Understanding Rejection Sensitivity

[@lindaosborn5240]

This is me, I hate feeling rejected so I have a guard up all the time. Had to be in any kinda relationship. I am very kind heart the first to help even a stranger, go out of my way for others. So when I need someone if always feels nobody is there or cares. I tell my self positive things all the time. Still stay strong it's my guard.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

I'm glad to hear that you are still working on staying strong. I've found that rejection-sensitive people often don't believe the positive things they tell themselves. So, it helps them to work on having empathy and compassion for their struggle -- to develop compassionate self-awareness. If you find that you don't believe the positive messages you tell yourself, you might find it helpful to work on this, too. I offer some ways to work on this in many of my video and on the Compassionate Self-Awareness page of my website: drbecker-phelps.com/home/csa/ I wish you well in your continued journey toward feeling emotionally stronger.

[@cjarma012]

My heart throbs for my little 7 year old son who is particularly struggling with this at the moment (autism, adhd). Others find it hard to love him because he'll quite easily disrespect people at the slightest hint of rejection (push, kick, spit, swear, threaten/wish to murder them or that they were dead. Also, a desire to hurt people). Such is the nature of feeling rejected. As a parent -- it's tough. But anyone reading needs to know, love is the only answer. Hitting, shouting, smacking in response to this; is never the solution even if it feels innate to do so. I can assure you; this will only make it worse and damage the relationship (and the childs self-esteem and mental health).

[@patbridges9634]

Thank you Dr. Leslie. You named all of my characteristics in rejection sensitivity. I began on this journey of self awareness sometime ago. And unfortunately I have used isolation or distancing myself as a coping mechanism. From my experience, loneliness is hard, but it is more predictable and less painful than rejection. I have not stopped trying to build relationships. I learned to be assertive in meeting new people, clients. I am still uncomfortable in that role, but found, over the years, I am better than average at it. I am a "young" 73 yr old. I have a Rule of 3. I make contacts and initiate conversations that eventually lead to a coffee date. If all goes well and the other person encourages me by saying, "This was fun. I'd like to do it again!" I wait a couple weeks, if no text from them, I initiate again. Same encouragement, etc. After the 3rd time, I say, "It has been fun. I would love to continue. Give me a call when you have a date and we will chat again." No call...no anything? I do not initiate again. Relationships are a 2 way street. I am not the giver here. I have even run into these people who "say" they wondered why we didn't meet, etc. I tell them, nicely, I had hoped to hear from them but didn't. I would love to! Call ME! Most never do. Moving on. Yes, loneliness is a sorry friend. But I know where I stand with it and it is not a roller coaster. My dog is loyal and good. She loves me, warts and all and it is a 2 way street!

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

Thanks so much for sharing. I love your rule of 3. I hope others read it and try it out for themselves. With your approach, I hope you find that you feel lonely less often. Also, as you point out, pets are a great way to lessen loneliness -- to fill your heart with a sense of connection.

[@lettuceboy2382]

I’m re entering the job market and finding rejection in the the interview process to be especially difficult. It’s exasperating to find jobs I’m well qualified for only to find the slightest variance in the requirements and my background cause for the rejection. It’s left me scrambling to learn every software package I can in the hopes to mitigate the objections. In spite of a labor shortage, employers are incredibly picky. Imagine dating only to find everyone wants George Clooney and you’re George Costanza

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

Ouch! Yes, looking for a job can be a painful process. Hopefully you have some strategies for managing the rejection, not letting it overwhelm you. Remaining aware of what you have to offer, even when a potential employer doesn't see it, can help. Good luck with finding a job!

[@lettuceboy2382]

@@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD I do. Each interview allows me to fine tune the message more so I can find a few nuggets of progress in what otherwise seems like wasted time. Thank you for the video. Now that I can put a name to what I have been feeling I can define it and research coping strategies

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

@@lettuceboy2382 Glad to hear it. FYI: You might find some effective coping strategies in some of my videos. Good luck to you!

[@LadyGreyBlack]

I still have memories of being rejected by my first friend in school, once a new girl arrived in our class. I also wonder if I am holding on to subconscious feeling of feeling rejected by my mother during times of being disciplined as a young child.

[@PrivateBaba]

This is my very problem. I have found out the roots. But fixing the problem isn't easy especially when you're already in your 30s. Even if you're in love, the motivation to go forward is getting killed by the expectation of rejection. But I'm improving, especially by looking inward and not seeking acceptance from others. Then I might be able to move forward.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

It sounds like you are doing some good and difficult work in growing and healing. I hope that you have also nurtured supportive friendships that are encouraging and helping you along the way.

[@rootcanal7188]

Thanks for the video. Do you think that rejection, and fears of further rejection, might cause one to give up on life? I don't mean that they would be actively suicidal, but that they would just withdraw, and just go through the motions of life?

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

Unfortunately, that can happen, especially when someone feels overwhelmed with no idea of how to help themselves feel better. If you are referring to yourself or someone you know, I would strongly recommend seeking therapy.

