank you for taking the time to really explain each step in this video, it was extremelly helpful 💜

[@mindybelt5453]

Thank you for this video!

[@elizabethgracefashion]

This video hit me super hard. You are such a light in this world!

[@jaybube478]

Thank you Aileen ❤️

[@alfusca9824]

Loved this video. Thanks Eileen x

[@tuesday6928]

found this channel just when i am going thru some not so good days of my life,,and have been binge watching her videos and i must say my whole perspective and attitude towards whatever is happening to me right now has changed a lot in a positive way,,thank you ♡♡

[@DailyHee]

I am suffering from too much self-criticizing and this video was on my feed. Thank you so much for helping me on this issue

[@muskanagrawal888]

Thank you sooo much lots of loveee ❤❤❤❤

[@daylight6312]

You always put out videos on the right timing! I LOVE YOU!

[@lesliealejandraaaa]

I really needed these reminders ! Thank you Aileen💘

[@diannyeong]

i've been listening to your talks since last night. I can really relate to this. Tysm

[@jamesnoonan9302]

This is a great exercise. I like how it builds your sense of self by realizing where certain messages come from, but also thinking about what you do like about yourself, and gets you focused on who you want to be. It doesn't destroy the individual within, like so many other influences.

[@maritonibeltran8677]

Thankyou so much Lavendaire!💗

[@sarahermansson8117]

I did the exercise and felt emotional after doing it ❤️

[@shellbysy7459]

I resonate with all of this so heavily. Thank you for making this video. 💖

[@sunkissedcoco4083]

This is so on point in my life right now. It might be silly to hear but I have a hard time resting and thank you Lavendaire for reminding me to be gentle and with myself ☺️

[@patriciekostakova2777]

thank you soo much, you helped me a lot💗

[@melodysacpopo]

Wow I appreciate this. The last part really stuck out to me when you talked about people who got bullied and actually gave a real solution for how to change the behavior of not knowing the true power one has. I definitely feel like I can relate and feel like I have a solution and that is to celebrate my successes and wins. And definitely haven't done that much. Thanks girl.

[@Theandredamore]

Thank you for sharing your light with the world 🖤 I’ve learned so much from your content!

[@notmweh]

very timely! this is what I exactly feel right now 😭 thank you for this 💛

[@meesunciiab]

breaking down right when i see your face and hearing your comforting, “hello my loves” because i know somethings wrong with me and that’s why i’m here bc you help keep me grounded

[@elisaluppino4173]

Thank you very much! I've really appreciated it!

[@filocalina]

Aileen, you would be on my vision board of inspirational people. love you

[@L5biszz]

You and your content are a real treat.

[@kaiesaki]

I saw this video as soon as it was uploaded yet somehow managed to have it postponed until 4 days after. I could sense it in my spirit that this is what I needed in this point in my life and honestly, I'm glad i mustered up the courage to finally click play. First of all, thank you, Aileen, for being vulnerable and sharing your story. It felt like I was sharing and listening to a very close friend I could trust (which in all honesty is something I need ever so desperately right now). Next, I did the journaling and paused the video as I dug deep and it helped me a lot to unearth the triggers and identify what needed to be healed. Our triggers and traumas are somewhat the same so at times during this video it felt like a mirror was being held up and reflected my shadow parts back to me but I'm very grateful. It's so crippling to have been living in fear, shame, and guilt. I also did the working with my inner child while watching this video so let me say it took a while to finish. LOL. I realized that was a major trigger for me was people telling me "You're too loud!" or "Shut up!" when I sang and talked a lot so as I grew up I felt that my thoughts and words weren't valid or important. (I wanted to be a broadcasting major/journalist but that never happened). Another was when I would be around my mom and her friends and she would act as if me being around was a huge nuisance to her so I felt like my presence or existence was unwanted. Woooh. That was a lot of painful stuff to go through but thank you for this message. I hope you know that it has helped me heal and grow in more ways than you could probably ever think possible. I cried so much and my heart felt like it was being squeezed and torn up into a million pieces but it felt so freeing afterwards

[@mariecarr9182]

Thank you for being so authentic and you inspire me because you are transparent that the path of positivity is a process. I ended up journaling for about an hour reflecting on why I am so hard on myself and brainstorming ways that I can be more gentle, patient, and positive with myself and my thoughts.

[@viclucy-personalfinanceinv7533]

Thank you for sharing! this is just what I needed to hear this week! I love the exercise for why I feel this way, I need to journal more often and be aware of my feelings and why I feel this way.

[@norah1091]

Thanks Aileen, I really needed this.

[@shimarustudycorner3354]

Your content is just getting better and better, thank you for the exercises I am excited to do them💕

[@michelle9382]

Love the openness, vulnerability, and honesty. Thank you! So very helpful!!:)

[@aivah07]

I loved this video! You touched on a lot of things that I currently go through and what I went through growing up. I didn’t realize how much things affected my mental health. Thanks for sharing 🥰

[@sequoyahsmorejon2497]

Had me in tears wow so revealing 🥺 thank you

[@aidanamer555]

Thank you for this🙏🏻

[@gwenae]

I'm glad there's still people as kind as you in this world Aileen ♥ Thank you for this video, this is perfect timing! To everyone reading this : You are beautiful and deserving, never doubt it! ♥

[@nenoace99]

THANK YOU ❣

[@KellyGuidance]

Aileen, I love your message! Thank you so much for suggesting such powerful journal prompts. Asking why and digging deeper & deeper is so important. Your personal story was also touching and I think a lot of people can relate. Anything we experience as children can definitely be carried on into adulthood! I love your message about healing the inner critic, I really love to think about my inner child and baby her when needed. It's so important for us to be kind to ourselves. Thank you for sharing ❤️

[@patriciagayle95]

Wow, this has really been what I'm going through lately. thanks Aileen

[@otp6645]

thank you so much

[@novycrysteemallorca267]

Thank you lavandaire I'm at my darkest moments, Your words just save me💜

[@jenniferoktavia7016]

i talk with my inner child, and hey, i felt so much better, thank you Lavendaire!

[@panchasx313]

You're so right about really getting a time to relax. I took me a while to understand that, this is NOT your typical Relax, watch netflix, play videogames, go to the movies, have beer with friends, etc. Like you said, and I don't find it cliche, not a single bit. To relax on a deeper level, and the only way to that you have to move your body in order to connect with it, either walking or doing Yoga, that's the way to really go blank and have real peace of mind. Thank you Aileen.

[@Coglitics]

I kick the soccer ball around and am whole again.

[@catherineriordan4590]

Absolutely loved this video and help suggestions, thank you xxx

[@nickydance27]

Thank you soooooo soooooo much for sharing your story, your path and for being so honest and true to yourself! Thank you for everything that you do and everything that you are! 💖

[@hayleeanderson1127]

Thank you for sharing these strategies!

[@Celine022]

Thank you for this video, i really need this now.❤️

[@vanoha9623]

I do the exercise at the same time when you talk to me, it help me better and i realize so many things hidden from me when i write it down ,thank you so much Lavendaire, you are helping so many people, thank you for being here with us!!

[@pstvtycrnr99]

Your videos always show up in my subscription feed when I need them the most 💛

[@Ohokay.]

So thankful I found your channel! I keep seeing titles on your videos that I struggle with Thank you for helping me on my new journey!❣