[@charliehobson33]

I get this at times, luckily not always and not in all situations. I get it quite strong not being liked by someone or feeling like I'm not in the cliche. I talk myself round a lot, but the initial reaction is quite overpowering. I realise that not everyone can like you and some people act in ways you don't like. It is about finding your tribe I think, not trying to fit in where it is not working. For example, I fit in with geeky types the best, the ones who are a little socially awkward!

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

It's good that you are doing the work of becoming more self-aware. It's important to be able to connect your emotions to your thoughts -- to connect with the emotions and experiences that have caused you to be sensitive to rejection and to learn to approach them with understanding (self-awareness) and compassion. You might find it helpful to check out the Compassionate Self-Awareness page on my website: drbecker-phelps.com/csa/

[@charliehobson33]

@@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD thanks

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

@@charliehobson33 You're welcome

[@viviane_casella]

I feel literal physical pain when I sense I'm being rejected. It got worse after I had a mental breakdown 8 years ago and found out I'm autistic. It's like my heart is literally broken - my chest hurts like a heart attack, probably because of the stress response. I don't like being around people anymore, I'm tired all the time because I have to advance possible hurtful situations. I came from a emotionally immature family and I was rejected in it a lot (this is not perceived rejection, I was indeed "never enough"). On top of that, I always felt different and on the outside due to my autistic traits and my dysfunctional family that wouldn't socialize well. I was born with a lot of sensitivity towards this type of stuff, exacerbated by the justice seeking trait that comes with autism. It's been a ride, I'm exhausted of feeling this pain and sadness.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

You are far from alone in feeling physical pain when experiencing emotional pain. You are also far from alone in feeling on the outside, something that many people (including those without autism) feel deeply. Knowing this won't make the pain go away, but it van sometimes lighten the load. I hope that you find a path that enables you to heal your pain. There are an overwhelming number of resources out there, both self-help and professional therapists. However, it can take persistence to find the ones that work for you. If you connect with this video, you may want to watch more of my videos and even subscribe to them. In the description of many of the videos, I have links to related articles that might help you, too. So, be sure to look a them. In addition, some of the comments by viewers may help you to feel less alone -- just as your comment may help some others to feel less alone. In my experience, connection is a source of great healing -- connecting within yourself with compassionate self-awareness, compassionate connection with others, and even connecting with your surroundings (spending time in nature can be especially healing). I wish you well - and healing connection- on your personal journey.

[@cjarma012]

Hi Viviane, your comment really resonated with me. Keep going. You are enough! You're uniquely and beautifully you. You've probably got more strength, and resilience in your big toe than most people. I can understand the pain and sadness you must feel (often), but it's time to champion all the strength that is you. Wishing you well.

[@rashadsaleh9316]

Thank you Dr, you helped us alot❤️

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

You're welcome :)

[@theodorawohler2213]

I have ADHD ( not hyperactive the quiet type) and Rejection Sensitivity, I have always tried to work hard and get all long with others. I am having a hard time letting go of hurtful comments and criticisms, when I felt I tried my best to do a good job. I am afraid to try something new or express myself in a conversation anticipating another negative comment or made to feel less than. Does anyone have suggestions or advice on letting the past go so I can move on?

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

People often find that they can let go and move on from hurtful comments or criticisms when they relate to themselves with empathy and compassion. You can learn more about this in my video, Healing- Not Fixing- Through Compassionate Self-Awareness: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fZvRnWtjh7OciKc If you find that video helpful, you might also want to read more about compassionate self-awareness on my website: www.drbecker-phelps.com/compassionate-self-awareness I hope you connect with these resources and you can use them to help yourself.

[@RaissaRMarwa]

Hello Dr. Leslie, Thank you for the video, i learn a lot about rejection sensitivity from you but I have a question. Is everybody have rejection sensitivity trait? or rejection sensitivity only can be developed by repetitive rejection experience from others? Thank you

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

You're welcome. Rejection is not pleasant for anybody. However, some people are particularly sensitive to it. For instance, they are more likely to experience rejection in a way that is out of proportion to the situation or see someone as rejecting them when that is not the person's intention. You might find this article helpful in understanding rejection-sensitivity better: bit.ly/3pQUZvF

[@johnstiletto1537]

This is me too... Told many times over i was a freeloader after swinging a pick,shovel, and sledge hammer for 12 hrs because i didn't also give money at 11yrs of age... Know where it comes from and have acommplished much but still have a hard time with rejection... Why would anyone want to be with a loser like me??? Most are jealous that reject me but not in my mind...

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

Feeling like that is such an awful way to live. I hope you find ways to learn that you are worthy -- NOT a loser. And I hope that this video, and my other videos or articles can offer some help in that regard. As I suggested to the previous person who commented, you might find it helpful to check out the Compassionate Self-Awareness page of my website. It offers lots of free resources to help people heal: drbecker-phelps.com/home/csa/

[@zentzu4003]

bruh..